RuPaul's Drag Race (2009) s09e08 Episode Script
RuPaul Roast.
1 - Previously on RuPaul's Drag Race - You'll be acting in 9021-Ho.
[cheering.]
- Grandrea Zuckerwoman will be played by Aja.
- I don't want to be Grandrea.
- If it's going to be that tense, I'll take Grandrea.
-Action.
-Action.
- No wonder I'm addicted to speed.
- I'm addicted to speed, too.
-No, you're not.
-No, you're not.
- We're all going to the same college.
We're gonna work together again.
- Nina Bo'nina Brown Carrington Colby.
- You weren't really selling the lines.
- Where are the cool people? -Aja.
-You were playing the bitch, and it felt kind of flat for me.
You basically handed Shea a moment to shine.
- Trinity Taylor, you're the winner of this week's challenge.
Nina Bo'nina Brown, shantay, you stay.
Aja, sashay away.
- Oh, that was a rough, rough one, honey.
-Whoo.
-Oh.
- I feel heartbroken.
Aja was my Brooklyn boo, and I'm really, really gonna miss her.
- "Love you guys.
XOXO, Aja.
" -Aw.
-Aw.
- Anybody got any Windex? - [laughs.]
The truth is, I'm thrilled to see the room thinning out because I know I'm the contender in this competition.
- Aren't y'all two neck and neck now? - Well, I have two wins and she has a win and then a partnered win.
-Ooh! -Ooh! - But also, weren't you in the bottom two? And I never even landed in the bottom three, bitch.
What's up? - Oh.
-Ouch.
-Oh! [all laugh.]
- I'm kind of jealous.
I want to win, too.
'Cause we're at the point now where if you haven't won at least one challenge, then why are you here? - Well, how do you feel being told that you're perfect? Again.
- They told you you're perfect? - One day, she'll run out of perfection.
- Yeah, we'd all like to be in the top, but the cookie doesn't always crumble that way.
- Thank you, JonBenet Ramsey.
[all laugh.]
- At this point, there's only two girls who have not won any challenges yet, Peppermint and Farrah.
That ain't a good thing.
- Hey, Farrah, thanks for looking like a drag queen today.
[all laugh.]
- Peppermint's for sure in trouble, and Farrah's days are for sure numbered.
Bye-bye, do not collect $200, no cab ride for you.
- Oh - The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race receives a one-year supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics and a cash prize of $100,000.
With extra special guest judges Fortune Feimster and Tamar Braxton.
- RuPaul's Drag Race - May the best woman - Best woman win - Hello, girls.
It's today.
- Good morning.
- It's a new day, which means a new challenge.
[laughs.]
- Hello, hello, hello.
-Oh! -Oh! - Ladies, I just came from the eye doctor, and she prescribed me these new reading glasses.
And her timing couldn't have been better because in the great tradition of Paris Is Burning, it's time for the reading challenge.
[all laugh.]
Because reading is what? -Fundamental.
-Fundamental.
- Thank you very much.
Sasha Velour, come on down.
- Whoo.
- The library is open, darling.
- Okay.
[clears throat.]
Alexis Michelle, Broadway's calling.
In this case, it's the one in Brooklyn where the whores work.
[all laugh.]
Shea Coulee, you remind me of my favorite movies.
Your fashion, Coming To America, and your smile, Jurassic Park.
[all laugh.]
- I'm so happy that we have on loan, from Madame Tussaud's RuPaul statue and Miss Trinity Taylor.
Nina Bo'nina Brown, your pads are so big, you bend down to pick something up off the street and the garbage man says, who left this raggedy couch here? Goodwill pickup is on Sundays.
[all laugh.]
- Farrah Moan, all those mens that buy you fancy designer shoes, they're not your boyfriends.
They're called johns, and they're your employers.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
Shea-Shea Coulee, you sure are a scene stealer.
I guess gnawing on set pieces explains those teeth.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
- That felt good.
-Valentina.
-Yeah.
- Your wardrobe sure does look expensive, but money can't buy talent.
-Ooh.
-Hey! - Farrah.
You really are the social media queen.
Too bad you can't get a filter for that personality.
-Oh! -Oh.
- Peppermint, you assassinated Cynthia in the lip sync, but did you have to practice on your wardrobe? - Ha-ha! - Nina Bo'nina Brown Jurassica Parker.
- Hey, sis.
- You've had some ups and downs in this competition, and I cannot wait to read it all in your biography: Fifty Shades of Ashy.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle, you're oh, so Broadway but you're also very broad.
Trinity Taylor, I once told you that you're so beautiful inside and out.
I lied, you ugly stripper.
[all laugh.]
Ladies, we're going to do an exercise.
Everybody raise your arms up to the sky.
And, Shea, this is for you.
One word: deodorant, bitch! [all laugh.]
Peppermint, you need one.
[all laugh.]
- I told y'all she's sneaky.
- Oh, my God, I hate doing this kind of stuff.
- I know.
- Sasha [all laugh.]
You and Ru have a lot in common.
He's bald, you bald.
He wear glasses, you wear glasses.
He's rich-- Never mind.
[all laugh.]
Alexis, you're like a BMW.
Body made wrong.
- Oh! - Valentina, you think you're Miss Venezuela, but you're more like Miss Quinceañera.
- Oh, man.
- Alexis Michelle, Pillsbury called.
They want their rolls back.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
- Okay, that's all I got.
- Thank you, Farrah Moan.
-Farrah.
-I can't do that.
- Oh, you did.
- The library is officially closed.
Now, you're all avid readers, but one of you is the head librarian.
Valentina.
- Oh, you did it! - You've won a four-night stay for you and a guest at the Saguaro Palm Springs.
- Oh, I love Palm Springs.
- Now, reading one another do take nerve, but you need titanium balls and tits to read a legendary queen.
So for this week's maxi challenge, we're bringing back The RuPaul Roast.
-Oh.
-Oh.
- #RuPaulRoast.
But this time, our guest of dishonor won't be me.
The person you'll be roasting is Michelle Visage.
[all cheer.]
And get this.
She has no idea.
-[gasps.]
-Oh, my God.
- Now, Valentina, since you won the reading challenge, you'll decide the order of the presenters.
And a word of warning, ladies.
Michelle never forgets.
[evil laugh.]
So don't fuck it up.
[applause.]
- Whoo! - Here we go, y'all.
- What are you thinking, Valentina? - Do you know what order you want to go in? - I want to go just somewhere in the middle.
- Valentina, I know that, like, first and last are like the hardest positions, and I don't mind either one of them.
- Okay.
So going first, it's going to be Shea.
- All right.
- Second is going to be Sasha.
- Okay.
- Third is going to be the one and only me.
Going fourth, Trinity.
Fifth, Farrah.
Sixth, Peppermint.
Seventh, Nina Bo'nina Brown.
And closing our show is Alexis.
- Time for us to start writing jokes.
Be clever.
That's the goal.
- Here's a tip.
Don't make it about my body.
- Oh, my Lord.
- I was surprised.
You guys came from-- anything to do with my size.
I just, like, would have preferred not to do with body image.
So that's all I have to say about that.
- People, we can't be sensitive.
It's a comedy challenge.
- Girl, get over it.
You knew people were going to read you.
You made fun of other people.
Calm down.
You're a drag queen, honey.
- I'm sorry about my joke.
- I don't want you to feel that I think it's okay to make you feel that way.
