8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e08 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special.
Sean Lock.
Jon Richardson.
Kathy Burke.
Russell Howard.
Joe Lycett.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special.
A show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, Santa Claus has many different names around the world.
Pere Noel in France, Sinterklass in Holland, and failed actor in your local shopping centre.
The word nog, as in egg nog, is a 17th-century word for alcohol, and can be used in sentences such as "Sean Lock's blood nog level is dangerously high.
" And if you were born on September 16th, you were most likely conceived on Christmas Day.
My birthday is actually September 15th, so I guess Christmas came early for my mum.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Let's meet tonight players, up first it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING For Sean, it feels like Christmas every day, because he always starts drinking at 11am.
And joining Sean tonight is Kathy Burke.
CHEERING Kathy doesn't eat meat.
Not for ethical reasons, she just doesn't like the taste.
Which means Christmas dinner round Kathy's house will be shit.
And up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING It's a special Christmas for Jon, the first time his baby daughter will be visited by Santa.
Of course, Jon knows that one day the time will come when his daughter will sadly realise that Jon is her father.
And Jon's team-mate Russell Howard.
- Hello.
- CHEERING You get volume.
Russell is from Bristol, so at Christmas, there's nothing he likes more than a nice glass of mulled WKD.
That's my safe word.
Jon, talk me through, you've come as sort of Dracula? I've gone for it this year, Jimmy.
I think anyone can wear a Christmas jumper, no offence, I mean, there's some nice jumpers about.
But not as nice as this.
It's a reindeer called Adam.
And this jumper is called Adam and the Antlers.
I mean, it's pretty good.
It's a bit of a laugh, this Christmas lark, innit? That looks like a really nice fire hazard.
And if you press this button, it'll say Jon phrases.
Oh! Lower.
- Russell.
- Yes.
- So, you used to live with Jon.
Did you ever spend a festive period with him? We had a Christmas party once.
It was a lot of fun, do you remember that? - I think I do.
- Yeah.
And before everyone came round, there was 10 people, we were very excited, Jon cooked us all some dinner.
- Oh, I don't remember this.
- Yeah, you do.
And you made the stuffing, and you were very poorly at the party, and JON LAUGHS FILTHILY And everyone left, and I think it was about four people left at the party and I found him by the fridge crying, and he said to me, "I can't stop farting.
" What did you put in the stuffing? "I've made me own, Jimmy, I didn't know what I were doing.
" I don't know what happened.
It was awful.
I seem to remember my sister sort of trying to cuddle you, "It'll be all right, you'll get over this.
" "I won't, I'll be farting forever.
" But the best thing about that party, that was also when I found out about the post office.
Yes, well, I do educate you on the various shops of the high street, one a year.
So, we were talking, like, games you used to play when you were kids, and that's when you first mentioned the post office.
- Yeah, used to run a post office.
- He ran a post office under his bed.
With a couple of his mates.
My favourite story about it was you would have - a break for lunch and elevenses.
- Yeah.
- And didn't you do something with your wives? - Yeah, we had wives.
You have pillows as wives.
They used to bang pillows in front of each other, that's what they were doing.
It's nice, this, isn't it, catching up.
Well, I just assumed everyone was doing it.
- How old were you when you were playing this? 15? - Er - 10? Is that about right? - Yeah, why not? I stopped playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and elevated to running a post office with my wife.
Lee used to run the shop so we'd go down to the kitchen and get some tinned goods, some dried goods, nothing that would perish.
And we'd set up a little shop in the corner of the bedroom, and Sheldon ran the library - which meant standing next to the bookcase on the landing.
- That's it! These all sound like case notes.
Kathy, what's the best thing that's happened to you this year? - I broke my leg.
- Aw! OK.
I mean, I suppose it's not Brexit or Trump, cheer up.
Much better than that, yeah.
Yeah, no, I did, I broke my leg, I took a tumble down some stairs.
They had to double-check the knee, once the leg was healing.
She said, "Oh, there's just a bit of wear and tear on the knee.
" So I said, "Oh, right," and I own up to myself, I said, "Is that because I'm overweight?" And she said, "No, it's probably because you're old.
" That was my year.
Fucked.
What you think is the true meaning of Christmas? I'm really not the right person to ask these questions, Jimmy.
Are you not a big fan of Christmas? I sort of, no, I don't I hate all this shit.
Sorry, are you talking about Christmas or Countdown, now? No, no, it's all this.
That tree, and balls everywhere, and snowmen and people being happy.
- This crap, look at this, what he's wearing.
- My name is Jon.
What do you do on Christmas Day, then? Well, I've sort of changed my routine now, because the dog died, as we know.
Broken leg and the dog's dead, so If anyone wants to come round mine, you know.
- So, you changed your routine because the dog died.
- Yeah.
So what was the routine? Well, the routine used to be I wouldn't see anyone except the dog, basically.
So I'd take the dog out in the morning.
You see people out and about, all happy, they think because it's Christmas Day, this is the problem, they think they can say hello to you.
- Oh, liberty takers, am I right? Liberty takers.
- Out of order.
- OK.
Sean, what's your favourite thing about Christmas? My favourite date is the 28th which is like a little island between heartburn and headache.
Just in between the two.
- But Christmas isn't my favourite day of the year.
- What's your favourite? My favourite day of the year is that day, it's a bit like Easter, it doesn't have an exact date, it's the day the flying ants come out.
- Ohh! - I love that day.
- Boil a kettle.
All the flying ants come out, and you just, they take you by surprise.
If it turns out you're on holiday, I'm like, oh, bollocks, I've missed the flying ants.
You must get a lot of presents at Christmas, Sean.
- Yeah, course I do.
- What do you do with your unwanted gifts? Because I'm so popular.
Depends on the size.
If I can get them over the back wall, that's good.
To me, this is what I sincerely believe, I think all gifts are unwanted.
I think all gifts, because I don't believe in owning things, in material possessions.
I'm a bit like a Cherokee.
I think by owning something, you kill its intrinsic beauty, whatever is attractive about it is killed by the ownership of it.
So I just prefer the cash.
- Oh, I love it.
- I've a good mind to take this jumper off.
I feel stupid now because nobody likes Christmas.
- I like Christmas, mate.
- I feel like I'm dressed like a tit.
- Well, take it off, take it off.
- I'm going to take it off.
Wear something normal.
Just wear what I had on anyway.
A snooker player having a breakdown.
Well, Jon, have you got a mascot? I thought I'd educate some people on some of the aspects of Christmas that people aren't so aware of.
So some of the traditions in other countries.
So, this is a German antique cauldron, that they use.
It's not mulled wine if it's made in anything other than a proper cast-iron, and this is called a moo-ler, or a muller.
This is only a small one, this is a Muller light.
It's got some sweets in it.
So they have these in Germany, that's where they have these.
And across the world, the cultures are different.
Santa of course comes in, he has his mince pie and he spills bits.
In Spain, they believe that those bits are picked up by what they call the Christ-mouse.
Isn't that the creature that lives inside Jeremy Kyle? Get off my show! That must take some getting used to, though.
If you're a little kid and you go, Christmas! Waggling in front of you.
I don't care whether you're Spanish or otherwise, that's terrifying.
There's the slogan for Brexit.
I don't care if you're Spanish or otherwise, we've made our choice.
And this is in northern Germany, we have Santa Claus and they have Santa Claw.
And he comes in at night.
He brings the gifts, sort of This is just Halloween tat.
It's other cultures.
- It's not other cultures, it's Halloween.
