Scrubs s09e07 Episode Script

Dr.
Reid, I know yoga is supposed to be good for pregnant women, but are you sure this is okay? It looks like that baby could squirt out any second.
Lucy, I'm fine.
Besides, I would never give birth under a tree.
Although J.
D.
And I did conceive this baby under one.
It was a Christmas tree.
Not in our house.
It was still on the lot.
We made a bunch of Christians uncomfortable that day.
- I once got felt up in a pumpkin patch.
- Don't you just love the holidays? It's so nice having someone to talk to.
I feel like I can't go to the other med students.
It's gotten so cutthroat.
People will do anything to get ahead.
Lost got canceled and they're never gonna air the finale? So many questions.
Hey, good luck on the test, bro.
Even Drew's been acting like a gunner recently.
Drew, can I borrow your histology notes? Roger, no.
Nothing personal, I just don't want to help you half-ass your way through med school and keep you from your true destiny, which is to become the second-best dentist at a run-down strip mall.
You get it.
I was a gunner for a while when I was in med school.
Once I set my roommate Lauren's books on fire so she couldn't study.
Turns out I'd loaned her mine, so I actually had to buy a whole new set, which she then stole.
Still, in the end I won because she got hit by a truck.
I mean, she didn't die, but she is not smart enough to be a doctor anymore.
Is she happy? - Oh, she's very happy.
- Good.
Now, to recap, what is the number-one attribute all med students share with this skeleton? Yes.
The hollow area of nothingness inside the skull? Exactly.
Now, it is time for a boring announcement about a pointless tradition brought to you by an empty figurehead with a failing liver and an overactive libido.
Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle slut.
- I miss this.
- Yeah, me, too.
Kills me that we're friends now.
All right.
As you know, Friday is the annual White Coat Ceremony.
In front of your family and friends, you will receive your lab coats, a symbol of your entree into the world of medicine.
- These doctors' coats - Murderers' coats, Bob.
Because they are all murderers.
Anyhoo, the faculty will be choosing a keynote speaker to represent the entire first-year class.
And as part of this meaningless charade, Winston University requires that each of you sit with me, the Chief of Medicine, for an irrelevant pre-ceremony interview.
A quick sidebar, Perry? Can I do the interview with that little number in the second row? She said I reminded her of her grandpa, and I think I could use that to at least get her top off.
- You're a hell of an educator, Bob.
- I do it for them.
- So, you ready for your interview? - So ready.
I can answer any questions about our classes, about the hospital, I even took the time to memorize personal facts about each of my professors, so bring it.
Well, there's really only one question.
Why do you want to be a doctor? You've never been to Maine and you were college roommates with Michael Bolton.
Yes, and the latter fuels most of my anger.
I'd like you to come back with a better answer, and if you find you can't come up with a better answer, then please know I'm going to make it my personal mission to drum you out of this med school.
But you said this was just a meaningless charade.
Not for you.
Get out.
Stupid Michael Bolton.
- Hey, buddy.
- Not your buddy.
- Whatevs, bra.
- Also not your bro.
Once again, it's you versus me.
Smarts versus nepotism for the keynote speaker.
- Let the battle begin.
- There's no battle.
This is something I want, so I'm gonna crush you.
Yeah, well, good luck, 'cause I got skills.
Check it.
Swish.
Hey, Drew.
You know how we get hot over gross and disgusting things? Yes, and hello, Dr.
Reid, who I barely know.
- 'Sup, freak? - Hi.
Anyway, check it out.
Mr.
Warshal passed his kidney stone.
That's hot.
FYI, that's like passing a bowling ball through a straw.
They say it's actually a lot like giving birth.
Super-pumped, by the way.
Super-pumped.
So, I'm taking you to dinner tonight.
Did you bring anything less bloody to change into? - Why? - I don't know.
It's a nice place.
Wouldn't kill you to dress up once in a while.
Pretty girl.
- You're a pretty girl.
- I am a pretty girl.
Okay, guys.
So, nine years ago, Joseph was my first appendectomy patient.