- I feel like right now, Alexis is in her head, and I'm concerned that she's not going to take it far enough.
And for a roast to be good, you gotta go all the way.
- Coming up - Everybody's nervous.
-Oh.
-Oh.
No digo nada.
- Bye, bitch.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- We have to do a roast of Michelle Visage.
Oh, my fucking God.
Everybody's nervous.
- Aja, you might have got lucky getting out of here.
- I am frozen, and I'm not even talking about my face.
- So I have my pen in one hand and I have my hand on a piece of paper, and I just think.
And nothing.
Oh Virgen de Gaudalupe, por favor, ayúdame en este momento porque no digo nada.
- Girl, Guadalupe ain't gonna write these jokes for you.
You gotta do it for your own self, girl.
So get to work.
- [whimpers.]
- Hello.
-Hi! -Hello.
- Hi.
- I brought Ross to help you with your material.
- This is my first time ever in the workroom.
Do you know that? - You're kidding.
Oh, my goodness, well, welcome.
- It's just like I pictured it.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle.
-Hi, gentlemen.
-Hi.
- Now, a little birdie told me that you were a little miffed off by the reading challenge.
- I just thought some of my sisters could have come up with more original material.
- Oh.
You were more disappointed than miffed.
- No, the truth is, Ru, body image has been something I've struggled with for a lot of my life.
And I have talked with my sisters and they know what I've struggled with.
That's why it was a little bit, um, hurtful.
- So you feel like it's okay for you to make fun of someone else, but not someone else to make fun of you.
- Um, look, I will try, you know, whenever I come for anybody on that runway, to make sure that we're all laughing together.
- Right.
But that's the thing about comedy.
You know, a lot of times, especially people who've been through hell and high water with an issue, the only way to get through it is to friggin' laugh at it.
- Laugh at it, that's true.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause look, you survived.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever done comedy before? - I have.
Actually, at my weekly show, I spend a lot of time on the mic.
- And you're actually going last in the lineup.
How do you feel about that? - I honestly was ready to open her and set the tone or close her out and, uh, let them eat cake.
- Okay.
All right.
- Well, listen, you have experience in this.
A lot of the other girls don't.
And because you do, we're going to need you to bring it extra.
- All right.
We'll see you out there.
Make us laugh.
See you.
- Bye.
-Hey, Farrah Moan.
-Oh, hi.
- Now, you did the reading earlier.
How'd that go for you? - Honestly, I really didn't like doing it.
You know, I did go for a low blow with Alexis Michelle and it did not feel good.
- Now, are you more worried about what other people will think of you? - I just am more worried about staying true to my integrity and not hurting anyone.
- You're 12.
What kind of integrity do you have? - [laughs.]
I get it.
I would go on Chelsea Lately all the time, and that show was really about tearing down Hollywood.
And my nature is to be nice, so I'd be the one in the corner going, but I like Jessica Simpson, you know, trying to - Oh - But it can be done.
Lube her up a little bit.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? I love you, Michelle, but - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- I'm the biggest fan of Michelle Visage, but - Yeah, exactly.
- Then it's not as mean.
-Totally.
-Except it's totally mean.
- Yeah, right.
Now, you haven't won any challenges.
- I know.
- Because at this point in the competition, if you haven't won any challenges, you may wind up in the bottom.
- Oh, don't say that, Ru.
-You gotta come for it.
-Okay? - All right, make us laugh.
- Yeah.
-By-eee.
-By-eee.
[laughs.]
Hey, Pep-Pep-Peppermint.
- Hey, yo, yo, Ru.
-Hi.
How are you? -Ross, hey, baby.
-Good to see you.
-Now, obviously, Michelle is the target of this roast.
Does this scare you? Does this excite you? - It scares the shit out of me.
- Tell me about it.
- I've never roasted anyone before.
- Are you a funny queen? - I think so.
I mean, I think people will laugh.
- I think you are, but so far in this competition, you've had some trouble getting out of the gate, so to speak.
- I feel like it's more like crossing the finish line.
- Okay, all right.
- Ding, ding, dong.
Are you hungry for a win? - I'm starving, and this is the time.
- Well, that's up to you.
All right, thanks, Peppermint.
Sasha Velour.
- Hi, guys.
- Now, you're very smart.
You're intellectual.
How are you going to pull off a gutter roast? - I feel like my worries about not being funny have been getting in my way.
- Are you funny in life? - That's the big question.
I make people laugh, but in my shows, my edge is that it's serious and analytical and has a bit of philosophy and politics.
- You gotta use what you got.
Maybe you can use this sort of intellectual thing to make fun of yourself and then go after Michelle.
You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, how's the joke writing coming along? - I'm having some writer's block with this one.
- Well, time's running out.
-I know.
-Have you written any jokes? - I've written the words "mutton dressed as lamb.
" [all laugh.]
Which could apply to a lot of people.
- Yeah.
- This is going to be very interesting.
- Just make sure you make us laugh.
- Absolutely.
- And don't forget, please, make us laugh.
[all laugh.]
-See you.
-See you.
- All right, listen up, pretty girls.
Roast them good, ladies.
-Mm-hmm.
-[laughs.]
Let's go, Ross.
- Okay, bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
- Whoo! - So mutton is old sheep.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- And lamb is baby sheep.
But also people use it to describe when someone who is old is dressing to appear younger.
- Okay.
Mm-mm.
[both laugh.]
Bye, bitch.
[laughs.]
- Coming up We challenged our queens to perform in the second RuPaul Roast, but our guest of honor isn't going to be me.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- This week's maxi challenge is the RuPaul Roast and this time, we'll be roasting Michelle Visage.
-Farrah? -Yes.
- I'm sorry I insinuated you were a prostitute.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
I'm sorry I made fun of your rolls, and I'm sorry for bringing it up now.
[all laugh.]
- I'm sure that your johns are really lovely people.
- Oh.
-Whoo! -Whoo! - Okay, girl.
[all laugh.]
- There's moments, you guys, where, like, there's a joke said and then everybody laughs and I look around and just start, like, laughing to blend in.
[all laugh.]
- That was my experience.
When I first lived in Russia, humor in another language is so challenging.
- How long did you live there? - I lived there for, like, two and a half years altogether.
- Oh, my God.
I got stuck in Moscow.
I was presenting female and my ID does not match.
And I was in Moscow airport for a connection, I think, like 30 minutes.
This was eight months ago.
- Oh, my God.
- And so we land and we're supposed to go to the little transfer desk or whatever.
And the woman, she didn't speak any English, and she just kept looking at my ID and looking at me.
And it was clear that she was disagreeing with the fact that my ID looked male and I looked female.
Okay, so that's what it was.
So she detained me.
- Oh, my.
That's really terrifying.
- I was terrified to the point where I had to snatch my own wig off my head in the line with all these people.
- Oh, my God.
- Just to prove to her that I'm this is me and please let me go in.
It was so humiliating.
- That's really a tragedy.
There's a lot of gender fear in Russia.
-Yeah.
-I feel for her.
When I was living in Russia, I had to disguise myself.
I couldn't be Sasha Velour.
I had to think carefully about what clothes I was wearing, how I moved my body.
Queer people in Russia are living in an oppressive system.
- I just have to keep in mind that it doesn't take away my womanhood.
-Amen.
-A-woman.
[all laugh.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Covergirl, put the bass in your walk Head to toe, let your whole body talk And what? - Welcome to the main stage of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Michelle Visage, it's roasting time.
