M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e12 Episode Script

[Kellye.]
Let's get a move on.
We've got a lot of work to do today.
Get that sheet and then get some [Continues, Indistinct.]
[Chattering.]
[Man Grunts.]
Hey, here ya go.
Got it? [Chattering Continues.]
- Here ya go.
- Thanks.
Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you? There are no Communists under these beds.
Of course not.
They're in the Lenin closet.
Don't you two have anything better to do than bother me? No.
There's a lull on.
Bothering you is the high point of our day.
Hawk, forget her.
Look what I see.
They haven't shipped Oldham yet.
- Oh, goody.
Let's go make round.
- Hmm.
## [B.
J.
Humming.]
- Hi, Oldham.
How you doing? - Fine.
Oldham, your green limousine waits.
You're going home alive, you lucky stiff.
- Hey, Klinger, relax.
- Hey, what's the hurry? Don't rush him.
You haven't visited our gift shop yet.
- At least let us give you one more shot for the road.
- Too little, too late, Doctors.
Oldham, your personal effects.
This is mine.
That you can have.
Sure, great.
I can always use a little twine.
[Chuckles.]
That's not twine.
I was in demolition.
- It's Primacord.
- Prima who? Primacord.
It's an explosive.
- Uh oh.
- Oh.
Uh, look, uh, we're we're a little bored - but let's not blow things out of proportion.
- [Chuckles.]
Relax.
This stuff is safe.
It needs something else to set it off.
You mean like trembling? No.
Like blasting caps or a hand grenade, a bullet.
- Why don't you take that stuff outside? - Yeah, put it in the - Safety shed.
- Yeah, but, uh, try not to make a mess.
## [Humming.]
- Hello, Major.
- Oh, Father Mulcahy.
- Doing laundry, are we? - Yes, there's laundry here in the laundry room.
Ah, washing your clothes.
What a novel idea.
Well, that's something I could do.
Well, I'll be through in half an hour, and then it's all yours.
Oh, thanks.
It's a shame I did mine last night.
You're really just bored, aren't you, Father? - Well - I don't understand it.
You men have no initiative.
I don't have the time to do everything I have to do.
Oh? Do you have a lot to do? Like what? Maybe I could help.
I've gotta do my nails, take a shower set my hair, rehem my nightgown not to mention curling my eyelashes.
I think I'll do my laundry again.
You can never get those collars too white.
[Machine Whirring, Thumping.]
Klinger, I gave you the afternoon off.
Why are you burning the midday oil? - Time is money, sir, when you go from rags to riches.
- Come again? This mimeo machine is a gold mine.
I'm gonna make a fortune with it.
I admire your taking up a trade, but grinding out greenbacks is something the feds frown on.
Oh, no, no.
Not me, sir.
I learned my lesson from my Uncle 7199199.
This is honest work.
Dateline: Korea.
Max Klinger goes to press.
"MASH Notes.
" Oh, a newspaper! - I didn't know you had printer's ink in your blood.
- More than a printer, sir a publisher, a magnate in the making another William Randolph Scott.
Whoa, Willie.
What makes you think there's gold in them "thar" pages? Don't you see, sir? The stuff you print this on grows on trees.
And people need a new one every day.
I'll be rich beyond my wildest schemes! It's like a fever with you, isn't it, son? You can't resist a scam.
Scam? Take a glance at that, sir.
"War Ravages Countryside.
" Quite a scoop.
How'd you like to be the first on your block to subscribe? Because I like you, I'm prepared to offer you a special discount.
You were planning on charging money to the man who's granting you the ink, the paper and the printing press not to mention the use of the hall? Congratulations, sir.
You've just qualified for our special irate rate.
You have your choice free, gratis or on the house.
Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'm off to find some paying customers.
- [Mimeograph Whirs, Stops.]
- "Today's weather.
Cold, possibly hot.
- Chances of showers or not.
" - [Vehicle Door Slams.]
[Chuckles.]
Can't argue with that.
Excuse me, Colonel.
I'm from "l" Corps Supply.
- Where's your clerk? - Oh, he's out muckraking.
Suppose I pinch-hit.
Uh, sure thing.
I got a shipment of tongue depressors.
Oh, good.
Been waiting for those gullet pokers for donkey's years.
- I'll come and get 'em.
- Are you gonna do this by yourself, Colonel? Don't think of me as old, just as somebody who has seen a lot.
No offense, Colonel, but, uh, this is kind of a big job.
Sonny, the day I can't lift one box of tongue depressors is the day I turn in these boots for a pair of mukluks.
- One? Uh, there's more than that, sir.
- So I'll make two trips.
With a forklift maybe.
