My Family (2000) s09e06 Episode Script

I can't stop staring at you.
I've noticed.
You're so beautiful.
So you keep saying.
"But to see her was to love her "Love but her "And love forever" Robert Burns.
I just want to throw you onto this table and climb all over you.
Keats? We're supposed to be studying.
The only thing I want to study is you.
They'll do degrees on anything these days.
Hello, Amanda.
Would you like to stay for supper? I think I'll pass.
- In fact, I'd better get going.
- I'll come with you.
Mrs Harper, erm I don't usually question your culinary prowess.
Saying that, it will give me a glossy coat and healthy teeth.
That's for the dog we're gonna get.
- Does Mr Harper know about this? - He will eventually.
Mr Harper can't stand dogs, how will you break it to him? Slowly, I suppose.
I'll just gain his trust, feed him, tickle his tummy.
Oh, you mean the dog? No, I meant Ben.
- You don't have to go.
- I really do.
- I'll walk you home.
- No, I'm fine.
- It's no problem.
- It's becoming one.
Seriously, Amanda, there are psychos out there.
Yeah.
I'll call you.
Amanda, hi! It's Michael.
Hello? Bad connection.
Maybe I should go after her.
Oh, Michael, stop it.
You'll scare her away.
- What are you talking about? - You're obsessed.
- I'm not obsessed.
- Oh, please.
I've had plenty of stalkers and that's the first thing they say.
I'm not a stalker, I'm her boyfriend.
That's the second thing they say.
Trust me, you're a heart beat away from night-vision goggles and a voice distorter.
I haven't got a voice distorter.
Hi, Mikey! Hi, Janey! Mm, me? Ah, another fun-filled day sticking my hands down people's throats.
Can't wait to get up tomorrow to do it all over again.
Is that your girlfriend I saw sprinting down the road? - I should go after her.
- Stalker.
No, Mikey, whoa, whoa.
Play it cool, act like you don't give a damn! I did that and I got your mother.
Run, Mikey, run, run! Run like the wind! (Susan) I can't wait to adopt.
- (Alfie) Are you thinking boy or girl? - Doesn't matter.
It would be nice to have an addition to the family.
Ah! The patter of tiny feet.
I've already started thinking about names.
What do you think of Apollo? Or Cleopatra? Are you sure Mr Harper will be OK with this? Oh, he'll be OK once it stops chewing up the furniture.
I can't wait to teach it little tricks like roll over and beg.
It's a dog! Ah! You're talking about a dog! - What? - It is a dog, isn't it? Cos you used to do that roll over and beg thing with Nick.
Yes, Ben.
I want to get a dog.
Ah! Ha-ha! Thank God for that! - Oh, you're OK with it? - Absolutely not.
Please, Ben, let's get a dog.
Isn't this house crowded enough? It's like the hotel in The Shining.
Except it's never vacant and I don't get to go crazy and kill the family.
I understand your panic, but there's no reason to take it out on our future dog.
Owning a pet takes responsibility.
Remember what happened to the goldfish? - You killed it.
- You told me to clean the tank.
You're supposed to take the fish out first.
- Goldie didn't stand a chance.
- Goldie came up nice and clean.
It's been years since we had a dog.
Remember how much you loved Muffin? Muffin? Muffin? I hated Muffin! If you'd fixed the fence, he wouldn't have run away.
He didn't run away, he escaped.
He's probably sunning himself on a beach in Acapulco.
I don't think it's a good idea getting another dog.
I'm going to let you into a little secret that's kept our marriage alive all these years.
When I ask your opinion about something, has already been made.
What? Every paint colour I've asked you about, every movie we've been to, every new car, pre-determined.
No, no, no.
- I picked the Volvo.
- You wanted a Fiat, I said Volvo.
Bloody hell, it's true! It's just easier that way.
Wait, so, I get no choice? Yes! Your choice is to get a dog.
When we wanted to go on that holiday, and I wanted to go golfing in Scotland and you said museums in Venice.
- I said Scotland would be fine.
- Right! Exactly! And then you said all the hotels in Scotland were booked, and we ended up in Venice.
Come on, Ben.
All the hotels in Scotland? OK, next time, we go to Scotland.
Thank God! Scotland will be fun! I thought you were going to say somewhere like the South of France.
All right, South of France it is then.
Whatever you say, dear.
Hang on a minute.
See how easy it is? Hey.
You OK? No.
Amanda just dumped me.
Wow.
I did not see that coming.
She said I was too clingy and she needed some space.
I did warn you.
You only warned me about being obsessive, not clingy.
Look, maybe Amanda just needs some time to think about things.
And being away from you might make her realise that she misses you.
And wants you back.
