Live at The Apollo (2004) s09e06 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Nina Conti! Woo! Thank you! Thank you so much! Wow, this is thrilling! Live At The Apollo! Hello, welcome! I am your host, hello! Now, I'm not hosting alone, I have a friend with me in here.
He's really the main guy, he writes all my jokes.
Can we please give it up for Monkey? Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
What a thrill.
Good Lord, look at this! They know it's ventriloquism? Yeah, they catch on quick.
Look at her, standing there trying not to move her mouth.
What a tosser.
Can you get rid of the bag? Yeah, you don't have to be in the bag the whole time.
There's no going back! No, there's no going back, so here we are.
Here we are in the now, Live At The Apollo.
Look at all these these folk.
Yeah, these folk, these celebrities.
I'd love to talk to some of these celebrities but, unfortunately, Nina doesn't watch your shows.
That's not true! Look at Bill Oddie there, what's he doing? What have you got there, Bill? It's a badger.
It's a badger? Does he talk? Er, no.
No? Your hand is up his arse and he still doesn't talk? What's his name, the badger? He's just Badger, he represents all the badgers in the world.
Is your badger free after the show, cos I'm going to get in there! Monkey! Who knows what species we might create? Oh, goodness, Fiona Bruce! Hello, Fiona! You're such a hottie, I wish I was on your hand.
Erm I'm going to move on to you, sir.
You are gorgeous, Nina fancies you, that's why I said that.
What do you do? Are you legal? Monkey! I'm sorry, what do you do? In sixth form at the moment.
You're in sixth form? Excellent, excellent.
Oh, dear me.
Look at her, all dressed up, trying to look so nice and then she sticks a monkey on her tit and it all goes wrong.
Erm Are you sixth form too? Unlucky.
And are you Mum? Yes.
You're Mum to him.
OK, good.
And is this your husband? No, Monkey! It can't be, are you? My nephew.
It's your nephew I'm so sorry, it's really deviant! You're all very welcome.
What do you do, lady? What's your name? Kay.
Your name is Kay.
I work in a school kitchen.
You work in a school kitchen? What do you cook? What's the nicest thing you cook? Spaghetti bolognaise.
Spaghetti bolognaise.
That's the nicest thing she cooks, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd love to try some.
Listen, are you Are you free to help out with our act for a little minute cos Nina needs a new puppet and I think you might be the one.
Would you join us? Yes.
OK, Kay is going to join us on the stage, ladies and gentleman.
Thank you very much! Keep clapping, keeping clapping.
We don't want her to lose heart.
I'm going to take my bag now.
What are you going to do, get her to get in the bag? No, I'm not.
Thank you so much, Kay.
OK, I'm going to go now and from now on you're taking over, OK? Good luck! Now, what I want to do, Kay, is just give you a make-over which is going to take the heat off you and then you don't have to worry about what you say.
I'm going to do your talking for you.
I'm just going to put this on you.
OK.
OK, thank you, Kay.
Fantastic, how are you feeling? Ha-ha, loving it! You all right? Ha-ha-ha! You've got a funny laugh! I've got a funny laugh! You all right? Yeah, I love it! We don't have this much fun in the kitchen! Oh, dear, how lovely! Yes, isn't it lovely? Look at this.
I'll just hold my hands together like this.
You will? No, I'll let them go.
Are you all right? Yeah, I can't decided what to do with my hands.
I can't decide.
Oh, dear, they're here for No, they're here.
No, they're here.
Where will they go next? I have no idea! Here they go behind the back! And here they are again! That's lovely! It's the disappearing hand trick.
It's really nice.
I could do this for hours, couldn't I? They've gone again! They've gone! Where are they? Here they are! That's brilliant! Oh, yeah, love it.
I love it, I'm a natural.
I'm a natural performer.
That's amazing! Just the hand movements, that's all you need.
There they are.
Magic hands! Magic hands! Amazing! Yeah, always on the move, there they go.
Oh! Hiding them! Where are they now, ladies and gentleman? There they are! Fantastic! Oh, where are the fingers? There they are, magic hands.
Wonderful, magic hands.
So what else do you do with them? Oh, I do mime.
Mime? Yeah, you know, like that wall.
There it is, you can see it there, that's What is it? It's a robot.
It was a robot? Magic, magic hands! I love it, what else do you do? Oh, I do lots of mimes, like this one.
What's that? It's just, er, tassels.
Lots of tassels hanging down.
Sort of like a tassely thing.
A tassely thing? Yeah, you know, one of those things.
I don't know what you mean.
You know, with tassels and things and those bits.
That's amazing! Oh, you can see it, can't you? There it is! I'm insane! I love it! I'm mad, me.