Hope you brought a pig.
- I sure did.
[snort snort.]
- From Hollywood Today Live, the hilarious Ross Mathews.
Are you ready to be read, for filth? - Good thing I brought my sani-wipes.
- Eew.
[all laugh.]
Writer, actress, comedienne Fortune Feimster.
I hope you have a thick skin.
- Yeah, and I'm extra crispy.
[all laugh.]
- And Drag Race favorite of alltime.
com, Tamar Braxton.
Hey, girl.
- Hi, darling.
- [laughs.]
This week, we challenged our queens to perform in the second ever RuPaul Roast.
But this time, our guest of honor isn't going to be me.
I've challenged our queens to roast Michelle Visage.
-Oh.
-What? - Surprise! - No.
Bitch.
- It takes one to know one.
[all laugh.]
With cool cocktails provided by Micky's West Hollywood, let's get this Michelle roast started.
Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win.
Coming up - It's me, Mother Maybelline Nina Bo'nina Banana Fofana Osama bin Laden Brown's great aunt.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Welcome to the second annual RuPaul's Roast.
This year, we are really switching things up.
Instead of RuPaul, we are going to roast a man of true charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent.
[Michelle laughs.]
Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so it's going to be Michelle Visage.
Michelle, we know you for being a kind, patient she-ro.
And gonorrhea clinics know you as Patient Zero.
[all laugh.]
Girl, you have had more shit in you than a urinal at Dodger Stadium.
The only difference is they get cleaned up after a grand slam.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, just remember, if you liked my performance, my name is Shea Coulee.
And if you hated it, it's Nina Bo'nina Brown.
[all laugh.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, Shea Coulee.
That was extremely edifying humor.
Uh, sorry, am I using that word correctly? Not edifying.
I know that one.
It was humor that I wasn't sure worked in this context.
Tonight, we really do have an opportunity to salute empowering representation in the media.
We have an out and proud lesbian comedian.
Thank you so much, Ross Mathews.
[all laugh.]
Ross Mathews has the face of a young gay man and the voice of an adult woman.
So the opposite of Tamar Braxton.
[all laugh.]
- Bitch.
I'm gonna get yo ass.
- It's now come time to talk about Michelle Visage herself.
Michelle is so Jersey, her idea of classical music is Lisa Lisa.
- Hey! - Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she calls her pubic hair the Garden State Expressway.
And let's not even get started on the Holland Tunnel.
- Whoo.
Michelle Visage is-- I have more of these.
Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she wanted to call her second child White Flight.
Oh, well.
That one worked in my mind.
And now, a queen who combines all the excitement of smiling with the thrill of just standing there.
[all laugh.]
Give it up for Valentina.
[cheers and applause.]
- Mama RuPaul, you are the shadiest queen because you let Michelle Visage look so busted on Season 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8.
[all laugh.]
And girl, that's your friend.
That's fucked up.
Michelle is such a cochina that she knows how to say and spell "harder" in six different languages.
Michelle, you is such a tired-ass ho that when you got carpal tunnel from giving out free hand job, she just became left-handed.
- I'm so confused.
- Ross, you're just so cute and so sweet.
You just remind me of a cute hamster.
I just want to shove you up my butt.
Boo! - [exaggerated drawl.]
Thank you, Paydro, mo-wee bee-in.
(muy bien) Please excuse the way I'm dressed.
I have to go feed the chickens after this, and I didn't want to wear my good things.
I sometimes even have to wrestle a few of them.
Michelle, you know all about wrestling cocks, don't you? I think we have a lot in common, from the same tastes in hairspray to the same units of Botox fillers, lips, tucks, nips and hips.
Michelle, every time I walk the runway, you have this pungent look on your face, kind of like you got to shit.
I reckon they have some laxatives for that.
Just a secret.
We all poop.
[applause.]
- Let's get this roast a-cookin'.
[clears throat.]
Can we please put our hands together for the one, the only Michelle Visage's breasts? They're the real star of the show.
Sorry, RuPaul.
Hmm.
I find it hilarious that Michelle Visage judges a talent competition.
I don't know about you, but don't you actually have to have talent to do that? Ha.
And I'm pretty sure having one song in the nineties that no one even remembers doesn't qualify you to be a judge on such a big TV show.
Good thing she's been sucking RuPaul's dick for so long.
-Oh.
-Whoo! - Oh, and we've got Tamar Braxton in the house.
Tay-mar Braxton.
However you say it.
She's Toni Braxton's less talented, more annoying sister.
[clears throat.]
Anyways, now that Michelle's dick breath has stunk up this entire stage, I'd like to introduce our next minty contestant, Peppermint.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hey, y'all.
Thank you, Farrah Moan.
[all laugh.]
Ross, everyone says that your voice is annoying and high-pitched, but I actually love the sound of your voice right now.
- [laughs.]
- Shh! Don't talk, don't talk.
Michelle Visage, Michelle, Michelle.
Not since Destiny's Child has a Michelle become so famous for riding somebody else's coattails.
[all laugh.]
RuPaul, all smiles, Ross, all smiles, Michelle, poker face.
No, seriously.
Someone poke her face.
It doesn't even move.
Michelle says no to everything.
Michelle, you like my dress? No.
You like my makeup? No.
Bitch, where the hell were you when somebody asked you if you wanted to write that book? [all laugh.]
It's a great book, Michelle.
Said no one.
[all laugh.]
Honestly, I fell in love with you, Michelle, watching you and RuPaul on VH1, and I'm so honored to share this moment with you, so thank you.
Happy 90th birthday, Michelle.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hey, babies.
It's me, Mother Maybelline Nina Bo'nina Banana Fofana Osama bin Laden Brown's great aunt.
Coming all the way from the lions, tigers and bears, and sheep of the Lord Missionary Baptist Church.
Praise the Lord.
Moving on to the man of the hour, RuPaul's secretary Michelle Visayge.
You know, Michelle, your face reminds me of my hip.
Stiff.
Oh, Jesus.
What's your name, baby? [laughter and groans.]
You are a whole lotta woman.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we normally save the best for last, but in this case, we had to settle for Alexis Michelle.
[applause.]
- Oh, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.
In honor of your big night, I wore your favorite color, girl.
[laughs.]
Um We have so much in common, Michelle.
We have the theater running in our veins, Michelle.
You also have several venereal diseases running through yours, but that's besides the point.
[laughs.]
But, you know, you're also an inspiration to me, Michelle.
As thin as you have become, one area has stayed the same, unchanged.
It's a Hanukkah miracle, Baruch HaShem.
Oh, my goodness, Fortune.
You also know about playing second fiddle.
You've been playing bullshit to Chelsea Handler's alcoholic WASP for ages now.
Now, Michelle, I have to congratulate you on really being able to take the piss.
Just ask the UK men's water polo team.
- Okay.
- She loves water sports.
She loves the UK.
And we love you, mama.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been real.
Good night, everybody.
[scattered applause.]
- This is not a happy ending.
- And it don't help that you look like She Hulk.
- Coming up - The jokes, they seemed more like observations.
- You just looked like you were going to throw up.
- This is a roast.
You go hard or go home.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Welcome, ladies.
I've made some decisions.
Nina Bo'nina Brown Earl Jones.
Valentina.
You ladies are safe.
You may leave the stage.
Now it's time for the judges' critiques.
Let's start with Shea Coulee.
- I know a thing or two about being somebody's opening act.
