Friends s09e12 Episode Script

- Where's Mon? - She's at home putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.
- You're not helping? - I tried but apparently singing "I Will Survive" in a helium voice, not helping.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Don't say that loud.
Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
Good news, everyone.
We finally found a nanny.
- This is Molly.
Molly, Chandler, Joey.
- Hi.
Somebody's getting a little fussy.
You're damn right I am.
I've been waiting for a cookie for seven minutes.
Okay.
You know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
- No, you stay.
I'll do it.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- Yeah, you too.
- Wow, Molly's just great.
- Yeah.
Yes, bravo on the hot nanny.
- What? You really think she's hot? - Are you kidding? If I wasn't married, she'd be rejecting me right now.
Joey? How do you think she's doing? Am I the only one that doesn't think she's hot? Ross? - I mean, she's not unattractive, but - Right.
but hot? Thank you.
Now that Rachel's gone? So hot, I cried myself to sleep last night.
The One With Phoebe's Rats mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Hey, Mike, what's the capital of Peru? - Lima.
- No.
It starts with a V and ends with an X.
And hopefully with a T-O in the middle.
You know, come to think of it, the capital of Peru is "Vtox.
" - Oh, God! - What? Okay.
I don't want to freak you out or anything but I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Oh, yeah.
No, that's Bob.
Well, he's your pet rat? Well, not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for.
Kind of like Santa.
Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
You can't keep a rat in your apartment.
They're unsanitary.
I mean, they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
- What are those? - I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments.
- You have to get rid of it.
- Okay, fine.
If it means that much to you, I'll get rid of Bob.
Thank you.
It's so weird you think he's so gross, yet you're willing to eat his crackers.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Gavin, I just want to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation.
I really owe you an apology.
- For what? - When we first met, you know I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious.
Is this your first apology? No, I just mean, you know, first impressions don't mean anything.
And I think you're a really good guy.
And I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
- Morning.
- Hello.
But you know what? Hey, new day, new leaf.
I am just really, really happy I'm sorry.
Obviously, Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait till it's finished.
- What? - I was giving you an apology and you were totally checking her out.
I wasn't.
I'm in fashion.
I was looking at her skirt.
Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.
Wow, you are really You're really a creep.
What do you care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous? Oh, yeah.
I'm jealous.
"Oh, Gavin.
Please, please look at my ass.
" Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate.
Okay? This is a work environment.
She's your subordinate.
But it was okay when you slept with your old assistant, Tag? That is totally different for two reasons.
One: I didn't know that you knew that.
And two: I wasn't some creep staring at his ass.
We had a We had a deep, meaningful relationship.
What was Tag's last name? It was Oh, my God.
He didn't He didn't He didn't have a last name.
It was just Tag, you know, like Cher or you know, Moses.
But it was a deep, meaningful relationship.
You know what? My first impression of you was absolutely right.
You are arrogant.
You are pompous.
Morgan! Morgan! - Tag's last name was Morgan! - It was Jones.
What are you, his boyfriend? - Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
- You mean when you were a baby? Sure.
Would you stop staring at her? I wasn't staring.
I was leering.
What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst.
You know, when it's right there in your face.
Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive.
Makes me feel like I earned it.
Looks like Joey's doing all right with her.
Yeah.
Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
- I'm gonna take her to the apartment.
- Okay.
I'll be home right after work.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye, Emma.
I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk.
It's not so good.
I think it's sweet.
Bye, Emma! Hey, listen, Joey.
About Molly, I would really prefer if you didn't go after her.
- Why not? - It took months to find a good nanny.
And I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
So you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again, and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Come on, there are plenty of other women out there.
Just forget about her, okay? She's off-limits.
Oh, man! What'd you have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have her, makes me want her even more! - What are you, a child? - Yes! Look, Joey, come on now.
For me, please.
Just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
Fine.
Take me home.
- Hey, Mikey.
- Hey, Pheeb.
- What are you doing? - Setting rattraps.
- To kill Bob? - No.
No, to test his neck strength.
No, I don't want to kill him.
I thought we were gonna capture him and, you know, set him free in the countryside where he could meet a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl.
- Okay, okay.
I'll throw away the traps.
- All right, I'll find Bob.
I'll get him.
Bob? Bob? Robert? Wait, I think I hear him.
Oh, my God! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! We'll have to think of a new name.
I don't know, I kind of like "Bob" for a girl.
No, no.
I mean, I'm not sure that we Oh, my God.
We killed Bob? Well, maybe it wasn't Bob.
Maybe it was a mouse.
Susie? What's up? Seriously, dude.
Three years ago.
Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today.
Can you keep an eye on Joey make sure nothing happens between him and Molly? - You don't trust him? - Well, no.
Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny.
" Is this your long-term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
You do appear right on the cusp of something.
Look, come on, man.
I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two but for now, could you please just do this for me? Fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work.
Because you know once Joey sets his mind on something more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
Well, I mean, we've gotta do something.
Okay? Nannies like her don't grow on trees.
- Picturing that tree? - I am, yes.
Where you going, Joe? For a walk.
You mind if I join you? Actually, I'd rather be alone.
You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Your thoughts? Plural? All right, fine.
I only have one thought.
It's about the hot nanny! I gotta see her! - I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.
- Now you're saying I can't see her? You're killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like, like like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy.
Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there? Yes, as a matter of fact, he did.
So I can't let you go.
Interesting.
Now there are obstacles.
