Shameless s09e07 Episode Script

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally literally, taking the grass from its own roots! And now you've got your ConDemNation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up! Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?! Is revolution a word or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water! I wondered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak! It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now! P-a-a-a-rty! This programe contains very strong language from the outset.
Or disturbing.
It starts when you're young, deceit.
Tooth fairies, Santa Claus, God.
Eventually, you wise up and realise you've been had.
Convenient un-truths, half-truths, lies.
It's just how things work.
Oh, aye, get your tits out, you little slag! Good shag last night, was it? Where you off now? Flicking your bean? Hey, love, come and suck my dick.
How much for a blowey, Blondie? Hey, you're going wrong way, I'm here! I'll fucking rip you in half! So, you learn to do it to other people.
Touch of flattery here, little white lie there, Spare someone's feelings, keep the peace.
Before you know it, it's second nature Deceiving yourself as well as everybody else.
No harm.
It oils the wheels, keeps the world turning.
The truth is hard enough to swallow as it is.
Why would I want to own up to reality every time I look in the fucking mirror? Keep those wheels well oiled, I say.
A little deceit is good for the soul.
No, no.
I don't think so.
Starving children, fair enough, but, er, winter coats for donkeys, nah, not a chance.
It's not winter coats.
It's body-warmers, to stop them freezing to death half-way up mountains in Azer, azer? Azerbaijan.
And do these donkeys prefer Velcro fasteners, or the ones with zips up the front? Scabby Queen! Right, I'm going to the gym.
Thought you did 10k this morning? I did, but no point in gambling wi' a marked deck.
- Kiss my arse.
- I'll kiss your arse.
OK, treble the stakes, and we can consider my arse on the table.
That was you not so long ago, wasn't it? Lads tripping up over themselves just to get near? Er, I'm not out to pasture just yet.
Oh, I don't doubt it.
I mean, you're the reason why half the men walk in through that door.
Hoping you'll glance in their direction at least once or twice throughout the day.
Cheap beer might have something to do with it.
She'll succumb.
Succumb to what? Well, at their core, what women want is to be rescued, y'know.
To be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armour.
Why, who needs rescuing around here? She doesn't.
I don't.
She doesn't realise it yet.
And you I think you're bored, Karen.
Still spilling out pearls of wisdom, is he? What is it this time? Middle East? Dangers of globalisation? He's usually got a point, you know.
He's a clever fella.
I say! Feeding your filthy habit on Trust property.
Proper written warning, there.
- You sound like my daughter.
- You've got a daughter? Behave.
You're nearly an hour late.
They won't notice.
Old McGuinness has been dead at his bench two months, no-one's clocked it.
Have you been drinking? Haven't been home yet, still buzzing! Any time you want to come along, Brown Sugar just let me know.
That's racist, you know.
Only in a post-modern way, though.
Doesn't count.
You're wrong.
More often than I'd like to admit.
But not about you.
I've got a good life.
Beautiful son, loyal husband, pub.
You're not built to be sedate.
You dream of better.
It oozes out of every pore.
Everybody dreams.
Even you.
I couldn't tell you the things that go on in my dreams.
Y'know, most women lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to their graves with the song still in them.
Is that you, Karen? Quoting poets doesn't do it for me.
Just passing somebody else's words off as your own.
Fair enough.
If not poets, what does do it for you? My husband.
Then why are you in here with the Black Knight? Cos I brought the towels in.
Y'know, it's not me you need to convince, love.
It's her.
Oi, you, share the wealth! Shall I tell you what I can see? I'm intrigued.
A scared man, who'll shag anything just to stave off the loneliness.
I can't work out whether there's more to you than meets the eye, or less.
Y'know, I don't fuck women because I'm lonely, Karen.
I fuck women because I'm good at it.
I've gotta go.
Karen? What the fuck is going on? We're all here cos you need help, Kel.
You need straightening out, love.
A few parties.
So what? Looked in the mirror lately? Not a pretty sight.
Pot, kettle, black, Zippy.
Any more for any more? I'm a priest.
I just get dragged along to these things.
Well, if I could make an observation.
You, handing out life-lessons? Really? It's now, Kelly.
That's the way it works.
- The drink is taking its toll.
- And the drugs.
And you know you have to be careful where the drugs are concerned.
I'm worried and that's why I've got everyone here, cos we love you.
You look a mess.
Yeah, we all love ya.
And I never had to pay anyone nothing.
Everyone's your friend and we want you to get better.
