American Dad s09e09 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Oh, my God, for my birthday! What a surprise! You guys! I almost had a heart attack! Okay, I got my birthday all planned out.
I want us all to drink a bunch of Four Lokos, then swim across the lake after midnight.
I really don't think it's that far across.
It looks real close.
Roger, didn't you just have a birthday a couple of months ago? Yeah, that's right.
You made us ride ATVs on Ted Nugent's ranch without his permission.
Fine, you caught me.
It's not my birthday.
But that's the only day of the year I can get you nervous Nellies to do anything adventurous.
So, who's in for the Loko lake swim? Look, Roger, we're all for trying new things, but that sounds too dangerous.
Yeah, if new things are so great, where have they been all this time? Well, well, well, what have we here? Discount coupons to the American Safety Museum?! Using these! Oh, look, they're doing an exhibit on Augustus Seatbelt, the inventor of the airbag.
Hello?! We're not going to any stupid safety museum.
Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? You guys will not believe what's in this towel.
A baby! A baby you gave birth to and you didn't even know you were pregnant! It just popped out on the lawn.
You thought you were just taking a "D" on the lawn, but surprise, it wasn't a deuce, it was a baby and it's in that towel! Show me that baby! No, it's a raccoon.
What did you do with your baby?! Look at this adorable guy! I'm gonna call him Cuddles after the cat he was eating when I found him.
Oh, my God, you won't do my dangerous birthday plan, but you're gonna let her keep a wild animal in the house? She got a pet.
I think it's nice.
Uch, forget this.
I'm gonna go do something on the edge like skydiving, or trying on underwear at Marshall's.
Oh, hey, Roger, there you are.
I wanted to ask your advice.
Finally! Someone who wants to hear what I have to say.
So I have a crush on this girl, but she only goes for jocks.
Well, she sounds too smart for you, Steve.
I suggest you find somebody else, 'cause you'll never be a jock.
That's it! I'll become a jock! You'll be as good a jock as you are a listener.
They should've listened to me.
That was an epic swim.
I think my favorite part was when that guy drowned trying to save me.
Now, if only there was a way I could remember this day forever.
Oh, my God, a red-light camera! Now if this light would just turn red, we'd have one hell of a picture.
Hey, come on! What are you waiting for? Blow it out your ass! Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.
Oh, my God, how long was I out? This long? Or this long? The first one.
Roger, I just want to tell you how happy we are that we didn't go along with your stupid plan.
Yes, if you weren't so easy to dismiss, we could be in here with you.
Mom, Dad, thank you for not listening to Roger.
Well, this has been a grand reunion.
Roger, you're awake, which means you're probably alive.
Let's check your vitals.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye! A body a lawsuit Doctor, I just had a vision.
You're being fired by a baby.
Well, that's impossible, unless it was Dr.
Baby, the baby who's in charge of this hospital.
But I assure you, your vision wasn't real.
It was nothing but a postcomatic delusion.
You just need a little more rest.
I think your family should probably leave.
I'm sorry, what? I thought you guys should go.
Yeah, so did we.
I swear, what I saw seemed so real.
I think you're gonna lose your job.
There's nothing to worry about.
I'm a dedicated professional with a spotless record You see, when I'm engaged with a patient, it's as if the whole world disappears around me.
Oh, no, the bad sound.
He's dead! This was clearly your fault, Doctor! Damn it! It's gonna take more than a game of peekaboo with Dr.
Baby to get out of this one.
Oh, my God, I was right! This was my vision! Ma'am? Ma'am, I was right.
I see you on a beach with a guy! I wouldn't dread hanging out with him.
Your new boyfriend has dreadlocks.
How dare you?! I'll never love anyone but my husband.
I'm here to gather the dead man, mon.
Whoa, you look sexy when you cry.
Really? No one's ever noticed that about me before.
How about I buy you a Red Stripe? And that's when I was sure that I could see the future.
Roger, the last time you thought you could see the future, you said that Rodney would have the best party.
But his parents came home early and ruined the whole thing.
It's here! One Rowflex and five containers of protein powder.
Thanks to all this, I'm about to become a jock! You're never gonna use any of that stuff! Of course I'm gonna use it! And I'm starting with a protein shake right now.
Mom? All right, give it to me.
I see a desperate man with a clip-on tie a set of keys Francine, you're getting a new car! That's ridiculous, Roger.
I just got a new car and I love it.
It's the same car that Matt Damon drove in We Bought a Zoo.
I like to drive around and pretend I have zoo problems.
"Oh, my God, what am I gonna do about my zoo?" Right? It's time! Everybody ready to go to the American Safety Museum? Interesting.
It says here autoerotic asphyxiation is the number one cause of awkward funerals.
Ooh, they have a picture? Oh, my God, you can't go! Horrible things will happen! Roger, what could happen? It's the Safety Museum.
