Everybody Loves Raymond s09e08 Episode Script

- Hey, we got anything to eat over here? - Hey.
Thought your mom was making pancakes.
She was, but she gave the good ones to Robert.
Totally shorted me on the blueberry sauce.
l had less on my plate than he had on his face.
Well, that's weird, because Amy says that the service has been exceptional over there.
Well, my tongue should be blue, and it isn't.
You know, l never thought l'd say it, but we really do love living over there.
Hello, dears.
- Hey, Marie.
- Hey, Marie.
Look at Amy.
You look marvelous, dear.
Doesn't she look marvelous, Debra? Why wouldn't she? She's living with you.
- True.
- Yeah.
Raymond, l meant to ask you a favor, but you left so quickly.
l was wondering if you could put up my storm windows for me, 'cause lately, l've been getting a chill while l'm doing my morning calisthenics.
Wait wait wait.
Storm windows? Why can't Robert do it, or is he sleeping of his blueberry high? Sure, Marie.
Robert could do it.
- Robert has other things to do.
- What? What's he do? He puts his life on the line every day to protect the communit.
- He doesn't need any more stress.
- Stress? He can't pop in a few windows at the house where he lives rent-free? You know, this lazy side of you is very unattractive, Raymond.
But fine.
My joints are a little stif, but l'll just bundle up and hope for a mild winter.
All right, Mom.
l'll put in the windows.
Thank you.
l don't know why you'd want to make a house that Dad lives in airtight.
- Take it of.
- Aahhh! What are you doing peeping in my window? Sorry.
lt's just l like 'em big.
What are you doing there? l'm doing your job.
l'm changing the stupid windows.
Oh, yeah, since when is that my job? Wait a minute.
What happened to my room here, huh? What is all this stuf? ls this a refrigerator? - Raymond, please, l'm very busy.
- Look at all this.
l knew Amy took a nip once in a while.
l didn't know she was a wino.
This is not Amy's doing.
Ma put this in for us.
Now if you don't mind, l would like to get dressed.
What's with the candles and massage oil? Well, Ma gave us a gift basket when we all moved in together.
That's right.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How come Mom's doing all this for you all of a sudden, with the special treatment and candles and wine, massage oil? Oh.
- Oh! - What what? Grandchildren.
She wants grandchildren, and she's doing all she can to grease the wheels.
- Oh, get outta here.
- No, it's gotta be.
Come on, you're a cop.
Put it together.
This isn't a gift basket.
lt's a love basket.
Why do you think Mom doesn't want you working around the house? She's got a much bigger job for you.
You know what? You're just jealous.
- l'm telling you.
- No, you are wrong.
You see, what you can't stand is how much Mom likes me and Amy.
- What? - That's right.
You see, as a team, and you very well know, me and Amy beat you and Debra hands down.
- Oh, give me a break.
- lt's simply mathematics, Raymond.
You see, if you take Ma's love for you, subtract it by her distaste for Debra, compare it to her disappointment in me, add in her adoration for Amy, we end up winning by 15 points.
Yeah, 15 points.
That's right.
Now if you don't mind, - l would like you out of my room.
- Yeah, your room.
Yeah, that's right.
And if you don't leave right now, l will take of my robe and hug you.
One - Shut up.
- Two.
- Don't be stupid.
- Three.
Sorry, Ma.
l remember it from the tub.
Listen, Robbie, l was at the store and l picked up some boxer shorts for you.
They're satin.
Thanks, Ma, but you know, boxer shorts aren't really my thing.
That's nonsense.
These briefs that you wear are much too tight.
And look, they match Amy's eyes.
Oh my God.
Ooh.
Oh, soft.
lt's so soft.
Okay, all right.
l'll let you get your rest, Robert.
You got a lot of work to do.
No no, wait a minute.
This can't possibly-- Oh, wake up, my friend, huh? You think you're in your bedroom, but you're really in the incubator! Amy! Amy! Amy! Hey, what is it? Hey, cute boxers.
- We're being played.
- What? You know all that nice stuf that Mom's doing for us? lt isn't because she cares for us.
She wants us to breed.
We're Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing.
Have you been raiding our little fridge this morning? And you see, that's all part of it-- the alcohol, the candles, the oil.
You mix all that together and you know what you get? A baby.
l guess the girls get a diferent slide show than the boys.
Listen.
Listen to me, Amy.
Mom is only doing this for one reason.
She's trying to seduce us.
You like these boxers, huh, do you? Well, she bought them because they match your eyes and won't squeeze my peas.
Robert, where is this coming from all of a sudden? l'm a cop.
l put it together.
Don't you understand, Amy? We are living in a baby factory! - What are you doing? - What am l doing? l'm searching for bugs-- hidden cameras, listening devices.
Robert, you're going crazy.
Am l? What have we here, huh? We're onto you, Ma.
We're onto you.
Robert, that's a thermostat.
We'll just see about that.
This is just a thermostat.
But look-- it is set to 72-- optimum spawning temperature.
All right, Robert.
l know your mother likes to get involved in people's lives, but do you really think she's trying to seduce us? - What is that? - Just a CD.
- Where'd you get it? - Your mom gave it to me.
Oh.
Barry White? That is odd.
Odd? Barry White? You think this was in her collection? You think she listens to Oh, baby, take of that brassiere, my dear.
That's not Mom.
No.
Ah.
She will stop at nothing! Wow.
