Futurama s09e07 Episode Script

1
[low tone playing]
[animals chirping]
[Thus Spoke Zarathustra
by Richard Strauss playing]
[snoring]
[grunting]
[fanfare]
[curious grunting]
[sniffing]
[slurps]
[swishing]
♪
[excited chattering]
[primates chattering, slurping excitedly]
[zooming]
[finale plays]
[theme song playing]
♪
First up on today's agenda
[slurps] Ahh.
[doorbell rings]
- Singing hologram for Hermes Conrad.
- Ooh, fun!
[strums note]
[holograms harmonize]
[string snaps]
Aw, rats. I'll just say it.
Your father's on his deathbed in Jamaica.
[all gasp]
Oh, no!
Oh yeah ♪
[mug shatters]
[Bender clapping]
Once more from the top!
♪
[ship whooshing]
I can't believe it. I didn't
even know my father was alive!
But not for much longer.
Sorry about your pops, Pops.
I didn't realize you had a pops.
I never mentioned him
because he was a terrible man!
Haven't seen him since I was four.
♪
A hurricane swept Jamaica
with a pressure drop so low,
it destroyed my father's barometer store.
[whirring]
- How low can it go?
- Not this low!
[glass breaking]
[springs boinging]
HERMES: It was our last night
together as a family.
We need money to rebuild,
and they say
a man can make a good living
- doing weird stuff in the jungle.
- Not the jungle, Daddy!
There's green snakeses in there!
Oh, there's green snakes
in lots of things!
But I'll be home soon, son.
[melancholy music playing]
[door shuts]
But the miserable cruff never
did come back. He abandoned us!
They say he went off into the woods
to grow some exotic crop.
Exotic Jamaican crop?
It could be anything.
Step on it, Leela!
We got to get there fast,
so I can tell him
I hate him before he dies.
♪
Sure, I know your daddy.
He run a growin' operation
up in the Blue Mountains.
[quietly]
I hope it's pumpkins.
I'm scoring a few kilos
from the man today.
Come now.
I'm gon' take you there.
[ominous music playing]
[tires squeal]
[brakes hiss, squeal]
Coffee? He's growing coffee?
Best in the Blue Mountains.
What'd you tink he was growing?
Uh, pumpkins.
Medicinal pumpkins.
[gate creaking]
[coughing]
[gasps] The crops are all burnt!
[dramatic sting]
It is not like Badrick
to let this happen.
He treats those beans
like they were his own children.
[scoffs] I'd say much better
than his own children.
[dramatic music playing]
[labored breathing]
[angry footsteps]
There you are, ya low-down
licky-licky harbor shark!
- Now, listen to me
- I-Is that you, son?
Hang on.
I gotta put my hearing aids in.
[grunting]
Now, listen to me, ya low-down
licky-licky harbor shark!
And turn them on.
[mic feedback]
Okay, ya low-down licky-licky et cetera!
- Now see here!
- I need to see something?
Wait, lemme find my glasses.
[glasses clicking]
[sighs]
Are you ready?!
Can I rip you a new one yet?
Oops, these my reading glasses.
- Is there something I'll have to read?
- Yeah, my lips!
Mm, then I need my regular glasses.
[glasses clicking]
[gasps] I can see you now, son.
You look awful.
Dad, there are things I've needed
to say to you for a long time.
Ever since that day you walked
out on us all those years ago.
What kind of man abandons his only son?!
What kind of man leaves his family
to fend for themselves?!
I'll tell you what kind!
[choking, gasping]
[death rattle]
[steel drums playing upbeat melody]
Though I and I never saw
eye-to-eye with him and him,
I daren't not speak ill of the dead.
So that's all I got.
[upbeat steel drums resume]
[crying]
I always get so sad
when I hear steel drums.
40% steel, baby!
Now, to honor Badrick's
last cuckoo banana wishes,
he gon' be buried in a burlap coffee sack.
[Fry grunting]
[body sliding, thumping]
[Hermes grunting]
[Fry grunts]
[credenza splinters]
[mysterious music playing]
[Hermes and Professor grunting]
Thanks for your help, Professor.
To be honest,
you've been more of a father to me
than he ever was.
I feel the same way.
You've been a father to me.
[body thudding]
HERMES: Let's bury him here,
between the outhouse and the pigsty.
Good thing I always carry
my pocket grave digger.
At my age, you never know
when you'll need it.
