8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e07 Episode Script
David Mitchell, Cariad Lloyd, Russell Howard, Sam Simmons
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson.
David Mitchell.
Russell Howard.
Cariad Lloyd.
Sam Simmons.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know? "Ghosting" means to cut off all communication with someone.
My nan ghosted me recently, by which I mean, she died.
There's a word in German that means "a face that needs a slap".
We've got a word for that in English too.
It's a Jon Richardson.
And according to a recent study, dogs can understand both words and intonation.
So if there are any dogs watching, stop shitting on my driveway.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! Jon has just had a baby daughter! And I'm already back to my previous weight.
We'll discuss that.
- He loves to be touched.
- Oh, I know, I used to live with him.
Loves it.
Loves every bit, don't you? Congratulations to Jon's wife.
It took 12 long hours of pain, tears and drugs, but eventually, Jon managed to get her pregnant.
12 hours?! Wonderful.
Excellent.
Can you imagine? - 12 hours.
- 12 hours? That's all I'll do in my lifetime.
- Jon's team-mate, it's Russell Howard! - Hello! Russell used to live with Jon Richardson at university and living with Jon inspired Russell to take up stand-up.
Anything to get out of that flat.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain David Mitchell! David Mitchell is such an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy that his daughter's first word was "Grandad".
And joining David tonight, it's Cariad Lloyd! Cariad once performed a 50-hour improv marathon.
They only stopped it when the inmates at Guantanamo finally cracked.
David, it says here your first crush was on Madonna.
How are you feeling about her now? It was a long time ago, you know? She's moved on, I've moved on.
You know, she's What Do you want me to say on television that Madonna is less attractive now? You think that's a useful thing to do for society? To say that actually, the way men perceive women is that they become less attractive - when they get into middle age and older? - Not I'm not proud of that, but that's the society we're in, Jimmy, thanks for bringing it up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not even I think Madonna, I mean, she's 55 years of age, she's got the body of a man half that age.
Madonna's actually She's 57.
I know that cos she's the same age as my mum.
And my mum has got a crush on you, so OK.
Cariad, you recently played Angela Merkel on Murder in Successville.
How did you get into character? Er, I moved to Berlin, I learned German, I joined the Christian Democratic Union, and then, Jimmy, I remembered YouTube existed, so I just YouTubed her videos until I found Angela.
Can we get a little burst of Angela? Well, she's quite serious, but in my head she's a little bit more fun, so she likes joking and Gummi Bears and skateboarding.
That's my Angela Merkel.
You know, she's cheery.
She's got a cat - do you want to stroke it? I think I do.
- Do you know the German for pregnant, do you know what it is? - Nein.
- Schwangerschaft! - Schwangerschaft! What a lovely word for a wonderful thing.
The German for ice skating is Schlittschuhlaufen.
- Shit-you-laughen? - Schlittschuhlaufen.
Shit-you-laughing? I've laughed a lot, but never actually shat myself.
- Have you not? - No.
Have you ever shat yourself laughing? This young man made me do it.
Do you remember that? Do you remember that? I When did you shit yourself laughing? We were at a private school, we were doing a gig, and he said something very funny, and my mouth liked it, and my arse did too.
And then I made you laugh and you were worried you were going to shit yourself.
We were in a right state.
But I didn't.
You won that day, but What were you doing in a private school? It's important the kids know what happens if you don't try hard at school.
That's where we came in, with our shitty pants.
I've remembered what happened now.
We were both laughing, and then I stopped laughing, and then he knew.
I think I looked at you and went, "I have.
What should I do?" And he was like, "You need to get to the bloody toilet! "You bastard, we're in a bloody school!" That's what I talk like.
It's a supernatural power that I have, and any of you who cross me this evening will be made to shit your pants What a member of the X-Men you'd be.
Russell.
Are you worried about letting Jon down? Jon does take this quite seriously.
Well, I've got a plan for that.
Um, if I do let Jon down, I've got some presents for him.
Because first of alloof! - .
.
I've got some lovely port.
- Oh, I do like port.
I know you do.
- Who likes port?! - Well, that's not all he likes.
When he used to get in one of his "funny moods", he used to go off, take a bottle of port, and watch Winnie-the-Pooh, didn't you, mate? - Watching Winnie-the-Pooh? - Oh, he loves it, don't you, Big Dog? Absolutely loves it.
It was that lovely quote, what was that quote you loved? "Get out of my fucking room"? It's when Piglet says, "How do you spell love, Winnie?" And Winnie goes, "You don't spell it - you feel it.
" Obviously he doesn't say it that creepily.
"You feel it!" Is Tommy Cooper playing Winnie-the-Pooh? What I'm trying to say, if I let Jon down, I've got presents for him.
OK.
So, Jon, you've recently had a baby.
How are you coping? It's horrific, I would say, yeah.
The really annoying thing people keep saying about the first few weeks, they keep saying it's like Groundhog Day.
But then in Groundhog Day, every night he goes to bed, and when he wakes up, everything's tidy again.
It's like Groundhog Day, but everything that's got shit on it when he goes to bed still has shit on it.
- In fact, there's more shit.
- You should be prepared for this, cos you've lived with Russell.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Cariad, have you got a mascot? Well, I am indeed pregnant.
I'm medically known as "heavily pregnant", which basically means just no-one wants to be in a room alone with me in case it comes out like an alien, so, you know.
- People are afraid, they're worried when they're on their own.
- Yeah.
I mean, it feels like it could It could arrive now, right? And this show, obviously it's quite stressful.
Last time I was here, I remembered I can't add up.
Genuinely what happened last time.
So I was a bit worried about being on the show, getting a bit stressed, so my mascot this week, I've asked My midwife is here.
So please welcome Magda, everybody.
This is Magda the midwife.
So yeah, Magda's just going to keep an eye on me, we're just going to check blood pressure as we go through.
Sorry, did Magda bring drugs? Yeah, I've got some gas and air.
So this is for the numbers round, cos that's my worst.
And, er, yeah, soI just felt like no-one here was medically qualified, and I felt like Jon might pressure me to get it out in 30 seconds, which me and my perineum do not want, so Are you doing a perineal massage? You can't start till 37 weeks.
You are fucking kidding me.
I was doing that shit for months.
Oh, mate.
She saw you coming.
Well, she did literally see you coming LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's good we've got Magda on standby.
Thank you very much, Magda the midwife! - OK.
David, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
My mascot is this book.
Um Peri-peri Chicken - A CIA Conspiracy? It's by Keith Chegwin.
It's not THE It's not the Keith Chegwin you'll be aware of.
He's a Labour peer.
Lord Chegwin.
And if you think about it, peri-peri chicken didn't exist at all for thousands and thousands of years, and then suddenly it's everywhere.
Why? I don't know if anyone's ever had any.
If you have, you'll know it's not because of what it tastes like.
No-one's asking for I mean, it's all right, it's palatable, but no-one's asking for that.
Nobody wants it.
- Can we let someone say that - If you're going to contradict me, you're part of the conspiracy.
It goes right to the top.
I don't know why they're doing it, but they've infiltrated our high streets with this completely unnecessary form of chicken.
We don't know what is on it.
It's called peri-peri, but that is not a thing - that we know the composition of.
- Well, it's just And it's changing our brains in various ways that we're not aware of and it could destroy civilisation as we know it.
Have you ever had a KFC? I have had a KFC, yes.
That's not peri-peri, that's fine, it's got nothing to do with the CIA.
Actually, Colonel Sanders is one of the people who funded this book.
