It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e06 Episode Script
The Gang Saves the Day
This place has got the best hot dogs in Philadelphia.
Once you nosh on these, you're not gonna want to eat another - hot dog after this.
- Might as well get some - snacks while we're here.
- I'm getting a beer.
Don't grab a beer.
We're on our way to a bar, which we own.
I'm gonna get a beer, too.
Are you serious? Anyone else? Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Of course I want a beer.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'm not gonna be the only one not drinking beer, so come on.
Don't move! Oh, sh Open the register.
Open it! Oh, shit, oh, God, we're all gonna die.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? - I will shoot you in the teeth.
- Okay.
- Give me the money.
- Hey, bozo.
Walk away now, and I let you live or stick around and repent for your sins.
You better step your ass back.
And you better say "cheese.
" Huh? Crisis averted.
Holy shit! Mac, that was amazing! Oh, my God.
Did you like my "say cheese" line? I didn't quite get that, if I'm being honest.
Yeah, I was a little bit confused by that as well.
It was a pun, 'cause I flung cheese in his face, you know? No, I got that, but Yeah, but-but that's not really a pun.
No.
No, if you if you had taken his photograph, and then you flung cheese in his face There it is.
that would be a pun.
Yeah, you're taking the guy's picture, you say, "Say cheese!" That would've done it.
Should I go get a camera? You know what? Yeah, he's missing the point.
It doesn't matter.
What you just did was badass.
Oh, my God.
Now let's take a look at who this scumbag is.
Oh, sh oh, shit.
Yakuza.
Go, go! Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Hyah! Hyoh! Mac, watch out! Hah! Yah! Hyah! - Very impressive.
Your technique - is impeccable.
Cool off.
Yo, Mac, that was amazing.
And that's a great pun, dude.
You used the pun right! Yeah, you got the pun right, dude.
Huh? What pun? The "Cool off" and you kicked him in a fridge.
He's not getting it, is he? No, he's not.
Forget it.
Don't worry about it.
What is a pun? You know, move past it.
I'll take his photograph.
No, no.
What the hell is the matter with you? Why would you do that? I killed the boss.
That's not the boss, you idiot.
He's my father! He owns the store! Whoops.
My bad.
Now, is your throat okay? Is it is that from the smoke, or? Is that a pun? Oh, my God, Mac! No! Mac, Mac, Mac.
We're sorry for doubting your awesomeness.
Yeah.
I can't live without you.
Don't die.
I don't forgive you.
No! No, no Why? Why? I love you! Why? I love you! God? Hello, Mac.
Those were some pretty sweet moves.
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.
Won't you join me? Is that seat for me? You're goddamn right it is.
Oh, hey, Rex.
'Sup, bro? So what do we do now? Now we ignore everyone's prayers.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Damn it, Dee, this is all your fault.
What? It's because of you.
How is this my fault? It just is, you stupid bitch.
Guys, you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's sacrifice her.
What? Sir, sir! Please, take her, take her! Have your way with the whore! Oh.
Let me blow these assholes away.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, please, please! Please, don't shoot my friends.
Listen, listen to me.
Just give me the gun, okay? We'll work something out.
Just give me the gun.
Give it to me.
There you go.
Oh, Dee! Dee did it! You saved our lives! You saved the day! You're the hero.
I'll see you in hell, boners.
No witnesses.
I like your style.
We should team up.
Us ladies need to stick together.
I tell you what.
I got your back.
For life.
She did it.
What? You bitch! You're dead! You hear me? Miss Reynolds? We need to get you into the witness protection program immediately.
Let me ask.
Are you good at playing characters? Hello, love, I'm the new butler.
Albert Covington's the name.
Is your mom about? I'm sorry, their-their mother's no longer with us.
Oh, well, then, it looks like I've come at the right time.
Children, your chariot awaits.
Ah, Miss Sarah, ham and cheese, no crust, just the way you like it.
Ah, ah, ah! Who slayed Achilles? Uh, Paris, Hector's brother.
Well done, lad.
An extra treat for you.
Mr.
Covington, have you seen my? Briefcase, sir.
Oh, Mr.
Covington.
You're the best, Mr.
Covington.
How long are you staying with us? Well, Sarah, something tells me I'm gonna be here a long time.
Why is that? Your sweater's on backwards.
Paper plates for nana House is a mess Life for a single parent Is full of stress Makes you want to put a gun In your mouth Or get real high But with a little help I think we'll just get by.
By now, everyone knows the remarkable story of Dee Reynolds, a government witness whose turn as a British butler was so convincing that it was spun off into the highest rated sitcom of all time.
