Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e11 Episode Script

1 [Kay.]
John Luke, I can't believe you're going to college.
It seems like you just got out of high school.
Kay, he did just get out of high school.
He's onto bigger and better things.
I don't know about bigger and better, but he's going onto other things.
- [Korie.]
We're gonna miss him.
- Yep.
[Willie.]
The time has finally come to send John Luke to college, so we're hitting the road tomorrow to take him and his wife to their new home in Virginia.
Little Simba.
Seemed like yesterday, I was holding you up like this.
Aw.
Dad, that was yesterday.
Was it? [Willie.]
These kids grow up so fast.
I just kind of wish they were staying a little closer to home than Liberty University.
Before long, you'll be having kids, teaching them stuff.
[Korie.]
All right, Mr.
Memory Lane, I need a burger.
All right.
- Good talk, John Luke.
- I'm hungry.
I mean, Virginia's, like, a 14-hour drive.
That's a long time to be in an RV with your family.
Especially my family.
So let's get this straight.
What time are we leaving to Nashville? We're leaving at six o'clock.
We're going to Nashville? - No, "we're" not going.
- Tomorrow? - [Missy.]
You're not going.
- We're going.
What are you talking about? No, y'all gotta take me.
We're taking John Luke and Mary Kate to Liberty.
I know, that's fine.
We're going to Liberty so Cole can see it, and we're visiting Nashville to check on Reed in his new place.
And meet up with my buddy, Colt.
Then, hey, you gotta take me.
- Because look - Si.
I'm learning how to play the guitar.
And I'm fixin' to become a rock star.
- Si.
- Okay, I'm gonna knock Nashville's socks off.
Whoa.
Si, you've been playing the guitar for like two weeks.
I know it, but I'm good already.
Look, guys, there's different phases of life.
You're a kid, you're an adult, and then you're old.
Hey, I'm not afraid to say it.
I'm at the old part.
We can book him in at all the nursing homes in the area.
Hey You gotta be good at nursing homes.
You'd be out in the nursing home circuit.
[Si.]
Y'all gonna regret saying that when I'm a star.
The man wants to be a rock star, come on.
Look, it's my last shot, boys.
I can get killed by a comet tomorrow, you never know.
Gettin' old ain't that bad.
'Cause number one, I don't care what anybody else thinks.
I'm at that age.
All right? Just give me a chance.
That's all I'm saying.
- Y'all going to Nashville anyway.
- Fine! It's fine, but be prepared to carry some boxes when we get to Virginia, 'cause that's the main thing we're doing.
I'll help you unload John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Si, you're going to Nashville.
- There you go, all right.
- He's in.
- [Si.]
That's settled.
Look out, Nashville! Silas Merritt Robertson is coming to town, and old age is coming with him! Attention, everybody.
Was gonna give a little speech for John Luke and Mary Kate.
So they're heading off to school happily married.
And we'll be driving a truck up there with Si now.
[Korie.]
6:00 a.
m.
I'll see y'all at the butt crack of dawn.
[Korie.]
Great, Si.
All right, so we want to end with a toast.
To John Luke and Mary Kate.
- Cheerio.
- [Jase.]
Hear, hear! [Willie.]
So you wanna be a rock star, huh? [Si.]
I got a face for music, buddy.
[Willie.]
Si, you got a face for radio, I believe.
[Ducks quacking.]
[Jessica.]
Happy Birthday.
You're seven today.
Uh-huh.
When the rest of the family gets back from their trip, we're gonna do a big birthday party.
But today we're gonna celebrate with just us.
- Jep, you blew it out! - No, I didn't.
I can't believe our baby boy, River, is seven years old today.
What do you wanna do for your birthday, buddy? I wanna eat the cake.
It seems like yesterday I was holding that little peanut in my arms, and now he's so grown up.
Do you want to maybe go skating or bowling? No.
We're gonna have, like, a really big blowout next weekend.
But today's his actual birthday, so we're gonna do a little something special.
I wanna make a superhero movie.
Or we can just do something completely weird and random.
I showed him some of my old Duck Commander movies.
Like hunting DVDs, maybe? I wanna be the Assassin.
I've never heard of that superhero.
Well, he's a new one.
[Jessica.]
Is he good, or a bad person? - [Jep.]
He's just a complicated person.
- [Jessica.]
So he murders people? Uh-uh.
He does what he has to do to get paid and to do good.
Assassin! [Jabbering.]
This will be fun! Yay! Tomorrow, we make a movie called Assassin.
- Assassin.
- You are definitely my son.
You came from my loins.
[Jessica.]
Inappropriate.
- Smile, Willie.
- Si, I'm driving.
- Smile! - I can't smile.
All right, pick up! - Punch! - We there? - Stop.
- I need a bathroom.
Oh, great.
- I ain't pulling over.
