It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e09 Episode Script

Bah-hoo-yeah Bah-hoo-yeah Bah-hoo-yeah Bah-hoo-yeah.
Welcome back from the dead, Chief Lazarus! I only got one thing on my mind.
Revenge! What exactly are you here for? We need $40 million.
So we've shot a great deal of the movie, and we're gonna show it to you.
We just need a little money to finish it.
Yeah, see, we had a little bit of a falling out with our financier.
He's also playing Chief Lazarus.
Just, we had some creative differences with him, you know, which is why we're coming to you, but, look, that's neither here nor there.
Don't worry about that.
The guy wanted to shoot a full penetration sex scene and show it.
But, to be fair, I don't have a problem, as much, with the act itself as I do with the man who's performing it.
Don't get into that.
It's, like, more specific than she needs to Let her know.
I think she Look, I just, I think that no one wants to see Frank smashing genitalia with a woman, but if it were me doing it, you know, imagine that.
Wouldn't that be nice? Imagine all the positions that I could get into.
You know, reverse pile driver, seated scissors, wheelbarrow, reverse cowgirl.
I know all the positions.
Whatever you like.
He can do 'em all.
I can do 'em all, yeah.
He can do 'em all.
So imagine that.
Do you see the difference? We don't finance movies here.
Let's show her more of the movie.
Get into the story a little bit.
Okay, that's exactly right.
Keep watching, and then see the big picture, know that there are budgetary and time limitations and ignore them, please.
Yeah.
- In your face, sucker.
- Oh, shit! Riggs, what the hell are you doing here? Our relationship is strained.
Thought I'd give you some pointers on your jump shot.
Noticed you weren't squaring up on the basket.
Schooling a black man on basketball.
You must be crazy.
Crazy enough to want to know why you never RSVP'd to my wedding.
Gee, do I want to see my ex-special forces ex-partner marry my baby girl daughter? Thanks.
I respectfully say, "No.
" I tell you what, Sarge.
Let's play a quick game of one-on-one.
You score on me, you don't have to come to the wedding.
If I score on you, I don't have to come to the wedding? That's right.
So all I do is score once, and then I don't come to the wedding? Yes.
Well, this is gonna be a slam dunk! Break a leg.
Hell, break both of 'em.
Heavenly Father, we thank you for your glories.
We also thank Martin for his lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.
- Rianne will now recite hers.
- My love, when I look deep in your eyes, I find my own destiny.
I find that I want to love you for the rest of my days, and I will.
I will spend every day of my life trying to make you the happiest man in the whole world.
That was lovely.
If anybody has any objection to this union, you speak now, or forever hold your peace.
I object.
What?! I need to do something first-- get your father's blessing.
I came here for my daughter, not you.
I love her, Rog.
Yeah.
I know you do, pal.
No! No! I love weddings.
They always such a blast! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Got to get out of here! Got to get out of here! Oh! Oh, let me out of here! Let me out of here! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Um I don't get why you're making this.
Oh, I mean Oh God, the bank didn't get it either.
Why make anything, you know? For the money, for the glory, for the fame.
Absolutely.
All-- the whole thing.
Yeah, and-and clearly the movie's pretty kick-ass right up until we get to the special effects snafu.
Our ex-backer liked to cut corners, but we feel like, with your technical expertise, being from a dot-com company and all, and your money, we could really make a kick-ass movie.
Yeah, now, the next scene is, um, the next scene is bad.
The next scene is a little bit of a disaster.
It's got some problems, too, but then, once we get past that, it's pretty good, but let me set this up for you so you're not totally confused.
Somebody released some kind of a biting bug, the likes of which I've never contended with.
Frank and I got them from China, and they just went crazy in the bar and bit us up like What do you mean you "got them from China"? You ordered them? Don't worry about where we got them or why we were getting them.
Oh, my God, Jesus Christ.
We just released them, there was an issue All right, so you're gonna enjoy this part.
Go ahead and push play.
Yeah, yeah, keep it going.
Hey, Chief, I'd like to trade in these flowers for a badge.
