My Family (2000) s09e07 Episode Script

(Inhales) What now? - You, sir, are an abomination.
- Really? Well, you're an American.
- I've never been so insulted.
- I see.
You should get out more.
Do you treat all your patients like this? Like what? I came here because this surgery is part of the Cavitex chain.
I expected their usual high standard of customer service.
Well, let me tell you something about Cavitex, shall I, my dear? They are the dental equivalent of a fast-food service.
It's a matter of time before they have me selling super-sized fillings out of a drive-thru wearing a paper hat.
Being American, I suppose that would appeal to you.
Is there a complaints form? No, sorry.
Ran out of those the week they arrived.
I can see why.
You are a disgrace to your profession.
That's so kind.
Thank you so much.
Enjoy your Cavitex smile.
Ah, good.
Ben.
Ben.
There's a woman coming in.
She works for Cavitex.
She's an American and she's pretending to be a patient to evaluate us.
So be really, really, really nice to her.
Oh! I am so glad I caught you in time.
What? It's Mr Griffiths' way of evaluating all Cavitex employees.
Listen, you box of frogs.
When did you find this out? About three hours ago.
There was this bird on the ledge building a nest.
I became mesmerised.
Roger, come here.
- Hug? - Nope.
Yeah, I miss you too, Mum.
Yeah, Kenzo's staying at his dad's.
That's not fair.
Just because a child's away, doesn't mean a mother has to immediately go out and get drunk.
You did? Every time? Oh.
So that's why I spent summers at Grandma's.
OK.
See you next week.
Bye.
You done with the phone? I need to get on with arranging Saturday night's event of the season.
What's that? You and the loser brigade going to watch all the Star Wars films in sequence? No.
We're skipping The Phantom Menace.
My weekend's going to be a little more exciting than that.
What? You and the slapper squad piling into a pink limo, to go to the nearest trashy nightclub, where they're doing a two-for-one on any alcopops the same colour as plutonium? No.
Actually, yeah, that is pretty much it.
Is no one going to ask me about my weekend plans? So, Alfie, what are you doing? Being Welsh? I'm aware I may not be the most popular man in town, but I have a strong social network made up of those who appreciate my quirky ways, and enjoy my company, thank you very much.
(Message alert) Oh, apparently he's busy this weekend.
(Man) Ahem! - Hello, Harper.
- Hm? Ah.
Mr, er, Griffith.
Hello! Good.
Nice to see you.
I'm checking the comfort of the chair.
Very, very important.
Above all, safety is paramount for the patients.
That's good, very good, because I care, you see.
Clearly, Harper, it's time we had a word.
I've just spoken to Jessica Richards.
She's my customer relations manager.
It's hardly fair to attack me over what some American woman, with possible mental health issues, might have made up about me.
She said you had the worst attitude she'd ever encountered.
Really? The worst? And, unfortunately, it's not just her.
Ever since Cavitex has taken over, we've received numerous complaints that you're surly, rude and patronising.
To be fair, I received a lot of those complaints before you took over.
- You don't like me, do you, Harper? - Y You know, like "Like" is a very emotional word.
You're not much of a team player.
Why aren't you wearing your uniform? - I find it tight in the crotch.
- It's a tunic.
It's a Ah! It's the way you wear it, is it? OK.
Look, Harper, you're a Cavitex employee now.
You have to learn to do things the Cavitex way.
So, I'm going to teach you a lesson.
What, you're going to beat me up, are you? (Chuckles) No.
No.
No.
I'm going to send you on a training course this weekend.
We call it the Cavitex Academy.
It's for the induction of new recruits, but it's also useful for erm, disappointments.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, because there's no way in hell that I'm going back to school.
Thank you and goodbye.
Absolutely.
Not a problem.
We'll just fire you.
Fire away.
I've got my surgery, my patients, and I've got my reputation.
No.
We own your surgery and your patient roster.
OK, well, I've got my reputation.
- This weekend, you said? - Absolutely, yes.
This is ridiculous.
As if I'm a bad employee.
Huh! How dare they wake you from your office-hours nap to tell you that? Listen, I've not been sleeping well since your mother left, OK? You always complain that she snores, steals the covers, kicks you in her sleep.
At least shouting at her used to relax me.
Who the hell are these people? Who the hell are these people to tell me how to run a dental practice? I've been doing it for 25 years.
Dad, you just have to play the game.
Tell them what they want to hear.
Just fake it.
Act like you respect them.
Oh, really? Fake it? Mm-hm.
For two whole days? - We've done it with you for years.
- OK OK, fine.
I'll tell you something, though.
I'm really going to miss you two.