Since then, some scar tissue has formed, so we're gonna clear that right up.
Joseph, my old friend, we'll take care of you, but first you gotta give me what I need.
Brother speaks French! That's a bromance language, y'all! Anyway, it says here that we're delaying surgery due to topical irritation near the incision site.
If you guys'll excuse me for a second, that would be great.
Dude's a goner.
I see it in his eyes.
He's Haitian.
It's a poisonwood-berry burn.
- How do you know? - Trust me, I know.
Boy George, if you're right, you could seal the deal for keynote speaker.
Too little too late.
My fam just donated another MRI thingy.
Joseph, we're gonna solve this puzzle, and in thanks, you'll say - Merci beaucoup.
- Merci beaucoup! Incredible.
- Dr.
Turk.
- Yes.
I think I know what's wrong.
It's a reaction to the acidic black poisonwood berry.
They're common on Joseph's home island Home island of Haiti.
Damn, I was just going to say that.
Keep it up, Drew.
Catches like this could save someone's life.
Dr.
Cox, I know why I want to be a doctor.
I want to use my experience to make the kind of catches that save lives.
- To give people a chance to live - Hold that thought.
Time of death, 4:23 p.
m.
Oh! I'm very His middle name is Ulysses.
- 'Sup, homes? - Don't call me "homes.
" Actually, I like homes.
I'll allow it.
What are you doing? Just surfing the Web, watching old White Coat speeches, cherry-picking the best parts for mine.
Solid plan.
Hey, Drew, turns out you were right about the Haitian berry reaction.
I guess your diagnosis wasn't "rash" after all.
See, J.
D.
, I told you they wouldn't laugh! Genius, man.
You lay low at first, then the White Coat thing comes up, and boom, you turn into a gunner.
- What? I'm not a gunner.
- Please.
Always got the right answer.
Being all helpful with that island-berry dude.
- Dude, we are exactly the same.
- We are not the same.
You're a selfish, petty child who would screw over anybody to get ahead.
Like you did with Roger? the second-best dentist at a run-down strip mall.
You get it.
I followed him.
He called his folks, crying.
It was awesome.
Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror, homes.
Dr.
Cox.
I've done some soul-searching and I have a new answer.
Let me prep for the verbal brilliance that is surely headed my way.
- Ha.
Proceed.
- I want to become a doctor so I can help people who can't help themselves.
- Lame.
- When my grandmother was ill Boo! See, Dr.
Quinn was a medicine woman Stop.
Now, this is when I would normally launch into a rant, but I've already told you what the consequences are if you don't come up with an acceptable answer prior to the ceremony.
Right now, you've got four strikes on you, and even in the adjusted, Lucy Bennett five-strike system that I recently established to accommodate all major underachievers Go ahead and take a second and be happy that something was named after you.
you still need to come up with something better.
One more pathetic cliched answer and you're gone.
That was kind of a rant.
Hey, why did you guys want to become doctors? I actually didn't want to be a doctor.
I wanted to be a gymnast.
But I was chesty for my age and I had no balance, because when I was nine my cousin jammed a piece of uncooked pasta in my ear.
So the first time I went on the balance beam, I fell off and broke my bajingo bone, so, really, I became a doctor because my parents made me.
- How about you, Dr.
Mahoney? - I like scabs.
Hey, Drew, want to come over tonight and watch one of those survival shows - and root for the guy to die? - Tonight's not a good night, Denise.
- Hey, work buddy.
- Hey.
- You have a sec? - Yeah.
What do you want to do? You want to play a quick Hide the Saltine? Maybe Giant Black Doctor? Damn, those never sounded dirty with J.
D.
- Yes, they did.
- Oh.
Actually, I was hoping I could get a little advice.
Tell mama your problems, baby.
I'm having relationship issues with Drew.
- I know just what to do.
Great! I'm out! Okay, so he made a comment about wanting you to look nice, and then you blew him off and mocked him.
- Yeah.
Called him a girl.
- Well, fantastic.
Okay.