Yeah, it's not like it's the Natural History Museum, full of dangerous ideas and attitudes.
Ignore him, Stan.
We can take my car.
You have to believe me! You're making a huge mistake! Were you talking to me? 'Cause I was only gonna try it this once.
I have a paper due in the morning.
You have been randomly selected for racial profiling.
Hoo-hoo-hoo, this is so real! Stan, this museum has some great exhibits.
Yeah, let's go check out the "Kobe Bryant Encounter.
" Do you want to come up to my hotel room? Sure! I think we should move on.
No, I know I can get this! Do you want to come up to my hotel room? As long as you have a T-shirt I can sleep in.
Forget it.
This is impossible.
Is this an exhibit, or is this just a wet floor? I don't know.
I just started.
The last tour guide got fired yesterday.
She was not happy.
Hey, there she is.
Hi, Helen! Safety off! We gotta get out of here! It's just a really good replica of an emergency exit! It's so accurate! This isn't real either! None of it's real! There are no actual safety precautions in this museum! What do we do?! I'll tell you what to do if you're ready to listen.
Roger! What are you doing here?! Don't worry, I know everything that's gonna happen.
Hayley, take the traffic cones and make them into a "U" over there! Francine, grab that wheelchair! Stan, get that fire extinguisher! Steve, put that bulletproof vest on! Wait a minute, shouldn't we all get vests? I wrote this 14 minutes ago, because in my vision, you asked me that exact stupid question.
Now do what I say! Oh, no, they're gonna trample us! Just stay behind the cones! Oh, my God, it hurts! Why didn't you just have me stand somewhere else?! Less fun.
Everybody climb on! Oh, my God, Roger, you saved Hold on.
Wait for it.
My car! And I'm pretty sure that warrants a trip to Cold Stone.
Roger, you were right about everything! We should have listened to you.
Oh, I'll accept your apology.
And the lanyard you made me at Camp Shoulda Woulda Coulda.
I can't believe that Roger can see the future.
Now hold on.
I don't know if it proves that.
You know that note I gave you? Turn it over.
This is my cell phone number.
Excuse me, Miss.
Are you all right? Light him up, girl.
He's not gonna call.
He thinks you could lose ten pounds.
But that's not why he doesn't call.
He dies in that fire.
So you didn't need to tell me about the ten pounds.
Somebody needed to tell you.
I can't believe Roger can predict the future.
Yeah, but, like, compared to people from the past, like, to them, like, we are the future to them.
I'm definitely feeling it now.
That was amazing, Roger! See what happens when you listen to me? He picked every horse! Roger's unbelievable! - He - Knew that you'd want to eat chili dogs for lunch.
And then he Knew in the third race it'd take three bullets to put down Daddy's Lucky Girl.
And now I'm Getting tired of me interrupting you? How did you Know? You just gave me goose bumps! I love it! Speaking of love, Roger, there's another girl in my class I think I have a pretty good shot with.
Oh? Well, allow me.
Come here, you Roger, what's so funny? Nothing.
I say go for it.
Hey, uh, I was gonna go take a dip in the pool.
How-how's that work out for me? Stan, I'm not wasting my gift on that.
Come on, Roger.
Touch it.
You drop a load in the pool.
Wait, no.
It's a Baby Ruth.
Wait, no.
That's a scene from Caddyshack which I'm trying to watch.
Do I end up watching it with you? Yes, and you annoy me the whole time with your questions.
Oh.
What kind of questions? Roger, am I gonna like this salad? Should I be taking smaller bites? Roger, am I about to say something funny? I want to say something funny.
Is that enough? Is is is-is that Is that too much? How how 'bout how 'bout now? Steve, dump that and get yourself another salad.
Why? Does something happen to me if I eat this salad? No, I'm just using common sense.
Well, can't you just have a vision so I can be sure? So it doesn't matter what I think? No, we don't care what you think, we care what you see.
Well, fine.
If that's all you're after Wait, where are you going? Should we go with you? Should I have even left the kitchen? Look, no more questions.
I need to take a thinkin' drive.
Wait, wait, you can't leave! I have homework tonight! Is it gonna be on the test tomorrow or can I blow it off? Should I take a bath tonight or will I fall asleep and drown? Do I have to go to the bathroom? Look, you guys are on your own.
I'm outta here.
At least let us come with you! No, you should you should you should probably stay here.
Why? Are we all gonna die if we come with you? Yes.
That.
You're all gonna die if you leave the house.
Slam that door if I get really rich soon! Oh, so close! Well, I wanted them to listen to me.
Didn't work out so well, though, did it? No, sir.
There might be a lesson to learn from this if I were the kind of guy who could learn lessons.
But lessons are not for me.
Lessons are for school boys.
