Scrubs s09e10 Episode Script

Mom, I love that you're proud of me, but I'm not a doctor yet.
You can't keep giving my number out to women in your church group and saying I'll help them.
I can't.
Oh, hey, tell your mom the cookies she made are ridic.
Yes, that's him.
It means "ridiculous.
" No, there's no reason to shorten that word.
Look, I gotta go.
Bye.
Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she? No, she's crazy about you.
See, you're lying.
You're chewing on your hair.
Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case.
You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're gonna yell at me and you get a far-off look in your eyes when you narrate in your head.
Even though Cole and I were clicking - There it is! - Stop noticing things I do! Even though Cole and I were clicking, there was another couple that was even more in sync than we were.
Queer.
Hey, before you go study, I need your help.
I have a patient who had to pee on a ski lift, so she pulled her pants down and her butt froze to the seat.
And when she got off, she lost most of the skin on her ass.
- What's the question? - Can I laugh at that? - That depends.
Is she within earshot? - No.
It's funny.
No butt skin.
- I lied.
She's right behind you.
- What? Ouch.
Well, chapter 14 is down.
Only 400 more pages to go before the test tomorrow.
I've never had to work this hard in my life.
School's always been easy for me.
Not to brag, but I was my high school and college valedictorian.
- Me, too.
- Me, too.
I was on the cover of Time magazine as a 9-year-old because I invented a new kind of laser.
Trang, you are so smart.
Babe, you're smothering me.
You can be a big fish at home, then you get to med school and everybody's brilliant.
Man, you brainiacs think you have it tough? My 'rents made me go to med school because everyone on my dad's side is a doctor.
Okay, on my mom's side, everyone is a bounty hunter.
I don't know why I couldn't go to school for that.
Everyone in my entire family is counting on me to become a doctor.
And just in case I forget that fact, my mom calls me every eight minutes to check in.
I feel the pressure, too.
Not so much from my parents, mostly because they think I'm dead.
All right.
Moving on.
The nervous system.
Bar codes? What the hell is this, a supermarket? That's a human being, for God's sake.
Listen, old prospector, I know that any new machine scares you, but here's the well-held secret.
You know that box that records your favorite television shows? There isn't a demon inside of it.
Then how does it know what I like? I miss the good old days when doctors and patients actually got to know each other.
You know, back when sexually harassing a nurse was just considered polite chitchat.
Yes.
The good old days.
Back when a man of my color couldn't be a doctor, but could live out his lifelong dream of one day driving a white woman to her hair appointments.
Yes, things were much better back then.
See? Turkleton gets it.
Happy test day.
You know, I'll be there, so don't mess it up.
- Crap, I'm already late.
- Wait.
Breakfast.
Strawberry frosting? Nice.
Yeah, you got fruit, dairy, enough sugar for a month.
- What else do you need? - Spoon.
Use your fingers, Queen Elizabeth.
Mmm! Delicious.
I'll see you later.
I love you.
Um - What was that? - That just sort of slipped out.
I'm gonna just assume that was the frosting talking 'cause you know that's something I don't ever want to hear.
- So, would you like to take that back? - Yes, please.
Hello, again.
Yeah, you know what? I don't want to take it back.
'Cause it's the truth.
Since the second I met you, you've made everything in my life better.
So, ha, yeah, I love you.
Perry, I thought we agreed you wouldn't page me during lunch and I wouldn't make you do cool hip-hop handshakes.
Fine.
Then I owe you a fist bump and a peace out.
But in the meantime, I need a surgical consult on a patient with ulcerative colitis.
She is a lesbian.
Hey, babe, you ever thought about being with another chick? No, Cole.
Ew! I only tell you this so that I can remain relatively guilt-free for when you do inevitably stick one of your size 13 caveman feet - firmly into your own mouth.
- I can handle a lesbian.
I'm a professional doctor.
Give me what you owe me.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah! All right, then.
Books down, murderers.
It is time to show off your useless regurgitation skills.
Dr.
Mahoney will be your proctor.
There you go.
Try not to tell the test that you're in love with it.
Sorry, dawg.
Already called shotgun on the lesbian.
You can't call shotgun on a person.
- All right, then.
Dibs.
- Damn it.
Dibs works.
