Will and Grace s09e09 Episode Script

1 "Will and Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And here's Hannah on her sixth birthday with a face full of chocolate.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- How cute.
Yeah, I got a lot of similar pictures of Grace.
[LAUGHTER.]
Honey, maybe we've seen enough pictures.
Oh, sorry, didn't realize I was boring everyone.
No, what, are you kidding? Will and I were just saying the other day that we wished we could look at more pictures of other people's kids.
- Were we? - [BELL RINGS.]
Oh, that that's the soufflé.
Have we been looking at pictures for 40 minutes? Time flies when you're Yeah.
I will grab the coffee.
This is so fun.
Oh, God, when will this nightmare end? You're the one encouraging them.
I'm being nice.
Pretending to care about something when you wanna kill yourself is what a human being does.
There is such a thing as being too nice.
- This this is just like - It's not like the office.
- Isn't it? - No.
- Isn't it? - It's a little bit like that.
But ever since we started working together, you have No, no, no, no, no.
I am not insensitive at work.
- It's just business.
- Well, what about You should've told me that janitor was deaf before I recommended that podcast to him.
- We're back.
Hey, hey.
- Hi.
Yeah, it's hard to believe that little chocolate-faced girl's off to college, huh? Hey, you're empty-nesters.
Yeah, it's been a bit of adjustment, but now we have more time to do fun things like this.
- Aw.
- Yes, I am so very happy.
Excuse me.
[WHIMPERS.]
He's been a freaking mess ever since Hannah left.
He feels his life has no meaning, but don't worry, it won't ruin our evening.
Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play? Grace, no.
I don't remember growing older BOTH: When did they? Okay, let's go.
That's enough.
Larry, look.
I know this is a tough transition for you, and then Grace singing couldn't have helped.
Thanks, Will.
I gave her so much of my love.
And I don't know what to do with it now.
Oh, good, I'm not interrupting anything.
I need to make flyers to announce my new side job.
Snide comment from Will, but I let it go because I'll always be younger.
Starting tomorrow, I will be augmenting my income as a Lyft driver.
Obvious question from Grace.
Yes, Grace, you do usually need a car to be a Lyft driver, but Karen's lending me one of hers.
Nice compliment from Joe and Larry.
I have lost a few pounds.
I had a terrible stomach virus a bad peach.
I know, I didn't know they could go bad either.
- Bye, you guys.
- [RINGS BELL.]
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
Okay, Karen, it's right there on the card.
Hello, Lyft driver.
Could you please take me to the supermarket? How do people say things like that with a straight face? Come on, Karen.
Stay in character.
- [HONKS.]
- I ca [LAUGHING.]
I can't.
You're just a regular passenger.
And I'm a colorful Lyft driver who says things like, "Would you like a tiny water?" And, "There's a $20 vomit cleanup fee.
" 20 bucks? [SCOFFS.]
That's where they get you.
Thanks for lending me your car, Karen.
It's so fancy.
What kind is it? A black one.
Oops, I mean, an African-Ameri-car.
Gotta watch out for the PC police.
Now, take me to Jewdorf Goodman you big, mincing, butt-pirate.
- Okay, here we go.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
My first ride as a Lyft driver.
The story begins.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
- [THUDDING.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Oh, my God, it's Val.
- Hi, Jack.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[PIANO AND BONGO MUSIC.]
This is so frustrating.
The legs are so much thicker than I want them to be.
You're too hard on yourself.
You know I was talking about the bed, don't you? - I do now.
- [PHONE DINGS.]
Mr.
D'Angelo is on his way up.
So when he gets here, I'll just tell him they need to be fixed.
Okay, just don't be mean, okay? Remember, he is an artist.
So don't get all lawyer-y and business-y Well, don't you be so easy on him, and don't do that weird thing where you pick up his accent.
I don't do that.
Hello, beautiful lady.
[MIMICKING ACCENT.]
Ah, what a perceptive mind, ah.
All right, take it easy, Olive Garden.
Mr.
D'Angelo, Grace is very upset That I wasn't clear about what I wanted.
She says the legs on this bed are Are almost perfect, but I would love them a little thinner.
It's a huge mistake To make a big deal about this because your work is so extraordinary.
- Grace, I make them perfect.
- Aw.
BOTH: Muah, muah, muah.
- Ciao, ciao.
- Ciao, ciao.
[LAUGHS.]
- Way too soft on him.
- You were way too hard on him.
It's a business, Grace.
Not a charity.
I know that.
I am a professional.
Everything I do, every decision I make, I am thinking about the bottom line.
I'm here for my very first day working in an office, ever.
Bottom line, Larry was sad, so I gave him a job.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
Ow.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
[PAINED MOANING.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[MOANING.]
Right there, right there, right there, oh, right there.
- [MOANING.]
- Uh [MOANING INTENSIFIES.]
Ow, ow, ow.
I wanna get hit by a car.
