American Dad s09e12 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Oh Stan, this trip could not have come at a better time.
Our lives have been so dull lately.
I'm not gonna lie.
I started stealing again and I came real close to cutting myself.
Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say, thanks for the surprise trip to Hawaii.
And the surprises don't stop there because we're actually going to Sacramento.
Sacramento?! That's so boring! Boring? But honey, Sacramento is broken up into four different areas.
Area one.
Area two.
Area three.
Area four.
Doesn't that sound insane?! So, then I told him, "I like my men like I like my coffee: in an extra-large cup.
" Ooh.
Oh, Margie, you gotta stop pounding so much coffee! Wink! Ooh! Look at those girls.
They certainly seem to be having fun.
I know, they're fabulous.
If we're looking for fun, maybe we need to take a page from their book.
Or, maybe it's time for you to write a book of your own.
Oh, my God.
They're talking to us.
We knew you were listening to us.
We don't mind.
We like it.
We're four high-flying gals who like to have fun.
We give a whole new meaning to "Red Eye.
" I'm not sure I get that, but I know it's filthy.
You girls should have your own TV show! People tell us that all the time.
But I can assure you, we're not simple TV caricatures, we're real people with hopes and dreams.
I'm Angie, I'm in it for money.
I'm Christy, I'm in it for adventure! I'm Margie, I'm in it for love.
I'm Denise, I'm in it to avenge my father.
And together, we're The Naughty Stewardesses! Those are some friendly skies.
Oh, my God! Stan, you had a piece of glass in your eye.
I really appreciate you doing my homework for me, Steve.
Aw I should be thanking you.
I never knew how beautiful the French language was, until I had to learn it to do your homework.
Merci.
Sometimes I feel like I should be doing my own homework, but then I'm like, nah.
Did you like my story? Oh, that's my boyfriend, Figgus.
He says he wants to "fun me" in his dad's toolshed.
What does that mean? Uh pretty sure that's his auto-correct.
Oh that explains why his "ditch pic" looks like this.
Quit lookin' at my ditch, nerd.
There you are, silly.
Still pining after Jenna, I see.
If you haven't closed the deal with her by now you'll never close it.
Easy, Barry.
He'll make his move when he's ready.
Yeah.
We nerds have a long history of making our dream girls fall for us.
Like that kid in Revenge of the Nerds, who finally won the heart of that cheerleader.
Oh, you mean the one who put on a Darth Vader mask so he could rape her at that carnival? Yep.
Nah, never saw it.
Yeah, Coach says I gotta break up with you so I can focus on football.
Did you do it? Yes, sir! Good.
'Cause you players won't look up to me if you're having sex and I'm not.
Now who's house am I sleeping at tonight? Oh, my God.
Steve, looks like Jenna's back on the market.
This is the window you've been waiting for! Yeah, it's perfect! You could ask her to the "Winter Harvest" dance.
H-h-h-hey-hey, Jenna.
Uh, y-y-you okay? Figgus broke up with me.
It hurts so bad.
Why can't I ever find a nice guy? I wish there was somebody out there who'd ask me out and take this pain away.
Wow! I can't remember the last time I had a Black Russian! I can.
Layover in Moscow.
Ooh.
Sounds like you got, "laid-over.
" Don't try, Stan.
Just you be you.
Oh, my God.
Is that Mark Cuban's bodyguard? Oh, and Mark Cuban! Yeah last night, he and Margie hooked up until they were havin' sex.
Margie, last night was amazing.
I want to finish what we started.
I'm thinkin' me, you, and a weekend at my mansion in Monte Carlo.
Oh, Cuban, that sounds incredible, but I'm working a flight to Miami which leaves in ten minutes.
Unless my new friends Stan and Francine could cover for me.
Would you? Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Then I guess that makes you a couple of Naughty Stewardesses.
I'll see you guys later.
Sounds good.
And Margie, feel free to move about the Cuban.
The Cuban.
Nice.
Now you got it.
All I needed was the pin! That's Gin.
You just gave me Gin.
Why would you discard a three? I don't know.
I guess my head's not in it.
Yeah, clearly.
If I wanted to play a complete moron, I'd play with Klaus.
Burn, Steve! Look, what's goin' on, Steve? Let's fix your head, so I can actually have a game here.
Well, you know that beautiful girl, Jenna, I've kind of had my eye on? Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed? You know about that? Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night? Anyway.
.
Jenna's my dream girl but it doesn't matter now, because I missed my window of opportunity.
I had the perfect opening to make her mine, but I wussed out! You wussed out?! You're better than that, Steve.
Did the Kennedys wuss out? No! They find a girl they like and then they drown 'em.
I guess you're right.
Well, look, I need my Gin partner back and if you're too chicken to ask her out, why don't I do it for you? What do you mean? We need to surgically switch faces, so I can pretend to be you and win her heart.