Todd, I'll let you run point on this, but you gotta be cool.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Lesbian, I'll be your lesbian.
I got it from here, Todd.
- I said I've got it from here, Todd.
- Okay.
All right, then, gutter scum.
I just found this cheat sheet.
Any of you who left this room during the test, stays.
The rest of you, get out! Out! Now, I gotta tell you that I feel pretty confident that I can maintain a certain level of calm if the owner of this would simply admit to it.
Anyone? Go ahead and get that.
Hi, Mom.
No, the test isn't over, so I don't know my grade yet.
I'm so sorry, it's really hard to get her off the phone.
I get that.
My mom's the same way.
Let me see this.
That works.
I found this cheat sheet in the unisex bathroom just outside this hall.
So, either we have a Matt Damon-type custodian with an extensive knowledge of the central nervous system, or one of you cheated.
And since just last week I saw one of our fine janitors eat a piece of chalk, I'm guessing the latter.
Here's the deal.
You're all going to be locked in this room until one of you comes forward and takes responsibility.
I hope you all think long and hard about what you've done.
No, no, no, no, no.
Butch, this happened on your watch.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Would it make any difference if I told you I have a personal issue that makes staying in here really horrible for me? It would make me quite a bit happier.
Ha.
- Beth, this is Dr.
Turk.
- How are you doing? She must be your lady friend, huh? Your lover.
I don't even know why I whispered that.
I just don't know what you guys call each other nowadays.
What is it? Are you uncomfortable around lesbians? What? Me? No.
Nicole, I'm gonna run a series of tests on you, but it would help me out a lot if you could tell me what type of stomach pain you were having.
It's not that bad, really.
The truth is Beth wanted me to get checked out.
We're going on vacation next week to lbiza with a bunch of our girlfriends.
And all we do is dance, drink and, uh, swim.
Are you okay, Dr.
Turk? Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just thinking about my family vacation to Ohio.
Yeah, we, uh We visited two science centers and it was a lot of fun.
My daughter got scared, though, so we had to spend most of the time in the car.
It was pretty awesome.
Twenty-eight, 29, 30.
Damn, Trang, you are impervious to pain.
Pay up, bitch.
Dr.
Cox has to let us out eventually.
I mean, he can't keep us here forever.
Can he? What's your secret? Shea butter and big, floppy sun hats.
Oh, and I made a deal with a witch.
How come witches never offer me a deal? I'm approachable.
Drew, come on, just admit you cheated.
It's okay.
You didn't have time to study.
You were out in a meadow, pressing wildflowers and writing love sonnets.
Yes.
Me telling you I love you makes me a 19th-century dandy.
Hey, Maya, you and Trang both left during the test.
Where were you? Guys, we all left at some point.
She's right.
We have to stop turning on each other, especially since it's so obvious that Cole is the one who cheated.
I'm sure Cole has some great explanation.
Cole, what were you doing in the bathroom? Doing my test prep, okay? Part one.
Dropping a D.
Part two.
Using the mnemonics skills I picked up at ADD camp.
Okay, I remember the circulatory system by singing Nickelback.
Wow, that makes a kind of horrible sense.
How'd that go for you? Awkward or really awkward? - Neither.
Super awkward.
- Oh! Look, Nicole's colitis is pretty advanced and surgery is too risky due to her diabetes and thrombocytopenia.
We'll just treat her with steroids, then.
She must be in a lot of pain.
I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Maybe she did, but you didn't hear her because you were fantasizing about being stranded on Lesbian Island.
Is that a real place? Because I can leave tonight.
- What? - We're just hard-staring you away.
Oh.
There's only one way to prove your innocence.
It's a human lie detector test.
I take your pulse and I ask you some basic questions.
You can't tell if I'm lying.
I play online poker.
- You ever kissed a dude? - No.
- Lie.
- It was a lacrosse initiation.
- I didn't even want to do it.
- My God, your pulse is racing.
Hey, forget this, man.
What about you? I hope it was Drew and I hope he gets his butt thrown out of here.
What did he do to you? Did he smack you around? Worse.
He told me he loved me.
Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so then he can just let me down.
Crazy idea.
You could just say "I love you" back.
Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, escape, come back and kill you for giving me that advice.
