8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e09 Episode Script
New Year Special
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown End of Year Special, Jon Richardson, Johnny Vegas, Richard Osman, Sara Pascoe, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmyyyyyy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown End of Year Special.
It's all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, this year, a petition was launched to remove the term Essex girl from the dictionary? I don't see what the harm is.
It's not like they're going to read it.
Approximately one fifth of the wild's population celebrate Chinese New Year and we call those people Chinese.
And Brexit was voted Word of the Year 2016.
We don't know what the word is going to be for next year, but my money is on Trumpageddon.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! Jon has announced the dates for his 2017 UK tour, so to avoid disappointment, don't book now.
And Jon's come this evening dressed as Rupert the Bear.
I'm currently in training to be the next David O'Doherty and it's going very well.
The T-shirt under the T-shirt under the cardigan.
In many ways, my winter look is just all of my summer looks worn at the same time, so these are all of my clothes.
Johnny, you've as an assassin this evening, yes? Uh-huh, yeah, I'm the man in black, I'm a video game.
I'm out to get you.
OK.
All I can see is a head in a chair.
I'm seeing an advert that ends with you smashing through a window and saying, "Well, I'm here, but the bad news is I've eaten the chocolates.
" OK.
And Jon's team-mate, Richard Osman.
Rich Osman, six foot seven, is on a team with Jon Richardson, five foot three.
That's the long and the short of it.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Johnny Vegas! Johnny recently appeared in an episode of Celebrity Storage Hunters.
He wasn't meant to, but they opened an old, abandoned container and found him sleeping inside.
And Johnny's team-mate, Sara Pascoe.
Sara's written a book called The Autobiography of the Female Body.
Apparently there's a whole chapter on the G-spot, but I couldn't find it.
Sara, if you're invited to a party and you don't want to go, - what excuse do you use? - I don't use excuses.
I tell the truth.
You're a much nicer person if you're honest with people and say, "I just I don't want to come to your party.
I-I don't care.
"I don't celebrate my birthday, I don't need to go to your birthday.
"Your funeral sounds boring, Nan.
" And also, you can't Organised fun is really forced.
You can't have fun when everyone says, "Oh, it's New Year's Eve, have fun now.
" Not wishing to sound like the sort of mother of the group, but how do you have fun if no-one organises it? Organised fun, you can't be sat there, you know, "Where did the vol-au-vents come from?" Somebody made them.
"What's this playlist?" Somebody programmed it this afternoon.
"What's that alarm?" Home time.
You programme the playlist? You don't let people just put records on? No, because somebody likes something obscure, because what they really think is, if they play this, "Everyone will think I've got a personality.
" - Just play Dancing Queen and get on with it.
- Yeah.
Stewart Lee got in my car and actually made me a mix tape, because he said my music collection was the UK equivalent of American Psycho.
When you say he got in your car, are you an Uber driver? - It wouldn't surprise me.
- I turn up as an Uber driver, but I bang on people's doors and they haven't booked me.
But I've bought a car with a sunroof, so I'm coming to pick you up soon, Sonny Jim.
Jon, you're something of a party animal.
- Yes.
- When you get on the dance floor, - what is the Jon Richardson signature move? - No, I don't dance.
I'll do the YMCA.
No matter what's playing.
I hate dancing.
I think it's for people who can't communicate verbally.
I'd love to see Jon on Strictly, wouldn't you? - Yeah! - I would never do Strictly because I love my wife too much.
I think I'm going to let her end it.
I don't understand why they have to touch each other when they're not even dancing.
You watch them just talking about dancing, it's as if they say to them in the audition, "Learn how to dance, but just always have a hand just on them somewhere.
" I think it's cos people at home vote for the ones you think are banging.
I mean, Richard, this show is not actually down to the public vote, but it might be an idea to win the audience over if possibly you place a hand on Jon's shoulder or something.
And he loves that.
We were banging just before the show.
Jon, can you do the Strictly shimmy? LAUGHTER I just caught myself there.
With the cardigan, you look like you've got hypothermia.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Richard, what are your hopes for the next year? I think, what I'd like to do next year, I want the former National Guard to protect some of our much-loved celebrities, because I think we lost too many of them this year and I think I want to do a round-the-clock guard on a number of people.
David Attenborough I think we should protect.
Mary Berry I think we should protect.
Kriss Akabusi.
He was on Win Lose Or Draw with me, right? And I did a really, really good drawing of a bulldozer and three times he called it a digger-upper.
OK.
Richard, have you brought a mascot with you? Well, Jimmy, I brought my spirit guide.
From when I was a child, I always had a spirit guide who was a big orange monster with wild hair and I've brought him along.
His name is Donald.
There he is and he's going to help me throughout the show.
He's got a lot of big plans for the show, he's got ten-letter words he wants to use, all sorts of plans for us.
It's his plans for that thumb you want to worry about.
- Are you an admirer, Rich, of Donald Trump? - Yeah, I love the guy.
What is it you like about him? Er I I like I like Listen, I'm not a huge fan.
But if he can help me win Countdown, then I'll be on his side.
By the time this goes out, someone would have shot him anyway.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sara, have you got a mascot? - I do.
- What have you got? - Well, I've come on the show a few times and I always get really frustrated at myself, because I get very stressed at the game and I go home and I kick myself and I wish I'd done better, and I think the stress is holding me back, so I'm going to be really relaxed for the show.
I was thinking about where I am most relaxed and it's when I'm in bed before I go to sleep, so I thought I'd kind of recreate that, so I've brought some things.
This is Patrick, who sleeps in my bed, and I got some eye covers and they smell of lavender, they're really nice.
And I've got a pyjama top to put on.
Also I've got the other person who shares a bed with me here.
- Ollie? - APPLAUSE So if you sit down and I sit on your lap.
You've got to pick up your bear junk before you sit down.
There's eye covers in case you want them as well.
- They smell of lavender.
- Do they? - So you sleep with him? - Yeah.
Oh, you look nice.
I probably look more attentive than I normally do on the show.
Seven! Johnny.
Johnny, blindfold off and no sleeping during the show.
Only once.
Well, I hope you're happy because some kid in Butlins now is crying his fucking eyes out.
- I am.
I am happy.
- What is a mascot? - Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, it's the ultimate toy.
- Go on.
What have you got? It's the Johnny Vegas Lego-zoid.
It's me in Lego when I played for my home town of St Helens.
Look, it's got my number on the back.
- When did you play rugby for St Helens? - A long time ago.
Yeah, it just represents the happiest time of my life, when I had no responsibilities and a perm.
- OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, it's a review really, Jimmy.
It's that time of the year, it's the end of the year, isn't it? And we all think of the Word of the Year, - which Susie will know this year is - Posttruth.
- Posttruth.
But I've had a big year as well.
I had - We had a baby, I think, is the fairest way to say it.
- Yes, we did.
- Congratulations, Rich.
- Thank you.
- APPLAUSE So I thought I'd do some of the words that I learnt this year that I didn't know before the year started.
So this is the first word I learnt this year.