- The Christmas bat.
And, like, you have advent candles, don't you, you light it and when the candle burns out it's Christmas.
- And in some countries - In some countries, they have Halloween.
And you got some stuff on sale, didn't you? It's fine for the guests, innit? They come on one show, they do a mascot.
We've done about 65 of these.
It costs a lot of money getting all these mascots.
Christmas stuff now is very dear.
This is cheap as chips.
I think the Christ-mouse will catch on, and I've got 300 of these.
Jon's Christmas mascots, everyone.
Halloween, basically, Halloween.
Russell? Russell, have you got a mascot, what did you bring? I've got this here.
Which is the this is the Owl of Ishra.
Yeah, my family play my sister's husband's family at five-a-side - every year, and whoever wins gets this.
- The Owl of Ishra? - So you play five-a-side against your sister's - Husband and his crew.
- Right.
- And - His crew? - Yeah.
- Mum and dad? - His mum and dad, yeah.
And me and my brother made this trophy.
We got this trophy from a 99p shop, and then we were walking past another shop that sells stuffed owls, and I had an idea.
And we glue gunned that.
Bloody brilliant morning.
And then we presented the trophy.
Now, some say that no-one wants this thing in their house.
But that's bollocks.
TROPHY SQUEAKS ACROSS DESK - Are you hoping that will bring you luck tonight? - It will bring me luck.
Good.
Kathy, have you got a mascot? I have, I've got a couple of mascots.
- Couple, go on, let's have a look.
- Thought I'd be jolly.
It's a bit late.
So, this, these, I got them, they're Obama mints.
- Oh, nice.
- Right? And it's got on it, "Yes, we candy.
" I thought, a mate of mine got me them eight years ago, when beautiful President Obama got in in America, and I thought, what I can do with them now? They're mints.
I thought, what I'd do, I'd give them to Nigel Farage because he's had his tongue so far up Donald Trump's arse .
.
he's going to need a few mints.
He can suck on them.
APPLAUSE And then, I've got a couple of nice things here.
Because, I've started going on Twitter.
I like it, I like trolling.
A few years ago, back in the last century, I used to do a comedy show called Gimme Gimme Gimme.
And this guy called Russell, he's had my face tattooed on his leg.
Isn't that beautiful? And then there's another guy on Twitter called Kabuki.
A couple of years ago, I did a little sketch and I played the Mona Lisa.
And Kabuki decided to Christmas me up.
Can you see that now? - Christmas Mona Lisa.
- Christmas Mona Lisa there.
I love it.
OK.
Sean, I imagine you've got a mascot, have you? - Obviously, party season, innit, Christmas.
- Oh, yeah.
- And you find a lot of these things.
- Party poppers, lovely, fun.
Like that.
Sometimes they're more fun than that.
Sometimes they can be as good as this.
Like that.
So I thought, I want to look for something a bit more serious, - really get the party going.
- OK.
- So I went on the dark web.
And I found this baby.
- We've got the rope here you ready? - Yeah, yeah.
- Just sort of get in the mood.
- Sure, let's go.
- Get the party started.
I mean, it looks awesome.
VERY LOUD EXPLOSION Sean's mascot, everyone.
OK, over in dictionary Corner, it's Joe Lycett.
CHEERING Jo is bisexual, so the best thing about Christmas for him is he can have as much breast as he wants and still have room for stuffing.
What's Christmas like in the Lycett household? I wouldn't know, I'm not invited.
They don't want me there any more, because I keep slagging them off on television.
Maybe you and I could go for Kathy and I could go for Christmas together.
No, I don't want any company.
- If you want, you can come round my house.
- Nah.
Are you all talking, or can anyone else just hear ringing? And next to Joe, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING Susie's new book is out just in time for Christmas.
Finally we know what all the children on Santa's naughty list are getting this year.
Susie, what's the best Christmas gift you've ever received? Probably, genuinely, a very beautiful bra from Rachel Riley.
Bloody hell.
Rachel Riley, this is in the real world, because this is how I imagine you guys.
Was it at a slumber party? What happened? Paint a picture.
It was very beautifully wrapped and very well chosen.
It doesn't mean anything, does it? I often buy Jon underpants all the time.
I get through a lot.
OK.
And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
CHEERING Rachel recently revealed that she thinks Sean is the funniest person on this show.
If you're going to be like that about it, Rachel, I think Jon's got the nicest bum.
I'll take that.
Rachel, do you ever get any Christmas gifts from fans? I once got a pack of five pairs of Asda Value tights.
From Susie? No.
And I got a bird feeder.
But I haven't got anywhere to put it at home, so it's actually in my numbers trolley, it's actually attached, screwed into it.
- What do you mean, numbers trolley? - The bit with the numbers, there's actually a bird feeder and a birdhouse underneath there.
Just in case.
OK.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown build your own snowman kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Russell, you get the first pick of the letters.
- I still can't hear anything.
- Pick the letters.
Vowel.
Thanks, Russell.
- A - Consonant, please.
- B - Let's have another consonant.
See where this is going.
- G - A vowel.
I - And then - You're doing well, mate, carry on.
- Don't lose confidence.
- I'm not losing confidence.
- It's going to be fine.
- Ooh, don't touch me either.
Can I have two more consonants? S, N.
Another consonant, please.
- D - Let's have a vowel, please.
- O - And then another consonant.
And M.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
# You will hear a sentimental feeling when you hear # Voices singing let's be jolly # Deck the halls with boughs of holly # Rocking around the Christmas tree # Have a happy holiday # Everyone's dancing merrily In the new old-fashioned way! CHEERING The Countdown gospel choir, they'll be back in a bit.
Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- OK, Russell? Five, I think, but probably Well, yeah, hopefully five.
I'll take five as your final answer there, as you said five a number of times.
- Kathy? - Six.
- Sean? - Six.
OK, Russell, let's hear your five, definitely five, I think it might be a five, could be a five.
- Is it a four? No, five, five.
- It's a four.
MINGS? - MINGS? - Yeah, I'm not sure it's - As in - Oh, she MINGS, mate.
- Is that a word? Is MINGS in there? - There's MINGE, MINGER and MINGING.
But there's no MING, apart from the dynasty.
- It's interesting that you can be a minger but you can't MING.
- Yeah.
Don't say that to Susie, she's a lovely lady.
- Kathy, your six? - I don't know whether it's a word.
BAGISM.
BAGISM? Not in here.
BAG LADY, BAG LUNCH, BAG MAN.
BAGGY WRINKLE, that's fun.
Nice.
Sean, your six? GASSING With one S? And you need another G.
Apart from that Susie, you're being kind of a dick today.
I did have another six.
I went for BAGISM because I thought it sounded better.
DOINGS.
DOINGS, I think it's Christmas, we'd allow you to have that.
I think DOINGS is fine.
I'm sure that is OK.
- That's fine.
- Hurrah! Nothing wrong with that.
Why not? Doings.
Jon, your six? I was trying to find festive words, but there weren't many in there.
BINGOS, but I thought BOINGS is quite festive.
If you get an erection at Christmas.
BOINGS, Susie, is it in there? Yeah, to make a reverberating sound.
And if you had loads of them, you could have MAD BOINGS.
Wasn't that your rap name for a while? Six points to both teams.
- Such a loud atmosphere.
- I know.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? There was another six, which was GONADS.
It doesn't get any more Christmassy than those little baubles, does it? - And there was a seven, wasn't there? There was DOMAINS.
- DOMAINS, yeah.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Sean, Kathy, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I hate this bit.
