M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e10 Episode Script

You look like you just shot the rapids in a Dixie cup.
Go grab some sack time.
I'd love to, sir, but something keeps nagging at me.
Father, did you ever feel that there was something real important that you forgot to do? Once, in the middle of a sermon I forgot the words to the 23rd Psalm.
Or was it the 22nd Psalm? I got kicked out ofTexas because I forgot the Alamo.
I wish I could forget my appetite.
I'm so hungry I could eat a powdered horse.
I'll tell you what I forgot.
I left the surgical reports in the scrub room.
I'll get em for you, Hawk.
I was gonna skip breakfast anyway.
I don't have the energy to gag.
I'm gonna go eat.
Any other volunteers for this suicide mission? Not I.
I'm going to dine alone in my tent.
Mildred sent me some Wheatena.
- [Crash.]
- [Man Screaming.]
[Charles.]
Klinger, you idiot.
! Oh, boy.
Now I remember.
I left the towel hamper blocking the aisle.
You scatterbrained sloth! Once again, you have proven that the simplest task is far too complex for you.
- But - Don't say "but.
" It exhausts half your vocabulary.
Get back in there and finish your job, you goldbrick.
Hold on to your Fruit of the Looms, Major.
Just because you took a header on the hopper is no reason to chew out the boy.
Give him a break, Chuckie.
He's been busting his butt in the 0.
R.
All night long.
If I performed with the competence of this dromedary I would be known in medical circles as Charles the Ripper.
Since you have proven incapable of functioning by yourself, I shall supervise.
- Come, crumb.
- [Potter.]
Steady there, Major.
Don't you go exceeding my authority.
It's okay, Colonel.
He's rotten, but he's right.
I screwed up, and I gotta finish my job.
Uh.
Uh.
- You know, you gotta give Winchester credit.
- Yeah? He's bright, educated and an A1 surgeon.
And with all that, he still found room to be a total jerk.
That's a good little soldier.
Pick them all up and put them into the hamper.
- Major, I don't need a towel tutor.
- You need a breathing tutor.
[Chuckles.]
And what is this doing here? Do I detect your fine hand in this too? Major Houlihan told me to put it there.
Oh, well, I can understand your misinterpreting her instructions.
She probably gave them to you in words.
This belongs over here.
[Electric Buzzing.]
- And how did you manage that one? - It's the generator.
- [Hissing.]
- [Klinger.]
Get away from the autoclave.
! Don't tell me what to do, you impertinent [Screams.]
Hey, what's with the lights What in blazes? Hunnicutt, you all right? Oh, boy.
My insides are pure milk shake, but I seem to be in one piece.
How about them? Are they okay? You just go back to the Swamp and lay down.
I'll tend to these two.
- [B.
J.
Groans.]
- You okay? Uh, miraculously, I believe so.
What happened? When the generator cut out, this gizmo must have built up enough pressure to toss its top.
I might have been killed.
Merciful heavens, Klinger saved my life Oh, my God.
! Klinger.
! Say it isn't so.
Just let him live.
I swear I shall not rest until my debt to him has been repaid in full.
Your prayers have been answered, Major.
Take it easy, son.
Your head hurt? Ohh! Just where it's hooked to my nose.
- Let's have a look-see.
- Ohh! Ahh! Max.
Max.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You saved my life.
I'll I'll never forget it.
Looks like that blast put the old honker out of commission, Klinger.
- Oh, my, no.
Broken? - Most likely.
First thing we gotta do is have your head x-rayed - and let's hope there's nothing more busted than that beak.
- Oh, it hurts like hell.
- Let me help you up here.
- Nice and slow, son.
Easy, Max.
Fear not, I shall personally see to your well-being.
- Are you feeling dizzy? - No, no.
Just my nose.
Will it look the same? If that's what you want, your proboscis will soar majestically as ever before.
Major, your hands are shaking like a hula dancer with the hiccups.
- What say I handle this? - Uh, perhaps you're right.
Max, we gotta go and get those X-rays now.
I just hope we have a wide-angle lens for that schnoz.
- Ohh! Ohh! - Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
So, Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over 50% of his body.
- He broke his nose.
- Oh, poor guy.
I'll tell you, I walked in there, next thing I knew, I'm flat on my back.