[whirring]
[metal clanging]
[mysterious music playing]
[both gasp]
[squelch, clank]
[mysterious music playing]
It's some kind of
mysterious buried hatch.
[hatch creaks]
- Should we go in?
- No, let's wait until I'm older.
Of course, we should go in!
[metallic footsteps]
♪
Sweet UFO of Tupelo!
It's a spaceship!
And not of this earth.
It must have come
from space!
[dramatic sting]
Look at the size of that engine!
And these would be fuel lines.
[slurping]
Coffee?
A ship fueled by coffee?
- Amazing!
- More amazing than the fact
you licked the drippings
off an alien rocket pipe?
I think not.
♪
What are these weird cylinders?
And those weird signs?
Stop calling everything weird.
You should get out more.
I'll just use my trusty hand translator.
[clicking, whirring]
Ethiopia
[whirring]
Indonesia
[whirring]
Brazil?
All of the world's most important
sandal-wearing cultures.
Yes, but also the world's
most important coffee producers.
[whirring]
[gasping] Jamaica!
And somehow,
it's full of fresh-picked beans!
[whirring]
Not that fresh.
According to my pocket carbon dater,
they're 5 million years old.
They predate human civilization!
Five million-year-old coffee?
If you come across their half-and-half,
don't open it.
[ominous music playing]
Ah, lifeless alien bodies.
That's probably an important
piece of the puzzle.
[straining]
[shrieks]
- [slurping] Coffee?
- Stop tasting stuff!
[sniffing]
There's coffee in these mugs, too!
[sips]
Mm! It's actually quite good.
You drank it? Gross!
[slurps]
Still rich in flavor after all these y
[slurred groaning]
[psychedelic music playing]
Eh, what's going on?!
I'm seeing every color
of the coffee rainbow!
Me, too!
It's a double mocha hallucaccino!
♪
[gurgling]
Now, what's happening?
[gasps] Did they come back to life?
No way, man. We're just
whacked out of our gourds.
It's like a vision of what went down
5 million years ago. Dig?
[slurping]
Helmsman, set a course
for planet Kl'zank.
- [whirring] That means Earth.
- The empty glass cylinders!
They must have come here
to steal our coffee!
[beeping]
We weren't stealing it.
We brought it to your planet
as a great gift!
- Oh. Sorry.
- No need to apologize.
We've been dead millions of years
and can't hear you.
[mysterious music playing]
We came from planet Thermose,
a world of steaming brown beauty,
where the sacred java plant
blooms each morning.
And don't talk to us before then.
[thunder cracking]
Hot rain filters through the blooms
to produce the sacred coffee
which flows to the sea,
source of all life.
The coffee goosed along our development.
We skipped right past
the age of dinosaurs.
Didn't need it.
Blessed by the bean,
we made it our mission
to spread the sacrament of coffee
throughout the galaxy.
Look! It's Kl'zank!
Our first destination
on your planet was Ethiopia,
where we delivered coffee
to the ancestors of man.
Fascinating.
Do you make decaf, too?
We're aliens, not perverts!
Coffee would trigger huge
advances wherever it appeared.
The pyramids.
The Industrial Revolution.
[steam whistling, cup breaks]
The Boston Tea Party,
the first and only good use of tea.
Pfft! Tea.
♪
CAPTAIN: Finally, we headed for
the Blue Mountains of Jamaica
to plant the most potent beans of all.
[beans rattle]
This coffee would inspire the final
stage of humanity's development,
allowing you to reach undreamt-of
heights in the arts and sciences.
- Even choreography?
- Especially choreography!
But tragedy derailed our mission.
[hissing]
[screaming]
[alarm blaring]
[creaking, banging]
Mayday! Mayday!
Coffee crotch!
[dramatic music playing]
[screaming]
[birds chirping]
CAPTAIN: Thus, mankind
was deprived of our final gift
and never reached its full potential.
That was astonishing!
We've got to tell everyone
the entire story!
The loose coffee cup lid,
and all the other stuff, too!
No, Professor!
We can't tell anyone
what we saw or heard or drank here.
- People will think we're crazy.
- Crazier!
[crazed laugh]
♪
[thudding]
For you, Dad. Sorry it's cold,
but that's how you serve revenge.
[laughing]
Oh, wait! You liked iced coffee!
What heights humanity might have
reached with the power of this brew.
If only those aliens had lived
to plant the beans.
Maybe we could plant them.
