Futurama s09e08 Episode Script

1
[grandiose music playing]
[theme song playing]
♪♪
[alarm clock beeping]
[alarm stops]
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
- Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
- Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
I'll change Stinky.
You serve breakfast to Picky.
I'm not picky!
Ew, gross!
You got egg white in my egg!
[Mandy struggling]
Ugh! Just get dressed, Mandy!
These are kids' clothes, Mom!
I'm not wearing these!
Me neither!
[squishing]
[grunts]
[splat, sizzle]
Ew, gross!
You got egg white on his diaper.
♪
[rattling] I don't get
why my kids are so spoiled.
We have tons of money,
we give them everything they want,
- and still totally spoiled!
- Your kids should see how
I grew up in the Orphanarium.
[whack]
Ugh. We could only dream
of being spoiled and obnoxious.
[blows raspberry]
Oh yeah?
[blows flaming raspberry]
Hey, does the Orphanarium
allow visitors?
You know, so people can
feel good about themselves,
- and also frighten their own children?
- Sure! It's called volunteering.
[upbeat music playing]
Ew! This place smells worse than Mandy!
- Does not!
- Well, I, for one,
think volunteering is a fantastic idea.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
[phone ringing]
Lieutenant Kroker!
Report for emergency briefing.
Oh, thank God.
I'll be back in a month!
[frantic panting]
[buzzer]
[door creaks]
[children giggling]
Warden Vogel!
Leela!
It seems like only yesterday
you were this tall
and riddled with scurvy.
[both laughing]
Lot of bad memories.
Is this gonna be my new family?
No, Albert.
These folks are here to provide
useless, unskilled labor,
not adopt you.
Oh, thank God.
Get ready for some super fun
hands-on volunteer work.
[fly buzzing]
[water drips]
But don't touch anything.
It's snack time, so you can start
by cutting these grapes in half.
Ah, so the little ones don't choke.
No, so there's enough to go around.
[annoyed sigh]
[snipping]
Next, cut the blankets.
[bubbling]
This soup smells delicious!
Can I help serve and eat it, yum-yum?
You've gotta make it first.
That's just tap water.
[gurgling]
Mm, chunky.
[slurping]
Shall I take this putrid trash out?
That isn't trash.
It's the donation bin.
Donors put their trash in it.
Okay, kids, line up.
[kids cheer]
Each child will receive
precisely 0.6 kilograms of toy.
Two-thirds of a basketball for you,
a clump of melted army men for you,
three stuffed animals
with tomato sauce for you,
and a tricy uh, bicycle for you.
[clatters]
- Albert, you get a cookie.
- Yum!
[chomp]
[tire pops, deflates]
[dramatic sting]
This used to be my room.
It's the only one with a window.
[raccoon chittering]
That's Bandit.
He gave me my first rabies.
This is way nicer than my room at home!
Mine has too much furnitures.
And it's all so matchy-matchy.
[squish]
And her toys have lots of sauce on them!
Mine don't have any!
[crying]
You want me to kick her?
[bright music playing]
Here you go.
[plate shatters]
And one for you.
[plate shatters]
[baby talk] And one for you.
[plate slides, shatters]
[normal]
Ah. It just feels so good to help.
Can you fix our table, Mr. Shiny Pants?
I thought you'd never ask!
[grunts]
[children cheer]
Can you bend my spoon straight?
No problem, kid. [grunts]
How'd that happen anyway?
Damien did it. With his brain.
[eerie music playing]
My man, Damien!
[antenna squeaks]
[yelps]
[bird caws]
I apologize, kids.
That was just horrible!
I'll buy you all ponies to make up for it.
- Mine better be a big one!
- Hey, where's Mandy?
[bed squeaking]
[kids laugh]
I love it here! Whee!
[bed smashes]
[laughter]
Wanna play toys?
The raccoon lick'ded some
of the p'sghetti sauce off.
Aw, so cute!
[squishing]
Hi! My name is Bearinara!
[giggles]
I like your ear!
[giggles]
[squishing]
I like your big empty forehead.
[both laugh]
You're a little green froggy
just like my daddy!
[smooch]
[dramatic sting]
Mandy! Stop kissing garbage!
- But, we're having fun!
- Come on. It's time to go.
Can I at least give her a hug goodbye?
[whispers]
I said not to touch anything dirty.
[sad music playing]
[feet scraping]
[dramatic music playing]
- Reporting for briefing, sir!
- You know, Kif,
among certain females, I'm
better known for my de-briefing.
[laughing]
[Kif groans]
At ease, gentlemen.
[startled grunt]
Admirella?
And in combat uniform?
This must be important.
Very important, Lieutenant.
