Everybody Loves Raymond s09e07 Episode Script

- Hey, cutie.
- What? Nothing.
You're just cute.
What do you want? Okay, l screwed up.
You know how my mom is coming for Thanksgiving? - Yeah.
- Well, last night l sort of invited my father too.
What are you doing? They're divorced.
You can't invite them to the same place anymore.
They legally agreed to not like each other.
lt was an accident.
He told me he was gonna be in Madagascar for Thanksgiving, so just to be nice, you know, l said, ''Oh, it's too bad you can't come too.
We're gonna miss you.
'' And then last night, he called and said he put the whole trip of and he's coming.
Oh, why are you nice?! l know, but your mom said that my mom can stay at your house, and the kids'll stay in one room.
My dad'll take our room-- Whoa.
You gave your dad my bed? The man sleeps naked and spoons the pillow.
l'll get the pillow outta there.
Get the man outta there.
He's got a bad back.
He needs the firm mattress.
l'm sorry, Ray.
What can l do? Look, they're coming, and we just have to both sufer through it.
Yeah, by ''we'' you mean me and my pillow.
And by the way, you knew about this last night, and all l get is, ''Hey, cutie''? What do you want? Yeah.
l'm just saying, this took five minutes, that takes three.
So, R-R-Raymond how's everything in el mundo de los deportes? What? The world of the sports.
Ha.
Good.
lt's good, good.
Okay, l'm gonna go help the el wife-o el What are you doing? Don't leave me like that.
lt's going well, huh? l thought it was gonna be tense, but it's not tense.
l was a little bit nervous, but l think l'm fine.
Yeah, you're doing fine.
Yeah, well, l'm glad it worked out this way with both of them being here.
- l think it's gonna be fun.
- Get my pillow.
You got anything in here l can poison myself with? Listen, l know l'm big, but where can l hide? This stinks.
l thought those two were gonna duke it out all weekend.
Uh, nope.
They get along great.
l say they're faking it.
lf l weren't loving these chips so much, l'd go back in and poke a few holes in their phony happy-divorce crap.
What am l saying? l can do both.
No no no, Dad, come on.
Look, l already lost my bed.
l don't need an angry wife.
So please, do me a favor-- don't be horrible today.
lt's my Thanksgiving too.
Listen, Ray's right, Dad, okay? Don't cause any trouble unless it'll get the mean outta your system, and then you can be extra nice tomorrow when Amy's parents come.
l can't predict these things.
What was that, huh? What are you doing telling him to be mean today? Hey, listen, l still have a chance with Amy's parents.
Your family's already shot to hell.
Gosh, Daddy, Madagascar sounds great.
l've been dying to go.
Well, seeing as how you two are so chummy, maybe Warren'll take you with him.
No, thank you.
No more traveling with Warren.
He spends all of his time looking at his tip conversion chart.
You two took some amazing trips together.
Yeah, that sounds peachy.
Warren, what about Al, Al, the ladies' pal? - Dad.
- What's that, Frank? ''Al E.
Mony.
'' That's gotta be a big bite outta your ass, huh? That's enough.
Yeah, Frank, why are you being so--? Shh.
Mean tonight, nice tomorrow.
lt's okay, Deb.
Frank knows that your mother and l have reached a point where we can laugh about our divorce.
That's right.
We're fine with it.
l just think it's wonderful that you two are able to focus on the positive and not waste any time worrying about eternal damnation.
Ma! Why don't we call it a night? l have a lot to get ready for tomorrow's dinner.
Yes, and l should work on my just-in-case turkey.
All right.
Good night, everybody.
Debra, l'll see you in the morning.
Bye-bye.
- Get the mean out of your system? - Nope.
Looking forward to seeing Amy's parents tomorrow.
Well, l guess l'd better pack it in too.
Thanks, Raymond, for lending me your bed.
- Ha ha.
Good night, Daddy.
- Good night, sweetie.
Gets a little chilly up there-- in case you want to borrow a pair of PJs.
No, l'm fine au naturel.
