Shameless s09e06 Episode Script

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
So, you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high.
Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots! Now you've got your Con-Dem Nation.
Liberals noshing Tories, like altar boys picking dimps up! Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what? Is revolution a word, or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water! I wandered lonely as a clown Necking mushrooms rarely found This green and pleasant land In ancient times Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party! 'I never got that whole Robin Hood thing, me.
'I mean, for a start he used to hang about in the woods with a monk, 'plus he wore tights.
'Now don't get me wrong, I'm down with robbing the rich, 'but giving to the poor? Fuck that! 'Finders keepers.
' Justine! Get out of there now, you fucking slut! 'You never hear the word "poor" any more, do you? 'We've been re-branded.
Now we're "underprivileged.
" 'I think I prefer "benefit scum.
" 'It's less patronising.
'If Robin Hood were around today, I wouldn't take owt off him, anyway.
'I've always taken care of meself, thanks.
'We all get dealt a bad hand now and again.
'But the mark of a man is to pick himself up and move on.
'You know what they say 'If life hands you lemons ' Bollocks! What's this? What's it look like? It's your tab.
So I've built up a couple of weeks on tick.
Just, you know I'm good for it.
Are you? Look, Shane, I know how it is, OK? And if things are tight, I could always find a few bits for you to do round here until Yeah.
You'd love that, you, wouldn't you? Go on.
What've you got in mind, ferreting tumble-pubes out the urinal? I'll even throw in a pair of marigolds.
Thanks I'm not a charity case! Fine.
We'll stop treating you like one, then.
Pay your tab or get on the wagon.
Sorry.
Lads night in, me and Carl.
Yeah? I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
Don't know how that got there.
Aye! Dirty bastard.
Human Centipede, supposed to be well funny.
Yeah, about that.
I can't make it, sorry.
Clem put her foot down, has she? Mate, come with us if you like.
We're not doin' owt, just having a drink by the canal.
Nah, no thanks wouldn't want to be a sixth wheel.
That's funny.
See ya later.
So, how's tall, black and jobless? Nothing about, work-wise.
All the fight's gone out of him, he seems resigned to curling up and licking his wounds.
I used to be able to do that.
Before me back.
Seriously, Gloria, what is that smell? What smell? It smells like sex.
There's a naked man climbing out from your laundry basket! Dominic.
Do we need to see that first thing? I'm trying to earn me keep.
Out! Ladies.
Dominic! Who was that? Me brother.
The priest?! What is it with priests and big nobs? It's not funny! Catherine.
Now then, Dom.
Didn't know you was back? Where's the dog collar? Dry cleaners.
Can I have a pint, please and, a couple of chasers? You haven't lost the faith? You've not gone Protestant, have you?! No, no, I'm just having a break, that's all.
How'd you wangle that? Won a draw, names in a mitre.
How comes you not been in to see us, then? What you been doing? Just keeping busy.
No, this is better than money, I'm telling you.
It's a two-man operation, like.
I'd help meself, but How many cigarettes are we talking, here? Enough.
Delivery guy always stops at this one particular store, then goes in for a bit of extra-marital with one of the late shift.
Leaves his van just sitting there, half stocked.
Two-man job, yeah? Maybe ask one of your brothers? I have got other mates, thank you.
Course you have.
So, are we squits, then? Yeah.
We squits.
Enjoying your tap water? Champion.
Fuck 'em! Cock! Shake-and-vac! Don't afford what you can't touch.
Kelly.
What?! You fucking wish! Do you reckon he had somebody at the house with him? Well, he claims he can't remember, but there was someone, I'll tell you that.
Cos I just spent the afternoon wire-brushing the dry remnants of her off me fucking sofa cushions.
Are priests allowed to do that? He's a dogma unto himself, that one.
And besides, he's on "extended sabbatical.
" Why? He won a draw.
Yeah, and the second prize was a Popemobile.
Right.
