Everybody Loves Raymond s09e09 Episode Script

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hello.
Hi.
Oh, Hank and Pat.
Hi, Debra.
Hi, Ray.
l didn't know you guys were in town.
Yes, Amy and Robert are taking us sightseeing.
Yeah, gonna show 'em the Big Apple, and get away from Mom and Dad for five hours.
We got to see Peter's apartment for the first time.
- How's Peter doing? - He's doing great.
Mom, what's wrong? l'm sorry.
lt's just that Peter's really not doing great.
What's the matter? Mother's concerned because Peter is an unkempt layabout who constantly disappoints us, that's all.
He lost the lease on his comic book store, and now he just sells everything out of that apartment, and he never leaves.
lt was almost lunchtime, and he was still in his Green Lantern pajamas.
We had hoped that getting his own place might mean that Peter would find a wife and start a family.
Poor Peter.
l just wish he could be as happy as l am.
Maybe he just needs a little advice-- you know, man to man.
That is a great idea.
Ray, maybe you could go over and you know, talk to him.
Me? Well, about what? Perhaps you could encourage him to get out there and meet someone.
Yes, we all know how much he looks up to you.
He's over there right now.
You know, l would, but it's Sunday, and l'm very busy with my worship.
But Peter's running out of time.
l'm afraid his manly charms are starting to fade.
l'm sure the Lord wouldn't mind if you were to miss just one Mass if you were to save one of his lost lambs.
Okay, all right, l guess l can stop by on my way to church.
- Thank you, Ray.
- Okay.
And, Robert, we still need you to be our tour guide.
Of to the cit.
Tight grip on that purse, Mother.
Maybe when you're done with Peter, you can heal a leper.
Great.
l gotta do this now, right? Well, you know what? Why don't you tell Peter to come Friday night? No, we don't want him over here.
No, listen.
l'll just invite a bunch of my single friends.
We'll have a cocktail part and l'll match him up.
A cocktail part? No no no.
l'm not putting on a tuxedo and walking around all night going, ''Cheerio, guv'nor.
'' No, forget it.
Cocktail part.
You want a cocktail part? Have a couple drinks, and when l'm done, l'll swing by and maybe you'll get lucky.
Maybe l'll meet somebody at the part.
Ray! Hi! Hi, hi, Peter.
Welcome to ''Peter's Apartment of Comics''.
Thanks.
Thanks.
How's business? Not good.
No, most of my customer base is still in Pennsylvania, and they can't get their moms to drive 'em here.
l'm so excited you're here.
Come on in.
This is terrific.
Well, yeah, l can't-- can't stay too long.
Ally's got a thing, and the twins got this other thing.
How are the little nipperkins? Good.
Yeah yeah.
No, they're good.
How are you doing? You know, how you like it in Robert's old place? - Love it.
- Great.
Great, okay, good.
Well, uh so how's it going with the ladies? l mean, now that you got this awesome bachelor pad? Well, l don't know.
To be honest with you, Ray, when it comes to the ladies, l have rather high standards.
You do? Yes, l do.
You see, l'm a DC Comics man, and if the woman is into Marvel, well, then it's ''See ya!'' Oh, who am l kidding? Women hate me.
What? No no, l'm sure they don't hate you.
l'm sure there's a woman out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know something, Ray? When l first moved here, l said, ''Okay, l am tired of being Mr.
Lonely Jeans.
'' So l went down to that bar down the street, and there were women there, and l sat for, like, two hours, and l finally force myself to go up to somebody and say, ''Hey, how are you doing?'' And she said, ''Um, fine.
'' And then the woman turned to her friends and said, ''But l'm not desperate.
'' And l just, you know, stood there while they laughed.
And then l just-- l walked home.
You wanna go to a cocktail part? What? Yeah, that's why l came by, to invite you to my fun cocktail part.
- That's nice, Ray, but-- - No no, listen, Peter.
l know what you're going through.
l understand.
l could never get a girl either.
Oh, please.
We both know that's crazy, you good-looking son of a bitch.
No, l'm telling you, you gotta just keep trying.
When l saw Debra the first time, l was scared to talk to her.
But l forced myself, just like you did to the mean lady in the bar.
Only in this case, l got to marry the mean lady.
All right.
Here's your club soda.
You're all set.
Why couldn't you just hire a bartender? The girl over there wanted a Singapore Sling.
l don't know what the hell that is.
l'm not Asian.