School boys are for me! Red light! Ah, what a restful coma.
How long have I been out? Three weeks.
We would have been able to revive you sooner, but Dr.
Stack was the coma expert and he got fired and sued into poverty by a grieving widow and her Rastafarian fiancé.
Huh.
So can I get an orange juice, or is there a long-ass story about that, too? Lunch'll be here in 20 minutes.
You can wait till then.
Hmm.
Nice attitude.
Let's see how you die! Wait! I'm not getting any visions.
My powers are gone! But I haven't lost mine.
Mind Quad! Sounds like you're thirsty, friend.
I'm not gonna drink from the same glass as him.
He's gross.
So you had powers and now you lost them? It's like me.
In my country, I'm doctor.
Really? What kind of doctor? Dah, you caught me.
I'm lying.
What the Roger, thank God you're back! Everybody, Roger's back! Oh, Roger, what a relief! We don't have to be scared anymore.
Yeah, maybe we can leave the house now.
Wait a minute.
You haven't left the house in three weeks? You told us we'd all die if we did.
And all of your fortunes have come true! Huh.
I guess I did say that.
But how have you survived? It hasn't been easy.
The toilet paper ran out before the food, so that was gross.
But when we started eating the couch, we stopped needing toilet paper.
The stuffing wipes itself on the way out.
Okay, this is bad.
Wait, wait, where's Klaus? I'm right here.
Oh, my God, Klaus, you're living in your own filth.
I try not to talk so it doesn't get in my mouth.
Ugh, it got in my mouth.
Brissam beeginch? R-Rettehsat? Okay, what is that? Oh, in your absence Steve's forgotten English.
Eng Engrish.
How did my absence in any way affect Steve's handle on the English language? I haven't even been gone a month.
Steve Mo-onth.
All right, all right.
Before I left, I told you guys not to leave the house and you embraced it.
Now I'm telling you you'll die if you don't get out of this house.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't you want to have a vision, make sure it's safe? Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
Yes, my vision says you will be super safe.
Get out there! Soba slasha on Steve's right.
It's just the sprinklers.
Whoops.
Flaps flaps ze zap zap! It's not safe! It's not safe! We almost got killed.
Steve's right.
You lied to us.
Uch, you got me.
I lost my powers.
Now we can go back to our normal lives.
Isn't that great? No, it's not great! Without your powers, we have no idea what dangers are lurking outside this house! Yeah, but there is nothing you can do about it.
How useless was that Costco five-pack of hammers now, Francine? Look, I'm helping! You guys, listen Oh, my God, what was that? I don't know! Let's hide in the basement! Steve, your English is back.
Oh, I was just doing that to make you guys laugh.
My protein powder! There are tracks in it.
We got tracks! Somebody used my Rowflex! And it's set to the highest strength level.
Cuddles! I forgot about him.
He must've escaped.
Wait a minute.
You don't think he got into my protein powder and then started and stuck with a hard-core workout regimen, do you? Oh, God, how big do you think he could have gotten? Hmm, I'd say about eight feet tall.
Oh, how do you know? Did you have a vision of it? He's standing right there.
Run! You know what? I think we can make this work.
We'll just all live here the rest of our lives.
I call the tub! You guys are ready to live the rest of your lives in this bathroom? Sounds like someone's jealous of my tub.
Don't you guys get it? Even if we could stay alive in here, what kind of life would that be? Life is risky, but you have to get out there and take chances anyway.
Why should we listen to you? Well, maybe he's right.
I mean, we can't go through life without taking any risks.
Yeah, it's like when Eddie Murphy picked up that prostitute.
But that was a man.
And he had a marvelous time.
I'm just asking you to listen to me this once.
Okay.
But how are we gonna fight a giant raccoon? We don't have to fight it.
All we have to do is get out of the house.
Quick, get the boards off the door.
We could really use those hammers now, to pull these nails out.
Anybody see one? Quick, everybody link arms.
He'll think we're a bigger animal.
Hmm? Wait, Steve, that's good.
Ow, ow! Ah! Keep doing that! Keep doing what?! He thinks you're food.
That'll distract him long enough for us to get the boards off.
Ow, ow! What if he bites off my arm? That's the risk! That's the risk we're all taking! Yah! He had a weirdly good body.
I guess we owe you a "thanks," Roger.
It seems like knowing what the future holds can really keep you from living in the present.
Yeah, maybe sometimes it's not a bad idea to listen to Roger.
Damn right! Now, let's cover ourselves in honey and run through Old Man McGuilicutty's bear farm.
This is not one of those times.
Hey, can you drop me off at the hospital? No, sorry, I don't see that happening.
I'm kidding.
Come on, let's go, kid.
Hey, hey, why you smacking your tushie? Why you smacking your tushie? Why you doing that? Stop, stop! Stop it!