Have you ever had a peri-peri chicken? I've had it once, but, I'm reliably informed, not enough for it to have had its effect.
Did you have the hot peri-peri, - or the medium, the mild? What do you? - What do you think? LAUGHTER Lemon and herb all the way.
OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Er, well, similar to David, really, I'm raising awareness this week of a new charity.
I would like to raise awareness of my new charity, the RSPCFlea.
So obviously all Ooh, the weight of this thing.
We've all been to the flea circuses, of course we have, where the fleas, they make millions of pounds for unscrupulous people - Millions! - The question is what happens to the fleas who aren't good enough to get in the circus.
And a lot of them end up in prostitution.
The lucky ones end up on a dog.
And that's saying something.
So I've set up a charity which accepts fleas who didn't make the grade for the circus.
This is one of my flea farms.
Just look at what these little guys are churning out.
Where are the fleas? Have you got them in there working like a little sweatshop? There's Gary.
And Neville, well, Neville's serving a time-out because he was smoking.
They do get nervy, they obviously don't like to be relocated, so they Gary's just had a little wee there.
They do sometimes They piss a bit when you take them out of the house, and I think it's just So you had a baby, and it's too much, and you've had a breakdown.
Yeah.
Yeah, have some port, take the edge off.
- Russell, have you got a mascot? - Um, yeah.
This is from July 1989, and it's Russell Howard: Best Improver.
- Best Improver? - Which basically means, "He doesn't drown no more.
" - Is it swimming? - Yeah, it is swimming.
That's a proper mascot on Countdown.
That's taking it seriously.
That's the kind of thing people bring in.
That was my initial idea, and then I thought, meh, seems a bit obvious.
- But again, I thought - Yeah, we get inundated with swimming medals that people got when they were seven.
I thought this would be more fun.
I've got my first presents for Jon's baby daughter, which isa little piano.
Are you saying she's going to be small cos I'm small? Genius idea.
That's a beautiful thing, and it also looks like it's going to be very loud.
CLANGING Morning, Dad! CLANGING Love you! PLAYS A TUNE - It's Countdown.
- Oh, the Countdown theme tune! Wow, you're one of those people who can just hear a tune and play it.
Yeah.
Listen again.
HE PLAYS THE THEME TUNE APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons! Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Sam has an unusual look.
He looks like the guy at the police press conference that everyone thought did it but it turns outhe did.
Sam, you've been in the UK a while now.
What have you learned about us Brits? I don't like you guys a lot.
But I've learned some fun facts, OK? So you know before you guys, like, kind of got cultured, like, before the Romans invaded, before that, you guys were just, like, eating sticks and mud.
What would happen during Roman times is that slaves, they used to have just one arm, they'd amputate one arm off a slave, and then when you saw that, you were like, "OK, we can use slaves in our silver service industry," so now when you get a glass of wine poured for you, and then the person puts their arm behind their back, they're actually pretending to be a Roman slave.
SILENCE Is that not true?! - I'd say it's horrifying, is what it is.
- It's true! I think it's actually a true thing.
If it's true, in Roman times all slaves had one arm? One arm because they were amputated because they'd be like, "You're a slave for life.
" - This is thousands of years before - Silver service! A triple! Not just silver service, but I'm talking about antiseptic and that sort of thing.
There would have been about a 4% survival rate.
Nah, they'd just burn it off.
Just like chop it off, burn it off.
Oh, just burn it off.
No! Most of them would die! Yeah, butthat's why they took so many slaves.
Let me explain what's happened here.
You've had a weird dream - .
.
and you've remembered it as fact.
- I'm almost positive this is true.
- Almost positive.
- Yeah.
- And we're all I think we're all agreed, not the case.
That's so weird.
I've never heard So why do they hide the arm behind their back to pour the wine? How do you want them to pour wine? Like this? "Get it down you, mate, have some fucking wine!" OK.
And with Sam, of course, is Susie Dent.
Susie lives a simple life and doesn't yearn for materialistic things.
In fact, most of her salary goes on books, potted plants, and treats for her pet dog.
The rest she spends on crack, male strippers, and replacing worn-out equipment in her sex dungeon.
What are the words people most frequently get wrong, Susie? One is "mischevious" instead of "mischievous".
People say "mischevious".
There's "ultimate" - ultimate actually means last, rather than, you know, the top.
- Ultimate means last? - Yeah.
So Jimmy would be the ultimate person I'd like to go out with.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! With her impressive qualifications in maths, science and physics, Rachel is very much like a modern-day Marie Curie, if Marie Curie had packed it all in to become a sidekick on a quiz show.
What's your biggest flaw? You're good at sport, you're good at maths - what's your big flaw? Well, I'm not much of a performer, as you've pointed out many times, - and I'm a terrible singer.
- Terrible singer? - Yeah.
I went with my friends once to this karaoke bar in France and there was a whole table of people in the middle, and during the first song, literally everybody left.
- What's your go-to karaoke? - That one, there were four of us and we all looked like we should be able to sing but none of us can do a note, and it was the Spice Girls - Wannabe.
- Sing a little blast? - Absolutely not.
Give it a go! I could be the backing pianist.
- Nobody wants that.
- # If you wanna be my lover # He's not musical, but he's confident, isn't he? OK.
Tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown spray-tan kit! OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
Time for the first game.
David and Cariad, you get the first pick of the letters.
Er, you go.
You say.
OK.
Er, can we start with a consonant, please? Start with S.
S, and then two vowels A O Er, two consonants.
R D Another two consonants, please.
N J And another two vowels.
And the last ones A and E.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
SLURPING OUT-OF-TIME STING HE BURPS APPLAUSE So, David, how many letters? Five.
Cariad.
Five, I'm not sure it's a word.
Jon, how many? Seven.
- Oh! - Russell, how many? - Er, six.
- OK.
Cariad, your risky five? NOSER NOSER There's a normal nose, and then there's some people have a NOSER.
Nono.
I'd better have some snacks.
David, what was your non-risky five? Well, I got READS, ROADS and JEANS.
Russell.
I've got DRONES.
- D-R-O-N-E-S.
- Good! Jon, your seven.
JASONED - JASONED? - He JASONED the shit out of that Technicolour dreamcoat.
LAUGHTER Kylie got JASONED early doors.
I can see where you're coming from, because joshed is in there, but JASONED isn't, I'm afraid.
Sorry.
OK.
Six points to Russell! There you go.
It's an excellent start.
Sam, Susie, could they have done better? Yeah.
ARENAS, DRAINS, SOARED - - just loads of sixes.
- OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Russell are in the lead with six points! On to our first numbers round.
Jon and Russell, your turn to pick.
I'd like you to pick the numbers, Russell, but as me.
Save the fleas! Er, Rachel.
Can I have whatever you want to get? IMITATES FARTING - I'm being you.
- Oh, I see! Rachel, one big and five small, please.
- One big one, five little ones.
- Yep.
We've got 4, 10, 1, 6 and 2, and the big one, 25.
Oh, Christ.
Target 960.
OK.
And your time starts now.
Jon, what's going on? Well, Neville has failed again.
And they're all dead.
You try and do a good thing for a community that's been beleaguered Do you know what? Fuck fleas.
OK, so your target was 960.
Cariad, did you get that? I gave up at 41.
- I just thought - You got to 41? - I'm so number dyslexic that I struggled to write them down.
They started all moving, so I thought, you know what? Let's just kick back, have some gas and air David, did you get it? - I might have got it.
- What?! But I might not.
What? OK, we'll come back to you in a second.
If you come back to me in about three minutes, then it'll be sorted.