Today she is here to talk with us about her upcoming blockbuster Mother Earth.
Tell us more about it.
Well, this time I play a very beautiful woman.
Uh, a warrior princess who saves the world.
It's already grossed over $900 million in presale tickets, but I don't care about that.
You know, I'm more interested in exploring truth through character.
Amazing.
Yes.
And I understand you've recently become engaged to young heartthrob crooner Josh Groban.
When I found out that Mr.
Covington was actually a chick, yeah, I had to have her.
I mean, look at her.
She's smart, she's sexy, she's hilarious.
She pops.
He likes his ladies to pop.
That's true, Groban does like his ladies to pop.
Isn't he cute? Sing her that song you wrote for me.
Which one? The one you wrote for me.
Oh, God, put me on the spot.
It's great.
Oh, you're gonna love it! She's got blonde hair She's perfect in every way Feet not too large Not too small Blonde hair She's gorgeous Not like a bird But like a beautiful woman Definitely not like a bird.
Oh.
I love this man so much.
- Tell you what.
- I've got the feeling we're gonna be together a long time.
That's how babies are made.
But they didn't stay together a long time, their marriage only lasting a shocking 17 minutes before Reynolds met a new man whom she claimed she had to have.
I'll shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money! Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Give me the money! You're going about this all wrong, friend.
Oh, what the hell do you know? More than you think.
A fisherman always spots another fisherman from afar.
Hard candy? Shit.
Ah, ooh! I I dares it I dar-dar-dar A crammy hand A crammy handle bit.
A crammy handle bit aye.
Der.
I love you.
Oh, God! I am God.
I think he's awake.
His eyes keep opening.
Ah, I don't know, man.
He looks weird.
Can he hear us? No way.
His eggs are scrambled.
Mr.
Reynolds, are you there? Blink if you can understand me.
Where am I? You were shot in the head during an armed robbery.
The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem and exited the back of your skull.
Does-does my dick work? No.
Your penis does not work.
Kill me.
Mr.
Reynolds, Mr.
Reynolds.
It's important that you maintain a positive attitude.
Now, with a lot of hard work and the support of your friends Ah, it appears they've left.
Well, not to worry.
We have a top-notch rehabilitation staff and they're gonna do everything they can to improve your quality of life.
In fact, here comes your nurse now.
Until now I always got by on my own I never really cared Until I met you Hello, Dennis.
from the Channel Five News weather team.
Once upon a time, yes.
But I left that to do something more meaningful with my life.
Now, what do you say we get you back on your feet? The forecast calls for sunshine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes.
More.
I can't do it.
That's it.
Use your strength.
That's right.
You're so strong.
That's it.
Good.
And I just can't wait till the day When you knock on my door Oh, I'm so proud of you, yes! Oh, my God! Yeah! Now, every time I go for the mailbox Gotta hold myself down Yes! Yeah! Ah, yes! 'Cause I just can't wait Till you write me You're coming around Yes! Yes.
Oh! Yeah, Jackie.
Oh This is so great.
I need to tell you something.
Okay.
I am in love with you! I'm walking on sunshine Whoa She's lucky to be alive.
She broke her arm, few ribs, punctured a lung, shattered her pelvis Compound fractures in both legs.
Her breasts? Excuse me? What about her breasts? I'm afraid that they were, um obliterated.
Believe me, we did everything in our power to try to save them, but Now, look, she has a long, difficult road ahead of her, but you above all people should know that anything is possible.
She is lucky to have you in her life.
Could you give us a moment, please? Of course.
I'm walking on sunshine Whoa I'm walking on sunshine Whoa I'm walking on sunshine Whoa And don't it feel good Good All right Rest easy, my angel.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Let's go, buddy.
Today! Everybody stay calm.
I'll handle this.
What? No, Frank.
Hey, Stop it.
Frank, don't be Are you crazy? Hey, what are you doing? Hurry up.
Move faster, or I'll shoot you in the face.
In the bag.
In the bag.
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't move faster.
Let's go.
Okay I don't have all day.
- Come on.
- You're surrounded.
Put your weapon down and come out with your hands up.
You're gonna have to kill me! All right, send in the K-9.
Oh, get him off me! Goddamn it, stop! Whoa, easy, puppy.
All right, it looks like the hostages are dead.
Let him have it.
Mmm I will shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money.
Okay.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! Waitress, no! You dick.
Come on! Oh, my God, Charlie, that was so brave.
Anything for you, my love.
Charlie.
What are you doing, dude? Huh? Nothing.
What are you doing? Will you focus? We're in a serious situation here.
What are we gonna do, you guys? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
What the? The big bills, underneath.
Give me the big bills.