Well, we're just talking to Kathy about it, she's going to - you're going to opt out, really.
- Yeah, I never do the numbers.
- Sorry, Rachel.
- What do you normally do at home when the numbers come on? - I make a cup of tea.
- OK, right, so Sean, Kathy, pick the numbers.
So, we'll go for two from the top.
- Thank you, Sean.
- And everywhere else, please.
And four little 'uns.
- Are you going to go to the bar or anything, or just? - What, now? Yeah.
If you're not going to do it, you could get some beers in.
We could get some shots.
There's a new one called the Craig David and you do shot of tequila and a shot of pineapple.
Oh, you get shitfaced, it's brilliant.
Sorry, why is it called the Craig David? - I don't know.
- Because you lose seven days.
We've got 8, 9, 3, 6, 25 and 100.
Come on, Kathy, you've got a pen in your hand.
- You know you want this.
- 944.
And your time starts, Kathy, give it a go, now.
So, the target was 944.
Russell, did you get it? - I noticed at the end you sang along with the clock.
- Yeah.
I mean, let's be honest with myself, I've got 900.
That's all I've got.
But I was trying to, I was trying to do something round the back, I was trying to I was seeing what I could do with 6, 3, 25 and 8, and I was doing a bit of multiplying, adding, but it's just come to a river of shit.
- Kathy, did you even bother? - Yeah, and I was better than Russell.
- I got 939.
- Sean, did you get it? No, I didn't, I got completely, went off in a direction, got lost.
Suddenly felt very alone.
- OK, Jon, did you get it? - I think I did.
All right, well, how did you do it? 100 x 8 100 x 8 = 800 6 x 25 Oh, see 6 x 25 = 150 Add that on.
Then take away 9 - 3.
For the 6, lovely, well done.
- Ten points to Jon.
- Well done, mate.
OK, so, Sean and Kathy have six points, Jon and Russell have 16.
Yeah! Right up your ass! And here is your first teaser.
The words are SHAG NOEL, and the clue is, a real turn-on.
That's SHAG NOEL, a real turn-on.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SHAG NOEL and the clue was a real turn.
And it was, of course, HALOGENS.
So Jon and Russell are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Cathy and Jon.
Cathy, your turn to chose the letters.
- Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? - Thank you, Cathy.
- T.
- And a A consonant.
- Do you want to write them down? - Oh, yeah.
H And a consonant.
- T.
- And a vowel, please.
U Oh.
And a vowel, please.
E A vowel, please.
A And a consonant.
J Oh, these are rubbish.
A consonant and a vowel, then, please.
N and - An E.
- Crumbs.
- OK.
Well, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon, how many? Five.
Cathy, how many? - Five.
- OK, Cathy.
Let's hear your five.
- TEETH.
- As in someone that steals things? Jon? - JUNTA.
- Are they both in there? TEETH, you need two Es.
- We have got two Es.
- Have we got two Es? I hadn't written down two Es.
- I didn't.
- What the fuck you doing? OK, is JUNTA in there? Yes, that's absolutely fine.
- Very good.
- Well, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I might just unplug this.
Hang on.
I'll do those later - they're bloody tangled.
Right.
OK.
Joe, Susie - could they have done any better? Well, I feel like Susie could have done better, if she'd paid attention.
I misheard.
I put down a P instead of a T.
Yeah, however, I then showed her the right letters and, within half a second, she went, "ATTUNE.
" What, she sneezed? Six was the best you could have done? OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Cathy have 11, Jon and Russell have 21.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING It's time now for Sean and Russell to go head-to-head.
Russell, your turn to pick the numbers.
Whatever you'd like, Rachel.
Make them really easy, please.
Easiest is one large and five little ones.
Come on.
You can do it, Russell.
10, another 10.
It's looking good(!) 1 Oh, no! What! 2 And the target And your time starts now.
# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play # Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day So let the bells ring out for Christmas.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So, the target was 641.
How did you do, Russell? Well, you know, maths is tricky at the best of times.
The choir made it weirder.
You were brilliant, but I was trying to concentrate and there was all that lovely music, and I just wanted to sway, I wanted to dance.
So I've just written 75.
Sean? I got to 645.
645.
How did you do that? I took a 10, one of the 10s RACHEL: This one? SEAN: I took a 1 away from it.
Which creates 9.
And then I times that by 75.
Right, and then I added the other 1 and the 2.
RACHEL: Yeah.
And I times that, which makes 3.
And then I thought, what's the point? LAUGHTER Who cares anyway? It's Christmas.
No.
1 + 2 = 3.
Then 3 x 10 = 30.
- Then take that away.
- RACHEL: Yep.
Seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE Rachel, how did you do it? I can see Joe's getting excited over there.
Go on, how did you get it? 75 - 10 - 1 = 64.
- 64 x 10 = 640.
- 640.
- Add the other 1.
- Go, Joe! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, it's me, Russell.
How many points to me? You don't get any points because you're in Dictionary Corner.
No, I'm not.
Was that your impression of Russell? I'm Russell.
OK, swap back.
Come on.
OK, so Sean and Cathy have 18 points, Jon and Russell have 21.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Joe, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, I've got some of my comedy correspondence.
I always leave my Christmas shopping to the last minute, and last year was no exception.
On 23rd December, I found a bowl, a fruit bowl, that I thought my mother would quite like, on an online store based in Birmingham, which is where I live.
So I e-mailed them to ask if I could get the delivery quicker than their usual five working days, cos I needed them for Christmas.
I received this e-mail from Chris.
He said, "Mr Lycett, thank you for your e-mail.
"This item is an online exclusive, "therefore we can only arrange it online.
"Delivery is five working days.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" I'm not sure his regards were kind, actually.
So I replied, "Dear Chris, thank you for your kind regards.
"The issue is that I need the bowl tomorrow, as it's a Christmas gift.
"Is there no way I can pay extra for next-day delivery "or pay online and collect it? Very kind regards, Joe.
" He replied, "Dear Mr Lycett.
"We only offer delivery in five working days, unfortunately.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" Definitely unkind.
So I replied, "Chris, I need this bowl for Christmas Day, "which occurs famously on 25th December.
" "Where does the bowl reside?" "Is it in physical form in your shop in Birmingham "or does it exist as an ethereal spirit "within the internet, "manifesting itself only when purchased through your online store? "Regards, Joe.
" He replied, "Mr Lycett, I see.
" Well done, Chris.
"We wouldn't normally, as it is an online exclusive, "but as a gesture of goodwill that can be arranged.
"If you order through the website and come in later, you can collect.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" So I went in, paid ?4.
99 postage and packaging on the website.
Went in, collected the bowl, gave it to Mum, she loved it.
Very nice Christmas.
Few days after New Year, another bowl arrives at the house, doesn't it? Get this e-mail - "Mr Lycett, I'm contacting you "regarding your purchase.
"We sent you a bowl in error after you collected one from our shop.
"Could you return it to us? "If you would like to keep it, we can arrange payment for it.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" So I replied, "Hello, Chris.
Here is the bowl.
" And just attached a picture of the bowl.
He said, "Yes, Mr Lycett, that's the bowl I'm referring to.
"Could you advise when you'll be returning the bowl?" I replied, "I don't understand, Chris, "I returned the bowl in the last e-mail.
The bowl is online only.
" "It exists within the e-mail.
" "As a gesture of goodwill, "if you send me the ?4.
99 I paid for postage and packaging, "I'll return it in physical form.
"All my love, Joe.
