Curb Your Enthusiasm s09e08 Episode Script

1 ( theme music playing ) ( kissing ) Uh-huh.
( sighs ) Come on.
I can't look at that.
Take it away.
- ( window opens ) - Hey, I'm trying to work.
Sorry, what's your problem? No one wants to see this.
It's very disturbing.
Two people aren't allowed to be happy? Well, you're allowed to be happy, but not in front of me, so let's move it down.
- Okay.
- All right.
Good.
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me, Señor Larry.
All the lights in here and in the hallway, they're all fixed.
You no have no more humming, no more vibrating.
- Everything is fixed.
- Oh! Cesar, thank you so much.
That was driving me crazy, that humming.
Anything else you need from me, you give me a call and I'll come here and fix it right away, okay? Oh, hey, Cesar.
- That's for you.
- Oh, no, no, Señor Larry.
I cannot accept that money.
This is my job.
This is what I do.
It's a little bonus for you, a little extra.
Take it.
Oh, it means-- it means a lot to me, Mr.
Larry, but I cannot take this.
I-- I just don't feel comfortable.
- This is what I do, sir.
- ( scoffs ) Oh, Cesar, this is-- this is unprecedented! This is rarer than a man turning down sex, what you've just done.
It just-- it doesn't happen! ( chuckles ) Okay, Señor Larry.
I've never turned down sex in my life.
( chuckles ) Me neither.
Huh! Cesar, this will not be forgotten anytime soon.
- Have a nice day.
- Very commendable.
Larry: So now, for some reason, Funkhouser's gotten back together with this woman.
- I don't know why.
She hates my guts.
- Aww.
But nevertheless, he wants to go to brunch and see if we can all get along, you know, so it's gonna be very awkward.
Just because of the tap water? - Tap water, yes.
Tap water.
- Wow.
Hey, Eddie, breakfast! ( whispers ) Wow, tap water.
Here you go, sweetie.
Wow, look at the young man today! Very nice hoodie you got there.
Mom, you're still dating this guy? - Yes, honey-- - Yes, and she's enjoying it very much.
- Take your toast.
- Where's the butter? It's right there, quite visible.
I can't see the butter.
Do it again.
( sighs ) He needs to see the butter.
I'll eat this one and I'll make you another one.
- Are you two having sex? - That's Mommy's business.
It's not really your business, but to tell you the truth, it's imminent, okay? Gross.
( sighs ) Sorry, he's really been having a tough time lately.
I-- I don't know how you let him get away with that toast thing.
This kid needs some structure in his life.
He needs some discipline! - I know, I know.
- You're not tough enough.
I-- I know.
There's this private school, and, uh I've been thinking about sending him, but it's really tough to get into, and I wanted to ask you a question.
Please say no if this is at all inappropriate, but Susie happened to mention this very same school, Pemberton Academy, where I'm trying to get him in.
You had donated some "Seinfeld" stuff there.
My assistant takes care of all that.
I just, you know.
- Okay, I just didn't know if you knew somebody, or - Nah, I really don't.
- That's fine, that's fine.
- If I could help, I would, but I don't know.
You know, I feel weird about sending him to boarding school anyway.
- Boarding school? - Yeah.
- How far away is it? - It's about an hour and a half.
I actually think it would be the best for him, but it would be hard for me - just to be rattling around-- - I completely agree with you.
I think it would be a fantastic thing for him.
- Do you, really? - It's gotta be the-- you know what? Get me a name, get me a number-- whatever I can do to help.
- No.
- Yes! Give me some information, done! That's really nice of you, Larry.
Thank you so much.
It's gonna be so good for him.
Look, if I can send him an hour and a half away, I'm more than happy to.
- Larry: If I got those glasses - Bridget: Yeah? We'd be-- we'd be twins.
That would be kind of hideous, wouldn't it? Have you ever seen a couple with the same glasses? By the way, when I say couple, I'm not referring to us as a couple.
- Yeah, excuse me.
What are you-- hold on.
- No, no, I'm not going there.
We're-- I-- you have not bought me the same glasses.