I'm such a tiger inside! I love it! Oh, dear, fingers, fingers.
That's wonderful, so Can I do my whole act? Sorry? I'd like to do my act.
Well, more than the mime? Yeah, I mean, this is some of what I do, but That's great.
I mean, it's so fast! Yeah, you just can't keep up with me, can you? I can't get enough! It's amazing.
Yeah, one of those, one of these, some of them! Sure, you can do your act - what do you do? Oh, I do a bit of juggling.
Yeah, yeah.
It's good with balls, though.
Yes, I bet.
Have you got any? I'm presuming you haven't, hence shaking my head.
Have you got any? Have I got any balls? Yes, I have.
Oh, excellent! Hand them over! Really? Yeah, I'll do the juggling.
All right.
OK, there's two.
OK, I'll need one more, one more.
Oh, my God, that's amazing! Wow! Can I have three? You can do three as well? Oh, yeah.
I can't believe you can What the hell, I'll just throw them into the crowd! That's for you, Bill Oddie! There's one there.
Yeah, just leave it there.
It's fine.
That's really good, I can't believe you can juggle.
Yeah, you couldn't do your normal jokes, could you? Cos I could juggle.
Keeping you on your toes, aren't I? That's brilliant.
And there's something else I do.
You want to do it here now? Yes, I think they're liking it.
OK, what would you like? Can I do my balloon modelling? Yeah, sure.
Have you got a balloon? Yes, I have.
What are the chances! There you go.
Oh, lovely, OK.
I'll just stretch it out.
Have you got a pump? Yes, I've got a pump.
Hand it over.
There you go.
Put it in like that.
Insert it.
Don't look at me doing this.
Oh, there it goes! I'll just fill it up like this.
That's amazing.
All the way.
Wow! That's really long! Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my goodness! I'm crazy, me.
Anything could happen now! Wow! I like to fill it really full! No-one's ever done this! Yeah, well, I'm keeping you on your toes.
I'm mad, me.
Is this your balloon modelling? Yeah, it's a snake! That is the fullest I've ever seen one! Yeah, well, watch and learn, Conti, watch and learn.
What are you doing? I'm tying it in a knot! Brilliant! There, you keep that.
I'm mad, me.
I said I was mad.
The fun we have in the kitchen.
Wow, are you done? Well, not exactly.
I've got my closing bit.
What's your closing bit? I like a cream pie at the end of my act.
Cream pie? Yeah, have you got the makings of one? Well, yes, I suppose so.
What are the chances?! Hand it over.
What, like that? Yeah, I'll just take that out of the wrapper.
OK.
Have you got any cream? Well, yes, I've got something you could use as cream.
Hand it over, I'll put that in the bag.
All right, there you go.
And I'll simply squeeze the cream all over the All over the base.
Wow, that's loads! Yeah, lots and lots, I like lots and lots.
Lots and lots, that's lovely.
Look at that - isn't that tasty? Wow! That's better than my spaghetti bolognaise! So what then do you do? Well, that'd be telling, wouldn't it? What are you going to do with it? Well, I've got a choice, haven't I? What's your choice? Well, I could do you or me or Or my son.
Do you know what you're going to do? I'm working on it.
Just thinking about it.
You're just going to throw it into the crowd? I might, I'm crazy, I'll do what I want.
What does the crowd want me to do? That's the thing you've got to guess, isn't it? They want me to do you.
What? No, not me! Yes, you! No! Yes! On the count of three, I'm going to do it! What are you going to do? Oh, my God, you're going to throw it! It could hit anyone! I could hit Fiona Gruce! Hello! Now, that'd be tempting.
No, don't! You know what you're going to do? Yes, I've decided.
On the count of three Really? Yeah, count to three and then I'll do something.
What are you going to do? I'm going to do we'll see.
One, two, three Wasn't she brilliant?! That was fantastic, well done! Thank you so much, well done! You can got that way, you did so brilliantly.
Ladies and gentleman, thank you very much.
Wasn't she brilliant?! Now Fantastic! Now keep the applause going for your next act of this evening.
He's absolutely hilarious and wonderful.
You'll love him.
It's Jimeoin, ladies and gentleman! Right How's that for a start, was that OK? AUDIENCE: Yes! Very important, your entrance.
You know this, don't you? You're fully aware of this.
You know when you're in a pub and new people arrive in the pub, everybody looks at the new people.
"Who are the new people? "What have the new people got on?" So you know whenever you arrive in the pub, everyone's looking at you.
So you do a good-looking version of yourself.
You do good-looking, looking around, too.
You don't see anything when you're doing good-looking looking around.
