It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e08 Episode Script

So what if I didn't go to college? John McClane didn't go to college.
He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street - smarts.
- Mac, you do realize John McClane's a fictional character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who almost certainly went to - college.
- Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that supports Mac's argument.
Yeah! Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.
And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore are not going to get selected for this intelligence experiment.
Welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this intelligence experiment.
I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.
I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said "volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.
Volunteering's for suckers.
Yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in compensation.
There you go.
That's what we're talking! That's more like it.
Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think you'll find that I am your man.
Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with brainpower.
But you and me, we know different, huh? Uh, "you and I.
" What? No, not you and I.
Him and I, idiot.
In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both of you.
Dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition like that from someone like you.
To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with superior intelligence.
In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.
Excuse me for a minute.
I'm sorry, wait, wait! That's a sorry.
- What are you doing? - I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your rat problem.
Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab rat.
His name's Armitage Shanks.
If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.
And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.
We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.
What would you think about something like that? A pill that could make you seven times smarter.
Cheese, huh? Yeah, all right.
Ow! Shit! What's your name, young man? It's Charlie.
Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.
Aah! Shit! Why don't you try the cheese under the green light, Charlie? I want this cheese.
Aah! Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.
Thank you all very much for coming.
Aw, Frank, you're intruding upon my education.
This is crazy, Charlie.
That's crazy.
Aw, shut up.
Whoa, what the hell is this? What are you doing, man? Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven at the same time.
You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
Let me guess this straight.
You just realized that you have two ears? Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.
I don't know about that, Frank.
I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.
Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.
You're only doing that because you can't read, all right? Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic - case - of the placebo effect.
I considered that, but I don't think that's it, Dennis.
Whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo Placebo means from the Latin "placebo," meaning "I shall please.
" I listened to a chapter on that this morning.
This is Such bullshit? I wasn't gonna say Gonna say that? Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't - make you s-s-s - Intelligent.
Oh! Guys, guys, we've got a huge problem back there.
Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.
Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you hop on that, and be smart about it.
Good pleasantry, cute.
How about no? What do you mean "no"? How about you kill the rat? You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so, and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.
That be nice.
Let's do that.
What are you talking about? A week? To kill a rat? Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about? You have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat, dude.
Well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.
You're Oh, and then I realized, Tang See, that these so-called friends of mine have been exploiting my labor for years.
An astute observation.
Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the proletariat.
It completely conforms when you think about it.
Ah, Tang See, these-these pills are having quite an effect on me.
And the combination with my readings is really leading me into some rather large ideas.
I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.
Yes.
The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.
Exactly, right? Now, Tang See, let's-let's talk for a second.
What do you think my IQ is now? And be honest.
Well, what do you think it is? Wow.
You know.
Probably, yeah.
Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break You have to be careful, Charlie.
This is uncharted waters here.
Have you been having any side effects? Yes.
Okay, yes.
There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.
My-my legs grow numb from time to time.
I ache all over if I'm being honest, but I got Mongolian barbecue and Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, I got to stop you.
Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm sorry, man.
But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.
Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but What? I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games anymore, nor should you.
We're the Gruesome Twosome.
You don't have to keep saying that, I know The sound effects won't help you.
The Gruesome Twosome.
They don't further your argument in any way.
You speak Mandarin? Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.
Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located him-- he's right near the hole.
Oh, good, let me bash him! No, no, no Oh, goddamn it.
He scurried away.
All right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him up good.
No, no, Mac, come on.
We're smarter than that.
That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the place.
It's not about brute force.
It's about seduction.
See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little guy.
And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.
And I want you here With me From tonight until The end of time You should know Hey, you guys catch that rat yet? Any minute now, Dee.
I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.
I have come up with the intelligent solution.
Ultrasonic rodent repellant.
It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat eardrums.
Stupid rats.
Uh, those things don't work, Dee.
Oh, no? Okay, how about we do a little wager.
The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.
The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am crowned the smartest in the Oh, God, gross.
Is that cheese? Get it off me! Get it off, I'm st I'm stuck to your glue! You guys! You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.
Now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide her hand right out, but with those giant man hands Yeah, you really don't stand a chance, Dee.
Okay, I get it.
Do you hear that? I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming! It's coming to eat its cheese.
You guys, help! Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat scarer, Dee.
Guys! It's on me! It's on my hand! Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.
Now, where this gets interesting is when the rat finishes the cheese.
Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody stump, then she could just slide it right out.
Hey.
Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.
It ate its cheese and then ran away.
It didn't get stuck to the glue.
Huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave it credit for, Mac.
Hmm.
He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.
Is he fine? He's fine.
All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.
He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you know? Hmm.
God.
Are you all right? Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.
Jot that down, please.
Huh? Yes, I heard-heard the words.
I'm learning Mandarin.
It means "You got that right.
" Yes, Frank, I got what right, though? The thing about the cripple.
What cripple? Why are you speaking? Stephen Hawking.
Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.
But I didn't know what I was gonna say.
I had to look it up.
You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the problem, isn't it? Say that again? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't Go slower.
Frank, I cannot go slower for you! Checkmate, Tang See, wake up.
Open your eyes, listen.
I cannot go slower.
Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical level, the pataphysical level.
Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud, and-and really, my-my What? You got a pain? Charlie, I'm telling you.
Those pills are no good for you.
They're hurting you, those pills.
They're turning you into someone you're not.
Shut up! Okay, okay.