Does Drew ever do anything nice for you? - Yeah, all the time.
- And do you ever do anything for him? Oh, no.
Who wants to travel down that road? Denise, like it or not, you're in a relationship.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, like dressing nice.
Or, in my case, going to the zoo twice a month.
I still don't know why J.
D.
Is so obsessed with those damn penguins.
It's because they look like little formal people.
We like to think they're British.
- Turk, if you're out, then stay out.
- Fine! So, to make Drew happy I have to start wearing tutus and prom dresses? That would look adorable, but no.
Just throw on something sexy once in a while, you know? Show him you care.
"Anyone fancy a swim?" What? That's how they sound.
That is the way they sound! Where are you going? Hey, Cole, you know how when we make love I can't look into your eyes because they're so empty and soulless, so I just cover them with my hands? Yeah, it's cool.
I can see through your fingers.
Well, I can get past that if you'll be real with me just once.
Why do you want to be a doctor? - Why the hell not? - That's a good answer.
- How could that be a good answer? - Because he meant it.
'Sup, Chiefs? Hey, I hope the school has insurance, 'cause my keynote speech is going to blow the roof off this mother! You, son, are a very odd little squid.
Oh, hey, wait, I want to talk to you.
Your academic record is impeccable, and Dr.
Turk told me about your catch with the poisonwood-berry burn.
You are our choice as keynote speaker for the White Coat Ceremony.
Congratulations.
It's tantamount to getting half-off on a cup of soup.
Who knows why we do the things we do? Sometimes we're just trying to make someone else happy.
- So you think that outfit is sexy? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm free-boobing it.
Other times we leave people searching for explanations.
I don't want to be the keynote speaker, but thanks.
- Well, that's disappointing.
- I was gonna say, "Who cares?" But in our weakest moments, it's all about jealousy.
Hey, Dr.
Turk, I need to show you something on the Web.
Is it a cat doing something a human would do? 'Cause if it is, I'm in.
- Something with Drew.
- And a cat? No.
Just look.
This is from 10 years ago, dude.
that dream is finally realized, and as doctors This ceremony's a joke, okay? I'm better than all you fools, and you guys, too! Hey! I have something to say.
I don't need to be keynote speaker! Okay? You don't deserve these coats! You don't deserve these coats, okay? Better recognize! You showed this to anybody? Still, nothing's as painful as hiding from the past.
Hey, Drew.
"You better recognize"? - Something people said in the '90s.
- Cool people? No.
Recognize! Recognize! Yes.
Hello.
It's me.
How could this be any worse? Scientists taught horses to talk, and it turns out, because we've ridden them all these years, they don't like humans! - I don't even want to think about it.
- What the hell is wrong with Cole? Drew.
Doctors are much more than just physicians.
They can be mentors.
Come with me.
Disciplinarians.
Come with me.
Even fashion advisers.
- Come with me.
- I'm with a patient.
Dementia? Please.
Don't bring that weak sauce in here.
He'll never know you're gone.
Fine.
I'll just take my jacket off, put it over the IV stand, - and he'll probably think it's still me.
- Sweet.
Let's see what we have.
You definitely need my blue eyes for this one.
And my pregnancy boobs for this one.
Honestly, if I could give up five years of my life to keep these bad boys, I would.
You know, as long as I had a guarantee that I'd live until, like, my 80s.
Yeah, you should bring that up to God when he grants you your magic boobs.
In my head it wasn't God, it was a genie.
Yes, and we're going to figure out what to do with these.
Wow.
You're like the sister I never wanted.
- Really? - I'm not doing any of this.
That is what the ugly duckling always says in the movies, but then she takes her glasses off and everyone thinks she's beautiful.
Did you just call me an ugly duckling? Look, there's Lucy.
Hey, Lucy.
- Did you see Drew's video? - What video? - Come on.
- Too bad about your boy, Drew, but no worries.
I'll pick up the slack.
I already wrote the beginning of my speech.
So I open up with a line from the movie Malice.
"You ask me if I have a God complex.