We don't have it like that just yet, my friend.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Can I bring you some water while you wait? Still or sparkling? - Sparkling.
Yeah.
- Yeah, sparkling.
Ugh, boy, I can't tell you, I'm so relieved.
Thanks again for helping me out with the boarding school thing.
So, before I call the, um - Pemberton.
- Pemberton, yes.
Pemberton.
Do they-- do they know about the, uh, Asperger's? Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
Yeah, they're a great school.
They're-- they can-- they're just equipped to handle all kinds of special kids.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Has he been diagnosed by a doctor, or is this your opinion? He's on the spectrum.
Yeah.
How do you know? You can see in his behavior and what people have said, and, you know-- he's, you know-- he's been diagnosed on the-- on the spectrum.
Okay.
- ( phone ringing ) - Oh.
- Hello? - Cesar: Señor Larry, it's Cesar from the office.
- Who? - Cesar! You gave me the tip and I didn't take it? Yeah? I'm here at the office building, fixing a leak, and I was just wondering, after I'm done, I could go to your office and watch the Argentina and Mexico game.
It's a very important game.
It's for-- to qualify in the World Cup.
Why-- why-- why do you have to go-- why my office? Because you got all the channels, sir.
- Yeah yeah, okay.
- Gracias, Señor Larry! I will not forget this.
You are the man.
- Okay.
- Who's that? - This handyman in my office building - Uh-huh.
wants to go into my office to watch a soccer game.
I offered him a tip, but he didn't take the tip, so I feel like I'm a little obligated to let him watch the game.
It's tricky.
- Hello! - Oh, hey! Sorry we're late.
- Hi, I'm Marilyn.
- LD.
- Hi! - Hi, nice to meet you.
- Yes, hi.
- Hi.
Marty Funkhouser.
- Hi, great to meet you.
- Great to meet you! So, I-- I just wanna say, before we begin, I-- I'd like to apologize for what happened between us.
That is not a true representation of who I am.
- Let's start fresh.
- That means a lot to me.
Okay.
- Yes! Yes! - Yes, let's do it.
Some sparkling water for the table? No, no.
We-- no, we don't want that.
We want some tap water.
- You don't want sparkling? - No, get that out of here.
Tap.
- Well, it's unfiltered.
- Better.
Water is water.
We're not water snobs.
- Server: Very good.
- Larry: We don't care.
While you bring the tap, bring us the best bottle of champagne you have in the house to drink.
- ( all cheering ) - Okay? We're gonna live it up! - ( chuckles ) - Yeah, you know, sure.
Thank you, Larry.
I really appreciate your apology.
- Larry: Oh, yes.
- No, it means a lot to me.
And some tap water for the table.
Tap water for the table.
Look at this.
Look at this beautiful tap water.
We got some here - Ah, look at that.
- Mmm.
Ah, it really looks good.
( people chattering ) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, come on, buddy.
- There's a line.
- There's a line.
You can't just walk up here.
Come on, man, you're being rude.
- They're in line.
- You gotta get to the back, buddy.
- I'm just getting some potatoes.
- I don't care.
One-- one minute! One minute! Just a minute! Are you getting seconds? Yes, sir.
The man is getting seconds.
- It doesn't matter.
- But that's not a rule.
The man has already waited on this line.
- Larry, we're hungry.
- Larry: We're all hungry.
I'm hungry, too! But to make him wait another 10 minutes for a few measly potatoes? - Shame on you! Shame on all of you! - Okay.
That's not how we do things here in America.
We don't wait for seconds! Never, never wait for seconds! - ( whispering ) - It's fine, it's good.
It's fine.
Sir, I would be proud to serve you.
- What do you want? - Potatoes.
- Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
- Woman: Sure, sure.
You're welcome.
- It's okay, really.
- I didn't mean to overreact like that.
- Woman: Enjoy.
- Woman #2: Enjoy yourself.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- ( cork pops ) - Larry: Ah! - Oh, I love that sound! - All right! - You like that? - I love that sound! I mean, the good thing here is that if we want seconds, - we go right to the front.
- Bridget: Straight to the front.
- Right? - Yep.
Boy, oh, boy.
Ha, that's a lot of ketchup there.
