Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e06 Episode Script

Korie, I like this.
I think I'm going with the sombrero look.
No, lose the hat.
Without the hat, this is just a blouse.
- It's not a blouse.
- Think I had a shirt like that.
- It's a Renaissance period shirt.
- Back in the '90s.
Normally coupled with a doublet and a pair of loose fitting britches.
- Are you gonna keep talking like that? - 'Course, my lord.
It's for Godwin, Willie.
Come on.
I'm wearing this shirt.
That should be enough.
Doublet.
For many years now, it's been a Duck Commander tradition to throw a birthday party for some of our best employees.
Well, Godwin's birthday's a few days away, and he's chosen quite an interesting theme for his party.
Huzzah! A Renaissance fair.
Godwin and I love Renaissance fairs.
Britches.
Doublet.
Huzzahl The costumes, the games, the pageantry.
Si! - Nice blouse there, Willie.
- It's not really a blouse.
It's more of a Renaissance period piece.
Where'd you get that, from Lane Bryant? - Si, this was a manly man.
- Thank you.
That look like a big woman's blouse to me.
- What are you? - I'm a woods elf.
Al, what are you wearing? Well, I had an issue last year.
Godwin remembers.
It was, uh - We were eating our turkey legs, and - That's a cool story.
Yeah, so Where's Godwin? Godwin, hurry up.
It's Burger King! Godwin, you were meant to live in that period.
That fits you perfectly.
- It's him.
- The king! - Huzzah! - For the king! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! - What's up! - Huzzah! - What's up! Is Si saying, "What's up"? Huzzah! What's up! Good job, Burger King.
Let's go.
We gotta get you some britches.
- Britches.
- Aw, crap.
Come on.
- You can't just wear the blouse.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! - What's up! Good grief.
I'm excited about the Ren fair.
It's gonna be fun to dress up.
Yeah, you wait till you see this.
I don't see the big deal.
You wanna get him a bird for his birthday? My buddy set me up with a local falconer, and, I mean, his name is Rusty Scarborough.
How cool is that? - What's up? I'm Jep.
- Rusty.
- Hi.
Jessica.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Whoa! What a bird.
He is king of the falcons.
Which is one of my highest aspirations.
And meeting Jean Claude Van Damme.
- I just like saying "falcon.
" - Yeah.
It's a cool word, if you think about it.
- Right.
- Falcon.
This is a buzzard.
Really? We were just finishing up a little training session.
Jess, calm down.
It's gotta stretch.
You're safe.
So, if you had a burglar, and say you had to choose between a gun you had hid away, or you could get her out, sic her on him, which would you choose? Well, she wouldn't sic on a human, so it would have to be the gun and me.
- It's so awesome.
- They're not dangerous to people.
- They only, uh - Just! They eat small animals, and they have a natural fear of humans.
- Get him.
- No, um That is awesome.
So, basically, why I called us out here is my buddy is having a birthday party.
We're having, like, a Ren fair.
Can I have him on my arm? - Her.
Her on my arm? - Ugh.
Yeah, we can probably make that happen.
It's so awesome.
- It's pretty awesome.
- So awesome.
The falcons would be what would be in a Renaissance fair.
And I do have a falcon that we can teach you how to handle.
That is awesome.
All right, we'll get the falcon out.
Awesome.
- It's so awesome.
- Shut up.
Hello, m'ladies.
- Hey.
- Hello, m'lords and ladies.
You like this costume? It's a cute blouse, but I'm afraid you'll get it dirty.
It's not a blouse.
This is a men's shirt from that time period.
- Konichiwa.
- Oh, good grief.
I didn't remember any ninjas during the Renaissance period.
You're only thinking European Renaissance.
We are Japanese Renaissance.
Are you a ninja? No, I'm a samurai warrior.
- It's the Edo period.
- Edo? "Edon't" matter what time of period it is, you look like an idiot.
That's tough talk coming from a man wearing a blouse.
I thought you said it was a Renaissance man's costume.
Yeah, well, today it looks like a blouse m'lady.
All right.
I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure that my costume is a good representation of what a nobleman would have worn during the Renaissance.
Hello.
Oh.
There's the Phantom of the Opera showed up.
He's my Antonio Banderas as Zorro.