Well, would you rather have Amy's job keeping Mom occupied over there, watching a three-hour opera video? Yeah, l didn't think so, all right? So just mix some drinks, or l'll demote you to coat rack.
l'll be making you a ''saliva'' Colada.
Um, Ray? Who are those women you invited? That's, uh it's Andy's sister and Robert's friend from the morgue, yeah.
- What? - They just don't seem very outgoing.
Well, l can't wait for the part animals from your book club to show up.
Hello.
- Ray, look.
- Yeah.
How about that? No more freaky-deaky.
Hey, Peter.
Oh my gosh, you look so Normal.
Well, thanks.
You know, Ray suggested nose-hair clippers, and that kind of got the ball rolling.
Come on, let's get you a drink.
He will be back in a minute, ladies.
Robert, set him up.
Well, l think l will have a sloe gin fizz, barkeep.
You'll have a beer.
This is great.
We got us a little shindig here.
Agh! Hello, Ally's dad.
Hello, Peggy.
Oh, Peggy, hi.
Come on in.
Well, she can't.
We have people.
Yes, and l invited her.
Hey, Ray, isn't that the cookie lady, the one who beat you up? Yes.
No, l mean, it's her, but she didn't beat me up.
Yeah, right.
Doesn't Debra know that you hate her? Of course.
Gotta love Debra.
Ray, Ray.
- Who is that? - No no no no no.
Hey, l want you to meet my friend Leslie.
- Carol.
- Carol, Carol.
Yeah, Carol's my buddy Andy's sister.
Yeah, and the good part is she doesn't look anything like Andy.
Ha ha.
All right, let's have a drink.
Let's drink.
Hey, Peter, you know, Peggy's into science fiction.
- Really? - l'm sure Carol's into science fiction too.
She wears glasses.
Excuse me.
So, um Hi.
You're a scienceficionado as well, huh? Yeah, well, more so in college.
But l did just finish reading ''Double Star'' by Robert Heinlein.
Do you know him? l have a statue of him.
Ah.
Well, l certainly enjoyed the book.
l'm Peggy.
- Oh, hi, l'm Peter.
- Oh, hi.
lt's nice to meet you.
Really, the pleasure is all mine.
Aah.
So, why don't you two sit down? - All right.
- Want to? Hey hey, why did you invite her? What if they start dating? We already have enough horrible people in this family.
Would you stop? Robert, can you get Peggy a drink? Of course! Raymond, your bartender's gonna be mixing up a little love potion.
Okay, don't let me interrupt you two.
This is just some deviled eggs, you two devils.
What are you doing? - What are you doing? - What? You got a million single loser friends, and you gotta invite my sworn enemy? Just because Peggy's a strong woman and doesn't take any crap.
Get over it.
And by the way, this is not about what's best for you.
This is about what is best for Peter.
l know, and what's best for Peter is not to go out with a she-beast who once tried to beat me up.
Ray, l was there.
She did beat you up.
Very funny.
That's very funny.
Go on, just say that and walk in there.
Well, you're not the only one who can walk in there.
So can l get you two anything else? Debra, this is the funniest thing.
We just realized that we were both at the same science fiction convention in 1986.
You know what? l bet you saw me there.
l was Yoda.
l was Princess Leia! Aw, look at these two, Ray.
lt's kismet.
Hello, dears.
Oh, what's all this? Hi, the opera tape broke.
- Marie, Frank, hi.
- l'm sorry, Debra.
l had no idea you were having a part, because l wasn't invited.
You know, we wanted to invite you, but we didn't think it was your kind of part.
l see booze.
You know what? Why don't you just take a bottle and go? Hey, Ray, get 'em a bottle of anything they want.
Oh, no, l mean, why can't they stay, Debra? Huh? They're fun people.
Why can't my charming parents sit down and delight us with their comments and opinions? Look, l'm sorry, but this part is kind of just for people who are looking for a spouse.
l'm in.
Hello, ladies.
That's right, Dad, there's lots of ladies here.
Here.
Why don't you sit down? Sit down and just talk to talk to people.
And, you know, don't be afraid to eat eggs in front of everybody.
Debra, is this what you're serving? Oh, don't worry.
l'll save your part.
Hey, Peter, you're all cleaned up.
What did you do, join a cult? Wow, Dad, that's rude.
Don't you got anything to say to Peggy? Hey, the cookie lady with a little makeup.
Good for you.
Oh, boy.
