All In The Family s09e09 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls, and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay My, oh, my, what a wonderful day Is Uncle Archie still asleep? Yeah, but I'm gonna wake him up in a minute.
And I'm fixin' him a real treat-- breakfast in bed.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it ain't really breakfast.
It's brunch.
That's breakfast when you're late.
[LAUGHS.]
See, they take the "B" off from "breakfast" and the "unch" from "lunch," and they make it "brunch.
" Oh, I better not bother you.
You do your homework, and I won't say another word.
Okay.
What are you studying? Asia.
Oh! That's an interesting country.
Asia's not a country, Aunt Edith.
It's a continent.
Oh, I wouldn't be surprised if you was right.
Now I'll hold the door open for you.
Oh, thank you.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah Zip-a-dee-ay My, oh, my, what a Wonderful day I was just bringing you breakfast in bed.
Oh, Archie.
[LAUGHS.]
Mmm.
You can eat it here.
Breakfast in bed? Edith, you know that I wouldn't eat breakfast in bed the longest day I live.
There's only two things you're supposed to do in bed, and one of 'em's sleeping.
What's the other one? Uh, uh, uh having a headache.
Why ain't you in school? School's over today.
Oh, yeah.
Did you salute the flag today? Yes.
Well, you didn't say prayers in class, huh? No.
See, I knew that.
See what the world is coming to here? What did youse do in school? We studied Asia.
You see that? Nothing about God.
They waste time studying about some dopey little country in the back of nowheres that don't mean nothin' to nobody.
Asia is a continent.
I know all about it, Edith, and it's full of a lot of godless Commie gooks.
Oh! Oh, Archie.
They're not godless.
Most people in Asia believe in Buddha.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something.
You know what's got the world in the shape it's in today? Buddha, the Pope, Marx, and lemons.
You tell that to your teacher.
And don't be fresh.
Finish your homework, Stephie.
Mm-hmm.
Now, look at this.
I ain't got time even to eat around here, Edith.
I gotta go.
Wouldn't you think maybe sometime of bringing me my breakfast in bed? Gotta get back to the bar.
Harry and me is hiring a waitress today.
If we don't find somebody this afternoon, we're gonna be in big trouble tonight.
Well, why did Boom-Boom quit? Well, her boyfriend, you know, he got out of the slammer, and he wants her to live with him, at least until he gets caught again.
Oh, I'm sorry that you can't have your brunch.
That's okay.
You save it for later, you know, uh, uh, for my "brupper.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Well, you got one hell of a nerve, hiring a girl all by yourself! Jeez, when I think of them two weirdos you nearly hired before we got Boom-Boom.
They was only weird to you.
They'd have been weird to Dracula.
One of 'em looked like a big, mean bird, and the other looked like a little, mean dog.
Well, the one I hired looks like that.
Hi.
Oh, uh, hi.
Uh, hey, listen, you know, I-- I really like to talk to the help myself, you know, before they-- they [CHUCKLES.]
Archie.
Denise? [LAUGHS.]
Youse two know each other? Sort of.
Oh, Denise, geez.
Oh, hey.
You didn't forget.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, uh, uh no, D-Denise, no, no, I-- I didn't f-- I didn't forget nothin', no.
I mean, uh, gee well, uh, h-how could I forget that, uh that, uh, night, you know if you remember the [SINGING IN FRENCH.]
Oh, holy geez.
Well, I guess it's true what they say.
It's a small world, huh? It's a small world, Archie.
Youse two know each other.
Uh, you changed, huh? Oh, I changed my hair, yeah.
Youse two know each other.
Uh, Harry, why don't you go check the stock, huh? I already did.
Ah Yeah, it's the hair you changed, yeah.
But, you know, I don't remember what color it was.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Neither do I.
You don't remember? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, w-where did youse two meet? Harry, why don't you put some of that blue stuff in the toilets again? I already did.
Oh, I know something you ain't already did.
What? Get the hell outta here.
Well, Denise, come on.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
Oh, thanks, Arch.
I mean, you know you know, like they say, huh? Take a Take a load off, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Harry, don't stand there, giving me the Orphan Annies, huh? Just get lost.
Well, I, um I heard Kelsey's became Archie's, but I never dreamed that you were the Archie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I, uh I'm that he-- uh, uh, him.
Well, whoever.
So I guess I'm working for you, huh? Yeah.
Well, Denise, uh, I don't know, uh-- Oh, hey, Archie, please don't think that what happened, you know, between us-- What didn't happen between us.
That's right, that's right.
I really need the job.
