Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e07 Episode Script

Tonight on "Last Comic Standing" Sometimes I go to the gym and I just point at what I'ma do next week.
The Top Ten pair off and square off in our head-to-head round.
First head-to-head matchup our judges have chosen.
It's terrifying when you're going up against someone individually.
Only five will survive and advance to the title round.
Judges, give us your verdict.
Find out who will compete for $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the host of "Last Comic Standing" Anthony Jeselnik.
Thank you, and welcome to "Last Comic Standing.
" I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik.
This is our head-to-head round, which means our final ten comics will pair off and then square off against each other in a comedy duel.
It's like the movie "Gladiator" except better because nobody has to work with Russell Crowe.
Now after each matchup the judges will pick a winner.
And by the end of the show only five comics will be left standing.
Those five will compete next week for $250,000 and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Now, please, say hello to our three legendary comedy judges, Keenen Ivory Wayans, Roseanne Barr, and Norm Macdonald.
Thank you, Anthony.
Our first head-to-head matchup, as determined by our judges, is Michael Palascak against Taylor Tomlinson.
Can we just, like, Rock, Paper, Scissors? One, two, three.
Yes.
I'm a little nervous to go against Michael.
Mostly 'cause he's so well dressed.
Like a Gap ad.
We're modeling, right? We're modeling against each other? I'm so close to being in the Final Five.
I feel so nervous.
Tonight, I'm gonna bring out my best jokes.
Which also are my favorite jokes.
Hopefully, people laugh.
Here's our first comic of the night.
Please welcome Michael Palascak.
Whoo! I started at quarterback on my high school football team as a sophomore.
And we lost one football game that season My mom was like, Michael, what did you learn? And I was like, I learned that seven times 12 equals 84.
When I went to college one of my friends was an R.
A.
One time he was like, Michael, did you know the most common song for a college student to commit suicide to is "Free Bird.
" Wow.
That must take forever.
You could die of natural causes trying to kill yourself.
After college, I lived at home with my parents for a while.
The only time I felt bad asking my parents for money is if they're already asleep.
Yeah, yep.
I'm like, "Wake up, Mom and Dad.
I ordered pizza for you guys.
" "Michael, it's 1:00 in the morning.
" "Okay, I'll eat it.
" Grew up in a religious household.
When my brothers or I would do something wrong when we were kids that's when it would come out.
My mom would be like, who broke the fish bowl? , Mary, and Joseph.
My brother would be like, "Wow, we should go tell her it was us.
" I'd be like, "No, we're not one of the top three suspects.
We're not even in the lineup right now.
"Jesus died for our sins.
He won't mind taking the heat on a fishbowl.
" Thank you! Michael Palascak, ya'll.
It's obviously that much more terrifying when you're going up against someone individually.
And Michael's very funny, so I'm very scared.
Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson.
Hey! Hi, had a rough week, I got pulled over, for, drunk driving.
Completely sober.
Which is one way to find out you're a terrible driver.
When people are literally flagging you down on the highway like, "Hey, are you wasted?" "No, officer, that was me trying.
" But I'd never been pulled over before 'cause I don't drink, I don't do drugs.
Like, somebody offered me weed in college once, and they were like, "Taylor, just try it, okay? It will open your eyes.
" I'm like, "Your eyes are half closed.
" I'm trying to be healthier.
My brain doesn't work like that, though.
I asked a friend of mine, she's very health conscious, I asked her what her favorite foods were the other day.
She told me cranberries, blueberries, and almonds.
I was like, those are ingredients.
She's one of those gym rat people, you know? She works out so hard.
She talks about her abs like they're her children.
It's like, dude, I love my abs too.
That's why I have this protective layer.
Standards of beauty now for women are honestly so high.
Like, have you been to a Victoria's Secret recently? I get in there, I feel like a mutant, you guys.
I get less and less attractive the farther I get into that store.
I turn into Quasimodo, people.
I develop a limp.
My back hunches over.
"I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.
" All the way back to Old Navy.
Where that creepy mannequin family's up front.
Just like, "Welcome back, potato face.
" Thank you very much.
