Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e06 Episode Script

Male announcer: Tonight, it's the stunning conclusion - of the semifinals.
- That's a lot of pressure.
Announcer: 21 comics will fight for the last five spots in the top ten.
Hey, do you guys think in China the forklifts are called chopsticklifts? Announcer: Thankfully, everyone will get a little help from guest mentor and superstar comedian Wanda Sykes.
Bring your best material now.
Announcer: Who moves another step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[upbeat music.]
[applause.]
[all clapping in rhythm.]
The hardest part of being in the semifinals is the nerves are really on.
[cheers and applause.]
It really takes a lot for a comic to not let the moment intimidate them and just do what they do.
I'm ready to go.
I feel good.
I never expected to make it to the semifinals.
I didn't even bring clothes.
Andi, what's your birth plan? I don't know, out? [laughter.]
Hey, guys, look what I found.
[laughter.]
If you don't like my comedy, I'ma steal some stuff.
[laughter.]
I feel like if I treat it just like any other club show then it's, like, easier, - you know? - Right.
My invitational set was super fun.
I was really pleased with how the judges responded.
It's kind of intimidating sometimes, being in front of, like, judges of that iconic stature.
You know, it's easy to be like, "Ohh!" [cheers and applause.]
This is a comedy rumble, and they're either gonna choke or they're gonna kill.
Hello, comedians.
You have no reason to be nervous.
I know I said that last week, but I was lying.
[laughter.]
Have a great show.
I'm rooting for five of you.
Have a great show.
[clapping.]
Male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the host of "Last Comic Standing," Anthony Jeselnik! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you and welcome to "Last Comic Standing.
" I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik, and I'm feeling good tonight, because I feel good every night.
It's mornings that are a living hell for me.
Afternoons are no picnic either, but the nighttime is the right time.
Tonight is our second semifinals show.
The comics will compete for the last five spots in our top ten and to remain in the running for the title of "Last Comic Standing.
" [cheers and applause.]
So let's cut to the chase and introduce our judges Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[cheers and applause.]
Roseanne Barr.
Ow! [cheers and applause.]
- Norm Macdonald.
- Thank you, Anthony.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, because we're in the semifinals, we brought in a mentor to help the comics prepare for this week's show, the great Wanda Sykes.
[cheers and applause.]
It's time to get this show on the road.
Take a look at this.
Oh, my gosh.
- How you doing? - Good.
I was so scared it was gonna be a boy.
Oh, no, just a lesbian.
[laughs.]
[squeals.]
[chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Have a seat.
Okay.
I'm struggling with what jokes to do, so it's helpful to have somebody like Wanda be able to look at it and be like, "This is what I would want to see.
" Let's see the next set.
All right.
This is terrifying.
Give it up.
I'm struggling, 'cause I don't know if I should continue on with the mom stuff.
What else you got? I'd try to start conversations and my dad would be like, "Shut up, you're scaring the fish away.
" Like, are you sure it's me? Maybe they're just picking up on the tension.
Hi.
The fishing thing, mm Stay on the mommy stuff? Yup.
Here's the thing, for the semifinals, you need stronger jokes.
They have to be winners.
If there's a joke that kills all the time - Yeah.
- Don't save it.
I think I can do that.
Are you gonna wear the hat? Roseanne said it was distracting the her, but it's part of the outfit.
This is not "Top Model.
" [laughs.]
Ian Bagg.
Wanda - Congratulations.
You were so funny and your jokes were so well-written.
My dad wears a belt and suspenders at the same time.
I have no idea what happened to him, but I guess he lost his pants during a very important speech.
Keenen stressed that they'd love to see you do more crowd work.
That's what you should do.
Okay.
Most comics give a speech, but I like to have a conversation.
And that stuff, is it pretty much just off the top of your head or it's a conversation? Just a conversation, it's just about having fun with people.
I have to make it into the next round, so I'm hoping it works.
Kill it.
Here's our first comic of the night.
Please welcome Ian Bagg.
[upbeat music.]
Uh, thanks.
Not everybody clapped.
That was a little disappointing, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Oh, I don't like your guys's attitude right now.
Here's the deal, you came here.
