Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e09 Episode Script

1 [Folksy music.]
[Jase.]
All right, look, we're almost here.
This whole, you hear it buzzing before you get to it.
- Huh? - It buzzes.
I don't think that's a good sound, boys.
Look, look at 'em, look at all those bees.
[Godwin.]
I know, I see 'em up there.
[Si.]
We're gonna get stung is what's gonna happen.
Hold on.
Let me get up here under this thing.
- Si.
- What? - Don't answer my phone.
- Hello.
- Si.
- Hey! [Si.]
Your woman sounds upset for some reason.
- Say what, Missy? - What's she saying? Something about your son had broke down on the highway somewhere in a van.
- [Jase.]
He don't have a van.
- Oh, no, yeah, he does.
Tell her we'll come pick him up after we get finished fishing.
Hey, Jase said he ain't got time for you and Reed's problem.
- I didn't say that.
- Hey, I'll tell him.
Hey, she said you get your butt down there and pick Reed up at The Muffler Shop.
Don't answer my phone again.
My son Reed is living in Nashville where he's trying to make it as a musician and a singer.
He's coming in 'cause we're having a release party.
He's being released from jail? [Laughing.]
His record release.
What I don't know is why he's calling me from a body shop.
He's gonna sing.
We're gonna have a concert, and then we're gonna get together for the after-party.
- I'm in.
- Are we eating? Yeah, we're eating good.
But I'm pretty sure there were some bad decisions made at some point.
- What are we having? - Well, we're gonna cook fish as soon as we get up under that beehive.
- No.
- Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
- Listen to me.
- [Si.]
Good grief! - Here we go.
- I'm hit.
- He's hit.
- That's it, I'm outta here, and I'm taking my pole with me.
Martin, crank that motor up, and let's go.
I'm fixin' to get outta here alive, boys.
[Rock music.]
[Quacking.]
[Si.]
The Muffler Shop? - [Jase.]
Let's go check it out.
- [Godwin.]
He's back in town.
There he is, hey.
He's changed a lot, ain't he? He has.
Boy, you done grown up.
- You got some new tattoos? - Oh, yeah.
- What is this? - This is a compass.
I'm a traveling man, that's why I got the van.
- That's it? - Yeah.
Is this really your van? - Oh, yeah.
- And you bought it? - I bought it.
- You bought that? - Yeah.
- It's got a dream catcher in it.
Whatever you paid for it, I don't even wanna know.
- 5,000.
- $5,000? $5,000? - [Jase.]
You paid $5,000 for that? - I got a steal.
Did they tell you there were 3,000 hidden in it somewhere? Hey, look, Reed needs a hippie intervention, okay? 'Cause the last thing you want is a hippie-redneck crossover.
The hippies are back in town, boys.
Hey, you talk about an identity crisis? This boy's gonna have one.
Next thing it'll be, he'll have flowers in his hair, and everything he says, it'll be, "Peace, baby, hey.
" [Si.]
You want peace? Hey, I'll give you a piece of my mind.
"Make love, not war.
" And while I'm at it I might as well slap the fire outta you.
Hey, come at me, hippie.
I'll give you a little slappie.
I think this is the beginning stages of winding up living in a van down by the river.
Uh-oh, here we go.
You want the bad news or the worse news? - Give it to me.
- All right.
Man, you got a rolling time bomb here.
You got some bad wheel bearings.
Brake cylinder on the left front is bad.
The motor in the back, you've got a spark plug that's blown out of the cylinder.
The motor's gonna have to be replaced.
The whole motor? Whole motor's gotta be replaced 'cause you're running too hot.
How much this gonna hit him for? You're looking in upwards of about $3,400.
[Laughing.]
Thirty-four - [Si.]
Whoa! - [Laughter.]
- Talk about hippie! - Beep-beep.
[Rock music.]
[Jep.]
Dude, look at that tooth.
Look at it.
Let me see.
[Willie.]
It's barely hanging on.
[Korie.]
You can tie a string to it.
- No.
- No? [Laughing.]
I bet Willie could pull that thing out.
Let me snatch that thing out real quick.
- No.
- [Jep.]
You better watch out, Willie.
Hey.
I've been trying to teach River some moves.
Wrestling moves.
- How cute.
- I want him to learn jujitsu, but I think he's a little young for that.
He should just do wrestling.
They have it at the school now.
- Isn't that dangerous? - No.
It's not just, like, in the backyard.
- Yeah, it teaches them discipline.
- I think I'd be cool.
[Jep.]
Look, River spends a lot of time with his sisters, so I wanna make sure he gets a good dose of boy stuff while he's young.
I'd like him to be, like, the perfect weapon.
I want him to know MMA moves wrestling.