- Hey, it's unsafe for me to try to walk back to the bathroom.
Okay? It's dangerous.
He's got a point.
Not only, not only for myself, it's dangerous for those that I'm walking by.
- Oh, great.
- Okay? You gonna pull over or not? No, I'm not pulling over.
I guess I'm gonna have to use my teacup.
- That's disgusting.
- So all the women close their eyes.
What? There's a sign that says, "School's starting.
School for all ages.
" And it's open.
This is my dad on trips, reading all the signs.
He reads every sign.
Si, you don't have to read every sign that we pass.
That was a good one back there.
Civil War Trail? Huh, and there's a cannon on top of the hill.
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Ford Avenue.
Broadway.
Yep.
Are we having fun yet on this road trip? Right, that's what I'm talking about.
This place looks great.
A very, um, Si-like store.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Y'all know the statement, "The clothes make the man?" - [Korie chuckles.]
- Hey.
We've hit the mother lode, buddy! [Willie.]
Five minutes into Nashville, and Korie and Sadie have already found a clothing store to check out.
But it's not them I'm worried about.
It's ZZ Flop and his big dreams.
Jackpot! Hurry up, we gotta go see Colt.
Si with ambition is like Gollum with his precious.
It's unpredictable and kind of creepy.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah, all right! I'm gonna try on a few things real quick.
Basically, I'm just trying to keep from spending my entire trip in Nashville on Si's delusions.
It's like my two worst things in the world.
Trying on clothes and then stuck with Si, combined.
[Si.]
Oh, look, hey, you can't expect nothing from somebody that ain't an artist.
Knucklehead! Okay, boys.
Look, camo pants are gone.
Uh-huh.
Yep.
Okay.
- [Willie.]
That is disturbing.
- [Si.]
Disturbing? Hey! - Watch your mouth.
- [Willie.]
You have the tiniest calves - I've ever seen in my life.
- [Si.]
Oh, shut up! Now I know why you don't wear shorts.
It's just two bones.
[Si.]
Oh, hush! - Si, hurry up.
We gotta go.
- [Si.]
Hey! - Hey! - [Si.]
Hey! - Hey! - Hey! Si, I'm fixin' to leave, right? And we're leaving you in this store.
- [Korie.]
Willie.
- Hey, you can't rush sexy, son.
[Groans.]
[Si.]
Most men, when they get my age, okay, and they hit their midlife crisises, the next thing, you know, they lose their mind.
Hey, but if you ask me, okay, I'm fixin' to hit life's sweet spot.
I'm ordering me about five to ten thousand dollars' worth of stuff and charge it to you.
Si, I told you I was spending $100, that's it.
Hey, the socks I got on cost $100.
I'm like a caterpillar fixin' to enter its cocoon.
And then, voila! Next thing you see, I'm a beautiful butterfly with the voice of an angel, okay and the guitar skills of Stevie Vay Ron.
Okay, I'm near ready, boys.
I'll be cooler than the other side of the pillow.
[Sadie.]
I like it.
Come on.
Come on up here.
[Korie.]
I don't like it.
This trip could transform my life and music, okay, as we know it, forever.
All right, what do ya think? - It's a little bit too flashy.
- What? But not in a good way flashy.
[Korie.]
It might be a little overkill.
You look like a cartoon character.
[Korie.]
It needs a little more pizzazz.
Interesting shirt.
Let's go with no camo pants.
O-kay.
[Korie.]
You already tried that on.
I don't support lunacy.
[Imitating guitar.]
God! [Imitating guitar.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, yeah.
This is the one.
Okay.
Here we go.
Look here.
The man formerly known as Si no longer exists.
- Nice.
- Love it.
I like it.
[Both.]
Perfect.
Now you're looking at the Royal Flush.
[Korie.]
I like it.
[Si.]
Hey, Willie, you do have your credit card, right? [Willie.]
Si, no.
[Si.]
Put it on the credit card.
[Phil.]
So, exactly what are we doing here, Jeppico? That's a great question, and as the director, I can answer that.
We are making a movie for River for his birthday entitled The Assassin.
- [Godwin.]
What? - Basically, the movie is, an evil wizard will capture the princess using foul henchmen, and River, The Assassin, rescues the princess.
What? I'm super pumped about River's movie.
As you can see, I have this.
Cool.
It's gonna be like a low-budget passion project, 'cause I really don't have the resources to do anything else.
Everybody's got a part.
Dad, you'll be playing the evil wizard.
You guys are henchmen.
[Jep.]
Sort of like I'm coaching a football team with some tennis players.
They're all about their rackets and their fuzzy balls.
They're not into pigskins, helmets, knocking people's heads off.
Mom, you're a wizardess.
Priscilla will be playing the president.
- Whoo! - Hello.
These are my assistants.
- I need some water.
- Quiet on the set, people.