I love how our friendship is based predominantly on threats, but as much as they do terrify me, I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
You and Drew are awesome together.
Quit being such a chicken and just go for it.
Hey, you never told us why you were in the bathroom.
In the bathroom taking a leak.
Didn't you stop using public toilets after you lived in a gas station bathroom for a month? That's right.
It was your fun fact at orientation.
Maya's fact was she's color-blind, and Trang absorbed his twin sister in the womb.
That's why he's so smart.
My boy's got two brains.
- That's not how it works, genius.
- Why are you lying, Drew? - What are you covering up? - I was on the phone, all right? You made a phone call in the middle of a test? - To who? - It doesn't matter.
Um I can still feel you staring at me like a cheetah stares at a gazelle.
I'm thinking.
Fine.
What the hell, I'll tell the jackass I love him.
It was a personal call and it's nobody's business.
It is our business, 'cause you weren't on the phone.
- You were cheating.
- I wasn't cheating.
I can prove it.
I was on the phone with my divorce lawyer.
- You're married? - A little.
You always put yourself at risk when you decide to trust someone else Listen, I can explain.
The good news is that we can manage your colitis with steroids.
There are some side effects, however, including fatigue, insomnia and weight gain.
Isn't there an operation I can have? Yes, there is, but with your preexisting conditions, surgery could prove fatal.
whether you're trusting a patient to respond a certain way I don't care, I want the surgery.
or counting on your peers to let an awkward moment go by.
Hey.
How come you never introduced us to your wife? Oh! I get it.
Her face is busted, right? I'm sick of this crap.
Now, we all know I didn't cheat, so it's gotta be one of you.
Maya? Trang? Lucy? It wasn't me.
But the hardest thing is when people put their trust in you and you're the one who's been lying all along.
- How'd that hair taste? - Like regret, and coconut because of my new conditioner.
But mostly like regret.
I never should have cheated.
What am I gonna do? Hi, boys and girls.
Anybody admit to anything yet? Here's what I'm going to do.
If someone doesn't tell me who did it, I'm gonna make you all retake the test.
It's gonna be a new test, gonna be 10 times as hard.
It's not just gonna be on medicine.
It's going to be on everything.
Baseball statistics, North Dakota high schools, the geography of a made-up fantasy world I like to call Coxatopia.
That's a magic land where the rivers run of scotch and hordes of pigs feed on the bones of cheating med students.
Where's Mahoney and Drew? Okay, yes, I have a wife.
Let's start there.
It was a drunken mistake.
I've been trying to get out of it ever since.
What else haven't you told me? I mean, have any kids? Have you robbed a bank? Were you in a cult? No! No, and I wouldn't call it a cult.
It was more like a marketing opportunity that ended with us all living on a compound.
What the hell? Both of you get your asses back in that room.
No.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you a pass because you have murder eyes.
But, you, (WHISTLING) go.
I just think choosing surgery could kill you.
Talk to your lady sidekick.
What's the word I'm looking for? I don't want Beth knowing anything about this.
I want the surgery and there's nothing you can say that'll change my mind.
Please, tell me you've got some good news for me on this godforsaken day.
She's still refusing steroids.
I don't get it.
What are we missing? As usual, you are missing the point.
She walked in off the street and you didn't take the time to find out anything about her.
She could be anybody.
A princess or a terrorist or a hot lesbian.
Bob, she is a hot lesbian.
I knew one day that example would make sense.
And we did talk to her.
About her condition, but not about what makes her tick.
You see, in the old days, when we knew everything about a patient, their decisions never surprised you.
You find out more about that young lady, I bet you'll find the answer.
If only there was a way to learn more about her.
To the Internet! I'm not like your girlfriend, Dorian.
I don't roll like that.
All right.
I'm just trying to make it through the day.
As you please.
This is Denise.
Leave a message after the stupid beep.
Denise, it's Drew.
Look, if you're not into me anymore, that's fine, because there are a lot of women who get hot for married guys.
Ha, ha, ha.
Too soon? Probably.
Look, I'm a jerk.
And I'm a mess.
And please call me back.
I can't take this anymore.
I have to turn myself in.
Oh, babe, babe, you don't have to do that.
I do.
It's not right.
Hey, guys.
