My Family (2000) s09e08 Episode Script

Ben Harper, you are full of surprises.
Mm.
And you're full of something else, Roger.
I didn't know you knew the Mouth Master.
The Mouth Master? Nope, never heard of him.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
Of course, you know him better as Jeremy Livingstone.
Oh my God! Jeremy Livingstone Nope, never heard of him.
You must have.
He's dedicated his new book on dentistry to you.
- What? - Look.
Truthpaste.
The man is a genius.
- Oh my God.
- Hm? "Dedicated to Ben Harper "for his tireless guidance and inspiration.
" There you are.
"Ben Harper".
Yeah.
Jeremy Livingstone is my god.
And you, Ben, are his god.
So, that makes you a double god! Oh God! - Roger, I don't know this man.
- Maybe you've just forgotten him.
If forgetting people were that easy I'd find you much less annoying.
He is doing a book signing later tonight.
Seeing him might jog your memory and with Susan away you must be free.
So, er, are you going to go? - Are you going? - Yes.
Then you know my answer.
(Susan) Dear Diary, today was the final day in my exciting quest to discover Eastern Europe's next great artist.
But the real excitement didn't begin until my journey home.
For, while connecting through Albania's third largest airport, I had the most intense romantic encounter of my life.
Not with her.
Please, give me some credit.
Step forward.
Quickly.
Not that quick.
My flight to London has just been cancelled.
Yes.
- Will it be rescheduled? - Yes.
- When? - Yes.
Look, I don't wish to be rude but I want you to book me on another flight right now Miss Bedvedenkomendenrushkeshin.
Is Bedvedenkomendrovskishine.
An announcement will be made when the next flight is boarding.
- When will that be? - When pilot sobers up.
I never should have let my husband book the ticket.
I didn't know there was still such a thing as peasant class.
No, he's stolen my handbag! Help! Help! Stop! (Shouts angrily in Albanian) (American accent) Here you go.
- What did you say to him? - My Albanian is a little rusty.
It was either, "Try it and you'll regret it," or, "Let's make love like warthogs.
" Both work equally well, actually.
You look a little shaken up.
Sit over here.
Lean on me.
Did I tell you he was romantic? What are you doing? I'm looking for a man named Jeremy Livingstone.
Has he been cremated? For your information he's dedicated a book to me.
- Is it a horror novel? - It's a book on dentistry.
Roger gave me his copy.
Michael, Michael, Michael, read that.
"To Ben Harper for his tireless guidance and inspiration.
" How much rent do you pay to live here, Alfie? Oh, what a buzz kill.
Don't be so surprised.
When I make a friend a bond is forged that nothing, nothing, nothing can sever.
- So, how do you know this guy? - Search me.
I'm hoping to find the answer in this.
My treasured box of possessions.
Oh, so many happy memories.
Oh-ho! Look at this! My dental college diploma.
Your birth certificate.
Janey's birth certificate.
Oh, Nick's note saying he was leaving for good.
Great days.
Great days.
Hang on, dental Dental college.
Yes, of course! Jez! Jez! Jeremy Livingstone! - Oh, you found him, then.
- Yes.
Jez and I graduated from the same dental college in 19 never mind.
Anyway, Jez and I were proper mates.
Yeah, I always made sure we sat together in the same class.
- Because you copied off him? - Bingo.
- Sounds like your type of mate.
- He never knew, I was subtle.
Although, to think that man has dedicated a book to me.
Oh, I wish your mother was here to see this, Mikey.
She'd be very impressed, then she'd point out Jeremy lives in a mansion while you make do in a creaky house you couldn't afford at today's prices.
While Jeremy has got celebrity patients like Ewan McGregor and - Keira Knightley.
Keira Knightley.
You're just a cog in the machine that is the Cavitex Corporation.
Yeah I wish Mum were here to see this too.
(Susan) Dear Diary, as that magical evening went on I became ever more enchanted with my handsome American stranger.
Well, I mean (Dreamily) just look at him.
Because I landed spread-eagled it cost me sixth place in the Chiswick ballroom dance off.
That story is so amazing it must be true.
Oh, Susan, I love your giggle.
Do you always giggle this much? No.
But I've done all the talking so far.
So, why are you off to London? For a little R and R.
I volunteer for Doctors Without Borders.
I was here helping out at the children's hospital.
How wonderful of you.
Charity is in my blood, I suppose.
