Archer s09e06 Episode Script

1 KING: Where in the? No, I'm sure it was I swear, if that girl - Lanaluakalani! - LANA: Yes, Father? Come in here this very instant! I tell you, this is the last straw! - Pff.
- Do not "pff" me, woman! [scoffs.]
That child of yours has gone too far! I tell you, this time, I shall really punish her! [Lana clears throat.]
- You called, Father? - Where is it?! - Where is what? - The map to the sacred tupua! - Tupua? - Oka atua, do not play dumb with me! You know exactly what I am talking about, child.
- Now where is it?! - I'm sure I don't know.
And why would anyone want a map to some moldy old statue? Because of its magical powers.
- Oh, that's just a silly native legend.
- Do you even? - We're natives! - You know what I mean.
I know what you think I mean.
I mean I [groans softly.]
You know what I think?! I think you made some sort of deal with this ese Mai fafo, - the German.
- Whaaat?! Yes.
And I think, in your profound ignorance of the awesome power of the tupua, - you gave him the map! - Whaaat? In exchange for enough money to go live among the papalangi in New York City again and open another [snaps.]
What was it? - Failed art gallery? - Oh, come on! There was this little thing called The Great Depression! Well, and you don't know anything about art.
- I do so! - [chuckling.]
Oh, please.
You thought the Dutch Masters were just a kind of cigar.
[gasps.]
I told you that in confidence! [scoffs.]
You have raised a fool! Because the tupua is a legend for a reason, and you have no idea of its power! And once that German snake finds it, he will be long gone, so I hope at least he paid you in advance! [clears throat.]
Excuse me.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Well, if that sneaky little schnitzel thinks he's gonna flimflam Princess Lanaluakalani, he has got another thing [gasps.]
[screaming.]
[crash.]
Are you out of your mind?! - Sacrebleu! - Oh! [all groaning.]
What the hell is the matter with you people? Ow! Well, I, for one, am starving, so please tell me you have oysters.
[title music.]
9x06 - Some Remarks on Cannibalism MALORY: Who the hell taught you how to drive?! Me? Who the hell taught him how to drive? [clears throat.]
MALORY: Oh, for the And where the hell were you going in such a hurry? None of your beeswax.
Wait.
Where were you going? - None of - We're searching for a sacred idol.
- What?! - Goddamn it! - No, you can' I forbid it! - Excuse me? I forbid it.
As princess, I forbid the looting of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts by you, you Europeans! - [quietly.]
Code for "white.
" - And what of it? And what color are your Germans, huh? [gasps.]
Damn it, the Germans.
[engine starts.]
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
- Where do you think you're going? - To beat the Germans to the idol.
No, we are gonna beat Archer to it.
- Archer?! - Yes.
So get in line, sister.
Oh-ho, I'm at the head of it.
Why you little Do something! I, uh commandeer this véhicule! [laughs.]
You what? [gasps loudly.]
[monkeys hooting.]
[machine guns firing.]
[monkey screaming.]
[cheering, laughing.]
Woohoo! All right! Enough fun.
Now back to business.
[laughs.]
Ja, shooting those damn cannibals.
- Remember, you promised we could.
- Don't worry, men.
We will kill anyone who dares to interfere with our mission to bring the ultimate power to the Fatherland! Yeah! [laughing, cheering.]
It's a long way to Tipperary It's a long way to go [monkey chittering.]
[somber music.]
[chittering softly.]
[screaming.]
All right, already.
Come on! We don't need all this junk.
- That crate is just gin.
- And vermouth.
Now move it, big boy.
We can't let Sterling beat us to that damn idol.
[squawks.]
[all gasp.]
- That won't be too hard.
- Goddamn it, bird! Because he's stuck in quicksand! - What? Where? - Really?! Quicksand.
Pam, too.
And I don't know how much time they have left.
- Before? - They die! Do you think it's enough time for us to toodle on over, grab the idol, and then come back and save them? - No! - Don't get chippy with me, bird! I'm with her.
First we secure the idol, - and then we can rescue them.