- Yeah.
- And, you know, you just set the tone, you know, to be funny, to be original.
- And your jokes were really funny.
I'm probably gonna steal them and put them in my next special.
- Have them.
- Thank you.
You did a great job.
- Thank you.
- Next up, Sasha Velour.
- When you started the roast, I think you were way too smart for the room.
But the minute you started laying into me, it was friggin' genius.
- You have a very specific POV.
You know, what does a roast look like through Sasha's eyes? And I think you gave us that tonight.
- Trinity Taylor.
- What I liked was that you had a character.
- Mo-wee bee-in.
- But everything else didn't work for me.
- You didn't have the jokes.
- I think even before you got up there, you just looked like you were gonna throw up, and you still kind of have that look.
- It's the Botox, I promise.
- Oh, okay.
See, that's funny.
And, like, I would have liked to have seen you sort of trust yourself more.
- Up next, Farrah Moan.
- Farrah, nothing landed, honey.
If you're gonna be harsh, it has to land.
And I think everything that came out of your mouth was harsh.
That's not a bad thing.
It's a roast.
But you gotta follow it up with a punch line.
People have to laugh.
- Yeah, I fucked up.
- I wouldn't call it fucked up, but-- - I would call it fucked up.
- Okay.
- Because we identified the problem in the workroom.
You said being mean is not my nature.
But if you don't like to say that person sucks, you can say, I love Michelle so much, I was dying to meet her.
And she was exactly like I'd hoped she'd be, horrible in every way.
It would have been a POV that none of the other girls had.
- All right, up next, Pep-Pep-Peppermint.
- So by the time you came up, I was hungry for just a good piece of roast, and you served it.
- I was like Ross, just waiting for somebody to just come out there and bring the energy.
And you just killed it.
- And you look beautiful.
It just all works for me tonight.
- I would totally take you to prom.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle.
- My question the whole entire time is why is she green? - Well, Tamar, have you ever watched the show? - But going green like you did, I expected like a Broadway thing 'cause you look like Elphaba.
And then, like, this Jersey accent comes out.
- She likes water sports.
- I was like, I don't know what to do with these two things.
- I literally forgot there was an audience here.
That's how silent they were.
- And the jokes, they seemed more like observations.
-You were almost too soft.
-Yeah.
- It was like you were afraid of hurting us.
This is a roast.
You go hard or go home.
- Thank you, ladies.
While you untuck backstage, the judges and I will deliberate.
[car engine starts.]
All right, now just between us squirrel friends, what do you think? Shea Coulee.
- I thought she set a great tone.
She didn't shy away from her jokes.
I was a fan.
- But on the runway, is it the most creative look we've ever seen? - Sasha Velour.
- I was panicked for her.
Then she got this formula that she just inserted the jokes in and it worked.
- The way she was like analytical at first didn't bother me because it worked with her outfit, and she was funny on top of that.
You know, she was really smart about being smart.
- Yeah, it was a real breakthrough moment for her.
Trinity Taylor.
- The father, the son and the holy ghost.
-Yeah.
-We're not with Trinity.
-No.
-Not today.
- The jokes just weren't strong enough.
-Yeah.
-It was road kill.
- [laughs.]
That's good eatin'.
- But the outfit was on point.
It was super cute.
I'm from North Carolina, so I felt like she fit right in with my white trash people.
- Farrah Moan.
- I thought she reminded me of Marilyn Monroe when she did the whole birthday thing for JFK.
And I thought she was gonna come up and do her whole character [breathy.]
like this and it would've been funny.
But what it came across as a really nervous kid who came to tell people off in a harsh way.
- You know, it hit me.
She would be perfect at doing Elvira.
She's got the same sort of vocal cadence.
- You know, the fact that everybody's like, oh, you look like this, you look like this means probably who she really is isn't coming through.
- I think Fortune brought up such a good point.
She doesn't know who she is.
- At all.
- She knows she's a cute girl and can wear pretty clothes.
- Yeah.
- But there's nothing more than that yet.
- All right.
So let's move on to Peppermint.
Tonight she was really funny.
- Not only was she funny, but she looked probably the best we've ever seen her.
She was literally a smiling assassin.
- Really, seriously.
From the hair, the makeup, the gown, to the funny jokes, I really, really enjoyed her.
Like, she was really the highlight of the evening to me.
- Alexis Michelle, the Green Mile.
[all laugh.]
- For to come out here with her whole body green, I was just trying to figure out, what? Who in the hell left the gate open? You know what I'm saying? Like, what we gonna get? - It was a long way to go for a one-word joke.
Michelle doesn't like green, so I painted my body-- except for my feet.
[all laugh.]
It just was misguided.
-Yeah.
-Confused.
I actually drew a picture, look, on my notes, of a bomb.
- Oh, my goodness.
- But we know what Alexis can do because she has delivered in the Snatch Game, as Kris Jenner.
- But she chose this position to go last.
That's a big swing, and it was a big miss.
- Silence.
I've made my decision.
Bring back my girls.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Welcome back, ladies.
I've made some decisions.
Shea Coulee, you're safe.
You may join the other girls.
- Thank you.
- Sasha Velour, you're smarty, arty, and tonight, you turned the party.
Peppermint, we finally got a taste of the real Peppermint, and we loved it.
Peppermint, con-drag-ulations.
You're the winner of this week's challenge.
[applause.]
- Aah! - You've won a five-year membership with Squarespace, which includes a consultation with their design team for your own personal website and online shop.
- Thank you.
- And Sasha Velour, you're safe.
The two of you may join the other girls.
[applause.]
Trinity Taylor, your barnyard humor did not make us go, hey, girl, hey.
Farrah, tonight you made us moan, but for all the wrong reasons.
Alexis Michelle, tonight you proved it's not easy being green, and comedy is even harder.
Trinity Taylor You're safe.
- [sighs.]
- You may join the other girls.
- [whispers.]
Thank you.
- Farrah Moan, Alexis Michelle, I'm sorry, my dears, but you are up for elimination.
- My heart is racing.
Getting to Drag Race has been an eight-year-long journey, and feeling like this might be the end of that journey is devastating.
- Two queens stand before me.
Ladies, this is your last chance to impress me and save yourself from elimination.
The time has come [thunder.]
to lip sync [echoing.]
for your life.
- I just have to take a deep breath and focus, because this is it.
- Good luck, and don't fuck it up.
[music plays.]
- You look at me that way I know what your eyes say Your eyes reflect love and desire I see that you need me I need you to please me You touch me and set me on fire I cannot resist you Each time I kiss you Then everything goes up in flames Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning body and soul Hot as a pistol of flaming desire Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning body and soul Hot as a pistol of flaming desire Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire [applause.]
- Whoo! - Ladies, I've made my decision.
Alexis Michelle, shantay, you stay.
You may join the other girls.
- Thank you.
- Farrah Moan, you're a beautiful queen with a big future.
Shine on, showgirl.
Now sashay away.
- Thank you guys so much.
[applause.]
I am so proud of myself for never letting go of my dream, but I've got a lot more to learn.
It's been nice, L.
A.
, but now it's time for me to go cook in Vegas.
Oh.
- My queens, con-drag-ulations.
And remember, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here? -Amen! -All right.
Now let the music play.
- Hey, kitty girl It's your world Hey, kitty, kitty girl Whoa-oh-oh
[cheering.]
- Grandrea Zuckerwoman will be played by Aja.