It's ten letters and it's episiotomy.
What's an episiotomy? - Episiotomy is they take a - HE RETCHES They get some A very sharp When the lady's is, erm And then a They cut I can't do that one.
I think he's going to be fine, he's going to be fine.
The next word I learnt is perineum.
What's a perineum, Jon? Well, when you have your episiotomy, that's They cut the And it's the bit So it's not the bit and it's not the other bit, it's sort of a middle bit.
You wouldn't ever think of it if you were a man, you wouldn't think, "Oh, there's a bit.
" You just think, "Oh, that bit, but not that bit.
" - And then sometimes - HE RETCHES And then, when the baby's born, the baby does a poo and there's a word, which is meconium and that's, that's the first poo a baby does and it's a shit so foul, it has to have its own name.
It sticks to everything! It's like the stuff they use to attach prizes to magazines.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
Take us through a regular David O'Doherty party.
What happens? ErmI do, I like to party.
You know, I've been known to That gets a chuckle, over there.
I mean, if you're noticing a simmering tension here on set tonight, it's because a member of the team on this side has been sending me You know, I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I've printed them all out here.
Here are a selection of tweets Richard has sent me recently.
Here's what he says.
"Dude, so sorry you lost Crufts.
" He tweets me on the 29th July.
"Now that coconut water is so successful, "people often try to break your head with a hammer and drink you.
" I mean, that's not very nice, is it? He says, "Is it true that when you shave, "the whole of Ireland thinks it's autumn?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent.
I'm not saying Susie has a voracious appetite for men, but she's the only woman in Britain to have completed Tinder.
Susie, what words were added to the dictionary in 2016? Well, they're all pretty bleak.
I wanted merryneum, which is the bit between Christmas and New Year, but it was all a bit bleak, so we had Brexit and political turmoil, - so I'm going to go for Hygge.
- Hygge.
This is warm cinnamon buns and cashmere socks and glowing candlelight.
It's a way of being which is all about comfort and kind of - hunkering down.
- And where's the - It's from Denmark.
- From Denmark? - Yeah.
Hygge.
And it's just all the things that make you feel cosy - and warm and nice? - Jon is hygge incarnate.
- Hygge! - That's how we say it in Denmark.
- OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
What does the future hold for Rachel Riley? Well, if history's taught us anything, she's about nine years away from going into the jungle.
If you had to spend New Year's with one of us, who would it be? It'd probably be you because you throw the good parties.
Everyone knows that.
One of your parties, I don't know if Johnny remembers, but he tried to pay me at the end of the night.
Well, you had been super friendly, Rachel.
I tried to pay you? For what? I was just minding my own business getting the food, because you just said, you know, take the food, so the waiter's there, I was just having a chat, taking some food and you came up and tried to tip me.
Had you read the envelope closely, it was, "Please give me a seven-letter word" OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown indoor firework display.
Three, two, one.
BANG I wouldn't worry about that, that happens to a lot of men.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
- Johnny and Sara, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Sarah.
- Good choice.
O Another vowel.
A Consonant.
C Another two consonants.
G R Another consonant.
N Vowel.
E Another consonant and another vowel, please.
K and I And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
MUSIC: Stayin' Alive by Bee Gees Yeah, I don't do a lot, but I feel I add value.
Right.
Jon, what have you got? - Eight.
- Rich? - Eight.
- Johnny? What have you got? I think I've got eight but that might be spelt wrong.
- Is it spelt like that, that word? - Er - Why would you want? You might as well ask the bear.
- I think it's spelt like that.
- A seven then.
I've got a five, but I suspect it's like a coffee that you'd buy out the back of a van.
It kind of looks and smells like a named brand but it isn't.
OK.
Johnny, what is your five that's like the coffee you buy out the back of a van, that looks like the name brand, but isn't the named brand.
I've got KENGO.
KENDO but no KENGO.
No KEN GO.
Sara, your seven? - I got GRACING.
- GRACING.
- Yeah.
- You need two Gs.
- SARA: - Oh! - Richard, your eight.
- CROAKING.
CROAKING - Oh! - We should have written that! Jon, what was your eight? CREAKING - Brilliant.
Both brilliant.
- Eight points to Jon and Richard.
David, Susie, what could Dictionary Corner offer us? ONAGER is a word.
What does it mean again? - It's an ass, as in a donkey.
- Ee-aw! A little horse.
OK.
So at the end of that, Jon and Richard are in the lead with 8 points.
And is it OK if I let Ollie go to bed? Because he's very tired and I think he's making me toosleepy - and I should concentrate more on the game.
- Yes.
- Ollie, everyone.
I might get you back out later.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Richard, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Two big, four small, please.
- OK.
Right.
These four littles are 5, 10 - JON: - Ten's big enough, isn't it? .
.
9, 4, and then 25 and 75.
And your target, 801.
OK.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 801.
- ErRich, did you get it? - No.
800.
- Jon, did you get it? - I also got 800.
Near enough.
Johnny, did you, did you get it? Yeah, of course I did.
- Sara, did you get it? - I got 804, so, no.
To be honest, I just need a bigger challenge.
- How did you do it, Johnny? - I'd love to tell you.
- Well, I divided 25 by nine.
- Excellent start! - 25 รท 9, Rachel? You can tell us - I mean, times by 9! - Sorry, not divided.
- Is what? Jesus, Jimmy, if you don't know 10 x 5 50 x 4 If he does this, it's going to be incredible.
Add the 200 to the 225.
And, erm There's no shame in, "No, I didn't get it.
" I did actually get 771.
Well, that's no good! You got 425 as far as I can see.
Well, 4 x 9 = 36.
Right.
Plus 5 equals 1.
Plus 5, equals 1? Then, erm 10 x 75 = 750 Plus the 25.
And then plus the 36.
- JON: - I'm not following this, but I think he's got it.
- RACHEL: - No.
- I was being sarcastic.
- OK.
So, Rich, how did you get? I'm afraid my way's even more complicated than that.
75 + 5 x 10 75 + 5 = 80 x 10 - Yeah.
One away.
- All right.
Well, 7 points to Jon and Richard.
- Rachel, did you get it? - You could've said 75 Bearing in mind we will burn you as a witch if you get this.
.
.
+ 25, I'm ready to be burnt, 100.
10 + 5 - 4 = 11 Take it away for 89 and times it by 9.
9 x 89 OK.
So, Johnny and Sara have no points.
Jon and Richard have 15.
And here is your teaser.
The words are HI STIFFY.
The clue is - gets better with age.
That's HI STIFFY - gets better with age.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HI STIFFY, the clue was, "Gets better with age.
" It was, of course, FIFTYISH.
OK.
We've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Richard.
Richard, your turn to choose the letters, and then beat Johnny.
Could we start with two consonants, please Rachel? We could, thank you, Richard.
D M Er, if we get two vowels A E - How about I get three consonants, now? - Wow.
L, S N And Vowel, please.
O And then I thinkone of your own choosing, Rachel.
I'm going for a vowel.