What I'm about to
show you is top secret.
That's why I've been keeping it
close to my chest.
- [unzipping] Uh
- I-I should get a map like that for Amy.
Unidentified hostile aliens
have wiped out
several of our remote bases
here, here, and here.
[beeping]
- I've been to two of those bases.
- And they're on a direct course for
well, I'm not at liberty to say,
but one of the DOOP's
most important planets.
Not Amphibios 9, my home world?!
[both laughing]
Important means Earth, Lieutenant.
The very survival of Earth is at stake.
Pfft. "Amphibios 9."
[both laughing]
[ominous crescendo]
Oh, ho, ho.
♪
[splashing]
Those orphans sure taught us a lot
about not being spoiled.
Right, kids?
[sniffing]
Are these domestic bath salts?
What are we, bankrupt?
I miss Sally.
And her fuzzly toys.
I'll get you a clean new fuzzly toy.
I'm sure you can find them anywhere.
[dramatic sting]
Sold out?
[dramatic sting]
Sold out?!
[dramatic sting]
Ah. There they are.
[all arguing]
- Hey!
- Grab. Hands off my kajigger!
It's a present for my whatsit!
Your whatsit's too old
to play with kajiggers.
[both struggling]
Ooh! Looks like we've got
a little Fuzzy Funbag collector!
- People collect these things?
- Oh God, yes.
From the moment I nabbed
my first one, I was like
Gotta collect 'em all! ♪
[electronic jingle playing]
SIGN: Gotta collect 'em all! ♪
Now that I know they're hard to get,
I want them!
[punch lands]
Ow!
There! I collected 'em all.
Oh, honey,
that's not even close to 'em all.
You've got, like, 195 to go.
Shman. Then, I better get started.
- Hey!
- Oh, grow up.
[triumphant music playing]
[computer alert]
[gasps]
A Bitey Bedbug came up on bBay!
[scoffs]
[clicks remote]
- In business news
- Turn that off!
the Fuzzy Funbag index
hit an all-time high today
[beep]
[gasps] Turn that on!
Experts agree,
the mass-produced bags
can only go up in value,
much like Bitcoin or tulips.
Gotta collect 'em all.
[spirited music playing]
[gasps]
[squishing, pop]
[dark music playing]
[inaudible]
Hm
One to go.
Cashew CuddleFish,
I'm gonna collect you so hard!
♪
Business is booming!
We're delivering whatever
these things are by the millions!
[yelps]
This one! The CuddleFish!
Has anyone seen it?!
You seem kinda worked up, Amy.
Though it is awful cute.
Gimme that drawing!
[both struggle]
You know, there's actually
quite a bit of science
behind the concept of cuteness.
Ooh! Lecture, lecture!
[beep]
PROFESSOR: Since baby mammals have
relatively large eyes at birth,
we evolved to find that cute,
so we'd care for our offspring
instead of strangling them.
Clever little bastards.
[beep]
Let's run an experiment.
[cart rattling]
I'm going to show a series of images,
and my cu-trometer will measure
how loud you say "aww."
[beep]
ALL: Aww.
[beep]
[louder] Aww!
[beep]
[even louder] Aww!
[beep]
- Ew!
- Yuck!
Correct! This face has
zero cuteness coefficient.
The pinprick pupils
are ugly and off-putting.
Turn it off! Turn it off!
But these Funbags, why,
they take it to the next level!
[beep]
ALL: Aww!!!
[beeping, breaking]
Our desire to obtain them
is beyond our control.
I don't know
if it's literally beyond our
[alarm blaring]
A CuddleFish is up for auction!
[piercing shriek, laugh]
[tires screeching]
Just sneak in and pretend
to be orphans till I get back!
Go, go, go!
[engine roaring, tires squealing]
[posh music playing]
[auction chatter]
Wow.
You own your own bidding paddle?
I own my own number.
We now start the bidding for the rarest
and cutest of all Funbags.
Cashew the CuddleFish.
[audience ooh's and aww's]
All the money in
my children's college funds!
[audience gasps]
Madam, that bid is more
than makes any sense.
We have More Than Makes Any Sense,
More Than Makes Any Sense.
Do I hear More Than Makes
Any Sense and a Half?
[squishing]
[audience murmurs]
We have More Than Makes
Any Sense and a Half.
Do I hear Girl, Are You
Kidding Me Right Now?
You only live once, Mother.
[mutters]
Although it's been a very long once.
Girl, are you kidding me right now?
- Ow!
- Objection! Stop the bidding!
This Funbag is a fake!
[audience gasps]
AMY: What?!
Note how the fabric on the underseam
is a slightly lighter shade
than it should be.