Why don't you cook her a nice spaghetti bolognaise or summat? - I can't cook.
- What is it?! Her breasts have all but disappeared.
Considering what you came from - Shut it now! - Fuck off, you! See what you're causing? All this mayhem, everyone arguing - Think it's going all right, innit?! - No-one's judging you Actually, I am judging you.
You just sit there, like that! Live fast, die young, leave behind a beautiful corpse.
Or, in your case, just a corpse.
This is what you all think? Apart from us Excuse me.
Kelly! Well, that went well.
Still think she needs rescuing? Oh, I know it.
Running in the street, parting horny boys from pennies at cards, doesn't qualify as emancipation in my book.
You're so full of it.
Y'know, I reckon I could have that girl flat on her back any time I like.
You keep taking your pills, studly.
Care to make a wager on that? On you shagging Ruby? Yeah, I mean, if I haven't shagged Ruby in the next 48 hours, I'll put 50 quid in that donkey tin of yours, how's that? I'll take action on that.
But if I do win - I don't get your money.
Oh? If I win I get to fuck you.
Nah.
Didn't think so.
Where are you going? I'm leaving.
You arrogant, judgemental fucking cunts.
Kelly, Kelly One-nil to the Libertines.
It's just running away.
You think I've been wild till now, lover? Watch this fucking space! But where? London.
Ibiza fucking loved me there, best years of my life.
Dublin, maybe.
They appreciate a bit of wild over there.
No fucking millstones round my neck.
What about your stuff, your clothes? Burn them, have a fucking wank over them, I don't give a shit.
Please! Don't you fucking dare! I've been that soldier before.
I love you.
I don't love you.
- Oh, Manchester is wonderful! - Kelly! Lisa likes brandy and the way it hits her lips She's a rock 'n' roll survivor with pendulum hips She's got deep brown eyes that have seen it all Working at a nightclub that was called The Avenue The bar men used to call her Little Lisa Looney Tunes She went down on almost anyone From the hard time living Till the Chelsea days From when her hair was sweet blonde Till the day it turned grey She said L-I-F-E G-O-E-S O-N I need to talk to you.
Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson? I think you've made a mistake.
ICU morphine pills - ward 45, bed seven.
What about them? You used 100 milligrams.
And? We sent up 15s only yesterday.
The patient's four days post-op.
It doesn't make sense for the dosage to change like that.
Can I ask you a question? Who are you trying to prove yourself to? There's only me here.
I'm not, I just didn't Just a minute.
Right, so you're Trainee Pharmacist's Assistant.
Is that right? That's your title? You haven't been home.
I'm just checking, in case you thought you were a pharmacist.
Cos you're not and I am.
I did the studying and the work and you know, all that stuff.
Grow up.
(WOMAN) Where have you been, Marie? Oh, fucking excellent.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Well, now you've found me, you can shuffle off.
I've been looking for you, Marie.
Nope.
SIREN WAILS You can fuck off.
Charming.
Go on, then.
So, do you know your name? Or are you too addled? Annie.
What you dressed like that for? You look like a Ladyboy or a big blonde goat.
(LAUGHS) With no social filter.
Just gets better.
You won't take me back, will you? Are you sure? Positive.
It's not a bit mutton dressed as lamb? I am over 30, you know.
It'll keep you out of the clutches of Age Concern - night on the tiles.
Are you sure? Cos I haven't seen you in Ever.
But fuck it, live dangerous.
You don't want to go through life with regrets, Annie, do you? W-e-e-e-e-e! Look at you.
You don't know whether it's Christmas or Tuesday, do you? No.
That's why you have to embrace life, isn't it? So, what do you fancy, then? Local or into town? - What for? - Couple of drinks, bit of dancing.
Oh, no, I can't go with you.
I'm going to a party.
What? Fuck off.
What party? My daughter - it's her birthday.
Then, I'll come with.
No, you look strange and I've only just met you.
What are you going on about? It's me - Marie.
Don't be ridiculous - Marie died 20 years ago.
Now, please leave me alone.
Fuck me.
Blown out by a mentalist.
(CALUM) Avril, wait! Come on, wait.
I'm sorry.
You were right.
Iwasusing 100 milligrams.
I could have done some real damage.
I'm sorry.
I knew you were right and I panicked.
Nasty tongue on you when you're under pressure.
What are you on? Er, it's hydrocodone.
It's kind of like Vicodin.
But it's not addictive.
Vicodin's addictive.
It won't happen again, I promise.
Tomorrow's another day, eh? You saved someone's life today, you know.