Sergeant, how many of these parcels are checking in to this post? Uh Uh.
Uh-huh.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh? What are you, kidding? Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.
It's not spending.
It's investing.
With the flock that's gonna come flocking in you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.
- Oh, very well, Klinger.
I'll take the ad.
- Terrific.
Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.
I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head.
I'll tell you how it comes out.
- Won't I be able to see it? - You want to see it! Oh, foolish me.
I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.
- Subscriptions? - Glad you asked.
Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount.
My special pearly rates two dollars a month or $25 a year.
All right! All right, all right.
- Here's another two dollars.
- Thank you, Father.
- One more dollar, and we're even.
- What? - I thought you said two dollars a month.
- That's for subscriptions.
Now I gotta raise the advertising rate.
Circulation just doubled.
Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off? Wonderful.
See? Another satisfied customer.
Congratulations.
You just committed a very original sin.
Okay, Captains, you've had enough time to peruse the news.
- Because I like you - Hold it.
Here's your two bucks.
- Thank you.
- Let's get out of here while we still have our pants.
- Two dollars down.
I'll bill you for the balance.
- [Together.]
What? Hey, guys, we're in Korea.
I gotta charge you another dollar for foreign delivery.
- [Laughs.]
- For this? "Ajournalistic tradition since 5:00"? Forget it.
Say, Igor.
You can read, can't you? Uh Wait a minute.
I remember signing that requisition.
In fact, I gave it the once-over twice, and it was for 5,000.
Sorry, sir.
My voucher's got two more zeros on it.
Son, only a cockeyed baboon would order a half mil of these.
Use your God-given gift of reason.
Colonel, I'm in shipping, not thinking.
So long.
Oh, the new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
- Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.
- There is no humor in this.
That dumb trucker just stuck us with 500,000 tongue depressors.
[Laughing.]
No wonder you look so down in the mouth.
I'm gettin' too old for this.
I should've taken the severance pay in '28, started that dude ranch.
Damn zoning laws.
We can make thousands of little rafts and have a regatta in the cesspool.
- You believe this? - [Laughing.]
There are enough tongue depressors here to last five years! What's so funny about that? - What do you want? - Terribly sorry, but I'm on a mission of mercy.
- Mission denied.
- Glad you asked.
I'm here on behalf of all the nurses in this camp who'd give their eyeteeth to look just like you.
Klinger, why are you doing this? Do you like K.
P.
? Surely madam knows of my sincere sincerity.
To me, the words "Houlihan" and "hubba-hubba" have always been synonymous.
- Oh, yeah? - You are a vision of loveliness, even dripping as you are.
If there's a point to this, get to it.
I have unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Your paper what? Paper news.
MASH Notes.
Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column "About Faces.
" - That's cute.
- With your pen and my paper we'll combine to keep Korea beautiful.
Well, I could probably throw together a few well-chosen words.
Bless you, Major.
And now for the "press de resistance.
" Uh, seeing that you're on the editorial board I am authorized to offer you a special subscription rate.
Subscription rate? I'm gonna have to pay for this? A mere three dollars a month or $50 a year.
Just between us, I can honestly say I'm not offering this price to anyone else.
- Well, I'll try it for a month.
- Splendid.
Welcome aboard.
You can turn in your check with your first column.
- ##[Jukebox.
Swing.]
- Half a million tongue depressors.
You know how depressing that is? Why do you always see the olive drab side of things? The army didn't intend to send them all here.
Haven't you ever heard of a snafu? Snafu, phooey.
We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there'd be a demand.
Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers We're all the same.
Trapper John goes.
No problem.
There's plenty more where he came from.
B.
J.
Hunnicutt same size, same shape.
Frank Burns out.
Winchester in.
Just a hair's difference.
Henry Blake.
Rest in peace, Henry.
Incoming, Sherman Potter.
[Sighs.]
My God.
Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough? Do they have to stock up so it can last another five years? So what do we do? Burn all the tongue depressors and bring the war to a halt? [Laughs.]
Why, pray tell, should I subscribe to a newspaper published by someone with the intellect of a shoe? Major, it takes a pretty smart man to know he's an idiot which is why I've hired experts in their field.
Klinger, I have absolutely nothing to do, and you are interrupting me.
Sir, I am talking bona fide experts! Major Houlihan covering the beauty beat.
I myself am doing a piece on how to keep your crap game afloat.
And then there's Igor's gourmet cooking column.
- Whose gourmet column? - Th Igor.
Igor Straminsky.
That beady-eyed simpleton is writing a column about gourmet cooking? Nobody knows more about that stuff than Igor.
Lucrezia Borgia knows more! An unsuspecting reader might get the impression that Igor's recipes could somehow lead to food.