Look, Beej, I'm really sorry about this.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's all right.
I just got a hell of a whack on the arm.
- I'm gonna get you an ice pack.
- No, it's okay.
Well, just to be on the safe side, let me give you an insurance exam.
- No.
All I need is some rest.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
- Okay.
If you're sure.
Good night, Mom.
- There.
- Here we are, Max.
Home, sweet home.
- There.
- Here we are, Max.
Home, sweet home.
I'm all right, Major.
I could've walked.
You might as well enjoy the rickshaw ride, Klinger.
Boy, you sure earned it.
Indeed you did.
Well, Max, here's your beddy-bye.
Thanks again, Major.
I can take it from here.
Nonsense.
Do not strain yourself.
Here, take my arm.
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- There we are.
Swing your feet.
Here, let me let me tuck you in.
There we are.
Everything hunky-dory? As long as I don't sneeze.
You just take it easy.
I'll see if there's somebody floating around in the typing pool we can use as a clerk pro tem.
Perish the thought.
The very least I can do is perform this noble lad's duties whilst he's on the mend.
Well, that's mighty Samaritan of you, Major, but I don't see you as the typing type.
Ha! Colonel, you're just saying that because you think clerking is beneath me.
Well, it is, but I insist.
Hmm.
Well, seeing as how it's Klinger one, Winchester nothing I suppose I ought to give you a chance to even the score.
- Do you take shorthand? - Of course not.
- Do you know the filing system? - Bite your tongue.
- Can you make coffee? - In an emergency.
You just left Klinger in the dust.
The job is yours.
Remember, my dear Max, from this moment on, I am at your beck and call.
- I appreciate that, Major.
- Please, call me Charles.
Now what can I do for you? Nothing, Charles.
I'm okay.
No, now I insist.
Anything you want.
- Anything? - Yes, yes.
Anything.
- Nah, nah.
Nah.
- No.
Now, Max, tell me.
Say it.
Say it.
Well, if you're sure it's not too much trouble - a little tea would be nice.
- Tea? - Yeah.
- Trouble? If I had to, I would sail to Ceylon.
I'd love a drop of honey.
But, darn, there's probably none here.
Hah! Honey is no object.
I shall milk the finest bees in all Korea.
Well, how about that? Every broken nose has a silver lining.
[Clears Throat.]
- How are you feeling? - Huh? Don't tell me you've been here all this time.
No, of course not.
I did lots of stuff.
I paced, I read a magazine, I went out and got my doctor bag so I can examine you.
Hawk, I'm okay.
If I want an exam, I'll call for an appointment.
Okay, if you say it's good, it's good.
- How's the boy? - It's not good.
He won't let me examine him.
Can't you command him to present arms and legs and everything they're attached to? - Sounds sensible to me.
- What's next? Did I eat my vegetables? Look, this is me walking, talking, drinking, as in alive and well.
I came through without a scratch.
I'm fine.
- So here's to my perfectly good health.
- [Glass Shatters.]
Okay, so it's a little sore.
Hunnicutt, I think we should take some pictures of that arm and get the inside story.
Colonel, I'm a little shaky.
Wouldn't you be? Beej, don't be stupid.
You may have something wrong with that arm.
Come on.
- Now will you believe me? - I have to admit it.
There's nothing here.
Apparently, just a soft-tissue injury.
So I would appreciate it if you two would find somebody sick to worry about.
Good-bye.
I haven't been told off like that since I waxed the La Salle with Mildred's new pedal pushers.
I'm still not sold.
B.
J.
Hunnicutt doesn't drop a martini glass unless his 10th martini is in it.
Pierce, your hand would be shaking too if you'd just come within a whisker of having your mail forwarded to kingdom come.
Now just relax.
He's feeling no pain and this black and white shows he's in the pink.
Wish I were as certain about it as you are.
I tell you what, let's give him a day's rest.
I'll call "l" Corps and get a sub.
Hunnicutt just needs to be left alone.
Oh, I think he needs more than that.
- And you can help out by not butting in.
- Fine.
Okay.
## [Humming: "Anvil Chorus".]
## [Ends.]
Finis.
I have completed the daily reports, the weekly report swept the office and emptied the trash.
- Had you a cat, he would now be out.