Taylor Tomlinson, ya'll.
And keep it going for Michael Palascak, yes.
Keenen, let's put Michael and Taylor aside for a moment.
Shawn or Marlon, head-to-head, who do you love more? What did you think about Michael's and Taylor's performances tonight? You guys, I thought were literally neck and neck.
And I don't feel like either one of you blew the other one off the stage.
Okay.
Taylor, there was more of you to learn about tonight than before.
And, Michael, I thin k you had a great set, and I liked the way you built it.
- Thanks.
- Norm.
How do you feel about these guys? In golf tournaments Saturday is referred to as moving day.
That's the day when the real positioning begins.
And the real competitors step up.
Michael, you've been doing stand-up 11 years.
Taylor, you've been doing it five years.
And here is where I see the difference.
And I see that the experience, um, stepped up, like, incredibly.
I gotta ask, what did that have to do with golf, at all? Because in golf, on moving day, the champions make a move.
Okay, here's the hard part.
Judges, give us your verdict.
Norm, in your eyes, who won and should move on to the Final Five? It surprised me, but I really like Michael's set and I think he had the superior set by far.
Norm is going with Michael.
Roseanne, who do you think should move on? - Taylor.
- All right.
Keenen, you're the tie breaker.
The difference for me was that Michael's set went as planned.
Where Taylor, there were moments where it looked like it was gonna get away from you.
But you buckled down and you held on to the audience.
And for the second half, you kept them on the ride with you.
I feel that it was just a little more experience that gave him the edge tonight, so I'm gonna go with Michael.
Congratulations to Michael Palascak, but show your appreciation for Taylor.
Make some noise.
Being in the Top Five is just amazing.
I never thought I mean, obviously you want to and you think, but really? Probably wouldn't even have to go to hospital to have a seven pound baby, would you? Just walk into your front yard Pfft! You have to put a good face when you have sex.
This is my face right here.
And then The producers said in my ear, "Yes, you're right, Roseanne.
" You guys would not be clapping if you knew Roseanne does not wear an earpiece.
Welcome back "Last Comic Standing.
" I'm your host, Anthony Jeselnik.
All right, let's keep the show rolling along with another throw down.
Our judges have picked Francisco Ramos and Ian Bagg.
I thought I would have to go against the Asian comic.
His name is Sheng.
Sorry.
I'm a little bit surprised that they paired us up.
Let's just pick the big one and the Latino one together.
Ha, the big one and the Latino one.
That should be our show.
I'm excited.
Adrenaline nervous.
Ian Bagg does great crowd work.
So, I just gotta do what I do and see what happens.
Please welcome Francisco Ramos.
Yeah! So, it's confusing to me when Latinos pretend they don't know Spanish when clearly they don't know English.
'Cause the other day, I went to Baja Fresh, and the lady who was working there, obviously English was her second language.
So, I ordered in Spanish to make it easier.
I was like She was like, "Excuse me, sir, but I don't speak Spanish, okay?" Okay, Maria.
Can I get a chicken burrito, please? She's like, "Of course.
" I used to live with my girlfriend.
And the hardest thing was sharing the shower, man.
'Cause when I was single, by myself, I didn't have anything in my shower.
I only had one giant bottle of shampoo, that I bought in 2008.
It cost me 79¢.
And you can use it on horses too.
She moved in, 25 bottles of shampoo, conditioner.
It was like taking a shower in the middle of Walgreens.
I'm like, what aisle is this? My shower was clean.
I only had my giant bottle of shampoo.
She moved in, hairs in the wall of the shower.
I never been taking a shower in my life and then, all of a sudden, a hair falls off my head, I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna put it in the wall.
And my girlfriend, she would make weird faces when we had sex.
First time we did it, she's like, I'm like, "My God, she's the devil.
" I was throwing holy water at her like, "May the power of God compel you.
" You have to put a good face when you have sex.
This is my face, right here.
It's a great face.
With this face, everybody's having fun.
Look.
That's my time guys.
My name's Francisco Ramos.
Thank you guys very much.
Francisco Ramos, everyone.
