Will and Grace s09e06 Episode Script
Rosario's Quinceanera
1 Sorry I'm late, but I got here as soon as I wanted to.
Karen, now that I'm working here, I think we need to have a little chat about getting here on time.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, I spent half the morning trying to track down Rosario.
I don't know where she went.
She never takes a day off unless it's Christmas or "maids eat free" day at Applebee's.
Can't you just phone the vet and have them track her chip? Not if she's outside the perimeter.
- I was kidding.
- Maybe she's tired.
When was the last time she had a vacation? She just took a vacation.
She went to the wine country.
You made her pick grapes.
Oops.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Here she is.
Okay, Rosie, you've got some nerve, not showing up for work.
You better be in the hospital.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
That's a good excuse.
She's in the hospital.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
It was a heart attack.
Looks like she'll pull through it.
Jack's in with her now.
Ugh, what a relief.
You wanna know what's a little weird? My chest is feeling tight.
I'm feeling pain in my right arm.
If you were having a heart attack, you'd feel pain in your left arm.
Ow! [GASPS.]
Maybe don't make this about you.
You really want those to be the last words you ever say to me? - What - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, cool, we got the place.
- What are you talking about? I took over the lease of the office next to you.
- We just doubled our space.
- You signed a lease? Yeah, hey, want to go down to the cafeteria and sneak frozen yogurt out in pill cups? That's a little surprising to me.
That is? I've seen you eat an entire rotisserie chicken standing in the check-out line.
No, that you signed a lease without talking to me.
Why? We agreed we needed more space, and I had to move fast.
He'll figure it out.
Oh, it's after 10:00.
It's after 10:00.
[PANTING.]
It's after 10:00.
Can someone please give Rosario her jello? All she had to do was hold out until 10:00 for her jello! Please give Rosario her jello! [PANTING.]
Oh, thank you.
She said I could have her jello.
Why do I feel like you're not happy about this? Because I'm not.
You really should have asked me before signing anything.
Asked you? I'm the business half.
Will, we're in the hospital for Rosario.
We are not doing this now.
You really should have asked.
Look what I got for Rosie.
"It's a girl"? They were out of "It's a maid.
" It's the thoughtlessness that counts.
I do hope the poor dear is okay.
Who asked you, Riverdance? Put these in water.
She's just a little worried.
There's nothing to worry about.
Interesting fact: Rosario and I were once husband and wife.
I loved her as much as a gay man forced to marry a woman to get a green card could.
You know what? I've already decided, when we get out of here, I'm gonna throw her a quinceañera.
You know, she never had one.
Don't they do that at 15? Or are you counting in maid years? I think in her culture, they wait until after menopause, to mark the moment a woman becomes a man.
Mrs.
Walker, can I speak to you for a moment? No, I'm good.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Oh, no.
There were some unexpected complications, and I'm very sorry to tell you that Rosario is gone.
Gone? Where'd she go this time? Underground maids' fight club that I don't know about? Karen, I don't think you understand I understand, Grace.
Wow, look at this.
It's a really lovely chapel.
Maybe you could lease it and not tell me about it.
Okay, we need to talk.
This is Rosario's funeral.
It's so petty to bring it up.
- But you're wrong and I'm not.
- Hey How are you doing? Do you need anything? Why does everyone keep asking me that? I have been on my own since I was nine months old.
I breastfed myself.
I need nothing.
It's just something people say.
- [SIGHS.]
- I think it's great you still threw Rosie a quinceañera.
Well, her mother was a monster.
She never gave her one.
[SCOFFS.]
Can you imagine anyone being that mean? Jack, what the hell are you doing? I said I wanted the photo of Rosie from the Christmas party.
Sorry, I thought this one screamed Ro-ho-ho! What? No.
That's Rosie at the Easter egg hunt.
That's Rosie at Burning Man! That's better.
She loved that picture.
It makes a world of difference, doesn't it? She has been beating the crap out of me for two straight days.
I don't know how to be around her.
I'm more confused than Britney on stage in Vegas.
So is this Karen sad? Well, I guess it makes sense.
You know, grieving comes in stages.
She was in anger and now she's probably moving on Jack, where the hell are those books of magic spells? Crap, I forgot to put out the Bibles.
Hello, Mother.
Lorraine Finster.
You have got to be out of your mind, showing your faces here.
Well, I heard as soon as I came.
Oh, I remember you two.
Hello, Bill, hello, Patty.
I wouldn't dream of not being here.
I mean, you married my father.
I slept with your husband.
That makes us family.
So sorry for our loss.
