Friends s09e11 Episode Script

Good morning, tiger.
I'm making you a big breakfast, so you can keep up your strength for tonight.
You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
I've got nowhere to go this morning.
I'm unemployed.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Well, I just lost my erection.
No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself? You're supposed to find your passion in life.
You can be whatever you want to be now.
It's exciting.
Yeah, but it's all so overwhelming.
I don't know where to start.
Wait a second.
I can help you with this.
You just need to be organized.
We can make a list of your qualifications and categorize jobs by industry.
There could be folders and files Hey, this is where your hyper-organized pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off.
I know! My erection is back! The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Thank you.
Joey, could I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin? - Okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian? I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm a little short on cash.
If you want, I could loan you some money.
Oh, no.
I learned never to borrow money from friends.
That's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore.
Hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show? You could do that? The pay's pretty good, and you could do it for as long as you need.
- Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be on TV! - Okay, now I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
- Really? - No, it is awesome.
Hey, guys.
Why are you all dressed up? We're bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone.
- Doesn't she look cute? - She sure does.
Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head? Because if one more person says, "What a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna.
I think she's gonna be the hit of the office.
Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than peasant blouses and A-line skirts.
Can I get a blue bow? Okay.
I have looked through a bunch of career guides photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders, so you can make an informed decision.
How long was I in there? Okay, let's start with the A's.
Advertising.
Wait.
Advertising, that's a great idea.
Don't you wanna look through the rest? I don't think I have to hear the rest.
Advertising makes perfect sense.
Sorry you had to waste all this time.
You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Now I'll get to use my shredder! I mean, I could write slogans.
How hard could it be, right? "Cheese.
It's milk that you chew.
" "Crackers.
Because your cheese needs a buddy.
" "A grape.
Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?" I got one.
"Socks.
Because your family's feet deserve the best.
" Honey, leave it to the pros.
I actually know someone in advertising.
I grew up with a guy who is a vice president at a big agency.
Maybe I can get him to meet you.
Give me the phone.
"The phone.
Bringing you closer to people who have phones.
" "Marriage.
It's not for everybody.
" That went well.
Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.
I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff.
- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you? I'm the hell person whose office this is.
Good one, Rach.
I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taking over your job.
Excuse me? Your baby's so cute.
But why would you put a pink bow on a boy? Hey, Joey.
Look at me.
I'm a nurse.
Yes, you are.
I think it might be time for my sponge bath.
Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras.
- So are you excited about your scene? - Yeah, but I'm a little nervous.
Relax.
Don't be.
They'll probably just make you stand in the background.
- Good.
- You.
Here, come here.
Here.
Take this tray, stand on this yellow mark.
You're gonna move on "action.
" Walk over to the operating table, stop on the blue mark and put the tray down.
Don't walk too fast.
But don't dawdle.
Okay.
Now, what? And, action! Cut! Cut.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just a little nervous.
- Well, don't be.
Okay, that helps.
And, action! Cut! Don't worry about it, Pheebs.
It usually takes me three takes too.
All right, eight.
And, action! So do you have any other questions about advertising? No.
But let me show you what I can do.
"Bagels and doughnuts.
Round food for every mood.
" Monica warned me you might do that.
I think we might have something for you at the agency.
- Really? That's great.
- It's an unpaid internship.
That's funny.
When you said "unpaid," it sounded like you said "unpaid.
" Come on, now.
Monica has a good job.
It's not like you have a family to support.
Actually, we're trying.
I don't think Monica is gonna want to postpone it.
We're supposed to have sex tonight.
Actually, she's probably at home, naked right now.
I tend to keep talking till somebody stops me.
- I can just picture her on the bed.
- Stop! Wait.
What do you mean you're taking over my job? While you were on your baby vacation, I was doing your job.
A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Clearly, you've never been to Sandals Paradise Island.
All right.
Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks.
I want everything back the way it was.
I can't say I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in.
- Excuse me? - Rach, we have a code brown situation.
Honey, could you please take care of it for me? All right, but you're gonna have to do one sometime.
Let me just get this straight.
So I go have a baby, and they send some guy in to do my job? Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren altogether.
Okay.
Right.
You're very cheeky for a temp.
I'm not a temp.
I was transferred here from another department.
And what department was that? The jerk department? They didn't tell me about your quick wit.
Well, did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue? - Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
- Hi, Mr.
Zelner.
Rachel.
I see you've met Gavin.
When you left us, we weren't sure what we were gonna do.
But then, Gavin to the rescue.
Super Gavin.
Well, that's great.
So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where do you plan on flying off to? That's up to Mr.
Zelner.
I'm sure he'll make the right decision.
Super ass-kissing power.
Incidentally, when are you coming back? Today.
- You said two weeks.
- No, I said today.
See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.
So, what'd he say? He can be a little rough around the edges so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot with the word "puppy.
" So he said, "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together I am gonna fire her mother-puppy ass.
" I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I'm just not an actor.
That's right.
You're not.
You're a nurse.
- You're Nurse With Tray.
- No, Joey Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey.
She has no time for friends.
She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor because if she doesn't, people die.
Who dies? Man With Eye Patch! Now, you get in there, and you do your job.
Yes, doctor.
Okay, let's try this one more time.
Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch.
Your tray is coming.
And, action.
Yes, I did it! I nailed it! What's next? The rest of the scene.
Okay, from the top, people.
Listen, sudden change of plans.
My maternity leave just ended.
They said if I didn't come back today, they'd fire me.
What? No, that's illegal.
I'll have the Labor Department here so fast, they won't All right, calm down, Norma Rae.
They didn't actually say that.
