Everybody Loves Raymond s09e06 Episode Script

l don't know why you make me read them bedtime stories.
All l hear is, ''Mommy reads better.
'Sports lllustrated' isn't a book.
'' l have a thought.
Hey hey, don't get overheated.
Might l suggest that perhaps the reason for Raymond's unwillingness to share with the parental responsibilities is a fear of intimacy, brought on by his distant and somewhat strained relationship with his father? Robert's been seeing Dr.
Greenberg every Tuesday.
What, your therapist? Oh, that's wonderful, Robbie.
How does he do it-- push two couches together? You see, joking is nothing more than a defense mechanism.
lt masks some real problems that certain men have because they are afraid to get in touch with their feelings.
Hey, Dad, l'm giving Robert the finger in my mind.
Want me to put one up for you? No, l got it.
Both of you, put those down.
That's okay, Ma.
This is men in a nutshell.
l wish you would take Ray to Dr.
Greenberg sometime.
Don't think l wouldn't love to.
Most of my problems stem from my combative male relationships in the home.
Shut up.
God forbid you should improve as a human being.
Fix your relationship with your brother.
My relationship with him is fine.
What are you bringing this psycho-crapola into my house for? lt's not crapola! You're just afraid to look at yourself.
No, l'm afraid to look at you 'cause you're ugly.
You're the ugly one.
You're ugly on the inside.
Then go outside! - You go outside! - lt's my house! l forgot-- you don't have a house 'cause you still don't have a life! What? What? Oh listen, l didn't mean it.
Come on.
Come on.
Look, all right, all right.
Maybe l'll go with you tomorrow.
Yes! l can't wait to hear how it goes.
Me too.
Tell me all about it.
Oh, you're going too, Frank.
No, sir.
Oh, yes.
Or l will finally be calling Cousin Bella.
- Don't you threaten me.
- Who's cousin Bella? My cousin Bella happens to be a top psychiatrist.
She's a hideous monster.
For years, she's ofered to come up from South Carolina to stay with us for some emergency marriage counseling.
l'm gonna call her right now.
Put down that phone.
She's gonna stay with us as long as it takes to make you a person.
All right! l'll go with them to the thing.
He's gonna have therapy! - Dad! - Oh, my gosh, he's going to therapy! l can't believe it! Wonderful day! Oh, and Frank, don't be afraid to let them keep you for observation.
This is so great.
All right, guys, there's a couple of things l wanna go over before we go inside.
l don't want this to throw you of, but Dr.
Greenberg has a bit of a lazy eye.
Okay? So when he looks at you, he may not be looking at you.
He may be looking at you.
So you guys know what you wanna start with today? How much l hate you.
Actually, that's very good.
Don't hold back, Raymond.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Yeah, l actually have something - l need to get of my chest.
- What is it, Dad? l'm not going in there.
What? l'm not going in there, and l would never set foot in some voodoo man's sucker trap-- not for all the tea in China, nor for all the Chinese waitresses who bring the tea.
There.
l feel better.
Dad, come on.
We had a deal.
Hey, look, if he's not going, then l'm not going, all right? - Let's just get a slice.
- Now you're talking.
No, wait.
Listen listen.
Hey hey.
l'm paying an extra $100 for this session, and it's two hours, you see, so you can't go home because the girls will know.
Did you pay him the extra money yet? No, l'm gonna pay him right now.
You've got and we've got two free hours? Ooh, yeah! This is not what l had in mind.
Oh, no? We're up 500 bucks.
Maybe you should start having that in mind, phone pole.
Yeah, phone pole, 'cause you're big.
All right, that's enough.
Not only did you two lie to the girls, but you made me lie to the doctor.
Now it's gonna be harder than ever to look Dr.
Greenberg in the eye.
Oh my God, look at this.
We gotta bet this horse.
This is a big horse, a sure thing.
This horse is unstoppable.
''Marie's Mouth.
'' This is a sign from God.
We're supposed to be here.
l'm in! l'm way in.
Care for a piece, Robert? lt is a good sign.
So how was therapy? l gotta tell you, it was kind of a fulfilling experience.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, isn't this wonderful? What did you think, Frank? Well, when you were yanking me into this, l was, as you know, very skeptical.
But then l got there, and l have to say it really paid of.
And l owe it all to Marie's Mouth.
l'm so happy l helped.
To Marie's Mouth! This is so great! You mean this guy got through to you guys a little? l gotta tell you, that Dr.
Greenberg, he's a genius.
Know what? l am really proud of you guys.
So what else did Dr.
Greenberg say? Well he said that l've actually been in denial with my feelings towards Robert.
Yeah.
l think l love him now.
This is so sweet.
And we realize how lucky we are to have you guys at home too.
Dr.
Greenberg said that our marital companions can help our situation even further.
Oh, fine with me.
How? Well we all have you know tension and whatever you can do to alleviate you know Dr.
Greenberg said.
l'm happy to help.
Oh, Frank, l can't wait to talk more about this.
l always say nothing is more important than discussing one's feelings, and now we can have real discussions.
Yeah.
About that Dr.
Greenberg advised me to have a cone of silence.
A cone of silence? Yes, l need a cone of silence around me whenever l feel ''Bad Frank'' coming on.
He suggested a 10-foot radius.
A little more.
That's good, honey.
Oh, Chi Chi.
l'll do anything if it means you're mentally balanced.
The balance feels good now.
Hello, ladies.
Hey.
How are we doing? We are up like a wedgie on the fat kid at camp.
How much? Well, my Papa, after five weeks, we have cleared Here's to psychotherapy.
What excuse did you give Dr.
