It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e10 Episode Script

Oh, there it is, Mac.
There it is.
I can't believe it's finally arrived.
My God, Thundergun Express: The Unrated Director's Cut.
13 extra minutes of movie in this one.
And it's unrated.
They were not able to rate it.
This is gonna be the best Thanksgiving ever.
Oh, yeah, absolutely, man.
Thundergun, hoagies and four extra seconds dedicated solely to the dong shot.
Buddy, that's what I'm thankful for.
So much better than a traditional Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah, dude, I hate Thanksgiving.
What is that? What am I supposed to be thankful for exactly? Who am I meant to be thanking, right? I've had to scratch and claw for everything I've got.
If anything, I should be thanking myself.
- Yeah.
- Hey, man.
Welcome to Mahndo Video.
How may we help you? What are you guys doing here? We own the store.
We bought this bitch.
We wanted to invest in an emerging market.
An emerging market? Video stores are a dying market.
This is, like, one of the only ones left.
Then we're gonna corner that market.
Okay.
Whatever.
Liam, what is on your eye? Someone ate my eye at my wedding.
Don't you remember, man? The eyepatch is flesh-colored to make people less uncomfortable.
I'm way more uncomfortable.
Yeah, absolutely.
You look like a man who was born without an eye, which is way creepier than a man who lost one.
Just get a black eyepatch, you know? Embrace it.
Losing an eye is badass.
It's not badass.
I have no depth perception! It's all your fault.
What are you How is it our fault? What are you talking about? Let's not get into a whole thing about missing eyes and whose fault they are.
You know, we'll just rent the video, and we'll be out of here.
You are not renting shit.
You are not welcome in this store.
Your video-renting days are over! No, come on, don't do that, dude.
Oh I-It's not even it's not even close.
I mean, I Let me get that for you.
Thanks, man.
Don't cut don't Goddamn it.
All right, look, just pay the man already.
We'll be done with it.
It's freezing in there.
No can do, Charlie.
It's the principle of the thing.
You guys having a principle fight? No, we're not having a principle fight.
We're having a heat fight, okay? 'Cause our heat's broken, and Hwang won't fix it until this guy pays the rent.
This guy's not gonna pay the rent till Hwang fixes the heat.
So you got one of those snafus, where you got old assholes It's a deadlock.
It's a deadlock of butting heads.
We got a disaster on our hands, a disaster.
The McPoyles bought Mahndo Video.
They revoked our membership.
You didn't get Thundergun? We didn't get shit! Aw Hang on.
Dee, why do our hoagies reek of gasoline? Maybe 'cause I got 'em at the gas station, I guess.
Why? Why didn't you get the ones we like from the Wawa? Because Gail the Snail works at the Wawa, okay? And we got mad beef.
She won't serve me.
This is a mess.
This is a mess.
We can't get the sandwiches we want, we can't get the videos we want, my apartment's an icebox.
Thanksgiving's gonna be ruined, you know.
It's not just Thanksgiving, pal.
You know what the real problem is? We have too many beefs all over town.
It's jamming us up.
We made a lot of enemies over the years.
We have made enemies.
We got to do something about this, guys, okay? So I say we use Thanksgiving as an opportunity to squash some of those beefs.
All right, guys, this is really coming together.
It's looking good.
You know you know, this was the original meaning of Thanksgiving anyway.
The Pilgrims and Indians had beef.
So what did they do? They got together, they sat at a table, they ate some delicious food and they squashed that beef.
And that's exactly what we're gonna do.
Mac and I are gonna squash the McPoyle beef, you guys are gonna squash Hwang And you guys are gonna squash with Bruce.
What? Say what? Bruce Mathis, I invited him.
What?! What? What? Why would you do that? Because he is your dad, and Thanksgiving is a holiday for families.
I also invited Charlie's mom, my mom and my dad, but they didn't want to come.
So just Bruce? You know what, it's okay.
We'll-we'll manage very carefully, and it'll be fine.
Hey, maybe we can squeeze some money out of the guy.
I'm-I'm confused though.
In this whole scenario with the Pilgrim and the Indians, which one are we? The Pilgrims.
They came out on top.
I don't know about that, Frank.
The Indians, they've got sports teams, they've got casinos.
They're a very celebrated people.
Yeah, that's true, actually.
You don't see people walking around with the tall hat with a buckle on the front.
Makes no difference though in our scenario with what we're trying to accomplish here, okay? They buried the hatchet.
That's what they did, and that's what we're gonna do.
Okay, so, to that end, here's the plan: once the guests arrive, we will ply them with liquor and then I will present to them this peace treaty that I will have them sign.