[whooshing sounds.]
- Ninja training.
- I really want him to learn piano.
- No.
- No.
That's way down on the list.
- I'm the perfect weapon.
- That's what I'm talking about.
So I got him on a healthy diet of Seagal and Van Damme movies.
River, do you have some moves? He's got the River of Pain.
- It's a kick to the shin.
- Street skills, I like that.
[Jep.]
My goal is for River to grow up just like me.
Just your average gentlemanly ninja karate machine.
[Makes pumping sound.]
My friend Kurt's coming in.
- He knows all about wrestling.
- Really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
He's big time.
- That's cool.
He can teach him some stuff.
- Heck, yeah.
- That's cool.
River, you wanna start wrestling? Yeah.
All right, we'll set it up tomorrow.
We'll get your first wrestling lesson.
It's gonna be great.
[Willie.]
Remember we used to wrestle in the backyard? Yep.
Hey, I still have the championship belt.
- No way.
- You wanna see it? Yes, I wanna see that.
[Willie.]
Wrestling was a huge part of our lives growing up.
We used to eat, sleep, and dream wrestling.
I used to think his belt was the coolest thing in the world.
- Oh, my goodness.
- There you go.
- Oh - Shoot! It doesn't fit you anymore, big boy.
Seriously, though.
We lost bunk bed privileges 'cause we were using them to perform double axe handles and suplexes.
- Let me try it on, Willie.
- You had your chance, son.
The matches would last days, or at least until Jep started crying.
Would be mine if we wrestled now.
- [Scoffs.]
No.
- My bet's on Jep.
- No.
- I wanna wear it.
You ain't gonna wear this sucker.
It's not for little pipsqueaks.
You ain't got enough beans in your little River pants.
Get it, Bubba.
Get it, River, get it.
[All exclaiming.]
Reinforcements.
The River of Pain.
The River of Pain.
[Laughter.]
[Jep.]
Get him.
[Rock music.]
[Missy.]
Hey! Well, well, well.
Look at you.
I picked up a hitchhiker.
Who are you? The Artist Formally Known as Our Son.
Oh, so glad you're home.
- Hey, Mia.
- Hi, Reed.
Well, your hair has gotten really long.
- It's gotten long.
- So, tell me about these tattoos.
- Oh, I got these for free.
- How? The artist was a big fan of my music, so Oh.
He's grown up, babe, it's part of the process I know, you just look really different.
I'm just having to get used to it.
[Missy.]
We've always heard other people say, "Your kids are gonna grow up in the blink of an eye.
" - This is the new one right here.
- [Jase.]
It's a harp.
You don't play the harp.
But to actually see it happen can be sometimes overwhelming.
- I'm trying to express myself.
- Oh, you're doing it.
It's a lot to deal with.
But watching them pursue their dreams, that's what matters.
- What? - He has earrings, too.
Oh, my goodness.
That and not getting a face tattoo.
I don't think I could handle it.
I got some new songs that I wanna play at the record release party tonight.
You'll see that I've come a long way, and it's all gonna be okay.
I'm with you, I'm just saying, the van What's the deal with your vehicle? I made a really good investment.
I'm gonna disagree with him on that.
- What are you talking about? - It's a 1969 Volkswagen van.
Cool! - It's not cool? - It is cool.
- It is cool.
- It would be cool if it ran.
But it doesn't run.
- It blew up.
- Okay.
I think we should just rethink this whole van.
Boom! She gone.
Every kid makes mistakes when they're growing up.
When I was 20, I wrecked my dad's truck.
And that was just one mistake.
But it was really big.
I need this to tour around in.
I can save tons of money on hotels.
It has a bed in it, I can sleep in there.
That's what makes us who we are, dumb mistakes.
You can sleep in the Walmart parking lot for free.
Oh, my goodness.
This is making me a lot more nervous.
Despite his poor choice in vehicles, I think Reed's gonna turn out to be just fine.
So what's the plan? You gotta fix it.
You're the one that bought it.
I would've said [blows raspberry.]
Is it safe? Baby, it was built in 1969.
Did they have seatbelts back then? No, it doesn't have seatbelts in it.
There's some duct tape that's, like What? No.
Heck, no.
I didn't have a seatbelt, so - Oh, you put that in there? - Yeah.
Well, now, that's being resourceful.
- [Missy.]
Oh, no.
- [Reed.]
Thank you.
[Rock music.]
[Jep.]
Where's your buddy Kurt? [Willie.]
He's coming.
He'll be here in a second.
Yep, touch your toes.
- Willie.
- What's up? - There he is.
- How you doing, my friend? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.
- Willie, it's Kurt Angle.