I like ketchup.
Yeah, uh, it seems a little excessive, no? - Here we go! - Living it up! - Happiness, living it up! Okay? - Bridget: Cheers! I mean, you use too much ketchup, you know what happens? They-- they convert to packs, to the little packets.
Is there a ketchup shortage? Like, "Oh, we're gonna run out of ketchup.
" I wasn't saying there's a ketchup shortage, it's just that if everybody uses as much ketchup as you do, they would stop buying it.
As a matter of fact, I think I need more ketchup.
Mmm.
- Bridget: Wow.
- Hmm! Funkhouser: Why are we talking about this? There's no way she could finish all that ketchup.
Is there? Watch me! Funkhouser: Let's just change the subject, okay? Potatoes are delicious.
- Huh.
- Larry: Yeah.
- Marilyn: Oh, my God! Oh! - ( gasps ) - Oh, my God! - Funkhouser: Don't do that, don't do that.
Can we get a wet towel, somebody? That's okay.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, your sweater covers it fine.
You know, I-- I think I want-- I want to go home.
Oh, no! - It's just a really bad stain.
- Yeah, go.
- No, Larry, it's not that bad.
- You got a bad stain.
I'm gonna go home.
I'm just feeling very uncomfortable.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, go.
It's a-- it's a really bad stain.
It's a "go home" stain, you know what I mean? - It was the fork.
- I think it was the ketchup.
- Let's not argue over this.
- Marilyn: I'm so sorry.
It was lovely to meet you.
You seem lovely.
- Yeah, take her home.
- It's such a shame.
Nice job, once again.
- One of those things.
- Gosh, another time, I guess.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wow, I feel so bad.
That was a disgusting display.
You couldn't let the ketchup go.
- Couldn't let it go.
- Oh, boy.
Guess what.
Who's paying for the expensive champagne? - Oh.
- Yeah.
- ( door opens ) - ( footsteps approaching ) I want to thank you for defending me in front of the mob.
Oh, oh.
Yes, of course.
That was, uh, terrible.
You had already waited.
What was the point of going back again? You would've lost your appetite.
I agree with you, Mr.
David.
How do you know my name? I know everything about you.
I was sitting there having my brunch, and I saw you.
And I was thinking, as a devout Muslim, I should kill this man.
Fatwa.
And then you defended me.
I thought to myself I cannot kill this man.
This man doesn't deserve to die.
No.
No, I don't.
I don't! I do have some friends in high positions.
I think I need to bring to their attention that you are not the man they think you are.
Anything you want to know, I'll give you full access.
I'm an open book.
You will be hearing from me.
What-- what is your name? My name is not important.
- Hey! - Oh, hey.
Um - You okay? - Yeah, I was just talking to this guy.
( chuckles ) What guy? Oh.
( chuckles ) Let's go.
Huh.
Larry: That was a lot of fun.
That horse, he was so close! - He should've won! - I know, I know, I know.
I know.
I was-- I was excited for you.
By the way, this is-- what are we on? 10 hours now together? It's been incredibly fun.
And I can't believe you made that appointment at-- at Pemberton.
I'm so grateful.
Believe me, once I get through with those Pemberton people, they're gonna beg this kid to go to that school.
Do-- do you wanna come in? - Do I wanna come in? - Mmm.
Because I'm feeling pretty grateful.
Are you saying that, uh gratitude sex is in the offing? If you're okay with gratitude sex, I mean-- You know what, I've never had gratitude sex, mainly because I've never done anything that someone could be grateful for.
But people tell me that gratitude sex is the ultimate.
It's hard to explain.
I'd rather just show you.
- Sure, yeah.
- You know? ( guitar strumming ) Hey, honey.
Uh, I thought Nancy put you to bed.
She did.
Well, it's time for bed.
It's past your bedtime.
- It's past his bedtime.
- Bridget: Hey, now.
Go to your room, okay? ( sighs ) I'll hang out in my room, but I'm not going to bed.
I've never seen an old man in sneakers before.
Okay, that's-- go to your room.
( sarcastic laugh ) That's so stupid.
- Bridget: Eddie! Go.