No, I mean it.
If that prescription had gone up to ward 45, bed seven would be toast.
It's not natural, you know? Ground rules.
Ruby can't know it's a bet, at any time.
In fact, nobody knows about it.
Agreed.
No third party involvement, assistance or interference.
It won't be necessary.
No bribes, inducements or misdirection of any kind.
One hangover from my past life is I never lie.
Well, not for personal gain, any road.
I'll play a straight game.
There's going to be some toasty donkeys in Azerbaijan.
Hiya.
Hey.
Whatever the outcome, this is a once-only gig and it happens on my terms.
I'm entirely at your disposal.
Good.
Take it easy! You know what this stuff does to you.
You have no idea of the buzz.
Someone could literally be dead right now if I hadn't done what I did.
Hard to take in.
I wasn't going to do it.
I wasn't going to say anything.
Could've landed myself in big trouble, but I thought, "No, Avril, it's your duty.
"Someone's mother, father or lover" How do you know you didn't rescue an arsehole? Maybe it was a wife-beater or a child molester you saved.
Could've done more harm than good.
Life's cheap.
Hospital deaths are ten a penny.
Hardly worth a mention.
Lying, fucking whore.
Fuck.
Have you got a smart-arsed comment to add, have you? No, Avril, don't.
Model citizen, are you? Avril! No! I did a good thing! I won't be ridiculed or Avril, the prostitute dumped him today.
Marty! Left him in the street crying like a big fecking baby.
It was very upsetting for everyone.
It's yin and yang.
Save a life with one hand, crush a poor, desperate soul with the other.
Karma.
(TV) It doesn't take long, with patience and care, to make a pocket with a face.
Hello.
"Get off my stool".
Frank, please.
I don't do amphibians, all right? They give me the creeps.
"You're on my stool - get off".
It's not an amphibian.
He's a reptile.
Look, that seat is my only long-term investment.
Diversify, Francis.
You know, I couldn't vacate this stool now you've asked me, even if I wanted to, on masculine principle.
You didn't have masculine principles when you were porking altar boys.
I've never porked an altar boy.
That's clearly a fantasy of yours, not mine.
(FARTS) Have it.
Be my guest.
You know it makes sense.
Appreciate this.
Be a couple of hours, yeah? - All goes in the holiday fund.
- Here she is! Little Miss Shut it, you piss-soaked tramp.
If I want your opinion, you'll be the first to know.
It was going to be a compliment.
Karen, a pint and two vowels, please.
You on late shifts all week? More's the pity.
I'm so sorry.
- I thought you were having a go.
- Don't matter.
What's going on? He won't open till two.
Carpetbagger! Look, the licensing people are all over it, man.
Strict operating hours.
So the junkies don't flog the kids gear in the middle of the night.
What are you selling? She's fucked off on a new life.
Slut! The girl's in trouble.
She'll be coming back - she loves you.
I won't fucking sell it, then! Gay! Taliban! Shit tan.
Gaylord.
Fuck them.
How you getting on? Bit stuck? No.
I've not finished with that yet.
What a dick.
He always that rude? Pretty much.
Avril! Check me out! Got in early, showered.
Even put on deodorant or air freshener.
Not sure.
You know, if you ever did want to seduce me, Mrs Robinson, I'd be all right with it.
Meteor.
I'm sorry? Unusually remote celestial body.
Seven down.
Anagram of remote.
Subtlety's not your strong point, is it? Don't flatter yourself.
I'm just wondering - why the mask? You're not an idiot.
So, what's with the heels, tits and teeth? Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Precisely my question.
There's more to you than these mugs get to see, right? If you know so much about it, you tell me.
So, I had my palm read today.
I've told Karen about letting them in the pub.
No, not them.
Your brother.
First couple of hours, he is a total prick.
Then, he practically tells me my own life story.
You know what that means, don't you? What? He's looking to get into your knickers.
He's a fucking priest.
Look, don't take it personally, but it's what he does.
It's his thing.
Had you spoken to Dominic before today? No.
So, he's rude to you, behaves like a dick because at least then, he's on your radar.
Next step he'll turn that negative impression into a positive, so he sweeps you off your feet by making a casual, but bang on insight into your character.
He's a dirty bastard.
Mmm-hmm.
And the rest.
We need to start doing food at teatime.
This is ridiculous.
Oh, and you're going to play Gordon Ramsay, are you? No.
His language is fucking atrocious.
What do you think of him? He loves the legend of himself, that's for sure.
Quite a shagger, by all accounts.