"Popemobile"! Because it's stealing.
Because it's against the law! The law? And the fucking law's done us a lot of favours recently, hasn't it, Jackson? Right, right.
So this is all about revenge, is it? Sticking it to the man? Look, if it makes you feel better, for me it's about the money.
A lot of money, actually.
Each.
A 60-40 split.
I don't care how much it is, I'm not risking me whole Hang on, what do you mean, "60-40"? Well, it's my gig, innit? I'm providing the transport.
Hey, I'm doing anything, then it's 50-50 or nothing.
Does this mean you're in? Easy, you say? Fish in a barrel.
You are sure? Never been surer.
Is that Ches? Thought you said he wasn't coming.
Who's that with him? Looks like Lise Call her Toploader.
Toploader? Yeah.
All right? This is Clem Lise.
How's it going? And you know Carl Yeah, we've met.
Right, I'll get on the bevs.
Hey you're in a wheelchair.
So I am Good for you.
Them are some big tits.
Thanks! Jesus Christ, get you a fucking bell or something.
Well? Well, I was thinking more of an inner city, council-run nursin' home meself, but if you think they'll have you For Stella! Her birthday.
Tomorrow! I know it's her birthday tomorrow.
Think I don't know me own daughter's birthday? That's tomorrow! Her birthday was two months ago you IOU'd her a special day out.
I'm a bit strapped.
It's free admission.
I also can't be bothered.
No, no, if you think having a stroke's gonna guilt-trip me It's muscle fatigue, comes and goes.
I'll barely be able to move by the morning, probably going to need help getting on and off the toilet Fine! I'll go.
Are you gonna tell them or what? Yeah I'm moving in with Clem.
Way to sound enthusiastic Carl, cheers.
It's a bit sudden, innit? Sorry, don't you mean "congratulations"? Yeah.
'Course.
Congratulations, mate.
Cheers.
So I'll see you at 10:30 in the morning, for highlights and a blow-dry.
All right, bye love.
Nice Who's it from? Could be anyone, couldn't it, but if I had to guess I'd say it's the sober half of whoever you were up to your balls in last night.
Aren't you worried he knows where you're living sorry, sponging? He won't follow through.
People don't commit to anything these days.
I hope not.
It'll be hard for me to coax punters through the door with your bollocks nailed to the outside of it.
Something you said then You got me thinking.
What did? "Bollocks" or "nailed"? Yes Brilliant.
Who'd you shag? Cinderella? Shall we take it round pubs "Whomsoever this bra fits" I'm game.
Right.
Here we go.
You done this kind of thing a lot? I like to think I'm an old pro, yeah.
Ever got caught? Wonderful Right, let him get in there, give 'em a couple of minutes, let 'em start getting their jiggy on In case of cameras.
What makes you think there'd be Did you bring me one? No.
Why not? I figured you'd bring your own.
Old pro an' all.
(Come on, you fuckin' idiot ) Right Off you go.
You what? One of us has got to stay up here, right? Throw us as much as you can, and I'll help you back up.
Why don't you go down there and Bagsie up here! Sorry law of the playground.
It's not fucking Belmarsh! Fuck's sake.
Get over.
Get over! I'm trying My mask! For fuck's sake Oi! I thought you only said you had one pair.
Think I'm letting you stick your face in my wife's tights? Whatever, Jackson, just get on with it! He's probably mentally counting off the England '96 squad by now.
It's locked.
It opens upwards! You've a lot to say for a spectator! What are you doing?! Having a look.
Who's going to get us back up there now? - Y'all right? - Yeah.
Look, mate, you can do better.
Say that again? Fuck's sake, Carl, she's What? You know I mean, can she even? Yeah, she can.
And a fuck lot better than Toploader too.
You and Lise?! Me and a lot of birds and none of them, not one even come close.
You need to start opening your eyes seriously, man.
The way she talks all the time, big "I am" Anybody can go to university, you know.