Why do you always want people to sign creepy documents? Well, Frank, once something's in writing, that means it's set in stone.
Then no one can do anything to stop me.
When do you want me to serve the squash and the beef? S-So we're literally serving squash and beef? You said we're squashing beef.
I thought it would be part of the ceremony to have squash and beef.
Yeah, it's all about the ceremony.
That's why I got this bucket of dirt and a hatchet, so we can have a ceremonial burying of the hatchet.
Right.
And after we do that, we're going to wipe the slate clean.
Wait, no, guys, look, this is all very on the nose and totally - unnecessary.
- Where's food? Walk right in, why don't you, Hwang? Thanksgiving, food.
Yeah, Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, yeah, go sit down.
Have a seat, have a seat, man! What do you live in, a barn? Have a seat, Hwang.
Guys, listen, regroup, regroup.
Let's put on some music, lighten the mood and get this party started.
(Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love" playing) Dee.
Hmm? Go break the ice.
What? Yeah.
Why me? Yeah, yeah, someone's got to do it.
Just go to go over there Go, go, go.
S-Some good crackers.
Huh? Mm.
Mm.
They are delicious.
Yeah.
What's wrong? Is it the eye? Why would I don't even know why you would say that-that.
They made me feel self-conscious.
Did they? Yeah.
Is it off-putting? Or does it look real? The skin tone is a is a a good match.
Oh, well, when you move the other one, I guess I can tell a little bit, if I'm being honest.
Hey, turkeys, gobble, gobble.
Cricket, what the hell are you doing here? Word around town is you guys are squashing beef.
We don't have beef with you.
You don't have beef with me? I was a priest before I got involved with you guys.
Unbelievable.
Look, we have enough on our plate right now, Crick.
Come on, guys, let me stay.
I-I'll eat the gristle.
You can eat it off the floor like a dog, how 'bout that? Now you're just creating more beef.
I don't mind.
Woof, woof, baby.
Great.
Look at that.
Beef squashed, huh? Okay, wait, wait, hold on a second.
Here, sign this treaty.
Mmm, yeah.
It'll be official.
Good.
Boom, all right, get out of here.
Go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, let's get started.
I really like your room, Mac.
Thank you.
Yeah, great.
Have a seat, guys.
Um, now, I Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a little to the to your right.
Okay, good.
Now, I know we've had our differences in the past.
Things have been a little tense between us.
What is this? What is what? Standing.
What's with the standing? You're lording.
We're not lording, we're just having a conversation.
Yeah, we're just Some kind of a status thing? A power move? Some kind of power play? Come on, guys.
No.
It's not a power move! We're having a conversation.
There's one chair.
Bring it down.
Just bring it down on the haunches.
You want us to squat? Haunch it.
Arch down.
Oh, Christ, fine.
Just do it, just do it.
All right, look Just do it.
Give him the Guys, look, I know we've had our differences in the past.
Things have been very, very awkward, but it's time for us to move forward with our relationship, all right? It's time to hit the reset button, wouldn't you say? Here's this.
Open it up.
Mm-hmm.
It's your gift.
What the hell is this? It's a peace treaty.
We need you to sign that.
I thought I was getting an - eye.
- An eye? Why would you think that? You kept making comments.
You were hinting about eyes.
We're not giving you an eye! Where the Christ would we get an eye? And if we did get an eye, how would we attach it to you? I'm not signing shit until I get an eye.
You owe me.
Give him your eye.
You want me to give him my eye? Mm-hmm.
You realize how preposterous that is? Okay, then apologize.
Apologize for what? For everything! For all of it! This isn't It's not about apology.
We're not apologizing.
We're not apologizing, okay? Nobody's apologizing.
No one's admitting guilt or anything.
We've all done something wrong.
Okay, it's just about it's just about, like, you know, moving forward, moving on.
Look, all you have to do is apologize, and I'll sign it.
Give us a second.
All right.
How are we gonna get this eye? I don't know.
Come on, come on, give me some.
Eat the eat the you know, the skins if you got to eat something.
I'll eat the skins.
I'll always eat the skins.
I love the skins.
It's where all the vitamins are.
What kind of meat is that, Charlie? Doesn't smell right.
It's not grade A meat.
You know, I'm not gonna get grade A meat.
Just Why are you guys hovering? Don't hover.
Answer the door! Get the door! All right.
Yeah, all right! I'm gonna fight with you.
What?! Snail, what the hell are you doing here? Who invited you? Dee, we invited her, okay? Enough is enough.
You got to squash it with Snail, all right? We want to go to the Wawa again, all right? Goddamn it.
