My Family (2000) s09e09 Episode Script

Hm? Yeah.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
Yours? I didn't say anything.
Mm, that's nice.
Are we just on autopilot after all these years? Yeah, OK.
Sounds good.
OK, I'll change and then we'll eat.
So, I was thinking of taking all the money out of your bank account and buying very expensive lingerie and shacking up with Daniel Craig and George Clooney.
Lovely.
I prefer Chinese.
- Hi.
- Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandpa.
I made you a picture at school today.
- Oh! - Oh, that's a lovely picture of a - That's a - Pretty Multi-coloured, erm - Ostrich.
- Volcano.
- Elephant.
- It's an elephant.
I said - I was going to say elephant.
- Thank you.
That's great.
Kenzo has a special school project and he needs everyone's help.
Right, well, first of all, elephants are grey.
The project is about the importance of family.
Does it have to be this family? I have a list of questions to ask everyone.
Nothing too tricky, just basic stuff like how we all love and value each other as a family.
- And it has to be this family? - Yep.
What are you doing? Photos of the Harper side of the family.
Who's the cute little girl in the sailor suit? That's me.
You were hot! (Ben yells) Nick! (Nick) Hello, Dad.
Er, that Oi, that's mine.
Sorry.
Sorry.
All right, Dad? Michael.
You can't be standing as a Tory.
Why not? What have you got against persecuted minorities? This is a Labour household.
Oh, right, follow the crowd.
Baa, baa! Go on, go to your room.
You're sending me to my room because I'm a Tory? Yes.
Scooby-dooby-doo! Music.
Be thou not afraid.
What the bloody hell is going on?! Argh! What's? It? - Hark, it speaks in tongues.
- What's going on? Eh? I'll give you some privacy.
OK.
Hang on, Dad.
I'm going to need a little help.
- Yeah, well, I'm not - Come on, Dad.
I don't ask a lot.
All right.
Sorry.
I meant call a nurse.
(Ben yells) Nick! Susan.
Hello, dear.
- What are you doing? - Just tidying up.
(Nick) OK, Dad.
I've got you.
(Ben) Back in.
- I've got you.
- Argh! Oh, dear.
Sorry about that, Dad.
(Gasps) (Ben) Hi, darling.
These stories are great.
I don't really remember Uncle Nick.
(All) You are so lucky.
I'm going to get my pencil and paper.
Ask us whatever you like, Kenzo, and we'll answer all your questions as openly and as honestly as we possibly can.
There is so much he must never know.
Your husband's so funny.
Yes, he's a scream.
Come, join us.
In what order? Eh? Nick, don't do that.
Nick, take your hand off my Whoa! Whoa! (Both scream) Oh, hi, Rita.
Rita, this is Dad.
Dad, Rita.
Sylvia's got a huge crush on me.
It's amazing that a young girl like that would go for a mature, but attractive, chap like me.
Look at this.
Look.
Look.
Actress, model.
Masseuse.
- She's a prostitute.
- She's a prostitute.
Ultra ribbed? Haven't you ever heard of potpourri? Those are for Michael.
I want him to feel OK about his sexuality.
Why, is he a jessie? Oh.
Oh, you feel nice.
(Kissing) I think we should call it Shut Up And Kiss Me.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh! (Knock on door) (Susan) I'm still here and I know what you're doing, so stop it.
You know the other night your mother secretly videoed me going at it while she was trying to sleep.
(Chuckles) I mean I'll show you the tape.
No.
No child should ever have to see his parents doing that.
No, no.
It's not what you see that's horrible, it's it's what you can hear that's so gross.
I'm grunting and snorting like a wild animal.
It's not human.
No wonder your mother's had enough.
Ha! (Speaking Spanish) (Screeches and yells) Number three.
What was it like growing up in your house? Well, we all got on well.
- We did? - Yes.
Sure we had our moments of conflict, but, at the end of the day, we were always there for each other.
We were? Of course.
Kenzo, this house was always full of love and laughter.
Yeah.
Kenzo, you might want to let me answer this one.
(Mutters) What's with the bread abuse? Sorry, dear.
I was pretending it was your stupid father's stupid head.
Are you sure you can handle that coffee? Remember that tooth? My tooth is fine, OK.
Ow.