Hey, but I'll take what I can get, which is pretty much the C-team.
My smoking hot, beautiful wife is the princess.
I would say D, but I got a thing for the princess.
All right, Dad.
This is your staff.
You got one line.
- My heebie-jeebie stick.
- That's actually your staff.
- Looks more like a broom, doesn't it? - You basically, you got one line.
- "Thou shalt not pass.
" - "You're on the wrong road.
" [Laughing.]
- "Thou shalt not pass.
" - "Don't go down that road," I got it.
"Thou shalt not pass.
" It's a good line.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Pass.
All right, and now, please welcome River, The Assassin.
Everybody clap.
[Cheering and applause.]
Do your cartwheel.
Do your round-off.
Man, I got chills.
[Cheering.]
- That's what Mama's talkin' about.
- That was pretty good.
Are you an assassin or a cheerleader? - Shut up! - Shut up.
[Jep.]
Oh, he'll get you later for that.
[All exclaiming.]
Easy.
Easy.
- Y'all ready to make the movie? - He don't have super powers.
- [Priscilla.]
Get him, Assassin! - [River.]
River of pain! [Groaning.]
[Martin.]
He's a mean one.
[Willie.]
Colt, this is awesome, man.
So the video's out? Cut 'em all, Jack.
It's worldwide, man.
Oh, man, that's awesome.
- It's unbelievable.
- Good? People are going crazy.
You did good, too, man.
Might be another music career for you.
I don't think I'll quit my day job.
Speaking about quitting a day job, I'm thinking about getting into the music biz.
What's your artist name gonna be? Is it gonna be Si? In Nashville, I'm gonna be known as the "Royal Flush.
" The Royal Flush.
Why the Royal Flush? Because I like poker.
There's been way worse ideas than that, I'll be honest with you.
There you go.
We're in my buddy Colt's studio, and Si's wasting no time trying to kick-start his music career.
Si, you look like a dead guy.
Hey, look, I'm networking here, son, okay.
Look, I'm all for Si pursuing his dreams.
I just wish his dream was something a little more realistic.
Me and you are down like four flat tires.
Oh, oh, right to the bottom.
I'm not trying to be mean, but Si is a little past his prime.
And that's putting it gently.
I mean, the man can't even tell a full story without totally losing his train of thought or taking a bathroom break.
Hey, y'all two like music.
What do you think? - Si, you'll be just like T-Swizzle.
- That's what I was thinking.
Keith Wiggle? - [Korie.]
T-Swizzle.
- [Laughing.]
Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift? Who is he? You have a lot to learn about your new industry, Si.
The music industry ain't exactly a business where old men become stars.
When's the last time you can remember a 66-year-old guy winning Best New Artist of the Year? Never.
I just had just a brainstorm, okay? Look, Royal Flush, okay? And here's the new album, Rhinestone is the New Black.
That ain't bad.
Let's see, uh They call me Si, y'all I spit that country grammar I drink that sweet tea Grew up in Louisiana I'm like the poker king They call me Royal Flush I spit that country grammar So, Willie, just hush - How about that? - [Si.]
There you go.
All right, so I did that.
Now you do, do what I just did.
Hey, look, this rapping thing, it's easier than I thought, okay? It's just, you know, you're telling a story.
Look, the other night, we're at Jase's house, okay.
We deal the cards out, okay.
I got pocket tens.
Jase has got pocket jacks.
Hey, he raises me 50.
I bump him a hundo.
[Laughing.]
Okay, the other two knuckleheads in the hand, they fold because they can't stand the heat in the kitchen.
Okay, Jase gets up and says, "I've got to go to the restroom.
" - Wait.
- [Si.]
I said, "Hold it.
"The hand is going on, and you can't do that, okay? - Play your cards.
" - [Colt.]
Is this a song? Are you describing a actual poker game? Well, this is a song but it was actually a poker game, too.
Okay.
- Okay, this is real.
- I mean, you may be onto something.
- Oh, no.
This is real, okay? - [Colt.]
Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep going.
Go, go, go.
Hey, even Colt Ford couldn't keep up with my rhymes.
Okay, we waited till the river, and Jase says, "I'm all in.
" I flopped a set of tens, so I said, "You lose, you idiot!" Nailed it.
Si! Good job.
Wow.
I can't believe how fast you picked that up.
I don't know what just happened.
Hey, word to your mother.
Maybe I can get you up onstage or something.
You never know, I mean that could be your big debut right there.
[Korie.]
Aw, I wish we could see that.
But we gotta get the kids to Lynchburg.
All right, look, hey, I'll have your people call my people.
- [Colt.]
I'll just text you.
- [Si.]
No, I don't have a cell phone.
[Jep.]
Put 'em in their spots.
- You're right here.
- I'm right here? Okay.
- Get out of the scene.
- We ready? The princess cries.
Roll.