I didn't break into your house and start doing this, so let's get into it.
'Cause right now, you're treating me like you're having a barbecue and I just kicked over the fence and started telling jokes.
That's not what happened.
Screw it, let's get outta here.
What do you guys want to do? Want to go to Whole Foods, pool our money and buy an apple? All right, some of you laughed.
Some of you laughed, some of you didn't laugh.
The judges didn't laugh because they're so rich, they have no idea.
"Is Whole Foods expensive? What goes on there?" Yeah.
$16.
99 a pound for apples is expensive.
They charge that much 'cause all the women wear yoga pants when they shop there and they know men will pay $16.
99 a pound to [cheers and applause.]
All right, some of you know what I'm talking about.
Some of you are laughing.
Some of you are from a small town and yoga pants haven't hit there yet.
came up with these pants for yoga.
Not one of you ladies has worn 'em to yoga since.
Wear 'em to do everything but yoga.
That's right.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah! Just 'cause you're bent over at a Jamba Juice does not mean you need yoga pants on, all right? And I'm not the pervert for looking at your hoo-ha 'cause I can see through your pants.
Yeah, maybe you're the pervert for not wearing underwear with your see-through pants.
You ever think about that, sister? So why don't you back up? So I get into a fight in the Jamba Juice there, right, with a lady there, and I My move is, I punched her in the boobs.
That's my move right there.
Lot of young guys here, and a lot of you looking at me, "What?" Yeah.
Always, uppercut.
Remember that, guys, always uppercut.
'Cause they do not see it coming.
Just bam! Bottom [bleep.]
slaps them in the face.
Yeah.
I would not punch a woman in the boob, it was a joke.
I thought I'd do it, comedy club.
Let's do it.
No.
I do however want to run through a group of girls and slap them all in the boobs.
Not in a mean way, more of a Huckleberry Finn painting a picket fence.
Just [imitating slapping fence posts.]
Yeah.
Of course, one of them gonna have smaller boobs than the others, so it's gonna sound like some of the pickets are missing.
"Bah bah bah bah back ga-gack-buh-buh-dak-dak.
" All right, you guys have been a lot of fun.
Thanks for listening to me.
[cheers and applause.]
Ian Bagg, ladies and gentlemen.
All right, Norm? Ian has incredible control over the audience, like Yeah, he does.
From the moment he takes the microphone.
Oh.
[cheers and applause.]
I really can't quite figure out how he does it.
He can do a long joke about punching a woman in the [bleep.]
[laughter.]
And completely get away with it.
The silliness of Ian is superb.
Okay.
[cheers and applause.]
Roseanne, how'd you feel about Ian Bagg? Well, you surprised me.
You know, I liked you last time, but you topped yourself.
I like that kind of a defiant thing that you're just daring us to get pissed off.
And I don't know why it works to make us like you more, but it was just hilarious.
You killed.
Thanks.
I wasn't surprised.
I actually was surprised the last time he was on because this is who I was waiting to see.
Basically, one of the notes was just, "Come do what you do," and this is what the guy does, and it's hysterically funny.
It's great.
Great.
Yeah.
One more time for Mr.
Ian Bagg.
Great job, Ian.
[cheers and applause.]
I like to push buttons a little bit, so I thought I was more of myself tonight than I was last time.
Our next performer is ready for you right now.
Let's hear it for Ryan Conner.
[cheers and applause.]
So, I have 11 brothers, mostly adopted and multiple races.
My first adopted brother is Vietnamese.
He didn't speak a word of English before he arrived, so we had to cover the entire house in labels so he would understand what's happening, and my Southern grandmother somehow was unaware of foreign languages, and it blew her mind.
She comes over to my Mom, "Now, Debbie, why does it say 'wall' on the wall?" She's like, "Well, that's so Aut knows what it is.
" "Baby, I don't mean to sound condescending, "but surely they have walls in Vietnam.
[both laughing.]
Now, I understand labeling the TV, but a wall?" My mom's like, "Yeah, of course they have walls, but that's not what they call them.
" My grandma still doesn't get, she goes, "Well, what else would you call a wall then? Like, a vertical floor or roof legs, or something?" So my family's pretty country, and, like, one of my uncles always makes fun of me because I don't work with my hands for a living.