OK, Russell, did you get it? See, what happened, right I wrote down 25 x 10 = and that was as far as I got.
So Jon, you've got it, yeah? I've got it.
- How did you get it, David? - I think it's 25 - 1.
- Yep.
- Have I got there? Not yet, not yet.
X 4.
= 96, x 10.
Yeah, 960, well done.
He's a genius! That's amazing! Jon's got it and he hasn't even written anything down.
Yeah, but I usually go last, so I just wait for someone else to get it and then I say I did that.
Did you get it? - I did get it, yes.
- OK, well, that's good enough for me.
Ten points to both teams! So the scores at the moment, David and Cariad have 10, Jon and Russell are in the lead with 16.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are POO FORTS, the clue is "climb up and enjoy the view.
" That's POO FORTS, "climb up and enjoy the view.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were POO FORTS, the clue was - climb up and enjoy the view.
It was, of course, ROOFTOPS.
So, Jon and Russell are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Jon.
So, Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I just, briefly, tell my favourite story of Jon? When I came home, I just done a gig, and I heard this noise.
I opened the door and I just heard, "Ehhh" LAUGHTER So I opened the door and, do you remember this? You were climbing up the stairs just using your arms.
And I said, "What are you doing?" And you went, "Argh!" And you said, "I was seeing what it would be like to climb upstairs if I had no legs.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Do you remember that? Oh It was the noise.
I knew I was onto something.
"Ehhh Ehh" Consonant, please.
S And a vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
Ah! I've got one! Consonant, please.
G Vowel, please.
U Consonant, please.
M Vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
H I've got a really good one if you say it with a lisp.
A final consonant, please.
And a final W.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Make an arachnid the size of a fat kid.
APPLAUSE Jon, how many? - Seven.
- DAVID: Oh David, how many? Fewer than seven.
OK, who's going to break it to Russell that he's not playing this bit? Oh, shit, am I not? LAUGHTER No, go on, what was the lispy word? I was going to try MOISTH.
Sort of takes the Because it's quite a horrible word, isn't it? Sort of, moist, but if you think MOISTH "Are you MOISTH?" doesn't sound as threatening as "Are you moist?" Why are you threatening people with "Are you moist?" I don't know why I'm not even in this round! How often do you think people actually say, "Are you moist?" David, how many letters? - Five.
- What is it? - WHIST.
- OK.
Jon, what was your word? It's something you hear a lot in old people's homes Get out! LAUGHTER What are you doing in here dressed as Death? GUMSHOW.
You know, like when the old men are trying to impress the old women, they go, "Two tickets to the GUMSHOW.
" I'm not sure that's a word.
GUMSHOW is a word, yes? - Gumshoe, not GUMSHOW.
- Ohh! - OK, five points to David.
- Yay! APPLAUSE Well done.
See? Susie, could they have done any better? - MUGSHOT.
MUGSHOT.
- MUGSHOT.
- It's there for seven.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Cariad have 15.
Jon and Russell are just in the lead with 16.
APPLAUSE Right, onto another numbers round.
Cariad, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'll have one big one and then the requisite amount of smaller ones.
Thank you, Cariad.
One big one, five little ones.
- That's the numbers.
- Hang on, is this me and Cariad? This is everyone.
Because if it was you and Cariad, eh Yeah, I was going to say! I mean, no offence to either of you.
It's lovely to have you on the show, but I imagine you versus Cariad, it would just be, "Did anyone get it?" No.
Rachel, do some maths.
I was just thinking, it would be lovely if you had your baby tonight.
- Yeah, it would be.
- Specifically to Da-da, da-da, da-la-da-da WAH! If it popped on that bit and then even though I can't add up, - I can create life, so - Yes.
OK, the numbers 9, 4 - God.
- 8 - Sweet Jesus.
5, 10 and 50.
OK, 50.
I'll write that down.
And the target, 107.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 107.
- Cariad, did you get it? - I think I did.
- You think you did? OK.
Huge.
- But I might be wrong.
- David, did you get it? - No.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
Oh, quiet a smug yes.
Sorry.
Yeah! LAUGHTER Russell.
- Did you get it? - Nope.
What did you get? - How did you do? - Just talk you through Shall we have a laugh at my? I just saw, multiplied by 10 equals 1,300.
- Cariad, how did you do it? - I'm so nervous.
Like, I feel like it's going to induce the baby because I've done maths and this has not ever happened in my life.
But 9 x 10 9 x 10 = 90 90 + 8 90 + 8 = 98 98 + 4 98 + 4 = 102 102 + 5 - 102 + 5 = 107 - CHEERING Yes! Yes! Well done.
Jon, did you do it the same way? 4 x 10 = 40 40 + 50 + 8 + 9 Lovely.
Same result.
- Well done.
- Well, 10 points each.
- Well done.
- Well done! That's literally never happened before.
OK, so David and Cariad have 25.
Jon and Russell have 26.
APPLAUSE Right, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmonds, what have you got for us? OK, well, I've realised that none of us really have real jobs.
Like, no-one's done a real job for years.
So what I'd like to do is recreate a work environment like an office kind of thing, but I'm going to do like an improvised musical kind of like a shit Mike Leigh.
OK? So, you'll be hole punch.
You can be in charge of, you can have the fluorescent marker.
- You can have a ruler.
- Thank you.
You can have another ruler.
And you've got a fluoro as well.
Jimmy, you've got nothing.
CARIAD: I felt David was sad when you got a ruler.
- You've got this.
At some point I will come to you.
- OK.
All right, so this is a musical about what I would think would typically happen in any office all over the country.
Let's go.
CHEERFUL MUSIC # I walked into my workplace # And I sat down at my desk # I said good morning to Jimmy # Good morning! # We talked about the weekend # He stole some money # Staring at a stapler # Clicking on a click pen # Thinking 'bout the sandwich I am going to have for lunch # Then I dropped my pen # It rolled underneath the copier # Hope I get it back or I'll have to get a new one # Now I need a new pen # Hope I get a good one Sandwich, Jimmy, click pen, new one This is going so well! # I went to visit Rachel # Cos she's in charge of the pens # Explained my pen situation # I dropped it # Then she gave me a new pen # Yeah! # I just got a new pen # It's a clicky four one New pen, Rachel, click pen, yeah! It's a big finish.
There's a really big finish.
# I've got a # Clicky new Pen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
- Sam Simmonds, everyone.
- Thank you.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TOSS TIME.
The clue is - always gets me wet.
That's TOSS TIME - always gets me wet.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were TOSS TIME.
The clue was - always gets me wet.
It was, of course, Moistest.
Before we get on with the game, time for a bonus round.
Jon and Russell, you used to be flatmates, so tonight we're going to test just how much they know about each other.
John and Russell, make your way to the podium for our version of Mr and Mrs - it's Mr and Mr! APPLAUSE The kind of telly I should be making.
I'm going to move you there and you there.
OK, I'm going to ask Jon some questions.
Russell, you're going to have ear protectors on so you won't be able to hear what he answers and then you'll have to answer and tell me whathe said.
- OK.
- If you get most of your answers right, your team gets the points, but if you get most of them wrong, the points go to David and Cariad, so a lot at stake.
This could really make a difference.
So you just pop these on and go and sit by Rachel.
You look amazing.
Here we go.
Jon, when you lived in a flat with Russell, what was the worst thing you ever did to your flatmates? That would be the time that I got so tired of cleaning the flat that while they were out, I tidied the flat and then left them an itemised bill for my time at minimum wage.
I didn't want to overcharge the guys, but they learnt this shit doesn't happen for free.
What's the most unusual thing about your body? Someone's touched it.