What was that? - Michael.
- Ow.
Scare me.
Come on.
Try and put me down.
You're losing hair, you're getting turkey neck and the reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school.
What's the camera for? I'm making a film about Ben and Susan.
Oh, a horror film.
I'm home! - Dad.
- No.
Fair enough.
He needs care, love and tenderness.
- Hi, Mum.
- Where the hell have you been?! I heard shouting.
Yeah, there was a lot of plain speaking on both sides.
What have you done? I may have to go away for a while.
- I hate this family.
- That's being melodramatic.
I can safely say this is the most exciting day of my entire life.
- See.
- I'm finally blowing this dump.
It's funny about you, sometimes you come over as a right ungrateful cow.
Ah, thanks for the "sometimes", Mum.
I'm going to post my boot up her Aha.
How I miss that cheeky little monkey.
Arrivederci, old bean.
Adieu.
Good Bye.
I'm your mother, you can talk to me.
Did you talk to your mother? All right, Michael, you can go.
Parents are obsolete.
The Army's my mother and my father.
So, Kenzo, does that answer your question? Actually, I didn't get most of that.
Good.
Good.
Grandpa? Tell me about your work.
Grandpa's not the only one who works.
Yet he's the only one who pays the bills.
Do you like your job, Grandpa? You're going to need more paper.
This is a new pad.
I know.
- What's that smell? - I don't know.
- Probably Mr Donnelly - Excuse me.
Susan Barrington Harper Cautiously optimistic.
two votes.
What? Two.
I demand a recount.
One, two.
What can I do for you? I chipped a tooth and it's affecting my work.
Your work? What are you, a vampire? No, I'm an actor.
Oh, great.
Janey! What? Please, this is a surgery, not a nursery.
The only screams I want to hear are those of Mr Fleming.
What have you done with your umbrella? It's probably still at the police station.
- Your badge? - I think I left it in casualty.
- What about your clipboard? - A baboon ran off with it.
Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.
No.
Shut up, you, this is all your fault.
- Me? - You've been willing him to fail.
I see, I've been beaming special sort of failure rays at him.
I wouldn't put it past you.
Lay off the beer.
Work day tomorrow.
- Eh? I've still got the job? - Yes.
Wow.
I've never had a second day before.
Where do you want me? On the floor - or in the chair? - Ooh! In the Brotherhood of the Cockerel, you start off as a hatchling.
Then a chick.
Eventually you progress to bantam.
Ooh! Then one day, like me, you become the big cock.
There's something about that that sounds so right.
Congratulations, Harper.
You're now admitted to this fraternity.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
So, brothers, in time-honoured fashion it is incumbent upon me to say let's party! It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, amen Kenzo.
- Hi, Uncle Alfie.
- I heard about your little project.
Now, although I've only known the Harpers a few years, I thought you might like an outsider's perspective.
- Sure.
- I've written a song about them.
- Would you like to hear it? - Yes, please.
OK.
(Clears throat) The Harpers put the A in adoration Yes it's true The B into beloved and the C in cherish too # They put the D in dear # As for E eternity # But they best thing that they do # Is put the F in family # The F in family, the F in family # Everyone loves the Harpers # They're the F in family #Janey is quite shallow # But she sure knows how to shock # And when it comes to boyfriends # Well she don't know when to stop # Michael is the brightest # But lonely so I've heard # His best friend is his laptop # He's a geeky mega nerd # The F in family, the F in family # Everyone loves the Harpers # They're the F in family # The eldest Nick has gone away # And nobody knows where # Not only is he not all here he's also not all there # Susan is long suffering # So generous and kind # And Ben is too short-tempered # At least that's what I find # Susan is the reason for any unity # And Ben is the reason they're the F in family # The F in family, the F in family # Everyone loves the Harpers They're the F in family Ooh-ooh! So, what do you think, Kenzo? Would you like me to put that song on a disc? I don't think so.
It just didn't wow me.
Oh, hello, Kenzo.
Hi, Uncle Roger.
Isn't it rude to just barge in without knocking? Ha-ha! You little scamp.
Oh! It's a nice elephant.
Thank you.
So, Uncle Roger, can I ask you some questions for my school project? Ask and ye shall receive.
What? Just, just go ahead.