Like, he doesn't consider me an actual man.
He's like, "Look, man, you know how I feel "about the stand-up thing.
"I do honest work for a living, you know? "I'm a carpenter, that's a good, honest living.
I mean, hell, Jesus was a carpenter, so" I'm like, yeah, but that wasn't Jesus' main thing, you know? [cheers and applause.]
Like, that's not why we're still talking about Jesus at all.
Like like, the carpentry could not have been more incidental to the Bible, like Like, he could have done AC repair, same book, you know? He acts like the disciples were sitting around like, "Hey, man, you see the desk this Jesus fellow made? "That sumbitch must be the son of God.
"I ain't ever seen such a thing, just turning trees into furniture.
" All right, thanks a lot, guys.
Ryan Conner, everybody.
Ryan Conner, clap your hands.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, Roseanne, you were married to a comedian once if you want to be generous.
[laughter.]
Two, I was married to two comedians.
Who's the other one? My first husband was a comedian too.
- But who was the other? - What? She's saying Tom Arnold was her second husband, but her first husband also, a comedian.
- Yeah.
- Tom Arnold was a comedian? [laughter.]
Anyways, is Ryan good enough to be one of your ex-husbands? [laughs.]
Well, he's awfully young for me.
[laughs.]
You know, I think you did really well.
I think you're a great comic.
I think tonight your material wasn't as good as it was last time.
I was just hoping that you would have blown the roof right off of this place.
That being said, you did good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I feel like every white person in America should have grown up like Ryan.
It's just, like, you know, having to understand all these different cultures just gives him such great perspective and such a funny view of the normalcy of different, you know? I think you're a great comedian.
Thank you, Keenen, appreciate it.
Keenen is correct, and I think that Roseanne was maybe a little unfair in the assessment, because the first time, you were doing your introduction to who you were and it surprised everybody.
You can't do that again.
I love the Jesus joke was incredible.
I don't know why the disciples had a Southern accent.
Yeah, yeah, that's a Southern accent.
But it made me laugh.
I loved it, it was great.
Okay.
One more time for Ryan Conner, everybody, Ryan Conner.
Thank you.
Announcer: Coming up, one comedian bares his soul.
Some people drink and unwind.
I would unravel.
There's a difference, you know? Announcer: And then, Norm has an epiphany.
I suddenly came to the revelation that very good comics are going to lose.
Sounds like something you should have just thought, Norm.
Yeah.
Announcer: And later, Keenen gives some valuable advice.
I feel like the gold vagina should have been your opening joke.
[laughter.]
A great comedian has to have that intangible that you can't duplicate or put your finger on.
Right, but there's something You gotta have the material too, though.
Being at the semifinal round, it's a lot of pressure.
I want to impress Keenen because he's gonna push me to get better or dig deeper, so when you finally get to that core that he's looking for, it's like, "Bam! I really I really did something now.
" This is my planner, okay? I put all my important dates, shows, everything in this planner, 'cause I don't trust my phone.
Technology, no.
And, plus, if I get robbed at gunpoint, they gon' take my phone, but you got to be a coldhearted villain to steal somebody's plans.
"What's that in your back pocket?" "Oh.
This is my plans.
This is my pl" "Oh, you got plans out here, man? Give me this.
"Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Big Meat, T-Bone, he got plans.
"Oh, you a comedian, huh? That's good.
These are shows, huh? Yeah, the summertime.
" [imitates ripping paper.]
"I'm taking all that.
We doing those shows this summer.
" You are a great comedian and very funny and very clever, and I love where your mind goes.
Your plans thing, what a great premise.
I think you could have gotten even bigger with it, but I think that was your best bit.
Thank you, thank you.
Tony Baker, everybody.
There's nobody in this competition who's not worthy of being here, so it's gonna be hard to pick who can move forward.
It's tough being single as a guy, because we know the rule is the man should pay for dinner.
I think that's the tradition, how it's been, how it always should be, the man should pay for dinner.
But I also think it's time for a compromise, ladies.
Start with hooking up, end with dinner.
I think that's fair.
