The Simpsons s09e07 Episode Script

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Oh- Oh- [Screaming.]
[Loud Thud.]
Good evening.
I am Kent Brockman.
Our top story- Punks, and lots of'em.
And all to raise money for the Springfield Fire Department to buy a fire engine so they can get to fires.
- Lazy bums.
- Yeah.
Why don't we buy 'em mink stoles while we're at it? - [Both Chortling.]
- Yeah.
Good one.
And now let's hear it for our celebrity auctioneer- Krusty! [Audience Murmuring.]
The Clown! - [Crowd Exclaiming, Cheering.]
- [Woman.]
It's Krusty the Clown! Whoo-hoo! Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey! Hey! Ehh! I ain't readir that.
No, not that either.
Okay.
Let's bring on our first bachelor.
- [Squealing.]
- All right, ladies.
This sexy fellow describes himself as "a big, thirsty teddy bear.
" Say hello to Barney Gumble! ##[Background: Soul Ballad.]
Okay.
Now, what am I bid? Hey! Now I got zero.
I got zero.
I got no bid here.
I got zero.
I'm standir at zero.
Anybody wanna go higher than zero? I got zero right now.
Okay, over there? No.
Zero.
I got nada.
I got zilch.
I got bubkes.
- I got zero.
Nothir.
Hey! - Poor Barney.
[Sighs.]
This lot is withdrawn.
[Belches.]
##[Soul Ballad.]
Come on! He likes sunsets.
What more do you want? Yarr! I'm not attractive.
Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money.
Let's hear it for Moe! ##[Disco.]
Why do we have to stand here? This is so humiliatir.
Arert there any good bachelors in this town? Aw, we're never gonna get that fire engine.
Well, I guess that's it, folks.
[Sign-off Song.]
- ##[Continues, Indistinct.]
- Apu, you're a bachelor.
Get up there.
- Oh, no, no.
Please.
I am nothing special.
- Don't be shy.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
We have one more bachelor.
[Stops.]
Wha- - [Microphone Feedback.]
- Just tell them about yourself.
Oh.
Um- [Clears Throat.]
Well, I have a doctorate in computer science.
- [Excited Murmuring.]
- Sounds pretty good to me.
Um, I run my own business, of course.
- Well.
- Well, now.
I do like to cook.
I'm not much of a talker, but I love to listen.
And in my leisure time, I like to build furniture and then to have a discussion about where it could be placed in a room.
- [Excited Chattering.]
- Get this man.
He's wonderful! - Fifty dollars! - Seventy-five! You better have enough left to pay my alimony, Luann.
- 300.
- 350.
Sold to the five desperate chicks! - [All Whooping.]
- All right! We got 'im! Hooh! - Holy moly! - Wow.
Look who's the ladies' man.
Come on.
l- [Giggling.]
I had a great time, Apu.
And thanks for winning Wubsie.
I had no idea you were such a great shot.
Oh, yes.
All Kwik-E-Mart managers must be skilled in the deadly arts.
- Oh.
[Giggles.]
- [Kiss.]
Ooh.
That date will not be easy to top.
- But we shall see.
- [Honks.]
[Shoes Clattering.]
Anybody up for some clog dancing? Why don't you try and stop me? [Tires Screeching.]
"This is just a note to say I think about you every day.
And when I get you all alone"- Well, it gets a little bit personal here.
I understand.
Yoink! - Wow.
- I know.
- Whoa.
- Tell me about it.
[Moaning.]
Oh.
Here's one from my mother.
Whoo! Let's see what she wrote.
[Tiger Growl.]
- [Yelps.]
- Boy, you hate lotus flowers too.
Don't get me started on lotus flowers.
No.
No, it is the sign that it is time for my arranged marriage.
Oh, well, congratulations.
No, no, no.
Don't you know what it means? Not really.
It all happened shortly after my eighth birthday.
Okay, here we go.
##[Harp Glissando.]