- We're alive.
- Oh, you flatter me.
And the beans are still down there.
It's up to us to complete
their noble mission.
For humanity!
[coffee sloshes]
♪
Ah, there you are.
I'm so glad ya buried
the hatchet with your daddy.
That way, if he's still alive,
he can hack his way out.
- Now, let's go home.
- Uh, yes. You should go,
but, uh, I'm staying here
to rebuild the farm.
[all gasp]
- Dad?
- Husband! What do you know about coffee?
It take you an hour to make instant.
Zing!
Are ya really going to abandon
your boy the way your father did?
This is more important than you know,
but I'll be home soon, son.
That's a good, non-crazy idea, Hermes.
And we're all going to help!
We're a coffee company now!
We are? Don't we, like,
deliver things, or something?
Indeed we do.
We deliver the world's best coffee,
or our name isn't
Planet Espresso!
[triumphant music playing]
[ship roaring away]
[curious music playing]
[ground cracking]
[dramatic sting]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
Ugh, are the beans ready, Bender?
I got a lot of orders here.
[beans rattling]
Bite my shiny metal roaster.
You can't rush Bender's Bendy Blend!
Light, medium, and
Bendissimo!
Excuse me. Little service, please.
Sorry, Mr. MacLachlan.
Here's your usual.
Ah That's a damn fine bath of coffee.
Outta my ways, Kwisatz Haderachses.
- Whoa!
- Fill'ers up, coffee jerk.
Um, hello?
Today, I'm all about fun!
Meaning a half-caf,
teeny-weeny-mocha-cheenie
with a plop-top of froth foam.
And do not even think
of whipping that dollop!
- I won't.
- Are you sure?
'Cause you look like a dollop whipper.
[insects chirping]
[claws clipping]
Look at me harvest! I've got
the energy of 10 fiddler crabs!
[slurping]
It's this miracle coffee!
Ever since I started drinking it,
I haven't had to sleep.
Which gives me more time
to drink coffee. [slurps]
[Zoidberg whooping]
[snipping]
[indistinct chatter]
[vehicles whirring]
I asked for lukewarm coffee, but
this is barely room temperature!
[sizzles]
Ow! It's almost boiling!
- What room is that temperature?
- This one, sugarpuss,
'cause you're heating it up right now.
When do you get off work?
I don't.
I work 24 hours a day, somehow.
[slurps]
I'm heres for my frees refill.
Yeah, well, today's a new day,
so it's a new coffee at full price.
If it's my faults the Earth rotates,
then it's the Earth's faults
I did thises!
Yow!
[coffeepot shatters]
That's it! I've had it!
I'm going on strike with
all the other employees.
Who's with me?
Fry, you dolt.
You're the only employee.
The rest of us are management.
Not me, baby. I'm equipment.
What we really have here
is an employee problem.
I say we managers strike
until Fry learns to
work better and cheaper.
- Yeah!
- Right on!
- What she said!
- Yup.
STRIKERS:
Hey, hey! Woo, woo!
Who will tell you what to do?
Hey, hey! Woo, woo!
Who will tell you what to do?
Alright, fine.
I'll accept worse working conditions.
But, in return, I expect lower pay.
Much lower!
[door slams]
[somber music playing]
LaBARBARA [on phone]:
Poor little Dwight.
He can't understand why you're gone.
Last night, he asked
if you're having an affair.
It was the first good laugh
we've had since ya left.
[both laughing]
[sighs] If I told you the details,
you'd call me crazy.
All I can say is it's about
the future of mankind.
That was more than enough detail
to call you crazy.
I'm sorry, LaBarbara, but I got to go.
I'm meeting with the shareholders,
and you're not a shareholder.
We share a child!
Yes, yes, but nothing of value.
[phone beeps]
[sips]
[birds chirping]
Business is booming, people!
Our one cafe can't keep up
with the demand!
We'll either have to open
a second location,
or start poisoning our customers.
Oh, no. I'm not learning
how to make any new drinks.
How can we afford a second location?
Irish cream syrup alone is $400 a barrel.
[door opens] How about a
silent but deadly partner?
[all gasp]
You're thinking too small.
You don't need a second location.
- You need 10,000!
- Mother always aims for the sky.
SONS: Ow!
When I had you,
I should have aimed for the trash!
Explain your plan without hittin' me.
We'll put franchises everywhere.
They'll spread across the world
like steaming hot acne.