Hey, you want some beef? You want some squash? You want to pack some beef? Listen, could you just swallow your spit and then breathe, and then we can talk? Then breathe, and close your mouth.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God, it was sad for a second, and now it's right back to rah, making me do the See a doctor! Go see a doctor.
All right, oh, let's just All right, hold on.
Um Let's compromise.
Is there something that we can do to just, you know, patch this up between you and Dee? I want her to be my best friend, yo.
Oh, well, you know what? That's not gonna happen, so Yeah, that's too much.
Okay Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Is there a compromise? Is there anything? How about just for today? Just for today? Together.
Okay, and then I get my convenience store to be convenient to me again, that's the deal? Word is bond, yo.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, that sounds good, let's do it.
Yes, okay.
All right, good.
Frank, Hwang, you're up.
Let's go.
Okay.
All right, well, somebody say something.
These crackers need more salt.
I agree.
Okay, well they're extremely salty, but-but good.
That's a start.
I mean, you know, you guys agree about something.
Hey! All right.
My doctor say, no salt.
Mine, too.
Doctors are shit! Goddamn medicine men, trying to tell me how to eat my food.
They're all shit.
Well, look at that.
You guys agree about something! Look at you two-- two extremely hardheaded, unhealthy old men who refuse to listen to doctors.
Come on, you guys are, like Can we work this out? All right, Hwang, what if Frank gives you, like, half the rent now, then you fix the heat?! And then, he gives you the other half when the job's done? It's okay.
Yeah? All right, that's a deal.
That's a squashed beef.
Frank, you.
Oh, as a matter of fact I could give the whole month's rent right here.
Well, that'd be good.
I'll take it.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna do it, because I'm not gonna let you beat me, because you're a lousy son of a bitch.
You're a dog! I'm a dog, you're a dog, huh? Wt, wait, wait, wait.
How's that? Huh? You're a fire dog! Plenty more where this came from.
I could heat that apartment all winter, huh? You want it? Aah Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire dog.
Aw! You're trying to burn me! Just give us an eye.
You don't need both of them.
I only have one good working eye.
Yeah, but I think it might be better if you're blind anyway.
You know, it's gonna heighten all your other senses.
Let me think about it.
I'll think about it.
Okay, give it some thought.
Give it some thought.
I'll think about it.
All right, well, we'll work that angle.
All right, just Ooh, maybe that's Bruce.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, how'd you get him down here anyway? I told him that his kids wanted to see him for Thanksgiving, and that you guys wanted to be one big happy family again.
Oh, nice.
Hey.
Who's this jabroni? I have no idea.
Slam the door on his face.
See you, bozo.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Actually, I know who this guy is.
Holy shit! Dude, this is the guy that Frank and Dee mistook for Bruce, and Frank got that bad intel, so they went to his apartment, instead of Bruce's apartment.
And then we blew up his car.
Blew the shit out of his car.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
That was you guys? Huh? No.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Uh Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait.
Please.
Are my kids in there? Somebody wrote me a note and said that my kids wanted to see me? I haven't seen 'em since my wife left me.
Are they in here? Sabrina? Oh, this is bad.
Yeah.
Oh.
Marco? Daddy's here.
Oh, my God.
We really opened up a can of worms.
It's a bit messy.
The good news is, seems that the kids thing took his mind off the car thing, so, maybe it'll work itself out.
Okay, good.
All right.
Mac.
Hey.
Hey, thanks for calling, man.
So, where are the kids? I can't wait to see those little rug rats.
It's been forever.
I'm sure they're around somewhere.
Go ahead and mingle, and maybe you'll find 'em.
My kids aren't really here, are they? Uh no.
No.
No, I lied about that.
Thank God.
Let's get shit-housed, right, guys? What a piece of shit that guy is.
Yeah, he's a real piece of shit, yeah.
Oh, my God.
What the hell is Ponderosa doing here? Well, he's the one that's responsible for Liam's eye, so we figured, you know, he shows up, it shifts the blame from us to him, and, worst case scenario, they'll take his eye.
Oh, my God, this is getting way too confusing.
We got too many beefs.
I can't keep up.
God, Dee, we got it.
Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.
Too many beefs, we got it.
I'm not honking.
I'm just I'm expressing something I'll admit it, it's getting confusing, there's a lot of people here.
See? I'll take some of the blame for that.
I did invite Let us take the lead.
We got it, we got it.
Okay.
Can't get it to stay.
There you go.
Hi, uh, everybody, I'd like to say something, please.
Uh, could I have your attention, please? I'd like to say something, yeah.
Um, so, the Pilgrims hated the Indians and the Indians, they despised the Pilgrims.