- I don't want to be Grandrea.
- If it's going to be that tense, I'll take Grandrea.
-Action.
-Action.
- No wonder I'm addicted to speed.
- I'm addicted to speed, too.
-No, you're not.
-No, you're not.
- We're all going to the same college.
We're gonna work together again.
- Nina Bo'nina Brown Carrington Colby.
- You weren't really selling the lines.
- Where are the cool people? -Aja.
-You were playing the bitch, and it felt kind of flat for me.
You basically handed Shea a moment to shine.
- Trinity Taylor, you're the winner of this week's challenge.
Nina Bo'nina Brown, shantay, you stay.
Aja, sashay away.
- Oh, that was a rough, rough one, honey.
-Whoo.
-Oh.
- I feel heartbroken.
Aja was my Brooklyn boo, and I'm really, really gonna miss her.
- "Love you guys.
XOXO, Aja.
" -Aw.
-Aw.
- Anybody got any Windex? - [laughs.]
The truth is, I'm thrilled to see the room thinning out because I know I'm the contender in this competition.
- Aren't y'all two neck and neck now? - Well, I have two wins and she has a win and then a partnered win.
-Ooh! -Ooh! - But also, weren't you in the bottom two? And I never even landed in the bottom three, bitch.
What's up? - Oh.
-Ouch.
-Oh! [all laugh.]
- I'm kind of jealous.
I want to win, too.
'Cause we're at the point now where if you haven't won at least one challenge, then why are you here? - Well, how do you feel being told that you're perfect? Again.
- They told you you're perfect? - One day, she'll run out of perfection.
- Yeah, we'd all like to be in the top, but the cookie doesn't always crumble that way.
- Thank you, JonBenet Ramsey.
[all laugh.]
- At this point, there's only two girls who have not won any challenges yet, Peppermint and Farrah.
That ain't a good thing.
- Hey, Farrah, thanks for looking like a drag queen today.
[all laugh.]
- Peppermint's for sure in trouble, and Farrah's days are for sure numbered.
Bye-bye, do not collect $200, no cab ride for you.
- Oh - The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race receives a one-year supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics and a cash prize of $100,000.
With extra special guest judges Fortune Feimster and Tamar Braxton.
- RuPaul's Drag Race - May the best woman - Best woman win - Hello, girls.
It's today.
- Good morning.
- It's a new day, which means a new challenge.
[laughs.]
- Hello, hello, hello.
-Oh! -Oh! - Ladies, I just came from the eye doctor, and she prescribed me these new reading glasses.
And her timing couldn't have been better because in the great tradition of Paris Is Burning, it's time for the reading challenge.
[all laugh.]
Because reading is what? -Fundamental.
-Fundamental.
- Thank you very much.
Sasha Velour, come on down.
- Whoo.
- The library is open, darling.
- Okay.
[clears throat.]
Alexis Michelle, Broadway's calling.
In this case, it's the one in Brooklyn where the whores work.
[all laugh.]
Shea Coulee, you remind me of my favorite movies.
Your fashion, Coming To America, and your smile, Jurassic Park.
[all laugh.]
- I'm so happy that we have on loan, from Madame Tussaud's RuPaul statue and Miss Trinity Taylor.
Nina Bo'nina Brown, your pads are so big, you bend down to pick something up off the street and the garbage man says, who left this raggedy couch here? Goodwill pickup is on Sundays.
[all laugh.]
- Farrah Moan, all those mens that buy you fancy designer shoes, they're not your boyfriends.
They're called johns, and they're your employers.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
Shea-Shea Coulee, you sure are a scene stealer.
I guess gnawing on set pieces explains those teeth.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
- That felt good.
-Valentina.
-Yeah.
- Your wardrobe sure does look expensive, but money can't buy talent.
-Ooh.
-Hey! - Farrah.
You really are the social media queen.
Too bad you can't get a filter for that personality.
-Oh! -Oh.
- Peppermint, you assassinated Cynthia in the lip sync, but did you have to practice on your wardrobe? - Ha-ha! - Nina Bo'nina Brown Jurassica Parker.
- Hey, sis.
- You've had some ups and downs in this competition, and I cannot wait to read it all in your biography: Fifty Shades of Ashy.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle, you're oh, so Broadway but you're also very broad.
Trinity Taylor, I once told you that you're so beautiful inside and out.
I lied, you ugly stripper.
[all laugh.]
Ladies, we're going to do an exercise.
Everybody raise your arms up to the sky.
And, Shea, this is for you.
One word: deodorant, bitch! [all laugh.]
Peppermint, you need one.
[all laugh.]
- I told y'all she's sneaky.
- Oh, my God, I hate doing this kind of stuff.
- I know.
- Sasha [all laugh.]
You and Ru have a lot in common.
He's bald, you bald.
He wear glasses, you wear glasses.
He's rich-- Never mind.
[all laugh.]
Alexis, you're like a BMW.
Body made wrong.
- Oh! - Valentina, you think you're Miss Venezuela, but you're more like Miss Quinceañera.
- Oh, man.
- Alexis Michelle, Pillsbury called.
They want their rolls back.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
- Okay, that's all I got.
- Thank you, Farrah Moan.
-Farrah.
-I can't do that.
- Oh, you did.
- The library is officially closed.
Now, you're all avid readers, but one of you is the head librarian.
Valentina.
- Oh, you did it! - You've won a four-night stay for you and a guest at the Saguaro Palm Springs.
- Oh, I love Palm Springs.
- Now, reading one another do take nerve, but you need titanium balls and tits to read a legendary queen.
So for this week's maxi challenge, we're bringing back The RuPaul Roast.
-Oh.
-Oh.
- #RuPaulRoast.
But this time, our guest of dishonor won't be me.
The person you'll be roasting is Michelle Visage.
[all cheer.]
And get this.
She has no idea.
-[gasps.]
-Oh, my God.
- Now, Valentina, since you won the reading challenge, you'll decide the order of the presenters.
And a word of warning, ladies.
Michelle never forgets.
[evil laugh.]
So don't fuck it up.
[applause.]
- Whoo! - Here we go, y'all.
- What are you thinking, Valentina? - Do you know what order you want to go in? - I want to go just somewhere in the middle.
- Valentina, I know that, like, first and last are like the hardest positions, and I don't mind either one of them.
- Okay.
So going first, it's going to be Shea.
- All right.
- Second is going to be Sasha.
- Okay.
- Third is going to be the one and only me.
Going fourth, Trinity.
Fifth, Farrah.
Sixth, Peppermint.
Seventh, Nina Bo'nina Brown.
And closing our show is Alexis.
- Time for us to start writing jokes.
Be clever.
That's the goal.
- Here's a tip.
Don't make it about my body.
- Oh, my Lord.
- I was surprised.
You guys came from-- anything to do with my size.
I just, like, would have preferred not to do with body image.
So that's all I have to say about that.
- People, we can't be sensitive.
It's a comedy challenge.
- Girl, get over it.
You knew people were going to read you.
You made fun of other people.
Calm down.
You're a drag queen, honey.
- I'm sorry about my joke.
- I don't want you to feel that I think it's okay to make you feel that way.
- I feel like right now, Alexis is in her head, and I'm concerned that she's not going to take it far enough.
And for a roast to be good, you gotta go all the way.
- Coming up - Everybody's nervous.
-Oh.
-Oh.
No digo nada.
- Bye, bitch.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- We have to do a roast of Michelle Visage.