You see? I can fake it.
Are you two going to be OK without me or your mother here? (Laughing) Come on, Dad.
How old are we? Ha-ha-ha! You Seriously, Dad, how old are we? Did I miss anything? What the hell are you doing here? I asked to come.
This is my fourth time.
They give you a free pencil case at the end.
The better question is, what am I doing here? I am a professional dentist and look at this lot.
Look at them.
Like a bunch of rank amateurs.
Actually, they're all new employees.
The only people here for "re-education" are you and Herman.
Apparently, he's got a bad habit of reading x-rays upside down, removing the wrong teeth and then infecting the patient.
Hello, Herman.
Hermie! (Game show-style voice) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome to the stage Cavitex UK's general manager, Mr Martin Griffithl (Cheering and whooping) Hello, Mr Griffith! (Whooping continues) Yeah! Yeah! You walked into this room dentists but you're going to walk out of here valued team members of the Cavitex Corporation.
Whoo-hoo! I hope you're all excited and raring to go.
(All) Yeah.
- I can't hear you.
- (Yelling) Yeah! - I still can't hear you.
- Yes! Take your bloody headphones off! We have got a great weekend planned for you, but first, to get this party started, and to get you all out of your seats, will you welcome the bear with the brushitude.
Bristles! (Cheering and applause) That bear a friend of yours, Rog? Quite the opposite, Ben.
I was once the Cavitex spokesbear until that usurper replaced me.
Now, I'm going to make him pay.
Did you come here to get revenge on a man in a bear costume? (Chuckles) Wouldn't that be slightly crazy? Roger, did you come here to get revenge on a man in a bear costume? Essentially, yes.
Oh, Michael, I was hoping to see you.
I was wondering if maybe you'd like me to attend your Star Wars evening, as an act of kindness on my part? No.
I'm willing to have dog hair glued to me as a makeshift Chewbacca outfit.
(Growls like Chewbacca) Feel free to do that.
But, film night's cancelled.
Me and the guys had a big falling out.
Oh, nothing serious, I hope.
There was an argument about the theoretical storage capacity of the Millennium Falcon.
- Who would argue about that? - I know.
The answer's so obvious.
I can't believe this.
My friends have just cancelled on me.
I get a night to myself and end up staying home alone.
Yeah, me too.
Wait a minute.
If we're all staying in together alone, why don't we all stay in together together? One of my friends must be free.
Please, God, answer.
Now, will you welcome our customer relations manager, Jessica Richards.
Oh, great.
Whoo! Hey, everybody, great to be here.
I've been visiting a selection of Cavitex dentists as an undercover patient It's her word against mine.
and we used hidden cameras to record what happened.
Oh, I am screwed.
Let's look at the dos and don'ts in client relations.
Lights, please.
Good morning.
What seems to be the problem today? Come on in.
Notice the warm smile and sincere greeting.
And now, how not to do it.
Right, so what's your problem, hm? Come on, come on, sit down.
Next, putting the patient at ease.
Now, just relax, but if you feel uncomfortable at any time, just raise your little hand and I'll stop.
So, you are a Yank.
Not your fault entirely, is it? And finally, respecting the patient's intelligence.
It's a fairly simple procedure, but if you have any questions at all, feel free to ask, OK? Now, this is a toothbrush.
Could we stop, please? Sorry.
Sorry.
This isn't fair.
The "don't" clips have the same erm, unidentified er charismatic man.
What can I say? He was particularly awful.
I wonder who he was? I'd quite like to hurt you.
So, thank you for listening.
I know you'll all go on to be wonderful customer-focused dental operatives.
Well, most of you.
She really didn't like you.
Did you get that impression too? Oh! Look at him.
Swanning around, arrogantly handing out pencil cases.
He's not supposed to do that until the end.
Now, let's move on to the technical element of the course, and we'll begin with a presentation.
Could we dim the lights, please? (Video narrator speaks slowly) The Cavitex Corporation is dedicated to providing treatment in a calm, peaceful and comforting manner.
Here we go.
More corporate waffle.
- I really think you should - Be quiet.
Good night.
It's therefore vital that our dentists are conversant with the very latest technological innovations, particularly the Cavigleam Whitening System.
- (Western movie) - No.
(Dinosaur roars) No.
(Football commentary) No.
(News) No.
(Game show music) No.
(Explosion) No.
- Can I have a go? - (Both) No.
- Does anybody want a drink? - Oh, good idea.
Anything to make this more bearable.
Oh, come on.
It's one Saturday night in, how bad can it be? This bad.
Oh, it's locked.
When did Dad fix this? He didn't.
It was Mum, for Dad.