- You really think so? - No, I'm just being supportive.
I feel better already.
Why so glum, chum? Amanda just gave him the chop.
Maybe not forever.
I'm sorry.
I know what it feels like to have your heart broken.
Did I tell you about Claire? She was a pig.
Alfie, that's a horrible thing to say.
No, she was a real pig.
But the story still applies.
Anyway.
Claire was my favourite.
Every time I returned from school, there was Claire waiting for me at the front gate.
Until one day, she wasn't there.
I really had to force that ham sandwich down.
Chin up! Oh, Ben! I want him! Susan, you've said that about every dog you've seen! Oh, Ben, look! Isn't he cute? Cute? Good God, he's enormous! He looks like he's been exposed to radiation.
He's adorable! Look at all this information.
You can tell by what breeding, by temperament, by what exercise they need I wish I could've picked our kids this way! - Ben, he just licked my hand! - Think where his tongue was last.
Sorry, Susan, we'll have to have a smaller one.
We're gonna have to pick up after them and this one looks like a definite two-bagger.
Ah, Ben! That's the one! I want him! - What's his name? - Nope, he doesn't have a name.
He only came in yesterday.
They found him wandering the streets.
- Like a lost soul.
- Or like a lost dog.
Who's a lovely dog? You are.
Yes, Mummy loves you, Mummy loves you.
Give Mummy a kiss! You're scaring the dog, you're scaring me and you're scaring everyone else.
Oh, Ben.
Can we have him, please, please? You're asking me like I have a choice? Sorry, habit.
- Having any luck? - Oh, yes, we want him.
- Oh, he is cute! - Yes, he is! Yes you are, you're so cute! Yes you are! Mummy loves you! Yes, she does! Yes, she does! - I'm so sorry.
- No, don't worry, it often happens.
If you'll open the cage, we'll take him off your hands.
We do prefer the word "kennel" to "cage".
Of course.
I'm just anxious to get him home.
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
You'll have to fill out paperwork and we'll visit your home to see if it's suitable.
We can fill out the paperwork now.
As for our home, I can assure you it's more than suitable.
All the same, rules are rules.
But, aren't some rules less important than other rules? No.
I understand.
- Can I just say goodbye? - Make it quick, I'm getting hungry.
Goodbye, you cute little dog.
Mummy will see you very soon! Yes, she will, I promise! On second thoughts, there's no rush, I've just lost my appetite.
(Susan) Give us a kiss.
Janey, take these dog toys and spread them around the room.
Does Dad know you've bought all this stuff? Take these toys and spread them around the room.
Oh, I would've killed for toys like this when I was a kid.
Here, pretend to read this book on dog care.
- What? - Just do it! The lady from the dog home will be here and I want everything to be perfect.
That's why I scheduled the visit for when your father was at work.
Mikey, put this on.
What's wrong with Michael? Amanda dumped him.
Oh! That's terrible! Mikey, the way we deal with sadness is we put on a smile, or we go and wallow upstairs! Alfie, put that on.
(Doorbell) That's her, that's her! Now remember, we all love dogs.
And we smile a lot.
- Mrs Philbin.
- Oh, hello.
- Won't you come in? - Certainly.
Thank you.
Good golly! This is Janey, my daughter.
And this is Alfie, who is just here.
Hello.
So nice to meet you.
I've been reading about my favourite subject.
Dogs! I love dogs! Ben's at work, he's a dentist.
He makes lots of money.
More than enough to keep a dog in bones.
(Fake laughter) This is such a happy home.
Yes.
Yes, I can see that.
Mrs Harper, when you and your husband are at work all day, who looks after the dog? Oh, well, erm Call off the search, I am fully qualified.
Oh, good.
Now, I would like to ask you (Farting sound) I'm so sorry.
Are there any other dogs in the house? No, this is all for the new dog.
I see.
Is there something wrong? I mean, I can buy other toys.
Have you seen the squeaky steak? (Growls) (Susan) Janey, Janey.
Janey, that's enough, enough! You can't mollycoddle a dog, you know.
But surely there's nothing wrong with a bit of pampering.
This is the sort of attitude that convinces me that this is not a suitable environment for any of my dogs.
If you pamper a dog, it can have disastrous effects on its temperament.
So can being locked up in a cage.
I told you we prefer the word kennel.
You say potato, I say dog Gulag.
- I think this interview is over.
- No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please, Mrs Philbin, I was just anxious to get the dog.
Oh, Mrs Philbin, you seemed to have dropped something.
Here.
A L50 note.
(Laughs) Nice try.
It's not mine.
- I may have dropped it.
- I think it's mine.
- Mrs Philbin, please, Mrs Philbin.
- Give it up, Mrs Harper.