" He replied, "Keep the bowl and keep the change.
" And just attached a picture of a fiver.
APPLAUSE Joe Lycett, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TINSEL HO.
The clue is - call me.
That's TINSEL HO - Call me! See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TINSEL HO, the clue was call me.
It was, of course, HOTLINES.
Before we go on, please welcome to the show Joe Wilkinsonsorry, Santa Claus, to give us all our presents.
CHEERING MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams APPLAUSE AND CHEERING MUSIC STOPS Are you, um? Are you? Are you all right, Joe? No.
Just got Guys, I just got mugged and no-one stepped in.
You were all just sat there! LAUGHTER I thought you probably owed them money or something.
You just stood there, didn't you? Why didn't you step in, mate? This is cos I won't let you eat tinsel, isn't it? I got everyone presents, so that's ruined, cos these aren't real, mate.
The presents are gone.
They're not real.
Got Rachel some eggnog, cos she's a pisshead.
Got Jon some stilts, you know, so he could He could look normal.
I got Sean a chainsaw to play with and I got Susie a tennis racket cos she loves tennis.
And to add insult to injury, they went and shoved it up my arse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Susie, do you want to pull your Christmas present out of my arse? And, Rachel, do us a favour - can you hold on to my arms? Cos she's going to need a hell of a lot of leverage.
Can you hold my hands? And, Susie, if you want to go round the business end MUSIC: Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms Don't play a song, mate! Give it some welly! No, it's stuck.
It's not coming out.
MUSIC STOPS Thanks a lot, mate, I'm going to have to spend Christmas with a tennis racket up my arse.
Christmas is ruined, but let's play Countdown! CHEERING OK, on with the game.
Jon and Russell, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want a drink? Do you want a cocktail? - Yeah, of course.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Tell you what, you carry on, I'll make you a cocktail.
- Oh, lovely.
- No worries.
Have you got a straw? A funnel? - Go on, crack on, I'll make - Jon, go ahead.
You A consonant, please.
R And a vowel, please.
O And a consonant, please.
F And a consonant, please.
L And a vowel, please.
- Do you like Campari? - I.
And another vowel, please.
U And a consonant, please.
N And another vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
OK, and your time startsnow.
# Last Christmas # I gave you my heart # And the very next day # You gave it away # This year # To save me from tears # I'll give it to someone special - # Oh, last Christmas - Last Christmas - # I gave you my heart - I gave you my heart, yeah - # And the very next day - Oh, yeah - # You gave it away - Gave it away - # This year - This year - # To save me from tears - To save me from tears - # I'll give it to someone special - Oh.
# CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, how many? How many have you got, Russell? - Five.
- Five.
Jon? - A Christmas six.
- Oh! Sean.
- Five.
- And Kathy? - Yeah, five.
- Go on, what's your five, Kathy? - ROUST.
- ROUST is fine.
- Yeah, that's a good word.
Sean, what's yours? - TUNES.
- Russell? - LOSER.
- OK.
Jon, you've got a six, Christmassy six.
Come on.
TINSEL! Ah! Oh, my God, there was TINSEL up there the whole time! Oh, TINSEL's there! APPLAUSE How's Rachel's cocktail? How's it coming? - It's done.
- Oh! - There you go.
Do I not get an umbrella? - Oh, you want an umbrella? All right, hold on.
Here you go.
- Oh.
- Shall I taste it? - Yeah, have a swig.
Yeah, go on.
Did you put any mixers in? I did what? - It's all right, isn't it? - Quite nice.
- Yeah, cheers, yeah.
- Yeah.
I call it Hot Nipple.
Makes one of your eyes go slightly blind.
- Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - There are a few sixes, like, SILENT was there.
But there's a nine - OUTLINERS.
OUTLINERS.
APPLAUSE OK, joining the Dictionary Corner once more, Joe, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, I've got something that I think Kathy would quite like.
You were talking about trolling earlier on Twitter.
Yeah, love trolling.
Well, there's a big figure of the last year that I've been trolling quite a lot.
His name is Donald J Trump.
He's the president elect, or president erect, as I'm calling him, just for lols.
These are the genuine tweets that I've been sending to him.
It's five letters that I'm sending to him.
Any time he tweets something a bit stroppy, I just reply with "ok hun".
Here are a few examples.
Donald Trump tweeted, "I cancelled today's meeting with the failing New York Times" I replied And then this one I replied LAUGHTER I'm also going to hold him to some of his pledges, so this is one that I tweeted at him.
I said, "All right, mate, quick question" LAUGHTER Another quick one.
"When you start on the wall" But the main thing I've been doing, I've been trying to hit his businesses, mainly his hotels.
I have been trying to book Syrian refugees into his hotels for a while.
But what I'm doing now is I'm just writing reviews of his hotels on a well-known review site.
I'll read you a few of them.
This is of his hotel in Chicago "A really relaxing stay, very comfortable, "and some lovely pictures of Donald on the walls.
"It is such a testament to him that he has achieved "so much and gained so many votes when he looks like a Lego head "that's been put in the microwave.
" LAUGHTER And the final one.
This is of his hotel in Ireland, Golf Links And Hotel Ireland.
"Fantastic hotel.
"I came to play golf and stayed for the leisure facilities.
"I must say, the golf course was really fantastic.
"As good as any I've been to and I've been to three.
"I was also pleased to see that when a family of Muslims came in, "they were tasered to the ground and removed.
"Couldn't ask for more.
" Joe Lycett, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, the scores at the moment - Sean and Kathy have 18, Jon and Russell are on 27.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are POO FROST, the clue is - watch your step, Santa, that's POO FROST.
Watch your step, Santa, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were POO FROST.
The clue was - watch your step, Santa.
It was, of course, ROOFTOPS.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Kathy, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please.
- Thank you, Kathy.
- S - HE SCOFFS - A consonant.
- LAUGHTER R Consonant.
L Vowel.
- A - LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
O Consonant.
- Ah! - C.
- LAUGHTER Consonant.
- And a vowel, please.
- Ah! - U.
- Oh, another one.
- LAUGHTER And, er, what do you reckon? Another vowel.
- Anyone mind if I lie down? - E.
- LAUGHTER OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER - Ooh! - LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Oh, isn't this fun? I'll try and hit it with my arse - my arse racquet.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Right, ready? This is the one.
This is the one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Kathy, how many did you get? - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Seven! Sean, how many letters? - Seven.
- OK, Jon? - A Christmas six.
- A Christmassy six.
Lovely.
- Russell? - I got five.
- OK, let's hear your five.
SOLAR OK, SOLAR.
Jon, your six? CAROLS - ALL: Aw! - RACHEL: Very nice.
- Christmassy.
- JON: God bless us, everyone.
LAUGHTER This isn't that different to when I normally brush my hair.
LAUGHTER Sean, what was your seven? ROUTERS - You need two Rs.
- OK.
- Kathy, your seven? COLLATES Er, you need two Ls.
Oh, do you? - Yes.
- Susie! It's Christmas time! Yeah, you can drop the L sometimes.
"Noel" is fine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
6 points to Jon.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? A couple of sevens - CLARETS and SCROTAL.
LAUGHTER OK, so, Sean and Kathy have 18, Jon and Russell have 33.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
All right, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BUZZER FLICKERED Let's have a look and see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, the final scores are, Sean and Kathy have 18 points, but tonight's winners with 43, Jon and Russell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown build-your-own-snowman kit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You can just shake his little hand.
LAUGHTER
Sean Lock.
Jon Richardson.
Kathy Burke.