E Can't believe you chose a vowel(!) OK.
And your time starts now.
TROPICAL-STYLE COUNTDOWN THEME CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Lower.
Go lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Jon, we're ready for you.
I could jump that.
Could you get under it? Jon, everyone.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm taller stood up, right? - Together.
- Sure, sure.
How tough could it actually? Oh, fucking hell.
It is It is I mean, my hips have gone now.
What are you doing?! TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYS - OK.
Rich, how many? - Er, six, Jimmy.
Six.
OK, Johnny, how many? Six.
OK.
Rich, your six? MEDALS.
- MEDALS? - MEDALS.
Johnny.
DAMSEL.
- DAMSEL, nice.
- DAMSEL! - Johnny Vegas - Yay! You did it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Erm Could they have done any better? After five seconds, Susie handed me this, - which is a nine-letter.
- Oh, no.
- LEMONADES, guys.
- SARA GASPS Nine letters.
Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
So, at the end of that, Johnny and Sara have 6, Jon and Richard have 21.
Time now for Sara and Jon to go head-to-head on the numbers.
- Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
- So, Jimmy, I'm just going to call back Ollie.
Ollie, can you come back, please? Aww.
Ollie.
I think everyone really loves Ollie.
You're good at maths, aren't you? Yeah Better than me.
I'm going to put this out there now, but that ain't the same bear that left.
Something's happened, that's a sort of maths bear We're all being taken for a bunch of dicks What's that, Ollie? You've got something to say to Jon? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Naughty bear.
- Let's do some maths! Can I have two of the larger numbers? And then the rest will be of the smaller variety.
OK.
9, 4, 5, 4, 100, and 50.
And your target - 170.
- Ooh.
Got it! LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
INDISTINC So, the target was 170.
- Sara, did you get it? - Erm I got 1 - I'm going to go to Rich first.
- Yeah.
- Richard, did you get it? - No, because I'm not playing.
- Ahh.
- That would be it, wouldn't it? - Yeah.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- OK.
- Sara, did you get it? - (We're not going to get it.
) - (They're only talking, now.
Just) - (Keep going?) (I know, but just go for a little walk and look at his card.
) Oh, I've lost my pen! Oh, you best go and get it! - I found it.
- Oh, well done.
I got it! - Jimmy, I got it! - Did you? Donald is saying something about "Crooked Sara.
" He likes a bad boy.
- CROWD GASP - Oh, shit! That's karma! It's bad karma! It's bad karma! We've done bad karma! We've done bad Johnny, I'm pretty sure that's diabetes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Jon, how did you do it? 100 plus 50 plus 4 times 5.
- RACHEL: - Yep.
- JOHNNY: - Obviously.
- RACHEL: - Yep, 170.
I suppose it begs the question, Sara - how did you not get it? I was overthinking it.
I'd like to retract my comments that the bear might have been switched for a bear that's good at maths.
I'm now confident that that was the same bear that left earlier.
OK, so 10 points to Jon! And I'm going to send Ollie back, because I'm scared that Jon Richardson's actually going to do something cruel to you.
Thank you so much for your help, bubba.
Bye-bye.
Time to go across, now, to Dictionary Corner.
- David, what have you got for us? - Well, I brought the, eh I brought the party machine, everyone.
HE PLAYS I thought, as it's the end of the year, I'd just review my year in comedy.
This was the year I became known not just for my comedy, also for my graffiti.
You'll all know my tag.
I do two parallel yellow lines beside the path.
Andthe great thing is that motorists really respect my work.
I think my word of the year, Susie, is blazer.
I just love the word blazer, because blazers are so unlike what their name would initially imply.
Like, imagine if you're learning English, and someone's like, "I'm going to bring my blazer out".
You'd be like, "Whoa! Holy shit! "What IS that? A sci-fi themed stun gun?" "No, it's a semi-formal sports coat, to be honest.
" Plans for 2017? Hopefully, this is the year I finally get to ditch the "O'Doherty", and just become, like, a one-name entertainer.
You know what I mean? Like Madonna or Bjork.
I'd be David.
"Oh, David was sensational last night.
" But the problem with being called David is there's so many other famous Davids, so what I'm going to do for the next year, I'm going to murder all of the other famous Davids.
Name a famous David.
Anyone name a famous David? - David Attenborough! - David Attenborough.
I think I'm going to make it look like an animal did it, you know? It's how he would have wanted.
Name another famous David.
- Hasselhoff! - Hasselhoff, I'm just going to drown him in a bay that's not being watched at the time.
Beckham.
With him I'm just going to bend Just bend him over, really.
Craig David is the trickiest one.
Still technically a David.
With him it's a medium-term plan.
I'm going to meet him for a drink early in the week.
And then we'll be making love for several days .
.
and then kill him on Sunday.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone! The scores at the moment - Johnny and Sara have 6, Jon and Richard have 31.
And here is your teaser.
The words are HE FARTED, the clue is - as only a man can.
That's HE FARTED - as only a man can.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HE FARTED, the clue was - as only a man can.
It was, of course, FATHERED.
As it's the end of the year show, we've hired a magician, so please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, the Amazing Alfonso.
So So you're the Amazing Alfonso? Yeah.
You got a problem with that? Was my top hat on fire again? Cheers, mate.
I bought a really cheap top hat and it keeps catching fire for some reason.
I thought it was a trick.
No, it's just a shit top hat.
So Do you want to see a trick? Yeah, go on, then.
You'll like this.
Rachel, do you want to check behind your plinth? Oh, yeah.
In your own time, love.
Is this the trick? It's a bottle of strong cider and 20 Regals.
APPLAUSE Susie, check under your desk, love.
It's another bottle of strong cider and 20 cigs.
Joe? Joe, can I stop you there? Do all of your tricks involve producing strong cider and 20 cigarettes? Pretty much.
I've got one other one but I've never done it before so it might be a bit shit.
- Can we see it? - Fabio, bring on the tank.
Basically, what we were going to do here - I was going to be tied up into a sack, chained, locked and then dropped in to this tank.
And then I was going to get 30 seconds to escape, but we discussed it and realised it was way, way, way too dangerous so instead we thought Fabio would do it.
That way if something goes wrong, who gives a fuck? And then I thought what you could do is the teams could guess whether he survives it or not, and then maybe win a point.
OK.
Johnny, do you think Fabio is going to get out in time? Will he make it? I don't think he's going to make it.
- Jon? - I think this show cannot go on without Fabio, and I think he must survive.
You think he's going to survive.
- Shall we do this, Joe? - Let's do this bollocks.
TENSE MUSIC PLAYS Lower the pissing winch.
APPLAUSE Grab hold of it.
I'm a bag of nerves.
Raise the pissing winch.
LOWER the pissing winch.
Right, he's ready.
OK.
All right, Fabio, your time starts now.
He's still got air in there.
He's still got air.
He's running out of air.
He is running out of air.
He has run out of No, he's back.
Keep breathing, boy.
Ooh.
I don't think he got out.