Then we'll switch back and she's yours.
Wait a minute.
Surgically switch faces? Why don't you just put on one of your costumes? Yeah, I guess I could, but I also got all these tools from my planet in my junk drawer.
Hold on.
Are, are you, are you sure about this? Uh, th-th-this seems really dangerous.
Calm down, it's totally safe.
How are you not dead?! Is, is my face off? Now, I just gotta get mine off so we can swap.
Oh, my God, the inside of your face smells so bad! Oh, that's just Greek yogurt.
I spilled some in my eye socket yesterday and then I went in the sun.
This is so freaky.
You really think this is gonna work? Sure! With your face on my face, I'll be dragging Jenna into the creek behind school and harvesting her organs in no time.
No! That's not the plan! Okay, y-you should probably write down what you want me to do.
I hope this was a good idea, Klaus.
I'm trusting Roger not to screw things up with my fantasy girl.
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
I'm sure Roger will be a total gentleman.
Woman, we need to talk.
Oh, hi, Steve.
Did you finish my homework? Yeah, I did some work at home.
I battered my fish stick to your candid in the yearbook.
Now get over here and put this hand in your back pocket facing your ass.
Steve! I didn't know you were so romantic.
Your bottom's warm.
Great job, guys.
Let me know if you run out of diet ginger ale.
Thanks, Ange, but no one's ever run out of diet ginger ale.
This is so exciting.
I know! I just told someone to turn off their phone and they did.
Hey, how'd that joker in 3-C board with a carry-on that big? Wait a minute.
Isn't that Mark Cuban's bodyguard? Why is he on this flight? Yeah.
There's something fishy about that guy.
I think he may have had something to do with my dad's death.
You think that about everyone, Denise.
You know, he is clutching that bag awfully close.
I'm on it.
Here, let me help you stow that.
No! The bag stays with me.
We have to help Stan get that bag.
We need to create a diversion, Naughty Stewardess style.
Mini pillow fight! Can I stow that for you now? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
No! Ow! What is it? It's plans to blow up the sun! Stan, I think that guy is touching himself to the pillow fight.
Oh, who me? No, I'm just thinking about the sun blowing up.
It's gonna be so bright.
Thanks for walking me home.
I would have walked you home but I didn't want to.
I totally get it.
So, I'll meet you at the dance tonight? Yeah, you will.
'Cause this is happening, you and me.
Dare I say us? Be at the dance at seven sharp.
I'll be there around nine.
What? Yes.
Oh, mmm-mmm, oh, my God.
Mmm, oh, this is so heavy.
I'm so into this right now.
So, did you get her? Oh, hey.
Yeah, yeah, I got her.
She's a special gal, Steve.
Great! So I guess it's time to tag me back in? Yeah, the plan's changed.
What?! Wh-what are you talking about? I'm the one that got Jenna.
I should be able to take her to the dance.
And spend the rest of my life with her.
Wait a minute, th-this is my life.
I'm Steve! Yeah, yeah you make a good point.
Okay, we'll switch faces just as soon as I fix this lamp.
What's wrong with it? It's broken.
Ah shouldn't have hit him in the face.
That's my face.
I'm so happy we're together now.
I had no idea that there was such a cool guy under that face.
I'm so glad to hear you say that.
I want to be with you forever, Jenna.
Me, too.
But I have something I need to tell you.
Steve, I'm pregnant with Figgus's baby.
Huh? When I told him about it, he just said he was late for football practice.
He doesn't care at all and that really hurts.
But now that I know you want to be with me forever, everything's gonna be all right.
Right? Of course.
Oh, my God, of course.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
You wanted your life back.
Well, here you go.
Oh, and I got big news on the Jenna front.
Oh, thank God.
It feels so good not to have your disgusting skin touching my face muscles anymore.
What's the big news? Your hatred of my skin is news to me.
No! About Jenna, you idiot.
What did I miss? Wh-what do I need to know? Nothing.
She's totally into you and you should hurry back to the dance, she's waiting for you.
That's amazing, Roger! Thanks a lot.
Wait, uh, there, there might be one more thing.
Oh, yeah, there is-- I owe you this.
That was the thing.
Run to her.
I'm so nervous.
I can't believe you're not nervous.
Nervous?! I'm excited to meet your parents.
I've never met the parents before.
I'm so glad I have you.
When I told you it was time to come clean to my parents about my baby, you didn't even hesitate.
Hey, if my baby wants to tell the world about her baby, who am I to say no? You're so sweet.
I don't even know what to tell my parents about Figgus Don't even mention him.
Steve's here now.
I'm taking over.
Mom, Dad, Steve's here! Oh, great! Welcome to our home, son.
