Scrubs s09e08 Episode Script

Man, I never noticed what a beautiful smile you have.
- Thank you.
- That's probably just 'cause I'm mostly focused on how small your cans are.
Okay, this is why I don't like you talking during foreplay.
I didn't know we were about to get nasty.
Why do you think none of my horses are watching? I truly dig how nuts you are.
Oh, hey, can I borrow your laptop to do those endocrine system slides for our study group? - What's wrong with yours? - It's super-slow right now 'cause I'm downloading every Golden Girls episode.
Man, those old chicks are insane.
All right, there was this one episode While I was pretending to listen, I thought about how everyone at the hospital seems to be coupling up.
There was Drew and Denise.
They were still in their puppy-love stage.
Drew, if I wanted to be with a girl, I could.
Save all the emotional crap for your diary.
Then there was our dysfunctional mom and dad.
- How you holding up? - Fine.
- You? - All good.
There's no way in hell you're beating me at Hands on a Coma Patient.
- So, take your hands off.
Quit.
- I don't quit.
I don't quit more.
Oh, no, it's his grandson.
- What are you doing to my grandpa? - Nice try.
That's Dr.
Etten's kid.
Hey, you.
Next time try dialing down the acting a notch.
Less is more.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Fake grandson? That is some weak sauce.
Let me show you how the big boys play.
Todd.
- What the hell, Todd? - Well, I had no choice.
He found a picture of Adult Braces Todd.
I can't let that get out there.
Rock-and-a-hard-place-five.
And the winning streak continues! Yes, sir! Thank you for your help, Mr.
Sawyer.
As a token of my appreciation, I'm gonna come back later and smother you with a pillow.
Listen up, losers.
I'm tired of repeating the same procedure to you guys over and over.
I want two sugars, one cream, and only a splash, and I mean a splash, of hazelnut, okay? Now get out of here.
You are a wonderful teacher.
- I'm getting better, right? - Mmm-hmm.
Sorry we's late.
Well, not we.
We are not a we.
I mean, I know, yes, we're both late, but we're not, like, coming from the same place or anything, right, Cole? I'm gonna go crush a scone.
She told me you two were sleeping together.
Denise, that was girl talk.
You have broken a sacred bond between sisters.
Oh, no.
Now I'm not gonna get to wear the Traveling Pants this week.
Look, I know that you've got daddy-slash-food-slash-body-slash- confidence-slash-horse issues, but Cole? Really? He's only a booty call.
I just I can't stop.
It's like having a scab you know you're not supposed to pick at, but you just can't help it, 'cause you have to know what's under that pus-y, filled mess.
Call me crazy, but I think you kids might just make it.
You think? - No.
- No.
- That was fun.
- Torturing her? Yeah.
We should do more things like that, you know, as a couple.
Yeah, this makes sense.
I know I do not see you in my cart.
Oh, your cart was in the way, so she was just gonna move it for you.
You can't just touch a man's work equipment all willy-nilly.
Do you see me trying to perform a tracheotomy just because I did security for the TV show ER? He and Eriq La Salle still go to the same church.
You know, the last guy who mouthed off to me has to permanently sit down when he urinates.
Joke's on you.
I do that already.
Bottom line, touch the cart again and you're going down.
Don't know who she thinks she is.
It's the Captain's cart.
- This could be fun.
- Yeah.
I'm happy for us.
Now then, students, our next patient is suffering from a horrible disease known as Being-Dr.
-Cox's-Bitch-itis.
You may ask yourself, how does one catch such a disease? Well, you do so by losing a bet again and again and again and again.
And again and again, until eventually the disease renders you helpless to say only the following phrase.
Dr.
Coxy's hella foxy.
When I play, I play for keeps.
Bank on it.
Our presentation is at 7:00 a.
m.
Cole's supposed to do all the slides.
Lucy, where the hell is he? Why are you asking me? Maybe he's napping, maybe he's training to be a pastry chef.
I don't know what his dreams are, Drew.
This is why I skipped junior high.
I'm sick of Cole.
He's always running late.
And I'm tired of him asking me to hook him up with Russell Crowe.
Yeah, and he's always making light of my family for coming to this country on a boat.
Trang, your dad owns, like, eight Hometown Buffets.