Yeah.
If he can get it up, with the amount that he puts away.
Is that true? Some men can't (WHISTLES)? How would I know? Have you seen me? (THEY LAUGH) I like him.
Who? The priest.
Spit it out.
- He bet me he could shag you.
- Come again? He bet me he could get you into bed and if he does, he wins me.
He's looking to sleep with you to get to me.
Sorry.
Well, well, well.
RIHANNA FT.
CALVIN HARRIS: We Found Love Woo! What the fuck is she doing? Fuck off! Knobhead.
PEOPLE TALK OVER EACH OTHER LOUD TRANCE MUSIC SOUND FADES OUT SLOW MUSIC She turns the blue sky black And put her on her back Am I dying? She is lying Next to me She comes again MUFFLED COMMENTS .
.
From the Devil came a daughter I was bathing in the water She was crying Over me Come again CRUMBLING .
.
Ba-da, ba-da MUSIC FADES OUT (IMAGINED) 'Horse tranquilliser? What did you think would happen, you stupid cow? I think you're dying.
What the fuck are you doing here? You invited me.
No I didn't.
I told you, I don't love you.
Take a hint.
- You don't mean it.
- I fucking do! You're just being cruel.
That's what you do, when somebody gets close.
You're being really horrible to me, so you must totally love me.
A BABY CRIES Where is that coming from? Me Mam got me these.
They weren't cheap.
Best shoes I ever had.
It was our secret.
My old man kicked the living shit out of her when he found out.
But she wasn't sorry.
DISTANT INSTRUMENTAL: THREE BLIND MICE I was in Spain when she died Shooting any old shit I could find into my arms.
- She had no-one.
- No! Jesus Christ! It's blood.
It's the one you were wearing the first time your dad I know what it is.
- I killed him, you know.
- Good.
- And I killed me mother.
- No, you didn't.
Yes, I fucking did! If I hadn't let him, she wouldn't be a depressive and thrown herself off a balcony! What would you have done? Run around with a safety net and caught her, like Tom and Jerry? Now who's being cruel? (LAUGHS) What the fuck are you on? Same as you.
A BABY CRIES What the fuck is that? Where is that noise coming from? You.
It's coming from you.
CRYING AND HEARTBEATS I lost our baby.
There's no blame - it's nature.
Sometimes a body's not ready.
- I'm tired.
- I know you are, But you're dying, choking on your puke.
And you're not responsible for your mam, or him, or the baby - that's all bollocks.
You are responsible for her, though.
I'm not strong.
BABY CRIES IN DISTANCE Marty? Don't leave me.
I want to I want to get better.
Marty! Promise me you'll always be there! Stop it, you stupid bitch! Get up! Get up! Get up! (SCREAMS) DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Oh! At last.
(PANTS) Can you see us? Or have we faded away to nothing due to the lack of milk? I do have a life, ladies.
That's very gratifying, but we have no milk.
I was in my pyjamas when I got this out the fridge, Now I'm dressed, how d' you suppose I get it through the sleeve? You get just as much calcium and stuff from skimmed, you know.
Yes, but you need to use a pint of the fecking stuff to turn a cup of tea white.
Have you been tagged? Have you got an AS-BLO? I'm in training.
What for? Cos I like it? Running for pleasure God's way of telling you you've too much time on your hands.
And it's AS-BO - not AS-BLO.
Muppet.
(PANTS) (FRANK IMITATES CREAKING) (CREAKING) Fuck off, creep.
He-he-he-he-he.
Seriously, I've fucking had it with the men around here.
Oh all right, easy, Braveheart.
Don't go painting your face blue just yet.
Do you ever say anything positive? Why did she take the bet? What? In the Jockey? Two little pussy cats.
"Quite the shagger, by all accounts.
" "How would I know - have you seen me?" Why did she accept the bet? Because she wants him to win.
Cos? Because then he'd have to shag her.
Hole in one.
Or two, as the case may be.
Then why was she trying to put me off him? It's a double bluff Feeding into your perverse, chip-on-both-shoulders Celtic temperament - warn you off, so you'll go running towards him, throwing both legs over your shoulders as you go.
Why do you care? I don't - not even a little bit.
I simply expect you to furnish me with cigarettes and alcohol by way of thanks.
So you bet on me? Fucking hell! You accepted the bet because you want to fuck him.
Keep your voice down.
I do not want to fuck him.
It is not going to happen.
It was a laugh and I'll call it off.
No, you fucking won't, because you don't get to have all the fun.