Take one.
[Claps.]
First shot, Jess, you just start going, "Help!" Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet.
I need this three-shot.
What? - I might kick you on accident.
- Go.
Go, go.
Help! Help, Assassin! Save me! - Okay.
Okay.
- Was it not believable? [Godwin.]
What are we doing? [Jep.]
My bad, forgot to press "record.
" I want this movie to be great for River, but I think it's about time for Jep to take it down a notch on the whole director thing.
- Help! Help! - [Godwin.]
You'll never get away! - Save me! - You'll never get away! - Good.
Good.
- [Growling.]
It's not like we're professional actors.
Especially Phil.
I'm not sure if he even knows what's going on right now.
- Ready.
Go.
- Thou shalt not pass.
Not yet, Dad.
I think it's about time for Spielberg Robertson to wrap it up before I lose all feeling in my arms.
- Does that hat stink? - Gross! - And so I can slap Martin.
- Cut! - How ridiculous.
- All right, moving on.
[Godwin.]
All right, so we're on break? We got about three more scenes to shoot.
[Phil.]
Thou shalt not pass.
[Jep.]
Hold on, Dad, I hadn't started recording yet.
[Mary Kate.]
Where is our house? - I think that's it.
- Well, like, the rest of it.
It looks like a bunker.
Marriage is like a house.
[Chuckling.]
Yep.
Now that John Luke is married and graduated high school, he's officially leaving boyhood and entering manhood.
I mean, where are we gonna stay? We're all supposed to stay here.
There's not even a bathroom.
We got leaves and stuff, so Gross.
[chuckling.]
Which is why Korie and I left it up to him to set up his new house just outside of the Liberty campus.
[John Luke.]
The e-mail said it should be here.
John, did you know it wasn't gonna be done? - You can read the e-mail.
- Let me see.
[Mary Kate.]
It's not here.
- It said the house would be delivered.
- They have to put it together.
- I don't get it.
- It's not.
Yeah, it This is gonna be a while.
On the bright side, we don't have to help him move in and decorate.
School starts, like, very soon.
We don't have a house.
- What are we gonna do? - We can just live on love.
No, we need a house.
But we should probably revisit the whole "entering into manhood" talk.
- All you need's a good, strong tarp.
- Jase.
This'll probably be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage.
No, but they're newlyweds.
They need a few little luxuries.
[John Luke.]
We could just stay in the piece that's here.
We're not living here.
There's bears.
If a bear shows up, kill him and eat him.
And then tan his fur and use it for a garment.
- Yeah! - No, that no.
Look at the view.
Look at the woods.
You can live off the land here.
That's okay for a night, but I have a feeling this might be a while.
No, no, hey, a bear that weighs 400 pounds, you can eat on him for about a month.
[Laughing.]
Not with no refrigerator, you can't.
Oh, yeah, salt him down.
Mary Kate's a brand-new Robertson.
We gotta ease her in.
She married a Robertson.
Hey, the girl already knew what she was in for.
All right, look, maybe we just go see if we can find a condo or something by the school.
Let this finish.
It's just like my own marriage.
The house is something you care for.
Actually, this has nothing, I mean, 'cause this wasn't, this was just poorly planned.
- It was a miscommunication.
- There you go.
- It was a miscommunication.
- I misread the e-mail, I'm sorry.
So next time, before we drive 1,500 miles, we need to know more about where we're going.
[Si.]
That's right.
Communicate next time before we take this road trip.
All right, everybody know what they're doing? Godwin, you remember your line? - Huh? - [Jep.]
Whatever.
All right, let's do our slate.
Take four! - Lilly.
- Action! I'm the President of the United States, and, Assassin, you need to go save the princess.
You're not the President.
You're just a girl.
- Hey.
Stick to the script, okay, kids.
- What you talkin' about? Okay, now I'm gonna go save Mama.
No, we're not saving Mama.
We're saving the princess, okay? I'm here to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess! Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Shoot him with your laser guns.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
The man said "wait.
" I caught him.
What? There's two of you, it doesn't make sense.
There's two of me? Yeah, you gotta throw it out and not be seen.
Let me switch it to slow-mo.
- [Godwin.]
Okay.
- Action! Ahh! [Distorted scream.]
[Screams.]
[Kids laughing.]
There goes that dummy.
- Your head fell off.
- And your pants slid down.
No! That was terrible.
[Jep.]
You ever think about how something's gonna look in your head, and then you try to make it happen, and it goes nothing like what you imagined? That is basically my entire experience of trying to make this movie today.
Is this dummy supposed to be Godwin? Well, it was the best thing we could find on such short notice.
He's way too skinny.
That's not enough.
Well, you know, the camera adds ten pounds.
Yeah, we need to add a hundred pounds.
We're talking about Godwin here.
He's really, really fat.
He's right up there.
Good job, Godwin.