Did he not, Jimmy? Do you want to check under your desk? LAUGHTER There's a bottle of strong cider and 20 cigarettes.
Shit.
I forgot to give him the key.
So he's still in there? Yeah, I'm going to have to make a few phone calls.
I guess, because he didn't get out, the good news is Johnny gets a point! APPLAUSE Fabio Let's play Countdown! OK, on with the game.
Johnny, Sara, your turn to choose.
- Can we have? - I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Great.
Four vowels, please.
Four vowels.
Joe, mate Sorry, I think your hat was on fire.
No, I don't think so, mate.
Joe, mate, your hat was just on fire.
Stop fucking around, will you? - What else do you want? - Five consonants.
Five consonants R That looks like a pile of shit - good luck.
OK, your time starts now.
Jon, how many? Six.
Richard.
Seven.
Sara.
Five.
Johnny.
LAUGHTER Five.
Johnny, arrrr, have a think about that, lad.
Arrr Oh, six! Oh, come on.
Johnny, what was your five? Erm, PIRATE.
Johnny, what was your five? What was your initial five before David O'Doherty in Dictionary Corner took matters into his own hands? I don't know Sara, what was your five? VIPER.
VIPER.
OK, Jon, your six? PIRATE.
PIRATE.
What's your seven? PRIVATE.
Brilliant.
Well done.
Seven points it is.
Pop a Z at the end, you've got another word for goolies.
Susie, David, could they have done any better? No, PRIVATE is the best with seven.
OK.
So at the end of that, Johnny and Sara have 7, Jon and Richard have 38.
OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner - David, what have you got for us? You're probably wondering why the keyboard sounds so good this evening, and it's I got new batteries just before.
It's been a It's been quite a stressful year for a lot of people, for our viewers.
I thought it would be nice tonight just to give the Countdown viewers just some compliments, really.
You have incredible taste in television.
You know, it's good to watch Countdown.
You can't take life too seriously.
You have to take it a bit seriously, you can't be like, "There's a fire, I'm going to put my dick in the fire," but at the same time And this is a big night, this is a landmark night, you guys.
If you think about it, this is the oldest we've ever been.
Life has shown us this year it's tricky.
I bet everyone finds it tricky, even people who seem like they've got life sussed.
I bet even Beyonce, like once a month, does something, "Oh, Beyonce, you're such an eejit.
" She gets her head stuck in railings or something.
"Jay Z, why did you throw the Frisbee in there?" It's gonna be all right.
It's the New Year coming up - anything could be about to happen, anything, anything could be about I mean, no-one expected a jazz solo there.
Anything could be about to happen and we'll say goodbye to shitty 2016 now.
I'll just play a little beautiful music and that will put a calm ending on it.
Yeah.
See you, 2016.
MUSIC: Rondo Alla Turca by Mozart Oh, no! David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TIT FEAST, the clue is - the bigger, the better.
That's TIT FEAST - the bigger, the better.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were TIT FEAST, the clue was - the bigger the better.
It was, of course, FATTIEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Richard, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please, Alfonso.
Consonant, the big ones.
- And a vowel, please.
- A vowel.
- What do you want? An O? - Yeah, that will do.
Yeah, yeah.
- And a consonant, please.
- We're going for LOPSIDED.
LAUGHTER Still in with a chance.
Are you trying to spell LOSER? Yeah, go for it.
Yeah, pop it in.
GASPS He's a magician! Go on, Alfonso! Per chance, is it R? LAUGHTER Come on! - HE SCREAMS - Shit! Consonant, please.
I just feel it's going to be a W.
Fuck it! Shit! Vowel, please.
It's going to be an E.
Bollocks and tits! Consonant, please.
It's a P.
Tits and arse.
And Magic's choice to finish.
Erm Whichever feels warmest.
An O! Shit! Arses! LAUGHTER And your 30 seconds starts now.
Look at that, Fabio's alive.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what that is but it stinks.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I've done you all some party food.
I've got you a sausage roll.
That's just normal size for you.
Down in one! Down in one! Johnny, I made you a Scotch egg.
It's brilliant.
Is it honestly edible? - It is a Scotch egg, yeah.
- Do you know how long I have? I have this weird ambition to eat a Scotch egg bigger than my head.
A Scotch egg bigger than my head.
- Come on, bitches - LAUGHTER Look, Pac-Man Scotch egg! Waka-waka-waka-waka! Jon, because you're a vegetarian, we got you cheese and pineapple.
I look like fruit and savoury but I'll eat the cheese.
OK, and, Sara, you couldn't even have the cheese because you're vegan - so we just got you some fruit.
Good luck.
- Oh! Have you just spotted that?! Oh, this is so nice! Johnny, how's the How's the Scotch egg? It's like a sausage that won't finish.
- What about this? - It's beautiful.
Yeah, but that's a sausage roll.
All you've got with that is reflux.
But this is pure sausage meat.
That's going to give me heartburn but this is just going to sit inside me and in about ten years' time stop me stone dead in the street.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Richard, how many letters? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Jon, how many? - I'll go for a seven.
- OK, Sara, how many? - Six, mate.
OK, and Johnny? You give me a giant Scotch egg and you want me to give a shit about letters.
It's true.
I just want to bury my face in this bad boy.
- That's a good word! Say that one.
- I've got six.
You've got six? What's your six? I've got TINSEL and I've got TONSIL.
Sara, your six? - SOFTEN.
- Yep I just found some jelly! - Do you like the jelly in the? - Pork jelly No! God, it's like you can feel the pig crying.
Jon, your seven? I don't know if this is a word but it sounds like the sort of thing you might like to hear.
FISTUEL.
FISTUEL.
FISTULA is there but not FISTUEL.
Ahh! - Richard, your seven? - FOULEST.
FOULEST.
OK, seven points to Jon and Richard.
APPLAUSE OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes, I found OUTLINES for eight letters.
- Well done.
OK, so at the end of that Johnny and Sara have 7, Jon and Richard have 45.
But it's all still to play for.
No, I mean, of course it isn't.
If I catch this in my mouth when I throw it in the air, we get 40 points.
What if I throw it from over there and you catch it? - Yeah, what about that? - Sure.
- You get one go - One go.
- .
.
from the middle, Johnny.
- OK.
- Imagine if we win! - This is going - I mean, for a vegan this will have - It will be He's got hammy hands.
It's worth it to win.
- OK, one go, Johnny.
One go.
- Careful, careful! - 40 points.
- Open! - I'll open, yeah.
- Underarm, yeah.
- KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAY GASPS - Johnny! - I'm afraid you didn't get 40 points.
Sit back down! No, that's it, Johnny.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Rich, what's that show you present on BBC? Oh, Plotlines! - Let's have a look and see.
- Oh, no! Now this victory will feel like a loss to you.
That's bad.
You know, I've got to stop watching The Chase.
So the final scores are, Johnny and Sara have 7 but tonight's winners with 45, Jon and Richard! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, gentleman, you're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown indoor firework display.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
Now welcome your host, Jimmyyyyyy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown End of Year Special.
