Futurama s09e09 Episode Script

1
[grandiose music playing]
[theme song playing]
[gentle curious music playing]
[curious crescendo]
[fire crackling]
[rocking chair creaking]
Oh! Hi, kids!
I'm an unlicensed hologram
of LeVar Burton.
I didn't see you beam in because
I had my sleep mask on.
[sleep mask beeping]
Today, we're going to learn
about the wonders of books
and all the fun adventures you can have
watching TV shows based on them.
So, throw another book on the fire
and settle in
[flame roars]
for The Mystery of the Missing Mass.
[gentle mysterious music playing]
[music crescendos]
[clock chiming]
[thimble tumbling]
[cursing in Chinese]
I lost my thimble!
[momentous sting] This sounds like
a job for Lancy Trew, girl detective!
I'll look for clues.
Don't look for clues!
Look for the damn thimble!
No clue can hide
from my trusty flashlight!
[momentous sting]
[clicks flashlight]
It's daytime, you big stupid.
[clicks flashlight]
[dramatic crescendo]
- Ah!
- Lancy, leave Granny alone.
You know she's got severe dementia.
- Now, my chair's gone! [grunts]
- You never had a chair.
What's up, Dad?
Trouble with one of your legal cases?
I'm afraid so.
The bank is going to foreclose
on poor Farmer Pete's luxury office tower
if he can't produce
the property deed by 5:00 PM.
And you lost the deed
because you were drunk?
I didn't lose it!
I carefully hid it along
with my emergency vodka.
In the old grandfather clock.
[dramatic sting]
[gasps] The clock's gone!
Someone stole it!
This sounds like a job
for Lancy Trew, girl detective.
[momentous sting]
I'm countin' on ya, Lancy. You've
got to find that clock by 5:00 PM.
- What time is it now?
- I don't know! The clock was stolen!
[gentle bright music playing]
It's my most difficult case ever.
How can I look for clues before 5:00 PM?
What's up, Lancy?
Wanna play catch?
Hi, Andi. Guys, have you
met my tomboyish friend Andi?
Why can't you just call me
your friend Andi?
Andi's on the boys' baseball team.
- It's just called the baseball team!
- Because you're on it.
Before that, it was called
the boys' baseball team.
So she's the boy who took my spot.
[bright music playing]
[grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
[ball whooshing]
Jeepers.
Whoa!
You've got a great curveball, Andi.
I mean, for a girl.
I mean, tomboy!
Why don't you just say
I've got a great curveball?
Why do you have to qualify it like that?
I don't know.
'Cause I'm insecure?
- Yo, where'd the ball go?
- [gasps] It's gone!
- Someone stole it!
- This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew.
[clicks flashlight]
And her tomboyish sidekick.
[Andi grunts]
[knock]
We better split up.
I'll go search the old abandoned cave.
[all panting]
I'll just
I'll handle this immediate area
right around here.
[chugging soda]
[mysterious music playing]
[dramatic sting]
[dramatic sting]
[dramatic sting]
Nothing but clues from
my last three cases,
and no sign of the clock.
[wind blowing]
[ominous music playing]
[screaming]
[gulping] Man. Lancy's been
gone a long [burp] time.
[belches]
This sounds like a job for
[momentous sting]
- [burp] The Smardy Boys!
- The Smardy Boys!
[fire crackling]
[gentle mysterious music playing]
[burp]
We'll start by searching everywhere,
- in every imaginable place.
- Right.
But we'll need an automocar.
[horn honking]
Howdy, friends!
Need a lift in my jalopy?
Hey! It's our portly pal, Chud.
Why can't you just
call me your pal Chud?
You somehow feel obligated
to comment on my weight?
[laughing] I call him Chubbo.
Chud, this is Lancy's
- tomboyish friend, Andi.
- Why?!
[old-timey music playing]
Mind if I change the station?
- Yes.
- I wasn't talking to you.
[static crackling]
MORBO [on radio]: This just in!
A wave of robberies has
struck Outskirt Village.
Police are advising local teenagers
to solve the crime as quickly as possible!
[gasps] Step on it, Chubbo!
I mean, if your jalopy can
even go uphill with you in it.
[laughter]
Ah! That's it!
I can't go on living.
I'm driving off the cliff!
[tires squealing]
[crash]
[Andi screaming]
[Bender laughing]
[gentle bright music playing]
[car puttering]
[brakes squeal, engine cuts]
And here we are at Lancy's house!
I must've made
a wrong turn at the cliff.
This whole crime wave
started with that missing clock.
That's the key to solving
this mystery book!
It is?
Why would you think that?
It's called a hunch, Chud.