Keep it going for Francisco Ramos.
I'm about to go do stand-up for the third time on the show.
I may get voted off.
I may go home.
I may get to stay another day.
We'll find out.
Please welcome Ian Bagg.
Hi, there, how are ya? Thanks for coming out.
You guys look nice.
Some of the girls wearing my favorite outfit.
I love the old high heels and shorts.
My God, I love that.
Says so much about a woman.
It says, "I'm going to the prom, but there could be a barbecue.
" "What if there's corn at this event? Get my eating shorts!" Young crowd.
Any parents here? Any parents? Yeah, some lady in China the other day had a baby with three arms.
My God, they're always one step ahead of us.
Probably making shoes and toys right now as we speak.
Yeah, meanwhile, American babies at home, sleeping, sucking on a boob.
That's why we're losing, people.
Gotta get our babies jobs.
Who's had the I gotta ask a question.
Who's had the biggest baby here? Nobody knows.
How big is sir, you can't play this.
I apologize.
Any ladies out how big was you baby about Roseanne, how big was your baby? - Ten pounds.
- Ten pounds, My God.
Thanks for even coming out tonight.
Can you laugh at these jokes without peeing a little bit? There a little bit of a dribble every time you giggle? I am very impressed with my sister.
Had a baby, seven pounds.
You probably wouldn't even have to go to hospital to have a seven pound baby.
Would you? Just walk into your front yard Pfft! Flick it over the fence.
Have a cat lick it clean.
Take it home and raise that baby.
All right, I went too far there, I apologize.
Should never have a cat lick a baby clean.
What was I thinking? Always have a puppy lick a baby clean.
Cats have those crazy tongues.
Give a kid waffle-skin for six weeks.
I had one lady at one show, She had a 12 1/2 pound baby.
Now, let me tell you right now, the vagina just does not snap back.
How do I know? It was a windy night.
Yeah, after she left the show it sounded like a didgeridoo from Australia coming down the street.
All you could hear was You guys have been a lot of fun.
Thanks a lot.
Ian Bagg, everybody.
Ian Bagg.
Let's get Francisco out here.
Now, Roseanne, give us a strong opinion about Francisco and Ian's performances.
Both were funnier than hell.
You wanna back it up with proof or examples or Well, they told us not to say till the end.
- You could still give like - What? You could still give part of an opinion.
But they said don't say.
Well, I'm telling you differently.
See, they're saying in my ear, "Yes, you're right, Roseanne.
" From the producers.
So, eff you, Anthony.
You're not You guys would not be clapping if you knew Roseanne does not wear an earpiece.
What you're laughing at now is a real issue.
Keenan, what'd you think about Ian and Francisco? Well, I felt like one guy came out and did his set.
And another guy came out and just had fun.
And I think that made a big difference.
Norm.
I would say that it's a situation of, um, talent versus funny.
One person is ten times as talented as the other person and the inverse is also true.
Well, at this point only one question remains.
Judges, I need an answer from you.
Norm, you had the whole commercial break to think about it.
So you have no excuses for the unfocused rambling answer you are about to give.
Whoo! Who do you think prevailed and should advance to the Final Five? Francisco Ramos or Ian Bagg? When I was a teenager, I played hockey I, as all Canadians, had a dream of becoming the greatest hockey player who ever lived.
And one day, my coach told me, he said, "I can teach you how to make a slap shot.
"I can teach you how to win a face off.
What I cannot teach is speed.
" Francisco, you cannot learn funny.
It's impossible.
You're very very talented.
You're gonna be a big star.
Ian, you don't have any talents outside of being funny.
Correct.
But that's all you need, 'cause it's so rare.
The rest can all be learned, so, I vote Ian.
Keenan.
Ian came out here and he stepped outside of that stage.
He talked to the audience.
He talked to the people at home.
He brought everybody into his world, and made them laugh.
And so, I choose Ian Bagg.
Right.
Roseanne, I hate to say it, we don't even need you.
I pick Ian Bagg! Congratulations to Ian Bagg and Francisco Ramos.
Give it up one last time for both those guys.
Had themselves a hell of a ride.