I am God!" Boom! We're in.
Yeah, you damn sure are.
I don't think the lock works on that door, so if he tries to get out, subdue him.
- Sleeper hold or full nelson? - Dealer's choice.
- I'll see what feels right.
- Fair enough.
Come out if you want to, boy.
Daddy's waiting.
- Why am I scrubbing in again? - The OR's a safe place.
Nobody's gonna yell "recognize" at you in here.
Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo' shizzle" for a week.
A week! And what's up with you in that video? The psychologist called it "an unbalanced act," but I don't care about that video.
I just hate that it reminds me of who I was.
What are the three categories of presentation in Crohn's disease? Stricturing, penetrating and inflammatory.
Sorry, Dr.
Reynolds.
Looks like nobody else studied.
Psst.
Little help? Thanks.
Oh! This kid's got a cheat sheet.
That doesn't seem fair to the rest of us.
I'm just saying.
I pulled every dirty trick in the book and I still didn't get chosen as keynote speaker.
That honor went to Eric Puritsky.
Let me get this straight.
You turned down keynote speaker because you're worried you're becoming that guy again? I think I'm already there.
Okay.
Thank you so much for letting me dress you up.
I really needed some closure on the whole makeover thing.
Okay, now take your glasses off, let that hair down and act like you don't know how pretty you are.
There it is! - What is with the sad face? - Dr.
Cox is still in my head about this whole "why do you want to be a doctor" thing.
I can't think of the answer that he wants, you know? And you don't think your amazing new look will take care of that? I really don't.
Then maybe you should stop looking for the perfect answer and just tell him what you actually think.
You see that, Drew? That's scar tissue.
Nine years ago, when Joseph came to me, I popped out his appendix and screwed up the closure.
I was so focused on the abdomen that I blew the cosmesis of the incision.
Nowadays I know better, and I can fix it without making the same mistake.
And because of that, I don't have to beat myself up over something that happened a long time ago.
So, what are you gonna do, Drew? I'm gonna scrub out.
Hey.
Saw that video.
Crazy.
Yeah.
It's like my own personal "Don't tase me, bro.
" - That's why you've been weird, huh? - Pretty much.
I thought it was about me.
'Cause I wouldn't dress all girly-gay for you.
What? No.
I mean, I guess I'd like to see you like that sometime, but I would never ask you to do that.
I gotta go.
Why do I want to be a doctor? Recognize! Because the road sure as hell isn't easy.
Recognize.
And there always seems to be something standing in your way.
Sometimes it's even yourself.
- Dr.
Cox.
- Oh, dear God.
I don't have your perfect answer.
At first I thought it was to make my family proud, and then I thought it was about saving lives, and for one second I thought it was a chance to get closer to Dr.
Sanjay Gupta, who is a beautiful Indian man, and I've never visited that continent romantically, - if you know what I mean.
- Unfortunately, I do.
Anyway, the truth is, I can't pick just one reason.
Oh, my God, that's the answer.
I want to be a doctor for all those reasons, and a million more that I haven't even thought of yet.
That's not bad.
Come on, let's go.
We're gonna be late for the White Coat Ceremony.
- Ooh! Plus, I look super-cute in white.
- Now you ruined it.
Luckily, we're surrounded by amazing individuals.
Talented faculty, dedicated mentors, outstanding students who all strive for excellence.
And then there's the new friends, who make it all a little easier to handle.
So, in closing, I'd like to give a simple response to Dr.
Cox's question.
Why do I want to be a doctor? Well, because doctors give people second chances.
And we all deserve a second chance.
Better recognize.
Hey, I know how you're really mad at the Internet right now.
Well, it taketh away, but it also giveth.
- And meet the crew! - You're welcome.
You got Styles, Tricky, Lil' Tricky, my man Boots, and me, Cole Fusion.
Are you ready? 'Cause this is happening! Let's go, boys! No! Hey, don't just stand there, man, help me up! Is my hair still cool? - I forgive you, Internet.
- Help me up! Come on! Hey, turn that off! Get that away!