We've heard such nice things about you.
The pleasure is all mine.
Halfway there.
Still excited.
Oh, my God! Darling, are you all right? I-I'm fine.
It's just a little morning sickness.
I didn't want it to come out like this.
But we're pregnant! What?! What?! What?! Steve! Don't play innocent now! You knocked up my baby girl? When I get down there, I'm gonna murder you.
Don't you move.
You're pregnant? Oh, my God.
He's got me! He's taking me up the stairs! What's at the top of the stairs?! Oh, God, it's all happening so slowly! All right, according to the notes scribbled on those blueprints, tonight's the night that Mark Cuban plans to blow up the sun.
That's brilliant! Anyway, we gotta find Cuban and stop him.
Look, there's Margie.
Margie, thank God you're all right.
We found out that Mark Cuban is trying to blow up the sun.
We need to stop him.
Do you know where he is? Yeah, he's in his study.
You touch-a my son, I break-a you face.
The flight attendant from our flight-- Some guy! We saw your bodyguard's copy of your plans to blow up the sun and we're here to stop you.
What?! I see your confusion.
I left off an "s.
" It's the "Suns.
" The Phoenix Suns.
They're in our conference, and even though they haven't been to the playoffs in like the last seven years, I think this could be their year.
Well, having missiles pointed at an entire NBA team is still pretty terrible.
You know, I debated whether I should say "blow up" in these plans? What I meant was, I'm going to destabilize their franchise through swift and shrewd free agency moves.
But "blow up" sounds way more exciting.
Oh! But we do have an intern who's going to deflate their basketballs before practice.
Oh.
I guess that's not a problem then.
Because it sounds perfectly legal.
We don't care if it is legal! We're the official airline of the Phoenix Suns! So, when you mess with them, you mess with the Naughty Stewardesses.
Well, looks like we've beaten and hog-tied you in your own home, so our estimated time of departure is right now.
Oh, Stan, that was amazing! This was the most exciting trip we could have taken.
Says the girl who hasn't been to Sacramento yet.
Oh, Stan, I love you.
I love you too, honey.
And I love you, Denise.
Um, what?! Dad?! You're alive! He just punched her in the face, like, three seconds ago.
Wait a minute, where's Steve? Um he went to meet his girlfriend's parents.
But we play Gin on Thursdays.
You could play with me.
Klaus, I gotta take this.
It's private, so Stevie, Gin night, what's the excusies? You like that? Yeah, it sounds like cute shorthand, but it's actually longer.
So, that's what I've been working on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yes, yes, I knew she was pregnant.
Why do you think you got her back? You are apoplectic.
You know what you need? To relax.
I'll tell you what, meet me at the tea house we went to that one time.
You know, the one with those really great mugs that don't have handles? So How are you? How's Jenna? How's Jenna?! Are you kidding! Hey! Hey! You need to take a nice calming sip of tea and abide by the rules.
She's pregnant! Her parents won't help.
And she's all alone.
I-I don't know what to do.
Well, I think it's pretty obvious what you need to do.
You need to kick this bitch to the curb.
Pronto.
I can't abandon her.
I gotta do the right thing.
Steve, that's not your responsibility.
If it's anybody's, it's Figgus's.
That's the thing, Figgus doesn't care.
All he cares is what his football coach says.
Well, there you go! Let's go fix this.
Get my Gin partner back.
But Roger, what are we gonna do? Steve, I think it's pretty obvious, that this is one of those things I explain on the way.
Uh, Coach? M-my mom says if you want to stay over again, y-you have to at least roll up your sleeping bag.
Get in here! What's up, Coach? Figgus, remember how I said I didn't want my players having sex if I wasn't getting any? Well, forget that.
Get back together with your girlfriend.
Okay, Coach! Does that mean you're finally getting some? No it's more that the school board heard about my policy and apparently, I'm not allowed to have it.
Sometimes in life, you gotta make half-time adjustments.
So, get back together with your girlfriend, raise your baby together and well, see you at practice.
And I hope you don't drop that baby as much as you drop the football.
Now get out of here.
Your towel's bleeding, Coach.
Shut up and hit the showers, Figgus.
Oh, and don't look behind the door on your way out.
Okay, Coach, you can have your face back if you promise us two things: One, never say anything about this.
And two, run 22 flea-flicker plays in a row Friday night.
Steve, I really appreciate you being there for me.
But Figgus came back.
And he's better than you in every way.
Yeah, I agree.
Come on flea-flicker! And that's the twenty-second flea-flicker in a row.
Pearl Bailey is getting smoked! Terrible coaching.
I got to hand it to you, Roger.
Craziest prop bet I ever took.
That's right, Sammy.
Now give me my pack of Life Savers.
You're not gonna be this lucky forever, Roger.