Oh, good grief.
I'm pretty sure that Zorro was a character on a TV show that was set in 19th century Mexico.
You look like the Hamburglar.
And I'm pretty sure Mr.
Miyagi was a maintenance man, at the apartment complex in Reseda.
- Oh, boy.
- What is that? - Uh! His Majesty! - Hear, hear! There he is.
Oh, BK Broiler! He's actually pretty good.
This is gonna be good.
At some point, you gotta let go of that chicken leg! Who built this chair? Here.
Friar.
Jump! Jump! - I'm trying to jump.
- Jump! - Jump! - Huzzah! What's up! - Jump! - Hold on king.
Good job, Martin.
Hear ye hear ye, lords and ladies, and Zorros and wood elves and samurais.
Godwin may be the one here with the most Ren fair experience, but I do know a thing or two about the way people spoke at the time.
Make haste to gather round.
- Korie's getting into this.
- She is.
Literally, like, one or two things.
Make haste.
But after all Godwin's done for us, the least I could do is Google "Ren fair lingo.
" And at least I'll look cooler than the guy in the blouse.
We're here celebrating King Godwin the Stouts, and the year and day of his birth.
Huzzah! - Huzzah! - What's up! King Godwin has requested a tournament.
He also ordered a pizza.
You don't have to take that from him.
From the House of Willie, Lord Willie.
And from the house of Jason, Lord Jase.
From the House of Shogun Motioto? That's close.
Al.
And last but certainly not least - No, least.
- Yeah, definitely least.
From the House of Jeptha Where's Jep? He said he had to pick something up for the party.
He's scared.
What do we do? - His oldest son - Oldest son.
takes his place.
- That's right.
- Perfect.
- That's Renaissance rules.
Well, that's an upgrade.
River! River says, he's gonna make love not war.
I hope River did not say that.
I'm not sure River's up for the challenge.
- I'll do it.
- Ah.
Hang on now, she's Come join the competition, young maiden.
Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Join us fair maiden.
Sadie, you sure about this? I danced on national TV, I think I got this.
Let the games begin! All right, Let the games begin! - Huzzah! - Where do we start? I don't even know what we're playing, but I'm gonna win.
We're not dancin' are we? All right, let's get this falcon out.
- In a black box.
- Black Everything good is kept in black boxes.
Aw, wow.
Oh, it's so cute Oh, man.
As it turns out, a peregrine falcon is a little bit smaller than a hawk.
This is a peregrine falcon.
This falcon was just born right? It's like an infant? No, this is like a three or four year old falcon.
- Awesome.
- That's cool.
Actually, a lot smaller.
This bird can strike a duck at 230 miles an hour, so it's historically had a common name of the "duck hawk.
" But given the choice between an over-sized hawk and a peregrine falcon, I'll take the falcon all day long.
Do you also have a bald eagle? - Yeah, we have a bald eagle.
- Can I personally - No.
- No? - No.
- It's also my only choice.
What is his name? Well, for our education birds, we don't give them names.
- So, can I call him Morpheus? - Hmm, let's not.
But I wanna be Neo, and him be Morpheus.
- You can be Neo.
- I can be Neo? - Yeah.
- That's awesome.
All right, so, we're gonna try to The more still you can keep that arm, the better it'll be.
- Come here, Morpheus.
- There you go.
We will hunt together, Morpheus.
- You and the Morpheus thing.
- We will conquer this world.
All right.
You need to take a video of me just Okay.
All right, big boy.
- So, tell me when you're recording.
- Action.
Start over again.
- Oh my word.
- Just one more time.
Action.
It's just a normal afternoon with me and my falcon.
- Are you gonna smile? - No, I'm not smiling.
- I'm friggin' holding a falcon.
- You look constipated.
Me and Morpheus have bonded.
Like an Avatar, our tails have joined together, and we've become one.
That's actually how they reproduce.
Yeah.
All right, look, you wanna get a shot of us, like, walking off together? Hey, we don't have time.
We have to go.
We have to get ready.
Fade to the sky.
- Okay, let's go.
- Look, one more thing.
Seriously? I'm always hungry.
I can't believe that you willingly have done this.
- I love it.
- How many times? Three times.
That's three days in your life you'll never get back.
That's three weekends.
