M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e09 Episode Script

[Hawkeye, Yawning.]
We've been here forever.
How many more have we got dying to get in? [Mulcahy.]
We're almost through.
Only four left.
If time heals all wounds, they should be okay by now.
If we get out of here before we lose our looks we could meet in the storage room and take inventory of each other.
Wear your rubber gloves.
I love watching you take them off.
No thanks, Hawkeye.
Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying to get into your gloves.
No gloves, no storage room, no date.
I'm not gonna spend another night to remember with moldy crackers, sloe gin, and fast talk.
[Charles.]
Good heavens! Six hours for eight patients.
Ever since the army forbade our use of curare, the pace around here - would put a snail to sleep.
- We've gone from forbade to worse.
I've noticed the work goes a lot faster with curare.
Colonel, why is that? Because anesthetics like nitrous oxide can go just so far.
They put the brain to sleep, but the muscles are still awake.
It's much quicker opening and closing a patient when his innards aren't doing loop-de-loops around your scalpel.
I see.
Well, then, why did the army forbid its use? They decided that too many people were dying because curare wasn't being used properly.
By that same logic they should outlaw cars.
What enrages me is that in trained hands such as ours the drug poses no problem.
A few rotten apples have put us over the barrel.
What starches my socks is that only Uncle Sam's got the spirit of'86.
All the other countries think it's a wonder drug.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it? I have a totally original idea.
You'll love this.
- We'll go to the motor pool - Let me guess.
We'll make popcorn, sit in a jeep and pretend it's a drive-in movie.
[Yawning.]
Thanks, but no thanks.
You couldn't be further from the truth.
- For your information, I was gonna bring pretzels.
- Ah.
[Horn Honking.]
[Honking Continues.]
Hold it down.
We can't hear the war.
Do I detect a Canadian accent in that horn? Right you are.
And I'll bet that you are Corporal Max Klinger, eh? With any luck, soon to be promoted to civilian Max Klinger.
How did you know? The Montreal Royals could whip the Toledo Mud Hens with their bats tied behind their backs.
Wait a minute.
I know that voice.
You're the company clerk at that Canadian unit.
Right.
Colin Turnbull, Second Princess Pat Battalion, at your service.
What brings you here to Chez Misery? I was taking some supplies back to my unit and I got detoured by the enemy artillery so I decided to stop in, meet you and maybe grab a bite.
You picked the best diner on the detour.
All the truck drivers throw up here.
So, uh, this is the 4077, eh? Yeah.
Place is like a blind date.
Sounds better on the phone than it looks in person.
I could pick you up around 8:00 - we could go to Rosie's bar for a beer, you know - Forget it, Hawkeye.
Don't you know you should never end a proposition with a sentence? Excuse my grammar.
Go ahead and finish, then I'll turn you down.
No.
Forget it.
I got a better idea.
We'll meet in the shower tent.
Two bodies, one bar of soap.
Better find somebody else to sponge off of.
What happened? Has my aftershave curdled? I've been there before, Hawkeye.
I mean, Gone With the Wind is a great movie but after you've seen them burn Atlanta So much for that old flame.
Wow.
Real powdered eggs, eh? - And this porridge looks first-rate.
- Head wound? Canadian.
Wow, this stuff is really great.
You eat like this every day? I wouldn't take so much.
Your eyes may be bigger than our garbage can.
Are you kidding? You should see what we eat at the British Mess Tent.
[Scoffs.]
Couldn't be worse than this.
It's about the worst I've ever eaten.
- You know why the English have such stiff upper lips? - Nah.
It's the only way they can keep their lunch down.
Hold it.
Let's sit over there.
I owe that guy five bucks.
Imagine, a face like mine and he won't take my check.
Mm.
Lucky for me I stopped by today, eh? Me too.
Leaves less for the rest of us.
Mmm! This fruit cocktail's the best I've ever eaten.
What's sauce for the goose is slop for the gander.
Turnbull, hold it.
! Don't tell me.
You didn't.
Yeah.
Fruit cocktail, packed in its own natural muck.