I'm in the Top Five.
You know what that means? I get to do another show.
That means a lot to me.
It means a heck of a lot.
Will I be the Last Comic Standing? Who knows? I think I'll be a comic that's standing.
All right, in our third head-to-head, the all-powerful judges have decided to pick Sheng Wang against Dominique.
Who's funnier between me and Sheng? Me.
I think Dominique's funnier I don't know You're supposed to say yourself.
I'm funnier.
I'm feeling good, but Dominique is a great comedian.
Guess we're both strong black women.
I just gotta remember that it's just one show, in front of a great audience, and I'm trying to stay calm.
Please welcome Sheng Wang.
Sheng Wang! My parents are immigrants from Taiwan.
I think immigration is crazy.
'Cause I could never do that.
I mean, can you imagine leaving home.
You leave your friends, your family.
You leave everything you knew.
You move to a completely foreign country just so your offspring have more opportunities.
And then, your kid goes into stand-up comedy.
Whoo! They don't even know what stand-up comedy is.
They tell their friends I'm kinda like a clown with words.
I really appreciate their sacrifices, I do.
You know, that's why I moved to New York, to really push myself.
I live in Chinatown because that's where they assigned me.
I'm joking.
Most of you laughed.
That's good.
Some of you guys like, "Yeah, that makes sense.
" It's a tough place to live.
Did you know that every time you renew your lease in New York City the rent goes up.
Every time.
Most other smaller towns or whatever, landlords will give you a couple years to step up your life.
New York landlords like, "I'm gonna give you one year to get 10% better.
" I feel like I'm in New York City trying to make my landlord proud.
It's weird.
It's weird, I don't know him.
But I want him t o see me shine.
Yeah, I do.
One day.
I'm gonna buy him a house.
You guys have been very fun.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Sheng Wang, everybody.
Keep it going for Sheng.
I always put my money on myself, you know.
Especially when it comes to comedy.
So, you know, we gonna duke it out and then we gonna leave it all out there and let the judge decide.
Please welcome Dominique.
How you doing? I don't believe in being unhappy.
That's why I don't pay credit card bills and stuff like that no more.
You gotta be happy or you'll end up bitter.
You'll end up like my uncle, a old bitter man.
And he mean too, he real mean.
He was so mean, when he died the family ain't even put a outfit on him.
They dressed him in a wife-beater T-shirt and sweatpants.
I've never went to the casket laughing.
I was walking to the casket, I said, "What the hell is going on?" I looked at my cousin, I said, "Y'all wrong for this right here.
" He looked bad.
He had tape on his glasses and everything.
And he looked like he wanted to say something but he couldn't, you know? And, I mean, my uncle was a big man too.
He was like 6'6".
They ain't even get him no big casket.
They just stuffed him in the regular sized casket.
So, when you walked up to him he wasn't even laying flat.
He was laying at a angle.
He looked like a Heisman Trophy laid up in that casket like that.
Had his leg up.
I said, this don't make no sense right here.
That's why I try to stay happy.
And I try to stay healthy.
You know, that's why I go to the gym.
You know, I try to go to the gym.
I do, but every time I get dressed to go to the gym I get tired.
I said, this is wrong.
I got the whole outfit and everything.
And sometimes I go to the gym and I just point at what I'ma do when I come back next week.
I just walk around and say, I'ma do that.
I'ma do that.
I'ma do that.
And one of the guys at the gym said, well, how come you not getting on anything? I said, 'cause I'm dizzy.
And it said don't ride if you dizzy.
But next week, I'ma tear ya'll up on this treadmill.
I'm Dominique.
You were excellent, ladies and gentlemen.
Dominique.
Make her feel good.
And keep it going for Sheng.
Roseanne.
Both great.
I'm really stressed, you know, what the I'm actually feeling the same stress as Roseanne.
Because nobody stuttered, nobody dropped the ball.
They both had great sets.
So, this is gonna be a tough decision.
You both have great futures in comedy.
That much is very transparent.
And, you both have your characters strong.
There they could be used in so many different ways.
So, you'll be around a long time.