Once you nosh on these, you're not gonna want to eat another - hot dog after this.
- Might as well get some - snacks while we're here.
- I'm getting a beer.
Don't grab a beer.
We're on our way to a bar, which we own.
I'm gonna get a beer, too.
Are you serious? Anyone else? Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Of course I want a beer.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'm not gonna be the only one not drinking beer, so come on.
Don't move! Oh, sh Open the register.
Open it! Oh, shit, oh, God, we're all gonna die.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? - I will shoot you in the teeth.
- Okay.
- Give me the money.
- Hey, bozo.
Walk away now, and I let you live or stick around and repent for your sins.
You better step your ass back.
And you better say "cheese.
" Huh? Crisis averted.
Holy shit! Mac, that was amazing! Oh, my God.
Did you like my "say cheese" line? I didn't quite get that, if I'm being honest.
Yeah, I was a little bit confused by that as well.
It was a pun, 'cause I flung cheese in his face, you know? No, I got that, but Yeah, but-but that's not really a pun.
No.
No, if you if you had taken his photograph, and then you flung cheese in his face There it is.
that would be a pun.
Yeah, you're taking the guy's picture, you say, "Say cheese!" That would've done it.
Should I go get a camera? You know what? Yeah, he's missing the point.
It doesn't matter.
What you just did was badass.
Oh, my God.
Now let's take a look at who this scumbag is.
Oh, sh oh, shit.
Yakuza.
Go, go! Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Hyah! Hyoh! Mac, watch out! Hah! Yah! Hyah! - Very impressive.
Your technique - is impeccable.
Cool off.
Yo, Mac, that was amazing.
And that's a great pun, dude.
You used the pun right! Yeah, you got the pun right, dude.
Huh? What pun? The "Cool off" and you kicked him in a fridge.
He's not getting it, is he? No, he's not.
Forget it.
Don't worry about it.
What is a pun? You know, move past it.
I'll take his photograph.
No, no.
What the hell is the matter with you? Why would you do that? I killed the boss.
That's not the boss, you idiot.
He's my father! He owns the store! Whoops.
My bad.
Now, is your throat okay? Is it is that from the smoke, or? Is that a pun? Oh, my God, Mac! No! Mac, Mac, Mac.
We're sorry for doubting your awesomeness.
Yeah.
I can't live without you.
Don't die.
I don't forgive you.
No! No, no Why? Why? I love you! Why? I love you! God? Hello, Mac.
Those were some pretty sweet moves.
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.
Won't you join me? Is that seat for me? You're goddamn right it is.
Oh, hey, Rex.
'Sup, bro? So what do we do now? Now we ignore everyone's prayers.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Damn it, Dee, this is all your fault.
What? It's because of you.
How is this my fault? It just is, you stupid bitch.
Guys, you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's sacrifice her.
What? Sir, sir! Please, take her, take her! Have your way with the whore! Oh.
Let me blow these assholes away.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, please, please! Please, don't shoot my friends.
Listen, listen to me.
Just give me the gun, okay? We'll work something out.
Just give me the gun.
Give it to me.
There you go.
Oh, Dee! Dee did it! You saved our lives! You saved the day! You're the hero.
I'll see you in hell, boners.
No witnesses.
I like your style.
We should team up.
Us ladies need to stick together.
I tell you what.
I got your back.
For life.
She did it.
What? You bitch! You're dead! You hear me? Miss Reynolds? We need to get you into the witness protection program immediately.
Let me ask.
Are you good at playing characters? Hello, love, I'm the new butler.
Albert Covington's the name.
Is your mom about? I'm sorry, their-their mother's no longer with us.
Oh, well, then, it looks like I've come at the right time.
Children, your chariot awaits.
Ah, Miss Sarah, ham and cheese, no crust, just the way you like it.
Ah, ah, ah! Who slayed Achilles? Uh, Paris, Hector's brother.
Well done, lad.
An extra treat for you.
Mr.
Covington, have you seen my? Briefcase, sir.
Oh, Mr.
Covington.
You're the best, Mr.
Covington.
How long are you staying with us? Well, Sarah, something tells me I'm gonna be here a long time.
Why is that? Your sweater's on backwards.
Paper plates for nana House is a mess Life for a single parent Is full of stress Makes you want to put a gun In your mouth Or get real high But with a little help I think we'll just get by.
By now, everyone knows the remarkable story of Dee Reynolds, a government witness whose turn as a British butler was so convincing that it was spun off into the highest rated sitcom of all time.
Today she is here to talk with us about her upcoming blockbuster Mother Earth.
Tell us more about it.
Well, this time I play a very beautiful woman.