It's all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, this year, a petition was launched to remove the term Essex girl from the dictionary? I don't see what the harm is.
It's not like they're going to read it.
Approximately one fifth of the wild's population celebrate Chinese New Year and we call those people Chinese.
And Brexit was voted Word of the Year 2016.
We don't know what the word is going to be for next year, but my money is on Trumpageddon.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! Jon has announced the dates for his 2017 UK tour, so to avoid disappointment, don't book now.
And Jon's come this evening dressed as Rupert the Bear.
I'm currently in training to be the next David O'Doherty and it's going very well.
The T-shirt under the T-shirt under the cardigan.
In many ways, my winter look is just all of my summer looks worn at the same time, so these are all of my clothes.
Johnny, you've as an assassin this evening, yes? Uh-huh, yeah, I'm the man in black, I'm a video game.
I'm out to get you.
OK.
All I can see is a head in a chair.
I'm seeing an advert that ends with you smashing through a window and saying, "Well, I'm here, but the bad news is I've eaten the chocolates.
" OK.
And Jon's team-mate, Richard Osman.
Rich Osman, six foot seven, is on a team with Jon Richardson, five foot three.
That's the long and the short of it.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Johnny Vegas! Johnny recently appeared in an episode of Celebrity Storage Hunters.
He wasn't meant to, but they opened an old, abandoned container and found him sleeping inside.
And Johnny's team-mate, Sara Pascoe.
Sara's written a book called The Autobiography of the Female Body.
Apparently there's a whole chapter on the G-spot, but I couldn't find it.
Sara, if you're invited to a party and you don't want to go, - what excuse do you use? - I don't use excuses.
I tell the truth.
You're a much nicer person if you're honest with people and say, "I just I don't want to come to your party.
I-I don't care.
"I don't celebrate my birthday, I don't need to go to your birthday.
"Your funeral sounds boring, Nan.
" And also, you can't Organised fun is really forced.
You can't have fun when everyone says, "Oh, it's New Year's Eve, have fun now.
" Not wishing to sound like the sort of mother of the group, but how do you have fun if no-one organises it? Organised fun, you can't be sat there, you know, "Where did the vol-au-vents come from?" Somebody made them.
"What's this playlist?" Somebody programmed it this afternoon.
"What's that alarm?" Home time.
You programme the playlist? You don't let people just put records on? No, because somebody likes something obscure, because what they really think is, if they play this, "Everyone will think I've got a personality.
" - Just play Dancing Queen and get on with it.
- Yeah.
Stewart Lee got in my car and actually made me a mix tape, because he said my music collection was the UK equivalent of American Psycho.
When you say he got in your car, are you an Uber driver? - It wouldn't surprise me.
- I turn up as an Uber driver, but I bang on people's doors and they haven't booked me.
But I've bought a car with a sunroof, so I'm coming to pick you up soon, Sonny Jim.
Jon, you're something of a party animal.
- Yes.
- When you get on the dance floor, - what is the Jon Richardson signature move? - No, I don't dance.
I'll do the YMCA.
No matter what's playing.
I hate dancing.
I think it's for people who can't communicate verbally.
I'd love to see Jon on Strictly, wouldn't you? - Yeah! - I would never do Strictly because I love my wife too much.
I think I'm going to let her end it.
I don't understand why they have to touch each other when they're not even dancing.
You watch them just talking about dancing, it's as if they say to them in the audition, "Learn how to dance, but just always have a hand just on them somewhere.
" I think it's cos people at home vote for the ones you think are banging.
I mean, Richard, this show is not actually down to the public vote, but it might be an idea to win the audience over if possibly you place a hand on Jon's shoulder or something.
And he loves that.
We were banging just before the show.
Jon, can you do the Strictly shimmy? LAUGHTER I just caught myself there.
With the cardigan, you look like you've got hypothermia.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Richard, what are your hopes for the next year? I think, what I'd like to do next year, I want the former National Guard to protect some of our much-loved celebrities, because I think we lost too many of them this year and I think I want to do a round-the-clock guard on a number of people.
David Attenborough I think we should protect.
Mary Berry I think we should protect.
Kriss Akabusi.
He was on Win Lose Or Draw with me, right? And I did a really, really good drawing of a bulldozer and three times he called it a digger-upper.
OK.
Richard, have you brought a mascot with you? Well, Jimmy, I brought my spirit guide.
From when I was a child, I always had a spirit guide who was a big orange monster with wild hair and I've brought him along.
His name is Donald.
There he is and he's going to help me throughout the show.
He's got a lot of big plans for the show, he's got ten-letter words he wants to use, all sorts of plans for us.
It's his plans for that thumb you want to worry about.
- Are you an admirer, Rich, of Donald Trump? - Yeah, I love the guy.
What is it you like about him? Er I I like I like Listen, I'm not a huge fan.
But if he can help me win Countdown, then I'll be on his side.
By the time this goes out, someone would have shot him anyway.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sara, have you got a mascot? - I do.
- What have you got? - Well, I've come on the show a few times and I always get really frustrated at myself, because I get very stressed at the game and I go home and I kick myself and I wish I'd done better, and I think the stress is holding me back, so I'm going to be really relaxed for the show.
I was thinking about where I am most relaxed and it's when I'm in bed before I go to sleep, so I thought I'd kind of recreate that, so I've brought some things.
This is Patrick, who sleeps in my bed, and I got some eye covers and they smell of lavender, they're really nice.
And I've got a pyjama top to put on.
Also I've got the other person who shares a bed with me here.
- Ollie? - APPLAUSE So if you sit down and I sit on your lap.
You've got to pick up your bear junk before you sit down.
There's eye covers in case you want them as well.
- They smell of lavender.
- Do they? - So you sleep with him? - Yeah.
Oh, you look nice.
I probably look more attentive than I normally do on the show.
Seven! Johnny.
Johnny, blindfold off and no sleeping during the show.
Only once.
Well, I hope you're happy because some kid in Butlins now is crying his fucking eyes out.
- I am.
I am happy.
- What is a mascot? - Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, it's the ultimate toy.
- Go on.
What have you got? It's the Johnny Vegas Lego-zoid.
It's me in Lego when I played for my home town of St Helens.
Look, it's got my number on the back.
- When did you play rugby for St Helens? - A long time ago.
Yeah, it just represents the happiest time of my life, when I had no responsibilities and a perm.
- OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? - Well, it's a review really, Jimmy.
It's that time of the year, it's the end of the year, isn't it? And we all think of the Word of the Year, - which Susie will know this year is - Posttruth.
- Posttruth.
But I've had a big year as well.
I had - We had a baby, I think, is the fairest way to say it.
- Yes, we did.
- Congratulations, Rich.
- Thank you.
- APPLAUSE So I thought I'd do some of the words that I learnt this year that I didn't know before the year started.
So this is the first word I learnt this year.
It's ten letters and it's episiotomy.
What's an episiotomy? - Episiotomy is they take a - HE RETCHES They get some A very sharp When the lady's is, erm And then a They cut I can't do that one.