You can't buy a dog's affection and you most certainly can't buy mine.
But, Mrs Philbin Oh, Mum! Are you going to stay there all night? I miss our dog.
How can you miss our dog? You've never even had him.
How could she think a cage was a better home than living here? Yeah! No, no, this is better.
- Who is she to judge me? - It was probably for the best.
Dogs don't really like me.
It's not just dogs, Ben.
- Just get another dog.
- I don't want another dog.
We could teach Alfie to fetch.
Who is she to judge me?! Calling me an unfit mother, how dare she? - Mother? - What? - Mother? You said unfit mother.
- I meant, I meant owner.
(Laughs) I see.
This is what it's all about, is it? Look, just because you're unfit to own a dog, doesn't mean you're unfit to be a mother.
That's weird.
It sounded like a compliment, but, actually, it wasn't.
No, it was, it was a compliment.
You are a wonderful mother.
A wonderful mother.
I don't mind admitting it, but our kids aren't half bad.
True.
And the bad half is all your fault.
I was going to blame society, but that's fine.
You are a very fit mother.
You listening to me? (Huskily) Very fit.
Maybe I should have you neutered.
Hm! Who cares what a power-drunk harpy thinks of us? I care.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, let's go to bed.
Oh, Ben, can I stay here a little longer? You can stay there as long as you want.
Mm-mm-mm-mwah! Thank you, Ben.
You've been very sweet about this.
I don't want you drinking out the toilet! Stay! Morning.
Eggs? Mm, yes, please.
- Susan, is there something wrong? - You said you wanted eggs.
Yes, but I like mine a little less runny.
Why don't you come out and say it, Ben? I'm an unfit cook.
It's fine.
The eggs are fine, absolutely fine.
The eggs are fine.
- You know what will go with these eggs? - A straw.
Anyone like some coffee? It's basically cold water with coffee granules floating on top.
I'll skip the coffee, thanks.
I'll have a top-up.
This is weird, Dad.
You seem to be the happiest one in here.
Your mother's taking this dog rejection thing a little seriously.
And as for Michael, I think he's Is he de Is he awake? My heart hurts.
My heart feels like it's trampled by a herd of elephants.
My heart feels like it's been ripped out and put in a blender.
- My heart - Oh, please! Enough of the hearts.
I said to that poor little dog he'd come home with us, I promised him.
Now, because of some idiot woman throwing her weight around, I'll never see him again.
Well, I'm off to work so chin up everybody! Chin up, Mikey! Whatever.
Ah, Roger! Just in time for eggs and coffee.
- Is it instant? - Hah, very instant.
- I'll have those eggs in a sec, Rog.
- Yum.
I er I heard about Amanda.
Listen, Michael, er I've had a relationship that didn't work out.
But, er things do get better eventually.
So, I'll get over it? Oh, no, no.
You never get over it.
You just learn to live with the pain.
And now I I love the pain almost as much as I love her.
Hold me.
Erm, Mrs Philbin? Hello.
I don't know if you remember me? - Oh, yes, the crazy lady's husband.
- That's it.
Thank you, that's lovely.
We usually refer to it the other way round.
Y-Y-You can call me Ben.
I just stopped by to see if you might reconsider our application? I think you may have got the wrong impression about Susan.
Well, I think that she is prickly, manipulative and unstable.
Yeah, yeah, I'll give you those.
Yeah.
What you don't realise about Susan is that she's got a huge heart.
Well, I I know she may appear tightly wound but deep down she really cares.
I mean, Susan is a stable, sane and responsible woman and her only crime is that she loves too much.
Isn't that the point? Finding these dogs a loving home? Dogs don't just need love.
They need discipline.
I can assure you, she's a real ball-breaker.
In-In-In a good way.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm talking to you man-to-man here.
If you don't let her adopt this dog, she's gonna get me to adopt a child.
A child! I can't do that.
I mean, I'm not Madonna.
Fine, fine! - You can have the dog.
- That's wonderful! I thank you, Susan thanks you.
And an innocent third-world child thanks you.
Oh-ho! Hello, doggie! Hey! Hi, poochie! Hello, Susan! Woof, woof.
What the hell are you doing in there? Protesting the injustices and degradations that are occurring at this dog prison.
- These kennels are for animals.
- They're not fit for animals! They're cold, depressing, horribly decorated.
I'm surprised the dogs haven't rioted.
- Susan, you do not have to do this.
- Yes, I do.
I owe it to our dog that could've been.
I've informed the media of my protest.
Susan, I have just told Mrs Philbin that you are a sane, stable and responsible woman, and she said she would let you have the dog.
Really? No.
(Knock on door) Mike? We're worried about you.
Just open the door.