Oh, my fucking God.
Everybody's nervous.
- Aja, you might have got lucky getting out of here.
- I am frozen, and I'm not even talking about my face.
- So I have my pen in one hand and I have my hand on a piece of paper, and I just think.
And nothing.
Oh Virgen de Gaudalupe, por favor, ayúdame en este momento porque no digo nada.
- Girl, Guadalupe ain't gonna write these jokes for you.
You gotta do it for your own self, girl.
So get to work.
- [whimpers.]
- Hello.
-Hi! -Hello.
- Hi.
- I brought Ross to help you with your material.
- This is my first time ever in the workroom.
Do you know that? - You're kidding.
Oh, my goodness, well, welcome.
- It's just like I pictured it.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle.
-Hi, gentlemen.
-Hi.
- Now, a little birdie told me that you were a little miffed off by the reading challenge.
- I just thought some of my sisters could have come up with more original material.
- Oh.
You were more disappointed than miffed.
- No, the truth is, Ru, body image has been something I've struggled with for a lot of my life.
And I have talked with my sisters and they know what I've struggled with.
That's why it was a little bit, um, hurtful.
- So you feel like it's okay for you to make fun of someone else, but not someone else to make fun of you.
- Um, look, I will try, you know, whenever I come for anybody on that runway, to make sure that we're all laughing together.
- Right.
But that's the thing about comedy.
You know, a lot of times, especially people who've been through hell and high water with an issue, the only way to get through it is to friggin' laugh at it.
- Laugh at it, that's true.
- Mm-hmm.
'Cause look, you survived.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever done comedy before? - I have.
Actually, at my weekly show, I spend a lot of time on the mic.
- And you're actually going last in the lineup.
How do you feel about that? - I honestly was ready to open her and set the tone or close her out and, uh, let them eat cake.
- Okay.
All right.
- Well, listen, you have experience in this.
A lot of the other girls don't.
And because you do, we're going to need you to bring it extra.
- All right.
We'll see you out there.
Make us laugh.
See you.
- Bye.
-Hey, Farrah Moan.
-Oh, hi.
- Now, you did the reading earlier.
How'd that go for you? - Honestly, I really didn't like doing it.
You know, I did go for a low blow with Alexis Michelle and it did not feel good.
- Now, are you more worried about what other people will think of you? - I just am more worried about staying true to my integrity and not hurting anyone.
- You're 12.
What kind of integrity do you have? - [laughs.]
I get it.
I would go on Chelsea Lately all the time, and that show was really about tearing down Hollywood.
And my nature is to be nice, so I'd be the one in the corner going, but I like Jessica Simpson, you know, trying to - Oh - But it can be done.
Lube her up a little bit.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? I love you, Michelle, but - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- I'm the biggest fan of Michelle Visage, but - Yeah, exactly.
- Then it's not as mean.
-Totally.
-Except it's totally mean.
- Yeah, right.
Now, you haven't won any challenges.
- I know.
- Because at this point in the competition, if you haven't won any challenges, you may wind up in the bottom.
- Oh, don't say that, Ru.
-You gotta come for it.
-Okay? - All right, make us laugh.
- Yeah.
-By-eee.
-By-eee.
[laughs.]
Hey, Pep-Pep-Peppermint.
- Hey, yo, yo, Ru.
-Hi.
How are you? -Ross, hey, baby.
-Good to see you.
-Now, obviously, Michelle is the target of this roast.
Does this scare you? Does this excite you? - It scares the shit out of me.
- Tell me about it.
- I've never roasted anyone before.
- Are you a funny queen? - I think so.
I mean, I think people will laugh.
- I think you are, but so far in this competition, you've had some trouble getting out of the gate, so to speak.
- I feel like it's more like crossing the finish line.
- Okay, all right.
- Ding, ding, dong.
Are you hungry for a win? - I'm starving, and this is the time.
- Well, that's up to you.
All right, thanks, Peppermint.
Sasha Velour.
- Hi, guys.
- Now, you're very smart.
You're intellectual.
How are you going to pull off a gutter roast? - I feel like my worries about not being funny have been getting in my way.
- Are you funny in life? - That's the big question.
I make people laugh, but in my shows, my edge is that it's serious and analytical and has a bit of philosophy and politics.
- You gotta use what you got.
Maybe you can use this sort of intellectual thing to make fun of yourself and then go after Michelle.
You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, how's the joke writing coming along? - I'm having some writer's block with this one.
- Well, time's running out.
-I know.
-Have you written any jokes? - I've written the words "mutton dressed as lamb.
" [all laugh.]
Which could apply to a lot of people.
- Yeah.
- This is going to be very interesting.
- Just make sure you make us laugh.
- Absolutely.
- And don't forget, please, make us laugh.
[all laugh.]
-See you.
-See you.
- All right, listen up, pretty girls.
Roast them good, ladies.
-Mm-hmm.
-[laughs.]
Let's go, Ross.
- Okay, bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
- Whoo! - So mutton is old sheep.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- And lamb is baby sheep.
But also people use it to describe when someone who is old is dressing to appear younger.
- Okay.
Mm-mm.
[both laugh.]
Bye, bitch.
[laughs.]
- Coming up We challenged our queens to perform in the second RuPaul Roast, but our guest of honor isn't going to be me.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- This week's maxi challenge is the RuPaul Roast and this time, we'll be roasting Michelle Visage.
-Farrah? -Yes.
- I'm sorry I insinuated you were a prostitute.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
I'm sorry I made fun of your rolls, and I'm sorry for bringing it up now.
[all laugh.]
- I'm sure that your johns are really lovely people.
- Oh.
-Whoo! -Whoo! - Okay, girl.
[all laugh.]
- There's moments, you guys, where, like, there's a joke said and then everybody laughs and I look around and just start, like, laughing to blend in.
[all laugh.]
- That was my experience.
When I first lived in Russia, humor in another language is so challenging.
- How long did you live there? - I lived there for, like, two and a half years altogether.
- Oh, my God.
I got stuck in Moscow.
I was presenting female and my ID does not match.
And I was in Moscow airport for a connection, I think, like 30 minutes.
This was eight months ago.
- Oh, my God.
- And so we land and we're supposed to go to the little transfer desk or whatever.
And the woman, she didn't speak any English, and she just kept looking at my ID and looking at me.
And it was clear that she was disagreeing with the fact that my ID looked male and I looked female.
Okay, so that's what it was.
So she detained me.
- Oh, my.
That's really terrifying.
- I was terrified to the point where I had to snatch my own wig off my head in the line with all these people.
- Oh, my God.
- Just to prove to her that I'm this is me and please let me go in.
It was so humiliating.
- That's really a tragedy.
There's a lot of gender fear in Russia.
-Yeah.
-I feel for her.
When I was living in Russia, I had to disguise myself.
I couldn't be Sasha Velour.
I had to think carefully about what clothes I was wearing, how I moved my body.
Queer people in Russia are living in an oppressive system.
- I just have to keep in mind that it doesn't take away my womanhood.
-Amen.
-A-woman.
[all laugh.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Covergirl, put the bass in your walk Head to toe, let your whole body talk And what? - Welcome to the main stage of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Michelle Visage, it's roasting time.
Hope you brought a pig.
- I sure did.
[snort snort.]
- From Hollywood Today Live, the hilarious Ross Mathews.
Are you ready to be read, for filth? - Good thing I brought my sani-wipes.