My chest hair is sort of roughly heart-shaped.
JIMMY SNORTS Is this your match.
com profile we're listening to? That will do for weirdness.
I also have a little mole just in there.
- Can we see that? - Boop! - There is a little mole.
- People really hate it because they go "you've got a bit of chocolate, and I go, "No, it's a mole," and they go, "Urgh" - I can see why, it's really gross.
- Horrible, isn't it? So what are we going to go for, the chest hair? - The chest hair, yeah.
- Weird chest hair.
And you shave it like that? It just grew like that, I'm like a sort of Care Bear.
Last question, when you lived with Russell, what was his most annoying habit? Well, undoubtedly, he's got a thing for teaspoons.
He likes to burrow them away as if there's going to come some sort of apocalypse and teaspoons will be the only currency and he will be king of all the world.
His most annoying habit is that he flosses the skin in between the toes of his feet with his socks in the front room.
You can sort of see it, you know like when you turn a snow globe upside down.
All right, time to get Russell back.
Russell, come back over.
APPLAUSE OK, Russell.
Here's the first question.
When you guys lived together, what was the worst thing Jon did to his flatmates? What do you think he said? Oh, he, I'll tell you what he did do once, he tidied up the flat and then he charged us for it! Is the right answer! APPLAUSE OK, what's the most unusual thing about Jon's tiny little body? He's got weird chest hair.
Really odd chest hair.
What's weird about his chest hair? I can't remember.
It's something to do What is it? Let's have a look.
Proper, come on.
This is like Brokeback Mountain now.
Can I see? Oh! He is like a little Care Bear.
That's it, he's like a little Care Bear.
We'll give you that.
He has chest hair in the shape of sort of a heart.
When Jon lived with you, what was your most annoying habit? Oh, I tell you what it might be.
I should point out, I don't do this any more.
Is it that then? I don't know.
Whatever you're about to say, you still do.
I used to scratch my feet with socks and Jon didn't like it.
Nobody liked it! The house wasn't split down the middle! He'd get the toes like that and then he'd get the sock and go I'll be honest, when I was doing it, I suffered very badly from athlete's foot.
That's why I was doing it.
Oh, yeah, it wasn't for fun! It was to get rotten skin off his feet onto the carpet of the living room.
OK, you got all of those right so you get five points for that.
APPLAUSE Thank you for playing Mr and Mr! OK, On with the game.
David and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two consonants to start with, please.
- Thanks, David.
T, C.
And then two vowels.
A E Three more consonants! Jesus Christ! B R S One of each now, a vowel and a consonant, whichever way round you want.
I and P.
And your time starts now.
- So, David, how many letters? - I think six.
Cariad, how many letters? - I think six as well.
- Russell, how many? Six! - Jon? - I think an eight but I don't think it is an eight but I've written it down and now I can't not say it.
OK, all right, so, Cariad, what was your six? Well, I think it might be a common six, BREAST.
I've gone BREAST.
David, your six.
BREAST.
So we've got two breasts, they do come in pairs.
- Russell.
- I went for Braise.
OK, Jon, what was your risky eight? Well, CRAPIEST, but I think it's probably double P.
Yeah, double P.
Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Sam, Suzie, what could they have had? ARSEPIC.
It's like a reverse selfie.
Just put the camera down there and take an ARSEPIC.
Do you want the pen-cam? The pen-cam? Don't give him the pen-cam now.
- Is that real, does it work? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
No, no! No! We can't unsee it.
Let's do this! APPLAUSE That pen was designed for doing close-ups of a dictionary decades ago.
You might as well use the royal coach to go dogging.
APPLAUSE "Come on, Your Majesty, Pull the horses into a lay-by.
" Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there was CARPETS for seven or PRACTISE for eight.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
Sam, what have you got for us? I've got to put on my jumper first.
OK Let's pull this out here.
And that's it, I'm done.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
Sam Simmons.
That's it, that's all I'm doing.
- Is there more? - No.
There's no more to it? You can't do it otherwise you'd have a jumper on.
I've also got like a random collection of bad thoughts.
'Not very good thoughts.
'This cheese grater.
' It's pretty great.
Not so great.
'Not very good thoughts.
'Pine cones.
' I reckon pine cones are just like Lego for poor people.
'Not very good thoughts.
'This magical koala's arsehole.
' It's where capsicums come from.
'Not very good thoughts.
'That time I put a Bounty on my head.
' Don't shoot.
Don't shoot! 'Not very good thoughts.
'This man with reindeer hooves for hands trying to pick out a new paint colour for hiskitchen.
' 'Not very good thoughts.
'Posh people.
' You know posh people, they are all like, "Ra-ra-ra, Regatta, "bring me a mulligatawny," and they're always wearing pastel shirts with their collarup, you know that pastel shirt, collar up look? You know what you can do with them? If you point them north into the sun, you can use their collar like a sundial on their shoulder and then you can tell it's the time for those posh people tofuck off.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
OK, so at the end of that David and Cariad have 31, Jon and Russell have 37.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are TAKEN BUM, the clue is - bagsy on top.
That's TAKEN BUM - bagsy on top.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TAKEN BUM, the clue was, "bagsy on top.
" It was, of course, BUNKMATE.
OK, time for our final letters game.
John and Russel, your turn to choose the letters.
John, I'd like you to choose them in the style of me, please.
IMPERSONATES RUSSELL: You know they letters? I wouldn't half like nine of 'em.
Christ, I'll have a letter.
What's the one that's like B? - C? - I'll have a C.
- Knock yourself out.
- Right.
I did that once.
Too fast on my bike, hit a lamppost.
Knocked myself out.
- L.
- L, all right, then.
L for lady.
And we'll have a vowel.
E.
Yeah, LE.
That's French, that.
I done a bit of French.
That's as far as I got in French.
Um, consonant, please.
K.
You been up the new, um LAUGHTER Been up Cribbs Causeway lately? - Can't say that I have.
- Oh, it's murder at Christmas.
I'll have another consonant.
I don't like K.
N.
- N, I like.
That's good.
Go on.
Keep going.
- All right.
- No-one really cares any more, do they? - O.
- Another consonant.
- If you just look at Russell, it's like it's his thoughts.
That's actually, that's a word up there, anyway.
That's French for "the knot.
" Uh, consonant, please.
F A vowel, please.
A Uh, one left, is it? You pick.
G OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
BAND PLAY COUNTDOWN MUSIC LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Uh, David, how many? - Five.
- Cariad? - Five.
John? - Six.
- Russel? - Four.
Your four.
Um, TANK.
OK, Cariad, your five? Uh, TOKEN or TAKEN, either one.
All right, David, your five.
GLOA - What's your six, John? - Now, it's one of those words that I've heard - girls use when I - "Get out!" - Well, just heard them use it.
Don't worry about it, happens all the time.
JOHN: It's a girl's word.
ANKLET.
- ANKLET.
- SUSIE: Very good.
OK, six points to John.
APPLAUSE Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? FANKLE.
Like fat ankle.
It's not a fat ankle! No, it's when something gets entangled.
- Oh, I thought it meant fat ankle! - That's a cankle.
- And TANGELO.
- TANGELO.
- What does that mean, Sam? - It's like a mandarin fruit.
Yeah! OK, so, David and Cariad have 31, John and Russell have 43.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time startsnow.
LAUGHTER BUZZER MIGHTIEST.
Three seconds in, let's have a look.
He's only gone and bloody done it! APPLAUSE Three seconds in! So the final scores are David and Cariad have 31, John and Russell have 53! APPLAUSE Congratulations, John and Russell.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown spray-tan kit! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson.