- Larry: That's a good one.
You know, it's-- he's on the spectrum.
I'm sorry.
- Ah, the spectrum.
- ( door closes ) He's on the spectrum.
Yeah.
- ( deeply inhales ) - ( guitar strumming ) Guess that's that.
He won't listen to me, but maybe you can-- you can get him to bed.
The offer still stands.
( guitar strumming continues ) ( chuckles ) Yeah! ( guitar strumming ) All right, you little prick, okay? I got some gratitude sex coming to me, and you're not gonna ruin it.
You got it? Now get under those covers.
You're gonna go to sleep, and I'm gonna have sex with your mother.
Hello.
You're looking at a man with an "A" on his shirt for "apology.
" - Is that so? - Yes.
I'm sorry for the other day.
There was nothing I could do.
We had to leave, so I left.
( scoffs ) Quite an expensive bottle of champagne I wound up paying for.
We ordered the champagne because you wanted to live it up.
You said, "Let's live it up.
" I would never live it up.
I live it down, I don't live it up.
Okay, maybe I said, "Let's live it up.
" - You did.
- I wanted to have a good time, that's all! So anyway, so you're here to what? Apologize.
I'm sorry! For leaving me with the bill? No, I'm sorry for leaving early.
That's what I'm sorry about.
I don't mind you leaving early, but I think the proper apology would be to say, "I'm sorry.
Here's $250 for the champagne.
" - Okay? - That's a cash apology.
My apology is from the heart.
That's something that means something.
Why do you come to the office to apologize without offering the money? Because I felt bad! If you feel bad, you offer the money! - No, you don't! - You don't understand feeling bad! Feeling bad is feeling in the heart, not in the wallet! - No, feeling bad is making it up! - It is not! Well, to come here and apologize without taking your wallet out and offering, who knows if I would even accept it? There's not even an offer! Let's go to lunch, talk it over.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay? I gotta take a quick piss.
- Mr.
Larry.
- Ah, Cesar.
I want to thank you for offering me to watch the game on your TV.
Ah, well, you're very welcome.
- But unfortunately, I couldn't make it.
- What? Yeah, my wife, she wanted me to do a bunch of chores in the house, so I-- I couldn't come.
I'm, uh-- well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Too bad.
But, uh, you-- you're a member of a nice country club, sí? - Yeah? - Can I bring my family there for a nice little swim? Little Cesar's like Aquaman.
No.
No, you can't-- you can't bring your family there, no! - But-- but why not? - It's not the way it works.
No! I don't understand your lack of generosity.
Lack of generosity? What are you talking about? I gave you a tip, which you turned down.
I did not take it, so you owe me a favor.
I already repaid you a favor that I didn't even owe you! The whole point of the tip is for you to be indebted to me.
Now you've-- you've reversed it! Now I'm indebted to you.
You flipped it! You flipped the tip! I promised Little Cesar.
All right.
This is the last one.
Okay? This is it.
And next time I give you a tip, you take it, okay? - Okay, Mr.
Larry.
- But the country club is out.
You can't swim there.
They're racist.
They're not gonna let you in there.
Why are you a member of a racist club? They're all racists.
That's the way they operate.
How about your pool? Oh, I would, but the heater in my house got all screwed up and nothing's working now, and the pool's not working.
I bet you have friends with nice pools.
Hey your pool working? Yeah.
Can Cesar and his family use your pool? - Who's Cesar? - Yo.
Nice to meet you, Cesar.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Can he use my pool? It's hot out, they have no place to swim, and At this time of year, we might have family coming over.
- You know, I never know-- - I'll tell you what.
We call it even, the $250.
- So you're never gonna mention it again? - Never again.
- When do you want to come over? - On Saturday.
Cesar: What time is good for you? 8:00 AM? - Funkhouser: Uh, let's make it 8:30.
- Thank you, sir.
- Hey, do me a favor.
- Yes, sir.
No diving, and try to stay in the shallow end, okay? - That's his number.
- Oh, thank you, Mr.
Larry.
( chuckles ) Little Cesar is gonna be so happy.
Gracias.