Uh, a warrior princess who saves the world.
It's already grossed over $900 million in presale tickets, but I don't care about that.
You know, I'm more interested in exploring truth through character.
Amazing.
Yes.
And I understand you've recently become engaged to young heartthrob crooner Josh Groban.
When I found out that Mr.
Covington was actually a chick, yeah, I had to have her.
I mean, look at her.
She's smart, she's sexy, she's hilarious.
She pops.
He likes his ladies to pop.
That's true, Groban does like his ladies to pop.
Isn't he cute? Sing her that song you wrote for me.
Which one? The one you wrote for me.
Oh, God, put me on the spot.
It's great.
Oh, you're gonna love it! She's got blonde hair She's perfect in every way Feet not too large Not too small Blonde hair She's gorgeous Not like a bird But like a beautiful woman Definitely not like a bird.
Oh.
I love this man so much.
- Tell you what.
- I've got the feeling we're gonna be together a long time.
That's how babies are made.
But they didn't stay together a long time, their marriage only lasting a shocking 17 minutes before Reynolds met a new man whom she claimed she had to have.
I'll shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money! Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Give me the money! You're going about this all wrong, friend.
Oh, what the hell do you know? More than you think.
A fisherman always spots another fisherman from afar.
Hard candy? Shit.
Ah, ooh! I I dares it I dar-dar-dar A crammy hand A crammy handle bit.
A crammy handle bit aye.
Der.
I love you.
Oh, God! I am God.
I think he's awake.
His eyes keep opening.
Ah, I don't know, man.
He looks weird.
Can he hear us? No way.
His eggs are scrambled.
Mr.
Reynolds, are you there? Blink if you can understand me.
Where am I? You were shot in the head during an armed robbery.
The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem and exited the back of your skull.
Does-does my dick work? No.
Your penis does not work.
Kill me.
Mr.
Reynolds, Mr.
Reynolds.
It's important that you maintain a positive attitude.
Now, with a lot of hard work and the support of your friends Ah, it appears they've left.
Well, not to worry.
We have a top-notch rehabilitation staff and they're gonna do everything they can to improve your quality of life.
In fact, here comes your nurse now.
Until now I always got by on my own I never really cared Until I met you Hello, Dennis.
from the Channel Five News weather team.
Once upon a time, yes.
But I left that to do something more meaningful with my life.
Now, what do you say we get you back on your feet? The forecast calls for sunshine.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yes.
More.
I can't do it.
That's it.
Use your strength.
That's right.
You're so strong.
That's it.
Good.
And I just can't wait till the day When you knock on my door Oh, I'm so proud of you, yes! Oh, my God! Yeah! Now, every time I go for the mailbox Gotta hold myself down Yes! Yeah! Ah, yes! 'Cause I just can't wait Till you write me You're coming around Yes! Yes.
Oh! Yeah, Jackie.
Oh This is so great.
I need to tell you something.
Okay.
I am in love with you! I'm walking on sunshine Whoa She's lucky to be alive.
She broke her arm, few ribs, punctured a lung, shattered her pelvis Compound fractures in both legs.
Her breasts? Excuse me? What about her breasts? I'm afraid that they were, um obliterated.
Believe me, we did everything in our power to try to save them, but Now, look, she has a long, difficult road ahead of her, but you above all people should know that anything is possible.
She is lucky to have you in her life.
Could you give us a moment, please? Of course.
I'm walking on sunshine Whoa I'm walking on sunshine Whoa I'm walking on sunshine Whoa And don't it feel good Good All right Rest easy, my angel.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! What are we gonna do? Let's go, buddy.
Today! Everybody stay calm.
I'll handle this.
What? No, Frank.
Hey, Stop it.
Frank, don't be Are you crazy? Hey, what are you doing? Hurry up.
Move faster, or I'll shoot you in the face.
In the bag.
In the bag.
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't move faster.
Let's go.
Okay I don't have all day.
- Come on.
- You're surrounded.
Put your weapon down and come out with your hands up.
You're gonna have to kill me! All right, send in the K-9.
Oh, get him off me! Goddamn it, stop! Whoa, easy, puppy.
All right, it looks like the hostages are dead.
Let him have it.
Mmm I will shoot you in the teeth.
Give me the money.
Okay.
Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! Put the money in the bag.
Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out! Waitress, no! You dick.
Come on! Oh, my God, Charlie, that was so brave.
Anything for you, my love.
Charlie.
What are you doing, dude? Huh? Nothing.
What are you doing? Will you focus? We're in a serious situation here.
What are we gonna do, you guys? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah.
What the? The big bills, underneath.
Give me the big bills.