Russell Howard.
Joe Lycett.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special.
A show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, Santa Claus has many different names around the world.
Pere Noel in France, Sinterklass in Holland, and failed actor in your local shopping centre.
The word nog, as in egg nog, is a 17th-century word for alcohol, and can be used in sentences such as "Sean Lock's blood nog level is dangerously high.
" And if you were born on September 16th, you were most likely conceived on Christmas Day.
My birthday is actually September 15th, so I guess Christmas came early for my mum.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Let's meet tonight players, up first it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING For Sean, it feels like Christmas every day, because he always starts drinking at 11am.
And joining Sean tonight is Kathy Burke.
CHEERING Kathy doesn't eat meat.
Not for ethical reasons, she just doesn't like the taste.
Which means Christmas dinner round Kathy's house will be shit.
And up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING It's a special Christmas for Jon, the first time his baby daughter will be visited by Santa.
Of course, Jon knows that one day the time will come when his daughter will sadly realise that Jon is her father.
And Jon's team-mate Russell Howard.
- Hello.
- CHEERING You get volume.
Russell is from Bristol, so at Christmas, there's nothing he likes more than a nice glass of mulled WKD.
That's my safe word.
Jon, talk me through, you've come as sort of Dracula? I've gone for it this year, Jimmy.
I think anyone can wear a Christmas jumper, no offence, I mean, there's some nice jumpers about.
But not as nice as this.
It's a reindeer called Adam.
And this jumper is called Adam and the Antlers.
I mean, it's pretty good.
It's a bit of a laugh, this Christmas lark, innit? That looks like a really nice fire hazard.
And if you press this button, it'll say Jon phrases.
Oh! Lower.
- Russell.
- Yes.
- So, you used to live with Jon.
Did you ever spend a festive period with him? We had a Christmas party once.
It was a lot of fun, do you remember that? - I think I do.
- Yeah.
And before everyone came round, there was 10 people, we were very excited, Jon cooked us all some dinner.
- Oh, I don't remember this.
- Yeah, you do.
And you made the stuffing, and you were very poorly at the party, and JON LAUGHS FILTHILY And everyone left, and I think it was about four people left at the party and I found him by the fridge crying, and he said to me, "I can't stop farting.
" What did you put in the stuffing? "I've made me own, Jimmy, I didn't know what I were doing.
" I don't know what happened.
It was awful.
I seem to remember my sister sort of trying to cuddle you, "It'll be all right, you'll get over this.
" "I won't, I'll be farting forever.
" But the best thing about that party, that was also when I found out about the post office.
Yes, well, I do educate you on the various shops of the high street, one a year.
So, we were talking, like, games you used to play when you were kids, and that's when you first mentioned the post office.
- Yeah, used to run a post office.
- He ran a post office under his bed.
With a couple of his mates.
My favourite story about it was you would have - a break for lunch and elevenses.
- Yeah.
- And didn't you do something with your wives? - Yeah, we had wives.
You have pillows as wives.
They used to bang pillows in front of each other, that's what they were doing.
It's nice, this, isn't it, catching up.
Well, I just assumed everyone was doing it.
- How old were you when you were playing this? 15? - Er - 10? Is that about right? - Yeah, why not? I stopped playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and elevated to running a post office with my wife.
Lee used to run the shop so we'd go down to the kitchen and get some tinned goods, some dried goods, nothing that would perish.
And we'd set up a little shop in the corner of the bedroom, and Sheldon ran the library - which meant standing next to the bookcase on the landing.
- That's it! These all sound like case notes.
Kathy, what's the best thing that's happened to you this year? - I broke my leg.
- Aw! OK.
I mean, I suppose it's not Brexit or Trump, cheer up.
Much better than that, yeah.
Yeah, no, I did, I broke my leg, I took a tumble down some stairs.
They had to double-check the knee, once the leg was healing.
She said, "Oh, there's just a bit of wear and tear on the knee.
" So I said, "Oh, right," and I own up to myself, I said, "Is that because I'm overweight?" And she said, "No, it's probably because you're old.
" That was my year.
Fucked.
What you think is the true meaning of Christmas? I'm really not the right person to ask these questions, Jimmy.
Are you not a big fan of Christmas? I sort of, no, I don't I hate all this shit.
Sorry, are you talking about Christmas or Countdown, now? No, no, it's all this.
That tree, and balls everywhere, and snowmen and people being happy.
- This crap, look at this, what he's wearing.
- My name is Jon.
What do you do on Christmas Day, then? Well, I've sort of changed my routine now, because the dog died, as we know.
Broken leg and the dog's dead, so If anyone wants to come round mine, you know.
- So, you changed your routine because the dog died.
- Yeah.
So what was the routine? Well, the routine used to be I wouldn't see anyone except the dog, basically.
So I'd take the dog out in the morning.
You see people out and about, all happy, they think because it's Christmas Day, this is the problem, they think they can say hello to you.
- Oh, liberty takers, am I right? Liberty takers.
- Out of order.
- OK.
Sean, what's your favourite thing about Christmas? My favourite date is the 28th which is like a little island between heartburn and headache.
Just in between the two.
- But Christmas isn't my favourite day of the year.
- What's your favourite? My favourite day of the year is that day, it's a bit like Easter, it doesn't have an exact date, it's the day the flying ants come out.
- Ohh! - I love that day.
- Boil a kettle.
All the flying ants come out, and you just, they take you by surprise.
If it turns out you're on holiday, I'm like, oh, bollocks, I've missed the flying ants.
You must get a lot of presents at Christmas, Sean.
- Yeah, course I do.
- What do you do with your unwanted gifts? Because I'm so popular.
Depends on the size.
If I can get them over the back wall, that's good.
To me, this is what I sincerely believe, I think all gifts are unwanted.
I think all gifts, because I don't believe in owning things, in material possessions.
I'm a bit like a Cherokee.
I think by owning something, you kill its intrinsic beauty, whatever is attractive about it is killed by the ownership of it.
So I just prefer the cash.
- Oh, I love it.
- I've a good mind to take this jumper off.
I feel stupid now because nobody likes Christmas.
- I like Christmas, mate.
- I feel like I'm dressed like a tit.
- Well, take it off, take it off.
- I'm going to take it off.
Wear something normal.
Just wear what I had on anyway.
A snooker player having a breakdown.
Well, Jon, have you got a mascot? I thought I'd educate some people on some of the aspects of Christmas that people aren't so aware of.
So some of the traditions in other countries.
So, this is a German antique cauldron, that they use.
It's not mulled wine if it's made in anything other than a proper cast-iron, and this is called a moo-ler, or a muller.
This is only a small one, this is a Muller light.
It's got some sweets in it.
So they have these in Germany, that's where they have these.
And across the world, the cultures are different.
Santa of course comes in, he has his mince pie and he spills bits.
In Spain, they believe that those bits are picked up by what they call the Christ-mouse.
Isn't that the creature that lives inside Jeremy Kyle? Get off my show! That must take some getting used to, though.
If you're a little kid and you go, Christmas! Waggling in front of you.
I don't care whether you're Spanish or otherwise, that's terrifying.
There's the slogan for Brexit.
I don't care if you're Spanish or otherwise, we've made our choice.
And this is in northern Germany, we have Santa Claus and they have Santa Claw.
And he comes in at night.
He brings the gifts, sort of This is just Halloween tat.
It's other cultures.
- It's not other cultures, it's Halloween.
- The Christmas bat.
And, like, you have advent candles, don't you, you light it and when the candle burns out it's Christmas.
