Will and Grace s09e11 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
Will, said with love, I really do hope I look like you when I go through man-opause.
You're gonna have to go through puberty first.
You seem oddly happy.
Have you been watching videos of girls burning off their bangs with flat irons? [LAUGHING.]
They're so devastated! I am happy, Will.
Things are great with my boo, Drew.
Are you still seeing that married cop from Staten Island, or as Grace and I like to call him when you're not around, your Staten Island Fairy? I'm using that and not crediting you.
I really like him.
In fact, today is our one month-iversary.
Congratulations.
Isn't one month traditionally the time when a gay husband comes out to his wife? I believe the, uh the gift for that is a suitcase.
He better not come out.
It would ruin everything.
There's nothing better than being with a closeted married man.
Spoken like a true Scientologist.
How are you pulling this off? His wife thinks I'm straight and married to Karen.
Ah.
It's the perfect situation.
No strings attached.
No "Where is this going?" "What is your middle name?" "What is your last name?" "What is your name?" Okay, I'm gonna say something that you may not want to hear.
No, you're the one who's gained weight! I mean, it's like Not what I was gonna say.
Isn't this just an ancient gay cliché where you go from unavailable guy to unavailable guy because you're afraid of commitment and intimacy? How dare you? I have asked plenty of men to put a ring on it.
Just not on my finger.
Will, I just got amazing news! Grace got an STD! I did not say "STD.
" I said "QVC.
" Well, they're both ways to get something cheap that looks awful.
Will, we got the gig! We are selling Grace by Grace Adler Designs bed linens on QVC! I knew it was gonna happen.
I know I kept saying, "It's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen," but that's what I said about election night, and look what happened there.
This is huge.
Karen, we're gonna have to do a lot of work to get ready for this.
I'm sorry, honey, were you saying something? Let's get out of here.
Did you hear Will put on a few pounds? Well, Grace has an STD.
Okay.
We got a lot of decisions to make.
First things first: Who's gonna be our spokesperson? - I have someone perfect in mind.
- So do I.
Someone who already knows the product.
Someone who's easy on the eyes.
I think it's pretty obvious.
BOTH: It should be me.
What, you? No! Stop doing that! You stop doing that! [UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
QVC wants to sell Grace by Grace Adler Design bed linen.
Who better to sell that than Grace Adler? Well, how about Grace Adler's business partner who spent four days doing the market research that got us this gig, while Grace Adler sat in her pajamas, watching videos of cats and elephants clean their babies? That is my brain chocolate, Will.
I need that to create.
And I don't need market research.
I have been selling my designs to clients my entire career.
This is QVC.
It's a different demographic.
They their customers want aspirational and polish.
You're more perspirational and Polish.
Will, they want someone they can relate to, not just a bunch of focus group jargon.
Look, this is live TV, Grace.
You got to be quick on your feet.
You were kicked out of your college improv troupe.
Excuse me! The She-nanigans and I had a mutual parting of the ways.
Yes, you both mutually agreed that you were terrible.
You didn't even know how to obey the first rule of improv, which is to follow every suggestion with a "yes, and" Well, being quick on your feet doesn't matter if the audience finds you smirky and smug.
I'm not smirky and smug! Oh, I didn't say you were, but the fact that you thought that I was talking about you is pretty telling.
Grace, our company is only gonna get one shot at this.
Now, I have done the research.
I know what has to be said.
It's all in this binder.
Okay, binder boy.
I will take a look at this tonight, but it is my design, my name, and I am doing it.
Are you seriously pulling rank on me? Yes, and! Yes, and This is exactly how they tripped me up in the She-nanigans.
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT JAZZ PIANO MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
Staten Island Fairy? You are hilarious! I know.
I just thought of it.
I'm letting Will use it.
He needs it more than I do.
She's not a clever girl, that one.
Ah, I-I love when gay guys call men "she.
" Do you ever call your skinny gay friends fat? From time to time.
You are so cute.