What's your favourite part of being in this family? Well I, I was married to your Auntie Abi but then, erm, she joined a nunnery and, erm Just get a grip.
Well, then, I suppose, it would be the witty banter and warm relationship that I share with your grandpa.
You'll never guess who turned up at the surgery today.
That chirpy, irritating little pillock - Hello, Ben.
- Hello, Roger.
- What the hell are you doing here? - You did say any time.
I don't remember the words "Come to my house" in the same sentence.
It's Christma-a-a-s! Oh, my God.
- Ho, ho, ho, Ben.
- Go, go, go, Roger.
If things slow down, I've always got my balloon animals.
Can you guess what this will become? A rectal thermometer.
Why did you say gay? - Yes, why did you say that? - What I er You know, I meant happy as in gay happy.
Gay happy.
Why change these words? It's political correctness gone mad.
Hello.
Hope you don't mind me coming around the back.
I'm saying nothing.
Susan.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Perhaps you can't do crosswords at all.
(Patient laughs) I can, actually.
And I write my own clues.
Get out of my surgery, four, three.
Four, three? I was at her flat when suddenly the door flew off its hinges.
You got your money's worth then.
(Mouths) No.
It was a police raid.
Sarah got taken away and I shot off through the window.
What else could you do? What are you doing to my surgery? Eh? You've turned this into the Tooth Fairy's shag pad.
- Would it help if I say I'm sorry? - No.
What about Dennis? (Animated voice) I'm sorry, Ben.
Mwah.
Ow! Because I feel so sorry about the way things have worked out, I've got a little present for you.
- Really? You're leaving dentistry.
- No.
If I'd wanted something pointless hanging in my surgery, I'd use you.
- I see.
- Don't give me the puppy eyes.
You knew I was evil when you took the surgery upstairs.
Touché.
- Get out, Roger.
- Smell my flower, Ben.
- (Susan) Who is it, Ben? - It's all right, darling.
It's OK.
It's just carol singers, I'm putting the hose on them.
- Just get out.
- Wait.
- (Hand buzzer) - Aah! Stop it! Stop it! Watch it! - Just get! Get out! Get out! - Argh! Yes.
Well, he might seem a bit gruff at times but deep down he's a good-hearted, sweet-natured gentleman.
Sorry, who are we talking about? Just give Mummy a shout if you need anything else.
Bye.
Whoa! Where are you going? - Erm, to see Kenzo.
- Oh, he's working.
- I wrote another song.
- That's not going to happen.
- Yeah, but I - Don't call us, we'll call you.
How do you know Kenzo doesn't want to hear another song from Uncle Alfie? He used the phrase, "I don't want to hear another song from Uncle Alfie.
" Well, anything could be read into that.
- Oh, Mike, he's ready to see you.
- Oh, I see how it works.
The dull brother gets to go in but the idiosyncratic Welsh lodger is left out in the cold.
Yep, that's pretty much it.
What are you going to talk to him about? Dating experiences.
You haven't had any.
Not mine, Janey's.
I'll see you in three hours.
Wait! If you're going to talk to him about my boyfriends, I'm going to tell him about your girlfriends.
- It's Brian.
- I broke up with him.
- He must have forgotten.
- Tell him again.
No.
It's over.
You tell him.
I'm not Janey! Hello.
Brian.
No, it's not Janey, it's erm It's her dad.
Yeah.
Yes, I Yes, I'm afraid it is serious.
Oh, look, don't cry, Brian.
It's me.
Michael.
Weren't we supposed to be on a date? So, we still on then? So erm, how many times have you been into space? Well it's kind of top-secret and I don't like to brag.
Too bad, because that would really turn me on.
Seven.
I've always been drawn to cynical pigs.
- I like poppies.
- No, don't spoil it.
You are a starless night sky, Ben Harper.
Yeah.
You know, you're not the first person to have told me that.
So, Janey.
What have you been up to? (Susan) Morning.
I'm not having sex, if that's what you mean.
I'm going out with two girls at the same time.
(Phone) Hello.
Are you having trouble breathing? Use your inhaler.
Not for that! Susan, there you are.
Ha! So I am.
- Thought I'd missed you.
- No, no.
No such luck.
- I've got the cinema tickets.
- Ah.