Okay, are you in pain or are you having a good time? My pain and pleasure centers overlap.
I'm in a medical journal.
Are you sure we can't take you to the hospital? It's the least we can do.
Mm, actually, not running her over would've been the least we could do.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah, I think I'll be okay.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[BREATHING SHARPLY.]
Okay, honey, how many zeroes is it gonna take to make this thing go away? Guys, I don't wanna talk about money out here.
Come into my apartment.
We'll talk about it like normal people.
[SIGHS.]
All right.
Come on, Jack.
Not you.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Grace, somebody has got to tell the tile people to move up their production schedule.
- You can't rush them.
- I agree with Will.
Sometimes you have to be tough with people, right, Will? That's right, Larry.
Business is business.
That's right, Will.
You know, I gotta say, despite the fact that his only office skills are crying and scrapbooking, it's nice having Larry here.
Is it? What do you mean? Every time we have a difference of opinion, he sides with you.
Well, I have been on fire today.
You are not.
You have had some real clunkers.
And still, Larry is all, "Another great idea, Will.
" Will had another great idea? Well, he's on fire today.
[LAUGHS.]
I got a meeting in 30 minutes.
If I leave now I can avoid an awkward encounter with the deaf janitor in the lobby.
I always manage to accidentally startle him.
Grace, you're making me nervous.
What's going on? We sang "Fiddler on the Roof" together.
Why did you switch teams? Okay, there's something.
I've been sad lately.
Well, Hannah leaving was tough.
There's that, and also, Joe and I are having some intimacy problems.
Okay, well, that's private, so you don't have to tell I've been faking my orgasms.
Well, yeah.
Who doesn't? But But I just realized today, the answer to all my problems was right in front of me.
I'm in love with Will.
[COUGHS.]
What? I am in love with Will and I wanna shout it from a mountaintop! Or or bury it deep inside you.
And just cry in the shower like a normal person.
You cannot tell him.
It will ruin your friendship.
I see you guys once a year.
- What about Joe? - Joe.
He has a big ass and can't cook.
No offense, Grace.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
How's the oat straw tea? Well, I guess it's okay if you enjoy the taste of liquid foot.
[LAUGHS.]
You're a silly puss.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
All right, honey.
This is my last offer.
[GASPS.]
Oh, jiminy crackers.
But still, I I don't know.
All right, honey.
I see where this is going.
You wanna go beyond the wall and see the White Walkers? Um, oh, no, I didn't mean that.
I'm I'm sorry, Karen, it's just really hard to set a price when it comes to pain, you know? You should know that.
What do you mean? I'm not in pain.
- Karen.
- Val.
Karen.
Val.
Karen.
Val! Karen.
[SOFTLY.]
Val.
You've experienced a loss, haven't you? I have.
Well, I haven't really talked about it, but oh, God, this is so hard.
Okay.
Six months ago, my beloved housekeeper, Rosario, died.
Ever since then, for the life of me, I I cannot find my cowboy boots.
It's like, where are they? [LAUGHTER.]
I wanna hear all about it, but I'm just gonna put another log in the fire.
- Hold on.
- Okay.
Okay.
Go on.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh, Grace, I've had the craziest day.
Not crazier than mine.
Larry told me that he's in love with Will.
That's insane.
Larry could do so much better.
So are you gonna tell Will? No, no, I can't.
It'll ruin our friendships.
But I figured out a way to keep them apart.
- See what I've dec - Boo.
I don't need to know your process, okay? My turn.
So I hit Val with Karen's car, and Karen's in her apartment right now.
And I'm a little afraid for her.
Am I overreacting? - Wait, wait Val, crazy Val? - Yeah.
If anything, you are under-reacting.
I don't know what kinda crazy scam she has [GASPS.]
I know what it is.
There are people who throw themselves in front of expensive cars trying to get money out of rich people.
I heard the same thing on Fox News, so you know it's a true fact.
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE DINGS.]
It's Karen.
"Val braided my hair and we're walking to Central Park.
" Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
You know what you need to do.
- Yes.
- Okay.
But you say it.
Okay, you need to sneak into her apartment.
[MUMBLING ALONG.]
apartment, right.
- Go through her computer.
- computer, yeah.
I was gonna say "tablet," but go ahead.
And find evidence of whatever scam she's pulling.
[MUMBLING ALONG.]
pulling, yes.
I was gonna say "proof," but "evidence" could work fine.
I know this is extreme, but we are not dealing with a normal person.
She is not like us.
She is a total wack-a-doo.
All right, here is a key to her apartment.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
I secretly made a copy 15 years ago, and I keep it on me at all times, in case Will ever goes missing and I need to search for his body.
Remember: wack-a-doo.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Hey.
You are going to be so proud of me.
A situation arose at work, and I was tough.
- Fantastic.
- Yep.
I fired Larry.
What? Why? Wait, you fired him because he kept agreeing with me? I did it because you were right he has no experience.