Ten goats and an electric fan? You call that a dowry? Okay.
We will throw in a textile factory but only because Manjula's getting on in years.
Then it is agreed.
Your third daughter will marry our first son.
It is done.
Oh.
I cannot get married.
I am just beginning to enjoy my bachelorhood.
What am I going to do? Tell her the truth.
You're not ready to get married.
No, no.
You do not know Mother.
She will never quit until I am married.
- Then just tell her you're already married.
- No.
I cannot lie to my mother.
Then get married.
What the hell do you want from me? Yes, that is right, Mother.
I already got married.
Why did not I bother to tell you? Well, uh, the reason is, um- Oh.
Well, I guess l- I didn't think you'd understand.
Got to go.
Bye-bye-bye.
I love you.
Love you.
[Kissing.]
[Gasps.]
It worked.
It worked.
The lie has set me free! ##[Sexy Rock.]
##[Continues.]
##[Continues.]
[Screaming.]
- ##[Ends.]
- " Loser.
Loser.
Loser.
" [Gasps.]
$500! Apu, wake up! I wanna buy a Yodel and this lottery ticket.
I have this much.
I'm sorry.
You do not have enough for both.
[Whimpering.]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Yodel.
- [Rings.]
- [Yawns.]
- Late night, huh? - I'm not the type to kiss and tell, sir.
But listen to this.
- [Vehicle Door Opens.]
- Whoa! - Oh, you dog.
- It is my mother! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What am I going to do? - What's the big problem? - But don't you see? She is here to meet my wife.
The wife that I told her I had.
- I do not have a wife! - Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did.
Oh! She's going to be here any second.
[Groans.]
Oh, yes! That will buy me some time.
[Whimpers.]
Homer, you've got to help me.
[Chomping.]
Okay.
Seems to me- [Clears Throat.]
What you oughta do is, um- What, what? What, what, what? Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? - It's you.
- [Door Opens.]
Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.
May I help- [Gasps.]
Mother! What are you doing here? I have come to meet this wife of yours.
And meet her you shall.
It is a very reasonable request that can easily be granted - in a timely and efficient- - Let's go! And go we shall, because it is in the going that we- [Yelping.]
[Moans.]
That Yodel was so good.
- I wish I was eatir it right now.
- [Vehicle Door Closes.]
Oh, crap! I forgot! Marge, I need a small favor.
For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife? - What? - [Doorbell Rings.]
Please! It's just for as long as his mother's living here.
What? Honey, I am in my home.
[Whimpering.]
[Groans.]
Oh.
How was your day, sweetheart? Can you feel the love? Mother, I would like for you to meet my darling wife of many, many good years- mmm, Marge.
Hello.
So, what brings you to America? I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing to disgrace his family and spit on his culture.
Ah.
Here I am.
Okay.
Gotta run.
Apu, I'm sure you wanna get upstairs and fix that broken toilet before Marge yells at you again.
I'm just so honored to have you here in our home.
Thank you.
And having met you let me say how deeply, deeply disappointed I am.
Apu, your arranged bride, Manjula, is a sweet, refined, chaste woman.
- Are you nuts? - Mother, come on.
You know that one out of every 25 arranged marriages ends in divorce.
Oh, Bart and Lisa.
You remember your father, Apu? Well, this is your father Apu's mother.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I cannot believe you did not tell me I had two grandchildren.
But you can't leave.
We're scammir an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.
Sorry, Homer.
I've been plannir this vacation for years.
I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
- Oh, right.
With the giant heads.
- With the what now? - [Snoring.]
- Hey, Dad! I've come to spend some time with my favorite father.
Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
- You're already in a home.
- Oh, how could you? Abraham Simpson.
Cornelius Talmadge.
Oh, no, I'm not- Well, let's see what you got here.
The pink ones keep ya from screamir.
- [Tinkling.]
- All right, folks.
It's suppertime.
- Supper at 4:00? Whoo-hoo! What a sweet deal.