It's a weekend? Make way for the king! Oh, there he is, His Majesty.
- You're eatin' my - No.
- Don't you eat that.
- I didn't.
- Why is the king so angry today? - Maybe the ol' gout's settin' in.
All right, since a true knight's worth is shown by his ability to use the weapon, the first challenge is the bow and arrow.
Huzzah! Let the games begin.
Okay.
When I showed up at Godwin's birthday party, my first thought was when it comes to the weapons competition Is this what they used back then? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm fixin' to go medieval on all of you.
Archer's ready.
Aim.
Fire.
Nice.
Bulls-eyed it.
but now, I'm faced with the reality that this is the equivalent of a carnie booth.
Archers ready.
Aim.
Fire.
Whoa.
Whoa.
There's a dead squirrel in the woods now.
We both went way over that way.
Sadie.
I've got a name for them two.
Vegetarians.
All right, the king will announce the winner of this round.
House of Willie! Huzzah! I'm starting to think, since he pays his salary, maybe Yeah, his name's on my check.
- Maybe I hit the target.
- Whelp.
But his arrow didn't even stick.
The king's decision is final.
Off to the dunking booth.
- To the dunking booth.
- The king has spoken.
Well, I know I can win the dunking booth.
This ain't over.
Look, nobody's gonna win this competition, because all of you are terrible.
What's up? For our next competition, the royal dunking booth.
Korie, we got it, we got balls already.
When I heard we were doin' a Renaissance fair for Godwin's birthday, I didn't expect it to have a dunking booth.
On, player, to the dunking booth.
I don't think little Will expected it either.
He's just a kid.
Well, he oughta know how to play the horn better.
Then again, what did he expect when he volunteered to be the court jester? Oh, no.
Hey, Will, you gotta heckle 'em.
Get the crowd into it.
Um.
- Heckle.
- Do some hecklin' Will.
You throw like a girl.
All right, hold it, I can't stand this.
- Hold up.
- Oh, good grief.
You want heckling? I'll show you heckling, boy.
What's the woods elf doing? Si, Will's not the one that you heckle.
Right, just seeing if he was paying attention.
Who's up next? The Phantom of the Opera guy? Are you talking to me with this stuff? - We got the ninja.
- Samurai warrior to you.
The big fat guy in a red shirt, with a blouse.
I'm fixin' to fire one at the woods elf.
Ooh, she's gettin' mad.
I don't know what's more frustrating, Si's terrible heckling You talkin' about a bunch of clowns.
- Ouch.
- Incoming.
- Ah, hit, great.
- Rejected.
or the fact that none of us can hit a target from 20 feet away.
The puff ninja again.
All right! The Phantom of the Opery! Maybe we'd be more accurate if the target looked like Si's face.
Fancy pants dancer there.
Ball one.
The way I see it, Will's gonna get wet eventually.
But the sooner we hit the target, the sooner we get old geriatric Robin Hood to shut up.
Hey, look, fat boy.
Get a little closer.
I don't want you tearing something.
Oh! Yes! Yes! And the fool goes down.
I told you it was gonna happen, this time.
House of Will is victorious! Friar, leg me.
That's definitely not my job.
That is awesome.
Okay, take ten.
Action.
Did you get that? Yeah, babe, I got it.
- You gotta try this.
- We gotta go babe.
- Come on.
- Hey, Rusty.
- Yeah.
- Could she try? - Sure.
- You can be a falconette.
I don't think that's a real thing.
- I got this.
- Okay, open your fingers up.
What a natural.
Look how calm and collected he is.
What can I say.
He's just comfortable as he can be.
- Well, I mean, I calmed him down.
- No.
So now, he's in a good place.
He looks like he's really takin' a like to you.
Yeah.
He was kinda the same with me too, we kinda bonded.
- Hmm, sure.
- Yeah.
Okay, now I'm gonna get a picture.
We'll take one quick picture.
It better be a good one.
Got it.
- Profile pic.
- It's my profile pic.
Well, we can both have it.
- This my thing, not yours.
- Well, you can share it.
You're embarrassing me in front of Rusty.
You're embarrassing yourself in front of Rusty.
I'm not embarrassin' myself.
I'm having the best time of my life 'til you started takin' over Morpheus.