I was even doing charity work in my previous life.
And, what was that? I was an underwear model.
I thought you looked familiar.
I think I bought a pack of underwear with you on it for my husband.
He made me take them back.
But I kept the box.
I didn't want to be an underwear model but it paid for medical school.
There's not much money in being an Olympic decathlete.
You poor, poor, extremely fit thing.
(Susan) It was at that moment that I decided to tell him about my husband and my life in London.
Yeah, rightl (Doorbell) If that's you, Roger, you can ring the bell again.
- (Ringing continues) - Sorry, no one's home.
Oh, sorry, Ben.
I think your doorbell's broken.
Yes.
So is the lock, apparently.
I was just passing by after the book signing.
Oh, it was all terrific fun.
Jeremy was very entertaining.
In fact Oh, spare me the details, Roger.
The man is a top class, grade-A berk.
I don't want anything to do with him.
As far as I'm concerned he's just an over-hyped, fame-seeking, molar jockey.
Hello, Ben! Whereas this Jeremy Livingstone is a top bloke! Who anyone would be happy to call a friend.
Oh, this is such a surprise! Jez! I am so pleased to see you.
I feel the same way, Benjie.
Aw, Benjie.
- Now, be quiet, Roger.
- Yes, Mouth Master.
This is You were on the What are you doing here? Well, when I told Jeremy my surgery was above yours he immediately called off the security guard who had me in a choke hold and insisted that I take him to you.
Is this true? I wouldn't say "immediately called off the choke hold".
He is such a kidder! - You can go now, Roger.
- Yes, Mouth Master.
Well, we, we've got a lot of catching up to do! We You better believe it! Hey, how about a spot of dinner tonight? The Ivy? Oh well, that's great.
Great.
But, you know, I was there for lunch.
- My treat.
- Let's eat.
To my good friend, Ben Harper.
Who once said I was destined to be the greatest dentist in Britain.
I said that? To boost my confidence before finals.
And I got a first.
Yeah, isn't that funny? So did I.
I can admit it now.
I was tempted to cheat off you once or twice.
Ooh, you I knew how disappointed you'd be in me.
So, are you married now, Jez? - Yep, three years this spring.
- Mm-hm.
And, the wife? Nice, is she? Not unattractive.
In fact, you see that woman reading a magazine over there? What, she's a bit like her? - No, it is her? - It's her.
It's her.
On the magazine cover.
She's a model.
Ooh! I see.
But, what about you, Ben? Tell me about your life.
Mm? Er Oh, I couldn't be happier, really.
I married my soul mate.
A lovely, warm-hearted, gentle creature.
You know, we know each other so well that we barely talk any more.
- Kids? - Angels, I call them.
Each one brighter than the next.
Yes, Nick, my eldest, he's flown the nest now Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, what a sad day that was.
There's Janey, my little princess.
Oh, not a selfish bone in her body.
And then Mikey, my little, my little son.
He's erm I think I'm closest to him.
Yeah, well, he's such a warm-hearted little tinker.
You're a lucky man, Ben.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Another bottle of wine.
Well, I have to say I'm jealous.
What, of me? You have it all! Sure, the books and the acclaim have lined my pockets but inside I've got nothing.
I've become a slave to my own success.
Mm.
How can I compare a stupid million-pound endorsement deal for dental floss with what you've got? (Croaks) You can't.
And sure, I've got money.
A beautiful wife.
Fabulous home.
But would you swap my life for yours? Is this an official offer? - Of course you wouldn't.
- No.
You've won, Ben.
And I've lost.
Uh-uh.
Dinner's still on you, right? (Traditional Albanian music) Dinner is served.
What's going on? I took the liberty of arranging this for us.
I thought you might like to sample some of the local cuisine.
You truly are the last romantic man alive.
Enjoy meal.
This looks delicious! Where did you? Hang on, where is the pig? Exactly how local is this cuisine? (Pig squeals) Oh, thank God.
Wait, has it always had three legs? I'm not happy.
I don't think I have been for years.
But until you came along no one has been honest enough or cared enough or had the guts to open my eyes.
I've got loads and loads of guts.
You do! You do! You have a way of popping up at pivotal moments and pointing me in the right direction.
That's what I do, see? I point.
- I'm a good pointer.
- Another bottle of red wine! And get my friend whatever he wants, too.
Jez.
Jez, I think they're closing.