Besides, my body's like a furnace.
Well, you know what they say-- it's not Thanksgiving till you got a sweat old man in your bed.
You know, your parents are unbelievable.
Al E.
Mony? ls your father insane? Your mother always bringing up hell, as if creating it all around her isn't enough.
Your parents seemed to handle everything pretty good.
- They seemed fine with everything.
- lt was just an act.
They're trying to make the best of an awkward situation.
You should be happy.
Their divorce is better than my parents' marriage.
l should be happy? l should be happy that after 41 years of marriage my parents can just laugh and laugh about how they're never gonna be together again? Yeah, Ray, l'm so happy.
Listen, Ray, l'm sorry about going all crazy before.
Well, l didn't notice.
l guess l just always thought that my parents, you know, maybe But l guess you're right.
lf they're happy with the way things are, then l should be fine with it too.
Yeah? Yeah, l'm fine.
Good.
You're definitely all right? Yeah.
So it's okay to ask where my pillow is? - Oh, yeah, l forgot it.
- Ah.
Your father's probably all over it by now.
You know what? l think he's still up.
l heard him brushing his teeth a few minutes ago.
Oh, God.
l gotta get it before he makes it into a thigh sandwich.
Oh, Warren, you're so impatient.
Was he naked? l'm sorry, sweetie.
You know what? l'll go get it.
No! - Ray.
- You can't go near there.
What are you talking about? Just sleep now.
What is wrong with you? He and your mother are getting it on! - What? - lt was horrible.
She was all-- and he was all-- Are you sure they were doing that? Why don't you ask the hairs on my neck? You know, l knew it.
l could tell that there was something between them.
Yes! My pillow! She must've snuck over here.
- How cute is that? - lt's not cute.
Listen, you don't understand.
You don't understand 'cause your parents are still married.
l understand that.
No no, you take it for granted.
These are my parents, and it really hurt when they got divorced.
That's why this is so great.
- Where are you going? - To say hi.
Are you crazy, woman? Well, all right, maybe you're right.
lt might be embarrassing.
And it'll burn your retinas.
Okay, all right then.
We'll just pretend that we didn't see anything.
Okay okay.
l don't know that l can.
Buenos dias, todos.
Morning, Daddy.
- You sure slept late.
- Yeah, that is some bed.
Okay.
Where are the kids? They in the yard? All right, l'm gonna go see if they're smoking.
Good morning, Raymond.
Hi, l'm gonna go out and play with the kids.
- You don't have any shoes on.
- No, okay, l don't.
Well, come have breakfast with us.
l'm not gonna be hungry for a very long time.
- Good morning, Debra.
- Hi, Mom.
- Good morning, Warren.
- Good morning, Lois.
How was everything across the street last night? Oh, fine.
l had a wonderful sleep.
How about you? Great.
l feel like a new man.
These two have a terrific mattress.
l'll have to try it out sometime.
What's the matter, Raymond? Oh, nothing, no.
l just-- l had a bad bad dream last night.
Okay, eggs for Mom, eggs for Dad.
- Eggs for Mom and Dad.
- Thanks, honey bunny.
lt sure is good to see you two so hungry again.
- What's that, dear? - Okay, nothing.
Listen, l have to go borrow Marie's roasting pan, so l'll be back in a minute.
Everybody behave themselves.
Oh my God, do you think she knows? Raymond l don't know.
l don't know anything.
Just eat your eggs.
They know.
They heard us.
l told you to keep it down.
Okay, all right.
Okay, l'm gonna go.
l'm gonna go but, uh don't worry.
Everything's fine.
Debra just-- she's happy that you two guys are back together, so Happy Thanksgiving, and if l don't see you, Merry Christmas.
- Raymond, wait.
- God.
l think there's been a misinterpretation.
Yeah, Ray, we're not getting back together.
Yeah, but you guys were That doesn't mean we're back together.
So that was just - Sex.
- Aaah.
But Debra thinks it's something more? Yeah, she does.
Oh, dear.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Maybe Debra's right.