You sidekicks wouldn't
understand. [Andi groans]
The clock was over here
between these Ming vases. [gasps]
The vases are gone!
[dramatic sting]
- And my gun is missing!
- My baseball mitt's gone, too!
Chud, did you eat Andi's mitt?
Yes, but not the other stuff!
[slurps]
Shploikees!
The whole house is gone!
[dramatic sting]
The entire town of Outskirt
Village has been stolen!
[clock chiming]
Wait! I found the clock.
Then the criminal has
only one place left to hide.
Inside that clock.
Let's see who the real culprit is.
[gentle suspenseful music playing]
[all gasp]
[whirring]
- What the hell is that?
- Allow me to explain.
[momentous sting]
It's Tom Snift, the boy inventor!
Why can't you just call me
the inventor?
[abrupt dramatic music playing]
This object is known as
a gravitational black hole.
Anything that falls in can never
escape, not even light itself.
[whirring]
[echoing scream]
[echoing] Help! Help!
I hear Lancy!
A little sound can get out,
but that's it.
Hurry! We can still save
my emergency vodka!
And my daughter.
[car rumbling] As the heroes,
Biff and I will jump in
- and rescue those things.
- Oh. You don't understand!
The gravitational forces
will shred you like
[echoing pained scream]
[bones rattling]
There goes young Tom Snift,
off on another adventure.
Chud, Andi,
you pull us out with the jalopy,
- so we can get all the credit.
- You got it, Smardy Boys.
You can count on your bitter,
degraded sidekicks.
[car engine starts]
[both grunt, scream]
[rope snaps]
[tires screech]
Enjoy the hole!
[Chud laughs]
[Hermes screams]
[trees snapping, water splashing,
mountains rumbling]
[dramatic music playing]
[car engine puttering]
[klaxon horn blares]
Well, kids, I hope you enjoyed
watching that book as much as I did.
Here's another one
I've been looking forward to
because it's so short.
[Belgian accordion music playing]
[accordion music continues]
[bicycle spokes clicking]
[barking]
[rings bell]
[panting]
Bonjour, mes amis!
[Belgian accent]
I convey the morning deliveries!
Bonjour, young Fryfry!
Ooh, I hope today is the day.
Ah! Something for Captain de L'eela.
[Belgian accent] It's my,
uh, medicine for my ailment.
Ah, oui! Alcoholism.
[cork pops]
[chugging]
Is there nothing for me?
- I've been waiting so many years.
- Alas, perhaps tomorrow.
No, wait!
I overlooked zis letter
for Professor Algebra,
from Argentina.
[tango sting]
L'Argentine?
[sniffing]
Oh, and it's perfumed!
Oh hon hon hon!
[slurred] Who is sended it?
The most beautiful songbird
I ever laid eyes on.
[romantic music playing]
Love was in the air,
but so was war and bridges.
Bah!
She fled to South America,
the victim of unspeakable war crimes.
Or perhaps perpetrator.
I could never get a straight answer.
[singing opera aria]
She became the most famous
opera singer in Argentina.
"The Warbler of Buenos Aires,"
they called her.
[holding high note]
We carried on a transatlantic
romance for decades.
Or at least I did.
And finally, I asked for
her hand in matrimony.
What she saided?
Good news, tout le monde!
[cheering]
[barking]
Captain de L'eela,
prepare the aeroship!
[exciting music playing]
[plane engines roaring]
[de L'eela groaning, laughing]
PROFESSOR ALGEBRA:
We'll refuel in Zurich,
Zaragoza, and Zanzibar.
Then, take on provisions in Zaire.
[marker squeaking]
Monsieur,
must you deface my finest globe?
[exotic percussion music playing]
One baobab fruit, please.
Do you accept Belgian waffles?
[bazaar chatter]
[barking]
[sighs]
[cranking]
Ruff?
[curious music playing]
[whooping bark]
FRYFRY:
Qu'est-ce que c'est, Zoidy?
That is, um,
the golden crank of Khartoum.
Yes, most powerful it is.
They say it can crank anything!
[gasps] I'll take it!
Is all my money enough,
or do you want zis thing, too?
[exciting music playing]
[plane engines roaring]
PROFESSOR ALGEBRA:
There's nowhere to land
during the long ocean crossing.
I just pray my magic marker holds out.
- Also, how's our fuel supply?
- [chugging] Delicious.
[belches]
[all scream]
[plane plummeting]
[barking]
[marker squeaking]
[tense music swelling]
[propeller squeaking]
[door creaking]
Great work, Captain de L'eela!
You stuck the landing.
[gentle regal music playing]
Presenting the Gray Warbler
of Buenos Aires.
[singing high opera]
My love!