Larry David paid you for your services? Hell, yeah, he did.
But all he did was use me to get in the carpool lane so he can get to the Dodger game.
So you're saying that, uh, your encounter was not of sexual nature.
Hell, no! He could've had all this! I still don't understand.
How can your father be a kamikaze pilot when he's still alive? He grazed the ship.
Grazed, but not fatal.
( sighs ) No.
Then Larry was right.
So, Larry David went on a date with you and carried you upstairs? Yeah.
I didn't want him to.
- Oh, he insisted? - Yes.
You know, I wasn't the only girl in a wheelchair he was dating.
So, he went out with two different women with disability? At least.
Commendable.
I'd see Larry occasionally.
I guess you would say I had some issues with him.
But wasn't the real issue the big vagina? Yes.
It's big.
Big enough to steal a Mickey Mantle autographed baseball? - Yes.
- Hmm.
He took a word in one of my rhymes and changed that shit.
And it opened up lyrically for me.
It was amazing, man.
He also saved me from a marriage to a lesbian.
So, yeah that motherfucker's my Caucasian.
- Caucasian? - Write that shit down.
- He is your Caucasian, yes.
- He is my Caucasian.
And a motherfucker.
So, we're on the ski lift and it's shkiyat hachamah.
And according to Jewish law, I'm not allowed to be with a man alone after sundown, so I asked him to jump.
And he refused, so I had to jump.
So he refused to follow the tenets of Jewish orthodoxy.
Oh, absolutely.
Big time.
Please continue.
( stuttering ) So, he comes upstairs and he accuses me of clomping.
And I explained to him, I have these shoes, these heavy shoes that I wear because my feet get cramped.
And they make noise.
I invite him in.
I offer him a soda.
He took it, and it exploded, and it got all over him, and he got upset.
- Now it's-- now it's-- - Mr.
Fox did you clomp on purpose? A little bit.
And did you embellish the shaking of the soda? Yeah.
Thank you.
May I offer you some refreshment? No, thank you.
I pass, sir.
Pussy.
( chatter ) Larry, thank you for all of the "Seinfeld" scripts and memorabilia that you've donated to our fundraisers.
- It's really-- - Yes.
It's made a lot of money for the school.
So happy to do it.
And thank for allowing me to come in here today and talk to you, uh, about this young man who I adore.
- Yes, Eddie.
- Uh, Eddie, yes.
- Right.
- Eddie, yes.
You know what? I just feel like I'm ignoring you all the way on that side.
I should be here because sometimes women, they're a little, uh, ultra-sensitive about being ignored at these meetings.
"Oh, oh, you don't talk to the woman," you know.
- Oh, no.
- That's not me.
That's not me.
Wherever you want to sit is fine.
Please.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
I actually would prefer to sit over there, but, you know.
- Well, please! - Feel free, Larry.
Okay, all right, okay.
Thank you.
- All right, so! - Eddie.
You know, I-- I love this kid like-- like my own son.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, you know, like a nephew.
Actually, more like a foster child who comes to your house, and all of a sudden, you go, "What the hell did I do? I got-- what am I, nuts?" But, no, no, you grow-- you grow to love them.
That's how I feel now.
It's-- uh, so Bridget is Eddie's mother, and she's your girlfriend? Larry: Girlfriend I don't know, but she does have tampons in my house.
Okay, Mr.
David, we just want to get to the nature of your relationship because-- - We were happy to do a favor for you, Larry.
- Sure.
- But-- - We just wanna make sure that it's just not a fling.
We're just interested in where you see this relationship going.
Yeah, the relationship going.
I don't know.
You know, they're kind of tough.
You get involved with somebody, and all of a sudden, you got to check in, you got to report in, you got to text them, make those phone calls.
You go away for a weekend with your friends on a trip to Vegas, you come back, she says, "Did you had fun?" You got to lie, say, "No, no, I didn't have fun.
No, no, it wasn't fun at all.
Worst trip I ever made in my life.
" Then she talks to one of your friends and they say they had a fantastic time.
She comes back to me, she says, "Your friends said you had a great time.
" And you go, "No, no, they had a great time.
I had a lousy time.