Fortunately, I have a copy of the key.
Genius.
How? That's just the kind of person I am.
Come on.
Do we really need a drink to have a good time? (Both) Yes.
And that just about wraps things up.
We've crammed rather a lot into three hours.
Three hours? Hopefully, it hasn't been too hard going.
Well done, everybody.
- Hello, Sleepyhead.
- Why didn't you wake me up? He He didn't see me, did he? No, no, he didn't notice.
It doesn't make any difference, does it? Now, look, don't feel you have to stay up all night revising for tomorrow's written and practical tests.
Everything was in the presentation.
That's good.
It really does matter a bit.
Er, Mr Griffith, sorry er, sir.
- Is it OK if we don't pass the test? - No, no, no.
- We don't have to pass.
- Ah.
- You have to pass.
- Mm-hm.
If you do then that's absolutely fine.
F Wh What would you say, then, if, hypothetically, I didn't pass? Well, that's fine too because then I get to fire you.
What would you say if I didn't care? If I went off and got another job at another practice? Although, with a bad reference from Cavitex, you might find other work rather hard to come by.
You see, we have connections with all influential trade bodies, plus we control 60% of all private health services in the southeast of England, with a short-term projected growth rate of 30% over the next two years.
Your rather optimistic assertion that you can just go to another practice seems rather ill-judged.
Still, if you want to give it a go, that's fine.
That's absolutely fi Would you stop saying "fine" when things clearly aren't? It's all fine.
(Sings) Go, Alfie, it's your birthday.
How much has he had? Well, this is our first bottle, so one glass.
This is nice.
Isn't this nice? It's nice.
Oh, I like spending time with you.
And you too.
All right, well, let's have one last drink and then call it a night.
How about some of Dad's blackberry schnapps? Oh, no, no.
Not for me, no.
I must confess I'm not good with schnapps, not good at all, no.
I drank it on my last night in the village and well I don't really remember what happened, to be perfectly frank.
And you really want to remember tonight? Of course.
We're having fun and frolics and Oh, yeah, go on then.
Ooh! (Cheering) Go, Herman! Oh, gosh.
It's all going on out there.
People are doing the limbo under a strand of dental floss.
Oh.
Oh.
And I'm really good at dental floss limbo as well.
Stupid revision.
Stupid Cavitex.
Stupid, stupid Mr Griffith.
I can't make head or tail of these notes you've taken.
What does that say? "Suck on teat"? "Apply suction to teeth.
" Of course, I know.
Of course it's suc tion to teeth.
Absolutely.
My war of intimidation against Bristles isn't going very well.
I am intimidating, aren't I? Next question.
I'm going to make him late for tomorrow's concluding ceremony.
That will make him look bad.
I just need to trap him somehow.
Why don't you dig a hole? Put some leaves over it and then lure the bear in with a picnic basket.
Where would I find a picnic basket around here? It's not a real bear, Roger.
Can we deal with my more un-insane problems? I'm not going to pass this test! Oh, it's very easy, Ben.
I've passed it three times already.
You did? This isn't my first attempt to thwart Bristles.
You passed it three times.
Then you know all the answers.
Ah, Roger! Suddenly I feel strangely confident.
No, no.
You are not copying off me! - Yes, I am.
- OK.
I'm not intimidating at all, am I? (Sighs) What about the practical element? You missed the training on the Cavigleam Whitening System.
It's revolutionary, state-of-the-art technology.
I'm not sure you'll manage it without some practice first.
- Practice, you say? - Yes, practice.
- (Laughs wickedly) Practice.
- Practice.
Why are we slightly laughing? (Muffled) Ben, be careful.
That is the very expensive property of the Cavitex Corporation.
Roger, please, just relax.
I need a dummy run and you, not surprisingly, are the dummy.
- Do you know what you're doing? - Roger, please.
Hello, I'm an artist and this is my erm, paintbrush.
And this is How do you turn this on? - Press the on switch.
- Oh, wait.
Ah! Whoa.
OK.
The machinery itself is quite straightforward, it's the application that's the tricky part, that's why the goggles are vital.
Goggles.
Oh, right! Gotcha.
OK.
Argh! The goggles are for me! Feed the chickens, milk the cow, Round up the pigs (All) Feed the chickens, milk the cow, round up the pigs (Janey) This is fun.
Schnapps loosens you up, Alfie.
You're a lot of fun.
Shut up.
What? Oh, I misheard what you said.
Oh! It's so nice to just relax.
There's so much pressure to go out on a Saturday night, and not look like some saddo who It really doesn't matter, does it? You're right.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that neither of you went out.
It doesn't matter that nobody likes you.