Get over it.
- What up, nerds? - Cole, did you bring the slides? Oh, snap.
No, no.
Look.
I was just about to start, then my boy Boots called and he was all like, "Yo, Cole, it's Boots.
Let's go to SeaWorld.
" Dudes, I got to swim with a walrus! You know what, Cole? That's it.
You're out of study group.
What? Hey, are they actually pissed about this? Whoa! Even though Cole had been kicked out of the study group, he seemed to be doing okay.
Too much work.
And I might have to study on the weekend.
That ain't right.
Hey, ballpark peanuts? You know something I don't know? I know a minimum of nine million things you don't know.
Number 63, Art's back.
- Who's Art? - Who's Art? This is Art.
Hiya.
Art's been slinging peanuts at the ballpark for 40 years.
He is a concessionary legend.
You should all bow down.
I'm serious.
Bow down.
Now get out.
All right, who wants a key to a golf cart? It's right out front.
All juiced up, ready to go.
You can travel in style, like an old couple cruising the sad folks' home.
- Hey, how many keys did you make? - Mmm, just a couple.
Oh, nice.
How did they not see us stealing their cart? Frank, that cloud look like a cupcake.
And that one look like a chilidog.
Man, I hate being on a diet.
Look at that one.
It looks like a turkey leg.
- Oh, a big turkey leg.
- And a pie.
A lemon pie.
Lemon meringue pie.
I will take a key, thank you very much.
I would never willingly give you anything that was not some sort of fatal virus.
Whoa! Did you see that? I'm starting to get a vibe that Drew doesn't like me or something.
Oh, no.
That's how friends make jokes.
No, trust me, I'm great at reading people.
Hey, that's why you gotta ask him about letting me back in the study group.
Or we could let him come to us.
Then we'll be in a position of power.
You know, like, "Your move, Drew.
" No, come on, please.
He listens to you.
Hey, you're smart and nice and you smell like the beach.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah, and not like the kind of beach with dead fish and homeless dudes camping and that weird foamy stuff - Yeah, I got it.
- Yeah.
Look at you guys.
Chief of Medicine, Chief of Surgery.
It must be nice to have risen up with each other, huh? To work with someone that's got your back.
- There's not that much of that.
- Well, we get awfully busy with some of the doctoring around here.
I tell you what there, Art.
Before we do take a look at that shoulder, we've been having just a ton of good, clean fun with one thing in particular.
Dr.
Turk, do you have anything to add? I don't think it's particularly appropriate to discuss this in front of a patient.
Approprio maximus.
Dr.
Coxy's hella foxy.
I so am! I bought a candle to set the mood.
Work with me, it's all they had.
Hey.
What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group? - He said no.
- Really? Hey, did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian? - Are you? - I don't know, but I always tell people that.
Makes the white man feel guilty.
Damn, this sucks.
I'm dying on my own.
Yeah, and I'm sad for you, but we don't want to let this candle go to waste.
Oh, babe, I'm not in the mood.
A trick candle? I mean, who finds these funny? Do it again.
Do it.
Yeah.
Once we get the CT back on Arthur's rotator cuff, it's gonna show the best way for me to handle it is surgically.
You would say that, you slice-happy knife jockey.
Here's actually what's going to happen.
We're going to heal him through medication and PT.
Right, physical therapy.
The miracle of stretching.
It sure beats cutting Arthur open like he's a pig at a luau.
- Why do you always have to be right? - I don't have to.
I just am.
Let's handle this like men.
First one to Winston Hall gets to decide how we treat him.
You're on.
And go.
Oh, yeah! There she is.
You stole our cart.
Now come correct about what you've done.
Don't make me bring the thunder.
'Cause once it's been brought, it cannot be unbrought.
Do you think maybe your cart wasn't stolen? Maybe it just left on its own? What in the name of Larry Holmes are you talking about? We've seen the way you treat that cart.
There are patterns of abuse there.
- Yeah, I mean, the kicking, the insults.
- Skipping maintenance checks.
Don't forget where your bread's buttered, Frank.
Clearly, the cart is reacting to an injustice, trying to correct an imbalance in the universe.
- Cart-ma.
- That's the stupidest thing - I've ever heard.