- Terrific, Charles.
Are you sure you don't want any of my dinner? - This stuff is really pretty good when you can't smell it.
- No, thank you, Max.
Oh, but the hour is rather late, so if there's nothing else I think I'll take your tray and retire.
What more could I ask for? Good night, Charles.
- Good night, sweet prince.
- Oh, wait.
- Yes, Max? - You really don't have to bring me breakfast in the morning.
- Max, you must eat.
- Oh, yeah, I suppose that is true, yes.
- Well, if I'm able.
- Of course it's true and of course you are able.
And I have memorized your order down to the last crumb.
That's wonderful.
Even the part about the three-minute eggs? - Yes.
- And-And the lightly buttered toast? Yes.
With the crusts trimmed off, huh? - You are far too good to me.
- I will hear no more of that.
A Winchester always repays a debt, especially a debt of honor.
- Good night, Max.
- One more thing, Charles.
- Yes, Max? - No.
No, forget it.
- No, what is it? - Well Well, I I think it would really boost my spirits if you read me a bedtime story.
Aren't you just a tad old for fairy tales? Fairy tales, hell.
This is for adults only.
"I, the Jury, by Mickey Spillane.
" I traded a dozen cigars for that.
Just read the underlined parts.
M-Ma "I kissed her hard.
I knew I was hurting her, but she didn't pull away" Yeah? Yeah? Gee, Max, my eyes are so, uh, tired.
How about a game of checkers or a fast game of Go Fish or A game is fine, if you don't want to read to me.
It's just that I find it so heartwarming to hear your voice ringing out vibrantly after you came so close to being shall we say dead.
"Chapter One.
" Comfy? - "I shook the rain from my hat and walked into the room.
- [Door Opens.]
Nobody said a word" - Who's the company clerk here? - He is.
You ordered a replacement surgeon.
I'm Dr.
Norman Traeger.
Ah, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Dr.
Charles Emerson Winchester, Harvard and Mass General.
He makes a great cup of coffee too.
How can you be a company clerk and a doctor at the same time? - Long story.
- I'm sure it is.
But right now I'm looking for your C.
O.
Of course you are.
Well, you'll never find Colonel Potter's tent by yourself and I'd be derelict in my duties if I didn't show you.
What about my story? Oh, gee, Max, I hate to put a book down mid-death sentence but I am, after all, just another working stiff.
I understand perfectly, Major.
- Come along, Doctor.
- Right.
Don't forget my bags.
Wha Of course.
Then you can go on to sleep, Charles.
I'll be fine.
- Good.
- [Moaning.]
Back in 10 minutes, Max.
- I don't need a replacement.
- Take it easy, son.
It's only temporary.
- We thought it'd be a good idea.
- We? You were part of this? - Well, sort of.
- This is ridiculous! Calm down, Hunnicutt.
Doctor, go ahead.
Okay, let me have a look at that arm.
Excuse me, Doctor.
Oh, excuse me, Doctor.
Sorry.
Uh, would you fill in the fill-in on who's chief surgeon around here? Now what's going on? If you didn't want a specialist, why'd you send for me? - [B.
J.
, Hawkeye.]
A specialist? - Oh, did I forget to mention that I figured as long as we need a replacement for Hunnicutt it'd be a good idea to get somebody who could take care of him too.
So I called Tokyo General.
Well, excuse me.
I'm B.
J.
's doctor.
I don't like your going behind my back.
Come now, Doctor.
You're a professional.
Surely you see the sense of bringing in an expert.
Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it, all of you.
I don't need any expert.
I don't need an amateur.
I'm a doctor.
I don't even need me.
- Now why don't you all just get off my back - You don't need Hold your horses and your tongues.
Seems to be a wee bit of confusion as to who's playing what part in this little service comedy.
Let me see if I got the roles right.
Playing the injured party, B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
Playing the friend, a real strong, silent type, Hawkeye Pierce.
And in a special guest appearance as the handyman, Dr.
Norm Traeger.
Dominating the screen as your leading man, Colonel Sherman Potter.
Now, scene one, the examination.
Dr.
Traeger, action! - All right, come on.
- Why don't you all just leave me alone? Cut! Hunnicutt, this is the part where you say "Boy, I'm sure glad you showed up.