It doesn't even matter that you both have dark, twisted knots where your insides should be spewing acrid, venomous black bile out of you every time you open your stupid, fat mouths.
- What did you just say? - I've had a fun night.
Good night.
I think he was mainly talking to you.
Oh, my.
It's test time.
Yes, it's test time! You may begin now.
Roger.
Roger, just concentrate, OK? And, Roger, write big.
Hang on.
I've been given a blank sheet of paper.
The questions are all there.
Look.
Look.
Then, Houston, we have a problem.
- What? - I can't see the questions.
- Roger - You're the one who blinded me.
Who am I going to copy off now? You don't need to copy off anyone, Ben.
You're a fantastic dentist, you know this stuff.
I am an excellent dentist.
I have 25 years of experience behind me.
This is a piece of cake.
Question one.
I'm so screwed.
Are you still angry? I can't believe Alfie said those horrible things.
He's not the Alfie I've come to know and tolerate.
I'm sure he feels bad about it all.
Afternoon.
So, what's everybody up to today? I don't know.
I thought I might go to the doctor to see about the dark, twisted knots inside of me.
Are you not feeling well? Yeah, Alfie, I'm quoting what you said about us.
I never said that.
Alfie, do you actually remember what happened last night? There are hazy spots, I admit.
The last thing I remember is you and me having a jam eating competition.
That was three days ago.
Oh, well, in that case, I don't remember, no.
But, I certainly didn't mean to say that you have erm - What was it? - Dark, twisted knots inside of me.
You're really hanging onto that one, aren't you? I can but apologise, I have clearly been the foolish victim of binge drinking.
You had a glass of wine and a shot of blackberry schnapps.
Ah! Like the schnapps I had on my last night in the village.
Was it actually supposed to be your last night in the village, or did they run you out of town with burning torches and pitchforks? They didn't have torches.
Thank you.
Well, I'm pleased to say Shut up! I'm pleased to say that every one of the names on this list has passed through the Cavitex Academy with flying colours.
Yes! So, let's give a big hand for Andrew Chambers.
God, please, God, let me be on that list.
Let me be on that list.
(Cheering continues) Excuse me.
Now, look here.
I was the original and the best Bristles.
And you are a, you are a a lady.
A beautiful lady.
Oh, thank you.
I've seen you around here all weekend.
- You're Bristles? - Yeah.
Oh, that explains why I never saw you and the bear in the same place.
I've noticed you too, looking at me and following me around.
Except only when I've got my bear's costume on.
Guilty.
- Do you fancy going for a drink? - Yes, please.
Let me just go get changed out of my costume.
Why don't you keep the bear costume on? Peter Thompson.
So, it's just you and me, hey, Hermie? Finally, Herman Yellowman.
So perfect! Well done, Ben Harper.
You are fired, you are screwed.
I can't believe I actually feel sad.
Of course you do.
You can't put a price on your love of dentistry.
(Chuckles) Maybe you can.
Eh? (Both laugh) We're slightly laughing, again.
You're not going to blind me again, are you? Erm, could Could I, erm, have a word with you in private? What is it then, Harper? - Want to say goodbye in person? - About that, I've been thinking Hey, come on.
We both know I'm a good worker.
I may not be the friendliest guy in town, but I get the job done.
A bit like erm er, Mussolini.
The only problem here The only problem is our relationship, OK? I admit I've had conflicting feelings about you, but, erm, I respect you.
I really do.
And I want to prove it.
How so? I think we could come to some gentlemen's agreement.
You scratch my back, I scratch yours, if you get my drift? - I see.
- OK? We on the same page? - I think we are on the same page.
- Very good.
I'll get you something and you'll be all right.
No, it's my fault entirely.
The problem is I've never been very good with authority.
I've been like that my whole life.
Yes.
The thing is, I've never been very good at taking orders.
Don't worry, Ben.
For the next half-hour, you're the boss.
Apology accepted, Alfie.
Thank you for the champagne.
My pleasure.
Here's to friendship.
(All) Cheers.
How was your course? What? Yes.
Course.
Ah, good.
Yeah.
That was very good.
I understand a lot more about sexual harassment now.
It wasn't a sexual harassment course, was it? Not officially, no.
Very interesting practical erm which I didn't have to pass.
Hmph! Still, kept my job.
Ah, well, there you go then.
It doesn't matter that you got into trouble, it doesn't matter that you're a grumpy, rubbish old man.
It doesn't even matter that you've got a rotting lump of coal where your heart should be.
Finally, someone who appreciates me for who I am.
So it's blackberry schnapps and champagne that sets you off.
No, no.
That's just what I think.
Cheers.