- Is it? What the hell? You know, the "check engine" light's been on since May.
Just saying.
Whoo! Heads up, geezers! Oh, for God's sake! - I'm gonna win! - Oh, no, no, no! No! No! No! You know, it's almost gotten to the point where I don't enjoy beating you anymore.
That's not true.
I love it.
Right, fellas? Hey, guys, what's up? You out here scoping the ladies? I hear Rebecca B.
Has sex with multiple partners.
What? - That's how guys talk, right? - Not at all.
Actually, we were just talking about how you told Cole that I said he couldn't get back into study group, but you never asked me that.
- I didn't? - Nope.
And since the only thing I hate more than entitled little pukes who don't pull their own weight is when people put words in my mouth, - Cole, you're back in study group.
- Hells yeah, the boys are back.
Mmm.
By punishing her, I punish myself.
Such is life.
What the hell, Luce? Sometimes there are no words.
We quietly do what we can.
And hopefully no one comes along and says what we don't want to hear.
Whoa.
- Whose tumor is that? - Art's.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
- How're you holding up, Art? - I've been better.
Dr.
Cox tells me there's a surgical option.
I'm interested in that.
Okay.
Okay, just give me a second to talk to Dr.
Cox, all right? What are you doing? This surgery is risky for a patient half Arthur's age, and healthier.
Listen to me.
This could buy him some time.
If we don't do it, he's dead in six months.
It's worth a shot.
It's too risky.
I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm not doing it.
No.
I'm right and you're wrong, and you damn sure are doing it - because I am your boss.
- You're pulling rank on me? - I am.
Now, if you would please say it.
- No, I'm too pissed off! - Those aren't the rules.
- Dr.
Coxy's hella foxy.
Good effort.
Do well in surgery.
Okay, hopefully all that stuff with Cole and Drew has just blown over and we can all get back to normal.
Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.
If you want to be in this study group, you gotta show up on time, 'cause you're letting us all down.
Right, Drew? Dude, I'm just trying to learn about mucus.
Can we finally talk about the fact that you and Cole are sleeping together? Thank you, T-Bone, I would love to talk about that.
No, "T-Bone," I don't think study group is the proper place to be discussing who slept with who.
Trang slept with me.
Never called me back.
Stuff came up.
Crazy idea.
How about we just study in study group? No can do.
I gotta take a walk to clear my head, maybe grab a Fruit Roll-Up, I don't even know right now.
Drew, why would you tell everyone about me and Cole? There has never been anything in the entire world I care less about, except maybe this moment.
- And American Idol.
- Cole told us.
He's been bragging about it for a month.
- What? - We are never going to learn anything about medicine.
You okay? I just got your message.
I'm fine.
You said you were attacked.
Oh, yeah.
That was a lie.
Look at these two.
They're totally falling apart, turning on each other.
Okay, I think it's time to wrap this operation up.
I need you to go find out who has the cart.
- You said you were stabbed.
- How come you never get my jokes? - Now go.
Chop-chop.
- You said you were stabbed.
We're losing him.
Art, hang in there, buddy.
Start the neosynephrine drip.
Somebody call Cardiology.
Don't say anything.
Please.
I don't think I have to.
You'll beat yourself up.
Damn, girl, you can't just jump in front of golf carts.
- That's how gardeners die.
- Why are you such an ass? You think it's so cool just to brag to everybody about how you slept with me? Do you know how embarrassing that is? Oh, you know what's embarrassing? That you're ashamed to be with me.
Maybe I am.
Cole, you call my butt nicknames in public.
- What are you talking about? - Boomtown, Lenny and the Fart Zone.
Plus, you abbreviate everything.
Newsflash, PB&J is already abbreviated.
You don't need to call it Peebers and Jazz.
Oh, like you're so great? Okay, you're wishy-washy, you're obsessed with horses, and there's that weird role-play where you make me pretend I'm black.
Is this coming from Cole or Deshaun? Both.
Look, I know what people think of me, and I know I act like an ass sometimes, but I thought you saw through that.
Okay? And I didn't brag about sleeping with you to seem cool.
I did it because I'm proud that a girl like you would want to be with someone like me.
Boom! Out of here.