[Jep.]
It's like having a five-year-old try to draw you.
He might get a few things right.
But in the end, a bunch of squiggly lines, some jacked-up eyes, and one leg's way longer than the other one.
Plus his pants fell down, and it's showing off his little shimmy.
- It's just weird-looking.
- He is weird.
And the head has to explode on contact.
It's the whole point of the scene.
That is Godwin's prop double right now.
It's a jacked-up mess.
Take six.
[Screams.]
I think we're gonna have to do another take of that.
- Take seven.
- [Jep.]
Go.
No! - [Jep.]
Reset.
- [Growling.]
No! [Jep.]
Reset.
- No! - Cut! It's like no matter how many times we drop it from the roof, we just can't put it out of its misery.
All right, let's reset.
- Come on, back to one.
- Here's your arm.
- You'll pay for this, Assassin! - Grab his head! Take him back inside.
I'll get a part of his head.
- [Jep.]
Let's do it again.
- Ew, gross.
- Uh-oh, I broke something.
- See ya, Dad.
Or should I say director? [School bell rings.]
[Birds screeching.]
[Man.]
I'm gonna tell you a little bit about Liberty.
We've got, 14,500 students that take classes here on campus, - and we've also got - [Jase.]
How long is this tour? Well, to see everything that Liberty has to offer, we usually spend about three hours on a tour.
Three-hour tour.
Well, we can't do no three-hour tour.
What do you mean? Hey, haven't you ever seen Gilligan's Island? What? - No.
- I apologize for him.
Hey, look, don't apologize.
That's a sign of weakness.
Hey, look, let me tell you something, okay? Education.
That's a total waste on these young people.
I'd like to learn more about the school, so could we just, like, keep going? - [Missy.]
Sounds good, lead the way.
- Lead the way.
[Si.]
Why do they get all the good stuff? Hey, how about get a job and work for a living? Okay, we're here to learn about the campus, so - Okay, fine.
- What about y'all? Do y'all have any more questions that you wanna ask them? I got a question.
Is there a phone in every room? Everyone has cell phones.
Except me.
[Si.]
You might find this hard to believe.
But, hey, yours truly, I never graduated from college.
- Can I bring Sweet Pea with me? - Who's Sweet Pea? That's my cat.
She probably couldn't live in the dorm.
No pets? But, hey, if I go back to college It's party time! Hey, y'all got a taco here? A taco? Yeah.
- [Both.]
A single taco? - Yeah, a single taco.
[Jase.]
You sure it eats tacos? [Si.]
Sweet Pea will eat anything.
- He's like a goat.
- [Groans.]
- Can you tell me a - What about an ice machine? - Can you take him somewhere, please? - [Si.]
That way, I can go from from building to building when I need a ice refill.
I'm not sure if you could bring your tea to class.
Oh, no, no.
- That's it, he's out.
- No, I ain't out.
This goes where I go.
All right, Si, it's looking like you're not gonna be able to be a student here.
It's looking trouble for this university, okay? All right, how about this? Y'all keep going with the tour, and me and Si will meet you at the end.
That sounds like an awesome idea.
Good idea.
All right, well, we'll see y'all at the end of the tour.
If there's any paperwork to do, y'all do the paperwork to admit me.
I'm going with them.
Well, I'll show you the residence halls.
Thank you so much.
[Si.]
Have y'all got any open mic nights around here? - [Male guide.]
We sure do.
- [Si.]
It's party time! - [Korie.]
Hey! - [Man.]
Hey! - And your name? - Korie.
- Korie, we talked on the phone.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Hi, John Luke.
- [RA.]
John Luke, hey.
- Mary Kate.
- [RA.]
Mary Kate, hey.
- Hey, I'm Willie.
- Will, hey.
My name's Obey.
I'm the resident assistant here on the Residential Commons One.
[Korie.]
So because John Luke and Mary Kate's home is not ready yet and they literally have nowhere to stay, we are checking out the dorm situation on campus.
- Did you say "Obey"? - Yes.
We almost named John Luke, "Trust.
" - Obey.
- Mm-hmm.
[Korie.]
You would think Willie would be on his best behavior, considering this is John Luke starting a new school, making new friends, trying to find a place to actually live, but no.
It would be actually strange if he made it the whole day without embarrassing his son.
[Obey.]
One of our rooms isn't ready.
We have another room available, if you guys wanna check that out.
We'd love, we'd love to check it out.
I will obey what you say, Obey.
- All right.
Let's do it.
- What do you say? I just hope we can find something for John Luke and Mary Kate on such short notice.
Preferably something with a roof, and walls.
Oh, this is great.
[Willie.]
This is awesome.
Look at this fancy thing.
I don't even think I could fit in that.
A little small.
Two beds, bunk-style.
We have two desks, two dressers, two closets.