You're the one that wanted me to hold the falcon.
I just want you to hold him, not Okay, I guess I'll give it back.
My husband's gettin' mad and jealous.
Calm down lady hawk.
Go back to your master.
He doesn't even wanna leave me.
Did you see that? Jess, you're letting falconry go to your head.
- You have to keep a good even - It's really for Godwin.
You've made this all about you, it's really selfish.
I just wanna look cool walkin' in there with a falcon on my arm.
For Godwin.
Come on, let's go.
You just took my dreams and stomped on 'em.
Jep.
This is cool.
Leg mel Okay fair maidens and merry men, we are down to our final challenge.
We have had the battle of weapons, which was won by the House of Willie and we have also had the dunking booth, which was also won by the House of Willie.
Good job, babe.
So, it's pretty much over, 'cause there's no way anyone can beat me.
But the battle of wits is worth three points.
What? What kind of bull crap is that? - You better win this one, babe.
- I'll participate, but under protest.
Martin, proceed with the questions.
- Proceed.
- Alright.
- This is like trivia? - Yeah.
I have a heart that never beats.
Oh, crap.
I have a home but never sleep.
Riddles aren't my bangzo.
I can take a man's house and build another's and I love to play games, with my many brothers.
A seedless watermelon! Easy wood elf, you're not in this.
- Hey, that's the answer though.
- No.
I am a king among fools, who am I? Hey, you know, I think I'm gonna quit on this one.
Last time I did a word problem with y'all, it took all day so - Wait a minute.
- I'm out, good luck.
Hey, but Jep would never quit.
- It's been fun.
- Yes, he would.
- Of course he would.
- She gone.
Is it a large oak tree? In what way can a tree play a game? Well, they drop the leaves, they shake.
For most of my life, I've been a C-plus man, in some circles that wouldn't be something you'd necessarily be proud of.
I stand by my answer.
The answer's not a tree, so keep guessing.
- It's not a tree? - A dead cow.
What? But as I'm watching the battle of the wits, it made me proud to be C-plus.
- What about an artichoke? - What about an anchovy? Does an anchovy have a heart? Very proud.
New York City.
Does a city have a brother? - Yeah, New Jersey.
- No.
- That's a state, Si.
- The answer to the question The king of hearts in a deck of cards.
is a falcon.
That is not correct.
What are you supposed to be? Jepthra, father of falcons.
That's dumb.
Well you're dumb, you got ruffles.
That look like a parrot.
- No, Willie looks like a parrot.
- Does he talk? If I sent him on you, he would take out your eyes.
No, not at all.
They have a natural fear of humans.
Wow, that is the most awesomest thing I've seen today.
His name is Morpheus.
- No.
- Morpheus.
- We don't give them names.
- We talked about this.
- Morpheus? - Morpheus.
No, it's a peregrine falcon.
- Morpheus.
- No.
Rusty.
King Godwin, I present you a display in falconry.
I never woulda thought I'd see that.
I'm giving you a display of falconry.
Let's see it.
I just did, that was it.
Does he do anything, or does he just sit there on your arm? They just sit there.
Well, I just started, the first rule of falconry is know your limits.
No, it's make sure the bird's comfortable.
- That's debatable.
- Not at all.
At least make the bird do something.
Outside that, you just holdin' a bird.
- What's his name? - Jepthra? Jepthra, father of falcons.
Jepthra, come over here.
Very kingly there.
- Yes, your grace.
- King toad frog.
Get down on one knee.
I knight thee, Sir Jepthra, winner of the tournament.
What? All he did was miss the whole show and bring a bird.
Look at that thing though, that thing is awesome.
That was much to do about nothin'.
- The king declares a feast.
- Seriously? Get the king another turkey leg.
Father, bless our meal, bless our family, Father, bless our country.
Be our God this day and forever.
Jesus Christ our Lord, amen.
Amen.
Being the king ain't as easy as it looks.
Sure there are plenty of perks, but it also comes with a lot of responsibility.
We may have come a long way since the middle ages, but the basic traits of a good king will always be compassion, wisdom and a strong heart.
And while Godwin may not have exhibited all those qualities today, he did decide to feed us before we brought out the pitchforks.
And that's a win in my book.
To the king! To the king! What's up?