What do you want, Lorraine? You're not getting anywhere near Stanley, you're not stealing the jewelry off of Rosario, and we are not having a threeway again.
Do you know how humiliating it was for me to have to finish myself off in front of your father? So turn around and Brexit! Mothers and daughters, eh? Always that lingering tension.
Listen, love, I know no one could ever replace Maria.
- Rosario.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Oh, come on, how about a little hug for old time's sake? Sure, honey.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I'll leave you to it.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I knew she took 'em.
But at the end of the day, aren't we all whores, just looking for a dirty pole to take our last ride on? And, look, Rosie, I'm wearing the pin you gave me.
I know Karen told you that I thought it looked like a blood clot But honestly, the only reason why I haven't worn it is because I misplace it Oh, my God, I'm lying to a corpse.
You're making a pentagram.
Why don't you do it right and not tell me about it? Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have signed the lease without talking to you.
You want me to get us out of it? No, it's good, but thank you for understanding how I'm feeling.
We're partners.
You know, from now on, I'll run everything by you, you run everything by me.
Well, I don't know if I need to run everything by you.
What does that mean? I mean, if we're being honest, you do work for me.
I work for you? I work with you.
We can't talk about this here.
With, for, what's the difference? - But it's for.
- It's with! And we're absolutely not talking about this here.
- And it's with.
- For.
- With.
- For! My mint just flew into the coffin.
- That's horrible.
- No, it's okay.
I have a couple of loose ones in my purse.
[SIGHS.]
Father Closet Case wants to start.
I cannot sit next to Karen, okay? It has to go Will, Grace, Karen No, wait, no, that's not that's not right.
It has to go it has to go Grace, Karen, Jack, Will No, wait, um No, no, it has to go Will, Gra Oh, my God, there's no mathematical way not to sit next to her! Jack, Jack, I know it's hard, but we only have one job, and it's to make sure that Karen gets through this day.
The only thing that matters is Karen.
Okay, you're right.
It's all about Karen.
- Just one problem.
- What's that? Karen isn't here.
According to Find a Friend, she's at the bar next door.
Nice detective work.
You put the Nancy in Nancy Drew.
I'll go talk to her.
I know what she's going through.
Don't make it about you.
- I don't do that.
- Yes, you do.
I don't even know where you get that from.
You sat shiva for Jerry Lewis.
He was very important to my family, Will.
We named our dog Lady just so we could go "Lady!" [SIGHS.]
Ahh, Smitty.
Am I ever going to smile again? Mrs.
Walker, my hearing isn't what it used to be.
I was robbed at gunpoint, and a bullet, it grazed my brain and I'm almost entirely deaf.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Smitty! You always know just what to say.
Just so you know, the service started.
Karen, I get what you're going through.
When my mother died, I was a wreck.
On the day of her funeral, my sister had to dress me.
I couldn't even do my own blowout.
And I really wanted pretty hair for my mom, you know? But I made it.
And everyone said how brave I was.
And how pretty I looked.
And everyone said how proud they were of me.
And I was proud of me, too.
But it doesn't change how much it hurts.
I was her favorite.
Oh, my God, she must miss me so much.
[SOBBING.]
Your sisters must really hate you.
I was the light of her life! And sometimes, after a night of gentle heterosexual lovemaking Where I was on top [LAUGHS.]
Rosie and I would do other normal couple things.
You know, like get into a fight at Ikea, or shoot and skin a deer.
Or argue about how much time I'd spend in my man cave Which I always thought meant something else.
Recently we had begun to talk about starting a family.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And now, I think it's time to hear from a very special woman in Rosie's life, someone who was much more than just her boss.
Ladies [WHISPERING.]
She's not here.
Stretch.
Karen's not coming.
- You made it about yourself? - My mom just died, Will! - Jack, you're up.
- No, no, I can't, I can't.
I can't be around her when she's grieving.
- It scares me.
- You just told a church full of Catholics that you and Rosie remained pure until you presented your flower to each other on your wedding night.
- You can do anything.
- Okay, okay.
I'll try, I'll try.
There's another way to do this.
Lizzie, Ricky We steal her car, we buy an 8-ball, we head to Atlantic City, and whatever happens, happens.
I think it's what the dead maid would have wanted.
Oh, my God, we're wearing the same pin.
You have good taste.
- Hey, Kare - Don't touch me.
Yes, sir, sorry.
Um [WHISPERING.]
We were wondering - The whispering is irritating.
- Sure, yeah, sorry.
[RAISING VOICE.]
I really think Well, you don't have to scream at me I'm in mourning.
I-I just want to help.