Don't get cute, Tang See, you're not much smarter than he is.
Checkmate.
Well, you know, it-it, uh hmm Try jerking it again.
Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.
I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.
This is crazy.
I mean, we should be able to figure this out.
Ooh, oh! What about gasoline? Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the glue.
You are a brilliant man, yes! Try it.
Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.
That's basic chemistry.
Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Ohweot to be careful though because gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme caution.
Of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline willy-nilly.
It's gonna work.
Okay.
And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie likes to keep booze in here sometimes.
That's true, he does do that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that's definitely Let me double check because, you know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.
You want to? Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.
Oh, oh, Christ, that's good stuff that's high-test.
Can I get a toot down here? Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.
Ooh, guys, yes.
Are you sure it's gasoline though? I should just try it again.
Jesus, Jesus! That's gasoline.
All right, let's blast off.
Engage thrusters, Captain.
Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.
Holy shit.
As long as we're blasting.
You know what? Let's pop off on this shit a little bit, then let's get back to business.
Yeah, okay.
This is making me feel Oh, shit, there he goes.
Oh, he's a squirrely little bastard, isn't he? You son of a bitch.
He's making I and you look dumb.
Yeah uh "I and you.
" No, me and you, me, you, me, I.
It was you and I? You and I Me and you look dumb.
Dumb.
It's got to be Dumb is a funny word.
me and.
.
mb.
Du is a funny word.
Dumb.
Dumb.
Pass the gas.
Dumb.
Pass it, pass it.
Pass the gas.
Oh, yeah, you're reading now? Since when do you read? Oh, hello, hello.
Uh, well, I was just glancing at War andPeace, and let me tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.
"Brevity is the soul of wit.
" Which, uh Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or is, uh What is this? What are you doing? I'm having dinner with you.
I see, you've lifted the restraining order? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.
Ah, I see.
Do you? 'Cause I don't.
I didn't ask questions though.
Well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it? Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.
I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better suited for those interests, so understandably Frank is feeling somewhat marginalized.
Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn, been pulling me away from Frank as of late.
What now? Frank's using you to get to me.
How are you? Never mind.
Moving on.
Beaujolais? Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.
That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.
So, uh, tell me about yourself.
Are you quite well these days? Well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss, like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.
I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am, and I'm like, "That doesn't define me, dude, okay? Like, I'm saving up to open my own nail salon.
" And I have come up with all of these great names for a nail salon.
Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger Fantasy.
And I've been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot because it's a show that takes place in salons.
Finger Fantasy.
Finger Fantasy.
I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.
And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot, because it's a show that takes place in Yeah, see? The mouse always wins.
There's there's, like, no winning with mices.
Cat keeps getting hurt.
He gets hurt.
Well, it's dangerous, yeah.
What the hell are you guys doing? We're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how kitty cats deal with their rat issues.
If Charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.
He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.
Charlie is our foundation.
Where does a foundation belong? Yes.
On top.
On the bottom.
Oh.
On the bottom.
We gotta go grab Charlie and drag him back down into the sewer where he belongs.
Oh Well, well I can't, see I've been outsmart by a rat and right now I'm stuck on its glue trap.
Did you try the gasoline, loosening it? All over it.
That didn't work, but you know what does work? Breathing it in.
Deandra, are you holding onto the trap? No.
Oh, I don't I don't know.
Let go of the trap.
No No.
That's so stupid.
All right, come on.
We gotta go get Charlie.
Uh, no, no.
We'll do it.
Let's do it tomorrow.
We'll nap first.
Could you turn the TV back on? Tomorrow's good.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to see the results of a bold experiment in human intelligence.
He's totally different.
Totally different person.
We'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find him a rather incredible specimen.
Tang See.
Ah What is happening? Thank you, Tang See, my-my dear, dear friend.
A simple pill ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought so clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft cheese and led him to an invention.
Is he doing an accent? Yeah.
Every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of being and understanding our world.
This invention-- my invention-- will change everything.
For the better, one hopes.
But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes? You must excuse me.
I've grown quite weary.
Come on.
Finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.
We have the means, the understanding, the technology to allow spiders to talk with cats! Our exploration into the effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a complete failure.
Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and consistently reinforced by my assistant Tang See did not, in fact, make the test subject smarter.
It did, however, yield fascinating results.
Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.
The subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned Mandarin in two days.
Tang See! Again, this is complete gibberish.
The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.
plus nine equals box.
All right? That's where the cat goes.
And in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years, because of a perceived upidity relative to himself.
Perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects that he believed himself to be having.
Uh, debilitating aches and pains.
It was all-all in his mind.
Huh.
Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.
Placebo.
Pla-ce-bo.
Which is, of course, a a funny-sounding word.
That is a funny word.
Pretty funny, yeah.
"Placebo.
" "Placebe.
" Placido Domingo.
Police Academy.
Which is a good movie, Frank.
It is a good movie, Charlie.
You want to go back and watch it? With all my heart.
Please, can you not interrupt the lecture? We're still, uh What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment anyway? Yeah, like, was he smart or not? I don't even get it.
Uh, I don't think so.
Was I smart, sir? No.
Again, um if you could let us finish the lecture, and You stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends more smarter.
Hey, you're right! Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.
All right, let's get out of here.
Hey, Charlie! Police Academy.
Police Academy is an awesome movie.
Mahoney! Mahoney's my favorite character.