And instead of reading
"Cashew CuddleFish,"
the tag reads,
"Knockoff Phonyfish."
You're a professional
Funbag appraiser!
How did you not notice that before?
Honestly, I was just too
distracted by its cuteness.
Ugh!
Has anyone even seen a real CuddleFish?
Maybe they don't exist!
Maybe it's all just some kinda
sick, fuzzy-wuzzy game!
Now, now, calm down.
Remember, Miss Wong,
- you have actual kids to hug.
- Who? Oh, right!
[gasps] That stain
looks like a moldy bunny.
MANDY:
That one looks like a cockaroach!
Oh, it ran away.
Let's play Funbags!
Come on, Mandy,
let's go home and take a bath
and incinerate those clothes.
[dramatic sting]
[gasping]
[thud]
[fanciful music playing]
[slightly tense music playing]
Wow.
What an interesting little toy.
It is?
What's interesting about it?
I mean, nothing really.
They're just so fun to trade, right?
Why do you sound weird, Mom?
[stilted] I don't sound weird.
Go wait in the car!
[normal]
That one is so dirty.
Wouldn't you rather have
some nice clean ones?
No, I like my dirty one better.
It matches me.
Oh, b-but this purple lion
is slightly rare!
And I'll throw in a whole bag
of gold variant hugger whales.
- You can just have it if you want.
- Take the deal!
[suspenseful music playing]
Approaching Outpost Merveena 6,
the latest base to fall silent.
I have a weird feeling about this, Kif.
Set tension level to maximum.
[sighs]
[tense whirring]
[tense music playing]
[dramatic sting]
Holy fri-jo-les!
It's horrifying!
After you, Kif.
[grunts]
Their windpipes and rib cages
have been crushed.
It's as if they had their very lives
cuddled out of them!
[typing]
ZAPP: Let's check the security footage.
Whoever arrived here last
must be the massacre-er.
[audio rewinding]
[static]
[Kif gasps] That's Amy's
boss' delivery crew's ship!
[dolly squeaking]
[bottles clatter]
[Bender giggles]
They just made a harmless
delivery and stole some stuff.
Nothing illegal about that.
[ship roaring]
Some monster must've
stowed aboard that ship,
then murdered everything here
to the death.
Do you think it's still around?
[gasps]
- Or maybe already headed to Earth?
- I don't think.
I run away!
[whimpering]
Oh, I hope Amy and the
kids are alright. [panting]
Can't go on a work trip and not
bring back a cute present. [panting]
♪
So, after long
and careless consideration,
your pension is now fully invested
in Fuzzy Funbags.
It's just prudent.
[Zapp panting]
- Any alien invaders around here?
- Uh-oh. The fuzz!
Something wiped out
the outpost at Merveena 6.
But, we were just there!
Uh, they had a precious vase!
Much like this one!
Some unthinkable horror may have
stowed away in your cargo hold.
What were you delivering?
The only thing
we deliver anywhere anymore.
Fuzzy Funbags. Like that.
[dramatic sting]
- Exactly like this?
- Let me see that Funbag.
Scalpel.
[fabric ripping]
[all gasping, gagging]
- My God!
- What? What's in there?
Little plastic beads! Or beans!
What did you expect?
It's a beanbag.
Whoa, this is no bean.
- It's alive!
- Aren't beans alive?
Cork it, nerd!
[beeping]
[whirring]
[slicing, squishing]
[all gasp]
ZOIDBERG: Yum.
The entire organism
is filled with spores!
It's essentially just
one big reproductive organ.
Much like certain humans,
eh, Leela? [clicks tongue]
Is it possible these little fun bags
- could've caused such devastation?
- Not on their own, no.
They have no brain!
Much like certain humans, eh, Leela?
Eh No, uh, wait.
There would have to be some
malicious variant to command them.
A highly unusual one
with diabolical intelligence.
"The Alpha Funbag."
[dramatic sting]
I got it, I got it! ♪
The rarest in the world! ♪
By ripping off a little orphan girl! ♪
I'm a terrible person.
[sobbing]
[sad music playing]
[dramatic music playing]
So these Funbags are invading Earth?
How is that possible?
Cuteness is a brilliant
evolutionary strategy.
They can't build spaceships,
- or even their own shelves to sit on.
- Heh-heh, losers.
But they don't have to.
They evolved to be irresistibly cute,
so fools like everyone but me
would collect them.
This is an invasion where
we're buying the invaders
and bringing them into our homes!
Like my black mold Chia Pet?
[coughing]
- What would their leader look like?
- The Alpha Funbag?
Well, it wouldn't be a common one,
like Chutney the Chipmunk
or Extincty the Black Rhino.