Why, what are you going to do? The expression on your face - now, that's a laugh.
Ruby Calum, should I put? Not now.
He's a danger.
He's also a pharmacist.
Any trouble, it'll be last in, first out.
Take your time mate, honestly - it's not heavy, this stuff(!) Keep your head down - think of your job Avril? Come on! Er, Jamie was shouting down for you.
Can you keep an eye? WHIPPING SOUND EFFECT You're good.
Oh you know, I try.
You whisper truths into women's ears, then catch their knickers when they swoon - a clever trick.
Oh, no, no - it's not a trick.
Don't be defensive - no-one's criticising.
It's worked.
Drink up.
You what? Where we going? I'm going to fuck you rather spectacularly, Dom.
I'm a very fit girl.
OK.
You know, sometimes it's like having two bloody kids I lived with a fella once, used to re-use cling-film kitchen walls were covered with it, "Just in case.
" Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Let's not stop.
No, I mean it.
I really like sex, Dom.
Truth be told, I'm a pretty dirty girl.
But I have one condition.
Name it, anything.
Nobody finds out about this.
- You think I'd kiss and tell? - Nobody.
Not even Karen.
Why would you think? OK.
Not even Karen.
No.
Do not go in the locker.
It's none of your business.
Too late.
I'm in.
And it is my business.
Only takes good people to do nothing for bad people to do stuff.
You saved one life, I'm proud of you, but you're not suddenly a superhero.
You can't save everybody.
I would.
Be the Silver Surfer, me.
Saying that, can't do fuck all, can he? Fill that suit, though.
I've got something! Don't touch it! Leave it! I'll catch you up.
All right, see you.
Fuck, he's coming.
Avril Avril! Scrap that.
Lex Luthor.
Say what you gotta say, leave a message.
Avril, give me a ring when you get this message.
All right? Fine.
Were you waiting for me? (SCOFFS) Where are they? I don't know what you mean.
What the fuck makes you think you can play God? I need 'em, and I'll go wherever I've gotta go to get them.
Really? That's where we're going with this? You're going to force your hand up my muff, searching for pills? I thought you had a pocket.
Hold on, you put my pills up your fanny? Wait, are you going to dob me in? Wait stop! Stop the bus! I'm sorry.
I do love you.
I know.
I'm so tired.
I know.
But it's OK.
(SOBS) I'll always be there.
I promise.
You could've lost your job.
Yeah, but I didn't.
Mum, can I have some money? Nothing about this makes you uncomfortable? He's taken a month's leave to sort himself out, - go into rehab somewhere.
- All thanks to you? That wasn't a compliment.
Hello? I tell you what, though.
My job is a fucking rush.
Mum, can I have some money? Have you been smoking? No.
Don't lie to me.
I will know.
I had one single puff.
Do you know how bad cigarettes are for you? They came out my pocket.
Oh aye.
The late shift's arrived.
I'm off for some grub.
Well time's up.
Got any news for me? No.
I couldn't pull it off.
Sure? Yep.
Unfortunately.
Unless we could make another bet? I don't think so.
Thanks for the advice last night.
Big help.
Aargh! You made a bet on me, Dom.
That was a mistake.
It was just a bit of fun, that's all.
Can you see me laughing? Aargh! You'd have loved it, Dom.
I'm very good.
Aargh! Oh, God! One for the private collection.
(PANTS) You OK? Course.
Hey You fuck off and get your tea.
Get me a large vodka.
OK.
I've just stripped all my bedding.
Washing my sheets.
Don't sleep with women in my bed, Dominic.
It was beyond my control.
You know you're always welcome here.
Family or not.
- You look more like yourself.
- We've missed you.
Worried about you.
Could've gone out in a blaze of glory.
Look how disappointed he is.
I'm parched.
Pint for my boy, and a vodka tonic for me.
Just the one.
Not a bucket-load.
Deceit is a sneaky bastard.
Always bites you on the arse eventually.
You finally, unavoidably, have to face yourself.
Sorry, pal.
Fuck off.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall Please forgive me for it all I want to be an honest soul I am a good girl Kelly Ball.
Electric's dangerous, dickhead.
Aargh! I was adopted.
Can't get my head round a mother keeping one baby and giving another away.
You're adopted.
It's a real shame.
Where's me coat? It's just a coat, mate.
That parka was me.
Pack it in! You've got some fucking balls going for a Maguire.
It's been a really strange night.
(MOANS) I think I'm starting to feel quite trippy.
(CHOKES) Shall we share?