They probably only took her cos she's Fuck you.
Fuck off.
What? We're going.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye.
Fuck! OK (Calm down ) Right.
We'll take the whole thing, we'll ride it out the front like Butch Cassidy.
How did we go from nicking fags to grand theft auto? It's called improvising, Jackson! Stand back.
Shit! Sorry That's my arse! Dickhead, I said stand back! Oi! Derek! Fish in a barrel?! Shit Shane! Shane! Hello! What's all this then? It's, contributions for the farm.
I thought it was free.
Yeah go on, off you go, chicken.
I think we're done here, Princess.
Just remember if the old bag asks Come on Wasn't my fault.
Never work with amateurs.
That your dinner is it? Since you blew our pay day, as a matter of fact it is Jackson, yeah.
I grabbed it when you knocked all the shit over.
That was you! They're out of date.
Sell-by's are bollocks.
You can always add a week on.
Besides, it's fuckin' free, what d'you want? Cost two quid in the shops, them.
Lise I've been thinking.
We're getting on all right, aren't we? Yeah.
So what do you reckon we just go for it? Why don't you move in with me? Well I'll have to ask Ryan.
Who's Ryan? He's sort of my boyfriend But I'll definitely think about it.
All right? Hiya, you.
So What we gonna do about it, then? He's your best mate, I'm a wheelie.
I'm not good enough for him, right? Don't talk shite.
Well, tomorrow, me and you are going on a picnic, we'll take it from there.
You don't mind me going on a date with your boyfriend, do you? I didn't even know you knew Ryan.
Yeah.
If you like.
I'm probably moving in with Ches anyway.
Right See you tomorrow.
I don't get it.
Why risk our arses nicking stuff they're going to be keeping an eye on? Take stuff past its sell-by, sell it on money for nothing.
So you want us to (to steal garbage?) Yes! And do what with it? Flog it off street corners? Jackson, look at me.
Do I look like a fuckin' fruit and veg man? A little, yeah.
But you're missing the bigger picture.
I'm talking take in bulk, sell in bulk.
Schools, kitchens anywhere that's after cutting corners and saving pennies.
There's profit in their rubbish.
It's original, I'll give you that.
Jog any memories? Didn't wear matching underwear, so a classy bird as usual She wasn't blonde after all.
She was a redhead.
Good! We're narrowing it down then.
Open this door, you fuckin' twat! What are you doing, he'll beat the crap out of you! Shut up! Do you want me to torch your fuckin' place?! Do you think he wants these back? Open the fuckin' door! You twat! You're fuckin' dead.
I'm fuckin' coming for you, I'm telling you! I think he's gone.
It's OK, stay there.
Ssh, it's OK Don't It's all right, he's gone.
See? I told you it'd be OK, didn't I? You could give us a hand? I do love you, Glores, but manual labour? Jesus was a carpenter! Yeah Look where it got him.
Dom? This is stupid.
You're a very negative person, Ches.
A nice picnic is just what we need to get to know each other.
So, apart from the fact he's going out with me, I hear you're fucked off with our Carl for not joining you on the reccie drugs any more? Yeah, well what do you expect? Now that he's all, "uphold the law," "serve the public trust.
" Sickening, isn't it? So regular or decaf? Was I here a few nights ago? I wasn't on.
Do you get any redheads in? Well, just Ginger Pete.
Unless he's a 32C, he's probably not who I'm after.
Pint? Real leather? What? LEATHER! Kelly! What the fuck? She called me a fucking lesbian! You're barred.
You are barred.
Eight.
What? Don't think girls can rate other girls' arses? No.
That's weird.
Now THAT'S an eight.
Five.
Nah, three.
Seven.
Six.
Nine! So? No way! I won't tell Carl.
I am not rating a guy's arse.
Four.
Fuck off! He's barely a three! Fuck! Fucking hell! Two years and I ended it with him.