You know, l was actually thinking that Mom was starting to appreciate me for myself, just like she appreciates Raymond.
ldiot idiot idiot! Oh, Robert.
lt's okay.
She appreciates you.
Yeah.
l'm her prize stud.
Hey, if you think about it, she appreciates you so much that she can't wait to have a bunch of little Roberts running all over the place.
Little Roberts.
Or little Robertas.
You know, it's actually kinda sweet in its own manipulative, creepy way.
lt's like she built a little nest for us.
l don't know.
Maybe we should think about it.
What do you mean? We have a plan.
Our ducks aren't in a row yet.
We're still trying to get up enough money together.
We don't have our own house.
Our ducks are all over the pond.
Well, maybe all our ducks don't have to be in a row.
l mean, l don't know.
We're married, that's a big duck.
lt's not like we're never gonna want kids.
What are you saying? You mean right now? Oh, take of that brassiere, my dear.
To hell with the ducks.
- l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
- What? What is it? My mom-- l can't get her outta my head.
We'll see about that.
No no.
She's still there.
l can hear her voice.
l can hear her voice: ''Go, Robbie, go!'' - Robert - l just can't.
lt's too much pressure for me.
l can't breed in captivit! l found a boomy box.
We're not animals! Well, Dad, l didn't have a lot of money, but l got you a stripper.
Shh! Damn.
She's coming.
- Who? - Ma.
Jeez, Ray, why do you live so close to her? Robert.
Robert, what is wrong? Why did you run out of the house? lt's nothing, Marie.
l think we just need to be alone.
Well, that's fine.
Frank, Raymond, get out.
l want them to stay.
l need witnesses.
What's going on? Okay, you ready for this, Debra? Turns out the reason why Mom's been so nice to me and Amy is because she's trying to manipulate us into getting pregnant.
Oh.
l feel better now.
Admit it, Ma.
Ever since we moved in, you've been luring us into some kind of Venus sex trap! First of all, do not say ''sex trap'' to me.
And second of all, this is the most ridiculous thing l've ever heard.
l resent the fact that you see me as this manipulative monster.
And by the way, what would be so terrible if you and Amy had a baby? Ma, try to understand.
- lt's not the right time right now.
- l understand.
What do you think, Amy? Well, l think we both need to be ready.
But l am ready.
No, Marie.
Me and Robert.
Yeah, Ma.
You could see that, can't you? Of course l can.
l only want the best for you.
Get your ass outta my house.
What? Marie, you don't mean that.
Well, lf they want to live in my house, there are certain rules.
Ma, come on.
Nobody's throwing anybody out.
No no.
Let's think about this.
Since Marie has been paying so much attention to them lately, she's been nagging me less.
On the other hand, this has also made my dinners somewhat tardy.
Don't worry, okay? We're moving out.
Come on, Amy.
Let's go.
Robert, wait.
l don't know what to say, Marie.
l feel used.
l mean, l fell for all this.
With all due respect, this is between me and my husband.
And just so you know, Robert even was willing to try, but he couldn't perform because he couldn't get you out of his mind.
Amy! Believe me, and l've tried hard.
lt takes a few years.
And worst of all, Robert thought that maybe you appreciated him for himself, and not his-- All right, take it easy.
Amy, l don't know where Robert gets this idea that l don't appreciate him.
l do.
l do! lf anything, l have always favored you over Raymond.
lt's true.
And, Robbie, l may have paid a bit more attention to Raymond, but that's only because he was a needy, soft, weak little boy.
Ma You, on the other hand, you've always been so strong.
l never had to worry about you being bullied on the playground, because you were always a boy who-- Had a five o'clock shadow.
Yes, maybe l was wrong to try to create conditions that would encourage you to be fruitful and multiply, as it says in the Bible.
But that's only because it would be a waste not to pass on these strong legs, these broad shoulders, and this marvelous set of teeth.
l'm sorry, Raymond, but your teeth were always a disaster.
Well, that's very nice, Ma, but do you really expect me to believe this? No.
l don't expect you to believe anything l say.
l obviously have failed as a mother, and l was only hoping to have one more chance as a grandmother.
But, Marie, you are a grandmother.
What about our kids? Oh? Where are they? Ally! Michael, Geofrey.
lt used to be that l'd walk through that door and l'd be smothered with hugs and kisses.
- Yeah.
- Grandma's here.
Hi.
- See? - Oh, come on, Marie.
- You know they love you.
- Yeah.
Maybe if you just gave them a little time to miss you.
Well, there'll be plent of time soon enough.
Hold on, Ma.
Did you really mean those nice things you said about me-- you know, about my strength and my goodness and my teeth? l wouldn't have said them if l didn't mean them.
And l really am the favorite? Ma l'm sorry you had to hear it like this, Raymond.
You know what, Ma? l think Amy and l can give it a shot.
Whatever you want, dear.
Come on, Frank.
l want to make them chocolate-covered strawberries.
l ate those strawberries.
l ate that chocolate.
l drank all the booze in the little fridge.
Robert, are you sure about all this? - l just got the feeling that your mom-- - Yeah, l gotta tell you-- l can't believe you fell for that.
Yes, it certainly looks that way, doesn't it? She may be treating me as the favorite for now, but after she gets Amy pregnant, l go back to being number four.
- Wait a minute.
You're number four? - Okay, three.
But before that happens, l plan on milking this for a long time.
Aw, we shoulda just kicked 'em out.
l can't even do this for 15 minutes.