" ( scoffs ) Uh in general, how are you with commitments, relationships? I can't sleep with the same bed with anybody.
It's, ugh, a horrible night's sleep.
You can't-- you-- I'm off in a corner like this.
You know, 'cause I don't want another body touching mine when I'm trying to fall asleep.
And you can't turn this way because then you get-- you got face-to-face.
You don't wanna do that in the middle of the night.
Well, where-- where do you see the relationship going? I see it going, hopefully, one day, to the point where I'll let her sleep in the guestroom.
I'm-- I'm shooting for that.
Uh, we just want to make sure that Eddie is coming for the right reasons.
Yes.
Oh, well, yes.
And that you're in a long-term, committed relationship.
Well, I can-- I can give you nine months.
Um, that's Well, no, I can give you-- I can give you nine months.
Nine happy months.
Then I can give you years and years of-- of being miserable.
But we'll be together! Well, that's actually really what we're looking to hear, Larry, is that you are gonna be together for an extended amount of time.
- Absolutely.
- At least while Eddie is here at school.
Unless she gets sick or something, in which case I'll-- I'll leave her quickly.
You could understand that.
I'm not gonna visit people in the hospital.
I'm-- I'm not crazy, you know.
Otherwise - I adore this woman.
- ( phone ringing ) Excuse me.
Hello.
- LD, it's the Funk-Man.
- Hey, I can't talk right now.
All right, I'll make it quick.
I can't host Cesar's pool party.
- What? Why? - Well, Marilyn wants us to go to Catalina, so I've got to do it.
I'm very disappointed.
And I'm sure Cesar will be, too.
- And Little Cesar.
- I don't know Little Cesar and I don't really know Cesar.
But, uh, we still on for brunch Sunday? Uh, I guess so.
Okay, I'll see you then.
All right.
Goodbye.
So, uh, Larry, again, we're very happy you came in, talked to us about Eddie.
I think things, um-- I think look pretty good.
We're very, uh Could my handyman and his family use your pool on Saturday? ( whispering, chuckling ) - Hi.
- Hey.
- Same table.
- Is it? - Champagne.
- Oh.
- This time we'll drink it.
- ( nervous chuckling ) - What's the matter? - ( stammering ) I just got off the phone with the Pemberton Academy.
What'd they say? Eddie didn't get in.
- He didn't get in? - No.
Why? Because of the condition that your handyman and his family left the Pemberton Academy pool.
What? What's the condition? Befouled.
Little Cesar befouled the pool? Why would you send them there? Of all the pools in California? I don't know, 'cause Little Cesar wanted to use a pool! I couldn't-- I couldn't refuse Little Cesar.
Why do they have to use a pool at all? Cesar flipped the tip on me and, you know, he wouldn't take the tip, so I was obligated to! - Hi! - Hello! More obligated than to-- hi! - Hi.
- How are you? What a day! We just came back from Catalina.
- Oh, heard that's beautiful.
- What a cruise! - Dolphins! - Great boat, beautiful.
- Magnificent.
- I think I got too much sun.
Funkhouser: How are you guys doing? Gosh, I am so sorry, but I think I have to go.
- Oh, no.
- We just had a "go home" argument, and I have to go.
Oh, no, no, no.
Don't do that! No, don't do that! I just feel so upset.
I'm not gonna be able to rally for today.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
You understand.
- Thanks for trying.
- Oh, no.
I'm sorry, no.
I'll see you, maybe, again, but who can say? - I might not.
- No, I'm so-- ah! Ah, I'm sorry! Enjoy the champagne.
- I'm sorry! Ah! - Here we go.
( cork pops ) ( tires screech ) Oh! Mr.
David, get in.
Get-- get in the car? What, where-- where are we going? I haven't even had-- had brunch yet.
Get in.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Go.
Morsi: There was no reason for me to get to the back of the line.
As I said, I had already waited, and those brunch buffet lines are interminable.
Yes, I am familiar because they cook the eggs while you wait.
( muftis agree ) And all I wanted-- just a little bit more home fries.
Ah, yes, home fries.
A nice compliment to the eggs.