Michael? Why don't you and me assess the situation and put the world to rights over a beverage? (Mouths) Michael? It's me.
Roger.
Now, whatever you do, don't tie your bed sheets together to fashion a makeshift rope that you can hang yourself with.
Sorry.
Tomorrow is another day.
The forecast is for heavy showers What the hell is wrong with you? Listen, Mike, I know things seem bad right now, but believe me, they will get better.
If you want, I can call one of my ex-stalkers, they'll tell you.
I've been through a few breakups and I'm not mentally scarred.
I'm mentally scar Look, Mike.
If you don't open this door, we're going to break it down.
I'm serious! OK.
Break it down, boys.
It's a pretty thick door.
I've got a dodgy shoulder.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Huh! Ow! Wait, I can help.
Really? Yeah, you should start further back there.
Sane.
Stable.
And responsible.
I actually used those words.
I am not leaving without my dog.
If you don't leave, they'll lock you in a real prison.
If you really wanted to help, you'd lock yourself in the kennel too.
- Are you kidding? - You used to care about issues.
Remember the wheelie bin protest, when you chained yourself naked to the town hall railings? I have a confession to make, Susan.
That wasn't a protest, that was a stag night prank that went wrong.
Calm down, will you?! What are you doing with handcuffs? They're for a special occasion.
And you came up with this? (Mobile rings) It's Janey.
Hello, darling.
Oh, no.
Michael's depressed, he's locked himself in his room.
Like mother, like son.
Make sure he doesn't do anything drastic.
He's locked in his bedroom, what's he supposed to do? Make his bed? He's refusing to come out.
Janey tried to break the door down.
- Give me the phone.
- Speak to your father for a minute.
Yeah.
Janey! Janey, listen! No, calm down and listen to me! What did you do to the door? Good, it's just a scratch.
Glad you came to your senses.
What are you doing? Someone needs to fight our cause.
I'll be with you in a minute.
I'll see if Mikey's OK and you stay here and look mad.
- Ben! Michael needs his mother.
- Yeah, I need Susan, don't go! Susan! Susan, I need the key! Susan! - Mrs Harper? - Mrs? The press distorting the truth already.
Mr Harper.
- Are we ready? - Go.
Sir, why have you locked yourself inside a kennel? Because I'm married.
I understand you're protesting against dog adoption procedures.
That's right.
I'm here because these creatures are being caged like animals.
Yes, OK, they are animals, that's a moot point but When a post-menopausal woman wants to lavish her affections on some dumb animal, who's to say she's wrong? I'll stay here until this kennel changes its stupid policies, or the post-menopausal woman (Loudly) returns with the key! That's why you've chained yourself in this kennel with a Rottweiler? Yes! And I'm going to OK, boy.
Nice doggie, nice doggie.
Ooh, who's a good boy? Ooh, that's a lot of teeth you've got there.
Go away, boy.
Boy! Down! Get down! (Barking and crashing) Are you getting this? (Knocking) - (Susan) Mikey, it's Mummy.
- Go away! Wouldn't you rather talk about it? Mikey, please open the door.
No! That door was locked.
I can pick the lock of every door in this house.
It's a mother's gift.
Budge up.
Mikey, darling.
I know how much Amanda meant to you and that you're hurt.
And right now you're thinking you'll never find anyone else.
Right now I'm thinking I need to get a better lock.
You will find someone else, believe me.
I speak from experience.
I had this boyfriend once who I was so in love with.
And then And then he dumped me.
But then I met your father.
- So Dad's a rebound guy? - Yeah.
Explains a lot, doesn't it? My point is, forget Amanda and you'll find someone else.
It may take a lifetime or (Mobile rings) Veronica, hi! Or no time at all.
Yeah, we broke up.
Yeah, I dumped her.
Too clingy.
Saturday night.
Sounds great.
See you there.
Bye.
See? Wow.
Maybe it's true, maybe Veronica is my rebound girl.
Yeah.
Maybe you'll follow in my footsteps.
Make a hasty decision, get married and start a family.
Or maybe I'll just mess around with her.
You're a smart boy, Mikey.
Out of anybody in this house, you're the most stable and level-headed.
Yeah.
Or maybe I get that from you.
Yeah, there's Mummy! Oh my God! Oh my God! You found my dog! Oh, hello, darling! Mummy loves you.
Mummy loves you.
Or maybe not.
Ben, how did you get out the handcuffs? It's amazing what the body is capable of when a Rottweiler is attached to your goolies.
What do you think we should call him? How about Monty? - No, I like the name Winston.
- Oh, Winston's a nice name.
Here.
Come on, Monty! Susan, do you have the key, please? Susan, could I have the key? Hello! Susan!