The Simpsons s09e10 Episode Script

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Bell Ringing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Ooh.
[Grunting.]
Stupid heater! Don't make me come in there.
Why do you always wait until Christmas Eve to do your shopping? The crowds are just beastly.
You know me, Marge.
I crave the hustle and bustle.
[Grunting.]
[Grunts.]
- [Chattering.]
- Homer, look at this mob.
The good toys are probably all gone.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, Santa's got a little trick up his sleeve.
Attention shoppers, Register 9 is now open for your shopping convenience.
Sorry, these are for display only.
This has been recalled.
Ooh, Bart would like this.
We're out of these.
- Out? But I just- - Register 9 is now closed.
[Giggles.]
Hey, kids.
I made your favorite cookies.
Christmas trees for the girls and bloody spearheads for Bart.
Aw, thanks, Mom.
[Groaning.]
This year's tree is just perfect.
That old aluminium one was so fake.
I couldn't agree more.
From now on, it's plastic all the way.
- [Footsteps.]
- [Bells Jingling.]
- Bart, did you hear that? - Could it be? - [Screaming.]
- Whoa! [Laughing.]
[Whimpering.]
Come on, kids.
Let's try the lights.
[Electrical Crackling.]
It's "craptacular.
" [Bleating.]
Hocus-pocus.
Mucous "pukeous.
" My powers of deduction tell me you're getting a handmade sweater, possibly yellow.
Mom, make him stop! Bart, put down that yellow sweater.
Nobody's going near their presents until 7:00 tomorrow morning.
- [All Groaning.]
- 7:00 a.
m.
, no earlier.
And you can't set your alarm clocks, 'cause I've got 'em.
- For once, we're gonna celebrate Christmas as a family.
- [Knocking.]
Hello? Anybody home? Twelve glasses of water.
That will wake me up nice and early.
And I'll have a big head start on opening presents.
- Pure genius.
- You didn't invent that, Bart.
The Indians used to drink water to wake up early for their attacks.
[Groans.]
It's always about the Indians, isn't it, Lise? Dear Santa, if you bring me lots of good stuff I promise not to do anything bad between now and when I wake up, amen.
Ow! I'll kill you.
[Water Dripping.]
[Dripping Continues.]
[Screaming.]
[Thunderclap.]
- There you go.
- Get him up there.
[Crowd Cheering.]
Go! Go! Go! We're number one! - Give me a "P"! - "P"! Go! Go! Go! "P"! "P"! "P"! [Chuckles.]
Worked like a charm.
[Groaning.]
[Toilet Flushing.]
[Sighs.]
How sweet it is.
Hmm.
[Laughing.]
Oh, Aunt Selma.
Always good for a fin.
Whoa, here we go.
[Gasps.]
The Inferno Buster 3000! Oh, I knew Santa wouldn't have time to check that list twice.
Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
- [Siren Wailing.]
Uh-oh.
Eek! [Screaming.]
Who designed this house? [Bleating.]
Homer.
Homer, I think I heard a noise.
[Bleating.]
[Breathing.]
Knock it off.
Snow covers all.
Pure, white snow.
[Gasps, Gulps.]
I gotta get back to bed.
- [Marge Gasps.]
What happened? - [Gasps.]
[Stammering.]
Where's Christmas? Lisa, where's Christmas? Bart, what were you doing outside? I don't know how to tell you this, but I came down a little early, and uh, well, uh I saw a burglar and he was- he took- [Sobbing.]
he got all our stuff.
Including the tree.
[Sobbing.]
- We were robbed? - [Sobbing.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- [Gasping.]
- How could somebody- I know! [Sobbing.]
[Sobbing.]
Can we skip church? Now, uh, what did this Christmas thief look like? Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg - a big scar on his cheek.
- Anything unusual? Hooks for hands, uh- Oh, he was wearing a striped convict's shirt.
He was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.
[Scoffs.]
Classic burglar.
Aw, cheer up.
We'll catch this guy.
- Uh, chief- - What? You can't rule it out.
- [Door Shuts.]
- Well, there's no easy way to say it, kid.
God hates us.
Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Arert we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa.
Bart's absolutely right.
This is the one day that shouldn't be about material things.
Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? - That will make us feel better.
- Oh, okay.
But they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
##[Christmas Carols On Stereo.]