You're even more gray and
warbly than I remember.
[Belgian accent]
Who the 'ell are you?
Your fiancé!
Professor Algebra!
Algebra?
Oh, for the sake of Pete!
I addressed it to the wrong professor.
I'm engaged to Dr. Geology now.
- Tough break, old man.
- Geology.
Sorry for the confusion.
You may stay for my concert
and a light meat supper.
- Then, scramolio!
- Ooh, I love it when you speak European.
[passionate moaning, kissing]
He will feel the wrath
of Algebra.
[singing opera aria]
♪
[dramatic opera finale]
[applause]
[panting]
[ominous sting]
FRYFRY: Strange.
Both professors missed the opera.
[barking]
[digging]
Zoidy, no! You stupid lemming!
[barking]
You found a bone? But, where?
[footsteps shuffling]
[dramatic sting]
Professor Geology!
Are you okay?
[mysterious music playing]
Where in butt's ass is my fiancé?
[panting] I'm afraid
'e is dead.
[gasps]
I find that rather hard to believe.
[dramatic sting]
I can prove it, smarty pants.
[mysterious music playing]
[purring]
My heavens!
It's a priceless fossil
dating to geologic antiquity!
You're a priceless fossil
dating to geologic antiquity!
Uh, my hat must have
blown onto it by chance,
making me its official discoverer.
[sinister music playing]
He doesn't love you, like me.
He's just here because
some valuable specimen
- happens to be on your property.
- And he's already sold off half of it.
[dramatic sting]
[scoffs]
You fiancé-stealing bone thief!
I'm calling the authorities!
[European siren wailing]
[tires squeal]
[car doors open]
[unison footsteps]
[lisping]
Hola, carnitas -bags.
We are the Gemelos Twins,
chief detectives of
the Argentinian National Police!
I'm seeing double!
[bottle smashes]
This man is a thief, officers!
That's enough evidence
for the Argentinian National Police!
- Lock him up, boys!
- Now, hold on!
I may have stolen the warbler's heart,
but not the missing bones.
- Either way, you'll die in prison.
- Wait! I 'ave an idea.
[grandiose music playing]
Mon Dieu!
La golden crank of Khartoum.
Mais oui.
I shall rewind ze Earth
backwards in time.
Then, we shall see who came
here to steal ze bones.
[mysterious music playing]
That'll never work.
[gasps] It's working!
[cranking]
One hour ago.
Two hours ago.
Twelve
36
'Ow strange.
No one's been 'ere for days.
Weeks. Millennia!
Ten million years.
A hundred million!
[earth rumbling]
[barking]
[mysterious music playing]
- [Warbler] What the fromage is that?
- Africa, of course!
[all gasp]
Must I explain everything?
Give me that globe!
[crank clicking] You see,
hundreds of millions of years ago,
there was only a single land mass
known as Pangaea.
But when the continents drifted apart,
Africa separated from South America.
I shall call it,
"the theory of Plate Tectonics!"
Wind the continents
a smidge closer, Fryfry.
[dramatic music playing]
[whirring]
[crashing thud]
Behold! The missing half skeleton!
My word, you're right!
The fossil and the fiancé are yours.
You may rewind now, Fryfry.
[earth rumbling]
Ah, other way!
[thud]
[muffled] Other way!
D'oops! Hang on!
[earth rumbling]
[squishing]
[clouds whipping by]
Welp! That solves the mystery
of the missing bones!
What do you say, my petite warbler?
Shall we give it another go?
- Uh, which one are you again?
- I don't remember.
Eh, whatever. Who cares?
[operatic singing]
Let's go 'ome.
[rumbling]
[opera continues]
[crash]
[Wedding March by Mendelssohn playing]
[door creaks]
[barking, howls]
[music stops abruptly]
And they all lived happily ever after.
Except that guy who died.
Alright, kids.
I saved the best for last.
Oh, wait. I read them out of order.
Anyway
[funky music playing]
Hm. I do believe someone stole my bike.
[bike squeaking, bell rings]
Here's your bike back!
[whoosh]
[pained yell]
That solves the mystery
of the missing bike!
Well, I've got another mystery
that needs solving.
Which one of you is Wikipedia Brown,
the boy detective?
- That's me, lady. Gimme 25 cents!
- And I'm his bodyguard Lolly.
I like to punch people. [grunts]
[groans]
[mysterious guitar riff]
HATTIE: I had just cooked up
a fresh batch of saltwater taffy,
so I put it on
the whatchacallit sill to cool.
Next thing I knew, half of it was gone!
[dramatic guitar riff]
- Hm. This is a serious crime.
- It is? [both grunt]
I've got a pretty good idea who did it.