I had Igor shovel some of it in a doggie barrel for you.
- Well, thanks, Max.
Thanks.
- Thanks aren't necessary.
Just remember me in your will.
And if you're smart, you'll write it up before you eat.
[Chuckling.]
My friend, I want you to have this bottle of wine.
Hey, thanks! I think I flunked this language in high school.
- That's French.
- French? This ought to be great if it's anything like their toast.
I got it at our P.
X.
About three dollars.
The British always keep the best spirits in stock.
They think if they keep us drunk we won't notice the food.
Colin, I'm gonna treasure this from now until I open it.
- Let's keep in touch, eh? Maybe we can be of service.
- You bet.
You never can tell when we're gonna need a hockey puck.
Drive careful.
And if the enemy gets too close, throw the fruit cocktail at them.
The hell with the Geneva convention.
- I see you, Klinger.
- No, you don't.
It's just a mirage.
- Listen, you desert deadbeat, I need my five bucks.
- I'm busted.
I'd be bankrupt except I can't afford the lawyers.
The only thing I have to my name right now is this imported Canadian wine.
All the upper-class Eskimos drink it.
Worth ten bucks.
- That isn't Canadian wine.
It's French.
- Okay, five bucks.
Probably the closest I'll get to my five dollars.
Well, I gotta get out of the cold now.
I've just been fleeced.
## [Humming.]
Oh, I'm available if you need someone to wine and dine.
And I won't press you on the dining.
Finally, somebody throwing themselves at my feet.
Pretty soon I'll be staggering at them.
Where'd you get it? - Klinger.
- No doubt made from the finest grape leaves.
With a great nose.
Why don't you open the bottle and let it cough? - Ah, Charles, you're just in time for the wine tasting.
- No, thank you.
Perhaps later, if I need something to put on my salad.
Hello.
What's this? Hold that.
You have a '47 Margaux.
No, I have a '47 DeSoto.
I always buy American.
No, no, this, you chimney sweep.
This is an individual with a life all its own.
Little chilly Born of the loins and suckled at the bosom of the Haut Medoc.
Sounds like what went on in the backseat of your DeSoto.
- Oh, thank you.
- Will you two stop prattling? This is a rare nectar.
People would give their lives for this.
I'll give you $20.
Twenty dollars for that stuff? [Laughs.]
All right, 25.
Please.
I wouldn't trade this for love or money.
Well, definitely not for money.
Then where, pray tell, did you get this ambrosia? - From what cunning connoisseur? - Klinger.
[Stammers.]
Max? Klinger? Same man who eats peas with a knife and sucks in his spaghetti? - That's right.
- The old spaghetti sucker himself.
Oh, my.
Yes.
I must find him.
Oh, Max? Come on.
No time to waste.
This stuff is already four years old.
- Hands off.
- Hey, wait! I don't have to give any to you.
I sleep with you every night.
Read it out loud.
I love the sound of my own skulduggery.
"Savor a vintage evening with Hawkeye Pierce.
- Trade your boredom for some Bordeaux.
" - Huh? - "The epitome of the vintner's art.
" - Yeah.
"In 100 words or less, tell why you should be in a glass by yourself.
" [Laughing.]
"A glass by yourself.
" I love that.
That's pretty good, isn't it? Huh? "Please sign a code name so that your anonymity may be preserved.
- Decision of the judge will be fine.
" - Yeah.
- What if there's a tie? - Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded.
Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Well, I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
No self-respecting nurse is gonna have anything to do with that.
That's what I'm counting on.
You let him have it for five dollars? Pretty good deal, huh? Klinger, it is comforting to know that I have not overestimated your under-intelligence.
Thanks.
I wasn't born yesterday you know.
You weren't born, you were hatched.
Come on, Major.
I don't like trouble when I'm naked.
In the States, a bottle like that would fetch $20.
Did you say $20? Yes.
And in this hellhole, I would have given you 30, you lummox.
Rats! I'm so stupid I outsmarted myself.
Yes, though God knows with what.
Well, that's all in the past.
The question of import is, can you import some more? Not on your life or in this case, mine.