So, um, if it wouldn't you know, bother you Huh? No, no.
What the hell? It's not gonna bother me none.
Come on.
After all, hey, uh, we're grown-up people here, you know.
I-- I count myself an adult and and you an adulteress.
So, um I mean, uh uh, whatever happened back then-- I mean to say, what didn't happen back then, that ain't got nothing to do with what's happening now, huh? No.
No.
We're being very uh Uh, mature.
Mature.
Yeah.
You're still awful sweet, Archie.
Hey, some things never change, huh? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, I love ya, Arch.
I I love ya, I love ya.
I love ya, I love ya.
I-- Uh, hey, Denise, uh uh, maybe you hadn't ought to, you know, do these here things to me, you know.
Uh Oh.
I didn't touch nothin', did I? No.
Hey, Arch, can I ask you something? Yeah.
Sure.
Go ahead.
Why didn't you stay with me that night? Huh? Oh, well, I couldn't.
Uh, I don't mean that, uh-- that I-- that I couldn't, you know? I mean, uh, I couldn't.
I know.
You love your wife.
Yeah.
I'm scared of her, too.
Archie a guy like you? Well, I am.
Uh, Denise, uh uh uh, I wonder if I could ask you to do me a favor.
Ah, sure, Arch.
Well, nothing like that.
Uh, come over here, huh? See, I tell ya, I, uh I didn't eat nothing today 'cause, uh Aw.
I was in a hurry getting over here.
So, uh could you just run down to the corner, to the bakery there, pick me up a prune Danish there and a container of black coffee? You got it, Arch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, and while you're there, Denise, you pick up something for yourself, huh? They got some, uh, of them delicious, sugary bear claws down there.
Oh, hey, I like those.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Arch.
I'll see you in a minute.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'll see you in a minute there.
Yeah.
Hey, and thank you, Denise.
Oh, my God.
You got my rye high and beer, Archie? Yeah, here's the rye high, and here's the beer.
Okay.
I'm coming through there, Archie.
Oh, sure.
Look out for the boxes there.
Excuse me.
Look out.
Jeez.
[CHUCKLING.]
Okay.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Harry, I'm gonna need, uh, 2 CC's and soda.
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
Give her some room, will you? What the hell are you looking at? Hey, Arch.
Hay is for horses.
Yeah.
That new waitress-- now, that's class.
You know class like a Puerto Rican knows "pattay de foy grass.
" Wh-Wh-What I mean is, uh, she ain't stacked like Boom-Boom, but whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, come on.
In this establishment, no dirty words.
What dirty words? "Whoo-hoo-hoo.
" You got my 2 CC's and soda? Here you are, honey.
Thanks, Harry.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't help it, Arch.
Now, that's a great waitress and a swell personality.
Good-lookin', too.
Uh, how would you know that, Mr.
Van Ranseleer? I got good ears.
Very true.
Hey, Arch.
Huh? Look who's here.
Huh? I'm dead.
Hey, Edith! Hi, Archie.
Edith, Edith.
Edith, uh, come here.
I see you hired a waitress.
Uh, well, no, Harry hired her.
Oh, she's very pretty.
Yeah.
Come over here, Edith.
Come over here, yeah.
Pretty, huh? Well, uh, I don't know.
See, I've been so busy running around here, doing things, that I ain't had a chance to look at nothing, see? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's something very familiar about her.
Oh, no, no, she ain't familiar.
She's as cold as ice, Edith, yeah.
But, I mean, she looks like somebody I seen somewhere.
Yeah.
Well, that could be.
They tell me she lives kind of close.
Where? Uh, yeah, well, like you say, you know, somewhere, see.
Archie, you're making me dizzy.
I'm just trying to make you feel at home, Edith.
Oh.
Sit down.
There.
Go ahead.
No, don't sit down.
Jeez, what are you doing here? Well, you said that you might be in big trouble Oh, yeah.
so I come down to help out.
Yeah, Well, as you can see, we already hired a waitress here.
So we don't need you.
So why don't you take a run home, huh? No, hold it.
Stand here.
What's the matter with you? Now go.
Why? Because, Edith, who's taking care of the kid at home? Sybil Gooley.
Sybil Gooley? That's terrible.
Sybil Gooley? She could be teaching that child anything.
Like what? Uh, well, like, uh, how to be ugly.
Oh, Archie.
Oh.
Edith, go home.
No, I don't want to.
I want to sit down here Oh, yeah and relax, and have a ginger ale.
This is a terrible thing here.
All right, Edith.
All right.
You just sit here and relax, have a ginger ale.