I think he's going to be fine, he's going to be fine.
The next word I learnt is perineum.
What's a perineum, Jon? Well, when you have your episiotomy, that's They cut the And it's the bit So it's not the bit and it's not the other bit, it's sort of a middle bit.
You wouldn't ever think of it if you were a man, you wouldn't think, "Oh, there's a bit.
" You just think, "Oh, that bit, but not that bit.
" - And then sometimes - HE RETCHES And then, when the baby's born, the baby does a poo and there's a word, which is meconium and that's, that's the first poo a baby does and it's a shit so foul, it has to have its own name.
It sticks to everything! It's like the stuff they use to attach prizes to magazines.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
Take us through a regular David O'Doherty party.
What happens? ErmI do, I like to party.
You know, I've been known to That gets a chuckle, over there.
I mean, if you're noticing a simmering tension here on set tonight, it's because a member of the team on this side has been sending me You know, I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I've printed them all out here.
Here are a selection of tweets Richard has sent me recently.
Here's what he says.
"Dude, so sorry you lost Crufts.
" He tweets me on the 29th July.
"Now that coconut water is so successful, "people often try to break your head with a hammer and drink you.
" I mean, that's not very nice, is it? He says, "Is it true that when you shave, "the whole of Ireland thinks it's autumn?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And with David, of course, it's Susie Dent.
I'm not saying Susie has a voracious appetite for men, but she's the only woman in Britain to have completed Tinder.
Susie, what words were added to the dictionary in 2016? Well, they're all pretty bleak.
I wanted merryneum, which is the bit between Christmas and New Year, but it was all a bit bleak, so we had Brexit and political turmoil, - so I'm going to go for Hygge.
- Hygge.
This is warm cinnamon buns and cashmere socks and glowing candlelight.
It's a way of being which is all about comfort and kind of - hunkering down.
- And where's the - It's from Denmark.
- From Denmark? - Yeah.
Hygge.
And it's just all the things that make you feel cosy - and warm and nice? - Jon is hygge incarnate.
- Hygge! - That's how we say it in Denmark.
- OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
What does the future hold for Rachel Riley? Well, if history's taught us anything, she's about nine years away from going into the jungle.
If you had to spend New Year's with one of us, who would it be? It'd probably be you because you throw the good parties.
Everyone knows that.
One of your parties, I don't know if Johnny remembers, but he tried to pay me at the end of the night.
Well, you had been super friendly, Rachel.
I tried to pay you? For what? I was just minding my own business getting the food, because you just said, you know, take the food, so the waiter's there, I was just having a chat, taking some food and you came up and tried to tip me.
Had you read the envelope closely, it was, "Please give me a seven-letter word" OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown indoor firework display.
Three, two, one.
BANG I wouldn't worry about that, that happens to a lot of men.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
- Johnny and Sara, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Vowel, please.
- Thank you, Sarah.
- Good choice.
O Another vowel.
A Consonant.
C Another two consonants.
G R Another consonant.
N Vowel.
E Another consonant and another vowel, please.
K and I And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
MUSIC: Stayin' Alive by Bee Gees Yeah, I don't do a lot, but I feel I add value.
Right.
Jon, what have you got? - Eight.
- Rich? - Eight.
- Johnny? What have you got? I think I've got eight but that might be spelt wrong.
- Is it spelt like that, that word? - Er - Why would you want? You might as well ask the bear.
- I think it's spelt like that.
- A seven then.
I've got a five, but I suspect it's like a coffee that you'd buy out the back of a van.
It kind of looks and smells like a named brand but it isn't.
OK.
Johnny, what is your five that's like the coffee you buy out the back of a van, that looks like the name brand, but isn't the named brand.
I've got KENGO.
KENDO but no KENGO.
No KEN GO.
Sara, your seven? - I got GRACING.
- GRACING.
- Yeah.
- You need two Gs.
- SARA: - Oh! - Richard, your eight.
- CROAKING.
CROAKING - Oh! - We should have written that! Jon, what was your eight? CREAKING - Brilliant.
Both brilliant.
- Eight points to Jon and Richard.
David, Susie, what could Dictionary Corner offer us? ONAGER is a word.
What does it mean again? - It's an ass, as in a donkey.
- Ee-aw! A little horse.
OK.
So at the end of that, Jon and Richard are in the lead with 8 points.
And is it OK if I let Ollie go to bed? Because he's very tired and I think he's making me toosleepy - and I should concentrate more on the game.
- Yes.
- Ollie, everyone.
I might get you back out later.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Richard, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Two big, four small, please.
- OK.
Right.
These four littles are 5, 10 - JON: - Ten's big enough, isn't it? .
.
9, 4, and then 25 and 75.
And your target, 801.
OK.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 801.
- ErRich, did you get it? - No.
800.
- Jon, did you get it? - I also got 800.
Near enough.
Johnny, did you, did you get it? Yeah, of course I did.
- Sara, did you get it? - I got 804, so, no.
To be honest, I just need a bigger challenge.
- How did you do it, Johnny? - I'd love to tell you.
- Well, I divided 25 by nine.
- Excellent start! - 25 รท 9, Rachel? You can tell us - I mean, times by 9! - Sorry, not divided.
- Is what? Jesus, Jimmy, if you don't know 10 x 5 50 x 4 If he does this, it's going to be incredible.
Add the 200 to the 225.
And, erm There's no shame in, "No, I didn't get it.
" I did actually get 771.
Well, that's no good! You got 425 as far as I can see.
Well, 4 x 9 = 36.
Right.
Plus 5 equals 1.
Plus 5, equals 1? Then, erm 10 x 75 = 750 Plus the 25.
And then plus the 36.
- JON: - I'm not following this, but I think he's got it.
- RACHEL: - No.
- I was being sarcastic.
- OK.
So, Rich, how did you get? I'm afraid my way's even more complicated than that.
75 + 5 x 10 75 + 5 = 80 x 10 - Yeah.
One away.
- All right.
Well, 7 points to Jon and Richard.
- Rachel, did you get it? - You could've said 75 Bearing in mind we will burn you as a witch if you get this.
.
.
+ 25, I'm ready to be burnt, 100.
10 + 5 - 4 = 11 Take it away for 89 and times it by 9.
9 x 89 OK.
So, Johnny and Sara have no points.
Jon and Richard have 15.
And here is your teaser.
The words are HI STIFFY.
The clue is - gets better with age.
That's HI STIFFY - gets better with age.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HI STIFFY, the clue was, "Gets better with age.
" It was, of course, FIFTYISH.
OK.
We've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Richard.
Richard, your turn to choose the letters, and then beat Johnny.
Could we start with two consonants, please Rachel? We could, thank you, Richard.
D M Er, if we get two vowels A E - How about I get three consonants, now? - Wow.
L, S N And Vowel, please.
O And then I thinkone of your own choosing, Rachel.
I'm going for a vowel.
E Can't believe you chose a vowel(!) OK.
And your time starts now.