David Mitchell.
Russell Howard.
Cariad Lloyd.
Sam Simmons.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know? "Ghosting" means to cut off all communication with someone.
My nan ghosted me recently, by which I mean, she died.
There's a word in German that means "a face that needs a slap".
We've got a word for that in English too.
It's a Jon Richardson.
And according to a recent study, dogs can understand both words and intonation.
So if there are any dogs watching, stop shitting on my driveway.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! Jon has just had a baby daughter! And I'm already back to my previous weight.
We'll discuss that.
- He loves to be touched.
- Oh, I know, I used to live with him.
Loves it.
Loves every bit, don't you? Congratulations to Jon's wife.
It took 12 long hours of pain, tears and drugs, but eventually, Jon managed to get her pregnant.
12 hours?! Wonderful.
Excellent.
Can you imagine? - 12 hours.
- 12 hours? That's all I'll do in my lifetime.
- Jon's team-mate, it's Russell Howard! - Hello! Russell used to live with Jon Richardson at university and living with Jon inspired Russell to take up stand-up.
Anything to get out of that flat.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain David Mitchell! David Mitchell is such an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy that his daughter's first word was "Grandad".
And joining David tonight, it's Cariad Lloyd! Cariad once performed a 50-hour improv marathon.
They only stopped it when the inmates at Guantanamo finally cracked.
David, it says here your first crush was on Madonna.
How are you feeling about her now? It was a long time ago, you know? She's moved on, I've moved on.
You know, she's What Do you want me to say on television that Madonna is less attractive now? You think that's a useful thing to do for society? To say that actually, the way men perceive women is that they become less attractive - when they get into middle age and older? - Not I'm not proud of that, but that's the society we're in, Jimmy, thanks for bringing it up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not even I think Madonna, I mean, she's 55 years of age, she's got the body of a man half that age.
Madonna's actually She's 57.
I know that cos she's the same age as my mum.
And my mum has got a crush on you, so OK.
Cariad, you recently played Angela Merkel on Murder in Successville.
How did you get into character? Er, I moved to Berlin, I learned German, I joined the Christian Democratic Union, and then, Jimmy, I remembered YouTube existed, so I just YouTubed her videos until I found Angela.
Can we get a little burst of Angela? Well, she's quite serious, but in my head she's a little bit more fun, so she likes joking and Gummi Bears and skateboarding.
That's my Angela Merkel.
You know, she's cheery.
She's got a cat - do you want to stroke it? I think I do.
- Do you know the German for pregnant, do you know what it is? - Nein.
- Schwangerschaft! - Schwangerschaft! What a lovely word for a wonderful thing.
The German for ice skating is Schlittschuhlaufen.
- Shit-you-laughen? - Schlittschuhlaufen.
Shit-you-laughing? I've laughed a lot, but never actually shat myself.
- Have you not? - No.
Have you ever shat yourself laughing? This young man made me do it.
Do you remember that? Do you remember that? I When did you shit yourself laughing? We were at a private school, we were doing a gig, and he said something very funny, and my mouth liked it, and my arse did too.
And then I made you laugh and you were worried you were going to shit yourself.
We were in a right state.
But I didn't.
You won that day, but What were you doing in a private school? It's important the kids know what happens if you don't try hard at school.
That's where we came in, with our shitty pants.
I've remembered what happened now.
We were both laughing, and then I stopped laughing, and then he knew.
I think I looked at you and went, "I have.
What should I do?" And he was like, "You need to get to the bloody toilet! "You bastard, we're in a bloody school!" That's what I talk like.
It's a supernatural power that I have, and any of you who cross me this evening will be made to shit your pants What a member of the X-Men you'd be.
Russell.
Are you worried about letting Jon down? Jon does take this quite seriously.
Well, I've got a plan for that.
Um, if I do let Jon down, I've got some presents for him.
Because first of alloof! - .
.
I've got some lovely port.
- Oh, I do like port.
I know you do.
- Who likes port?! - Well, that's not all he likes.
When he used to get in one of his "funny moods", he used to go off, take a bottle of port, and watch Winnie-the-Pooh, didn't you, mate? - Watching Winnie-the-Pooh? - Oh, he loves it, don't you, Big Dog? Absolutely loves it.
It was that lovely quote, what was that quote you loved? "Get out of my fucking room"? It's when Piglet says, "How do you spell love, Winnie?" And Winnie goes, "You don't spell it - you feel it.
" Obviously he doesn't say it that creepily.
"You feel it!" Is Tommy Cooper playing Winnie-the-Pooh? What I'm trying to say, if I let Jon down, I've got presents for him.
OK.
So, Jon, you've recently had a baby.
How are you coping? It's horrific, I would say, yeah.
The really annoying thing people keep saying about the first few weeks, they keep saying it's like Groundhog Day.
But then in Groundhog Day, every night he goes to bed, and when he wakes up, everything's tidy again.
It's like Groundhog Day, but everything that's got shit on it when he goes to bed still has shit on it.
- In fact, there's more shit.
- You should be prepared for this, cos you've lived with Russell.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Cariad, have you got a mascot? Well, I am indeed pregnant.
I'm medically known as "heavily pregnant", which basically means just no-one wants to be in a room alone with me in case it comes out like an alien, so, you know.
- People are afraid, they're worried when they're on their own.
- Yeah.
I mean, it feels like it could It could arrive now, right? And this show, obviously it's quite stressful.
Last time I was here, I remembered I can't add up.
Genuinely what happened last time.
So I was a bit worried about being on the show, getting a bit stressed, so my mascot this week, I've asked My midwife is here.
So please welcome Magda, everybody.
This is Magda the midwife.
So yeah, Magda's just going to keep an eye on me, we're just going to check blood pressure as we go through.
Sorry, did Magda bring drugs? Yeah, I've got some gas and air.
So this is for the numbers round, cos that's my worst.
And, er, yeah, soI just felt like no-one here was medically qualified, and I felt like Jon might pressure me to get it out in 30 seconds, which me and my perineum do not want, so Are you doing a perineal massage? You can't start till 37 weeks.
You are fucking kidding me.
I was doing that shit for months.
Oh, mate.
She saw you coming.
Well, she did literally see you coming LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's good we've got Magda on standby.
Thank you very much, Magda the midwife! - OK.
David, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
My mascot is this book.
Um Peri-peri Chicken - A CIA Conspiracy? It's by Keith Chegwin.
It's not THE It's not the Keith Chegwin you'll be aware of.
He's a Labour peer.
Lord Chegwin.
And if you think about it, peri-peri chicken didn't exist at all for thousands and thousands of years, and then suddenly it's everywhere.
Why? I don't know if anyone's ever had any.
If you have, you'll know it's not because of what it tastes like.
No-one's asking for I mean, it's all right, it's palatable, but no-one's asking for that.
Nobody wants it.
- Can we let someone say that - If you're going to contradict me, you're part of the conspiracy.
It goes right to the top.
I don't know why they're doing it, but they've infiltrated our high streets with this completely unnecessary form of chicken.
We don't know what is on it.
It's called peri-peri, but that is not a thing - that we know the composition of.
- Well, it's just And it's changing our brains in various ways that we're not aware of and it could destroy civilisation as we know it.
Have you ever had a KFC? I have had a KFC, yes.
That's not peri-peri, that's fine, it's got nothing to do with the CIA.
Actually, Colonel Sanders is one of the people who funded this book.
Have you ever had a peri-peri chicken? I've had it once, but, I'm reliably informed, not enough for it to have had its effect.