I think that's fair.
[cheers and applause.]
- [laughs.]
You rock the house, we eat wherever you want.
You end up at a fast food restaurant, you know what you did wrong, for next time.
I think that's fair.
[cheers and applause.]
I don't know, the hardest part about Texas is the lingo.
I couldn't figure the lingo out for a long time.
I thought T-Y, I didn't know that was "thank you.
" I thought somebody named Ty was stalking me forever.
Hey, do you guys think in China the forklifts are called "chopstick lifts"? I went to a restaurant that was run by cannibals.
I had the salad, the soup of the day, the employee of the month.
I went to a food festival.
They had food from colonial times.
It was all stale.
[laughs.]
My mom, her favorite thing to do is threaten me with Jesus.
You know, I call her up, like, "Hey, Mom, how are you doing?" "Hey, baby, hey.
Hey, I hear you "telling your little jokes, doing your little comedy.
"Do people laugh at your little jokes when you tell your little jokes?" I'm like, "Yeah, Ma, I get a laugh here and there.
" "Oh, that's good, baby, that's good, 'cause when Jesus get back, all that laughing gonna stop.
" Being in the semifinals is super exciting, just because I feel like I've gotten over a hump.
I could go further, you know.
Why not, man? I'm on fire right now.
The word "flamboyant" has become synonymous with male homosexuality, and I looked up "flamboyant" in the dictionary recently, and there was no mention of homosexuality whatsoever, so, frankly, I don't think that they should get to own that.
[laughter.]
You know, sometimes I see a pretty woman sitting in the audience like you, and I'll just want to go Oh my God.
Look at you! You are the type of woman that I would enjoy having heterosexual intercourse with.
[cheers and applause.]
Just damn funny, no matter what you do.
Thank you.
I'm not sure the material was strong enough, but I think you're naturally funny, which guarantees you a life of working in comedy, which is the best prize of all.
One more time for Shakir Standley.
Good job.
He was good.
Unbelievably, your next comic is ready to take the stage.
- Whoo! - Give it up for Andi Smith.
[upbeat music.]
So my boyfriend collects baseball cards.
He's 37 years old.
I told my mom he collected baseball cards, and she's like, "Well, at least he doesn't do heroin.
" Like, I don't even know if I find that comforting.
At least if he did heroin, he might try and keep it a secret.
And we're not married.
We were engaged for a while.
And I don't really understand marriage to begin with, you know? It made sense when women were considered property and someone had to establish ownership.
Right? Now [cheers and applause.]
Now I just don't get it.
I have to pay someone to break up with you? How about I just text you when I don't like you anymore? But we had a baby, which is essentially the same thing, you know? And that's how you're supposed to say it, by the way.
You're supposed to say, "We had a baby.
" Uh, shut up, liar.
I had a baby.
[women cheering.]
Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
He smoked pot and tickled himself in the garage for ten minutes.
My doctor said I couldn't even have kids.
He told me I had endometriosis.
I researched it.
Apparently what that means is my uterus was so bored, it started making rubber band balls like an out-of-work call center employee.
And men handle things differently, you know? Men just don't he didn't know how to deal with it.
He started taking Adderall.
Like yeah, like a lot of Adderall, and I don't know if you've ever lived with someone on essentially methamphetamines before, but it's kind of like living with a wasp, right? 'Cause zzz.
You just figure out what room it's in, you know, and then you avoid that room.
Right? [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, you just shut the door and hope it dies in there.
Ow! [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
[upbeat music.]
Andi Smith, everybody.
Way to go, Andi.
Great job.
Roseanne? I think you're so audacious, wry, you take a great command of the stage.
I think you're a great comic and I think you had a great set.
- Thanks.
- How about you, Norm? I was very disappointed.
I don't know what happened, I cannot explain it, because you were so good last week.
- Hmm.
- Gosh, I think [crowd boos.]
- Okay.
Keenen? I thought you were very funny.
I love when women take ownership of everything that happens to them, and you making fun of your own poor choices in men and you know, I just found that hilarious, and even talking about endometriosis, I've never heard anyone describe it that way.
- I thought I - Eh, why not? I thought it was hilarious.