- [Reople Chattering.]
Hey.
They got chairs with wheels.
And here I am using my legs like a sucker.
[Wheels Squeaking.]
[Motor Whirring.]
Oh.
I must apologize for the inconvenience, Marge.
You are a real sport.
Right.
How much longer is she going to be here? Homer was a little sketchy on the details.
It should not be more than a few days.
She really, truly hates you.
Can I ask you about your dot? - What would you like to know? - What's the deal with that dot? Can you see out of it? Does it change colors when you're ticked off? - You tell me.
- Nothing yet.
Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage? As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions- Yes.
Yes, we are.
Fully.
We have to go now.
- [Door Closes.]
- ## [Whistling.]
Jasper.
Gladys.
Beatrice.
Lookir good, Hattie.
Asa.
Hazel.
Hazel.
Hazel! Oh, the hell with her.
Hester.
Emile.
Prudence.
Lemuel.
- Increase.
Dad.
- Cornelius.
- [Bell Tinkling.]
- [Orderly.]
Suppertime.
[Gasps, Grunts.]
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, yes, I do.
Oh, yeah? Eat my dust! - Wow.
Someone sure likes his kidney mush.
- Damn right.
[Sucking.]
Mmm! Who knew that Lay's made liquid potato chips? - I can't suck just one.
- [Buzzes.]
Another bag of chips, Mr.
Talmadge? Please.
Also, I think I'm getting a bedsore.
What do you have to do to get turned around here? [Grunting.]
Hey.
What's Lucky hooked up to? [Grunts.]
A respirator.
It breathes for him.
And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
And how come everyone gets a bedpan and I have to walk all the way over there? - You mean there? - Yeah.
Hello.
I'm Cornelius Talmadge.
My family brought me here on Monday but I broke free and went on a bit of a bender.
Wait a minute.
If you're Cornelius Talmadge, then who's- When I get old, Marge, I want you to promise you'll put me in a home.
It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to appreciate it.
Well, I'm glad you were having fun because I've had my hands full with Apu's mother.
Oh, right, right.
The fake marriage thing.
How's that going? - [Door Opens.]
- Okay, Apu.
I am packed and ready to go to the airpor-Ah! Oh, my God.
Marge! How could you? Oh, Apu, give it up.
[Sighs.]
Mother, I am so sorry.
I lied to you about being married.
He lied to his mother.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
But the fact that I would stage this ridiculous farce surely proves to you how much I do not want to go through with this arranged marriage.
I had no idea how strongly you felt, Apu.
Now wipe that smile off your face.
- We have a wedding to plan.
- [Sighing.]
Oh, yes.
- You know what you could do, Apu? - Shut up.
- You could fake your own death.
- Oh.
Would you shut up? All you need is a car bomb and- I can't believe you don't shut up! Yes.
Yes, Manjula.
I will take care of all the wedding plans.
You just get on a plane and come to America.
[Growls.]
I have to go.
[Speaking Foreign Language.]
Believe me, I'd like to.
[Laughs.]
Good-bye.
I've been looking over this list of things for the ceremony.
I've got the extra wine glasses but I'm still short a tandoori oven an elephant and four castrati.
What's a castrati? I don't know, but I'm sure it's spicy.
- [Hushed.]
Why is that woman still living here? - [Murmurs.]
Hey.
You seen Apu lately? He looks terrible.
Yeah.
Rumor has it Marge threw him out.
Aw, tough break.
She's a beautiful lady.
You got that straight, Barn.
[All.]
To Marge! Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression? Booze, booze and more booze.
Huh.
Nothir like a depressant to chase the blues away.
[All Muttering Agreement.]
Oh.
Manjula and I have not seen each other in 20 years.
Two people cannot fall in love sight unseen.
Hold on there.
I'm countir on that.
Well, just 24 hours of freedom left.
Actually, it's more like 12.
No.
I'm so stupid.