And I love that you still have that new gay smell.
Okay, Google, take a selfie.
Oh, my first picture as a gay guy.
I look so straight.
Do you know where I could get some ass-less chaps? All chaps are ass-less.
That's why they're awesome.
And you, mister, just blew your Christmas present.
[IMITATING SIREN.]
Woman on premises! Put away the "Playboys.
" What are you bozos up to? Oh, just two heterosexual bros watching the big game.
That is "Real Housewives.
" Uh, well, we changed it because the Jets game was a blowout, so Ugh, classic Jets.
Who were they playing? - The Sharks.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's Jets versus the Sharks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hockey, not football.
Yeah.
I don't know if you know, but the Jets and the Sharks are old rivals.
It started out as harmless pranks and dancing, until Riff and Bernardo pulled out their blades.
I do not understand hockey.
Have fun, you two.
Thanks, Angie.
Wouldn't say no to some pizza rolls.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
She's great.
I just wish we didn't have to keep you and I a secret.
I know.
Mm, it's the worst.
I mean, wouldn't it be great if we could see each other whenever we wanted? [FLATLY.]
Oh, I'm so mad that we can't.
Society! Oh Okay, people, 30 minutes to Grace Adler Design on stage B.
Stage A, stand by.
We got Lisa Rinna flying in with malachite pendants and adult diapers.
Excuse me, miss, have you seen Grace Adler? - She's late.
- Yes, let me drop everything I'm doing 'cause a man asked me to.
What what I'm hearing is is that you wouldn't be open to getting me a Diet Coke.
[LAUGHS.]
This is fun.
This is gonna be our thing.
Oh! Sorry.
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
There was a little mix-up on the subway.
Okay, you're on in 30 minutes.
Let's just let's review the material in the binder.
- Where's the binder? - On the subway.
That was the mix-up.
You lost the binder? Please tell me you memorized it first.
Well, I could tell you that I memorized it, but - You're Grace Adler, right? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, we've got a little change of plans here.
Lisa Rinna canceled.
She just booked a Hallmark movie.
- You're on next.
- What? What what are you talking about? I think she plays a witch trying to raise her daughter in a small town.
When is this happening? They're shooting now, so I I guess Christmas.
No, no, what When is this happening? Uh, in 40 seconds.
On a bell! - 40 seconds? - That's not good.
Is there is there any way I can give her live feedback? I mean, you could probably tweet at Hallmark while the movie's airing, but it's not gonna be live.
Not Lisa.
Can you give me an earpiece so that I can I can talk to Grace, tell her what she needs to say? Oh, sure thing, 'cause a woman can't think for herself? Cheryl, my penis has done nothing to hurt you.
I need an IFB earpiece and a comm mic.
We're going live in 30 seconds.
An earpiece, really? Okay, okay, fine, but I am freaking out, so just keep it simple.
Of course I'll keep it simple.
You just need to emphasize our affordability, practicality, and versatility to the best of your ability.
- What? - 15 seconds.
Uh, and remember to smile.
Not like the clown from "It.
" Yeah, better, and be relatable, but but don't try to be funny.
But have fun.
But but don't laugh.
You snort when you laugh.
What else? Oh, oh, um, um Favor your left side, okay? It's easy to remember, because your right side, for you, is your wrong side.
So, um Oh and and don't say "moist.
" People hate the word "moist.
" Why would that come up selling linens? I'm just telling you what the research says.
You're on in ten.
Come on.
- Oh! - Don't worry.
This does not have to be a disaster.
Disaster? Who said disaster? Doesn't matter who said it.
It's been said.
Oh, the most important thing this is the thing not to forget.
- Yeah? - In three Forget it.
Hi, I'm Grace Adler.
Hi, I'm Grace Adler.
Do you love your linens? Because moist people don't.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
I I didn't I didn't mean to say "most.
" Moist people don't.
I Can we cut to a commercial? This is QVC, dude.