- How you doing, Jep? Dude, you know my name.
Yeah, yeah, Willie told me.
Oh.
Still awesome, though.
I told you he was coming.
You didn't say Kurt Angle.
You said Kurt.
Dude, I'm a huge fan.
Okay.
Not only did you win the gold medal in the Olympics, you were a 14-time World Wrestling Champion.
- Yep.
- Jep, he knows what he's done.
[Jep.]
It is so cool that Willie made it possible for me to meet Kurt Angle.
My dad has a poster of you.
Your dad? - Nice.
- Yes.
And for River to learn how to wrestle.
Of course.
You mind signing something for me? Sure.
What are their names? It's not for them.
It's for me.
- Oh, good grief.
- Oh.
[Jep.]
I know everything there is to know about this guy.
Not in a creepy way or anything.
Yes.
There you go, Jep.
Yes! I'll never wash it.
That's a little weird.
Yeah.
Kurt Angle is an American hero.
And more importantly, he's my hero.
All right, so Kurt's gonna show these kids a little bit about wrestling.
I'm the perfect weapon.
- He just kicked you, man.
- Yeah, he did.
It's called the River of Pain right there.
- The River of Pain? - Yeah, that's his move.
[Willie.]
I'll show him a river of pain.
[Rock music.]
[Bell dinging.]
[Kurt.]
I'm gonna teach you a wrestling stance.
I want you to get in a square stance like this.
I want you to squat with your legs.
Now give me a tough face, like a [growls.]
- There you go, good.
- How cool are his boots? Now I want you to move.
Slide step.
- Where do you get those boots, Kurt? - I'm sorry? Where do you get boots like that? The gold "Boots"? These are wrestling shoes, man.
We don't have boots in amateur wrestling.
They're just awesome.
That's all I'm saying.
Jep, there's man crush, and then there's what you're doing right now, which is just weird.
I should've known that this would be way too much for Jep to handle.
Hey, guys, time-out.
Do you, like, lotion tan, or do you, like - [Willie.]
Jep.
- Is he serious? No, he's not serious.
Go ahead.
I mean, it's embarrassing, even for Jep.
Hey, Kurt, what you benching these days? How do you move your neck if you broke it five times? How much protein do you take each day, in grams? Come on, Dad! You're embarrassing me.
He's about one more weird comment away from a restraining order.
Or a headlock.
Yeah, we wrestled quite a bit when we were younger.
- You and Willie? - Yeah.
Like hardcore.
[Kurt.]
You don't wrestle anymore? Nah, he's scared.
I'm grown up now.
I'm scared.
I'm not scared.
I just hadn't thought of the idea, but - Are you scared? - No, I'm not scared.
- Are you actually scared, Willie? - No, I'm not scared.
Why would I be scared? Nobody in the history of Jep, has ever been scared of Jep, including me.
[Kurt.]
Well, I was just thinking we're in the wrestling spirit.
Why don't you put the title up for grabs? Maybe you two could go at it.
I don't know.
That sounds stupid to me.
But I'm a little concerned about injuring myself.
My shoulder's kind of messed up, and I got a little touch of the tennis elbow.
- Tennis elbow? - Yeah.
Killing me.
Really? I won a gold medal with a broken neck.
I think you'll be all right.
I mean, hey, I used to be the hare.
Now I'm entering into my tortoise phase of life.
When Kurt says you wrestle, you wrestle.
I'm starting to like this guy.
I knew you would.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Without hurting yourself.
What do you think? Two brothers going at it for the tin foil title.
All right, I'm in.
Jep, you're fixing to get your butt kicked.
Oh, God! You little sucker.
[Kurt.]
Nice kick, River.
Good job, buddy.
The River of Pain strikes again.
[Rock music.]
[Applause.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Welcome to Reed Robertson's album release concert.
Y'all fired up? [Cheering continues.]
The Rhett Walker Band is here.
[Cheering continues.]
Mac Powell and his band, they're in town.
So without further ado, are y'all ready to hear some music? Play "Free Bird.
" Go.
Reed, come do your thing.
How you guys doing tonight? Good! All right.
This is a song called "I'll Be the One.
" [Cheering continues.]
[Soft rock music.]
From the setting sun to the breaking dawn And through the darkness though the night is long If you ever need somebody, I'll be the one [Missy.]
At 20 years old, Reed has come a long way.
I mean, I would've never dropped everything and moved to Nashville.
So it scares me a little bit to think about what he's doing.
And if you lose your way and you can't hold on I'll be right beside you, take my outstretched arm If you ever need somebody [Missy.]
He knows that it's gonna take a lot of work to pull this off, and he's ready to do it.