I've booked us a double banquette.
I don't "banquette" till the third date.
Well, this is a third date.
(Ben) They're coming this way.
- Don't panic! - They'll see us.
They'll see us.
Why does he have to be so in bed? Mon ami.
Je t'aime toujours.
S'il vous plait ce soir Michael? - Molly? - Ben? Mum.
You're going to tell him about all that? Yeah, on second thoughts, maybe an Alfie song is the way to go.
Question ten.
What's the most important thing in a family? Well, it's good communication.
- Right, Ben? - What? Yep.
Absolutely.
- It's what makes marriage so strong.
- Uh-huh.
For instance, we never go to bed angry.
Who is this? Oh my, what have you done? I recorded last night's one-man show.
You taped me without my consent! - Think of it as CCTV gone wild.
- Susan! That is a violation of the unwritten laws of marriage.
So is burping during sex but you still do it.
- She's old enough to be his mother.
- Don't exaggerate.
She's not old.
Some people appreciate fine cuisine, Ben.
I haven't had a meal this tasty since the chicken supreme on easyJet.
Ah.
Remember, Susan.
Happy face.
If I have to suffer, so do you.
Honestly, Ben, if I thought you meant that, I'd never cook again.
Come on, Dad, open goal.
(Mouths) It's my "everything in the fridge" stew.
I'm using up all the food before it goes bad.
Mm.
Smells like you're a little late.
(Ben gurgling) (Coughing) 'Ey! Whoo! Interesting meal tonight, Susan.
I never knew sea urchins were that versatile.
There shouldn't be secrets between husband and wife.
All right.
Lunch was crap.
You know, no matter how depressed I am, you still have the power to depress me further.
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
Oh my God.
What's Nick been embalming now? Dinner will be ready shortly.
If you want a word to describe Ben, look under C.
We give it our best shot anyway.
Whereas I think the most important part of a family, you know, is trust.
I mean it, Susan.
Secrets and lies can destroy a family.
That's why I am the most trusting person you can meet.
Ben's just been telling us how delightful your children are.
How many has he had? Sorry.
Sorry, I am a bit late.
Ten minutes.
What kept you? I was taking my wife, my blind wife, to work.
Yeah.
She's a tour guide.
And luckily today is a mystery tour.
- You promised not to tell her.
- You promised! You broke my trust! You broke her trust first, it was already broken when I broke it.
No, hers was already broken.
Mine was still intact.
A blazing row after lunch.
Isn't that what Christmas is all about? You're right, Andy.
When you're at the top of your profession, as I am I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god, as I have in my hands the power of life and death.
Over their teeth.
Oh yes, no, you're right.
I did, yes.
"Ben Harper.
"Bed, breakfast and the girl of my dreams.
"I have found my True North, the solar flare I call Susan.
"She's the only girl for me.
" - Let me see that.
- No, I Come on, let me see.
Let me see it.
Let me see it! Er.
Ah! Here we are.
"Ben Harper.
"The toilet didn't flush.
" Oh, yes.
Then there was the time that I had to - Ben, Ben.
- You remember what? Oh, bless.
You know, it's not all fighting between us.
No, that's true.
Sometimes I'm so angry I don't speak to you.
Mm.
I mean, you know, we have the odd bit of fun, don't we? Oh.
Our fun is odd all right.
- Where shall we start? - The living room.
Yeah No, that's too obvious.
- What about the kitchen? - Yeah.
- Ben, I'm preparing dinner.
- We'll order takeaway.
- The kids will be home soon.
- We'll change the locks.
In that case, I've run out of reasons.
Take me.
The cupboard under the stairs.
Sorry, you must be looking for the geriatric ward.
- I know! Our bedroom.
- Our bedroom.
OK.
- Hey! - Tequila! (Sighs) So, what do you usually do now? What about this? That's nothing, baby, they like this.
OK.
They really like that.
OK.
Yes, and what about this? What about Oh God, oh God.
- That's nothing, baby.
- How about this? OK, baby, yeah.
Ye Does Dad know about you two? Everybody, Kenzo has an announcement to make.
I got an A in my school project.
- Bravo.
- Well done! We're so proud of you, darling.
They want me to have a meeting about it on Monday.
By the way, what's a child psychologist?