We are the commercial.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
Trust me, Drew, no good has ever come from a man coming out to his wife.
Don't you want to be vice president one day? But if I'm gay, isn't coming out of the closet a good thing? It was once, but you know how people used to think eggs were good for you, but then we discovered they weren't? But eggs are good for you.
Tell that to the chicken who just lost a child.
My point is, nobody knows anything about anything.
Whoop! Whoop! Wives entering premises! Hello, husband.
Hello, wife.
[LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
So romantic.
Why don't we kiss like that? It's a cop thing, Ang, okay? If I get the flu, people die.
Wait a minute.
This place reminds me of something.
That cat clock When I was little, I was in a room just like this with my mother And I was saying Mommy, why were you wrestling with that man who wasn't Daddy? And she said, Oh, honey, I know that looked like wrestling, but actually, we were having sex.
The important thing is, you can't tell Daddy.
But I hate secrets.
You know what helps me? A little comfort from the South.
This is alcohol! I'm not supposed to drink.
Now we both have secrets.
[ETHEREAL CHIME.]
Why did we have to know that? Because secrets ruin lives, and here's the truth.
He's gay.
He's gayer.
They're gay together.
And, honey, you don't want to be married to a big 'mo, or in this case, a little 'mo.
Karen.
[TIMER DINGS.]
There's never a good time to say this, but I think the pizza rolls are ready.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
Thanks for staying with us on the Grace by Grace Adler Design linen showcase.
We just have How many minutes left? Uh, 28.
You've only been talking for two minutes.
Oy vey.
Less Jewish.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Remember to smile.
Easy, Pennywise.
Okay.
Right now, I would like to talk to you about, um Talk about value.
I would like to talk about value.
And then mention mention price point.
I would like to talk to you about value And then pivot into the phrase "affordable luxury.
" I would like to talk about value and a second thing and something affordable something.
What are you doing? You're bombing.
Okay, I am done with you, Will.
I'm doing me.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
I had to get this man out of my hair.
Did she just take out her earpiece? Not so fun when the puppet cuts her strings, is it? Yeah, look, this isn't working.
What other set can we get ready in a hurry? No, no, no, no, no, I can I can save this.
I could bore you with a lot of facts from a missing binder, but let's talk about creating a personal aesthetic.
That sounds great, Grace, but what about price point? What are you doing? I just want to remind our viewers that they could spend up to three times as much on a comparable luxury linen.
- What is happening? - How nice.
My partner, Will Truman, has joined us, because apparently, he knows everything about everything.
[LAUGHS.]
I I just hate to waste an opportunity to talk about a great, affordable sheet, especially when it might be the only opportunity we ever have.
So you want to talk about this sheet? 'Cause I would love to talk sheet to you right now.
Yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, let the sheet-talking begin.
[BELL RINGS.]
Stand by for Ruben Studdard's Big & Bold Collection on stage C.
Did you just kill our segment? I euthanized your segment.
Good going! You just blew this for us! Oh, I blew this for us? You weren't selling any Why the hell did you cut away from them? The callers loved the drama.
Turn the cameras back on! Fine, uh, but know as your employee, I feel demeaned by your tone.
I hear you and I respect what you are saying, and I am not asking as your boss.
I am asking as your husband.
God, you turn me on.
Oh, you want to get into this now? 'Cause I will so get into this with you now.
- Let's get into it! - Okay, buckle up! Click! Okay, I admit it.
This is good TV.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
I'm still not talking to you.
Do you realize how many lives you've ruined with your truth bomb? After we left, Angela poor, sweet, unsuspecting Angela confessed she suspected all along! She told Drew, and I quote, "Live your truth and be happy.
" Drew, in turn, wished her the best, and offered to set her up on OkCupid.
His mother and co-workers are throwing him a coming out party! We're both invited! This is on you, lady! Poodle, I'm so sorry.
Sorry's not good enough, Karen.
I hate it when you use my Christian name.
It's too real.
It is real.