No, no, no, you were right.
He's a good hire.
- No, you were right.
- You were right.
Typical man why can't you just admit when you're right? [PHONE RINGS.]
[CHRISTOPHER CROSS' "SAILING" PLAYING.]
- Hello.
- Hey, Larry, it's Will.
Grace told me everything.
- Everything? - Yes.
We can make this work.
- Really? - Yeah, now, just can you meet me at the office? Sure, just give me 20 minutes to shower and trim.
Okay, um, hey, hey and just, you know, until we figure the ins and outs of this, let's better not tell Grace.
Or Joe.
Okay.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
- Hello, Jack.
- Val.
What the F.
Murray Abraham are you doing in my apartment? I could ask you the same thing.
It's my apartment, Jack.
Ooh, I walked right into that trap.
What happened to your limp? - What happened to your limp? - I never had one.
Ugh! I walked right into that trap.
What is this, Val? Why do you have pictures of me and Karen? And why is your face on my body? Oh, that? [STAMMERS.]
That was here when I move in.
Whatever scam you're running, it is over when I tell Karen.
You're not telling anyone.
Gah! [SCREAMING.]
[PIANO AND BONGO MUSIC.]
Larry? Oh, hi.
I kinda need the office.
Grace you know, Grace? I'm not the deaf one.
[STAMMERS.]
I'm so, so so why why am I still doing that? I can't - Hey, Will.
- Hey, Larry.
Um, full disclosure.
When Grace first hired you, I admit I wasn't sure.
But now that you're here, I can honestly say, I really want you.
- Wow.
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm all yours.
I just wanna make you happy.
And you do, you do.
The problem is Grace.
You know, she won't admit it, but I think she's jealous.
I thought she was over all that.
You know, I think it comes down to the fact that I can be hard, you know? She can't.
But, that's just nature.
[SCOFFS.]
Tell me about it.
You know, Larry, if we're gonna make this work, you can't just get behind me, you gotta get behind Grace, too.
Oh, Will, that's asking a lot of me.
I know, I know.
I don't like it either.
But I do it.
You know, just to keep the peace.
Joe said you did, but I've never believed him.
Hey, you know what? Here's a good idea.
Let's, uh let's role play.
You, uh you, you take one position.
And I'll take another position.
Then we'll switch, okay? - You ready? - Oh, dear.
This is a lot more activity than I'm used to.
Do you have an energy bar? Sure.
I I I usually dip this time of day too.
Let me see what I got, uh.
Grace keeps a secret stash of snacks in different places.
She's like a squirrel that way.
Ah, here we go.
This one says it's healthy, but it's probably no better than an Almond Joy-oy-oy.
Will? Joe told me that Larry was oh, boy-oy-oy.
Grace, come to bed, so I can get my part of this over with first.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
What the Karen, there is so much I need to tell you.
Pause I love the braids play.
Val's been scamming us! Look at this.
She knew I was a Lyft driver.
She knew where the car would be.
And I'm pretty sure she jumped in front of it.
Is this true, Val? No.
Val.
Karen.
Val.
Karen.
Okay, I did it.
But I didn't do it for your money, I did it for your friendship.
For my friendship? Not for my money? Okay, what kind of sick game are you playing? It's just so hard to make friends after college, you know? Oh, sure, but why me? I mean, of all the people you could Oh, now, I get it.
I am the whole Van Damme package.
You are, and you're just so good to Jack.
I just wanted a friendship like that.
That's all.
Shouldn't there be an easier way? I mean, couldn't we just make a lunch date? You'd really go to lunch with me? Of course.
I mean, you're nuttier than a tree full of squirrels, but We do have the same blood type and that can come in handy.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Uh, what is going on here? I didn't tell you the real reason why I - I fired him.
- Huh? Uh, it's because he's in love with you.
Ah, okay.
Um A.
You might've mentioned that part.
How would you have handled it? Well, I certainly wouldn't have been so mean.
He's a friend of ours.
Oh, now look who's the softy.
Oh, you were the softy.
You hired him in the first place.
Maybe I can be both hard and soft, did you ever think about that? I'm so soft right now, I may never get hard again.
Guys, I'm sorry.
I think that I was having a mid-life crisis.
I'm gonna get dressed and go home to Joe, who I love.
He's kind.
And he has a man's ass.
No offense, Will.
What? I don't think I should work here anymore.
Can we pretend this never happened? - Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Of course, of course.
You should come by on Friday.
We digitized all of Hannah's school plays.
Oh, that sounds so fun.
- What is wrong with you? - I don't know, it's a disease.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
Okay, driver, take me to Costco.
I need to buy paper towels.
[LAUGHS.]
Are those even words? Karen, that was so nice, us saying we're gonna hang out with Val.
We're not going to, right? - Oh, honey.
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER.]
We are never gonna see her again.
- [THUDDING.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
Hey, guys.
My Wednesdays just opened up.
[PIANO MUSIC.]