- Eew.
[all laugh.]
Writer, actress, comedienne Fortune Feimster.
I hope you have a thick skin.
- Yeah, and I'm extra crispy.
[all laugh.]
- And Drag Race favorite of alltime.
com, Tamar Braxton.
Hey, girl.
- Hi, darling.
- [laughs.]
This week, we challenged our queens to perform in the second ever RuPaul Roast.
But this time, our guest of honor isn't going to be me.
I've challenged our queens to roast Michelle Visage.
-Oh.
-What? - Surprise! - No.
Bitch.
- It takes one to know one.
[all laugh.]
With cool cocktails provided by Micky's West Hollywood, let's get this Michelle roast started.
Gentlemen, start your engines, and may the best woman win.
Coming up - It's me, Mother Maybelline Nina Bo'nina Banana Fofana Osama bin Laden Brown's great aunt.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Welcome to the second annual RuPaul's Roast.
This year, we are really switching things up.
Instead of RuPaul, we are going to roast a man of true charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent.
[Michelle laughs.]
Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so it's going to be Michelle Visage.
Michelle, we know you for being a kind, patient she-ro.
And gonorrhea clinics know you as Patient Zero.
[all laugh.]
Girl, you have had more shit in you than a urinal at Dodger Stadium.
The only difference is they get cleaned up after a grand slam.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, just remember, if you liked my performance, my name is Shea Coulee.
And if you hated it, it's Nina Bo'nina Brown.
[all laugh.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, Shea Coulee.
That was extremely edifying humor.
Uh, sorry, am I using that word correctly? Not edifying.
I know that one.
It was humor that I wasn't sure worked in this context.
Tonight, we really do have an opportunity to salute empowering representation in the media.
We have an out and proud lesbian comedian.
Thank you so much, Ross Mathews.
[all laugh.]
Ross Mathews has the face of a young gay man and the voice of an adult woman.
So the opposite of Tamar Braxton.
[all laugh.]
- Bitch.
I'm gonna get yo ass.
- It's now come time to talk about Michelle Visage herself.
Michelle is so Jersey, her idea of classical music is Lisa Lisa.
- Hey! - Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she calls her pubic hair the Garden State Expressway.
And let's not even get started on the Holland Tunnel.
- Whoo.
Michelle Visage is-- I have more of these.
Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she wanted to call her second child White Flight.
Oh, well.
That one worked in my mind.
And now, a queen who combines all the excitement of smiling with the thrill of just standing there.
[all laugh.]
Give it up for Valentina.
[cheers and applause.]
- Mama RuPaul, you are the shadiest queen because you let Michelle Visage look so busted on Season 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8.
[all laugh.]
And girl, that's your friend.
That's fucked up.
Michelle is such a cochina that she knows how to say and spell "harder" in six different languages.
Michelle, you is such a tired-ass ho that when you got carpal tunnel from giving out free hand job, she just became left-handed.
- I'm so confused.
- Ross, you're just so cute and so sweet.
You just remind me of a cute hamster.
I just want to shove you up my butt.
Boo! - [exaggerated drawl.]
Thank you, Paydro, mo-wee bee-in.
(muy bien) Please excuse the way I'm dressed.
I have to go feed the chickens after this, and I didn't want to wear my good things.
I sometimes even have to wrestle a few of them.
Michelle, you know all about wrestling cocks, don't you? I think we have a lot in common, from the same tastes in hairspray to the same units of Botox fillers, lips, tucks, nips and hips.
Michelle, every time I walk the runway, you have this pungent look on your face, kind of like you got to shit.
I reckon they have some laxatives for that.
Just a secret.
We all poop.
[applause.]
- Let's get this roast a-cookin'.
[clears throat.]
Can we please put our hands together for the one, the only Michelle Visage's breasts? They're the real star of the show.
Sorry, RuPaul.
Hmm.
I find it hilarious that Michelle Visage judges a talent competition.
I don't know about you, but don't you actually have to have talent to do that? Ha.
And I'm pretty sure having one song in the nineties that no one even remembers doesn't qualify you to be a judge on such a big TV show.
Good thing she's been sucking RuPaul's dick for so long.
-Oh.
-Whoo! - Oh, and we've got Tamar Braxton in the house.
Tay-mar Braxton.
However you say it.
She's Toni Braxton's less talented, more annoying sister.
[clears throat.]
Anyways, now that Michelle's dick breath has stunk up this entire stage, I'd like to introduce our next minty contestant, Peppermint.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hey, y'all.
Thank you, Farrah Moan.
[all laugh.]
Ross, everyone says that your voice is annoying and high-pitched, but I actually love the sound of your voice right now.
- [laughs.]
- Shh! Don't talk, don't talk.
Michelle Visage, Michelle, Michelle.
Not since Destiny's Child has a Michelle become so famous for riding somebody else's coattails.
[all laugh.]
RuPaul, all smiles, Ross, all smiles, Michelle, poker face.
No, seriously.
Someone poke her face.
It doesn't even move.
Michelle says no to everything.
Michelle, you like my dress? No.
You like my makeup? No.
Bitch, where the hell were you when somebody asked you if you wanted to write that book? [all laugh.]
It's a great book, Michelle.
Said no one.
[all laugh.]
Honestly, I fell in love with you, Michelle, watching you and RuPaul on VH1, and I'm so honored to share this moment with you, so thank you.
Happy 90th birthday, Michelle.
[cheers and applause.]
- Hey, babies.
It's me, Mother Maybelline Nina Bo'nina Banana Fofana Osama bin Laden Brown's great aunt.
Coming all the way from the lions, tigers and bears, and sheep of the Lord Missionary Baptist Church.
Praise the Lord.
Moving on to the man of the hour, RuPaul's secretary Michelle Visayge.
You know, Michelle, your face reminds me of my hip.
Stiff.
Oh, Jesus.
What's your name, baby? [laughter and groans.]
You are a whole lotta woman.
Mm-hmm.
Well, we normally save the best for last, but in this case, we had to settle for Alexis Michelle.
[applause.]
- Oh, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.
In honor of your big night, I wore your favorite color, girl.
[laughs.]
Um We have so much in common, Michelle.
We have the theater running in our veins, Michelle.
You also have several venereal diseases running through yours, but that's besides the point.
[laughs.]
But, you know, you're also an inspiration to me, Michelle.
As thin as you have become, one area has stayed the same, unchanged.
It's a Hanukkah miracle, Baruch HaShem.
Oh, my goodness, Fortune.
You also know about playing second fiddle.
You've been playing bullshit to Chelsea Handler's alcoholic WASP for ages now.
Now, Michelle, I have to congratulate you on really being able to take the piss.
Just ask the UK men's water polo team.
- Okay.
- She loves water sports.
She loves the UK.
And we love you, mama.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
It's been real.
Good night, everybody.
[scattered applause.]
- This is not a happy ending.
- And it don't help that you look like She Hulk.
- Coming up - The jokes, they seemed more like observations.
- You just looked like you were going to throw up.
- This is a roast.
You go hard or go home.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Welcome, ladies.
I've made some decisions.
Nina Bo'nina Brown Earl Jones.
Valentina.
You ladies are safe.
You may leave the stage.
Now it's time for the judges' critiques.
Let's start with Shea Coulee.
- I know a thing or two about being somebody's opening act.
- Yeah.
- And, you know, you just set the tone, you know, to be funny, to be original.
- And your jokes were really funny.