Greenberg this week? l didn't even talk to him this week.
l told him l was gonna be working undercover for a while, and when l came back, l'd have plent of issues.
What kind of issues? l told him l had to dress as a woman, and l had to borrow the outfit from my mother.
- That's perfect.
- l know.
lf he only knew what a sick bastard you really are.
l know! So what's gonna be our breakthrough for today? Let's see.
The last thing l told the wives is that we were working on Dad's withholding of afection when we were kids Good good.
and how it impacted negatively on us.
For instance, whenever l did something l always felt that Dad was disappointed in me, not to mention the neglect and verbal abuse.
Okay.
So what can we say as to why you were like that-- you know, unreceptive to our needs and stuf? Right right.
Why was l like that? 'Cause you two were a couple of monkey's asses.
Okay.
l think that might be the verbal abuse you're talking about, Robert.
No.
l been thinking about this since last week.
You know what you two's problems were? You took all that abuse stuf personally.
Of course we took it personally.
You're our father! lt was just business.
This isn't exactly what they call a triumph of analysis.
What else you got? What else you got? How about, uh you were withdrawn from your relationship with us because your father was like that with you? That's friggin' great.
Yeah.
Very good, Raymond.
Yeah yeah.
Just like you were talking about the other day.
l'm kind of a lousy dad because of him, so l just back it up one more to Grandpa Joe.
Yeah yeah, and his dad was the worst.
- My Grandpa Sal.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Grandpa Sal, very scary.
He once made Mussolini wet himself.
My dad used to tell me horrible stories about how his father used to hit him when he wasn't hitting me.
Grandpa Joe hit you? Sure.
l got hit every day.
Wow, Dad.
l didn't know it was like that for you.
lt was like that for everybody.
That's just the way it was.
So your dad's dad hit him, he hit you, and you never really hit us.
l couldn't.
l don't know.
l was always weaker than him.
Maybe you didn't want to be like him.
l didn't.
The girls will buy that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They'll eat it up like a bag of candy.
Come on, let's bet the next race.
l'm treating.
Hey Dad, can we get ice cream? Sure.
ls it 6:00 yet? Almost.
The boys should be home from therapy soon.
lsn't it wonderful? Frank's a new man.
lt's like l'm cheating.
Did you see this? - What? - What is it, dear? lt's Dr.
Greenberg.
Obituaries.
He died? Oh my God, that's awful.
l know.
He had a heart attack last week.
He was such a sweet man.
Oh, his poor family.
This is terrible.
Wait a minute.
He died last week? lt's subconscious, which is why we have to keep going.
Hello, beauties.
Something smells good, and l'm not talking about dinner.
Hey there, baby doll.
How about giving Daddy a little sugar? Good session today? Oh, great great.
Some major breakthroughs.
Better than major.
General-- four-star general breakthroughs.
l gotta be honest-- l feel really great.
Since l've been in analysis, my whole outlook is diferent.
That Dr.
Greenberg was sent from heaven.
Hey, look at this.
What do you got? l thought he looked a little pale when we left.
What is it? Oh my God, was he hit by a car? He's got that lazy eye.
lt was a heart attack, Robert.
He died last week.
Oh.
Ohh! What is it? Give me that.
Good night.
Where do you think you're going, Frank? The news is depressing.
l'm gonna lie down.
Frank, you'd better take a good look at this section, 'cause you're gonna be in there tomorrow.
Well, maybe not tomorrow.
Looks like it takes a week.
l demand an explanation.
You lied to us.
Where exactly have you been going? All right, if you must know.
- We go to church-- - Oh, bull! Oh! To lie about church is a double sin! This is a terrible thing you did.
What did we do? You tricked us into thinking you weren't pigs anymore, but you are worse than pigs.
You're talking pigs who lie! Why would you do this to us? Here we were so happy that you guys were finally connecting.
And we pictured you sitting in Dr.
Greenberg's ofice and going through all your awful fights and traumas and crying, and it was so cute.
Where did you go, Frank? l'm not talking.
There is such a thing as patient-doctor confidentialit.
Robbie? To the track.
Oh, what?! You're gambling?! What are you-- an imbecile? How dare you?! l'm married to a mentally diseased, gambling psychopath.
Oh, yeah? l won! l won! And l'm glad what l done.
lt's a good thing we didn't go to the headshrinker.
l told you guys therapy was a crock.
They take your money and then when you need the guy, like today, he's doing something else.
This is unbelievable, Ray.
No, Debra, come on, look.
This was supposed to make us happier, right? Well, we're all happy now.
This is dirt happiness.
You know what you did.
You played on our sensitivities.
You took advantage of us.
You knew l would be so proud of you that l'd let you slide on everything around here, including me.
All right, okay.
But we really did work stuf out.
Right, guys? You know, we did.
We really did.
We had to, for our made-up crap to be believable.
lt's true.
Something good happened while we weren't going to therapy.
Me and Dad and Robert, we enjoyed being together and we laughed and we found out stuf.
So you don't have to be mad, because what you wanted us to get out of therapy we kind of did.
And we feel good now, except for the dead doctor part.
But l can honestly say that we are better people now.
You've seen it.
So can't you be a little happy for us? l am happy for you.
But don't touch me.
Deb.
l need a 10-foot radius.
No dinner for you! l'm very disappointed in you, Robert.
Who do l talk to? Explain it again, Cousin Bella, because l really want him to understand it.
Well, Frank it is my opinion that this lack of communication comes from your fear of intimacy.
But what you need to do is listen to your wife when she speaks.
Really listen to her.
Because it's important that she knows you care about her.
So we will explore this together over the next three weeks that l'm here.
What are you feeling, Frank? What am l feeling?