Did you have the hot peri-peri, - or the medium, the mild? What do you? - What do you think? LAUGHTER Lemon and herb all the way.
OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Er, well, similar to David, really, I'm raising awareness this week of a new charity.
I would like to raise awareness of my new charity, the RSPCFlea.
So obviously all Ooh, the weight of this thing.
We've all been to the flea circuses, of course we have, where the fleas, they make millions of pounds for unscrupulous people - Millions! - The question is what happens to the fleas who aren't good enough to get in the circus.
And a lot of them end up in prostitution.
The lucky ones end up on a dog.
And that's saying something.
So I've set up a charity which accepts fleas who didn't make the grade for the circus.
This is one of my flea farms.
Just look at what these little guys are churning out.
Where are the fleas? Have you got them in there working like a little sweatshop? There's Gary.
And Neville, well, Neville's serving a time-out because he was smoking.
They do get nervy, they obviously don't like to be relocated, so they Gary's just had a little wee there.
They do sometimes They piss a bit when you take them out of the house, and I think it's just So you had a baby, and it's too much, and you've had a breakdown.
Yeah.
Yeah, have some port, take the edge off.
- Russell, have you got a mascot? - Um, yeah.
This is from July 1989, and it's Russell Howard: Best Improver.
- Best Improver? - Which basically means, "He doesn't drown no more.
" - Is it swimming? - Yeah, it is swimming.
That's a proper mascot on Countdown.
That's taking it seriously.
That's the kind of thing people bring in.
That was my initial idea, and then I thought, meh, seems a bit obvious.
- But again, I thought - Yeah, we get inundated with swimming medals that people got when they were seven.
I thought this would be more fun.
I've got my first presents for Jon's baby daughter, which isa little piano.
Are you saying she's going to be small cos I'm small? Genius idea.
That's a beautiful thing, and it also looks like it's going to be very loud.
CLANGING Morning, Dad! CLANGING Love you! PLAYS A TUNE - It's Countdown.
- Oh, the Countdown theme tune! Wow, you're one of those people who can just hear a tune and play it.
Yeah.
Listen again.
HE PLAYS THE THEME TUNE APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons! Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Sam has an unusual look.
He looks like the guy at the police press conference that everyone thought did it but it turns outhe did.
Sam, you've been in the UK a while now.
What have you learned about us Brits? I don't like you guys a lot.
But I've learned some fun facts, OK? So you know before you guys, like, kind of got cultured, like, before the Romans invaded, before that, you guys were just, like, eating sticks and mud.
What would happen during Roman times is that slaves, they used to have just one arm, they'd amputate one arm off a slave, and then when you saw that, you were like, "OK, we can use slaves in our silver service industry," so now when you get a glass of wine poured for you, and then the person puts their arm behind their back, they're actually pretending to be a Roman slave.
SILENCE Is that not true?! - I'd say it's horrifying, is what it is.
- It's true! I think it's actually a true thing.
If it's true, in Roman times all slaves had one arm? One arm because they were amputated because they'd be like, "You're a slave for life.
" - This is thousands of years before - Silver service! A triple! Not just silver service, but I'm talking about antiseptic and that sort of thing.
There would have been about a 4% survival rate.
Nah, they'd just burn it off.
Just like chop it off, burn it off.
Oh, just burn it off.
No! Most of them would die! Yeah, butthat's why they took so many slaves.
Let me explain what's happened here.
You've had a weird dream - .
.
and you've remembered it as fact.
- I'm almost positive this is true.
- Almost positive.
- Yeah.
- And we're all I think we're all agreed, not the case.
That's so weird.
I've never heard So why do they hide the arm behind their back to pour the wine? How do you want them to pour wine? Like this? "Get it down you, mate, have some fucking wine!" OK.
And with Sam, of course, is Susie Dent.
Susie lives a simple life and doesn't yearn for materialistic things.
In fact, most of her salary goes on books, potted plants, and treats for her pet dog.
The rest she spends on crack, male strippers, and replacing worn-out equipment in her sex dungeon.
What are the words people most frequently get wrong, Susie? One is "mischevious" instead of "mischievous".
People say "mischevious".
There's "ultimate" - ultimate actually means last, rather than, you know, the top.
- Ultimate means last? - Yeah.
So Jimmy would be the ultimate person I'd like to go out with.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! With her impressive qualifications in maths, science and physics, Rachel is very much like a modern-day Marie Curie, if Marie Curie had packed it all in to become a sidekick on a quiz show.
What's your biggest flaw? You're good at sport, you're good at maths - what's your big flaw? Well, I'm not much of a performer, as you've pointed out many times, - and I'm a terrible singer.
- Terrible singer? - Yeah.
I went with my friends once to this karaoke bar in France and there was a whole table of people in the middle, and during the first song, literally everybody left.
- What's your go-to karaoke? - That one, there were four of us and we all looked like we should be able to sing but none of us can do a note, and it was the Spice Girls - Wannabe.
- Sing a little blast? - Absolutely not.
Give it a go! I could be the backing pianist.
- Nobody wants that.
- # If you wanna be my lover # He's not musical, but he's confident, isn't he? OK.
Tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown spray-tan kit! OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
Time for the first game.
David and Cariad, you get the first pick of the letters.
Er, you go.
You say.
OK.
Er, can we start with a consonant, please? Start with S.
S, and then two vowels A O Er, two consonants.
R D Another two consonants, please.
N J And another two vowels.
And the last ones A and E.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
SLURPING OUT-OF-TIME STING HE BURPS APPLAUSE So, David, how many letters? Five.
Cariad.
Five, I'm not sure it's a word.
Jon, how many? Seven.
- Oh! - Russell, how many? - Er, six.
- OK.
Cariad, your risky five? NOSER NOSER There's a normal nose, and then there's some people have a NOSER.
Nono.
I'd better have some snacks.
David, what was your non-risky five? Well, I got READS, ROADS and JEANS.
Russell.
I've got DRONES.
- D-R-O-N-E-S.
- Good! Jon, your seven.
JASONED - JASONED? - He JASONED the shit out of that Technicolour dreamcoat.
LAUGHTER Kylie got JASONED early doors.
I can see where you're coming from, because joshed is in there, but JASONED isn't, I'm afraid.
Sorry.
OK.
Six points to Russell! There you go.
It's an excellent start.
Sam, Susie, could they have done better? Yeah.
ARENAS, DRAINS, SOARED - - just loads of sixes.
- OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Russell are in the lead with six points! On to our first numbers round.
Jon and Russell, your turn to pick.
I'd like you to pick the numbers, Russell, but as me.
Save the fleas! Er, Rachel.
Can I have whatever you want to get? IMITATES FARTING - I'm being you.
- Oh, I see! Rachel, one big and five small, please.
- One big one, five little ones.
- Yep.
We've got 4, 10, 1, 6 and 2, and the big one, 25.
Oh, Christ.
Target 960.
OK.
And your time starts now.
Jon, what's going on? Well, Neville has failed again.
And they're all dead.
You try and do a good thing for a community that's been beleaguered Do you know what? Fuck fleas.
OK, so your target was 960.
Cariad, did you get that? I gave up at 41.
- I just thought - You got to 41? - I'm so number dyslexic that I struggled to write them down.
They started all moving, so I thought, you know what? Let's just kick back, have some gas and air David, did you get it? - I might have got it.
- What?! But I might not.
What? OK, we'll come back to you in a second.
If you come back to me in about three minutes, then it'll be sorted.
OK, Russell, did you get it? See, what happened, right I wrote down 25 x 10 = and that was as far as I got.