Seven.
It's seven hours.
You have seven hours.
See? Seven.
[Sighs.]
[Morosely Singing Sexy Rock.]
[Ends.]
Come on.
You shouldn't be spending your last hours of bachelorhood in a dump like this.
You should be livir like there's no tomorrow.
And I know just the place.
Ahh.
Is this the life, or what? You want me to turn on the bubbles? Which Bombay-to-Springfield flight is she on- the 10:00, the 10:15 or the 10:30? I am so terribly sorry, sir.
It appears that your tiger has been sent to St.
Louis.
Mm-hmm.
I should send you to St.
Louis! No! No, he's not won'th it.
Can you please indicate your tiger type on this chart? [Together.]
Mmm, number 6.
How's that fire ring coming? - Is it sacred yet? - Almost.
- [Grunting.]
- Can you believe it? Tradition forbids me even to speak to the woman I'm about to spend my life with.
- Has the whole world gone crazy? - Nah.
Just your screwy country.
[Sighs.]
Your old friend Apu is a lamb being led to the slaughter.
Don't worry, Apu.
Someday, you'll meet someone you really love.
I am really doomed.
Only the gods could stop this wedding now.
Gods, eh? [Chattering.]
No, no, no, no.
No pansies for me.
It's the tradition in India.
Yeah, all right.
It'll cover the gravy stains.
- Hey! - Tradition.
Thanks for helping us out, Reverend.
I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony.
Well, Christ is Christ.
Plus, I consulted a Hindu Web site.
[Fanfare.]
Hello, everyone.
What a happy, happy day.
Wow.
I wish I had an elephant.
You did.
His name was Stampy.
- You loved him.
- Oh, yeah.
- [Squeaking.]
- [Trumpeting.]
- [All Gasping.]
Lucky mouse.
- ##[Fanfare.]
- Huh? [Reople Gasp.]
Oh! Manjula? Apu.
Remember me? - Obviously not.
- [Crashing.]
I am the god Ganesh! This wedding angers me! All will die unless it is stopped.
- Oh, God.
- Please! Listen to me! [Eerie Moaning.]
[Speaking Foreign Language.]
[Screams.]
Stop chasing Ganesh! You're just gonna get more wrath! - Oh.
I'm afraid this is all my fault, Manjula.
- [Homer Shouting.]
To be perfectly honest with you I have not exactly been looking forward to this arranged marriage.
Oh.
Nor have I.
Marrying a complete stranger? It is crazy.
All right.
Ganesh has been subdued.
- [Whimpering.]
All will die.
- [Children Grunting.]
Resume the ceremony.
Quickly, tell me.
What is your favorite movie, book and food? Uh, the answer to all three is "fried green tomatoes.
" [Both Laughing.]
- That-That is good.
- [Clears Throat.]
Double-parked.
Oh.
I am so torn.
You are clearly so quick-witted and beautiful.
And when I look in your eyes I see that sweet little boy who sold me my very first kiss.
And I liked it.
Oh.
Do you think this marriage could really work? Who knows? We can always get divorced.
Of course.
God bless America.
And now, ladies and gentlemen let me be the first to present to you Mr.
and Mrs.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
[Cheering.]
Aw, geez! I am no good at weddings.
I am no good at weddings.
##[Band.]
[Singing Pop Ballad In Foreign Language.]
Dad, those peanuts aren't for you.
- They're for the elephant.
- Screw him! [Screams.]
Put me down! Ganesh commands you! [Whimpering.]
Well, so far, so good.
Don't you think? I cannot wait to show you our apartment.
Apartment? Oh, no.
No, no.
You must buy me a house.
And you're getting a haircut.
Oh.
- Got you.
- Oh.
[Laughing.]
- ## [Continues.]
- [Whimpering.]
Come on, elephant! Stop! [Yelping, Groaning.]
Hey, everybody's upside-down.
[Giggling.]
Look at that.
Well.
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!