Well, I just happen to have that gun.
Welcome back to the force, Riggs.
Murtaugh.
Murtaugh! It's great that you're a cop again, Rog.
We'll n-need it.
Well, I had to come back because they killed my baby girl as you was getting married to her.
Yeah.
Looks like I'm not the only cop with a death wish now.
Ha! Chief, I think I found some clues.
What the hell does those things have to do with Chief Lazarus? Well, I've got a hunch.
Chief, I've got a hunch.
See, feathers were usually used in Indian resurrection burials, which could only mean one thing.
Damn! Well That Lazarus is back from the dead.
Damn! You think? So he's probably planning an elaborate rain dance to drench L.
A.
so bad that it ends up in the ocean.
Making his Indian reservation the only thing left standing and very valuable beachfront property.
That's could be the only answer.
Yeah.
Oh, oh.
I'm just gonna fast-forward for a minute.
Uh, but this Yeah, this is important That-that-that's okay, I'll, uh, I'll play it here.
Beachfront property on his Indian reservation.
No, you're still going on about the whole No, just keep going.
Yeah yeah, yeah.
Well, you got to explain every aspect of the movie.
That's crazy.
Well, that's because when you go to the movies, you know, you can't follow what's going on.
No, you can't follow what's going on.
Yeah, yes, you can.
No, no, you're like, "Who's that guy? Is that the good guy, is that the bad guy?" Everybody knows! I'm sorry, guys, um, but maybe it would help if I saw the original Mel Gibson version first.
W-What do you mean that you've not seen Wha? How? You've never seen Lethal Weapon? Lethal Weapon? No, I mean, I've heard of it.
I think what's happening here is the fact that you're a woman, and our demographic skews male.
Well, um It does-- we are a male- driven, uh, you know We are testosterone-driven.
We're a male-driven entity.
I-I got, I got that.
Oh, oh, oh, the next scene.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right.
Oh, the next scene.
That's right, there's stuff for the the ladies, I guess.
Oh, for the ladies.
Yeah, we shot this for the ladies.
This is all for the ladies.
You're gonna love this.
Well yeah.
You're gonna dive right in, right here.
("Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins playing) I'd say it was The right time To walk away When dreamin' takes you Nowhere It's time to play Bodies workin' overtime Your money don't matter Yeah! Time keeps ticking When someone's on my mind Playing Playing with the boys I'm staying Playing with the boys Yeah.
All right.
All right, blokes, let's hit the showers, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know about you, mate, but I'm sore.
I'm really sore.
I really needed this.
Oh, I needed it, too, mate.
All right, buddy.
Now that we know what Lazarus' plan is, what are we gonna do? We got to track him down and fight him, you know? Sure do.
We got to track him down and punch him.
We're gonna track him down and we're gonna We're gonna go to the strip club, which I'm excited to do.
I love strip clubs.
Oh, baby, I love me a good strip club.
We're gonna I mean, this is crazy, right? Wha? I miss her, Riggs.
Nothing's ever gonna make me forget her.
I know, buddy.
Lazarus has taken everything from us, but we're gonna take what he loves most: his life.
Yeah? Well, we'd better do it right this time, baby.
We ain't getting any younger.
That's for sure.
I'm starting to think even I'm getting too old for this shit.
Say what? Oh That's what you always say.
I know.
I brought it back.
That's your Yeah, I got that.
Whoa, shit.
Come here, you rascal.
Whoa! You want to wrestle, you You want to go, old man? You young, but you ain't that strong, baby.
You want to go, old man? You want to go, old man? You too young for this Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? What are you showing me here? We're showing you a testosterone-driven, male- skewing action melodrama.
Yeah, you're gonna love this stuff.
And, by the way, as a hedge fund manager, you're used to this kind of high-stakes, adrenaline-pumping action, so this should be perfect for you.
I'm a little confused.
Oh, is it the character- switching? 'Cause, just move past that, all right? Trust me, our audience has come to expect that kind of thing from us.
No, no, no, I'm confused about what you want.