The territory I'd have to go through isn't secure.
I could get killed.
A small price to pay for a '47 Margaux.
Thirty bucks doesn't buy a stiff much these days.
Well, should you have occasion to venture into the hostile territory you have a standing order for all the bottles on which you can lay your hirsute hands.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
The Panmunjom peace talks are proceeding at a leisurely pace and we've got incoming wounded.
Well, at least I won't have to scrub.
That takes care of his liver.
I just hope I've saved his bacon.
Next! - Retraction, Margaret.
- Huh.
I wish you'd retract that disgusting solicitation you have on that bulletin board.
- Did you find it disgusting? - Yes.
- And obscene? - Yes! Oh, good.
I was afraid it was too subtle.
You are a little boy with the mind of a dirty old man.
Thank you.
I assume you won't be entering the contest? You bet your sweet assumption I won't.
Think it over, Margaret.
By the way, you're welcome to tamper with the judge.
I'd sooner kiss a toad.
Well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Of course, for them I should have white wine.
Hi.
We're gonna put you to sleep now.
When you wake up, you'll be good as new assuming you were good when you were new.
Hey, hey, easy.
Kid, you're gonna have to work with us.
- Take it easy, will ya? - Corpsman, get on your horse.
Damn, I wish we had curare to relax these kids.
They don't usually act this way till after they see the bill.
I can't get him any deeper with just nitrous.
That does it.
If we had some curare these kids wouldn't be bucking like broncos.
Other countries' troops are using that black magic medicine.
There's no reason why we shouldn't.
- What about the army regulations, Colonel? - It's a stupid rule.
Stupid rules are meant to be broken.
Suction.
- ## [Humming.]
- All right, Klinger.
Hook me up to that Canadian clan.
- Social call, sir? - No, criminal.
I want to see if we can work out a swap with those Mountie medics for some of their curare.
Ah, an interleague trade.
Wheeling and dealing is in my blood, sir.
So then let's wheel and deal some blood.
We got plenty of that.
Throw in some penicillin and a bedpan to be named later.
Turnbull! Klinger here at the 4077.
Congratulations on getting back alive.
That road must have really been rough.
Get the commanding Canuck on the horn.
- I'll go all the way to Nelson Eddy if I have to.
- Right.
Colin? My C.
O.
Wants to talk to your C.
O.
Thanks.
He's getting him, sir.
If we can work out a horse trade I'll personally go up and fetch it.
- Why you, sir? - It's me who's taking the law into his own hands so it ought to be me who's taking the ride.
It's a trip fraught with danger, sir.
That's why I want you to ride shotgun with me.
Me? But, sir, can't they just send it by registered tank? Not a chance.
I want that serum in my very own saddlebags and I want it pronto, and if anybody starts shooting I want your nose to hide behind.
Sir, I'm too young to die.
I've never even seen Cincinnati.
Hello? Oh, good.
I'll put him on.
- It's Colonel LaFleur.
- [Whispering.]
LaFleur.
Hello, Colonel.
Ajaunty "alloowetter" to ya.
I have a por favor to ask.
We need some curare up here, and we need it tout de suite.
As much as you can spare.
And naturally, we'll put some trinkets on the trading block in return.
Oxygen? We've got so much we're using it like air.
How much do you need? - Do we have oxygen? - I was just about to get some for myself.
Right.
Me and my garcon will be up there at the crack of dawn.
- Well, I guess - Don't hang up, sir.
I better talk to their company clerk and make sure there are no hitches.
I'll put my clerk on to your clerk and let 'em do whatever it is they do.
- Au revoir.
- Thank you, sir.
Colin, old buddy, as long as I gotta risk my neck anyway you got any more of that snooty French vino? Five bottles, huh? What do you say you and I talk turkey? Okay, let's talk fruit cocktail.
So, O Great Girthed One, do you still want that valuable wine? Do I still have a palate? I don't know.
I'm not about to peek.
I can get you five bottles.
It'll run you 40 per.
For My last offer was 30.
Consider it a cost-of-dying increase.
I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
Try a little more soap.