- And in some countries - In some countries, they have Halloween.
And you got some stuff on sale, didn't you? It's fine for the guests, innit? They come on one show, they do a mascot.
We've done about 65 of these.
It costs a lot of money getting all these mascots.
Christmas stuff now is very dear.
This is cheap as chips.
I think the Christ-mouse will catch on, and I've got 300 of these.
Jon's Christmas mascots, everyone.
Halloween, basically, Halloween.
Russell? Russell, have you got a mascot, what did you bring? I've got this here.
Which is the this is the Owl of Ishra.
Yeah, my family play my sister's husband's family at five-a-side - every year, and whoever wins gets this.
- The Owl of Ishra? - So you play five-a-side against your sister's - Husband and his crew.
- Right.
- And - His crew? - Yeah.
- Mum and dad? - His mum and dad, yeah.
And me and my brother made this trophy.
We got this trophy from a 99p shop, and then we were walking past another shop that sells stuffed owls, and I had an idea.
And we glue gunned that.
Bloody brilliant morning.
And then we presented the trophy.
Now, some say that no-one wants this thing in their house.
But that's bollocks.
TROPHY SQUEAKS ACROSS DESK - Are you hoping that will bring you luck tonight? - It will bring me luck.
Good.
Kathy, have you got a mascot? I have, I've got a couple of mascots.
- Couple, go on, let's have a look.
- Thought I'd be jolly.
It's a bit late.
So, this, these, I got them, they're Obama mints.
- Oh, nice.
- Right? And it's got on it, "Yes, we candy.
" I thought, a mate of mine got me them eight years ago, when beautiful President Obama got in in America, and I thought, what I can do with them now? They're mints.
I thought, what I'd do, I'd give them to Nigel Farage because he's had his tongue so far up Donald Trump's arse .
.
he's going to need a few mints.
He can suck on them.
APPLAUSE And then, I've got a couple of nice things here.
Because, I've started going on Twitter.
I like it, I like trolling.
A few years ago, back in the last century, I used to do a comedy show called Gimme Gimme Gimme.
And this guy called Russell, he's had my face tattooed on his leg.
Isn't that beautiful? And then there's another guy on Twitter called Kabuki.
A couple of years ago, I did a little sketch and I played the Mona Lisa.
And Kabuki decided to Christmas me up.
Can you see that now? - Christmas Mona Lisa.
- Christmas Mona Lisa there.
I love it.
OK.
Sean, I imagine you've got a mascot, have you? - Obviously, party season, innit, Christmas.
- Oh, yeah.
- And you find a lot of these things.
- Party poppers, lovely, fun.
Like that.
Sometimes they're more fun than that.
Sometimes they can be as good as this.
Like that.
So I thought, I want to look for something a bit more serious, - really get the party going.
- OK.
- So I went on the dark web.
And I found this baby.
- We've got the rope here you ready? - Yeah, yeah.
- Just sort of get in the mood.
- Sure, let's go.
- Get the party started.
I mean, it looks awesome.
VERY LOUD EXPLOSION Sean's mascot, everyone.
OK, over in dictionary Corner, it's Joe Lycett.
CHEERING Jo is bisexual, so the best thing about Christmas for him is he can have as much breast as he wants and still have room for stuffing.
What's Christmas like in the Lycett household? I wouldn't know, I'm not invited.
They don't want me there any more, because I keep slagging them off on television.
Maybe you and I could go for Kathy and I could go for Christmas together.
No, I don't want any company.
- If you want, you can come round my house.
- Nah.
Are you all talking, or can anyone else just hear ringing? And next to Joe, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING Susie's new book is out just in time for Christmas.
Finally we know what all the children on Santa's naughty list are getting this year.
Susie, what's the best Christmas gift you've ever received? Probably, genuinely, a very beautiful bra from Rachel Riley.
Bloody hell.
Rachel Riley, this is in the real world, because this is how I imagine you guys.
Was it at a slumber party? What happened? Paint a picture.
It was very beautifully wrapped and very well chosen.
It doesn't mean anything, does it? I often buy Jon underpants all the time.
I get through a lot.
OK.
And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
CHEERING Rachel recently revealed that she thinks Sean is the funniest person on this show.
If you're going to be like that about it, Rachel, I think Jon's got the nicest bum.
I'll take that.
Rachel, do you ever get any Christmas gifts from fans? I once got a pack of five pairs of Asda Value tights.
From Susie? No.
And I got a bird feeder.
But I haven't got anywhere to put it at home, so it's actually in my numbers trolley, it's actually attached, screwed into it.
- What do you mean, numbers trolley? - The bit with the numbers, there's actually a bird feeder and a birdhouse underneath there.
Just in case.
OK.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown build your own snowman kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Russell, you get the first pick of the letters.
- I still can't hear anything.
- Pick the letters.
Vowel.
Thanks, Russell.
- A - Consonant, please.
- B - Let's have another consonant.
See where this is going.
- G - A vowel.
I - And then - You're doing well, mate, carry on.
- Don't lose confidence.
- I'm not losing confidence.
- It's going to be fine.
- Ooh, don't touch me either.
Can I have two more consonants? S, N.
Another consonant, please.
- D - Let's have a vowel, please.
- O - And then another consonant.
And M.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
# You will hear a sentimental feeling when you hear # Voices singing let's be jolly # Deck the halls with boughs of holly # Rocking around the Christmas tree # Have a happy holiday # Everyone's dancing merrily In the new old-fashioned way! CHEERING The Countdown gospel choir, they'll be back in a bit.
Jon, how many letters? - Six.
- OK, Russell? Five, I think, but probably Well, yeah, hopefully five.
I'll take five as your final answer there, as you said five a number of times.
- Kathy? - Six.
- Sean? - Six.
OK, Russell, let's hear your five, definitely five, I think it might be a five, could be a five.
- Is it a four? No, five, five.
- It's a four.
MINGS? - MINGS? - Yeah, I'm not sure it's - As in - Oh, she MINGS, mate.
- Is that a word? Is MINGS in there? - There's MINGE, MINGER and MINGING.
But there's no MING, apart from the dynasty.
- It's interesting that you can be a minger but you can't MING.
- Yeah.
Don't say that to Susie, she's a lovely lady.
- Kathy, your six? - I don't know whether it's a word.
BAGISM.
BAGISM? Not in here.
BAG LADY, BAG LUNCH, BAG MAN.
BAGGY WRINKLE, that's fun.
Nice.
Sean, your six? GASSING With one S? And you need another G.
Apart from that Susie, you're being kind of a dick today.
I did have another six.
I went for BAGISM because I thought it sounded better.
DOINGS.
DOINGS, I think it's Christmas, we'd allow you to have that.
I think DOINGS is fine.
I'm sure that is OK.
- That's fine.
- Hurrah! Nothing wrong with that.
Why not? Doings.
Jon, your six? I was trying to find festive words, but there weren't many in there.
BINGOS, but I thought BOINGS is quite festive.
If you get an erection at Christmas.
BOINGS, Susie, is it in there? Yeah, to make a reverberating sound.
And if you had loads of them, you could have MAD BOINGS.
Wasn't that your rap name for a while? Six points to both teams.
- Such a loud atmosphere.
- I know.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? There was another six, which was GONADS.
It doesn't get any more Christmassy than those little baubles, does it? - And there was a seven, wasn't there? There was DOMAINS.
- DOMAINS, yeah.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Sean, Kathy, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I hate this bit.