So Jon, you've got it, yeah? I've got it.
- How did you get it, David? - I think it's 25 - 1.
- Yep.
- Have I got there? Not yet, not yet.
X 4.
= 96, x 10.
Yeah, 960, well done.
He's a genius! That's amazing! Jon's got it and he hasn't even written anything down.
Yeah, but I usually go last, so I just wait for someone else to get it and then I say I did that.
Did you get it? - I did get it, yes.
- OK, well, that's good enough for me.
Ten points to both teams! So the scores at the moment, David and Cariad have 10, Jon and Russell are in the lead with 16.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are POO FORTS, the clue is "climb up and enjoy the view.
" That's POO FORTS, "climb up and enjoy the view.
" See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were POO FORTS, the clue was - climb up and enjoy the view.
It was, of course, ROOFTOPS.
So, Jon and Russell are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Jon.
So, Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I just, briefly, tell my favourite story of Jon? When I came home, I just done a gig, and I heard this noise.
I opened the door and I just heard, "Ehhh" LAUGHTER So I opened the door and, do you remember this? You were climbing up the stairs just using your arms.
And I said, "What are you doing?" And you went, "Argh!" And you said, "I was seeing what it would be like to climb upstairs if I had no legs.
" LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Do you remember that? Oh It was the noise.
I knew I was onto something.
"Ehhh Ehh" Consonant, please.
S And a vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
Ah! I've got one! Consonant, please.
G Vowel, please.
U Consonant, please.
M Vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
H I've got a really good one if you say it with a lisp.
A final consonant, please.
And a final W.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Make an arachnid the size of a fat kid.
APPLAUSE Jon, how many? - Seven.
- DAVID: Oh David, how many? Fewer than seven.
OK, who's going to break it to Russell that he's not playing this bit? Oh, shit, am I not? LAUGHTER No, go on, what was the lispy word? I was going to try MOISTH.
Sort of takes the Because it's quite a horrible word, isn't it? Sort of, moist, but if you think MOISTH "Are you MOISTH?" doesn't sound as threatening as "Are you moist?" Why are you threatening people with "Are you moist?" I don't know why I'm not even in this round! How often do you think people actually say, "Are you moist?" David, how many letters? - Five.
- What is it? - WHIST.
- OK.
Jon, what was your word? It's something you hear a lot in old people's homes Get out! LAUGHTER What are you doing in here dressed as Death? GUMSHOW.
You know, like when the old men are trying to impress the old women, they go, "Two tickets to the GUMSHOW.
" I'm not sure that's a word.
GUMSHOW is a word, yes? - Gumshoe, not GUMSHOW.
- Ohh! - OK, five points to David.
- Yay! APPLAUSE Well done.
See? Susie, could they have done any better? - MUGSHOT.
MUGSHOT.
- MUGSHOT.
- It's there for seven.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Cariad have 15.
Jon and Russell are just in the lead with 16.
APPLAUSE Right, onto another numbers round.
Cariad, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'll have one big one and then the requisite amount of smaller ones.
Thank you, Cariad.
One big one, five little ones.
- That's the numbers.
- Hang on, is this me and Cariad? This is everyone.
Because if it was you and Cariad, eh Yeah, I was going to say! I mean, no offence to either of you.
It's lovely to have you on the show, but I imagine you versus Cariad, it would just be, "Did anyone get it?" No.
Rachel, do some maths.
I was just thinking, it would be lovely if you had your baby tonight.
- Yeah, it would be.
- Specifically to Da-da, da-da, da-la-da-da WAH! If it popped on that bit and then even though I can't add up, - I can create life, so - Yes.
OK, the numbers 9, 4 - God.
- 8 - Sweet Jesus.
5, 10 and 50.
OK, 50.
I'll write that down.
And the target, 107.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 107.
- Cariad, did you get it? - I think I did.
- You think you did? OK.
Huge.
- But I might be wrong.
- David, did you get it? - No.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
Oh, quiet a smug yes.
Sorry.
Yeah! LAUGHTER Russell.
- Did you get it? - Nope.
What did you get? - How did you do? - Just talk you through Shall we have a laugh at my? I just saw, multiplied by 10 equals 1,300.
- Cariad, how did you do it? - I'm so nervous.
Like, I feel like it's going to induce the baby because I've done maths and this has not ever happened in my life.
But 9 x 10 9 x 10 = 90 90 + 8 90 + 8 = 98 98 + 4 98 + 4 = 102 102 + 5 - 102 + 5 = 107 - CHEERING Yes! Yes! Well done.
Jon, did you do it the same way? 4 x 10 = 40 40 + 50 + 8 + 9 Lovely.
Same result.
- Well done.
- Well, 10 points each.
- Well done.
- Well done! That's literally never happened before.
OK, so David and Cariad have 25.
Jon and Russell have 26.
APPLAUSE Right, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Sam Simmonds, what have you got for us? OK, well, I've realised that none of us really have real jobs.
Like, no-one's done a real job for years.
So what I'd like to do is recreate a work environment like an office kind of thing, but I'm going to do like an improvised musical kind of like a shit Mike Leigh.
OK? So, you'll be hole punch.
You can be in charge of, you can have the fluorescent marker.
- You can have a ruler.
- Thank you.
You can have another ruler.
And you've got a fluoro as well.
Jimmy, you've got nothing.
CARIAD: I felt David was sad when you got a ruler.
- You've got this.
At some point I will come to you.
- OK.
All right, so this is a musical about what I would think would typically happen in any office all over the country.
Let's go.
CHEERFUL MUSIC # I walked into my workplace # And I sat down at my desk # I said good morning to Jimmy # Good morning! # We talked about the weekend # He stole some money # Staring at a stapler # Clicking on a click pen # Thinking 'bout the sandwich I am going to have for lunch # Then I dropped my pen # It rolled underneath the copier # Hope I get it back or I'll have to get a new one # Now I need a new pen # Hope I get a good one Sandwich, Jimmy, click pen, new one This is going so well! # I went to visit Rachel # Cos she's in charge of the pens # Explained my pen situation # I dropped it # Then she gave me a new pen # Yeah! # I just got a new pen # It's a clicky four one New pen, Rachel, click pen, yeah! It's a big finish.
There's a really big finish.
# I've got a # Clicky new Pen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
- Sam Simmonds, everyone.
- Thank you.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TOSS TIME.
The clue is - always gets me wet.
That's TOSS TIME - always gets me wet.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were TOSS TIME.
The clue was - always gets me wet.
It was, of course, Moistest.
Before we get on with the game, time for a bonus round.
Jon and Russell, you used to be flatmates, so tonight we're going to test just how much they know about each other.
John and Russell, make your way to the podium for our version of Mr and Mrs - it's Mr and Mr! APPLAUSE The kind of telly I should be making.
I'm going to move you there and you there.
OK, I'm going to ask Jon some questions.
Russell, you're going to have ear protectors on so you won't be able to hear what he answers and then you'll have to answer and tell me whathe said.
- OK.
- If you get most of your answers right, your team gets the points, but if you get most of them wrong, the points go to David and Cariad, so a lot at stake.
This could really make a difference.
So you just pop these on and go and sit by Rachel.
You look amazing.
Here we go.
Jon, when you lived in a flat with Russell, what was the worst thing you ever did to your flatmates? That would be the time that I got so tired of cleaning the flat that while they were out, I tidied the flat and then left them an itemised bill for my time at minimum wage.
I didn't want to overcharge the guys, but they learnt this shit doesn't happen for free.
What's the most unusual thing about your body? Someone's touched it.
My chest hair is sort of roughly heart-shaped.