- Exactly.
For the love of God, woman! - Your son is going to die! - Oh, all right.
[sips.]
Take us to the damn quicksand.
But I'll bet you dollars to donuts, they've already escaped, found the idol, and are just yucking it up! [tribal music.]
[Pam inhales sharply.]
Don't! Don't say a word.
I'm mad enough at you as it is.
I was gonna say I wonder what I'm gonna taste like.
[Archer groans.]
[children giggling.]
'Cause this whole crazy thing's kind of got me thinking about if I'd ever, you know, like, eat a person.
And not in a starvation-type deal, like the Donner Party or whatever.
That goes without saying.
[rhythmic thwacking.]
Your fat white ass is pioneer jerky.
I'm talking about where you voluntarily eat a guy like he's just damn dinner.
Or a woman.
Ooh, or a teenage girl.
But I wouldn't want her to get killed just so I could eat her, so maybe I don't know.
What if it was one of these native girl's confirmation or whatever? So she gets a ceremonial bath, scrubbed head to toe, and then her whole body gets shaved.
- [sighs.]
Why? - Shut up.
Let me finish.
But then, on the way to the ceremony, this tender, hairless young thing has a massive yet painless brain aneurysm and falls into a vat of braising liquid.
- Why the hell would - MAN: [laughs.]
Wow! - What the? - Huh? You just described, almost word for word, what's gonna happen to you guys over the next two days.
I mean, is that goose bumps or what? - Who? - E-Except for the aneurysm.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm Noah.
- Besso ekla baht! [laughs.]
- Ek eklan oki.
- Wait, you speak their language? - Uh, yeah, I should hope so.
I mean, I've been here almost four years now, so Four years?! So there's no way to escape? Um Well, I suppose, I Well, there's probably Oh, gosh.
I mean - I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know, idiot? Haven't you even tried? [chuckles.]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not their captive.
I'm doing my doctoral dissertation on the Mua Mua.
I'm an anthropologist.
- Wh A spider scientist? - What? That's an arachnologist.
- Like you would know! - No, no, it is.
- An anthropologist - I know what an anthropologist is.
- No, he doesn't.
- Nobody does! An anthropologist studies human beings and their societies and cultures.
The Mua Mua, for example - Zakila gizona.
- Ek ezan oki! [laughter.]
are assholes.
Yeah, right? So then how 'bout it, man? - Help us escape.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I couldn't do that.
I-I'm here to document.
I can't interfere.
- What?! - Even after they ate your goddamn arm? Oh.
Yeah.
- Man, that was really - Eggelak! [laughter.]
Dongay emakume! - What is she saying? - [sighs.]
That I taste like chicken.
Which, to them, is, like, the worst.
[conch blowing.]
- What the? - What's that? Oh.
Uh, okay.
Uh, well, I got to go.
Uh, maybe I'll see you guys later or maybe not.
Okay, bye! - Wait, what was that?! - NOAH: Nothing! I think it was something.
- No shit.
- Yep.
Well, if we get out of this alive somehow, we should definitely open a detective agency.
Ooh! Aw, damn, but we're not getting out alive, huh? Nope.
[sighs.]
MALORY: Well? Where the hell are they, bird? I-I don't get it.
They were right here, up to their necks in it! - I ought to wring your neck! - This was all just a ruse.
- What? A ruse? - Oh, come on.
- A ruse? - He set me up! This mite-riddled bird's just stalling us so that Sterling can get to the idol first.
- Damn it, bird! - Seriously? No! Whoa! First of all, I am almost mite-free.
And, B, I swear, they were right here.
Oh, go eat worms.
Come on, Reynaud, we can still beat him if we hurry.
Look, there's boot prints coming up out of the quicksand.
- Really? - No! - Ah, yes! [gasps.]
And here's another set of boot prints.
And over there, there there's all these different sets of bare footprints.
Pretty muscular, by the looks of them.
- CRACKERS: Muscular? - And here, this trail is two barefoot men, carrying a load between them, probably on, like, a pole or something.