Really? You want to help? I do.
More than anything, Kare.
Then sing something for me.
Oh, I don't know that this is the place You sing! Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel Like a room without a roof Because I'm happy clap along if you feel like Now add some moves.
Do The Electric Slide.
That's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along Do "Ease on Down the Road.
" - What? - "Ease on Down the Road!" Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel like That's what you want to do Do "Thriller.
" Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel like That's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along If you feel like that's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along if you feel like Queridos, amigos.
So, if I work for you, do I have to run every contract by you? It is so inappropriate for us to We are way past inappropriate.
You do not ask a priest to top you up on the blood of Christ.
What took him so long? And why is there only one server? He's not a server.
He's the priest! Anyway, I'm used to my business being only me.
Yeah, I get it.
It's yours.
You might have mentioned that before I quit my job and changed my entire life for you.
How'd it go? I've never been so humiliated without specifically asking for it.
Can I get a beer? [SIGHS.]
So now it's your turn? Take your best shot, Mary.
I got nothing to say.
You know what you're doing.
Damn straight.
You're handling this exactly the way you want to handle it.
Like I always do.
I don't need to parade myself up there and boo-hoo over my cleaning lady.
And I don't need to be told I should be there, I'm gonna regret it.
And I certainly don't need people coming up in here What? But you Of all the times to come onto me.
You pervert.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
Funeral's over.
Everybody's gone.
If you want to see her one more time, she's still there.
And it's okay if you can't.
[SIGHS.]
What do you think, Smitty? I'm sorry, um what? [LAUGHS.]
You never turn it off, do ya, Smitts? [SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC.]
Hi, honey.
You got candy in your hair.
Sorry I wasn't here, but come on, what the hell was I gonna say? She was my maid? She was my sparring partner? She was my best friend? You were my everything, Rosario Yolanda Salazar.
You know, it's funny.
People keep asking, "What do you need? What do you need?" I need for you to not be gone.
Here, honey.
I want you to have something.
It was my mother's.
Makes sense you should have it.
Lord knows you've been eyeing it for years.
Honey, I'm not going with you to the cemetery, so don't get mad, okay? I just can't watch 'em put you in the ground.
I have to remember you my way.
So if it's all right I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while.
[SIGHS.]
Te amo, Mommy.
That's Karen sad.
Karen, now that I'm working here, I think we need to have a little chat about getting here on time.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, I spent half the morning trying to track down Rosario.
I don't know where she went.
She never takes a day off unless it's Christmas or "maids eat free" day at Applebee's.
Can't you just phone the vet and have them track her chip? Not if she's outside the perimeter.
- I was kidding.
- Maybe she's tired.
When was the last time she had a vacation? She just took a vacation.
She went to the wine country.
You made her pick grapes.
Oops.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Here she is.
Okay, Rosie, you've got some nerve, not showing up for work.
You better be in the hospital.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
That's a good excuse.
She's in the hospital.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
It was a heart attack.
Looks like she'll pull through it.
Jack's in with her now.
Ugh, what a relief.
You wanna know what's a little weird? My chest is feeling tight.
I'm feeling pain in my right arm.
If you were having a heart attack, you'd feel pain in your left arm.
Ow! [GASPS.]
Maybe don't make this about you.
You really want those to be the last words you ever say to me? - What - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, cool, we got the place.
- What are you talking about? I took over the lease of the office next to you.
- We just doubled our space.
- You signed a lease? Yeah, hey, want to go down to the cafeteria and sneak frozen yogurt out in pill cups? That's a little surprising to me.
That is? I've seen you eat an entire rotisserie chicken standing in the check-out line.
No, that you signed a lease without talking to me.
Why? We agreed we needed more space, and I had to move fast.
He'll figure it out.
Oh, it's after 10:00.
It's after 10:00.
[PANTING.]
It's after 10:00.
Can someone please give Rosario her jello? All she had to do was hold out until 10:00 for her jello! Please give Rosario her jello! [PANTING.]
Oh, thank you.
She said I could have her jello.
Why do I feel like you're not happy about this? Because I'm not.
You really should have asked me before signing anything.
Asked you? I'm the business half.
Will, we're in the hospital for Rosario.
We are not doing this now.
You really should have asked.
Look what I got for Rosie.
"It's a girl"? They were out of "It's a maid.
" It's the thoughtlessness that counts.
I do hope the poor dear is okay.
Who asked you, Riverdance? Put these in water.
She's just a little worried.
There's nothing to worry about.
Interesting fact: Rosario and I were once husband and wife.
I loved her as much as a gay man forced to marry a woman to get a green card could.