How do you know that what happened last night wasn't the start of you two guys getting back together? Well, to tell you the truth, last night wasn't the first time.
You guys gotta get a Scrabble board.
All right, well, l mean, let's just think this out.
You guys, you're getting along pretty good in every department.
So why not just slap a couple of fresh ''l dos'' on there, and make this the best Thanksgiving ever? Raymond, we're not in love.
Love.
Pssh.
We have to talk to her.
l guess l'd better get dressed.
Would you bring down my earrings? l left them on the bedside table.
- l didn't see them.
- Well, they're there.
No, l specifically remember not seeing earrings on the bedside table.
How can a person specifically remember not seeing something? l'll get them myself.
Fine, but they're not there.
Oh, for God's sake.
Not in love? Come on.
- Here we are.
- Oh, hey, Deb, - and everybody else.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Debra said she needed my roasting pan, which l've recognized was a cry for help.
Don't worry, l can salvage this meal.
Come on, Dad, pregame's on.
Sorry, Deb.
No, listen, you know what? lt's great that everybody's together, 'cause that's what Thanksgiving's all about-- families being together.
Did you have a drink today already? No, but you know what? l want to toast my parents at dinner tonight.
Where is that bottle of champagne we forgot to give Robert and Amy - for their wedding? - l don't know, but why don't you talk to your parents first? - Maybe they're not into being toasted.
- l want it to be a surprise.
- Ah, here it is.
l don't think you should make a big deal out of this.
- Why not? - Well, all right, listen.
Your parents-- they're not getting back together.
What are you talking about? You saw them.
Yeah, l did, and l still see them every time l blink.
But they told me that this was just like a casual rendezvous.
You mean, they're just A couple of horn dogs.
Yeah, sorry.
l gotta go talk to them.
What happened? She just found out that her parents are still divorced.
l thought it might have something to do with Lois sneaking out of our house last night in her bathrobe.
And she didn't get back till 4:00 a.
m.
l remember, 'cause that's my third pee.
No.
Nah, it was just-- Warren's back was hurting and Lois came by to help.
That's all.
Oh, come on! - They're doing it again! - What? Oh my God.
lt's like spring break up there.
l knew it.
Debra, Debra.
Are you getting back together again or not? - Well, no, but-- - But what, what? lf you're not getting back together, what the hell are you doing? Hello.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Mom, Dad.
Sweetheart, you don't have to be married to have sex.
ln fact, nothing has freed us to explore our sexualit more than our divorce.
We're rehearsing for a local musical.
Mom.
Dad.
Please don't go.
lt's a musical.
We've got a part for you.
l gotta say, Warren, you played this one right.
All the baggin', none of the naggin'.
All right, all right, Dad, please.
Debra, we are so sorry.
We certainly didn't mean to hurt you.
l don't think you were thinking of me at all, or anybody else for that matter-- you sneaking around up there; poor Ray walks in and sees you.
You saw us? No, just, uh-- just-- just an arm and a foot and a little bit of bottom.
How long has this been going on, huh? Did you celebrate the signing of your divorce papers - with a quick roll in the hay? - No, sweetheart.
lt's just that when you spend half your life with someone, and then they're not there anymore, sometimes it gets lonely.
Then you lose your control of your urges and you do unspeakable things.
Okay, Marie.
So you don't like each other enough to stay married, but you have no problem getting together for all of that.
l don't know what to say, other than l guess getting together like that every once in a while just makes us happy.
lf we all just did things that made us happy, this world would be a terrible place.
All right, Marie.
You know, l'm not thrilled that my parents are standing in my living room in our sheets, but they're still my parents.
What am l supposed to say to them-- ''l want you to be miserable for the rest of your lives, like some people''? l'm sure l don't know what you're talking about.
l do.
l-l-l just wish things were diferent between the two of you.
But l do want you to be happy.
How about this little girl of ours, huh? l sure know what l'm thankful for this year.
Yeah yeah.
How about you go put some clothes on? Okay.
And buy a Scrabble board.
l don't care what the part is.
l do not want to be in that musical.