Well, we're just talking to Kathy about it, she's going to - you're going to opt out, really.
- Yeah, I never do the numbers.
- Sorry, Rachel.
- What do you normally do at home when the numbers come on? - I make a cup of tea.
- OK, right, so Sean, Kathy, pick the numbers.
So, we'll go for two from the top.
- Thank you, Sean.
- And everywhere else, please.
And four little 'uns.
- Are you going to go to the bar or anything, or just? - What, now? Yeah.
If you're not going to do it, you could get some beers in.
We could get some shots.
There's a new one called the Craig David and you do shot of tequila and a shot of pineapple.
Oh, you get shitfaced, it's brilliant.
Sorry, why is it called the Craig David? - I don't know.
- Because you lose seven days.
We've got 8, 9, 3, 6, 25 and 100.
Come on, Kathy, you've got a pen in your hand.
- You know you want this.
- 944.
And your time starts, Kathy, give it a go, now.
So, the target was 944.
Russell, did you get it? - I noticed at the end you sang along with the clock.
- Yeah.
I mean, let's be honest with myself, I've got 900.
That's all I've got.
But I was trying to, I was trying to do something round the back, I was trying to I was seeing what I could do with 6, 3, 25 and 8, and I was doing a bit of multiplying, adding, but it's just come to a river of shit.
- Kathy, did you even bother? - Yeah, and I was better than Russell.
- I got 939.
- Sean, did you get it? No, I didn't, I got completely, went off in a direction, got lost.
Suddenly felt very alone.
- OK, Jon, did you get it? - I think I did.
All right, well, how did you do it? 100 x 8 100 x 8 = 800 6 x 25 Oh, see 6 x 25 = 150 Add that on.
Then take away 9 - 3.
For the 6, lovely, well done.
- Ten points to Jon.
- Well done, mate.
OK, so, Sean and Kathy have six points, Jon and Russell have 16.
Yeah! Right up your ass! And here is your first teaser.
The words are SHAG NOEL, and the clue is, a real turn-on.
That's SHAG NOEL, a real turn-on.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SHAG NOEL and the clue was a real turn.
And it was, of course, HALOGENS.
So Jon and Russell are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Cathy and Jon.
Cathy, your turn to chose the letters.
- Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? - Thank you, Cathy.
- T.
- And a A consonant.
- Do you want to write them down? - Oh, yeah.
H And a consonant.
- T.
- And a vowel, please.
U Oh.
And a vowel, please.
E A vowel, please.
A And a consonant.
J Oh, these are rubbish.
A consonant and a vowel, then, please.
N and - An E.
- Crumbs.
- OK.
Well, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon, how many? Five.
Cathy, how many? - Five.
- OK, Cathy.
Let's hear your five.
- TEETH.
- As in someone that steals things? Jon? - JUNTA.
- Are they both in there? TEETH, you need two Es.
- We have got two Es.
- Have we got two Es? I hadn't written down two Es.
- I didn't.
- What the fuck you doing? OK, is JUNTA in there? Yes, that's absolutely fine.
- Very good.
- Well, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I might just unplug this.
Hang on.
I'll do those later - they're bloody tangled.
Right.
OK.
Joe, Susie - could they have done any better? Well, I feel like Susie could have done better, if she'd paid attention.
I misheard.
I put down a P instead of a T.
Yeah, however, I then showed her the right letters and, within half a second, she went, "ATTUNE.
" What, she sneezed? Six was the best you could have done? OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Cathy have 11, Jon and Russell have 21.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING It's time now for Sean and Russell to go head-to-head.
Russell, your turn to pick the numbers.
Whatever you'd like, Rachel.
Make them really easy, please.
Easiest is one large and five little ones.
Come on.
You can do it, Russell.
10, another 10.
It's looking good(!) 1 Oh, no! What! 2 And the target And your time starts now.
# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play # Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day So let the bells ring out for Christmas.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So, the target was 641.
How did you do, Russell? Well, you know, maths is tricky at the best of times.
The choir made it weirder.
You were brilliant, but I was trying to concentrate and there was all that lovely music, and I just wanted to sway, I wanted to dance.
So I've just written 75.
Sean? I got to 645.
645.
How did you do that? I took a 10, one of the 10s RACHEL: This one? SEAN: I took a 1 away from it.
Which creates 9.
And then I times that by 75.
Right, and then I added the other 1 and the 2.
RACHEL: Yeah.
And I times that, which makes 3.
And then I thought, what's the point? LAUGHTER Who cares anyway? It's Christmas.
No.
1 + 2 = 3.
Then 3 x 10 = 30.
- Then take that away.
- RACHEL: Yep.
Seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE Rachel, how did you do it? I can see Joe's getting excited over there.
Go on, how did you get it? 75 - 10 - 1 = 64.
- 64 x 10 = 640.
- 640.
- Add the other 1.
- Go, Joe! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, it's me, Russell.
How many points to me? You don't get any points because you're in Dictionary Corner.
No, I'm not.
Was that your impression of Russell? I'm Russell.
OK, swap back.
Come on.
OK, so Sean and Cathy have 18 points, Jon and Russell have 21.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Joe, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, I've got some of my comedy correspondence.
I always leave my Christmas shopping to the last minute, and last year was no exception.
On 23rd December, I found a bowl, a fruit bowl, that I thought my mother would quite like, on an online store based in Birmingham, which is where I live.
So I e-mailed them to ask if I could get the delivery quicker than their usual five working days, cos I needed them for Christmas.
I received this e-mail from Chris.
He said, "Mr Lycett, thank you for your e-mail.
"This item is an online exclusive, "therefore we can only arrange it online.
"Delivery is five working days.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" I'm not sure his regards were kind, actually.
So I replied, "Dear Chris, thank you for your kind regards.
"The issue is that I need the bowl tomorrow, as it's a Christmas gift.
"Is there no way I can pay extra for next-day delivery "or pay online and collect it? Very kind regards, Joe.
" He replied, "Dear Mr Lycett.
"We only offer delivery in five working days, unfortunately.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" Definitely unkind.
So I replied, "Chris, I need this bowl for Christmas Day, "which occurs famously on 25th December.
" "Where does the bowl reside?" "Is it in physical form in your shop in Birmingham "or does it exist as an ethereal spirit "within the internet, "manifesting itself only when purchased through your online store? "Regards, Joe.
" He replied, "Mr Lycett, I see.
" Well done, Chris.
"We wouldn't normally, as it is an online exclusive, "but as a gesture of goodwill that can be arranged.
"If you order through the website and come in later, you can collect.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" So I went in, paid ?4.
99 postage and packaging on the website.
Went in, collected the bowl, gave it to Mum, she loved it.
Very nice Christmas.
Few days after New Year, another bowl arrives at the house, doesn't it? Get this e-mail - "Mr Lycett, I'm contacting you "regarding your purchase.
"We sent you a bowl in error after you collected one from our shop.
"Could you return it to us? "If you would like to keep it, we can arrange payment for it.
"Kind regards, Chris.
" So I replied, "Hello, Chris.
Here is the bowl.
" And just attached a picture of the bowl.
He said, "Yes, Mr Lycett, that's the bowl I'm referring to.
"Could you advise when you'll be returning the bowl?" I replied, "I don't understand, Chris, "I returned the bowl in the last e-mail.
The bowl is online only.
" "It exists within the e-mail.
" "As a gesture of goodwill, "if you send me the ?4.
99 I paid for postage and packaging, "I'll return it in physical form.
"All my love, Joe.
" He replied, "Keep the bowl and keep the change.