Why? I caught him.
Cheating? Not exactly.
You and Carl have got no chance, he's practically in training for the Olympics.
Yeah, it wasn't so much the deed itself, more the visual aid.
"Pedigree Pets.
" What dog was German Shepherd.
Fucking hell! They're not even that fit.
There! You know what? I remember.
She was black.
It's not funny any more, Dominic.
I laid awake last night worrying that nutter was coming back.
And you have done nothing to try and find out who it was you were actually with.
I've narrowed it down.
I've already crossed off Ginger Pete.
What is wrong with you? Does nothing ever bother you? You flit about like there's never going to be any consequences, like it's all just going to work out It usually does.
No it doesn't! You just wind up back here and muggins has to drag you out of the fire.
So maybe you should stop.
This is my home, Dominic.
And I'm tired of taking the punches cos you won't.
All right.
I'm sorry, Sis.
Listen, about the plan, we have to make sure Way ahead of you.
What's this? This stuff's going to be a lot bigger than cigarettes.
OK, here's what we do.
In and out, ten minutes tops.
That's the roof, there.
Those are the cages.
Head over to them, fill your bags with as much as you can, bring 'em back here.
Then I'll pull them up, unload them here and pass the bags back down again.
Easy.
You drew this? Yeah.
And, that's me, is it, there? Yeah.
Why am I so small? It's not to scale, Shane.
But that's you, is it? Up there, taking it easy whilst I run around like a little pack-mule? I came up with the plan.
The plan? You drew a fucking picture.
That suddenly make you brains of the operation now? Yeah.
That's right.
I am.
Very mature.
Admit it.
You had fun.
Well, I did.
We should do it again some time.
Maybe invite Carl? He doesn't get to mess about much any more.
Well, he gets everything else.
It wouldn't have mattered who he was moving in with, would it? You just don't like the idea of him getting on with his life.
What're you on about? Jesus, what was the point of any of this? What do I have to do? I am not going to be one of those girls that comes between mates.
So do you wanna shag me, or what? Will that do it even things up a bit? What d'you mean? I'll give you a hand job right now.
If that's what it takes.
Frank, what you doing? What you doing? What's that? An Albanian snow leopard.
It's a terrapin.
Why bother asking, then? Whatever it is, he's dying.
It's not a tortoise, it needs water.
There you go, Terry.
Terry? It's his name.
So how did your great experiment go? Manage to win him over? She has her moments.
Anything you can't do? Water-skiing.
But I'll get there.
By the way, offered him a no-strings shag and he said no, loyal mate this one.
Naw, he just couldn't get it up, could he? Fuck off! Hug it out! Yeah, that's probably not gonna happen is it?! So you really offered him a shag? Yep.
And he really said no? Go.
And remember the deal, two loads and then we swap.
Get down here.
Pulling a plastic bag over barbed wire, fucking genius, well done, mate And this is your plan, is it? You're the brains now, are you? And the brawn.
That's debatable.
Yeah? You wanna have a fucking go, do yer? Maybe I do, yeah.
Come on, then! It's not what it looks like.
Brilliant.
That should fool him You think you can do better.
Yeah, I could.
Be my fuckin' guest.
How much, mate? To turn a blind eye? Twenty quid? You do know that stuff's out of date? And you want to pay me to let you nick out-of-date food? Apparently.
Fuck it.
Make it 25 and I'll help you load it up myself.
Done! You're off, then, are you? New life moving in with your little sympathyvote girlfriend? Watch your mouth.
Fair do's.
Don't forget Father's Day.
That's it? It would appear so.
You really are a cunt, you know that? I practise, the luckier I get.
If you're looking to cash-in your inheritance, I've invested it on your behalf.
I'm just glad to kick the dust of this shit-hole off my shoes.
We're glad to see the back of you.
I'm ashamed of you, you know that always have been.
You're the one ride I always wished I'd worn a Johnny for.