But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '47 Bordeaux.
You're taking advantage of me.
You know I'm an oenophile.
Hey, talk like that in the shower makes me nervous.
Now, do you want it or don't you? Unfortunately, I am at a disadvantaged position.
You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.
- Well, Beej, what do you think this is? - You've been drafted.
They're greetings, all right, from three nurses with absolutely no trace of self-respect.
One of whom is within striking distance of enjoying a delicious Bordeaux.
And a tasteless Pierce.
Get your water ready.
This is liable to set the tent on fire.
"Dear Hawkeye "I think your contest is a wonderful idea.
"I really love good wine "and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you.
Signed, Chastity.
" That one came with its own cold water.
Send that to the Dead Letter Office.
"Dear Hawkeye "Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines "along with Manischewitz.
"During happier times, my husband and I "used to share many a bottle back in the States.
"Drinking this with you would bring back fond memories.
Signed, Very Married.
" All you'd get there is a swig and a missus.
What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look, morality.
Read on, rebuffed.
My heart is not in this anymore.
"Dear Hawkeye I find you an incredibly exciting, vibrant man.
" I just had a rush of blood to my ego.
"Your fabulous wine would be the perfect appetizer to a wonderfully intimate main course.
" [Laughs.]
"I must admit.
Wine does make me a little crazy but I'm sure it's nothing that you can't handle.
" Oh, this is a sick woman.
"I hope you pick me, Hawkeye.
"I've always thought you were all man.
"Every time you look in my eyes "I turn to jelly.
Signed, Sweet Preserves.
" To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives.
Home run.
Turned her to jelly.
What do you think is the look that jars her? Think it's my, uh, my Rudolph Valentino? [Laughs.]
Maybe it's the boy next door.
Try that next door.
Sweet Preserves.
Who do you suppose is Sweet Preserves? What better place to find out who turns to jelly than the Mess Tent? Sorry.
Wrong number.
Uh-huh.
Klinger, what the hell is this? I thought your coquette look was out.
I refuse to be buried in my uniform, sir.
Besides, even the most calloused enemy would think twice before firing on a man and his wife on a country outing.
Why is it women never know how to travel light? - Canned ham and fruit cocktail? - In case we pass a picnic table.
Or a trading post.
[Clattering.]
# Love for sale # #Appetizing young love for sale # # Love that's sweet and still unspoiled # # Love that # Hmm.
# Love for sale # #Appetizing love ## Unhand those socks, you hooligan! Oh, are these yours? It's an honest mistake.
I have a pair the exact same color.
- Pierce, you've washed.
- Yes.
My, my.
Where has the week gone? [Chuckles.]
I could make some scathing replies, Charles but I'm saving my energy for an evening of lip-to-lip combat with the mysterious lady in green.
Soon I'll be having my toast with Sweet Preserves.
Ah, another sordid soiree in the storeroom.
I prefer to think of it as the summer cottage.
You're disgusting.
Ah, jealousy rears its shiny head.
[Chuckles.]
I have a bottle of wine, and you have a case of sour grapes.
Pierce, for you to err is inevitable.
For your information, that fifth is but one-fifth of my private reserve.
Even now as we speak, my swarthy sommelier is en route here with five bottles of that very vintage.
Five bottles? Oh.
You could have your way with the Dionne quintuplets.
Well, we did some plenty good horse trading.
You got your grape juice, and I got my dart dip.
Right.
We both got our paralyzers.
Now all we have to do is get our "fanny-dangos" home alive.
Thrash that throttle, Maxine.
I'm doing the best I can, sir.
It's not easy to double-clutch in high heels.
- [Hissing.]
- What's that hissing sound? That must be the wind whistling through my crinolines.
Bushwa.
The radiator's on the fritz.
Why in tarnation didn't you keep an eye on the gauge? Didn't have a spare, sir.
I got one eye on the road, and the other out for snipers.
Well, we better pull in the reins and dismount.
Please, sir, this is no place for a pit stop.
Now that I've got something to live for, I want to live for it.
It's either pull over or boil over.