" And just attached a picture of a fiver.
APPLAUSE Joe Lycett, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TINSEL HO.
The clue is - call me.
That's TINSEL HO - Call me! See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TINSEL HO, the clue was call me.
It was, of course, HOTLINES.
Before we go on, please welcome to the show Joe Wilkinsonsorry, Santa Claus, to give us all our presents.
CHEERING MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams APPLAUSE AND CHEERING MUSIC STOPS Are you, um? Are you? Are you all right, Joe? No.
Just got Guys, I just got mugged and no-one stepped in.
You were all just sat there! LAUGHTER I thought you probably owed them money or something.
You just stood there, didn't you? Why didn't you step in, mate? This is cos I won't let you eat tinsel, isn't it? I got everyone presents, so that's ruined, cos these aren't real, mate.
The presents are gone.
They're not real.
Got Rachel some eggnog, cos she's a pisshead.
Got Jon some stilts, you know, so he could He could look normal.
I got Sean a chainsaw to play with and I got Susie a tennis racket cos she loves tennis.
And to add insult to injury, they went and shoved it up my arse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Susie, do you want to pull your Christmas present out of my arse? And, Rachel, do us a favour - can you hold on to my arms? Cos she's going to need a hell of a lot of leverage.
Can you hold my hands? And, Susie, if you want to go round the business end MUSIC: Jingle Bell Rock by Bobby Helms Don't play a song, mate! Give it some welly! No, it's stuck.
It's not coming out.
MUSIC STOPS Thanks a lot, mate, I'm going to have to spend Christmas with a tennis racket up my arse.
Christmas is ruined, but let's play Countdown! CHEERING OK, on with the game.
Jon and Russell, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want a drink? Do you want a cocktail? - Yeah, of course.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Tell you what, you carry on, I'll make you a cocktail.
- Oh, lovely.
- No worries.
Have you got a straw? A funnel? - Go on, crack on, I'll make - Jon, go ahead.
You A consonant, please.
R And a vowel, please.
O And a consonant, please.
F And a consonant, please.
L And a vowel, please.
- Do you like Campari? - I.
And another vowel, please.
U And a consonant, please.
N And another vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
OK, and your time startsnow.
# Last Christmas # I gave you my heart # And the very next day # You gave it away # This year # To save me from tears # I'll give it to someone special - # Oh, last Christmas - Last Christmas - # I gave you my heart - I gave you my heart, yeah - # And the very next day - Oh, yeah - # You gave it away - Gave it away - # This year - This year - # To save me from tears - To save me from tears - # I'll give it to someone special - Oh.
# CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, how many? How many have you got, Russell? - Five.
- Five.
Jon? - A Christmas six.
- Oh! Sean.
- Five.
- And Kathy? - Yeah, five.
- Go on, what's your five, Kathy? - ROUST.
- ROUST is fine.
- Yeah, that's a good word.
Sean, what's yours? - TUNES.
- Russell? - LOSER.
- OK.
Jon, you've got a six, Christmassy six.
Come on.
TINSEL! Ah! Oh, my God, there was TINSEL up there the whole time! Oh, TINSEL's there! APPLAUSE How's Rachel's cocktail? How's it coming? - It's done.
- Oh! - There you go.
Do I not get an umbrella? - Oh, you want an umbrella? All right, hold on.
Here you go.
- Oh.
- Shall I taste it? - Yeah, have a swig.
Yeah, go on.
Did you put any mixers in? I did what? - It's all right, isn't it? - Quite nice.
- Yeah, cheers, yeah.
- Yeah.
I call it Hot Nipple.
Makes one of your eyes go slightly blind.
- Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? - There are a few sixes, like, SILENT was there.
But there's a nine - OUTLINERS.
OUTLINERS.
APPLAUSE OK, joining the Dictionary Corner once more, Joe, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, I've got something that I think Kathy would quite like.
You were talking about trolling earlier on Twitter.
Yeah, love trolling.
Well, there's a big figure of the last year that I've been trolling quite a lot.
His name is Donald J Trump.
He's the president elect, or president erect, as I'm calling him, just for lols.
These are the genuine tweets that I've been sending to him.
It's five letters that I'm sending to him.
Any time he tweets something a bit stroppy, I just reply with "ok hun".
Here are a few examples.
Donald Trump tweeted, "I cancelled today's meeting with the failing New York Times" I replied And then this one I replied LAUGHTER I'm also going to hold him to some of his pledges, so this is one that I tweeted at him.
I said, "All right, mate, quick question" LAUGHTER Another quick one.
"When you start on the wall" But the main thing I've been doing, I've been trying to hit his businesses, mainly his hotels.
I have been trying to book Syrian refugees into his hotels for a while.
But what I'm doing now is I'm just writing reviews of his hotels on a well-known review site.
I'll read you a few of them.
This is of his hotel in Chicago "A really relaxing stay, very comfortable, "and some lovely pictures of Donald on the walls.
"It is such a testament to him that he has achieved "so much and gained so many votes when he looks like a Lego head "that's been put in the microwave.
" LAUGHTER And the final one.
This is of his hotel in Ireland, Golf Links And Hotel Ireland.
"Fantastic hotel.
"I came to play golf and stayed for the leisure facilities.
"I must say, the golf course was really fantastic.
"As good as any I've been to and I've been to three.
"I was also pleased to see that when a family of Muslims came in, "they were tasered to the ground and removed.
"Couldn't ask for more.
" Joe Lycett, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, the scores at the moment - Sean and Kathy have 18, Jon and Russell are on 27.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are POO FROST, the clue is - watch your step, Santa, that's POO FROST.
Watch your step, Santa, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were POO FROST.
The clue was - watch your step, Santa.
It was, of course, ROOFTOPS.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Kathy, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please.
- Thank you, Kathy.
- S - HE SCOFFS - A consonant.
- LAUGHTER R Consonant.
L Vowel.
- A - LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
O Consonant.
- Ah! - C.
- LAUGHTER Consonant.
- And a vowel, please.
- Ah! - U.
- Oh, another one.
- LAUGHTER And, er, what do you reckon? Another vowel.
- Anyone mind if I lie down? - E.
- LAUGHTER OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER - Ooh! - LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Oh, isn't this fun? I'll try and hit it with my arse - my arse racquet.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Right, ready? This is the one.
This is the one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Kathy, how many did you get? - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Seven! Sean, how many letters? - Seven.
- OK, Jon? - A Christmas six.
- A Christmassy six.
Lovely.
- Russell? - I got five.
- OK, let's hear your five.
SOLAR OK, SOLAR.
Jon, your six? CAROLS - ALL: Aw! - RACHEL: Very nice.
- Christmassy.
- JON: God bless us, everyone.
LAUGHTER This isn't that different to when I normally brush my hair.
LAUGHTER Sean, what was your seven? ROUTERS - You need two Rs.
- OK.
- Kathy, your seven? COLLATES Er, you need two Ls.
Oh, do you? - Yes.
- Susie! It's Christmas time! Yeah, you can drop the L sometimes.
"Noel" is fine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
6 points to Jon.
Joe, Susie, could they have done any better? A couple of sevens - CLARETS and SCROTAL.
LAUGHTER OK, so, Sean and Kathy have 18, Jon and Russell have 33.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
All right, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER BUZZER FLICKERED Let's have a look and see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, the final scores are, Sean and Kathy have 18 points, but tonight's winners with 43, Jon and Russell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown build-your-own-snowman kit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You can just shake his little hand.
LAUGHTER