Yeah, you're done.
- Haven't found your cart yet, huh? - Nope.
The school assigned us scooters.
I don't have the core muscles to ride that bitch.
Well, maybe if you just apologize to the cart, it'll come back.
I'm not apologizing to no cart.
What would it hurt, Captain? The truth is out there.
Fine, Frank.
I'll apologize.
I'm sorry, cart.
I'm sorry I scuff you up, I'm sorry I take you for granted, but if you come back, I promise I'll treat you better.
Happy? Hallelujah! I'm gonna take these.
I feel a lot closer to you.
Me, too, but I need to keep this messing-with-people vibe going, so Hey, annoying girl.
My fault.
Too general.
Blondie.
Girl blondie.
Why do you look so sad? - It's this thing with me and Cole.
- Don't tell me, tell Drew.
- He's a great listener.
- Why? If you saw your face, you'd understand.
Have fun.
Drew, I'm really sorry I lied about the study group.
It's just this thing with Cole is messing with my head.
I know he's a tool, but then how come I feel so horrible? Because you're a needy, sad, crazy person who constantly makes bad decisions? Just my first thought.
I'm still working out the rest.
Lucy, can I ask you a few questions about your douchey boyfriend? Does he ever say sweet stuff to you? Man, I never noticed what a beautiful smile you have.
- Yeah, kind of.
- And when you guys hang out, is it fun? Does he make you laugh? Maybe.
Think about Cole right now.
How does it make you feel? - You're smiling.
- Oh, crap.
- I like him.
- Yes, you do.
You like him.
- You like him, you crazy white girl.
- But it's Cole.
And as sad as that may be for you, this hospital is so brutal that if you actually find someone that can help you get through it, you're lucky.
Because here, everyone needs someone to watch their back.
Right, Dr.
Turk? - Absolutely.
- Right.
- I don't like Cole.
- Yes, you do.
- Damn it.
- I feel for you.
Came to get your licks in, huh? I get it.
I damn sure deserve it.
- You may fire at will.
- Actually, I came to say thank you.
You showed a lot of stones in making that hard call for Art.
It was the right choice.
I was just scared to take it.
It cost him his life.
We stole six months from that guy.
You and I both know that he would have spent most of that time in this hospital, just waiting to die.
You pushed me to give him a chance.
You had my back on this one, and I want you to know that you can always count on me to have yours.
I appreciate you saying that.
Now I know exactly what it feels like to be in a Morgan Freeman movie.
Hey, come here.
To Art.
- Cole, can I talk to you? - Out in public like this? Don't be crazy.
There's people around.
Excuse me for a second, everybody.
I just have something I want to say.
This is Cole Aaronson, and yes, he's a bit of a jerk, and yes, he's probably screwed over every one of you, and yes, he loves Dane Cook, but none of that matters to me.
Because I know it just started out as a hook-up.
I've realized that I actually really like him.
And so, if it's cool with him, I'd like to introduce you all to my boyfriend.
Nice speech.
Nobody cares.
Some couples just work, no matter how odd a pairing they seem to be.
The common denominator is being there for each other.
Technically I was right about Arthur, so I'm gonna need you to give me what's mine.
- Let me hear it.
- Fine.
But it's just because I'm a man of honor.
Ladies and gentlemen, toot-toot tootie, Dr.
Turk's a cutie.
Yes, I am.
In the end, you just can't be afraid to move forward.
You're my number-one shorty, yo.
Yeah, that actually leads perfectly into what I wanted to talk to you about.
- All ears, boo.
- See, now that we're officially a couple, we're gonna have to start, well, changing you.
Okay, boo? Wait, what now? Man, this is so hard.
How am I supposed to remember all this? While you're my boyfriend, please refrain from using the following words and phrases.
Crushing "it," ghostriding the whip, hunting the big dawg, redonkulous, wrangle dangle, shtoops, the donk show, gittin' right, homeskillet, Broseph, Brosephine and sexting.
On the serious? There's another one.
Also, substituting your name for words that sort of sound like your name.
Stone Cole, Cole War, Pina Cole-lada You know what I'm saying.
Girl, I can't give this all up Cole turkey! Why don't we just call it a day and we'll start fresh in the morning? Sizzle.