Do you not have any rooms that have, like, a queen bed or a full bed or No, it's usually just the twin.
Do sometimes people, like, sleep two to a bed? Yeah, like two spoons fit in the tray like that.
Not usually, guys are not Mary Kate, maybe y'all could just bring the mattresses down and put them on the floor.
That way, y'all could sleep together.
Sleep together? Wait, wait, wait.
We really can't have coed living on this floor.
- So So, like - So Wait, is this just for girls or boys? This is for boys, only.
[Willie.]
Moving off to college was supposed to be John Luke and Mary Kate's first big step towards being full-fledged adults.
Unfortunately, John Luke blew this one.
- We're married.
- Yeah.
- So they can't both stay here? - No.
Unless Mary Kate wants to get a short haircut and wear some dude clothes, I got be honest, I got nothing.
Yeah, this is just for two guys.
- Have you ever seen She's the Man? - No! [Willie.]
But John Luke is a man now.
He should be able to figure this out.
Do I look like a guy? I mean, it wouldn't be perfect, but, I mean, you could pass.
[Mary Kate.]
John Luke! And I should really stop overestimating John Luke.
[Korie.]
This is not gonna work.
It's not gonna work.
Thank you for your help.
[Obey.]
Okay, thanks, guys, I'm sorry.
[Mary Kate.]
I cannot believe you were gonna turn me into a boy.
[John Luke.]
You would've been a hot guy.
[Mary Kate.]
John Luke! Good job, buddy.
- [Jep.]
All right, guys.
- [Godwin.]
Power up.
This is the finale.
This is the fireworks.
This is where Jean-Claude Van Damme goes, "A-a-a-a-a-a!" Aah! - In Bloodsport? - Oh, yeah.
Remember that guy threw that stuff in his eyes? - Remember that - Chong Li.
- Oh, Chong Li? - Yeah.
Kumite.
Does everybody kind of know your roles? Mom, you're the first one to die.
You gotta think, like, Shakespearian.
I'm gonna melt.
That's the difference.
Well, you just, just die.
Just do it kind of naturally.
Just let it flow out.
You can cry if you want.
Well, I should've been a good person, I'm not that evil.
Mom, but he wanted you to be evil, you know.
Okay.
I'll try.
Put a little effort into it for his birthday.
[Grunts.]
- Okay.
- [Growling softly.]
- You just look crazy.
- Well, that But that's kind of good.
Kind of evil, too, crazy woman.
Martin, what do you got? I've got a question.
Is the Assassin gonna attack the director and take his pants back? Don't be talking about my pants.
Martin, River's gonna punch you in the gut.
- What? - Gut shot.
[Jep.]
I used to shoot the hunting videos for Duck Commander back in the day, so I know how to shoot a story and ducks.
Dad, you got the one line, remember? What do you say? "You can't.
" - Thou shalt - No entry.
Don't go down this road.
Thou shalt not pass.
Thou shalt not pass.
That's close.
But this is like trying to put together a puzzle with pieces that don't quite fit together.
Or listen to you when you tell them what to do.
Road closed.
No unauthorized personnel beyond this point.
Wrong way.
Do not enter.
- Seats taken.
- Thou shalt not pass.
All right, let's move on.
Nonetheless, it's still your job to put the puzzle together, and hopefully in the end, it somehow resembles the picture on the front of the box.
Or at least resemble something.
- All right, we ready? - Yeah.
Ready? Action! Quit playing with the dog! [Jessica.]
Save me, Assassin! Yes, awesome.
You're so cute.
You're darling.
Mom, you can't tell him he's cute.
You got to be like, "You dirty rat.
" You dirty rat.
- That's close.
- You're the dirty rat.
You're the rat.
- [Martin.]
Oh, boy - [Jep.]
Okay, that was a weird [groans.]
- No entry beyond this point.
- Freeze, wizard! [Jep.]
Hold on, we got to do one more take.
Dad, this is the final line.
I believe in you.
Bub, you ready? Action! Thou shalt not pass.
Freeze! Oh, I think I got a cramp.
Whoops, may not be.
- Oh, yes! - [Jep.]
Oh, he's down.
He's down.
Good death.
Victory! Help me! Help me, bub.
Help me, Assassin.
You're the best assassin in the whole wide world.
- Run, River.
Get it over with.
- Good job.
Hurry.
Hurry.
[Jep.]
This is taking forever.
All right, guys.
We could do that better.
One more take.
- [Jessica.]
No.
- [Godwin.]
We're out.
[Phil.]
Thou shalt not do any more takes.
[Willie.]
All right, good.
Y'all get the tents set up.
- Kids are in the tents.
- Adults in the RV.
Wait, could I stay in the RV? I'll just sleep in a chair or something.
All right.
Sadie, you can sleep in the RV.
- That's all we got room for.
- Sweet No, I get the couch.