With ketchup? ( chuckles ) Yes, of course.
( chattering in Arabic ) So it seems wrong to wait 15 minutes just for that.
Yes, of course.
Why even get them? Exactly.
So I took a chance.
But the outcry was unlike anything you could ever imagine.
You are perceived as a cutter.
There's nothing Americans hate more than a cutter.
- He is right.
- It's true.
You're right, Mufti.
I was humiliated.
But this man he rose to my defense.
He said I have every right to get seconds without waiting.
He was forceful, passionate, and courageous.
When the American blood sugar gets low, they turn into animals.
It's very intimidating.
- True.
- I have seen it.
Morsi: Not this man.
It was something to see.
And that's why I come before you to beg you to reevaluate his case.
I have read the report of your investigation with great interest.
However, there are many things in his past which contradict his behavior in the restaurant.
For example, this business about not giving out candy on Halloween.
Surely that cannot be justified.
With all due respect, he did give out candies.
But the girls in question, they were teenagers.
Much too old to be tricking.
Tricking or treating? This is all so very confusing.
Well, you play tricks if you don't get the treat, is my understanding.
- ( muftis murmuring ) - Yes, I believe that is correct.
That is confusing.
But the girls were 16.
You don't trick when you're 16.
That's not tricking, that's stealing.
By denying them candy, he was teaching them a lesson.
- ( muftis agreeing ) - Yes.
- ( all murmuring ) - I see your point.
Ah, very good.
Very good.
- ( speaking Arabic ) - Pass the plates, gentlemen.
- Falafel.
Yes, falafel.
- Mufti #2: Another falafel over here.
- Kabob.
- Kabob for me.
- Onion rings.
Yes.
- Ah, French fries.
Mufti: But what about his values? His lust knows no bounds.
He will have sexual congress with anyone, anytime.
Including a Palestinian.
- ( muftis murmuring ) - What? Is this true? This is so? You know this for a fact? Twice.
- Twice! - ( muftis murmuring ) A Muslim woman? Morsi: Yes, Mufti, she is a Muslim.
( murmuring ) Mufti: Very interesting.
This is new information.
I will personally contact the ayatollah and let him know what we have learned.
I can say without reservation that he will rescind the fatwa.
- You are free to go.
- Thank you, "Moofti"! "Muff-ti"! Thank you all, moo-mooftis and muff-tis.
Is it "muff-ti" or "moofti"? "Moofti.
" - "Moovti.
" - "Moovti.
" Thank you, "Moovtis.
" Thank you so-- but what about the musical? Um, the musical "Fatwa!"? I will say this about the musical If you can get Lin-Manuel Miranda, you know, from "Hamilton" - ( muftis agreeing ) - Yes! I love "Hamilton"! If you can get Lin-Manuel Miranda to star, you can proceed with the musical.
( stammering ) How am I gonna get Lin-Manuel? He-- he's got his own stuff he does.
- He's not gonna be in this.
- ( bottle squirting ) What are you doing with the ketchup? You used up all the ketchup! - I like ketchup.
- Show some restraint.
You're never going to eat all that.
Is there a shortage of ketchup that I was not aware of? This is why I have been advocating for packets, but no one will listen! - Now, that's a good idea.
- I cannot eat onion rings without ketchup.
The whole snack is ruined! - Wait, don't go! - Please, no! How am I gonna get Lin-Manuel? - Mufti #3: You're being a baby.
- ( chattering ) Thank you.
Huh.
Okay.
- Driver: Here you are.
- All right.
Very nice.
- All right.
- Thank you so much for everything.
I really appreciate it.
Let me, uh-- before you go.
No, I can't take that.
- Oh, no.
- Please, put it back.
- I insist.
- No, I cannot take this.
- What? Come on, please.
- I cannot take it.
- Take the money.
What? - No.
You are going to embar-- - You are offending me.
- You're offending me! ( arguing ) - I'm not taking-- - Look.
Yeah, take it.
- I don't want it.
Yeah.
- No! Take it back! I don't want it! I can't take that from you, sir! I will not take this tip, okay? Take the money! You ain't gonna flip a tip on me! ( theme music playing )