Here! (Ben laughs) Will that keep you open? (Jeremy chuckles) God! Life is not about teeth.
It's about me and I am so tired of being a sellout to third-rate floss companies.
Well, the turn is worming.
(Snorts) Watch this.
What are you? Oh, Jez.
Jez? What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Shush.
Shush.
Ah, you're there! Great.
Right, right.
It's Jeremy here.
You know, the man you've been exploiting all these years.
You are nothing but a disgusting and Horrible.
horrible remnant of a life I no longer wish to live.
I, I am sick of you clinging Like a barnacle.
like a barnacle, thank you, to my hard-earned success.
I want our pathetic little arrangement to end immediately! (Chuckles) Well Damn, Jez, I mean, who needs a dental floss company anyway? No! That was my wife.
Ben, I feel so alive! - I'm going to do it again.
- No, Jez I'm going to phone my publisher and tell him to shove his book deal and then No, I'm going to dump the floss people and Jez, just calm down a minute, mate.
Hey, whoa! Take a deep breath.
Are you sure you want to go this far this fast? Yes! To really appreciate what's important in my life.
I need to be as anonymous and as unsuccessful as you.
- (Coughs) very much.
What are you staring at? I've been drooling, haven't I? Susan, I've seen the sun rise over the mists of Mica Maca bay.
I've seen the Northern Lights sparkle above the Manitoba tundra.
I have seen the power Just get to the part about me.
They all pale in comparison to you.
When I look at you I'm whisked back 15 years.
Really? Next time that happens take me with you.
There's that giggle again.
Susan come with me.
Join me on my global adventures.
(Huskily) What do you say? (Sighs) I'm so torn.
You're so gorgeous and yet so handsome, too.
(Woman clears throat) Is bad time? Well, kind of.
Bad news.
Plane broken.
Ten more hours to fix.
So, what's the bad news? Thank you for letting me sleep on the couch.
- What happened last night? - (Laughs) What didn't happen? No, seriously.
What happened? What, you mean you don't remember? I remember making some phone calls.
- Who did I call? - Who didn't you call? - What did I say? - What didn't you say? - Would you please stop doing that? - I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.
Well Thank you for dinner, by the way.
Very nice.
Oh my God, they'll never speak to me again.
Jez I am so sorry.
I'm so - Stand up, Ben.
- OK, here I come.
OK.
OK.
You're going to hit me, aren't you? Hit you? I'm going to hug you! That was the greatest night of my life.
Look.
Look, look who I rang.
I rang my wife, my publisher - Who's this? - The Chinese takeaway.
That meal didn't fill me up last night.
- I'm free.
- Yep.
I'm going to start a new life.
Thank you for making this happen.
I am precisely where I want to be.
What, you mean here as in life, not here in my house? Ben, you are the midwife for my rebirth.
Well, I'm very very very honoured and slightly disturbed but er Y-You're not having second thoughts? No! No.
Why should I have second thoughts? You've destroyed all your personal and professional relationships, Jez.
You know, you've thrown away all your money, all the respect that you've taken I suppose you're right.
The important thing is you're not having second thoughts.
No, I'm not.
And at least I've got you here to support me.
About that and I don't want to appear insensitive, it's just that I've, erm I've got a job to go to, you see.
It's my (Susan) Dear Diary, I can't help but wonder what my life would be like with this wonderful man.
If I go with the doctor, a lifetime of romance awaits me.
If I stay with Ben, well Maybe I shouldn't dwell on that too much.
(Announcement) Attention! Flight 13 to London is now boarding.
Those travelling with children, the elderly or goats may do so now.
I know what I must do.
But I will cherish this diary until the day I die because it documents my encounter with an extraordinary man who has restored my faith in chivalry.
No, more than that.
He's restored my faith in humanity.
- Small problem.
- What now? Flight overbooked.
Only one ticket left.
One of you must wait till next plane.
- When will that be? - Not long.
Not sure.
Well I guess this is goodbye.
Yep.
I'll never forget you, Sharon.
It's Susan.
And I thought you were the pig.
Is that all you're doing tonight? This is me celebrating, Michael.
I am celebrating because, for all his success, Jeremy Livingstone is not as happy as me.
So, someone being worse off than you makes you feel better? Yes.
Ben! Ben! Stop bursting into this house, Roger! You don't actually live here.
There's a major crisis! Jeremy is on top of the surgery roof.
He's threatening to jump off.
Oh my God.