Looks like the Flanders are having a nice Christmas.
Oh, yeah? We'll show 'em.
Come on, kids.
Pretend we got new cross-country skis.
[Honking.]
Merry Christmas, Simpsons! [Laughing.]
That's not as fun as it looks.
Nothing could be as fun as that looks.
Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty! - [Goofy Laugh.]
Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.
- [Laughing.]
- Ow! - [Marge.]
Homer! ##[Christmas Rop On Stereo.]
Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable.
What the hell's going on? Oh, the pharmaceutical man come by and he shot us full of Christmas cheer.
[Laughing.]
I can't feel nothing below my chin.
##[Continues.]
[Squeaking.]
Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer.
You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? - Society.
- Yeah.
You're right, Moe.
You're always Moe.
Homer, look.
Your house is on TV.
You take that back, Barney.
- No, he's right, Homer.
- Stay out of this, old man.
Dateline, Kent Brockman.
I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary where a creature was stirring last night and what he was stirring was up trouble.
Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? No, my husband is at church.
Aw, that's my girl.
I love you, Marjorie.
- Yeah, she's quite a gal.
- You shut up.
So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel? How do you think I felt? Absolutely devastated.
"Absolutely devastated.
" The words of a heartbroken mother.
For there will be no fire truck for little Bart no sweater for little Lisa no Cajun sausage for little Homer.
- [Wails.]
- So while you're home today eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey I hope you'll all choke just a little bit.
Lousy doormat.
Homer, you won't believe what's happened.
It's a miracle.
Aw, Marge, I don't wanna hear any more about that silver polish.
- Surprise! - [Cheering.]
- ## [Christmas Carol.]
- People saw our story on the news and they've opened their hearts to us.
Yar, we just gave what we could.
Does anyone have change for a button? - Wow, this really restores your faith in- - ##[Continues.]
Lisa! Do you have to practice that stupid song now? - Sorry, Daddy.
- Hey, heard some no-goodnik stole your tree.
Well, we got a 30-footer, so you can have the top of ours.
Thanks, Ted.
Bart, this is Patches.
- And what was your name? - Poor Violet.
Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Your story made everyone at the orphanage so sad.
- We want you to have this dollar we were saving.
- Please, I don't deserve this.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
The Simpsons are the best friends I ever had.
So I'm giving them the tip jar from the bar.
[Cheering, Laughing.]
My goodness, there is over $15,000 here.
Holy "schlamola"! What are you gonna do with all that "kablingy"? Well, if you mean the money I suppose we'll just replace the items the burglar took- Boring! Spend it on something fun.
- Go wild! Ha! Right, Seymour? - Yes, something wild.
- Yeah, enjoy, huh? - Get something fun.
- Something stupid.
- You only live once.
- Speak for yourself.
Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness.
[Cheering.]
God bless you, Bart Simpson.
I'd kiss you, but Doctor says I'm sick.
[Coughs.]
Is this car $15,000? Yeah, it is now.
And because of your loss, folks I'll throw in the undercoating for What a deal.
I'd be a sucker not to get it.
I don't know about this, Dad.
Shouldrt we give the money to charity or some- Ow! Oh, I'm sorry.
I jabbed you with my pen.
- Ow! You're still doing it.
- Yeah, I know.
[Singing Christmas Carol.]
[Continues.]
Oh, will this Christmas never end? [Honking Horn.]
Out of my way, snow poke.
- Slow down, Homer.
- Don't worry, honey.
I know exactly what I'm- Whoopsie.
Tap the brakes.
Tap the brakes.
- Turn into the skid.
- No, away from the skid.
- Hit the brakes! - Floor it! - Go with it! - Shut up.
One at a time.
- Lisa? - Bail out! [All Screaming.]
Oh, that was close.
[Cracking.]
[Explosion.]
- Oh, I knew this would happen.
- Well at least the burglar's having a merry Christmas.
- Bart.
You're up early.
- I couldn't sleep.
What's wrong? [Sighs.]
There was no burglar.
- No burglar? - What does he mean, no burglar? I accidentally burned up the tree and the presents.
I'm really sorry.
- You little- - [Homer.]
Lisa, no! - Your hands are too weak.
- [Gagging.]
- Stop that.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, I'm killing him first.