Judges, it's time to do the nasty.
Those lights mean tension.
Now, Keenen, I'm gonna start with you.
Who'd you like between Sheng and Dominique? Because it was so even, I had to go with who had the funniest one joke between them.
Buying your landlord a house was the was the joke.
So I picked Sheng.
Roseanne, Who do you like between Dominique and Sheng? I picked Dominique 'cause she rocked it.
Thank you.
We down to Norm.
The jokes, to me, were on a similar level.
Very, very good jokes.
So, if you could think of it almost like a singer/songwriter, then as song writers, you would be equal.
So then, you go to the singers, and who performed their own material the best.
And, by a very very small margin I choose Dominique.
Dominique.
Congratulations Dominique.
But make a lot of noise for Sheng Wang.
He did himself proud.
Whoo! It was tight.
Hopefully next week they'll be saying my name one more time and I can get that fat check and ride into the sunset.
And let's kick it into a gear no one's ever heard of before with our fourth matchup of the night.
Andy Erikson against Ryan Conner.
Don't do that.
Who's funnier? I guess we'll see.
It's gonna be fun going against Andy.
She's been talking a lot of trash.
You picked the wrong girl.
Guess we'll take this to the head-to-head battle dome.
I wanna win so bad.
I'm willing to say unicorns are dumb to win.
And I do not believe that.
Please welcome Andy Erikson.
Do you guys like political jokes? Good, okay.
I don't really like politics.
I don't even really like the government.
You know what I think? Okay, I just wish the left wing and the right wing could get along.
You know, there always like, left wing, right wing, rar rar.
They're always fighting.
Don't they realize it takes two wings to fly.
Right? Yeah.
Two wings working together.
Isn't that beautiful? Right? Who cares if one of those wings is on welfare? You know.
"Help me, help me!" You know.
And the other wing is made out of one of Jesus' arms.
And it's holding a gun.
- You know? - Whoo.
So that's my understanding of politics.
Um, man.
You guys, I saw a tree hugger today.
Hugging a tree.
And I was like, "Get a room," you know.
"Or I'll build one for you out of your friends.
" I was talking to one of my nerdy friends and he asked me a super nerdy question.
He was like, "Hey, what's your favorite element?" I'm like, "I don't know.
" He's like, "Come on, what's your favorite element?" So, I punched him in the face.
I was like, the element of surprise! Thanks, guys.
Andy Erikson, everybody.
Make her feel good.
Way to go, Andy.
For the head-to-head round, I'm about to do the full set on one topic.
It's darker and somewhat rougher.
So we'll do it and see if the crowd likes it.
And now, please welcome Ryan Conner.
Whoo! I have the same name as a female porn star.
So if you Google me the first result is always like, "You'll be amazed as Ryan Conner takes two guys at once.
" And my mom saw that, and it was before she knew I was a comic.
And she's not gonna click on it to find out if it's me or not, 'cause no mother's gonna gamble on seeing her son take two guys at once.
So she assumes it's me and she calls me one night, panicked.
She's like, "Ryan, I-I just found out what you've been doing at night, and I don't approve.
" Like, "What do you mean you don't approve? I've finally found something I'm good at.
" "This is something I really enjoy doing, like I wish you'd get behind me on this" Which I didn't realize how that sounded.
Then I was like, "How did you not see this coming when I've been into it ever since I was a little kid?" And then, she's like, "How would I know?" And I was like, "You used to buy me the videos.
" And she doesn't know what to do with that, so, she just yells, "I always thought "The Karate Kid was about karate! I didn't know.
" And I'm like, "What're you talking about?" And she's like, "Maybe if it's best if you tell me what you're talking about.
" And I said, "I'm a comic.
You know that, right?" And she's like," that's a little better.
" Whoo.
All right, thanks guys.
Ryan Conner, everybody.
Let's bring Andy back out here.
Hey - Hey.
Norm, what'd ya think about these guys? In my opinion, both, stumbled.
Ryan stumbled by having too much faith in his two guys at once joke.
And just going too long.
- And then, Andy - Yeah.