Two, for safety.
I really fucking hate you.
I know.
Likewise.
You cunt.
You ball-bag.
Mondays and Thursdays before the staff get in.
Two schools, two shelters, and three old farts' homes.
You know what we've got here, don't you? What? A fucking business.
What you doing?! Terry?! What in God's name is wrong with you now? Where is he? What have you done? Terry? Who's Terry? He's my fucking terrapin, who else would he be? What? Where is he?! What have you done? Terry! Where is he? You've killed him! We were the same, him and me.
All alone in the world, dumped in the gutter, loved ones gone forever.
Admittedly, in his case, cos I'd stood on them all but There he is! Hey! He went home! He wet his head and crawled home.
What did I tell you? He's just like me.
Rent's on Friday, keep the noise down and if you ever bring any women back make sure she's got a friend for me, yeah? Good news! Yeah? I talked to Ryan.
We're through.
So, I'm moving in.
Be nice living in a shop Can I have this? Yeah.
I'll bring my stuff round later this afternoon, yeah? Wanna make it official? It's gonna be nice walking in there, money for the kitty, not feeling like such a loser.
Last few weeks been hard, haven't felt like a man, me and her have hardly even fu Woah, woah, woah, woah! What the fuck are you doing? Caring and sharing? We're business partners.
This is not a fucking self-help group.
Plus I still owe you a slap.
Now piss off.
Jackson? Give her one from me though? You are the brawn after all.
Yeah, and the brains.
So what does that make you? The good-looking one? Ches? Chesney? Yesss! Ches? Karen'll go mental.
You know the rules nothing with four legs unless it's got a blind person attached to it.
Perhaps you'd think about staying somewhere else just for a bit? I think witness relocation's a bit strong, don't you? Look, I've done nothing wrong, well, legally.
Look, I'll just Don't say it'll work out, please, Dominic.
Fella's been asking after you last couple of days Let us know when he's in again, yeah? He's in now.
It's all right, I'll just, I'll have a nice word, you know, straighten it out.
Do you really ever? I remember now, there was two of them.
And the black girl, she had red hair, which I thought was pretty strange when you come to think about it.
This'll be that consequence you've been banging on about? I guess that's what it is.
I want a fucking word with you.
Gentlemen, please.
Don't.
He fucked their wives both of them at once.
Isn't he a priest? For what it's worth, they're lovely girls.
Get up! What the fuck is that thing?! His name is Terry.
There, that'll do.
Cheers.
You're welcome.
Wake up call? I need a drink.
Now! Why don't you let me get you one? OK.
Glores, sub us a tenner, yeah? Mum? Mum?! If you're gonna borrow my tights at least Actually that was me.
God, I don't want to know Just give me some money and I'm out for the day.
Kitchen.
We're going out too.
I'm buying you dinner.
'Flush are we?' Now, please, can I have a pint? Of course.
Come on, you know I'm good for it.
'I don't know.
'Maybe Robin Hood kind of had the right idea, 'just didn't have very good business sense, that's all.
'Cos the thing about the poor is, they'll always find money 'if they need it, for the necessities and that.
'You see that's why you never see a sober homeless.
'Steal from the rich, sell to the rich and let them mark it up 'for the poor.
Now that should have been his thing, the daft twat.
'You see I've always liked being at rock bottom.
'Then any little victory you can muster tastes so much sweeter.
'One little gamble and suddenly everything is coming up roses.
' I think you're bored, Karen.
I reckon I could have that girl flat on her back any time I like.
I think you've made a mistake.
The drink is taking its toll.
And the drugs.
And you know you have to be careful.
He bet he could get you into bed and if he does he wins me.
You've saved someone's life today, you know.
You saved one life.
But you're not suddenly a superhero.
You can't save everybody.
I am going to fuck you rather spectacularly, Dom.
OK.
Next I'm so sorry.
Nice set though.