Cos that's not looking around, is it? This is looking around.
You know, that guy on the beach, he's gone to get his family ice creams and he's come back to the beach and he can't find his family.
He's in trouble here - it's a hot day, he's got to find his family soon! Do you do that? Do you go, like, two one way and then a correcting one the other way? Some people do the I don't trust them.
You never see busy people with ice creams.
People with things to do.
You never see a foreman on a building site going, "I want all this shit cleaned out.
"Go on, get on with it, boys!" What else is funny? I don't like the way models come out in new clothes - that walk, that over-confident walk that they do.
Then they give you that look as if to say, "You'll never be able to afford these clothes.
" That's just not the way you wear new clothes, is it? I'd love to see a catwalk like the way my wife comes out in a new outfit.
She comes out Do you think that's how Beyonce takes her bins out? Empties the dishwasher Cleans the piss from round the bottom of the toilet.
"Jay Z, there's piss everywhere here!" I'm staying at this hotel at the moment.
It's got revolving doors.
It's not a great entrance, is it, revolving doors? You have to take tiny steps on your arrival.
And they can see you coming, too.
No element of surprise.
"Look at this idiot!" Sometimes your friend gets in with you and it stops - "Oh, you! "Get your own cubicle!" "Oh, come with me now, come with me.
"Stay close, stay close, stay close.
"Oh, they're looking at us now, "they're looking at us, they're looking at us!" "Forget it with this hotel, I'm going to find a new hotel.
" It's just not a great entrance.
My favourite doors to come through, by the way, are saloon doors.
You ever come through saloon doors? You can push them out of the way quite aggressively do good-looking looking around tilt your hat back.
You never see cowboys in Westerns coming through revolving doors.
"There's going to be trouble when I get in here, "going to sort this shit out once and for all.
" Or people getting chucked out through revolving doors - "Come out, you idiot!" I don't like coming through doors in general, I just, you know Have you ever come through a hotel door, and you've got to walk to the reception area and its just a long way away from reception? And the people are looking at you walking through the doors and you've forgotten how to walk cos they're watching you walking.
Don't look at me when I'm walking.
Don't need that pressure.
You're going through an airport and you can see that one-way glass and you're thinking, "There's cops in there behind that, isn't there?" They're looking at me right now.
I should be doing my "I don't have any drugs" face.
Then you start thinking, "What is my 'don't have any drugs' face?" That's all from me, thank you very much! Good night, thank you! Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen! What a funny guy! Imagine how funny I'd be if he was a ventriloquist? So next up is a very funny guy.
Je-sus, he is a funny guy.
He's amazing, he's hilarious, you're going to love him.
Can we give it up for Rob Beckett, ladies and gentleman? Hello! Are we all right? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I'm Rob and I've got massive teeth.
Fully aware of that, so you don't need to tell me.
People think I haven't realised yet and let me know.
They go, "Cor, you've got massive teeth, haven't you?" I go, "Have I? Didn't realise, mate!" No wonder my dentist drives a Merc.
I'm from south-east London.
I'm very working class.
Working class people in? Cos doing this job, you meet a lot of middle-class people.
I did the Royal Albert Hall, the small room, the Elgar room, right, in there with another comedian.
His mum was in there, we're all chatting, and I was like, "Who's this Elgar bloke and why's he got a room? "What's going on?" She went to me, "You don't know who Elgar is? "Your mother would be ashamed!" I'm like, "Ashamed? She don't know either!" I've texted her and she said, "Ask someone.
" Done that and I'm embarrassed.
Thing is, my girlfriend's very middle class as well.
She used to be upper class, but we're together now.
That's how it works.
Dragging her down.
Her family, in their front room they've got four sofas, no telly.
You just look at each other.
I've never been in a front room without a focal point before! It's like a doctor's waiting room! Even they've got a shit telly in the corner.
I'll be honest with you, after an hour of a group crossword, I'll take a measles jab advert.
We're trying to get a flat in south-east London.
Her family's not that keen on her moving here.
It's a bit rough, get a lot of geezers, lads.
They love fighting, they're the kind of lads You've seen these lads on a night out that don't say any actual words to each other.
All night it's just, "Ay-ay, bey-uh! "Ay-ayyy", like that.
I went on a stag do once - 48 hours, no-one said a word.
"Ay-oop, ay!" - it's like a language! It's like Pingu, innit? A whole generation of kids watched too much Pingu, don't know any actual words! "Ay-oop ub-ayyy ay!" My dad's like it.
My dad's a bit of an old-school Pingu lad, my dad.
He's always lived in south-east London, my dad.
Not always, he's not Highlander, just born there.