And I'll live my life for you I'll fight for you, I'll die for you It's me and you no matter what may come And I'll walk through fire for you if you want me to I swear it's true, you can call me crazy But I just call it love If you ever need somebody, I'll be the one - [music ends.]
- [Applause, cheering.]
Thank you.
So right now, this is what we're gonna do, I'm gonna have my buddy Rick come back up here.
[Applause, cheering.]
And we'll have Mac Powell come up here.
[Applause, cheering.]
We're gonna sing you guys a song.
You're gonna know it, so sing along.
Y'all help us out, put them hands together, come on.
[Soft rock music.]
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me [Si.]
Sing it, you redneck hippie! [Rock music.]
[Fireworks whistling, popping.]
[Kurt.]
All right, gentlemen, are you ready? The rules are: No eye gouging, no biting, no fish hooks, no cages, no chairs, no beard pulling, and no suplexes.
- What? - Do we understand the rules? - Yes, sensei.
- Hey, we'll just do pro style.
All right, gentlemen.
When I blow this whistle, the match will start.
Are we ready? [Blows whistle.]
- [Grunting.]
- [Cheering.]
There's two points.
And another two points.
He's fighting off his back.
He's still not pinned.
- [Grunting.]
- And he kicks out.
- Daddy, go! - The score is four to nothing.
Come on, guys.
Let's go! Let's go.
Start fighting.
[Breathing heavily.]
One second.
You guys can't be tired already.
Come on, guys.
[Jep.]
With Willie gassed, I think it's the perfect time to serve up a little Jepalaya.
Go, Dad! However, I may have got a little ahead of myself when I agreed to fight out of my weight class.
Go! [Distorted grunting.]
Daddy! Oh! [Distorted shouting.]
But it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
He's done, son, he's done.
- Ow! - River of Pain.
[Screams.]
One, two, three! - Yeah! - Good pin.
- [Groaning.]
- [Cheering.]
Time out.
I got kicked from behind.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You said you wanted to do pro style.
You wanted it, you got it.
It's under protest.
- Winner and new champion, Jep! - Yes.
- [Screaming.]
- [Cheering.]
[Coughs.]
I hope those screams haunt you at night.
That was awesome, dude.
Boom.
I feel like crying, but I'm not going to.
Not in front of my kids.
- Dad.
- I won't do it, buddy.
Not in front of you.
But I might later.
[Soft rock music.]
- All right, Reed, come out here.
- All right.
Your daddy and I need to talk to you.
Am I in trouble or something? - You'll find out.
- Reed, look.
- Here's the deal.
- Having a meeting.
I'm all for you going on tour and singing.
This van is the problem.
You cannot drive around in an unreliable and unsafe vehicle.
I'm just not gonna allow it.
Well, what am I supposed to do? [Jase.]
We came up with a compromise.
Okay.
You wanna see? - Sure.
- All right, let's go.
Mia, you coming? Yeah.
All right, Reed.
Y'all washed the van.
I drove it through a car wash.
You drove it? New engine, Reed.
Whoa! New engine, and Whoa! We changed it from the inside out.
I always thought when they're 18, my job is done.
That is so not true.
- Wow, this is awesome.
- We got you new seat covers.
You got new brakes.
Sometimes they need you more than ever during this phase of life.
- Look, guitar hook.
- Same carpet.
Bacteria-free carpet.
- It was clean before.
- No, it wasn't.
- Don't push it.
- Yeah, it wasn't clean.
- Yeah.
- No.
It's moments like this that make parenting great.
Not only do I get to do what's right for Reed.
Let me show you my favorite feature.
New seatbelts.
These are a little bit better than duct tape.
Yeah.
I also get to help him pursue his dreams.
Thanks so much, guys, thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Least we could do.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
In your honor, my next tattoo, - I'll get y'all's faces on my leg.
- No! [Jase.]
Maybe one on each leg.
- One on each cheek.
- Uh-oh.
Nobody'll ever see it but your wife.
That'll be weird.
All right, let's pray.
Dear Lord, I just wanna thank You for my family and how supportive they've been, Lord.
And I just wanna thank You for my parents, because I couldn't do this without them.
In Jesus' name we pray.
- Amen.
- [All.]
Amen.
[Chattering.]
[Willie.]
Every child grows at a different pace.
Some people like Reed grow up fast and move on quickly, while others like Jep take a little longer to mature and stay mama's boys well into their 30s.
Part of growing up is making choices on who you wanna be.
So whether your kids wanna do the things you enjoy, like wrestling, or take their own path and wind up living in a van down by the river, it's important for your children to know that no matter where life takes them, they still have their family to fall back on.
Was blind but now I see [cheering.]
[Si.]
Hey, play us another song there, hippie man.