Here's my arm.
" - How's that feel? - It's nothing.
Really.
- I don't suppose you had it x-rayed? - You suppose wrong.
We did.
- And we didn't find anything.
- Maybe you people didn't find anything.
Well, just a second.
I'm not some kid with a toy doctor kit.
I'm an M.
D.
, just like you.
- Oh, really? Really? - Yeah.
Well, have you been, uh, handling this type of case - for the past 20 years in private practice? - Doesn't matter.
Since I got here I've had about 20 years' experience in private practice, corporal practice and just plain major surgery.
If it moves, I operate on it.
Maybe.
But at any hospital back in the States, you'd be fresh out of residency.
Whoa! This is still a Potter Production, and I don't want any prima donnas in it.
This must be a movie.
It can't be for real.
Doctor, seeing as you're gonna be a member of this medicine show for a while perhaps I should mention that I put a lot of stock in the word "cooperation.
" Well, you'll have to bear with me, Colonel.
It isn't easy being the world's oldest draftee.
Besides, at home, I used to give the orders.
Oh, the injustice of it all.
I begged them to let me come over here.
Now don't start up again.
You two put your mongoose and cobra act in separate cages.
Traeger, you can use the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
Very Important Physician.
I'll have a look at those X-rays, and meantime you get some rest.
X-rays and rest.
Boy, I tell you.
I stand humbled in the presence of greatness.
- I was gonna bleed him with leeches.
- Button it, Pierce.
- I'll stop by tomorrow.
- Don't worry.
I'm not going anywhere.
That's the spirit.
It's all gonna work out hunky-dory.
I love happy endings.
[Clunk.]
[Clunk.]
## [Humming: "Reveille".]
- Huh? - Oh, morning, Uncle Chuck.
Oh, you shouldn't sleep in a chair.
That's bad for your back.
I had no intention of sleeping here.
While reading your book, I was overcome by ennui.
Gotcha.
That stuff makes me hot too.
You can finish it later.
Right now, I don't want you to miss breakfast.
Oh, no, Max, thank you.
I'm not hungry.
Well, I am.
And I know how much that means to you to bring it to me.
Yes.
You Good.
Good hearty appetite returning.
First signpost on the road to recovery.
Right you are, Major.
Believe me, I'm not the kind of guy who can lay around here forever.
If after two or three weeks of this, if I'm not feeling better - it's up and at 'em, irregardless.
- Most admirable, Max.
But for today, after breakfast in bunk maybe you can wheel me over to the club to throw some darts.
- What? - Throw darts.
Of course a brainy guy like you might find that boring.
And I wouldn't dream of asking you to stay.
So feel free to come back here.
Maybe inventory supplies, even varnish the floor.
Max.
There is a fine line between Good Samaritan and abused toady.
At the moment, I am teetering on the precipice.
You are absolutely right.
I'm a fair man.
The floor can wait till tomorrow.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Attention all personnel.
We've got people coming in, folks, with more wounded than their pride.
- Let's go.
! As in now.
! - [Helicopter Approaching.]
[Chattering.]
[Sighs.]
- How're you doing? - Fine.
Fine.
Let's get going.
Good morning.
They woke me up just in time for the nightmare.
You and me both.
How come you brought your worse half? I thought I benched you.
I may not be able to do surgery, but I can still lend a hand.
- Well, if you're sure you're up to it, get over to pre-op.
- Okay.
I hope they have my size.
I'm tired of looking like a house painter.
Charles, why is it your clothes look slept in and your bed doesn't? Because I was up all night with a sick friend.
Is this the same friend to whom you pledged eternal gratitude just yesterday? Colonel, it seems like an eternity since yesterday.
- Oh, good morning, Doctor.
- Good morning, Colonel.
- Anything you need, just holler.
- Thank you.
Judging from the size of this place I think I should be able to find my way around pretty well.
Uh, you, uh, haven't been to a MASH unit before, so let me give you a little rundown.
The scrub suits are on the table, the masks are on the shelf and I am in charge.
Well, how fitting.
You're a perfect match for these crude surroundings.
- Yeah, well, wait, wait - Uh, look, there's gonna be enough blood in there without you two at each other's throats again.
Oh, don't worry about me, Colonel.