I'm probably gonna steal them and put them in my next special.
- Have them.
- Thank you.
You did a great job.
- Thank you.
- Next up, Sasha Velour.
- When you started the roast, I think you were way too smart for the room.
But the minute you started laying into me, it was friggin' genius.
- You have a very specific POV.
You know, what does a roast look like through Sasha's eyes? And I think you gave us that tonight.
- Trinity Taylor.
- What I liked was that you had a character.
- Mo-wee bee-in.
- But everything else didn't work for me.
- You didn't have the jokes.
- I think even before you got up there, you just looked like you were gonna throw up, and you still kind of have that look.
- It's the Botox, I promise.
- Oh, okay.
See, that's funny.
And, like, I would have liked to have seen you sort of trust yourself more.
- Up next, Farrah Moan.
- Farrah, nothing landed, honey.
If you're gonna be harsh, it has to land.
And I think everything that came out of your mouth was harsh.
That's not a bad thing.
It's a roast.
But you gotta follow it up with a punch line.
People have to laugh.
- Yeah, I fucked up.
- I wouldn't call it fucked up, but-- - I would call it fucked up.
- Okay.
- Because we identified the problem in the workroom.
You said being mean is not my nature.
But if you don't like to say that person sucks, you can say, I love Michelle so much, I was dying to meet her.
And she was exactly like I'd hoped she'd be, horrible in every way.
It would have been a POV that none of the other girls had.
- All right, up next, Pep-Pep-Peppermint.
- So by the time you came up, I was hungry for just a good piece of roast, and you served it.
- I was like Ross, just waiting for somebody to just come out there and bring the energy.
And you just killed it.
- And you look beautiful.
It just all works for me tonight.
- I would totally take you to prom.
[all laugh.]
- Alexis Michelle.
- My question the whole entire time is why is she green? - Well, Tamar, have you ever watched the show? - But going green like you did, I expected like a Broadway thing 'cause you look like Elphaba.
And then, like, this Jersey accent comes out.
- She likes water sports.
- I was like, I don't know what to do with these two things.
- I literally forgot there was an audience here.
That's how silent they were.
- And the jokes, they seemed more like observations.
-You were almost too soft.
-Yeah.
- It was like you were afraid of hurting us.
This is a roast.
You go hard or go home.
- Thank you, ladies.
While you untuck backstage, the judges and I will deliberate.
[car engine starts.]
All right, now just between us squirrel friends, what do you think? Shea Coulee.
- I thought she set a great tone.
She didn't shy away from her jokes.
I was a fan.
- But on the runway, is it the most creative look we've ever seen? - Sasha Velour.
- I was panicked for her.
Then she got this formula that she just inserted the jokes in and it worked.
- The way she was like analytical at first didn't bother me because it worked with her outfit, and she was funny on top of that.
You know, she was really smart about being smart.
- Yeah, it was a real breakthrough moment for her.
Trinity Taylor.
- The father, the son and the holy ghost.
-Yeah.
-We're not with Trinity.
-No.
-Not today.
- The jokes just weren't strong enough.
-Yeah.
-It was road kill.
- [laughs.]
That's good eatin'.
- But the outfit was on point.
It was super cute.
I'm from North Carolina, so I felt like she fit right in with my white trash people.
- Farrah Moan.
- I thought she reminded me of Marilyn Monroe when she did the whole birthday thing for JFK.
And I thought she was gonna come up and do her whole character [breathy.]
like this and it would've been funny.
But what it came across as a really nervous kid who came to tell people off in a harsh way.
- You know, it hit me.
She would be perfect at doing Elvira.
She's got the same sort of vocal cadence.
- You know, the fact that everybody's like, oh, you look like this, you look like this means probably who she really is isn't coming through.
- I think Fortune brought up such a good point.
She doesn't know who she is.
- At all.
- She knows she's a cute girl and can wear pretty clothes.
- Yeah.
- But there's nothing more than that yet.
- All right.
So let's move on to Peppermint.
Tonight she was really funny.
- Not only was she funny, but she looked probably the best we've ever seen her.
She was literally a smiling assassin.
- Really, seriously.
From the hair, the makeup, the gown, to the funny jokes, I really, really enjoyed her.
Like, she was really the highlight of the evening to me.
- Alexis Michelle, the Green Mile.
[all laugh.]
- For to come out here with her whole body green, I was just trying to figure out, what? Who in the hell left the gate open? You know what I'm saying? Like, what we gonna get? - It was a long way to go for a one-word joke.
Michelle doesn't like green, so I painted my body-- except for my feet.
[all laugh.]
It just was misguided.
-Yeah.
-Confused.
I actually drew a picture, look, on my notes, of a bomb.
- Oh, my goodness.
- But we know what Alexis can do because she has delivered in the Snatch Game, as Kris Jenner.
- But she chose this position to go last.
That's a big swing, and it was a big miss.
- Silence.
I've made my decision.
Bring back my girls.
[RuPaul laughs, bell rings.]
[RuPaul laughs.]
- Welcome back, ladies.
I've made some decisions.
Shea Coulee, you're safe.
You may join the other girls.
- Thank you.
- Sasha Velour, you're smarty, arty, and tonight, you turned the party.
Peppermint, we finally got a taste of the real Peppermint, and we loved it.
Peppermint, con-drag-ulations.
You're the winner of this week's challenge.
[applause.]
- Aah! - You've won a five-year membership with Squarespace, which includes a consultation with their design team for your own personal website and online shop.
- Thank you.
- And Sasha Velour, you're safe.
The two of you may join the other girls.
[applause.]
Trinity Taylor, your barnyard humor did not make us go, hey, girl, hey.
Farrah, tonight you made us moan, but for all the wrong reasons.
Alexis Michelle, tonight you proved it's not easy being green, and comedy is even harder.
Trinity Taylor You're safe.
- [sighs.]
- You may join the other girls.
- [whispers.]
Thank you.
- Farrah Moan, Alexis Michelle, I'm sorry, my dears, but you are up for elimination.
- My heart is racing.
Getting to Drag Race has been an eight-year-long journey, and feeling like this might be the end of that journey is devastating.
- Two queens stand before me.
Ladies, this is your last chance to impress me and save yourself from elimination.
The time has come [thunder.]
to lip sync [echoing.]
for your life.
- I just have to take a deep breath and focus, because this is it.
- Good luck, and don't fuck it up.
[music plays.]
- You look at me that way I know what your eyes say Your eyes reflect love and desire I see that you need me I need you to please me You touch me and set me on fire I cannot resist you Each time I kiss you Then everything goes up in flames Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning body and soul Hot as a pistol of flaming desire Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning body and soul Hot as a pistol of flaming desire Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire Baby, I'm burning out of control Baby, I'm burning You got me on fire [applause.]
- Whoo! - Ladies, I've made my decision.
Alexis Michelle, shantay, you stay.
You may join the other girls.
- Thank you.
- Farrah Moan, you're a beautiful queen with a big future.
Shine on, showgirl.
Now sashay away.
- Thank you guys so much.
[applause.]
I am so proud of myself for never letting go of my dream, but I've got a lot more to learn.
It's been nice, L.
A.
, but now it's time for me to go cook in Vegas.
Oh.
- My queens, con-drag-ulations.
And remember, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here? -Amen! -All right.
Now let the music play.
- Hey, kitty girl It's your world Hey, kitty, kitty girl Whoa-oh-oh