[Willie.]
No, Si, you're not sleeping in the RV.
All right, then I'll take one of the captain's chairs.
Either the passenger or the driver.
No, Si, you're not sleeping in the RV.
- Well, he's an adult.
- I'm an adult.
No, you sleepwalk and you snore.
And don't forget about the night terrors.
So that basically makes you the triple threat of all sleep disorders, so you're out.
Fine.
I'll sleep out here in the great outdoors and be the pioneer of the Robertson family, okay? - Me and the bears.
- Perfect.
[Mary Kate.]
Like, for real, bears? Yeah, for real, bears.
Like, you really think there are bears? There are bears around here.
- There are bears here.
- They're bears.
I'm not afraid to get eaten by a bear, okay? As long as Willie's with us, hey, all the rest of us have nothing to fear.
'Cause, look, hey, that's a dinner bell standing, ringing, okay? Look, hey, I'm gonna tell you.
You're all safe, okay? We got the prime rib over here, okay? The bear will choose him first, trust me.
[Laughing.]
Okay, boys.
Okay Getting mauled by a bear, okay? Now, that's an entirely different story.
Oh, he'll tear you up something fierce, okay? He'll probably even kill you.
John Luke ain't got no problem either.
He's skinny.
But he probably won't eat you.
I'm starving.
We got some hot dogs? We got some food.
All right, I'll get the food I should've known you brought food everywhere you go.
He's got baked beans and marshmallows.
And I guarantee somewhere in there, he's got some ice cream stored away somewhere.
We've got good, fresh beans hot off the grill.
And I say so myself they're pretty good.
I'm not gonna test that out.
Si, I'm not putting anything inside my body that you have handled, looked at, or touched.
These are gourmet here, I'm telling you.
What are we gonna do about a house? Well, I think we got an idea.
We're gonna leave the RV here, and you guys can live in it, 'til the house is built.
And we're gonna fly home.
Boy, this is really gonna help your marriage.
Sometimes you need a little adversity.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
But if you die, all bets are off.
Okay, you're not helping.
- What do you mean? - I think we can do it.
You pretty much have no other choice.
[Chuckling.]
Now we have time, we can stop back to Nashville and see Colt's show.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Who's in? [Jase.]
I'm in.
[Willie.]
John Luke, you're gonna drive us to the airport, and then you can come back, set it all up.
All right, boys.
Let's leave this dump.
[Korie.]
Si, this is not a dump.
This is John Luke and Mary Kate's house.
[Si.]
Well, I mean, hey, it was a figure of speech okay? [Korie.]
Si.
Royal Flush.
[Imitating guitar.]
[Colt.]
Now, look, I got some friends of mine in the house.
Duck Commander is in the house tonight, baby.
[Crowd cheering.]
Willie, these people wanna see you up here! Y'all make some noise! [Cheering.]
What's going on? - What's up? - So I'm gonna tell y'all something.
Si said he wants to be in the record business.
He even got a new name for himself.
He loves playing cards, y'all, so he calls himself Royal Flush.
[Crowd cheering.]
Y'all make some noise for Royal Flush! Right here! Right here, the big flop himself! I'm gonna just let you do your thing.
I'll be back here.
Look here, okay? I normally sing, but in honor of this man right here, I'm gonna try to rap.
[Colt.]
I think you got it.
[Crowd cheering.]
Cue up that music, boys! Hey, my name is Royal Flush And, look, they call me that because, look I'm a poker-playing fiend and king The dealer deals out two cards Cut Mr.
Fives Si's been going on and on about his music career for the entire trip, and now that he's on stage, I have to admit, he's got some sort of watchable quality, like a car wreck on the side of the road.
The flop hit the board It's ace, ace, queen I guess sometimes you just have to slow down and listen to a senior citizen rap about a poker hand.
Royal Flush, he's got ace, queen And done flop the stone-cold nut I may regret this, but I also don't want to hear about it for the rest of my life.
- Dance for 'em one time.
- Hey.
Show 'em.
Look out, Jack.
Ohh, shake it, baby, shake it! Oh, my goodness! Look at them legs! - I'm done.
- All right.
Look here, Royal Flush out.
- [Microphone thuds.]
- [Cheering.]
[Jep.]
Well, thanks, everybody.
I wanna thank y'all for participating in the movie, and just, you know, supporting the arts.
- I thought it was River's movie.
- [Godwin.]
Yeah, me too.
We did something really cool that River will remember the rest of his life, I know I will.
And, you know, I think he had a great director.
[Kay.]
A humble one.
I'd like to kind of give a special thanks to the people who's inspired me.
Steven Spielberg.
[Jessica.]
Oh, okay.
Any Denzel movie, I love 'em all.
- JCVD.
- Who's that? Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Bloodsport.
I mean, that's really.
I think that's really kind of what inspired this whole thing.