JIMMY SNORTS Is this your match.
com profile we're listening to? That will do for weirdness.
I also have a little mole just in there.
- Can we see that? - Boop! - There is a little mole.
- People really hate it because they go "you've got a bit of chocolate, and I go, "No, it's a mole," and they go, "Urgh" - I can see why, it's really gross.
- Horrible, isn't it? So what are we going to go for, the chest hair? - The chest hair, yeah.
- Weird chest hair.
And you shave it like that? It just grew like that, I'm like a sort of Care Bear.
Last question, when you lived with Russell, what was his most annoying habit? Well, undoubtedly, he's got a thing for teaspoons.
He likes to burrow them away as if there's going to come some sort of apocalypse and teaspoons will be the only currency and he will be king of all the world.
His most annoying habit is that he flosses the skin in between the toes of his feet with his socks in the front room.
You can sort of see it, you know like when you turn a snow globe upside down.
All right, time to get Russell back.
Russell, come back over.
APPLAUSE OK, Russell.
Here's the first question.
When you guys lived together, what was the worst thing Jon did to his flatmates? What do you think he said? Oh, he, I'll tell you what he did do once, he tidied up the flat and then he charged us for it! Is the right answer! APPLAUSE OK, what's the most unusual thing about Jon's tiny little body? He's got weird chest hair.
Really odd chest hair.
What's weird about his chest hair? I can't remember.
It's something to do What is it? Let's have a look.
Proper, come on.
This is like Brokeback Mountain now.
Can I see? Oh! He is like a little Care Bear.
That's it, he's like a little Care Bear.
We'll give you that.
He has chest hair in the shape of sort of a heart.
When Jon lived with you, what was your most annoying habit? Oh, I tell you what it might be.
I should point out, I don't do this any more.
Is it that then? I don't know.
Whatever you're about to say, you still do.
I used to scratch my feet with socks and Jon didn't like it.
Nobody liked it! The house wasn't split down the middle! He'd get the toes like that and then he'd get the sock and go I'll be honest, when I was doing it, I suffered very badly from athlete's foot.
That's why I was doing it.
Oh, yeah, it wasn't for fun! It was to get rotten skin off his feet onto the carpet of the living room.
OK, you got all of those right so you get five points for that.
APPLAUSE Thank you for playing Mr and Mr! OK, On with the game.
David and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two consonants to start with, please.
- Thanks, David.
T, C.
And then two vowels.
A E Three more consonants! Jesus Christ! B R S One of each now, a vowel and a consonant, whichever way round you want.
I and P.
And your time starts now.
- So, David, how many letters? - I think six.
Cariad, how many letters? - I think six as well.
- Russell, how many? Six! - Jon? - I think an eight but I don't think it is an eight but I've written it down and now I can't not say it.
OK, all right, so, Cariad, what was your six? Well, I think it might be a common six, BREAST.
I've gone BREAST.
David, your six.
BREAST.
So we've got two breasts, they do come in pairs.
- Russell.
- I went for Braise.
OK, Jon, what was your risky eight? Well, CRAPIEST, but I think it's probably double P.
Yeah, double P.
Six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Sam, Suzie, what could they have had? ARSEPIC.
It's like a reverse selfie.
Just put the camera down there and take an ARSEPIC.
Do you want the pen-cam? The pen-cam? Don't give him the pen-cam now.
- Is that real, does it work? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
No, no! No! We can't unsee it.
Let's do this! APPLAUSE That pen was designed for doing close-ups of a dictionary decades ago.
You might as well use the royal coach to go dogging.
APPLAUSE "Come on, Your Majesty, Pull the horses into a lay-by.
" Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there was CARPETS for seven or PRACTISE for eight.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
Sam, what have you got for us? I've got to put on my jumper first.
OK Let's pull this out here.
And that's it, I'm done.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
Sam Simmons.
That's it, that's all I'm doing.
- Is there more? - No.
There's no more to it? You can't do it otherwise you'd have a jumper on.
I've also got like a random collection of bad thoughts.
'Not very good thoughts.
'This cheese grater.
' It's pretty great.
Not so great.
'Not very good thoughts.
'Pine cones.
' I reckon pine cones are just like Lego for poor people.
'Not very good thoughts.
'This magical koala's arsehole.
' It's where capsicums come from.
'Not very good thoughts.
'That time I put a Bounty on my head.
' Don't shoot.
Don't shoot! 'Not very good thoughts.
'This man with reindeer hooves for hands trying to pick out a new paint colour for hiskitchen.
' 'Not very good thoughts.
'Posh people.
' You know posh people, they are all like, "Ra-ra-ra, Regatta, "bring me a mulligatawny," and they're always wearing pastel shirts with their collarup, you know that pastel shirt, collar up look? You know what you can do with them? If you point them north into the sun, you can use their collar like a sundial on their shoulder and then you can tell it's the time for those posh people tofuck off.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, everyone.
OK, so at the end of that David and Cariad have 31, Jon and Russell have 37.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are TAKEN BUM, the clue is - bagsy on top.
That's TAKEN BUM - bagsy on top.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TAKEN BUM, the clue was, "bagsy on top.
" It was, of course, BUNKMATE.
OK, time for our final letters game.
John and Russel, your turn to choose the letters.
John, I'd like you to choose them in the style of me, please.
IMPERSONATES RUSSELL: You know they letters? I wouldn't half like nine of 'em.
Christ, I'll have a letter.
What's the one that's like B? - C? - I'll have a C.
- Knock yourself out.
- Right.
I did that once.
Too fast on my bike, hit a lamppost.
Knocked myself out.
- L.
- L, all right, then.
L for lady.
And we'll have a vowel.
E.
Yeah, LE.
That's French, that.
I done a bit of French.
That's as far as I got in French.
Um, consonant, please.
K.
You been up the new, um LAUGHTER Been up Cribbs Causeway lately? - Can't say that I have.
- Oh, it's murder at Christmas.
I'll have another consonant.
I don't like K.
N.
- N, I like.
That's good.
Go on.
Keep going.
- All right.
- No-one really cares any more, do they? - O.
- Another consonant.
- If you just look at Russell, it's like it's his thoughts.
That's actually, that's a word up there, anyway.
That's French for "the knot.
" Uh, consonant, please.
F A vowel, please.
A Uh, one left, is it? You pick.
G OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
BAND PLAY COUNTDOWN MUSIC LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Uh, David, how many? - Five.
- Cariad? - Five.
John? - Six.
- Russel? - Four.
Your four.
Um, TANK.
OK, Cariad, your five? Uh, TOKEN or TAKEN, either one.
All right, David, your five.
GLOA - What's your six, John? - Now, it's one of those words that I've heard - girls use when I - "Get out!" - Well, just heard them use it.
Don't worry about it, happens all the time.
JOHN: It's a girl's word.
ANKLET.
- ANKLET.
- SUSIE: Very good.
OK, six points to John.
APPLAUSE Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? FANKLE.
Like fat ankle.
It's not a fat ankle! No, it's when something gets entangled.
- Oh, I thought it meant fat ankle! - That's a cankle.
- And TANGELO.
- TANGELO.
- What does that mean, Sam? - It's like a mandarin fruit.
Yeah! OK, so, David and Cariad have 31, John and Russell have 43.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time startsnow.
LAUGHTER BUZZER MIGHTIEST.
Three seconds in, let's have a look.
He's only gone and bloody done it! APPLAUSE Three seconds in! So the final scores are David and Cariad have 31, John and Russell have 53! APPLAUSE Congratulations, John and Russell.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown spray-tan kit! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!