I'm a very easy man to work for.
- [Traeger.]
Suction.
- Suction, Doctor.
[Potter.]
How goes the battle, Traeger? This guy's belly looks like spaghetti.
That's why they call us meatball surgeons.
Not like a day at the office, is it? No.
But it's nothing I can't handle, Chief.
[Charles.]
Dr.
Traeger, you are obviously an able surgeon which means you're a terrible disappointment to Pierce.
Here you are, more gloves.
Max! How nice to see you up and about and looking so well.
When lives are in the balance, a Klinger is always there no matter how great the pain or injury, as you are well aware.
I'm sure I won't forget it as long as you live.
Needless to say, I'll be really beat after this grueling session.
Oh, it's such a load off my mind knowing that you'll be here to put away the towel hamper so nobody will trip over it.
I can't wait for his nose to get better so that I can break it again.
This one's next.
Get him inside right away.
- Put some more pressure on this.
- Yes, Doctor.
- He can wait.
- Sorry, Doc.
Could I have a corpsman or a busboy to clear the table? Well, now that that kid's stomach is tied up in knots, he'll be fine.
[Margaret.]
Nice job, Doctor.
It's hard to believe this is your first time in combat surgery.
Surgery is surgery, Major.
Only where I come from, the patients don't share a room until after the operation.
[Chuckles.]
That takes care of the shrapnel.
Now let's see about this resection.
Oh, you're right.
I'll get the Babcock clamps.
Hold it a second, Traeger.
I better double check.
[Traeger.]
Can't you keep your second opinions to yourself? Sorry, Doctor.
There's a big difference between a hospital zone and a war zone.
Shrapnel just loves to play hide-and-seek.
You gotta look real close.
Use your hands.
Up to your elbows if necessary.
[Traeger.]
Gee, I wish I'd thought of that.
Did you find anything? [Hawkeye.]
Where the hell's my next patient? And give me some fresh gloves.
- Who's next? Let's go! Who's next? - I think it better be me.
- Oh, God! Your hand looks like it's seen a ghost.
- The fingers are numb.
- What's with Hunnicutt? - Pulse is diminished.
Poor circulation to his hand.
- I think he may have a compartment hemorrhage.
- [B.
J.
.]
Oh, boy.
[Traeger.]
A way to find out is to lift that middle finger, see how bad it hurts.
[B.
J.
.]
Go on.
You're just following doctor's orders.
- Ohh! - [Margaret.]
Oh, God.
That's a compartment hemorrhage, all right.
[Traeger.]
That hand needs to be operated on immediately or he's gonna lose the use of it.
- Okay, Traeger, you got a patient over there.
- Well, what about this one? I'll take this one.
I specialize in meatball surgery.
Whatever you say, boss.
I just work here.
[Potter.]
Enough chitchat.
Get cutting.
Well, you're a lucky man.
It seems your friend here has finally decided who's the best man for the job.
You better watch what you say, Traeger.
I've still got one good hand.
- That hurt? - A little.
That's all right, that's all right.
The color's a lot better too.
Flex it.
Mm-hmm! Oh, thanks a lot, Doc.
- Congratulations, Beej.
You're a two-fisted drinker again.
- Hmm.
- You did a terrific job, Doctor.
- Of course I did.
What did you expect? I'm not an intern, you know.
Do you believe this guy? If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
And, damn it, he is.
But he's still a jackass.
[Chuckling.]
I know what I should have done.
- What? - I could have really showed him.
- Should have died right there on the table.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy.
- Wouldn't we have had the last laugh? - Well, you would.
Well, yeah.
[Klinger On P.
A.
.]
Paging Charles Emerson Winchester, the living.
This is your savior speaking.
You are wanted in the reading room.
So, for the last time, I say, chop-chop, Chuck-Chuck.
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I lost my copy of I, the Jury.
You can help me find it.
Fear not, dear Maxwell.
Mr.
Spillane's torrid tome is in the safest of hands.
Mine.
- How appropriate.
A plain brown wrapper.
- [Chuckles.]
- Well, let's get started.
- Rather than reading and more in keeping with your heroism what I propose is an I, the Jury ticker-tape parade.
- I don't understand.
- Oh, well, then, let me Spillane.