This is it, Hermes!
With Mom's help,
our coffee will bring civilization
to the next level!
Plus, we can all go back to our families.
[poignant music playing]
HERMES: I do miss them.
But why did I frame that photo?
We'll get the whole world addicted,
and that's when we jack up
the profit margin
by mixing in cheap trash beans.
[Hermes gasps]
Over my almost dead body!
Who's gonna taste the difference?
You burn the beans enough,
it's like drinking
caffeinated cigar ashes.
Understand this.
We will triple-never, double-ever,
- disrespect this coffee!
- Get out!
And take your dirty,
sexy money with you!
[grunts]
[pained wail]
[dramatic music playing]
[ships roaring]
[snipping]
We'll stick with the plan.
No one messes with my shrubs.
[curious sting]
Weird.
This one looks almost like my father.
Zoidberg! You doing topiary?
ZOIDBERG: Nope-iary!
BADRICK:
Quit pluckin' my beans, son.
[screams]
You scared o' shrubs?!
I really was a bad fatha'.
[mysterious music playing]
D-D-Dad?
Have you come back to life?
Or am I trippin' beans?!
The coffee done brought me
back to life, son.
That's the kinda stuff coffee do.
But hear me now
'cause I don't want
you to end up like me.
I'm nothing like you!
I made a success of this place
- after you let it burn to the ground.
- I didn't let it burn!
- I set fire to it myself.
- Then you're a fool!
You never knew what
you were growing here.
Of course, I knew, ya dingdong!
I drank the space coffee.
I saw the space vision.
I didn't have a TV,
so I'd watch it over and over.
[laughs]
My favorite part is where they
Spilled the coffee?
I mean, get a cup holder!
[both laugh]
They were dingdongs, aight.
But I was a dingdong, too.
Too late, I realized I'd wasted my life.
- Wasted? How?
- I became obsessed with the farm.
I was working for
the good of all humanity,
except my own family.
There's only one growing season
for a father and son,
and I missed it.
[sniffles] Oh, Dad.
All this time, I've been
holding on to my hatred,
filing it deep in a mental
filing cabinet marked "revenge."
But now [sniffles],
all I want to say to you is
[snipping]
[gasps]
I'm good at this!
[gentle music playing]
Why won't Pops come home?
Did I do something to disappoint him?
Plenty, but that's not
the reason. [door opens]
The reason is I was a dingdong.
- Pops!
- My dingdong husband!
[heartfelt music playing]
I am so, so sorry.
You both mean more to me
than all the talking shrubs
and prehistoric space aliens in
Jamaica. Can you ever forgive me?
Come on in.
I'll make you some coffee.
Oh God, no!
I've had enough coffee for
the rest of my entire
morning!
Eh, I guess I could have a little.
♪
Sorry.
I ain'ts had my coffees today.
Owses!
Well, that's that. I sold off
the whole coffee estate to Mom.
I'm sure she's in Jamaica right now,
adulterating those beautiful beans
and counting her money.
[bills fanning]
[slurps]
You couldn't be more partially wrong.
[all gasp]
I already re-sold the whole crap-load
for a butt-truck of ass cash.
Resold it? To who?
Who knows?
A bunch of rich coffee snobs.
[slurps]
I know it was hard
to sell the farm, husband,
but your daddy, oh, he would be proud.
I'm sure he's smiling
down on you right now.
I'm sure he is.
Come here, Son.
Um, Pops, aren't I a little old
to be sittin' on your lap?
And heavy, too.
But stay just a little longer.
[intense music playing]
[leaves rustling]
Harvest, harvest, harvest!
Coffee break! [slurps]
[uneasy music playing]
[ship rumbling]
[thud]
[dramatic crescendo]
It's been five million years.
Has mankind undergone
the great transition?
- Uh, almost?
- Excellent.
Deploy the habitat!
[dark music playing]
Thanks to the holy bean,
humanity will soon be elevated
to its final subjugation.
[dramatic sting]
- Oh, okay.
- Sounds good.
Freed from the shackles of sleep,
they shall serve us nonstop!
All
How many hours are there on this planet?
- Twenty-four.
- That's all?!
Fine. Twenty-four hours a day,
toiling in our fields, foaming our lattes,
and never, ever sleeping,
for all eternity!
[all laugh maniacally]
[ominous music playing]
[laughter continues]
[dramatic crescendo]
[dramatic sting]