Dad, that is extremely inappropriate.
l wouldn't blame Peggy is she just stormed out the door right now.
- Ray.
- What is with him? What's your problem, stupid? Hey, Ma, why don't you come in here and talk to everybody? No no no, Marie, you just stay in there and fix my bad cooking.
Okay, dear.
l got it.
Nobody move.
lt's going swimmingly.
Agh! Hello, Roberto.
Stefania.
Stefania? What are you doing here? ls tonight not the part? No.
No, it is.
lt's just you're Stefania.
Don't be rude, Robert.
l invited her.
But why her? Well, why not her? She's nice and single.
But she's my Stefania.
l mean-- l mean, she's my ex-Stefania.
No no, l mean you're my Stefania now.
Baby.
l need a drink.
Come on in.
Let me take your coat.
Grazie.
- l'm outta here.
- Me too.
Okay, bye, ladies.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, Stefania.
What a nice surprise.
lt's like everyone was invited except me.
What were you thinking, inviting her here? l thought Peter might like her.
Of course he'll like her.
Look at her! Not that l'm looking.
ls everything all right? From where l sit, fantastic.
Everything's great, yeah.
We're just getting to know everybody and let me introduce you.
Peter, l want to introduce you to a friend of mine-- Stefania.
She's from ltaly, which, incidentally, is the land of amore.
Hello.
Hi.
l'm Peter.
lt's a pleasure to meet you.
So, what other sci-fi writers are you into? Well, Bradbury, of course.
- Peter, Peter, Peter.
- What? Ray, Peggy and Peter are talking.
- Yes yes, l know, l know, but, Peter-- - What? We are talking.
Peter, did you know that Peggy beat me up once? - Ray.
- What? Yeah, real bad.
Will you please just get over that? Whoa whoa whoa.
Did you see that? You gotta watch the temper on that one, Peter.
No, you don't.
Look, they got in an argument one time that was a little heated.
l think it's hilarious that you beat Ray up, 'cause you're a girl.
Well, listen, it wasn't easy.
Ray is quite a girl himself.
- Hey, she's funny.
- No no no.
Are you finished sticking your nose into our conversation, or does that thing just get stuck in every conversation? Anybody want bruschetta? Peter, l forbid you to see this woman.
Ray, what is your problem? We're just having fun.
No no, she's not fun.
She's mean, and l forbid you to marry a mean lady.
Wait.
Marry? - Ray, would you stop it? - No, l will not stop it, Debra.
And by the way, this is my house, and my nose can go wherever it wants Okay.
You know what? Fine.
- l'm just gonna go.
- You see, Debra? This is what happens when you let people get hungry.
Peggy, please, wait.
No no, let her go.
Godspeed, Peggy.
What is wrong with you? You are ruining this for Peter.
l am not.
You don't care about Peter.
You just want her here so she can torture me, because ''She's a strong lady who doesn't take any crap.
'' No, wait wait wait wait.
You know what? What is wrong with that? ln fact, l would love it if Peggy and Peter got married, 'cause l could use another strong woman around here.
Ohh-hh, l get it now.
This is not about me.
You want another soldier in the fight against your enemy.
Who's that? You are ruining this for Peter! - Okay, that's it.
l'm just gonna go.
- No, Peggy, don't go yet.
You know what? lt was really nice to meet you, but l came here for a drink, not an arranged marriage.
But you have all been lovely.
Good night.
Peggy, wait.
Don't go yet.
Peggy, l'm not like these people.
They're freaks.
What is wrong with you? Don't give me that.
l just saved this man's life.
No, you didn't.
Peggy was perfect for him.
- No, she was perfect for you.
- She was perfect for everyone.
You see, Peter, this is why you don't get married.
l guess you're right, Ray.
l guess l should probably just live the rest of my life alone.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
lt's bad enough you ruined my life but you had to do the same to my brother-in-law? You are a selfish ass who walks among regular humans.
But now it is time for everyone to see the truth, that you are ass.
Listen, don't tell Amy, but Stefania's here.
- Hey, Peter.
- Hello.
Listen, l'm sorry.
l'm really sorry.
l really screwed up.
l have problems with certain women.
Like Peggy.
And my wife.
And my mom.
But listen, for whatever it's worth, l'll do whatever it takes to help you meet another woman.
l'd rather you didn't.
Agh! Peggy.
Wha-- l'm sorry, the store's closed.
Ooh, Princess Leia.