- And don't forget, I'm packing a six-gun.
- Aha.
We're in luck, sir.
A parking space.
Now get out and hoist that hood.
Me? Sir, this dress is from Bonwit.
In an emergency, it's women and children first, so get out.
- [Explosion In Distance.]
- Does this mean the honeymoon is over? Just look under the hood.
I'll look over the terrain.
[Hissing.]
Doesn't seem too bad, sir.
If we fill 'er up right away, we should make it.
I sure hope so.
Boy, give me a horse anytime over one of these.
A stallion springs a leak, all you gotta worry about is a few moments' embarrassment on the parade ground.
We don't need a horse, sir.
We need a camel.
You mean you were so busy with your trading and trousseau you forgot to put H2O in the canteen? Sir, it's all water under the bridge now.
Well, then we're just gonna have to improvise, aren't we? This wagon is going off the wagon.
- Sir, you can't be suggesting the wine? - No.
I'm ordering the wine.
Sir, we're not having dinner for hours.
Five bottles, now.
And I don't need to smell the cork.
- I can't do it, sir.
I just can't.
- [Explosion Nearby.]
Now, what's more important, the vino or your life? - [Explosion.]
- Klinger! Don't worry, sir.
They're not close enough to kill us.
But I am.
Uh, well, I'd love to help, sir but shame of shames, I forgot to pack a corkscrew.
Ha, ha! Leave it to the wise colonel to remember one.
Let this mechanized mule drink to our good health.
- ## [Big Band, Slow.]
- ## [Humming.]
[Knocking.]
Who goes there, friend or lover? [Woman.]
I have an order of"Sweet Preserves"for Dr.
Pierce.
[Laughs.]
The doctor will see you immediately.
Lieutenant Palmer, it's you? That's wonderful.
My naughtiest dream's come true.
Mine too.
I never thought this moment would happen that I'd be lucky enough to spend the evening with Hawkeye Pierce.
I'm the lucky one.
Must be this rabbit's foot I have.
That's why I wear these corrective shoes.
- [Laughs.]
You're as funny as you are sexy.
- Aw.
- Hey.
- Yeah? Could you give me one of those special looks? Well, only if you promise to control yourself.
Oh.
I don't know if I can.
Well, then we'll just have to take our chances.
- [Moans.]
- Pure jelly, huh? - Oh, Hawkeye? - Yeah? - When you look at me like that - Mmm? I feel just like a giddy schoolgirl.
Giddiness? Oh, well, I have the prescription for that.
Two glasses of wine and nudge me in the morning.
- Uh, Hawkeye? - Yeah? - Before you pour the wine - Yeah? There's something that's bothered me.
Bothered? Wait'll we get to bewitched and bewildered.
No, no, Hawkeye, really.
It's just that I don't know if I'm woman enough for you.
- [Laughing.]
- [Whistles.]
- [Chattering, Laughing.]
- Ladies.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is this? Suddenly our little party is losing its intimacy.
This is such a wonderful moment.
I just wanted to share it with some of my friends.
Yeah, but two's company, Oh, there's no way we would miss your wine and sleaze party.
Palmer, you're terrific.
Thank you, Major and thank you, Hawkeye.
Believe me, it was nothing.
Come on, give me one of those famous looks, Hawkeye.
Looks like the lovebird's eating crow.
Did you really think you could buy us with your expensive wine? Well, it looks like the drinks are on me - not to mention the joke.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, not at all.
Your wildest fantasy has just come true.
You've just been had by the whole nursing staff.
Here's laughing at you.
Dry, very dry.
Sure is the cat's P.
J.
's having our curare back.
The patients are more relaxed and so are we.
Tell you what, Major.
I can drain the wine out of the radiator and let you have the whole batch for 15 bucks parts and labor included.
Thanks, but no thanks, Klinger.
I am not an aficionado of"Chateau le Jeep.
" Come on, lover boy.
Were the preserves as sweet as you thought they'd be? Yes, why so quiet, Doctor? Was she possibly more woman than one man could handle? Are you kidding? You see one nurse, you've seen them all.