That was very impressive up to one point when you started talking about the right wing and the left wing.
This is not your wheelhouse.
You're a cartoon.
You're above such temporal things.
Okay.
I disagree with Norm.
I liked the fact that within this character that you were doing, that you weren't just a cartoon.
That there was some real intelligence.
But, Ryan, I felt like the material you chose, though funny, wasn't in line with who you are, based on what I had seen prior.
Kay.
Roseanne.
What'd you think about Andy and Ryan? It was really tough to choose, 'cause they're just two different kinds of comedy.
But you both are very talented.
Okay.
Judges, it's time to pick a winner.
Roseanne, who do you think won and should move on to the Final Five? I pick Andy.
She kept in her same character as she's brought the other times.
And I feel like Ryan took a big left turn and then, you know, you brought all the taking it up the butt with two guys.
Okay, glad I asked.
Norm, what did you think? Andy, I think your comedic instincts found themselves just in time to get my vote.
Okay, that's two for Andy.
Keenen, I'm pretty sure your opinion doesn't matter at all right now.
Andy, you stepped up your game tonight.
I tried.
Congratulations to Andy, everybody.
But show a lot of love to Ryan who fought the good fight.
- Good job guys.
- Congratulations.
I can't stress enough how wrong you are to still be standing here.
- I'm lucky.
- You have to leave.
I'll take your job.
No, I'm just kidding.
No, you could not do this.
- Yes I could.
- Is there anything I can do to just get you to leave the stage? Was I supposed to? - Yeah, a while ago.
- Okay.
Holy buckets, I'm moving on to the Final Five.
Welcome back "Last Comic Standing.
" Let's cut right to the chase and get to our fifth and final matchup of the night.
Our judges have chosen Clayton English and Joe List.
I'm gonna be really disappointed if I don't move on.
I mean, I think I'm the funniest person ever.
Least that's what my mother's told me.
Um, your mother actually texted me one time and said she secretly thought I was funnier.
Um but You didn't meet her on Tinder, did you? - No.
No.
- Okay.
All right.
It was JDate.
I'm ready.
I know Joe's got some heat, but I'm going first, so I can set the tone.
It's time to get it.
Please welcome Clayton English.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Cereal, that's my favorite food.
When I was a kid, cereal let me know we was broke.
Yeah, 'cause you go to the cereal aisle and they line up all the cereal characters looking at the kids.
Like, who you gonna get? They posing on the box and you like, "Okay, cool.
" You know, I'ma reach for the one I like.
And you reach for it, and then your mom's like, "-put that back.
Get those.
" Those? That's not what I want.
That's at the bottom.
This is Fruit Toasted O's.
That's not a real cereal.
There's not even a cartoon character on the bag.
There's a dude that work at the store sweeping up.
We got the last bag one time.
The last bag of Fruit Toasted O's.
It was crushed up into a fine powder.
We went home with two kilos of Fruit Toasted O's.
We at the breakfast table like, "I don't need no milk, Mama.
" Whoo! It's dope! Whoo! I don't wanna be broke anymore, I'm tired of it.
I don't even like listening to rap music anymore.
It makes you feel horrible about your situation.
The rappers talk about what's going on in they life with no regard for what you going through.
I just blew $100,000 You like, that's nice.
I just overdrafted my bank account.
Is there a song for that? You ever overdrafted your bank account, then you gotta call them and act like you don't know how numbers work? Yes.
There appears to be a problem.
Yes, a negative sign in front of all my money.
Okay.
All right.
So, as soon as I give you that, I can go back to zero.
Okay.
All right.
That's fine.
A rapper in Atlanta got arrested in a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
That's a million dollar car and you get arrested? In a million dollar car? Your car didn't do anything? For a million dollars, my car better break in two like the Batmobile and take them on separate chases.
A propeller should pop out the top and float me safely home.
For a million dollars, all I should hear is, "Autobots, roll out.
" Let's go! Get them! Shoot the lasers.
Let's do it.
That's my time.
Clayton English.
Appreciate ya'll.
Clayton English, everybody.
Wow! I feel really good about my set.
I think it's a good set.