Good job.
High praise.
Let her hear it, Andi Smith.
She was good.
She had good writing two weeks in a row.
Announcer: And now, "Last Comic Standing's" Number three.
I think what all that what everyone's trying to say is that the joke, it's funny, but it was off-point from the rest of his set.
Is that what you guys are trying to say? - No, that's not what I'm trying to say.
- No, no.
Give it up.
Dominique.
Whoo! First time I clapped for myself.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
I look up to Wanda, definitely.
She's a great comedian.
I like her style, her writing ability.
I was sitting with one of my friends the other day, we were out eating dinner, and he bit a piece of Wonder Bread, and his tooth fell out.
- Look, you have better jokes.
- Okay.
This set is too much about some guy that He's your friend.
I wanted everything about you.
Okay.
Okay.
Right? Like, Roseanne loves you, Norm loves you.
You had a great set.
I got a call from my biological father.
He said, "Well, if I don't get a kidney, they say I'm gonna die.
" I said, "Well, people die.
" I mean, that's what makes you you.
Okay, okay.
Wanda gave me great advice, and, yes, I'm definitely gonna use it.
Who wouldn't? Please welcome Dominique.
[cheers and applause.]
I'm from D.
C.
originally, you know? [people cheering.]
All right, shout out to D.
C.
, okay.
And I didn't have a lot of white friends growing up.
But now that I live in L .
A.
, I do.
I have a lot of white friends.
I have Ethan, Seth, and Molly, and Jeremy.
It's going good.
I'm going over to their house for barbecues, learning how to eat asparagus, learning how to eat Brussels sprouts.
I said, Jeremy, we don't eat the baby cabbage, we eat the big cabbage.
But you know, I said, and we don't put peas in the potato salad.
I said, bad potato salad at our function will ruin our whole function.
When your auntie walk to the table and say, "Why the hell would Pearl put peas in the potato salad? "She done ruined my whole damn meal! Why would she do something like that?" I said, "So don't do that.
" He said, "Okay.
" But I said, "You gotta season it a little bit more.
" He said, "What's wrong?" I said, "You're not shaking right.
" I said, "You're shaking like this, you gotta shake like that.
" He said, "We eat low cholesterol.
" I said, "I take Lipitor.
Much as I'm paying for this prescription, you better shake it on there.
" [cheers and applause.]
But when they start getting high, I go home.
He said, "Well, why you going home?" He said, "We having a good time, why you going home?" And you know, your white friends, they demand an answer, you know? "We're having a good time.
Why would you leave right now?" I said, "Jeremy, I don't get down like that.
" So he was very persistent, so I finally said, "Okay, 'cause I'm the only black person in here.
"So when y'all get to hallucinating, the joke gon' be on me.
" I said, "I watch too much crime TV for this.
"You'll never chop my head off and hide it behind the grocery store some-damn-where.
" Have me on "Nancy Grace.
" Whoo! [upbeat music.]
Keep it going for Dominique.
[cheers and applause.]
Keenen, what'd you think about Dominique? I thought Dominique took 'em to church.
It was like a [laughs.]
Okay.
It felt very much like a reverend's cadence, you know, and it was very very fun to watch.
It was different because it wasn't sort of the conventional jokes, it was much more attitude and observation, and I think that it obviously hit home with the audience, 'cause they were laughing along with all the description that you was giving us, and it worked out really nice.
Thank you, Keenen.
Took 'em to church.
Norm, what'd you think? When I'm listening to comedians as the judge, I take my little pen, and then I write down what I don't like, but the pen never was touched during your set.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Roseanne, how'd you feel about Dominique? I love so much that you also are into the murder TV like I am.
That was my favorite.
I just loved it.
Thank you.
Thank you, Roseanne.
- Dominique, people, Dominique.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- There you go, Dominique.
[cheers and applause.]
Let's get to our next performer of the evening.
Please welcome Joe List.
[upbeat music.]
I have horrible anxiety.
My friend told me I should meditate, so I went to the book store, I picked up the meditation book.
Page one, it said, "Only that day dawns to which you are awake.
" I was like, whew.
Well, this book is for somebody else.