I like ringing home as well, cos you have mum chat and dad chat.
I rung home the other week, I was going to the Reading festival, to do a gig there.
I spoke to Mum, classic mum chat - "Oh, what you doing there? "What time you home? Who you with? "Da da da da da.
" Told my dad I was going to Reading, he just went, "M25, M4?" They love a route, dads, they love it.
He don't even care what I'm doing there.
"What you doing there?" "I'm murdering prostitutes.
" "As long as you're on time, son, don't care.
"I'll have a convict in our house but no-one who's late, yeah?" And he tries My dad was a lorry driver.
Now he's a taxi driver.
He knows all the roads, I don't know any roads.
I got sat nav, I don't need to know roads.
All I need to know is wherever the blue arrow's going, I'm going with him, yeah? Dead end? Sat nav says, sat nav goes! He tries to give me routes and I have to pretend to know the routes so I can feel like a proper son, like we're bonding.
He'll be like, "Yeah, what you want to do is take the lower road.
" I didn't even know there was a higher road! What is this? It's not Play Your Cards Right, Dad, I'm just trying to get to Reading! He's like "Do a left, do a right, follow it round.
" What, the road? Cheers for that, I was going to stay still on it! He's giving me more directions - "Left, right, left, "bey, bo, ayyy! "Down the slope on your belly, you're in the igloo.
" I was proper fat as a kid.
I'll tell you this, right - I was so fat as a toddler, I couldn't wear socks.
Not even joking.
The elastic in the sock cut off the circulation to my feet.
I had big, purple feet.
Looked like I'd been dipped in Ribena! I had to wear jellies for about four years! The shoes, not dessert - that's not going to help anyone.
Diet or stability-wise.
I remember at school, I was still fat when I was a teenager, I had little glasses like the Milky Bar kid.
I thought I'd use this Milky Bar kid thing to get girls.
"Hello, girls, Milky Bars are on me.
" They go, "No, they're in you, mate, that's the problem.
"Stop eating them, you'll be all right.
" The thing is, I think you want to be grown up too quick.
Cos when you're a kid, you want to be a grown-up but now it'd be quality being a kid.
Even being grounded, that was the worst thing as a kid, that would come in handy now.
If my girlfriend goes, "Oh, we need to go to my friend from work's engagement party.
" "Sorry, love, grounded, nothing I can do.
"You got a problem with it, take it up with Big Suze.
" That's my mum.
My mum's Big Suze.
The reason we call her that is cos She's not fat or nothing but if you borrow money off her, she writes it in a little black book like a loan shark.
Only reason she's here tonight is I owe her 100 quid.
But, as well, the worst thing that can be told When you're little, the worst thing your mum can say to you as a kid if you're being naughty at a birthday party, your mum goes, "You keep being naughty, I'm going to take you home, feed you, "bath you and straight to bed!" You're like, "That is awful.
" Now? Absolute quality! You're going to drive me home, feed me, albeit the bath's a bit weird, but put me to bed? Chuck in a buggy, best night ever! I like being silly.
I can't help it.
It's fun, innit? Me and one of my best mates, Tim, went on holiday.
He's gay, Tim.
He bought a pack of gay playing cards, blokes with their willies out, right? Basically, what I'm trying to say is they're pornographic ones.
Not just gay people doing normal things, The 7 of clubs ain't Gok Wan gardening, do you know what I mean? These are full-on, right? And we got them.
Get some, it's the best prank you can do.
We shared a house with a few housemates and we hid them in everyone's stuff.
It's the best thing you can do cos they keep appearing for ages.
And you can never explain having one gay naked playing card.
If you've got a pack you can have a game.
If you've got one, it's like you're sentimental over him.
So we hid them in everyone's stuff, it was brilliant.
We put one in my mate's coat pocket.
He sold his coat on eBay, got a bit of feedback.
"The coat did arrive on time, just a cock in the pocket.
" Put one in me mate's wallet.
He's in Sainsbury's, "Got a Nectar card?" "No, but I'll flash a penis if that helps.
" Best one, my mate Jack had an umbrella - popped open like that.
We got ten cards, put them all in it - we all worked together.
"Jack, show them how your umbrella pops open.
" Bang! Massive fountain of gay dick everywhere.
You've been lovely, I've been Rob Beckett.
Be lucky, I'll see you soon.
Thank you very much.
Rob Beckett, ladies and gentlemen! What a night it's been at Live At The Apollo.
Well done to everyone.
Yeah, well done.
You've seen Rob Beckett.
Jimeoin! Jimeoin! I've been Nina Conti.
Thanks to all of you! Thank you very much, good night! Thank you!