Hot nanny and me against the world! This is the stuff great novels are made of.
- Great novels? - Fine.
Mediocre porn.
- Gavin Mitchell's office.
- Rachel Greene's office.
Give me that phone.
Hello, this is Rachel Greene.
How can I help you? Okay then.
I'll pass you back to your son.
Hey, Mom.
No, that's just my secretary.
Excuse me, Gavin.
I have a question I need to ask you.
Mom, I'll call you later.
Yeah.
- Yes? - Lf you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look in a mirror? Thank God you finally said that.
I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago.
- Man, I really bug you.
Don't I? - Oh, no.
Please I don't care about you enough to bug me.
In fact, from now on, I'm going to take the high road and I'm going to be very, very nice to you, you mama's boy starting right now.
- Hey, Rach.
- Hi.
- Ready for your birthday lunch? - I am.
But first, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleague and more importantly my wonderful friend, Gavin Mitchell.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you.
Are you coming to Rachel's party? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Gavin can't.
He already has plans most likely with his mother.
I don't mind.
I'll cancel them.
I would never miss my secretary's birthday.
Why did you invite him? I can't stand that guy! - You were being so nice to him.
- I was faking it.
Can't you tell when I'm being fake? Hey, Mr.
Phillips.
Nice suit.
Right there.
That was so fake! I still can't believe you invited Gavin.
He is just the last person I want to see.
You're welcome for the party.
I'm glad you're having a good time.
I hope he doesn't show up.
Of course he won't, the guy hates me.
- Does he? - What? Maybe he keeps bothering you so much because he likes you.
It's like in first grade when Skippy Lange would push me because he secretly had a crush on me.
Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those boys had a bet to see if he could knock you over.
- She's out.
I'm gonna take her home.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Bye, sweetheart.
Do you see what all the guys see in her? Wouldn't kick her out of bed.
No more vodka for me.
Hey, Rach.
So can I sing "Happy Birthday" to you now? - Yeah, sure.
- All right.
See you later.
Hey, Rach.
Somebody got you shoes.
Give me! - Wow.
Wow.
Oh, my God! - Careful! Careful! These are my rat babies! Yeah.
We have rat babies now.
You brought rats to my birthday party? So this is what a stroke feels like.
Well, I had to bring them.
We killed their mother.
They're our responsibility now.
You know, they require constant care.
You should know that, you're a mother.
Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? No.
Seven rats.
We should take them home.
We need to feed them.
You're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats? Well, I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you.
Okay? Not everyone can afford help.
Hey, where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
I'm sorry.
I got a little preoccupied.
Look, we have to stop them before something happens.
Right behind you, big guy.
So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline.
It takes a lot of hard work.
- So where'd you study? - I didn't go to college.
- No, where'd you study acting? - Molly, people don't study acting.
Molly, do you mind giving us just a minute? - Sure.
I'll go check on Emma.
- Thanks.
Will the stable boy never get the princess? What do you think you were gonna do, have sex with her here on my couch? No.
The leather sticks to my ass.
This isn't fair.
What makes you think I'm gonna sleep with her and then blow her off, huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actually like her and might want something real? Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel.
Okay? I didn't think I could ever love again.
- Come on! - Joe! Hi.
Is Molly here? Yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
Molly? - Hey.
Guys, this is Tabitha.
- Hey.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
Well, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
It's like my favorite fairy tale come true.
The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian.
Okay.
Okay, you start preparing the formula and I'll start changing the box.
And then we gotta put them straight to bed.
When did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats? Well, you know what? They're our responsibility now.
Okay, fine.
These rats are our responsibility.
What happens when they mate and there are hundreds? Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.
Yeah, not such a problem with rats.
No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animal.
No.
Really? Oh, my Get off your sister! Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do? The We have seven rats.
So, what if each of them has seven rats and then each of those has seven rats? That's like That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do? Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy but we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives.
Yeah, okay.
I guess you're right.
All right, so we should just give them away.
But to nice families with children and reduced-fat Wheat Thins.
Those were Bob's favorites.
It's gonna be okay.
- You must think I'm crazy.
- No, I think you're sweet.
Good.
This is just so hard.
It's hard for me to let them go.
I guess it just brings back memories, you know from when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up.
I haven't told you about that yet, have I? Thanks for the party, honey.
Should I help you clean up? No way.
You had your party.
Now I have mine.
- Is everything all right? - I just get bummed when my birthday's over.
Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about.
That jerk, Gavin, from your office didn't show up.
Yeah, I hate him.
We weren't talking about you.
We were No.
No way to recover.
No.
Okay.
- Fun party.
- Well, it was.
And you would have seen it if you didn't show up at Again, you're welcome! - Look, I'll just give you this and go.
- You bought me a present.
Why? Let me explain how birthday parties usually work.
There are presents and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person.
Okay, I I got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you.
Well, okay.
Well, that's very nice.
And you wrote a card.
- "From Gavin.
" - I really mean it.
It's beautiful.
If you don't mind? Let me.
Well, what do you know, it fits.
See, Gavin.
You're capable of being a nice guy.
Why do you give me such a hard time? I'm not sure.
Well, Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
I do have feelings for you.
- You do? - Yes.
I feel that you're a little annoying.
See, why? Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you And you do that.
Hey.
Listen, I think I left something here.
Well, somebody left this.
Is this yours? No, but I like it.
No, I think I left one of my rat babies.
Well, no.
I haven't seen it, but if I do, I'll let you know.
Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Maybe that's him.