I'm really sorry I didn't say this hours ago, but the truth is I cheated.
All right? I told Lucy earlier and she's been protecting me.
Boom.
Twist.
Wow! The cheating cheater who everybody thought cheated is the one who cheated.
You're right, sweet twist.
Dr.
Cox, check this out.
- My God.
Is that Nicole? - Yes.
Is this why you don't want to take steroids? Because you're worried about how much weight you're gonna gain? That was eight years ago.
Beth has never known me like this and I don't want her to.
We're talking about your health here.
Beth is going to understand.
Before you make any decisions, do yourself a favor and talk it over with your partner.
Partner.
Thank you.
Partner.
That's the word I was looking for.
"Partner.
" You guys are lesbian partners together.
I'm gonna just back out, but think about it.
- Cole, what are you doing? - Baby, I'm untouchable at this school.
I'll take the fall for you.
And because this is so noble, I'm gonna walk out in dramatic slo-mo.
You can't let him do this.
Just tell them.
I am the one who cheated.
No, out loud.
Tell them out loud.
It was me.
I was the one who cheated.
Are you sure? Because we're all signed off on Cole taking the blame.
Yes, I did it.
I hate myself for it.
I'm so sorry.
It's just that I am drowning here.
Ever since I got to med school, everything's been a struggle.
I wanted a win.
Something that I could tell my mom about without being full of crap.
I'm really sorry, truly, for putting you all through this and I'll go tell Dr.
Cox that I cheated.
Come on, what would Carla say if she found out that you'd already been married once before? Yo, whoa, whoa! Don't even joke like that.
If that gets back to Carla, I'm a dead man.
Talking about me being married before Carla.
Dr.
Turk, you were married before? We're talking here.
That's one of Carla's girlfriends.
I can't have that.
This is just as bad as if I were to call Carla bitchy.
You think Carla's bitchy? No, I didn't say Sheila, just take your butt to where it needs to be and stay there! I just feel like I finally found someone I can trust and then he goes and does this.
I mean, what am I supposed to do now? Look at those two right there.
I hear you.
Everyone thinks I'm a little butch anyway.
I mean, I might as well dive in.
No.
Denise, no.
Nicole is one of my patients.
And she was willing to risk death to keep her past from her partner.
I just learned that word, by the way.
"Partner.
" - I'm proud of you.
- Sometimes when you really care about someone, you want them to know you just as you are right now, the best version of yourself.
Are you really going to blame Drew for that? Hey.
Guys, have you seen Dr.
Cox? He went back to the lecture hall, mumbling something about feeding med students to pigs.
Great.
Deep breath.
I can do this.
Please, tell me exactly what part of "don't leave this room" is lost on you.
- Look, Dr.
Cox - Go sit down.
Now, since you all claim that you have no idea who the cheater is, the re-exam will be tomorrow morning at 4:00 a.
m.
Outside.
Rain or shine.
Although, if I were you, I'd plan for rain because I'm gonna bring a hose.
What the Fraggle Rock just happened? You guys didn't turn me in? No, truth is I'm drowning here, too.
And the only reason I'm surviving is because of you.
I mean, this place is straight-up Chuck Norris.
Tough as balls.
We're all having trouble.
Even you, Drew? No, but I've had, like, You deserve at least one, right? Just don't do it again.
They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes you need a little push.
She's gonna go with the steroids.
Should we tell Kelso he was right? I'll just send him an e-mail.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know how to turn his computer on.
Mmm.
Telling the truth's just the beginning.
Owning it's the hard part.
Hey, Mom.
School's great.
Actually, it's a lot harder than I thought and I'm having a really tough time.
Because the one thing you can never run from is how you really feel.
- Hey.
- Don't talk.
I have something to say.
And after I say it, I don't want you to say anything back and I don't want you to look at me and I don't want it acknowledged at all.
I love you.
Now, don't talk to me for a couple of days.
Carla, calm down, okay? I don't care what Sheila said.
I was never married and I didn't call you bitchy.
I know she's a good friend of yours, but that woman is crazy, baby.
She's crazy.
No, I What do you But that Don't you hang up on me! Don't Damn, my wife is annoying.
What do you say? 20 bucks a head to keep your mouths shut? All right, follow me to the ATM.
Come on.