I'm just afraid if I don't come back now, this guy will try and squeeze me out.
But what about Emma? I mean, we don't have a nanny.
I know.
We're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight.
Can you please just take care of her for today? Absolutely.
Just give me your breasts, and we'll be on our way.
Come on.
I don't know what else to do.
Fine.
Fine.
We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will.
Yes, we Ross.
You're pretty.
Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a new career from scratch.
It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it.
Maybe now's not the right time to be starting a family.
So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right now? Yeah.
Goodbye.
Okay, it's baby time.
Pants off, Bing.
Didn't see you there, Geller.
Ross is here, so And I was really hoping that maybe I could hang out.
You know, what do you feel like doing? Well, we're gonna have sex.
I don't feel like having sex.
Maybe I don't know.
Maybe we can watch a movie or something.
Let me put it this way: We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Pants off, Bing.
Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to.
Well, I've changed your screen saver from that picture of *NS YNC.
Hey, they were popular when I left.
I'm working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
I should be involved in that, so get me up to speed.
That'll take weeks.
Let me take care of the presentation.
No.
I see what you're doing here, all right? This is my job, buddy.
I've had it for five years, and I know how it works.
- So why don't you just catch me up.
- Fine.
Oh, God.
You've totally messed with the back support on my chair.
- How do you fix this? - You've been here five years.
- You figure it out.
- Fine, I will.
All right, fill me in.
Do you have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
Yeah, but you have to give it back if I get a job.
Of course, by that time, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
Hey, good morning, lover.
I gotta say, after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.
Here's an idea.
You walk into a room, take a quick scan.
Sorry.
But I kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night.
Oh, God, I have to tell you something.
You're not pregnant.
What are you talking about? Well, that thing that I have to do to make a baby? I faked it.
What? You faked it? You know what? I don't need a tie.
I mean, it's better open collar, you know? It's more casual.
Joey.
Listen, I can't do this.
It doesn't make any sense.
Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe? Sometimes we use the same extras for different parts.
It's okay.
Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse.
And now, suddenly, I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.
Well, maybe you are a nurse but you moonlight as a waitress.
Because I'm a single mother supporting my two children.
Nice.
Wait a minute.
Dr.
Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital.
Wouldn't I come say hi? No.
No, see, you and Drake are having a fight.
About what? He slept with you and then never called you.
And I just wanted a new daddy for Davey and Becky.
Okay.
Okay, from the top.
And, action.
So I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
I'm surprised too.
But yet, here I am.
Cut! Cut! What are you doing? I'm very angry at him because he slept with me and never called me back.
- Me too.
- Me too! Calm down.
She means on the show.
We need some new extras around here.
Wow.
You're here already.
Yes.
Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation.
Actually, I made a few changes.
I think I'm caught up on everything.
So ask me anything.
- How do you fix the chair? - Except that! Hello, Mr.
Zelner.
We are all ready for our presentation this afternoon.
- Good, because it's in 10 minutes.
- What? I can't do that.
I have the baby.
Ross is not gonna pick her up for an hour.
Then Gavin can give the presentation.
We have to do it now.
Ralph needs to leave early today.
He's going helicopter shopping.
Well, there you go, you win.
You win.
You get to do the presentation.
You'll knock them dead.
No one will remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter and Super Gavin will just fly right alongside of him.
- You can do the presentation.
- No, I can't.
I have a baby.
I'll watch her.
Why would you do that? Because you worked really hard, and it's your job.
And you're a little crazy.
That's really nice.
I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable.
Well, you're not gonna like what's coming.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm really fine.
Don't worry.
I'm great with children.
Gavin Mitchell.
Pleased to meet you.
Please don't fire my friend.
Just let me talk to her.
- Okay, but this is her last chance.
- Thank you.
How about I do something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald.
Listen, Pheebs.
I was just talking to the director and he was thinking maybe this time you don't hit Drake.
You just wait on the tables.
I can't do that.
I'm an actor.
I have a process.
You're a masseuse.
You have a table with a hole in it.
Wait, I see what's happening here.
You're threatened.
What? I'm so good in the scene that I'm stealing focus from you.
Rise to the challenge, Tribbiani, because I just raised the bar.
Come join me up here.
Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security.
She won't go easy.
You faked it? You couldn't have faked it.
Yes, you can.
You just make the faces and the noises.
Guys can fake it? Unbelievable.
The one thing that's ours.
Why would you fake it when we're trying to have a baby? Well, that's actually why.
Look, I'm starting a whole new career now.
I'm not saying I don't want a baby.
I'm just saying maybe we could wait a little while.
Like a month? - Or a year? - Really? You wanna wait a year? It could be less than a year.
I mean, you've heard my stuff.
"Pants.
Like shorts but longer.
" Lt'll probably be more than a year.
- I really wanna have a baby.
- Well, yeah, me too.
Look, I'll just get my old job back.
No, I want you to have a job that you love not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.
I quit, and you learn what I do? I think there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby.
Now you're unemployed, and in a little while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy.
There's always gonna be a reason not to do this but I think once the baby comes, we'll forget about all those reasons.
I guess.
I mean, it's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
It's gonna be really scary.
I mean, God, when we have a baby there's gonna be so much that we're not able to control.
I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess.
I won't have time to clean it.
What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer and messes up all the ribbons? What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer because the baby's stuff takes up all the space? Where will all the ribbons go? Should we go make a baby before you change your mind? - Yes, please! - Okay.
And I promise I will not fake it this time.
Well, I wish I could say the same.
I'm a little shook up.
I know you botched that operation on purpose.
I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for murder.
I don't care if you are my brother.
I'm not your brother.
What about my children, Drake? No! No! No!