Now, just sit here, see, and don't stare at nobody.
Just look off in the distance there.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey.
Hi, Arch.
Ah, Denise, yeah.
Hey, being it's your first night on the job, how would you like to knock off early? Oh, no, Arch.
The tips are great.
Tips.
This is a terrible thing here.
Oh, Mr.
Van Ranseleer, can we do anything for you? No, I'm fine.
Oh, swell, yeah.
[GASPS.]
Oh, hello.
Oh, hi.
Can I, uh-- Can I get you anything? Uh, no, thank you.
I'm being waited on.
My husband is getting me a ginger ale.
Your husband? Yeah, Mr.
Bunker, Archie.
I'm Mrs.
Bunker, Edith.
I hope you're gonna like it here.
Well-- Don't let Archie bother you.
He barks, but he don't bite.
I know.
What is your name? Denise.
Denise.
That's a pretty name.
Why don't you sit down? Oh, no-- Oh, yeah, come on.
Sit down and talk a little.
I have an Aunt Mildred who loves the name Denise.
She named her first baby Denise before she was born.
But when she was born, "she" turned out to be a boy [LAUGHS.]
so they couldn't name her Denise.
So the family had to think of a boy's name that sounded like "Denise.
" I'll bet they called him Dennis.
No.
Charlie.
See, there already was a Dennis in the Oh.
Ohh.
You're the one.
Mrs.
Bunker, no matter what you think, nothing ever happened between Archie and me.
I know.
I only saw him that one night.
Yeah, he told me.
And all we did was have one little dance.
Yeah, I know.
And two little kisses.
They're over there.
They're talking, and I'll bet they're talking about me.
I blame this on you.
Don't blame it on me.
Who am I supposed to blame it on? Mayor Koch? Hey, uh, Mr.
Van Ranseleer? Do me a favor.
Will you tune in on them two over there? Tell me what they're saying.
The waitress said all you could do was dance.
What did my wife say? She said she knows.
Mrs.
Bunker, I think your husband is a wonderful man, and I like him a lot.
Likewise, I'm sure.
But liking him doesn't mean that I have any romantic feelings for him.
Oh that's good.
But I'm gonna leave, anyway.
Oh, you don't have to.
I can get another job easy.
And I think it'd be better for everybody if I left right now.
Denise, I'm very glad I met you because I've always wanted to thank you.
Why? Ever since that time, Archie and me have been closer than ever.
Thank you.
Hey, Arch, uh, could I see you a minute, hmm? All right, Ol' Blue Eyes.
Uh I've decided to leave.
Oh, Edith said something to you, huh? Oh, no.
Oh, she's been swell.
It just wouldn't work out.
It'd be too rough on me to stay here.
Oh, yeah, I perfectly understand that.
Uh um, but ain't it gonna be rough on you, leaving me--? Uh, uh, I mean, quitting your job.
Oh, I'll be all right.
After all, we're we're being very, uh Mature.
Yeah, m-mature.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Van Ranseleer.
You're still awful sweet, Archie.
Now, here's your ginger ale there.
Edith, darling, uh Thank you.
listen, I gotta tell ya, I'm really very sorry that you had to bump into that girl.
But, uh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
Ain't gonna happen no more.
I, uh I let her go.
Yeah.
I-- I had to, Edith.
God, she's so stuck on me.
You know, she used to work in Manhattan, and now she come out to Queens to work with me, you know.
Jeez.
Just like "Chloe.
" "Through the black of night," you know BOTH: I gotta go where you are Yeah.
"If it's wrong or right" I gotta go where you are Yeah, Edith, right there.
Yeah.
As long as you understand it, you don't have to sing it, Edith.
Oh, I understand.
Oh, yeah.
And I ain't gonna think about it no more.
It's like you always say.
What was was, and what is is, and what's gonna be is gonna be.
And now is is.
And we ain't gonna worry about what's gonna be, and we're gonna forget about what was.
When did I say that? Oh, when we got rid of the roaches.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Edith, you're a pip.
You know that? You are a real pip.
All right, no time for refreshment now, Edith.
See, the customers here, they're all drying out from all of this here emotions.
Now, you said you come down here to work.
Oh, yeah.
So let's work.
All right.
Shake your tail for them, Edith, huh? I'll be glad to.
Yeah.
Thanks, Lord.
You relieveth my pain.
EDITH: Through the dark o' night I gotta go where you are Oh, Lord [SIGHS.]
Thou giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other.
Through the dark of night I gotta go where you are [.]
All In the Family was played to a studio audience for live responses.