Uh, you need money to fund your gay yasak movie? Oh, goddamn it, Mac.
Gay yasak movie? What are you talking about? See? See! You even watching the movie? Yes, in a lot of ways this is a love story between two men.
No, it isn't.
Okay, yes, in a most ways.
No, it isn't.
All right, but this is about as masculine as it gets.
It's not, it's not, I mean No, it isn't, no, it isn't.
You had a butt-double.
Oh, of course I had a butt- double.
You think I'm gonna show my butt on camera, Charlie? Oh, my God, I was uncomfortable filming the scene.
It's not up to the par of Murtaugh, okay? If you play the movie, you'll see It gets way straighter, I promise.
Push play, you're gonna love this next part.
We'll cut that stuff out.
See, nobody wants that I sure am glad we came to this strip club, Riggs.
I do like looking at beautiful naked women.
That's because we're not gay.
Right, right.
Up next is Lady Starship.
She's gonna blow you away with her celestial body.
Lady Starship-- I like the sound of that.
Man, what the hell! Oh, what the f That's more like it.
Yeah.
You like that? I do, yeah.
What are you looking at, man? Shit.
Frank, will you pay attention, man? I mean, come on, we've been all over town.
We went to a hedge fund guy, a dot-com girl, we went to banks.
No one's gonna fund this thing.
No, we need to finish the movie, Frank.
All right, I'll give you the money.
But we do the movie my way.
I want what I want.
And you know what I want.
That's not cool, man.
We can make it work, we'll just have to add some exposition-- a whole scene of it.
What needs to be explained? It's gonna be perfectly clear! It's gonna be way too clear what's happening.
Frank, it's gonna ruin the movie, Frank! It's gonna be so confusing It's not gonna be it's not gonna be confusing.
We got a deal or what? Ah! Damn.
Damn! They found us! We got Lazarus trapped in his own umbrella factory.
Yeah.
He gonna do a rain dance and then make some money on some umbrellas, man.
He a dirty bitch.
Come on, let's go get him.
I'm gonna jump over this! Get over it! I got you, Riggs! Hurry up! Oh, I'm getting too old for this shit.
Come on, man! We're pinned down, Rog.
This could be it, good buddy.
This could be the end.
Okay, Rog, if this is the end, we should be the ones to end it.
You know what? I got this.
I got that weird Danish twin.
Oh, shit! Aw, damn! He got away.
Oh, hey, you know what? We got to also remember to get that shaman priestess from the beginning.
We don't want her bringing him back from the dead again.
That's a good point.
Where's Mac? He's in the bathroom.
Well, that's not gonna work.
I mean, we can't It's fine, just go, let's go.
He's in the bathroom.
He's in the bathroom.
Charlie, it's not we can't I mean, it's Oh, shit! Rog, I'm out of bullets! You are? Oh, I'm out of bullets, too, Riggs.
Oh, no! Time to kiss L.
A.
good-bye, suckers! 'Cause tonight the forecast calls for rain! Riggs, there's a basketball right there.
You should use it.
I know.
Wha Oh! Oh, shit, Rog.
If you make this shot, you will have redeemed yourself with the item that you failed with in the beginning.
That is right.
I can do it, Riggs.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
In your face, sucker.
Yeah, buddy, you did it! You did exactly what you said you were gonna do, and now he's dead.
And now we have to kill that shaman woman so that she doesn't come back and reanimate him again.
Wait.
I got a better idea first.
What is it? Let me just show you, man, will you? We don't have to say everything, man.
Shit.
You know you always have my blessin', partner.
That's my partner right there.
Yeah.
And that's a callback.
From the beginning-- so it's come full circle.
We know.
And then we brought you back from the dead.
Well, the shaman did it.
And then we killed her.
Because we didn't want her to bring back Lazarus.
Okay.
We get it.
Go ahead.
Kiss her.
Kiss her.
Kiss her, man.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
One last thing, in case I die.
Oh, my God! Oh! S-So again, this is what we were trying to avoid by coming to you in the first place.