Friends s09e09 Episode Script

This kitty is Mittens.
This one is Fitzhugh.
And this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
That's a lot of cats, Jo Lynn.
Single, are you? Chandler Bing.
How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your crazy assistant? What's up, Joe? What have we always wanted to do together? Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach? No.
No.
No.
When you get home tomorrow night you and I are gonna be at the Wizards-Knicks game, courtside! - Courtside? Oh, my God! - Yeah! Maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee! That is so cool.
I'll let Monica know.
- Hello? - Joey just called.
He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
But tomorrow night's the only night I get off from the restaurant.
If you go, we won't have a night together for a week.
But honey, it's courtside! The cheerleaders will be right in That's not the way to convince you.
I don't wanna be one of those wives that says: "You can't go to the game.
You have to spend time with me.
" So if you could just realize it on your own I know.
You're right.
I wanna see you too.
I gotta figure out a way to tell Joey.
He's looking forward to it.
Tell him you haven 't seen your wife in a long time.
Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.
Tell him that what little time we have together is precious.
I'll think of something.
The One With Rachel's Phone Number mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 You look I mean, it's just That dress Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
They're good.
It's just been a while since I've seen you like this.
You clean up good.
Really? Well, thank you.
Okay, stop looking at me like that.
- Last time that happened, that happened.
- Right, right.
So are you excited about your first night away from Emma? Yeah, yeah.
Phoebe and I are gonna have so much fun.
- Thank you for watching the baby.
- It's fine.
Actually, I invited Mike over.
- Phoebe's Mike? - Yeah.
- I didn't know you hung out.
- We don't but I'd like to get to know him.
Maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
That's so cute.
Ross and Mike's first date.
Will that be awkward? What are you gonna talk about? I don't know.
But you know, we have a lot in common, you know? He plays piano.
I played keyboards in college.
He's been divorced.
I have some experience in that area.
- Yeah? - Hi! Girl's night out indeed.
So I think Emma is probably down for the night but if you need anything - We'll be fine.
- You go have fun.
- Okay, you too.
- Thanks.
- And I hope you score.
- Okay.
Bye.
- Bye.
So, welcome.
- I got beer.
- I got bottled breast milk.
- Why don't we start with the beer.
- Okay.
- So Phoebe tells me you play piano.
- Yeah.
You know, I used to play keyboards in college.
Do you have one here? No.
Okay.
You know, I'm divorced.
Phoebe Phoebe says you're You've been divorced? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't really like to talk about it.
That's okay.
We'll talk about something else.
- So you're a paleontologist, right? - Yeah.
My cousin's a paleontologist.
Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
- Welcome home.
- Well, look at you.
Yeah.
What do you think? Well, it looks great.
It's just I'm wearing the same thing underneath, so You see what I mean? Hey! How come your door's locked? - Just a second! - No, no, no! - Joey can't know I'm here.
- Why not? I didn't want to say I couldn't go to the game so I told him I had to stay in Tulsa.
- So you lied to him? It's always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.
Except with you.
Hey, open the door! What's going on? - What are you? - Hi.
Why are you dressed like that? Because Chandler's gonna be home in a couple of days so I thought I would just, you know, practice the art of seduction.
I thought I heard a man's voice before.
No, I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.
You know, like, "Hi, how do I look?" "Really sexy.
Could I be any more turned on?" You know? Okay.
Wait a minute.
Why are there two glasses of wine out? Because one of them is for you! Cheers! Okay, bye-bye.
You know, it's funny.
I've been practicing the art of seduction myself.
- You might wanna keep practicing.
- Yeah.
- It's Joey.
- What? - Hey, Joe.
- Dude, come home! - What? Why? - Come home! Look, I can't.
What's going on? I don't know how to tell you this, but I think Monica's cheating on you! I told you, you shouldn't have married someone hotter than you! If you can't deal with this, then I'm gonna.
- No! - I just heard him! Can you hear him now? No.
All right, I'm going in.
- No, wait! - I heard him again! All right, just stay there.
I'm coming home.
I'll see you when you get here.
I'll wait out in the hall in case he comes out.
- Is that really necessary? - Absolutely.
You'd do it for me.
Not that you ever have to, because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
Shouldn't the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said 30 minutes or less.
Well, how long has it been? Eleven minutes.
And now 12.
- So you like the beer? - I do.
I do.
Although, it's actually a lager.
What's the difference between beer and lager? I don't know.
We could look it up.
Things are about to get wild.
Oh, God, remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross? Oh, God! It seems like forever ago.
I know.
So, what's going on with you and Ross? Well, I don't know.
I mean, for a long time, nothing.
But you know, actually, right before you picked me up Ross and I had a little thing.
Oh, my God! I love things! What happened? Well, first he told me he liked how I looked.
And then we had a little eye contact.
Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.
Excuse me, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Should we send them something back? Let's send them mashed potatoes! No, wait! Don't do that! That'll make them think they can come over.
So, what if they do? We're not here to meet guys.
You have a boyfriend.
I have a baby and a Ross.
Yeah, but nothing has to happen.
We're just having fun.
You know, not everything has to go as far as eye contact.
Chandler, you have to tell Joey you're not in Tulsa.
Isn't it better for him to think you're cheating on me than for him to think I'm cheating on him? I heard it.
I don't want him to think I'm having an affair.
All right, I've got a plan.