You know what? I've already decided, when we get out of here, I'm gonna throw her a quinceañera.
You know, she never had one.
Don't they do that at 15? Or are you counting in maid years? I think in her culture, they wait until after menopause, to mark the moment a woman becomes a man.
Mrs.
Walker, can I speak to you for a moment? No, I'm good.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Oh, no.
There were some unexpected complications, and I'm very sorry to tell you that Rosario is gone.
Gone? Where'd she go this time? Underground maids' fight club that I don't know about? Karen, I don't think you understand I understand, Grace.
Wow, look at this.
It's a really lovely chapel.
Maybe you could lease it and not tell me about it.
Okay, we need to talk.
This is Rosario's funeral.
It's so petty to bring it up.
- But you're wrong and I'm not.
- Hey How are you doing? Do you need anything? Why does everyone keep asking me that? I have been on my own since I was nine months old.
I breastfed myself.
I need nothing.
It's just something people say.
- [SIGHS.]
- I think it's great you still threw Rosie a quinceañera.
Well, her mother was a monster.
She never gave her one.
[SCOFFS.]
Can you imagine anyone being that mean? Jack, what the hell are you doing? I said I wanted the photo of Rosie from the Christmas party.
Sorry, I thought this one screamed Ro-ho-ho! What? No.
That's Rosie at the Easter egg hunt.
That's Rosie at Burning Man! That's better.
She loved that picture.
It makes a world of difference, doesn't it? She has been beating the crap out of me for two straight days.
I don't know how to be around her.
I'm more confused than Britney on stage in Vegas.
So is this Karen sad? Well, I guess it makes sense.
You know, grieving comes in stages.
She was in anger and now she's probably moving on Jack, where the hell are those books of magic spells? Crap, I forgot to put out the Bibles.
Hello, Mother.
Lorraine Finster.
You have got to be out of your mind, showing your faces here.
Well, I heard as soon as I came.
Oh, I remember you two.
Hello, Bill, hello, Patty.
I wouldn't dream of not being here.
I mean, you married my father.
I slept with your husband.
That makes us family.
So sorry for our loss.
What do you want, Lorraine? You're not getting anywhere near Stanley, you're not stealing the jewelry off of Rosario, and we are not having a threeway again.
Do you know how humiliating it was for me to have to finish myself off in front of your father? So turn around and Brexit! Mothers and daughters, eh? Always that lingering tension.
Listen, love, I know no one could ever replace Maria.
- Rosario.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
Oh, come on, how about a little hug for old time's sake? Sure, honey.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I'll leave you to it.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I knew she took 'em.
But at the end of the day, aren't we all whores, just looking for a dirty pole to take our last ride on? And, look, Rosie, I'm wearing the pin you gave me.
I know Karen told you that I thought it looked like a blood clot But honestly, the only reason why I haven't worn it is because I misplace it Oh, my God, I'm lying to a corpse.
You're making a pentagram.
Why don't you do it right and not tell me about it? Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have signed the lease without talking to you.
You want me to get us out of it? No, it's good, but thank you for understanding how I'm feeling.
We're partners.
You know, from now on, I'll run everything by you, you run everything by me.
Well, I don't know if I need to run everything by you.
What does that mean? I mean, if we're being honest, you do work for me.
I work for you? I work with you.
We can't talk about this here.
With, for, what's the difference? - But it's for.
- It's with! And we're absolutely not talking about this here.
- And it's with.
- For.
- With.
- For! My mint just flew into the coffin.
- That's horrible.
- No, it's okay.
I have a couple of loose ones in my purse.
[SIGHS.]
Father Closet Case wants to start.
I cannot sit next to Karen, okay? It has to go Will, Grace, Karen No, wait, no, that's not that's not right.
It has to go it has to go Grace, Karen, Jack, Will No, wait, um No, no, it has to go Will, Gra Oh, my God, there's no mathematical way not to sit next to her! Jack, Jack, I know it's hard, but we only have one job, and it's to make sure that Karen gets through this day.
The only thing that matters is Karen.
Okay, you're right.
It's all about Karen.
- Just one problem.
- What's that? Karen isn't here.
According to Find a Friend, she's at the bar next door.
Nice detective work.
You put the Nancy in Nancy Drew.
I'll go talk to her.
I know what she's going through.
Don't make it about you.
- I don't do that.
- Yes, you do.
I don't even know where you get that from.
You sat shiva for Jerry Lewis.
He was very important to my family, Will.
We named our dog Lady just so we could go "Lady!" [SIGHS.]
Ahh, Smitty.