See, they're, like, six feet apart.
- That's about the size of a man.
- Or a party sub.
- Look, can we just - Shut up! - Do you think it was? - Yes! It was clearly Archer.
And then here's a trail of four men carrying a much, - much heavier load.
- Ooh, which I bet was Pam.
Mon dieu, can it be Les cannibales? [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Well, but since they're out of the quicksand And about to be eaten! We have to follow this trail and rescue them.
LANA: No.
No, no.
Uh-uh.
As your princess, I demand we get the idol first.
MALORY: As whose princess? - CHERYL: Yeah, right? - RAY: Exactement! Et tu, Doudou? So we're just gonna go gallivanting through this deadly jungle because this dodo says she can see a trail? Do you seriously not? It's so obvious.
MALORY: Then let's go.
Come on, Lady Baltimore.
CHERYL: Ew, look! This guy has ringworm.
PAM: So, where do you think everybody went? Who knows? Probably taking a vote - on what sides to serve us with.
- Ooh But I'm not sticking around to find out.
Well, unless you know something I don't - What, besides everything? - Oh, hardy-har.
[laughs.]
Including, look, there's a piece of, uh, whatchamacallit.
Ob-Obsidian.
- So? - So we can cut the ropes with it, dummy.
If I can just scrooch down the pole, I can - Get a splinter in your ass? - I'm not gonna get a [gasps.]
Goddamn it.
[laughing.]
We'll see how funny you think it is when I leave you here.
[chuckles.]
Oh Does that mean we're not getting married? You know, first of all, that was - I just wanted you to die happy.
- Ha! And, two, I'm about this close to getting a new goddamn sidekick.
- How is this Crackers's fault? - Wha Not Crackers! - You.
- You think I'm the sidekick? Yes, Lennie! [gasps.]
- Well? - Cut me loose.
- I will, but only because I choose to.
- Well, bully for you.
And, while you're at it, you can leave one hand tied behind my back.
- Why? - So I can whip your ass fairly.
Oh, my God, you are such a Lennie.
Well, if we get out of this bullshit If we do, it's only because I unleashed the power of obsidian.
You won't have old Pam to kick around anymore because Shh.
Stop.
Stop it.
Stop cutting.
What? [clears throat.]
- Is your dick hard? - No.
Then what is touching my ass? - Also nothing.
- Oh, for the Ew! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
- Dude, that is a hard dick.
- It's not that hard.
- Oh, please.
I bet it hasn't been that hard since the time the Army checked you for a hernia.
- I told you that in confidence.
- Yeah? Well, I ain't your priest.
[chuckles.]
Speaking of hard dicks [gasps.]
I also told you that in confidence! [cackling.]
ARCHER: Oh, don't flatter yourself, it was just a reflex.
- PAM: Uh-huh.
- An involuntary biological response to physical and visual stimuli.
Well, then I hope to God this helps.
- Ka-kow.
- [chuckling.]
Yeah, that's wait.
- What's the opposite of stimuli? - That.
It's not supposed to be sexy, it's protective.
In case there's thorns.
- [chuckling.]
Okay, Master Coconut.
- Nobody gets that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing? Making piña coladas.
What the hell's it look like we're doing? - Uhh I genuinely don't know.
- We're escaping.
Wait, what? No.
No, you can't.
I'll be punished.
- Not if you're dead.
- [chuckling.]
Well, you say that Hey, buddy, no shit, she will kill you - like an innocent baby rabbit.
- Goddamn it.
So what's the best way out of here? [conch blowing.]
Well, that's the thing, there isn't one now.
The conch is telling the Mua Mua warriors to prepare for battle.
- What, why? - Well, apparently, a scout saw another group of warriors headed toward the village.
What other warriors? I swear to God, if those cannibals don't have a bar, - I may literally die.
- Oh, my God, at an oyster bar.
I can pretty much guarantee they don't have either of those things.
[sighs.]
Savages.
ARCHER: Well, you two idiots can stick around to find out and then get eaten, but I'm gonna go find that goddamn idol.