I'm having a panic attack trying to break down the first sentence in this book, so, evidently, I'm too dumb to meditate.
I don't really understand meditation.
My friend's like, "You have anxiety? You should meditate.
" I'm like, "Oh, I should sit alone in a room with nothing but my thoughts?" That's the cure for anxiety? What's your cure for my ADD? Sudoku? I don't really [laughs.]
I had to quit drinking, 'cause that was giving me too much anxiety, and I should be more clear.
I had to quit drinking 'cause I was an alcoholic, and that was giving me anxiety.
You gotta be clear on that, 'cause otherwise it's confusing.
People are like, "Drinking helps anxiety.
" I'm like, "Well, probably we drank differently than each other, you know?" Some people drink and unwind.
I would unravel.
There's a difference, you know? [cheers and applause.]
Waking up covered in bruises and street signs, not as relaxing as you might think it would be, you know? [laughs.]
I'm like, "This might be a sign that it's time to stop.
" My friend's like, "What is?" I'm like, "This stop sign.
" It's it's a literal sign to stop.
[laughs.]
When I was a kid, my family used to use the word "happy" to describe drunk.
Like, instead of "hammered," they'd be like, "We were getting pretty happy last night.
" That'll sort of plant the seeds of alcoholism in you when you're nine years old and you think "happy" means "drunk," you know? I'm in third grade, my teacher's like, "What makes you happy, Joe?" I'm like, "I'm actually not old enough to be happy just yet.
" [cheers and applause.]
I think that's it for me.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
- Joe List, everybody.
- Thanks a lot.
Great job, Joe.
Hi, Andy.
Thank you.
Now, Keenen, what did you think about Joe List's set? Something that you do that's really nice is that you are vulnerable, but not pathetic.
- Right.
- You know what I mean? So it you know, it's not like sad sack at all.
It's just, "This is me.
" - Oh, thanks.
- And I think it's great.
Great, thank you.
Appreciate it.
The thing that I like best about comedy is when you're able to get up there and transcend the pain, you know, that you've lived through and make it into jokes that we can all identify with.
Some people unwind, but you unravel.
That's really original, good stuff.
- Good good set.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
You know what I liked a lot was at the beginning of the set when you were talking about books and not understanding it, I really liked that, because there are comedians whose agenda is to let the audience know how smart they are, rather than how funny they are, and people, a lot of times, in comedy, reveal everything, and I feel that you conceal certain things, and it makes it much more powerful and lets the audience fill in the blanks, and I think you're fantastic.
Oh, thank you, Norm.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, everybody.
One last time for Joe List.
Thank you.
Thank you, Anthony, - Great job, man.
- Appreciate it.
[cheers and applause.]
This guy is platinum.
He's like a machine.
Announcer: And now, "Last Comic Standing's" Number two.
Roseanne? What'd you think about Jackie? Fabulous.
That's all you got? You just said her last name and you're gonna cash your paycheck? [laughter.]
Announcer: And coming up, Michael Palascak gets political.
The only thing I know about capitalism is if I see a period, the next letter should be bigger.
[laughs.]
You know where I get a lot of my material from? I have a microphone at home.
Yeah.
So just get up with my microphone, get up in the mirror, and just let it go.
It's a lot of pressure, trying to outdo my invitational set, 'cause I came out blazing for the first one, so it was like, "Oh, hey, I'm gonna top that one.
" When there wasn't no man in the house, my two sisters and my mama, they looking at me like I'm supposed to be the protector of the family.
I'm looking at them like, who showed me how to protect the family when I'm outside playing double Dutch with y'all? Hey, I know how to jump rope, but I don't know how to fight.
I got a son to take care of.
I go pick him up to get a haircut, he gonna say, "Daddy, I want a mohawk.
" I said, "Well, I want you to pay for your haircut.
" He was like, "I don't I can't do it, I don't have the money.
" I was like, "Exactly, that's why you getting a bald head then.
" Your biggest competition is yourself.
Every opportunity you get, you gotta seize that moment, and I just didn't feel like you did that tonight.
You could be someone who's been doing it for 15 years and have an hour of great material, and someone who only has 3 You have to ensure that each set is gonna be a killer set.