Am I ever going to smile again? Mrs.
Walker, my hearing isn't what it used to be.
I was robbed at gunpoint, and a bullet, it grazed my brain and I'm almost entirely deaf.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, Smitty! You always know just what to say.
Just so you know, the service started.
Karen, I get what you're going through.
When my mother died, I was a wreck.
On the day of her funeral, my sister had to dress me.
I couldn't even do my own blowout.
And I really wanted pretty hair for my mom, you know? But I made it.
And everyone said how brave I was.
And how pretty I looked.
And everyone said how proud they were of me.
And I was proud of me, too.
But it doesn't change how much it hurts.
I was her favorite.
Oh, my God, she must miss me so much.
[SOBBING.]
Your sisters must really hate you.
I was the light of her life! And sometimes, after a night of gentle heterosexual lovemaking Where I was on top [LAUGHS.]
Rosie and I would do other normal couple things.
You know, like get into a fight at Ikea, or shoot and skin a deer.
Or argue about how much time I'd spend in my man cave Which I always thought meant something else.
Recently we had begun to talk about starting a family.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
And now, I think it's time to hear from a very special woman in Rosie's life, someone who was much more than just her boss.
Ladies [WHISPERING.]
She's not here.
Stretch.
Karen's not coming.
- You made it about yourself? - My mom just died, Will! - Jack, you're up.
- No, no, I can't, I can't.
I can't be around her when she's grieving.
- It scares me.
- You just told a church full of Catholics that you and Rosie remained pure until you presented your flower to each other on your wedding night.
- You can do anything.
- Okay, okay.
I'll try, I'll try.
There's another way to do this.
Lizzie, Ricky We steal her car, we buy an 8-ball, we head to Atlantic City, and whatever happens, happens.
I think it's what the dead maid would have wanted.
Oh, my God, we're wearing the same pin.
You have good taste.
- Hey, Kare - Don't touch me.
Yes, sir, sorry.
Um [WHISPERING.]
We were wondering - The whispering is irritating.
- Sure, yeah, sorry.
[RAISING VOICE.]
I really think Well, you don't have to scream at me I'm in mourning.
I-I just want to help.
Really? You want to help? I do.
More than anything, Kare.
Then sing something for me.
Oh, I don't know that this is the place You sing! Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel Like a room without a roof Because I'm happy clap along if you feel like Now add some moves.
Do The Electric Slide.
That's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along Do "Ease on Down the Road.
" - What? - "Ease on Down the Road!" Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel like That's what you want to do Do "Thriller.
" Because I'm happy Clap along if you feel like That's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along If you feel like that's what you want to do Because I'm happy clap along if you feel like Queridos, amigos.
So, if I work for you, do I have to run every contract by you? It is so inappropriate for us to We are way past inappropriate.
You do not ask a priest to top you up on the blood of Christ.
What took him so long? And why is there only one server? He's not a server.
He's the priest! Anyway, I'm used to my business being only me.
Yeah, I get it.
It's yours.
You might have mentioned that before I quit my job and changed my entire life for you.
How'd it go? I've never been so humiliated without specifically asking for it.
Can I get a beer? [SIGHS.]
So now it's your turn? Take your best shot, Mary.
I got nothing to say.
You know what you're doing.
Damn straight.
You're handling this exactly the way you want to handle it.
Like I always do.
I don't need to parade myself up there and boo-hoo over my cleaning lady.
And I don't need to be told I should be there, I'm gonna regret it.
And I certainly don't need people coming up in here What? But you Of all the times to come onto me.
You pervert.
[SIGHS.]
I'm so sorry.
Funeral's over.
Everybody's gone.
If you want to see her one more time, she's still there.
And it's okay if you can't.
[SIGHS.]
What do you think, Smitty? I'm sorry, um what? [LAUGHS.]
You never turn it off, do ya, Smitts? [SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC.]
Hi, honey.
You got candy in your hair.
Sorry I wasn't here, but come on, what the hell was I gonna say? She was my maid? She was my sparring partner? She was my best friend? You were my everything, Rosario Yolanda Salazar.
You know, it's funny.
People keep asking, "What do you need? What do you need?" I need for you to not be gone.
Here, honey.
I want you to have something.
It was my mother's.
Makes sense you should have it.
Lord knows you've been eyeing it for years.
Honey, I'm not going with you to the cemetery, so don't get mad, okay? I just can't watch 'em put you in the ground.
I have to remember you my way.
So if it's all right I'm just gonna sit here with you for a while.
[SIGHS.]
Te amo, Mommy.
That's Karen sad.