- [All Shouting.]
- [Doorbell Rings.]
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons.
Folks, any words for the Christmas thief, if he's watching? Eh, yes, Kent.
Uh, hello, jerk.
We may never find you and we should probably all stop looking.
But one thing's for sure, you do exist.
Strong words.
Strong, bewildering words.
- Also, we want to thank the whole town for their generosity.
- [Dog Growling.]
Hey, look.
It's little Bart's fire truck.
[Gasps.]
Little Lisa's sweater.
Little Homer's sausage.
What in the name of holy hell is going on here? Oh, it's true.
We werert robbed.
That part we made up, but the rest is true.
[Sobbing.]
Wait.
He's just covering for me.
I destroyed the presents.
Then I buried the evidence.
And I acted alone.
So the family never knew about any of this? Well, the boy told us, but that was after we filed a phony police report.
And after we spent all the townspeople's money.
So you can see why my husband had to lie to you a moment ago.
So this was all a scam.
And on Christmas.
Yeah, Jesus must be spinning in his grave.
We gave them our vitamin money.
[Coughs.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Shoo, you lousy freeloaders.
Come back when you get some parents.
In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things but this putrid fraud "out-stinks" them all.
[Man.]
And cut.
[Chuckling.]
I just wanna thank you folks so much.
This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.
I think they're running out of tomatoes.
- [Thud.]
- Yeah, but they still got plenty of pumpkins.
[Grunts.]
Homie, I'm so ashamed.
Relax, Marge.
This will all blow over.
[Groans.]
- [Chattering.]
- Oh, no.
Look at the line.
- Oh, there they are.
- Ah, it's the swindlers.
- The Simpsons.
- Ah, them stinkir liars.
Well, there goes Christmas dinner.
Oh, head of the line.
A family could get used to being shunned, huh? Huh? Hey, look, Sean.
It's that family everybody hates.
Whatever.
Uh, Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover.
Forget it, Lisa.
I'm not teaching you anything until I get my money back.
Now turn your desk around and stop learning.
All the way.
Hi, liar.
[Bird Cawing.]
Run for your lives, everyone! This is not a drill! [Scoffs.]
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Then while we're gone, you take our snacks.
- Just like you took our money.
- You tell him, Lenny.
[Coughing.]
"You'll all get yours in hell you lying, thieving"- [Clears Throat.]
blanking blankers- "Sincerely, Moe.
" Oh, great.
Now we have to send him a card.
I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
There's only one way out.
We've gotta give this greedy town its money back.
But we don't have $15,000.
Unless- ##[Easy Listening.]
##[Ends.]
Arert we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200 dollars.
- But Mr.
Trebek- - I asked you before the game if you knew the rules, and you said you did.
- Judges.
- Run, Mom.
She ain't gettir the home version.
[Sighs.]
I guess we better get used to being pariahs.
There's no shame in being a pariah.
Oh, no.
There's that angry mob again.
Hey, look who's here, everybody.
- Oh, hi! - [Chattering.]
Oh, my, they've forgiven us.
It's a miracle! You know, deep down, people are pretty gre- Hey, wait a minute.
They're taking our stuff.
Good Lord! [Humming Christmas Carol.]
Hot, hot, hot, hot.
If you're headir for the medicine cabinet, I already been there.
[Gasps.]
What the hell's goir on? Well, we hated being mad at you, Homer.
So we decided to make things right.
Consider your debt repaid, neighbor.
And then some.
Look.
I know this has been a stressful holiday.
But in a way, having nothing reminds us how lucky we really are.
- What? - We still have each other.
And isn't that the best gift of all? - But we would've had each other anyway.
- Yeah, plus lots of other stuff.
Maybe so, but there's one thing they forgot to take away from us.
This washcloth.
- Hey, that's my washcloth.
- The hell it is! - Give me that! Let go! - Give me that thing! - I want it! - Stop this madness.
It's just a washcloth.
Besides, it's mine.
Yoink! Hey, she's getting away with the washcloth.
- Head her off at the stairs! - Bart, you go around that way and cut her off! [Clamoring Continues.]
##[Country.]
##[Man Singing.]
##[Singing Continues.]
##[Singing Continues.]
##[Singing Continues.]
##[Continues, Instrumental.]
##[Ends.]
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!