All right, Joe, you ready? Um, I wanna win bad, you know? 'Cause winning is good and losing is a bummer.
And now it's time to introduce Clayton's opponent.
Please welcome Joe List.
Whoo! Kids make me nervous.
I don't have any, but they make me nervous.
I like kids.
I just wouldn't want to own one.
It seems like a lot of work.
I do like hanging out with kids, though, 'cause you can always make them laugh.
That's what's nice.
Adults can be very difficult, but kids If you wanna make a kid laugh all you have to do is guess the kids age, but you guess five years higher than you know they are.
They lose their mind.
You walk up to a five-year-old, what're you? 10? 12? You get your license? You married? The kids like,.
That joke does not work with adults, at all.
You know? Can't walk up to a woman, what're you? Divorced? "Get outta here!" I read an article online recently.
It said sometimes if a baby is crying, it could be as little a thing as the baby has an itch, but doesn't have the capacity to scratch it 'cause it's, like, a dumb itchy baby.
So, if you're ever around a crying baby, just scratch the hell out of that thing.
That's what I do.
I'm like, I got this one, everybody, I read an article recently.
I scratch him up and my sister's like, "Why is the baby all red?" I'm like, "He's probably emotional that somebody figured out what was wrong with him.
" And she's like, "He's bleeding.
" I'm like, "Well, he was crying pretty hard.
I had to get in there and" People always feed their baby if it's crying.
That usually works, but that does not necessarily mean that it wasn't itchy.
You know? If I had an itch that I couldn't reach and somebody put their breast in my mouth I'd be like, well, forget about that itch.
Hey, yeah.
It's a lot of work having kids.
I know it is.
'Cause people with kids try to get me directly involved with their kids, without asking my permission first.
I was at a supermarket the other day, this woman was pushing a baby carriage, the baby was crying.
She yelled at it, "You better stop crying.
You're bothering this nice young man right here.
" And then points at me.
Now I'm just involved in disciplining a child I don't know.
I was like, "You're actually not bothering me at all.
"You're bothering your mother and she's bothering me.
That's what's actually happening.
" You guys are great.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
- Joe List.
- Thanks a lot.
Keep it going for Clayton English.
Now, Keenen, I'm gonna start with you because, well, Norm and Roseanne are crazy.
What did you think about Clayton and Joe's performances? Clayton, you come out.
You break a smile.
Immediately they're there and you treat this spot like it's prime time.
Appreciate it.
And then, Joe, you came out.
You took your spot.
You controlled the room.
You had great jokes.
I mean, you made it tough.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Clayton, you just bring the fire - and it comes from your gut out.
- Thanks.
Joe, you're very impressive too.
Like Keenen says, I agree.
You really bloomed tonight.
Thank you.
All right, Norm, it's down to you.
I think that either one of you could win this competition.
But we have in Clayton, like, an incredible performer.
And the jokes are good.
In Joe, we have a master writer and a good performer also.
I really feel sorry for one of you guys that ain't gonna make it.
All right, now the hard part.
Judges, give us your verdict.
I blew the tension.
I'll start with you, Norm.
I think either of you guys could have won Last Comic Standing, but I had to vote for somebody.
I voted for Joe.
Thank you.
Keenen, who do you think should be going on? I don't think either one of these guys losing tonight is gonna change the fact that they're both gonna be stars tomorrow.
Appreciate it.
With that said, I'm gonna have to go with Clayton.
Okay, Roseanne, you're the tie breaker here.
Who's moving on and who's gonna puke? Clayton.
All right.
Congratulations, Clayton.
Congratulations to Clayton, but keep it going for Joe.
What a hell of a run.
One more time for Clayton English and Joe List It still hasn't sunk in, but yeah, the Top five, dead or alive.
Hopefully alive though.
So, let's do it.
Let's hear it one more time for Clayton English, Michael Palascak, Andy Erikson, Dominique, and Ian Bagg.
That's a good lineup.
Hope you tune in next week when we crown our champion.
Don't forget to visit NBC.
com for details on the "Last Comic Standing" Tour featuring the Final Five comics.