Claws Pinchy and his
gang of mischief makers
have been hangin' around my windowsill,
lookin', whatchacallit, hungry.
And now, they're at your house!
Look!
Don't tell me how to do my job.
- Hey!
- Yo!
- Ya, mon.
- Ayup.
[gasps] I have solved
the mystery of the missing taffy!
And it's not who you think!
[ding]
[dramatic music playing]
At first, I suspected Claws Pinchy
'cause of his leather jacket
and poor academic performance.
But then, I found this clue!
[dramatic sting]
And that's when
my prejudices were confirmed.
That could be anyone's claw!
- Show me your claw.
- You mean this claw?
No, the other claw!
- Drat!
- But, uh, boss, ain't you got a alibi?
Uh, yeah! I was, uh, I-I-I
I was building a snowman.
O-On the surface of the sun!
W-With my girlfriend!
The girlfriend part doesn't
ring true! Arrest him, Lolly!
I can't arrest him.
I'm just a kid.
The best I can do is punch him.
[door opens]
Now, hold on, little lady.
Let me arrest him.
I'm Wikipedia's father.
And also the Chief of Police.
[cuffs clinking]
- Can I still punch him?
- If you don't, I will.
[both grunt]
[gentle music playing]
- What's for dinner, Mom?
- Boiled TV dinner.
- Yum!
- How was work today, copper?
- I mean, dear?
- Smooth, baby.
I sent three perps to the electric chair.
Two murderers and one
unlicensed hotdog vendor.
- Neat!
- But there was one crime
- I just couldn't solve.
- Why not?
'Cause I just didn't give a damn.
Maybe I could solve it and
save the day. [dramatic sting]
Tell me about the clues.
Here's what we know.
We've had a series of complaints
from unsuspecting townspeople.
I'll be complaining about this!
CHIEF BROWN:
They open their doors,
only to observe the most
shocking sight imaginable.
[shocked scream, weak groan]
A flaming bag of dog doo.
[screams]
I mean, it's like these bags are
appearin' out of nowhere, ya dig?
I'm gonna figure out where
the flaming poo came from!
Anything can be solved
if ya find the clues.
[doorbell ringing]
I'll get it!
[door opens]
[fire crackling]
[screams, grunts]
[stamping, squishing flaming bag]
Found one!
[mysterious music playing]
Where were you Friday at 2:00 PM?
In your garage, talkin' to you,
you id-jit!
That checks out.
Alls I know is I was
loiterin' in an alley
with the other local toughs,
smokin' a lollipop.
[exhales]
I'm a kid with a magnifying glass.
- Got any clues I can magnify?
- Indeed!
I saved the slipper
I used to stomp the doo.
Ugh! What else you got?
[mysterious music playing]
Case closed, folks!
I pretended to look for clues,
but we all know it was
Claws Pinchy!
[dramatic sting]
I'm afraid he's got
the ultimate alibi, son.
He went to the chair
for that taffy caper.
That's the way to go.
Sittin' down.
What a strange case.
I've never found so many clues before.
[dramatic music playing]
CHIEF BROWN: Ah yeah.
That's some mass-murderer-level stuff.
- So, did you solve the mystery?
- I I
No! [crying]
It all adds up to nothing!
I thought I could solve anything,
but we will never, ever know
where the flaming doo-doo came from!
I know where it came from.
[bright sting]
- Neil deGrasse Tyson?
- May I borrow your magnifying glass?
Hell no! I don't know you!
I'm not lendin' you my magnifying glass!
That's okay. I brought
an electron microscope.
[beeping, whirring]
Take a closer look at this soiled
bag from your wall of clues.
- No, thanks.
- I said look! What's it made of?
- Paper?
- Poop?
A combination thereof?
[dial clicking]
NEIL: It's made entirely of matter!
And that's the clue I needed
to solve the mystery.
- But, how did it end up on my doorstep?
- Yeah. Where'd it come from?
You see,
approximately 13.8 billion years ago,
all matter was created in the Big Bang.
So, that's where it came from.
The Big Bang.
Of course! It was so obvious!
[murmuring in agreement]
But wait a minute.
Where were you
when the Big Bang happened?
Me? I
[mysterious music playing]
It was the Big Bang guy!
Get him!
Gotta go! [panting]
[tense music playing]
[doorbell ringing]
Hang on. Let me get the door.
[flames whoosh]
- Neil deGrasse Tyson?
- Yeah, yeah, listen.
You got a place I can hide
where no one ever goes?
Sure! Right over here.
Well, that's all for today, kids.
And remember, in space,
no one can hear you read. [shuts door]
[LeVar and Neil grunt]
[grandiose music playing]