No, it would be rare and expensive.
One only within
the purview of a top collector,
such as myself, or Amy.
Mm-hmm.
- Or Amy?
- Mm-hmm.
[mysterious music playing]
Mandy, Mommy did something wrong,
and it's time to make it right.
You mean abandoning us for
weeks to go toy shopping?
No, but that was also an oopsie.
Here you go, Albert.
And this one's for you, Nina.
Got one to spare for a warden
with an empty space on his shelf?
And in his heart?
Of course!
Enjoy, kids.
I'm donating my whole collection
to the Orphanarium!
[dramatic music playing]
- I'm back!
- [gasps] Mandy!
I was scareded I'd never see you again.
Sally, I did a bad thing.
Taking away your special toy.
It's rare and valuable,
and it belongs to you.
It's okay, you can keep it.
I like the one you gave me more.
That cheap common one
that anybody can get?
- Are you crazy?!
- It's special to me,
'cause it's the first time a mommy
ever gived me a present.
[heartwarming music playing]
- Please, please take it back.
- Mm-mmm.
It's important to you
in some grown-up way,
but to me, it's just a toy.
But that's the most
important thing it can be.
Just take it and have fun.
No! It's only fun to play
with someone, especially Mandy.
Is she allowed to play with me again?
You and Mandy can play together
as much as you want.
Then, okay.
[squishing]
[Amy and Sally struggle]
Mommy, you're not letting go of it.
[grunting, gasps]
You'll be okay.
It's just a toy.
[blinking]
[deep, scratchy voice] Let's cuddle!
[screaming]
[ominous music playing]
[scared whimpering]
♪
[dramatic sting]
[Zapp humming heroic charge music]
Ow.
[gasps]
[door creaks]
[all gasp]
[grunts] Help!
[squeezing]
It's hugging my neck!
[choking]
Fear not!
Kif, put him out of his misery.
[zap]
[rattling]
[comical popping]
[dramatic music playing]
Ah!
Dear lord!
When the Funbags explode,
it triggers the beans to hatch!
So how are we supposed to kill them?
With my monkey-killing barrel,
of course.
Just place the fun bags in and
[imitates cutting throat]
[kids whimpering]
You've met your match,
tiny motionless cuddly animal.
[heartwarming music playing]
I can't do it. It's too adorable!
Don't be ridiculous. Give it to me.
[music continues]
Oh! Dammit!
The cuteness is too much, even for me!
And I believe Bambi's mother deserved it!
It's no use.
We're totally outgunned.
- AMY: Kif! Help!
- Amy!
[whimpering]
[dramatic music playing]
[creepy cute music playing]
Cuddle formation!
[dramatic music playing]
Forward, hug!
[dramatic crescendo]
I'm scared, Mama! I need a hug!
No, Mandy!
Whatever you do, no hugging!
[tense music playing]
[whispers]
We mustn't release the spores,
so don't shoot anything.
How could I?
Their eyes are just so big and cute.
[dramatic sting]
Ah! Those tiny pinprick pupils!
[zapping]
[dramatic music playing]
[popping]
[all screaming]
[screaming, wailing]
[phone ringing]
Amy, I may not make it!
You've got to kill the Alpha Funbag!
The Alpha Who-bag?
The leader! The leader!
[choking]
[static]
That's it! Nobody gets to
hug Kif to death but me!
Prepare to die!
You can't kill me!
I'm the cutest thing in the universe!
Wrong! Because to a mother,
the cutest thing in the universe
is her own child.
[choking]
[Mandy choking]
[Cashew CuddleFish laughing]
- Mom! Stop it!
- Oops!
[sniffles] Goodbye
[coughing]
I know you said not to hug,
but we're gonna!
- Yeah, let's do.
- Yes. Come give me a nice hug.
You're making this too easy!
[evil laughter]
[crunching]
[gagging] Hey!
You're hugging too hard!
[gasping, groans]
[panting] Am I too late?
No, but I may be a little
snuggle-shy for a while.
That's okay. Although, I
did just get you a map suit.
The Alpha Funbag is dead?
- How on earth did you do it?!
- Cute recognize cute.
[popping]
[dramatic music playing]
[screaming]
[heavy thudding]
Hm. It seems the CuddleFish
has been reduced
to a common variant,
with no special powers.
That's a convenient relief.
And look how many
rare ones there are now.
We're all rich!
[all cheering]
They may be lousy toys,
but they're a great investment.
And I collected 'em all!
[gentle music playing]
[operatic vocalizing]
[bulldozer engine roaring]
Gotta collect 'em, gotta collect 'em ♪
Gotta collect 'em all! ♪