I'm really mad at you.
I don't know what came over me.
I don't even believe in love.
I set up the Steve Mnuchins! Would it help if you slapped me across the face as hard as you can? That is completely ridiculous and absolutely worth a shot.
All right, one shot.
As hard as you can.
I deserve it.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, it's Drew.
He says he wants to Ow! What'd you do that for? I don't know! I don't know! All right, all right.
All right, try it again.
Your best shot.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
Oh, crap, he's on his way up, and he says he's Stop hitting me! Oops.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- He's here.
- Don't worry, honey.
I'll take care of it.
Hey, guys.
I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm getting used to it.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God, that's so funny! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Drew, there's something very important I'd like to say to you.
Karen.
Listen, piglet, we need to talk.
Oh, before I forget, Angela wanted me to give you this.
She thought you seemed into it.
Oh, no.
It's happening again.
I'm with my mother, and she's saying Baby, we're leaving.
Your stepdad had a shaving accident.
I thought you loved Daddy number five! Nope.
You want to be happy, kid? Don't fall in love.
I never did.
[HICCUPS.]
And look how happy I am! What are you looking at? [SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC.]
But she wasn't happy.
She lied to herself and everyone else.
She went from man to man and ended up dying alone at a craps table.
She died in a casino? [QUIETLY.]
No.
But the point is, you like this guy.
If you don't take a chance on love, you could end up just like my mom, sad and alone.
I can't.
I I have HOMO FOMO.
Fear of missing out on another 'mo.
It's a never-ending buffet of men out there.
What if I pick the stale cookie right as they bring out the cheesecake? But can't I be the cheesecake? Drew, it's not about you.
Honey, if I were you, I wouldn't be as worried about HOMO FOMO.
I'd be more worried about SLO-LO-MO slowly turning into a lonely 'mo.
I'm gonna leave you two to kiss it out or punch it out or rub your butts together or whatever it is you two do.
So, what do you say, Jack? This is such a predicament.
- On the one hand - You want to be with me.
This is a monologue, dear.
On the one hand, I want to be with him.
On the other hand, I want to be with other hands.
It's just such a risk.
A risk? I left my wife.
Yeah, that that is pretty big.
Look, I'm not asking for forever.
Can we just start with one night? - Fine, one night.
- Yes.
I can't promise any more.
Unless you want to do brunch.
I'm really into brunch, so we'd be doing that.
Oh, my God, first gay brunch.
Turkey bacon with a side of fruit.
I've been wanting to order that since puberty.
But then that's it! 36 hours, and then you'll go.
Unless we decide to binge-watch "Riverdale.
" - Deal? - Deal.
Ugh, I have so much to teach you.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
No You created everything here, and it's amazing, and I should've just let you do it your way and left you alone.
I didn't listen to you, and the collection is affordable and versatile and practical and all the things that you wanted me to say.
I just hate that our nonsense got in the way of us selling something I'm so proud of.
I hate that it got in the way of us.
Yeah, me too.
You know I love you.
I love you too.
[BELL RINGS.]
And that's a wrap on the Grace Adler Design linen showcase.
BOTH: What? We were on camera this whole time? Yeah.
I don't usually go for all that heteronormative stuff, but there is something strangely compelling about the two of you.
What are you talking about? The viewers loved you.
Look at these tweets.
[SCOFFS.]
Tweets are up here, Charlie.
"Love seeing a real married couple, warts and all.
" "They're just like me and my husband.
"He kept trying to talk about his thing and the wife was a hot mess.
" Oh, she thinks I'm hot.
Wait, does this mean we sold some sheets? Oh, you sold everything.
Will! We did it! Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Okay, okay, camera's off.
I am so proud of us! Let's get a drink and celebrate! BOTH: You're buying.
Me? I bought last time.
Fine, I'll buy.
Stop doing that! Okay, this is crazy.
Pick a number.
- 36.
- 19.
BOTH: Oh, thank God.
How?