TROPICAL-STYLE COUNTDOWN THEME CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Lower.
Go lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Jon, we're ready for you.
I could jump that.
Could you get under it? Jon, everyone.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm taller stood up, right? - Together.
- Sure, sure.
How tough could it actually? Oh, fucking hell.
It is It is I mean, my hips have gone now.
What are you doing?! TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYS - OK.
Rich, how many? - Er, six, Jimmy.
Six.
OK, Johnny, how many? Six.
OK.
Rich, your six? MEDALS.
- MEDALS? - MEDALS.
Johnny.
DAMSEL.
- DAMSEL, nice.
- DAMSEL! - Johnny Vegas - Yay! You did it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Erm Could they have done any better? After five seconds, Susie handed me this, - which is a nine-letter.
- Oh, no.
- LEMONADES, guys.
- SARA GASPS Nine letters.
Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
So, at the end of that, Johnny and Sara have 6, Jon and Richard have 21.
Time now for Sara and Jon to go head-to-head on the numbers.
- Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
- So, Jimmy, I'm just going to call back Ollie.
Ollie, can you come back, please? Aww.
Ollie.
I think everyone really loves Ollie.
You're good at maths, aren't you? Yeah Better than me.
I'm going to put this out there now, but that ain't the same bear that left.
Something's happened, that's a sort of maths bear We're all being taken for a bunch of dicks What's that, Ollie? You've got something to say to Jon? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Naughty bear.
- Let's do some maths! Can I have two of the larger numbers? And then the rest will be of the smaller variety.
OK.
9, 4, 5, 4, 100, and 50.
And your target - 170.
- Ooh.
Got it! LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
INDISTINC So, the target was 170.
- Sara, did you get it? - Erm I got 1 - I'm going to go to Rich first.
- Yeah.
- Richard, did you get it? - No, because I'm not playing.
- Ahh.
- That would be it, wouldn't it? - Yeah.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did.
- OK.
- Sara, did you get it? - (We're not going to get it.
) - (They're only talking, now.
Just) - (Keep going?) (I know, but just go for a little walk and look at his card.
) Oh, I've lost my pen! Oh, you best go and get it! - I found it.
- Oh, well done.
I got it! - Jimmy, I got it! - Did you? Donald is saying something about "Crooked Sara.
" He likes a bad boy.
- CROWD GASP - Oh, shit! That's karma! It's bad karma! It's bad karma! We've done bad karma! We've done bad Johnny, I'm pretty sure that's diabetes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Jon, how did you do it? 100 plus 50 plus 4 times 5.
- RACHEL: - Yep.
- JOHNNY: - Obviously.
- RACHEL: - Yep, 170.
I suppose it begs the question, Sara - how did you not get it? I was overthinking it.
I'd like to retract my comments that the bear might have been switched for a bear that's good at maths.
I'm now confident that that was the same bear that left earlier.
OK, so 10 points to Jon! And I'm going to send Ollie back, because I'm scared that Jon Richardson's actually going to do something cruel to you.
Thank you so much for your help, bubba.
Bye-bye.
Time to go across, now, to Dictionary Corner.
- David, what have you got for us? - Well, I brought the, eh I brought the party machine, everyone.
HE PLAYS I thought, as it's the end of the year, I'd just review my year in comedy.
This was the year I became known not just for my comedy, also for my graffiti.
You'll all know my tag.
I do two parallel yellow lines beside the path.
Andthe great thing is that motorists really respect my work.
I think my word of the year, Susie, is blazer.
I just love the word blazer, because blazers are so unlike what their name would initially imply.
Like, imagine if you're learning English, and someone's like, "I'm going to bring my blazer out".
You'd be like, "Whoa! Holy shit! "What IS that? A sci-fi themed stun gun?" "No, it's a semi-formal sports coat, to be honest.
" Plans for 2017? Hopefully, this is the year I finally get to ditch the "O'Doherty", and just become, like, a one-name entertainer.
You know what I mean? Like Madonna or Bjork.
I'd be David.
"Oh, David was sensational last night.
" But the problem with being called David is there's so many other famous Davids, so what I'm going to do for the next year, I'm going to murder all of the other famous Davids.
Name a famous David.
Anyone name a famous David? - David Attenborough! - David Attenborough.
I think I'm going to make it look like an animal did it, you know? It's how he would have wanted.
Name another famous David.
- Hasselhoff! - Hasselhoff, I'm just going to drown him in a bay that's not being watched at the time.
Beckham.
With him I'm just going to bend Just bend him over, really.
Craig David is the trickiest one.
Still technically a David.
With him it's a medium-term plan.
I'm going to meet him for a drink early in the week.
And then we'll be making love for several days .
.
and then kill him on Sunday.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone! The scores at the moment - Johnny and Sara have 6, Jon and Richard have 31.
And here is your teaser.
The words are HE FARTED, the clue is - as only a man can.
That's HE FARTED - as only a man can.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HE FARTED, the clue was - as only a man can.
It was, of course, FATHERED.
As it's the end of the year show, we've hired a magician, so please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, the Amazing Alfonso.
So So you're the Amazing Alfonso? Yeah.
You got a problem with that? Was my top hat on fire again? Cheers, mate.
I bought a really cheap top hat and it keeps catching fire for some reason.
I thought it was a trick.
No, it's just a shit top hat.
So Do you want to see a trick? Yeah, go on, then.
You'll like this.
Rachel, do you want to check behind your plinth? Oh, yeah.
In your own time, love.
Is this the trick? It's a bottle of strong cider and 20 Regals.
APPLAUSE Susie, check under your desk, love.
It's another bottle of strong cider and 20 cigs.
Joe? Joe, can I stop you there? Do all of your tricks involve producing strong cider and 20 cigarettes? Pretty much.
I've got one other one but I've never done it before so it might be a bit shit.
- Can we see it? - Fabio, bring on the tank.
Basically, what we were going to do here - I was going to be tied up into a sack, chained, locked and then dropped in to this tank.
And then I was going to get 30 seconds to escape, but we discussed it and realised it was way, way, way too dangerous so instead we thought Fabio would do it.
That way if something goes wrong, who gives a fuck? And then I thought what you could do is the teams could guess whether he survives it or not, and then maybe win a point.
OK.
Johnny, do you think Fabio is going to get out in time? Will he make it? I don't think he's going to make it.
- Jon? - I think this show cannot go on without Fabio, and I think he must survive.
You think he's going to survive.
- Shall we do this, Joe? - Let's do this bollocks.
TENSE MUSIC PLAYS Lower the pissing winch.
APPLAUSE Grab hold of it.
I'm a bag of nerves.
Raise the pissing winch.
LOWER the pissing winch.
Right, he's ready.
OK.
All right, Fabio, your time starts now.
He's still got air in there.
He's still got air.
He's running out of air.
He is running out of air.
He has run out of No, he's back.
Keep breathing, boy.
Ooh.
I don't think he got out.
Did he not, Jimmy? Do you want to check under your desk? LAUGHTER There's a bottle of strong cider and 20 cigarettes.