I don't believe this.
I really am so much happier than he is.
The only person he's willing to talk to is you! Come on! Come on! Please, I am the wrong person to talk to him.
- Why? - I just ordered a pizza.
Dad! You know, I can't talk a jumper off a roof on an emp ty sto - OK, fine.
Let's go, let's go.
- (Doorbell) Ooh, just in time.
Thank you.
Roger, pay the man.
(Ben over megaphone) Jeremy! Are you OK? Ben? Are you planning to jump from there? Because if you are I'll move my car.
Come up here, I want to talk to you! Or why don't you come down? You're going to have to go up there.
I'm not going up there.
The man's off his trolley.
It's not like he can hear me, is it? What bloody off switch? Uh-oh.
Jeremy! - You don't need that any more.
- Oh, sorry.
Erm, here.
Er Er Don't do anything, Jeremy, until I come over there.
Here I come.
I'm going to come over.
OK, just stay Whoa.
Whoa, that is so high.
That is so high.
Just have to stay there, Jez.
Stay there, I'm coming down.
- Is that a pizza? - That's (Helicopter overhead) No, thank you.
Well.
Always save it for later, you know, before you Er, never mind.
I'm frightened, Ben.
Ooh! Yeah.
Me too.
Phew, you know, looking down there my entire life flashed before my eyes.
- Let's both jump.
- No.
No, you've got too much to live for.
You've got a devoted wife and three beautiful children who love and respect you.
See, about that Jez, erm I've been thinking, see.
I mean, at that restaurant I might have overstated one or two things.
- Which things? - All of it.
I'm not with you.
Well, I wanted to impress you, you see, because I thought your life was better than mine.
Well, we don't have that problem any more, do we? No.
No! No! Jez! No, Jez! Jez! Calm down! Come on! You have so much to live for! - Oh, like what?! - Like you are an amazing dentist! Why do you think, Jez, I encouraged you to stay on at dental college? Because you were brilliant! That's why I cheated off you! You cheated off me?! Only for the main exams.
And all of the small ones.
Let me get this straight.
You You lied to me at dinner just because you were jealous? Yes.
And, you sat there and watched me dismantle my life, brick by brick, and you didn't say a word? Yes.
So, at every point in my life when I had a big decision to make and I turned to you for guidance, you lied to me? Oh, sorry, I thought that was rhetorical.
Yes, no, that's right.
- God! What am I doing up here? - Jez No, no, you tell me what am I doing up here? - Jez, I've just - (Muttering) Jez, you see, it's fine.
You see? You see? You don't want to jump any more.
No.
No, I want to push you off! No, please, Jez! Please, Jez! Jez! Calm down, Jez! That's a very well made roof, that.
Very well made.
- You destroyed my life - Jez! in one night and all because of your lies! - Please! Please! - Laziness! Please! Listen, listen.
Just listen to me for one minute.
You can kill me now or in five minutes' time but just listen to what I've got to say! Whoo! OK, what is it? Sorry? Agh! I I've thought of something! I've thought of something! Just stay.
You must now focus on the future.
Let's not dwell on the past, OK? That is not really very original.
I'm not really very smart.
You're just saying that to save your own skin! No, no, no, no.
Forget my motives! Look, Jez.
You are a brilliant dentist! - That's what you said before.
- This time I mean it! I've got no reason to lie to you now.
Except not getting thrown off a roof! There is that.
Come on, Jez! You're a genius! Yes! Yes, Jez.
Come on! You'll quickly get your reputation back.
You'll patch things up.
Come on, Jez.
We'll tell them, tell them that you were under the influence of alcohol and under the influence of a total git named Ben Harper.
All right.
Trust me, it's not the first time I've had to do that.
Please, Jez.
Please.
Come back, Jez.
I guess it It takes a lot to admit that.
And you're right, I have a lot to live for.
Jez, Jez, please, don't do that.
No, I've invested too much to throw it away now.
So, let's, let's go and talk somewhere er, lower.
- OK? - Sure.
Come on, let's get out of here.
(Yells) Jez! Jez! (Crashing thud) Not the best place to put a pizza, I suppose.
- How's everything going, Mr Harper? - Touch and go, Alfie.
Touch and go.
A lot of damage done but er You don't expect to get away lightly after a fall like that.
- What's the prognosis? - New bonnet, new windscreen.
Yes, but on the up side I got a new sun roof, you know.