I'll go down the fire escape Because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape.
" Hear me out, woman! I'll go down the fire escape and wait.
Then it'll be like I just got back from Tulsa.
Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here.
Aren't you afraid that Joey's gonna figure all this out? I heard it.
- I'm gonna wait.
- The scary pigeon's back? It's huge.
I can't believe you live in that building.
My grandmother lives in that building! Ida Greene? No sense of personal space kind of smells like chicken, looks like a potato.
- "Spuds" is your grandmother? - That's my "bubbe"! So we're on our way to a couple of parties.
Maybe we could get your numbers and call if we find something fun? Yeah.
I'm sorry, we weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys.
I have a boyfriend.
- All right.
- It's no big deal.
So she has a boyfriend.
What is your situation? Well, it's complicated.
I don't actually have a boyfriend, but Then can I have your number? I'm sorry, no.
Okay.
Oh, sure! Oh, my God, you're giving your real number! Okay, thanks.
I'll give you a call later tonight.
- Great.
- Bye.
Bye.
So that's great.
You, Bill, Ross and Emma are gonna be so happy together.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
He was cute, and he liked me.
It was an impulse.
But what about Ross? What about your moment? - Don't you wanna talk to Ross about it? - No.
No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go.
"Hey, Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before.
" "Yeah.
Me too.
" "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it.
" "Yeah.
Me neither.
" "Should we just live together and not tell each other how we're feeling?" "Yeah, that works for me.
" Yeah, I see what you mean.
By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
- Well Hey! - Better.
The point is maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross.
You know? I should just move on with my life.
So really, you're moving on from Ross? I don't know.
Do I have to decide right now? You kind of just did.
That guy is gonna call you tonight.
Ross will pick up the phone, and that's a pretty clear message.
Oh, my God, Ross! Ross is gonna pick up the phone.
I have to get my number back.
Oh, my God, he's gone! "Oh, I have to get my number back! Oh, my God! He's gone! " Dead on.
- You know, I'm gonna take off.
- So soon? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, thanks Thanks for the beer.
- You mean lager? - Yeah.
Good times.
- Hello? - Hey, Mike, it's me.
Listen, is Is Ross near you? No, I just left.
Well, you have to go back in.
What? Go back? To the land where time stands still? I'm so sorry, honey, but Okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone.
So you have to intercept all his calls.
I can't do that! - He says he can't do that.
- Give me the phone.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, listen, I know that this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this, Phoebe will do anything you want.
- Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
- All right.
Thank you.
Hello? Hi, I'm sorry about her.
But actually, she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
All right, I'll do it.
But really, how much dirtier can it get? Oh, Mike.
Bye.
Hey, buddy.
Hi.
- Can I come back in? - Why? Well, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
But you left.
That didn't take long.
I thought you said Tulsa was, like, a three-hour flight? Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
Yeah.
Chandler, you're home! That's right! Your husband's home! So now the sex can stop! What are you saying? Joey said you're here with another man! There's no man in here! How dare you accuse me of that! All right.
Then maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around.
What's he doing? I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Bedroom's clear.
Although you might need some new pillows.
All right, well, I'll check the guest room.
Why do I smell men's cologne? I think that's you.
Oh, yeah.
I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
There's nobody here, Joe.
I guess not.
I can't believe you thought I was cheating.
You owe me an apology.
- You're right.
I'm so sorry.
- It's an honest mistake.
It could happen to anybody.
See you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here? I climbed down the fire escape, and you can't put that in the closet? So, with the exception of the fermentation process beer and ale are basically the same thing.
Fascinating, isn't it? Maybe you should look up "fascinating.
" I'll get it! Hello? Ross' place.
Mike speaking.
It's for you.
I don't understand what just happened here.
What's going on? I'm sorry.
I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I didn't know I didn't think you'd understand.
You think I'm too dumb to understand a husband needs to be with his wife? You think I'm, like - Joey? - Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
We shouldn't have lied to you.
I feel so bad.
Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? You could go to the game with me.
Even though you said you couldn't.
But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
I'm sorry, that's the one thing I can't do.
I promised I'd be with Monica.
All right.
- You can go.
- What? You should go to the game.
It's okay.
I want you to.
- Really? You gonna be okay? - Yeah, I'll be fine.
You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
- You're gonna put sweats on and clean.
- It's gonna be so hot! - Bye.
- Bye.
Thanks.
Here's your ticket.
Thanks.
Hey, listen I'm never gonna lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
Thanks, man.
- Where you going? - Game's tomorrow night, Joe.
Oh, God! So glad you're back! So, what did you guys do? You know, we just drank some beer.
Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
It's true, I did.
- Well, goodbye.
- Okay.
- Bye.
That was fun, Pheebs.
- I know.
It was fun.
See you, guys.
Lock the door! Lock the door, seriously.
Shoot, I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks.
Wait, wait.
Wait, sorry.
Did he call? Did that guy call? No, just his mom.
Around 8:30? - Yeah.
- Then again at 9:00? Yeah.
Hello? No, she's not here right now.
Can I take a message? Bill from the bar? Okay, Bill from the bar, I'll make sure she gets your number.
So So how was it? Did you guys? You guys have a good time? We had so much fun.
It felt so good to be out.
Rach? Yeah? Never mind.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey! I'll be right back.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Stout.
That's a kind of beer.