What about us? Your kids, your mom and dad? You guys did pretty good.
But, I mean, Chong Li was, like, the best bad guy ever.
Kumite.
I'm proud of everybody that worked on this movie today, especially myself.
I'd like you to sit back and enjoy the director's cut.
It's just a home movie.
The Assassin.
You taking this thing to Sundance or something? If anybody doesn't like it, they're just not sophisticated.
Because this movie is freakin' awesome.
Mostly due to an awesome writer and director.
And my family did an okay job.
Jep, we knew you had it.
I've told myself that many a nights.
When you were younger, we thought it was just weird.
Thank you, Dad.
Whoo! [Godwin.]
This is like the regulation viewing, ain't it? Here we go.
[Godwin.]
Duh-duh-duh-duh.
Why have you got it in the future? [Godwin.]
Somebody used their thesaurus.
"A devastating nuclear war has left the human race under" [Jessica.]
Ohh.
At what point was I a robot? [Godwin.]
This is a Ring movie.
[Jep.]
"The super hot princess.
" It's so stupid.
He's still got words coming up.
[Martin.]
"Hyper-karate.
" [Jep.]
"Hyper-karate.
" I made that up.
[Godwin.]
Did you film any action? [Jessica.]
Laser punches.
How much writing, is this it? Are you gonna show the footage, or is this a novel? [Jep.]
Hey, son, you gotta build up your - [Godwin.]
Still writin'.
- [Martin.]
Oh, boy.
[Jessica.]
Ready? [Jessica.]
"The Assassin!" That's what it says.
[Jep.]
And that just hits you in the teeth right there.
[Jessica.]
Help! Help, Assassin! You're the only one that can save me! - He can't save you now? - Help! You'll never get away! You'll never get away.
You're never getting away! [Jessica.]
What's up with your voice? Help! I'm the President of the United States, and, Assassin, you need to go save the princess.
I need to save the princess.
You'll never find the princess! Oh, laser beams.
Yes, give me five.
[Screaming.]
[All exclaiming.]
[Jessica.]
You've dropped your pants, Godwin.
This is PG-13 right here.
[Godwin.]
That's all of him, poor fella.
Oh, there he is.
[Jessica.]
Oh, there goes the white goatee.
No! [Godwin.]
No, don't pick it up.
his head! This is where it gets graphic.
Shut your eyes, Mom.
[Kay gasps.]
You'll pay for this, Assassin.
Oh, the brains went everywhere.
Did you hear that sound effect? [Jessica.]
Oh, it was awesome.
- [Jep.]
Hero shot.
- [Kay.]
Look at this.
Oh, there's your hero.
Oh, good grief.
And, oh, look at that.
I wish I could do a cartwheel like that.
[Jessica.]
Whoo! You dirty rat! [laughing.]
[Jep.]
You dirty rat! [Voiceover.]
Super punch! [laser sound.]
[Godwin.]
He missed on that one.
[Grunts.]
I'm melting! [Jessica.]
Come on, Assassin, save the princess! You're next.
Oh, no.
Bring it, Assassin! Ohh! - Thou shalt not pass.
- Freeze! Yes! [Jessica.]
Look, he's frozen! Help me, Assassin.
Watch your super speed, buddy.
You're so fast, River! Thanks, Assassin, for saving me! I love you.
[Fart noises.]
[All laughing.]
[Godwin.]
You nailed them when they were down.
Nice job, buddy.
[Cheering and applause.]
Everything is Jep Robertson.
And Jep, "Based on a dream.
" I thought it was River's dream.
[Martin.]
The stars of the show are the last thing you see.
Oh, yeah, by the way, these guys.
[Godwin.]
These guys were here.
[Jep.]
All I can say is, "You're welcome.
" For what? You're welcome.
We helped you make this.
At least I don't have to worry about being in the sequel.
Thanks, Dad.
It was more writing than it was picture showing.
- What did you think? - It was awesome.
Thank you, buddy.
That's who matters, right here.
His very own movie.
I think we should watch it again.
Yay! I second that Merritt.
[Godwin.]
Go past all that reading part.
[Jep.]
Lord, we thank you so much for River, who's a great kid, great son, and a good brother.
Lord, I also pray for John Luke and Mary Kate traveling.
Bub, you say your prayer.
Dear God, thank you for my friends, Amen.
- [All.]
Amen.
- [Jep.]
One, two, three.
[All.]
Happy birthday! Let's get on this doggone pizza.
[Willie.]
We've been fortunate as a family to have the chance to take part in so much.
From hunting trips to concerts, we've really been blessed with some unique experiences.
But seeing my own son grow up, get married, and start college is really all a proud father could ask for.
And while I'll always be there for him, I look forward to seeing how he does on his own, hopefully with a fully constructed home in the near future.
I call a toast.
To good living.
Living off love.
And beans.