Yeah.
But nonetheless, on Thanksgiving, they got together, right, and it wasn't about apologizing to each other.
"Aw" It wasn't about admitting guilt.
Won't do that.
Okay? It was just about making the peace-- that was all that it was about.
And if the Indians knew how to sign shit, they probably would've signed a peace treaty.
Right? So that's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna make peace with each other, and we're gonna get it in writing.
All right? Is everybody amenable to that? Sound good? Great, uh, so we'd like to begin with Bill Ponderosa.
Yes.
It's not There's no need to clap.
It's not a clapping event.
No.
Right.
So Okay, so, um, Bill, do you have something you'd like to admit to someone here? Yes, actually, I do.
Uh, I once broke into Dee's apartment and sniffed on her panties.
What? Goddamn it! Beef! No, I got beef with that.
Uh, can we, um Just stay on track.
Um Bill, is there something you want to say to the McPoyles? Oh, um Hey, hey.
I love that painted-on eye, man.
That is fun.
No.
No, wait.
No, no.
Okay.
No, no, no.
All right, hey, hey, hey! Everybody stop clapping.
All right, Liam, Bill's the one who put bath salts in the punch at your wedding, all right? He's the one who is responsible for your empty eyehole.
Is this true, man? Maybe.
I The only thing I remember from that night is my sponsor Frank giving me the green light to get shit-housed.
That's true.
That happened.
I'll back that up.
Then it's your fault.
You owe my brother an eye! All right, settle down! Settle Take it easy, all right? Don't drag him into your beef 'cause I need him to focus on ours here.
Hey, Frank, I'm giving this guy a handy under the table.
Are you jealous? She's mashing it.
She does that.
I'm very aroused.
Very good.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry.
Which one of you knows my ex-wife and when are my kids getting here? They'll get here.
Just Who's this jabroni? Uh, this is the gentleman who we mistook for Bruce Mathis.
Right, yep, and then we blew up his car.
Don't say that! A-All of this, and it was you guys.
You owe me a car.
Whoa, easy, man! That's a big leap right there.
Buddy, buddy, um, what's the deal with your kids? Y-You haven't see 'em in a while.
Did you do something? Is it Was it your fault? Oh.
I have a horrible drug problem.
Ooh, I hear you.
I know that game, huh? You want to do a bump here? Yeah, of course I want a bump.
I'll have a few of those delicious nose clams.
Frank, no, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't clap for that! What? I can't have squash? I can't have blow? We need you to focus! Sign the damn treaty! All right, you know what, Hwang, you sign the treaty.
I'll sign it.
Oh, gross! Don't touch me with that hand! Put your hand over here.
I'll take sloppy seconds.
Absolutely not.
Mash me, baby.
Mash me.
No mashing at the table! Stop mashing, all right? Come on.
Goddamn it, Frank, I'm starting to think I have beef with you! Yeah, us, too! Okay, I have an idea.
It's time now to wipe the slate clean.
No, you said we were gonna do the hatchet thing first! Don't worry about the hatchet thing, okay? That was an unsanctioned move.
Well, none of these moves are working! We got to do something else! Food fight! Food fight! I guess! What?! No! Sign the treaty! You owe me an eye, Frank! Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no.
Uh, this was a bad idea.
We stirred up too much conflict.
Yeah.
It smells like smoke.
Is something burning? I think it's coming from your room, dude.
What?! My room's on fire.
Why is my room on fire? I may have started a money fire.
Why would you start a fire in my room, Frank? I don't know, I don't know.
We got to think, we got to think.
Think, think.
I've got an idea.
So we're just gonna lock them in there? They're definitely gonna burn to death.
Okay, guys, nobody's gonna burn, all right? There's a fire escape.
We'll call 911.
We just need to buy a little time so we can get the hell out of here.
I feel like we're just creating more beef.
Which we will not resolve.
Beefs are best left simmering under the surface-- I've learned that now.
The best thing to do with a beef is jam it deep down inside and then press forward.
What are we gonna do now? You know, we could just buy Thundergun and go to a different Wawa.
Yeah, it's a little inconvenient, but it's better than facing our problems.
Yeah, or saying we're sorry, which I'm not doing.
Hell, no, I don't do that.
All right, you want to go back to my place, get some blankets, bundle up? Just us? No one else? That's what I'm thankful for.
We don't need to get along with anybody else-- we got each other.
Yeah, screw everybody else.
I hate people who are different than me, you know? Why pretend? (inside There's a fire escape right here.
Fire escape.
Out the window.
Who's got me? Man down.
I right back here, guys.
Who's got me? Guys? Hello? Hello?