I did not find the material that original.
Your set was all over the place.
You seemed bored for the entire set.
It took you awhile to get going, and pisses me off! Whoa.
This is my first time as a judge, and I suddenly came to the revelation that very good comics are going to lose.
[laughter.]
Sounds like something you should have just thought, Norm.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
So I used to have really long hair.
Two years ago on Halloween, I got it braided into corn rows 'cause I wanted to go as Queen Latifah from "Set It Off.
" And the woman who braided my hair told me I was gonna need to get a do rag to keep my braids from getting fuzzy.
SO I went to the grocery store, took my do rag to checkout, and at checkout, the person was just like, "What are you doing? "Who do you think you are, white person with corn rows? I hate you.
" Now, they didn't say that, but I know they were thinking it.
And I know, 'cause I was at self checkout.
[cheers and applause.]
I wish to see you animated a little bit more in performance because I know if you did that, you would just tear the roof off, but you did great.
Thank you.
One more time for Noah Gardenswartz.
Our next performer is ready for you right now.
Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause.]
I was an English major when I was in college.
It got me an interview at a pyramid scheme company.
They were like, "If we hire you, in 10 to 12 months "you could be owning and running your own company.
Does that scare you?" I was like, "No, but it should scare you.
" I was an English major.
The only thing I know about capitalism is if I see a period, the next letter should be bigger.
[laughs.]
I had to buy a car.
That's a big thing.
I bought an SUV.
One of my friends is like, "Michael, you got an SUV? What about the glaciers? What about the rain forests?" I'm like, "I got four-wheel drive.
We can go wherever you want.
" I like driving it over to see my parents.
My parents, I like seeing them, they have an awesome washer and dryer.
Top of the line technology.
I put my clothes in the washer and they come out folded on my bed.
My parents raised me in a Catholic household.
It's hard being Catholic as you get older 'cause the rules are harder to follow, you know? Like, if you're Catholic, you're not supposed to have sex till you get married, which is great, you know? You don't have kids or get diseases, but what happens if you die before you get married? That's not fair.
Then you go to heaven a virgin and you might have to have sex with a terrorist.
Thank you, everybody.
[upbeat music.]
Michael Palascak, everyone.
Make him feel good, Michael Palascak.
- Good job, Michael.
- Thank you.
Norm, what'd you think about Michael Palascak? I think your best joke by a million miles was describing the English degree as As learning that a period is followed by a big letter.
[laughs.]
- I love it.
That was fantastic.
- You're great.
You're great.
- Thank you.
Roseanne? I just wish that you would tighten it up, because you are a really good writer and your delivery's fantastic, but I think it needs to get there faster, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
It's like - But you did great.
Thanks.
Thanks.
I understand what Roseanne is saying, but man, that terrorist joke is absolutely brilliant.
Funny.
All right.
Michael Palascak, everybody.
Good job, Michael.
Keep it going for Michael Palascak.
[cheers and applause.]
Announcer: Coming up I come from a huge family and there's a lot of people in it, so - She's definitely a contender.
- Thank you.
Announcer: And then Let's get to the results.
Announcer: It's the last chance to advance to the head-to-head round.
- Can we pick those first? - No.
Hi, Amy Miller.
Hi.
I'm really excited to be in the semifinals.
I'm newer than a lot of people, but I stand out because of my look, the 1986 bangs special.
- Nice to see you again.
- Great, thanks.
Good to see you too.
So you had a really good set.
Yeah.
Norm felt like your set construction was a bit odd.
It was a mess.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
I see what Norm was saying as far as the set construction, but I still went with it.
I loved it, - I thought you did great.
- Thanks.
So let's talk about the second set.
Chubby ladies get laid just as much, but half those times are secrets.
[laughs.]
It's fine, it's cool with me, because if it's a secret, your number never goes up, so I've had sex with, like, two people.
Um You kind of lost me.
Your number never goes up? Your sex number never goes up - Oh, your sex number.
- 'cause it's like - it never happened.
- Oh, your sex number.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would ditch it or change it.
Hmm.
Okay.
Bring your best material now.
If there's better jokes that you're sitting on, don't sit on 'em.