Shit.
I forgot to give him the key.
So he's still in there? Yeah, I'm going to have to make a few phone calls.
I guess, because he didn't get out, the good news is Johnny gets a point! APPLAUSE Fabio Let's play Countdown! OK, on with the game.
Johnny, Sara, your turn to choose.
- Can we have? - I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Great.
Four vowels, please.
Four vowels.
Joe, mate Sorry, I think your hat was on fire.
No, I don't think so, mate.
Joe, mate, your hat was just on fire.
Stop fucking around, will you? - What else do you want? - Five consonants.
Five consonants R That looks like a pile of shit - good luck.
OK, your time starts now.
Jon, how many? Six.
Richard.
Seven.
Sara.
Five.
Johnny.
LAUGHTER Five.
Johnny, arrrr, have a think about that, lad.
Arrr Oh, six! Oh, come on.
Johnny, what was your five? Erm, PIRATE.
Johnny, what was your five? What was your initial five before David O'Doherty in Dictionary Corner took matters into his own hands? I don't know Sara, what was your five? VIPER.
VIPER.
OK, Jon, your six? PIRATE.
PIRATE.
What's your seven? PRIVATE.
Brilliant.
Well done.
Seven points it is.
Pop a Z at the end, you've got another word for goolies.
Susie, David, could they have done any better? No, PRIVATE is the best with seven.
OK.
So at the end of that, Johnny and Sara have 7, Jon and Richard have 38.
OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner - David, what have you got for us? You're probably wondering why the keyboard sounds so good this evening, and it's I got new batteries just before.
It's been a It's been quite a stressful year for a lot of people, for our viewers.
I thought it would be nice tonight just to give the Countdown viewers just some compliments, really.
You have incredible taste in television.
You know, it's good to watch Countdown.
You can't take life too seriously.
You have to take it a bit seriously, you can't be like, "There's a fire, I'm going to put my dick in the fire," but at the same time And this is a big night, this is a landmark night, you guys.
If you think about it, this is the oldest we've ever been.
Life has shown us this year it's tricky.
I bet everyone finds it tricky, even people who seem like they've got life sussed.
I bet even Beyonce, like once a month, does something, "Oh, Beyonce, you're such an eejit.
" She gets her head stuck in railings or something.
"Jay Z, why did you throw the Frisbee in there?" It's gonna be all right.
It's the New Year coming up - anything could be about to happen, anything, anything could be about I mean, no-one expected a jazz solo there.
Anything could be about to happen and we'll say goodbye to shitty 2016 now.
I'll just play a little beautiful music and that will put a calm ending on it.
Yeah.
See you, 2016.
MUSIC: Rondo Alla Turca by Mozart Oh, no! David O'Doherty, everyone.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are TIT FEAST, the clue is - the bigger, the better.
That's TIT FEAST - the bigger, the better.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser The words were TIT FEAST, the clue was - the bigger the better.
It was, of course, FATTIEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Richard, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant, please, Alfonso.
Consonant, the big ones.
- And a vowel, please.
- A vowel.
- What do you want? An O? - Yeah, that will do.
Yeah, yeah.
- And a consonant, please.
- We're going for LOPSIDED.
LAUGHTER Still in with a chance.
Are you trying to spell LOSER? Yeah, go for it.
Yeah, pop it in.
GASPS He's a magician! Go on, Alfonso! Per chance, is it R? LAUGHTER Come on! - HE SCREAMS - Shit! Consonant, please.
I just feel it's going to be a W.
Fuck it! Shit! Vowel, please.
It's going to be an E.
Bollocks and tits! Consonant, please.
It's a P.
Tits and arse.
And Magic's choice to finish.
Erm Whichever feels warmest.
An O! Shit! Arses! LAUGHTER And your 30 seconds starts now.
Look at that, Fabio's alive.
Oh, my God.
I don't know what that is but it stinks.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I've done you all some party food.
I've got you a sausage roll.
That's just normal size for you.
Down in one! Down in one! Johnny, I made you a Scotch egg.
It's brilliant.
Is it honestly edible? - It is a Scotch egg, yeah.
- Do you know how long I have? I have this weird ambition to eat a Scotch egg bigger than my head.
A Scotch egg bigger than my head.
- Come on, bitches - LAUGHTER Look, Pac-Man Scotch egg! Waka-waka-waka-waka! Jon, because you're a vegetarian, we got you cheese and pineapple.
I look like fruit and savoury but I'll eat the cheese.
OK, and, Sara, you couldn't even have the cheese because you're vegan - so we just got you some fruit.
Good luck.
- Oh! Have you just spotted that?! Oh, this is so nice! Johnny, how's the How's the Scotch egg? It's like a sausage that won't finish.
- What about this? - It's beautiful.
Yeah, but that's a sausage roll.
All you've got with that is reflux.
But this is pure sausage meat.
That's going to give me heartburn but this is just going to sit inside me and in about ten years' time stop me stone dead in the street.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Richard, how many letters? - Seven.
- Seven.
- Jon, how many? - I'll go for a seven.
- OK, Sara, how many? - Six, mate.
OK, and Johnny? You give me a giant Scotch egg and you want me to give a shit about letters.
It's true.
I just want to bury my face in this bad boy.
- That's a good word! Say that one.
- I've got six.
You've got six? What's your six? I've got TINSEL and I've got TONSIL.
Sara, your six? - SOFTEN.
- Yep I just found some jelly! - Do you like the jelly in the? - Pork jelly No! God, it's like you can feel the pig crying.
Jon, your seven? I don't know if this is a word but it sounds like the sort of thing you might like to hear.
FISTUEL.
FISTUEL.
FISTULA is there but not FISTUEL.
Ahh! - Richard, your seven? - FOULEST.
FOULEST.
OK, seven points to Jon and Richard.
APPLAUSE OK, David, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yes, I found OUTLINES for eight letters.
- Well done.
OK, so at the end of that Johnny and Sara have 7, Jon and Richard have 45.
But it's all still to play for.
No, I mean, of course it isn't.
If I catch this in my mouth when I throw it in the air, we get 40 points.
What if I throw it from over there and you catch it? - Yeah, what about that? - Sure.
- You get one go - One go.
- .
.
from the middle, Johnny.
- OK.
- Imagine if we win! - This is going - I mean, for a vegan this will have - It will be He's got hammy hands.
It's worth it to win.
- OK, one go, Johnny.
One go.
- Careful, careful! - 40 points.
- Open! - I'll open, yeah.
- Underarm, yeah.
- KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAY GASPS - Johnny! - I'm afraid you didn't get 40 points.
Sit back down! No, that's it, Johnny.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Rich, what's that show you present on BBC? Oh, Plotlines! - Let's have a look and see.
- Oh, no! Now this victory will feel like a loss to you.
That's bad.
You know, I've got to stop watching The Chase.
So the final scores are, Johnny and Sara have 7 but tonight's winners with 45, Jon and Richard! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, gentleman, you're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown indoor firework display.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!