Wait.
What idol? You mean the tupua? - Whatever it's called, I - How do you know where it is? We got a map.
- Whoa.
- A secret map, that is a secret! - [scoffs.]
Who's he gonna tell? - Oh, man.
The tupua would be the greatest archaeological find of the-the well, probably just the past couple of years, but still.
Still what? You're not coming.
- Oh, come on, I-I know the jungle.
- No.
I-I can read any native petroglyphs we might find.
- No, I said.
- I know how to get past all the giant boulders and poison darts and stuff.
The do what, now? - Yeah, do huh? - [laughing.]
Oh, man.
Yeah, the legends all say the tupua is hidden deep inside a labyrinth of shafts and tunnels, just packed with deadly booby traps.
- So - That's why you got to know your petroglyphs.
Okay, change of plans, you're coming with us.
Yeah! Oh, wait, h-hang on.
Hang on.
I-I don't, I don't have to wear one of those, do I? MALORY: And can we stop and rest a while? I think my electrolyte levels are low.
- [coughs.]
Gin levels.
- Also.
No, I think we're getting close to a village or something.
Look, there's a ton of footprints around here.
[all gasping, moaning.]
Plus, this? [sighs.]
Well, as long as we're close.
Please, I can't leave without my dissertation.
- Yes, you can, now come on.
- It's four years of writing.
Plus, I had to make the paper from scratch.
- WOMAN: Ay! - ARCHER: Oh, shit! - NOAH: Oh, my God! - Kekkozat? - What, oh, no, shh.
- Kekkozat! - No.
Shh.
- Punch her in the face.
- What? - Kekkozat! - Punch her in the face.
- Kekkozat! I can't punch an old lady in ow! - Dongay ekakume! - Whoa.
- Yeah, not cool.
- What? - But you just told me to - Lakundu! Lakundu! Lakundu! [conch blowing.]
[shouting in distance.]
Now can we go, please? But my dissertation actually had kind of a weak premise.
Ketak.
Ketakalak.
[yelling.]
Batu! Batu, Batu! [yelling.]
[screaming.]
Goddamn it! Eat a dick, cannibals.
It's funny you say that.
- Actually - It's a figure of speech, Noah.
- No, let him finish.
- Oh, my God.
I was gonna say that they don't eat the penis.
The testicles, though - Nok geziak! - Lakana.
[yelling.]
[pissing.]
[quietly.]
In there.
FUCHS: Schmidt! Was dauert so Lange? [laughing.]
Weil mein Schwanz so Lang ist.
FUCHS: Nun beeile dich! Ja, ja.
Komm runter, Junge.
[music.]
[grunts.]
Seriously? - Scheisse.
- FUCHS: Was, hast Du auf deine Schue gepisst? [distant laughter.]
FUCHS: Schmidt? What the hell? Why did you do that? - Guys? - What? He was gonna wipe them out.
- Yeah, problem solved.
- Guys.
- What? - What?! [clears throat.]
- He wants us to come with him.
- Gee, thanks, Noah.
Oh, you're welcome.
FUCHS: Zwei Männer, gehen und finden Schmidt.
Eh? Zakila koko? He wants to know why you stuffed your genitals into a coconut.
Because I hate this goddamn island.
Zu Laguna Mua Mua.
NOAH: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
He says you saved their lives, so now you're friends of the Mua Mua.
Batu baruka zu zaku.
And that together, we will kill these white devils.
Nik andu.
- Uh, no offense.
- None taken? Teko besta.
And then, we'll have a huge feast.
[groans.]
Ekari zim.
- Oh, my gosh, really? Wow.
- What? Ah, well, he said even I could come.
- Do you not normally go to the feasts? - Oh, no, no.
God, no.
[chuckles.]
They're super racist.
Well, guess you can find out what a human being tastes like after all.
[chuckles.]
Oh, man, and this is probably gonna sound weird, - but I could kind of eat.
- A person? Not a whole person, asshole.
But maybe, like, a drumstick?