That makes sense.
I need to move on to the next round Back out the way you came.
So I'm doing some really new jokes about my vagina, which is probably terribly stupid.
Amy Miller.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, guys.
I come from a huge family and there's a lot of people in it, so yeah.
Yeah, we're big ones, you know? My aunts will come over, they're like, "Oh, my God, Amy, have you lost weight?" I'm like, "No.
You guys just keep getting bigger for some reason.
" What a lot of people don't realize, though, is as a chubby lady, like, we get laid just as much.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah, you know, but half those times are secrets.
'Cause men are cowards.
Yeah.
A weird thing is that I weigh so much more than you would ever be able to guess.
Like, if we went to the carnival and we played that game where you try to guess my weight, I'm walking away with that teddy bear.
You can't guess it, and it's not because of, like, how much muscle I have or anything like that.
Um what's going on is, my vagina is made of solid gold.
- [cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It gets heavy.
Yeah, heavy.
It's heavy down there.
The weird thing is, in spite of all this treasure I'm walking around with, I have been broken up with.
When he broke up with me, he said something that I thought was very hurtful.
He said, "Amy, it's just, like, "all the other guys you been with, it's like when we're together, they're all I can think about.
" I was like, "Oh, my God.
What a coincidence.
" Hey, you guys have been great.
I'm Amy.
Amy Miller, everybody.
That was great, Amy, just pure gold.
I think the gold vagina thing is so funny.
[laughter.]
Keenen, why don't you whip out your platinum and tell her what you think.
[laughter.]
- Whoo-hoo! I feel like the gold vagina should have been your opening joke.
Yeah.
It was so strong and so defined you, your attitude, and everything else, that that's how you should have set the tone for your set.
Okay.
Now, Roseanne, is Amy a contender or a pretender? Um, she's definitely a contender.
She's got authority, she's got confidence, she's got good material, and I think you did a really great job tonight.
Thank you so much.
Norm, you're coming in third so you get bronze.
[laughter.]
Overall, what'd you think? Good, bad? Uh, I don't know.
Comedy is writing and writing is very, very precise and your final joke, you say it was hurtful, but it wasn't hurtful, so throw that "hurtful" line away.
Trust me.
Okay.
Keep it going for Amy Miller, everyone.
[cheers and applause.]
- Great job.
Whoo! That was the final performance and now the comics are at the mercy of our esteemed judges.
I'm picking her because she's so original and unique.
- No, way.
- Wait, wait, - we're all picking her.
- No, way.
Announcer: And now, "Last Comic Standing's" Number one.
When I first heard that you went to Iraq and Afghanistan to entertain the troops, I thought, "My God, haven't these men and women gone through enough?" [laughter.]
We have a lot of guys in common.
Can we pick those first? - Yeah, sure, of course.
- You mean that we all agree on? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we agree on this guy.
No.
I don't know if I'm moving on.
Based on at least what Roseanne thinks of me, I think I have a good shot at it, but we'll see.
I don't know if I'll be moving on, I hope so.
I think if it's up to Norm and Keenen, yeah.
I think if it's up to Roseanne, maybe.
On competitions like this, whether or not you move on, you never know, but that set felt good to me.
Welcome back.
Our judges have chosen five of tonight's comics to move on to the next round.
Now let's get to the results.
[dramatic music.]
The first comic moving on is Ian Bagg.
I made it through the semifinals and I'm in the top ten.
I had fun and I think the crowd had fun with me.
I am thrilled to be here.
[laughs.]
He's great.
Joe List.
I never expected anything good ever.
I'm gonna enjoy this for now, but definitely exciting and hopeful.
Dominique.
I can't believe this.
Still sinking in.
Michael Palascak.
I'm really shocked.
There was a lot of great people that didn't make it this far.
It's just just a great feeling.
And tonight's last comic moving on is [dramatic music.]
Ryan Conner.
I'm not, like, a yeller.
I don't jump up and scream.
That only happens during the World Cup and NBA playoffs, but I'm very happy.
I'm very happy right now.
Yeah, I'm ecstatic.
And there you have it.
Next week, our top ten will pair off and square off in the head-to-head round.
See you next week.