Mmm.
I see what you mean.
But who else could possibly write a gourmet column? You myopic moron.
I could.
- Could what, sir? - Could write a column about cooking! You? Major, I'm flattered.
But it's too late.
Igor would be crushed.
Crush him.
You will earn the eternal gratitude of all people who eat.
- Well, in that case, Major, welcome to the masthead.
- Yeah.
- And because you are a member of our editorial board - Yes? I am authorized to offer you a special subscription rate five dollars a month or $75 a year.
- [Laughing.]
Klinger, you rapscallion.
- [Laughs.]
If you think I'm gonna pen a column and pay you for the privilege you're dumber than you look, and that boggles the mind.
- Does that mean you're not writing the column? - In spades.
Well, maybe that's for the best.
Igor's already turned in his first recipe anyway Boston clam chowder.
Boston clam chowder? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it sounds delish.
Let's see.
You take a bucket of canned clams - add four boxes of powdered milk - [Groans.]
- Hey! Watch where you're goin'.
What're you doin'? - Oh, oh.
Sorry! Sorry, Captain.
Scuse my impertinence but if all these sticks were laid end to end, and they are, what would they be? They would be, and are, the foundation for the Washington Monument.
- Don't they already have one of those someplace? - It's completely different.
That one commemorates Washington the man who crossed the Delaware and gave us wooden teeth.
This one commemorates Washington the place which sent us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.
Scuse me.
My nose for news thinks it smells a story here.
They sent us half a million of these things, which is monumental stupidity.
So I'm building a monument to stupidity made out of tongue depressors and dedicated to all the wounded who have passed through here.
- Can I quote you on that? - What do I care? I'll put word of these tongue depressors on everyone's lips.
Wow! This story could win me the Wurlitzer Prize! Composing room, hold that front page! "Daffy Doc Sticks Out Tongue Depressors at Washington.
" Huh? Huh? [Laughs.]
[Klinger Shouting.]
Look here.
! Look here.
! Read all about it.
! "Tongue Depressor Tower Makes MASH Folks Say 'Ah"'.
! Morning, sir.
Buy a copy to read on the way to work? I'm a subscriber, remember? Except this morning all I found on my doorstep was doorstep.
A thousand pardons, O Petulant Patron.
We're still breaking in our circulation department.
- Here's your replacement copy.
- Thank you.
- That'll be 10 cents, please.
- Ten cents? I paid for a whole month.
- Newsstand prices.
- How'd you like your first insurance fire? Ah, sir.
You drive a bargain right through my heart.
Get me the city desk! "Newsboy Robbed by Desperado Doc"! Hi, guys.
I didn't know this was a "Father" and "My Son" project.
These are the names of all the young men who've been through here.
- What do you think, Beej? - Simple, understated, yet futile.
You'll be happy to know you pushed the bowling scores off the front page.
Three cheers for the fourth estate.
Well, now people will know what you're trying to do.
By the way, what are you trying to do? I don't know.
Maybe nothing.
Well, you're certainly off to a good start.
- [Laughing.]
- Shh! - "C.
Emerson Winchester's Thought for Food.
" - Just a working title.
[Smacks Lips.]
"Duck a I'orange Beacon Hill style.
" - Why don't you just call it "Duck a la Chuck"? - Do you mind? Just 'cause you're writing about food doesn't mean you get to bite my head off.
I'll just sit over here and do my crossword puzzle.
Let's see.
"A nine-letter word for my Uncle Bustaffa's middle name.
" Evening, busy beaver.
How goes the dam buildin'? - Working my tail off.
- So I see.
- You didn't answer the dinner bell.
- No time.
No time.
Now, how do you expect to keep up your strength if you don't chow down? But as the saying has it, "If Muhammad won't come to the meat loaf" Ah, what the heck.
- Even Michelangelo sent out for pizza now and then.
- That-a-boy.
You know, some folks would say you're wasting all that stick-to-itiveness on sticks.
What you're so delicately trying to tell me is that I'm nuts, huh? Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
We all of us need our little hobbies to keep from goin' loco.
I have my palette and paints.
Klinger has his headlines and deadlines.
I think this is a little more than a casual hobby.
I'd call this a casual obsession a little mania to help me relax.
Well, then enjoy your little woodpile.
At least it'll keep you out of a room with rubber wallpaper.
- Well, then I'd be crazy to stop.
- All I ask is that you save a couple of tongue ticklers for the customers.
We interrupt this conversation for a late-breaking bulletin.
I sent a copy of MASH Notes to Stars and Stripes, as a professional courtesy.
They want to do a story about this tower and tomorrow they're sending a couple of guys to cover it.
- Would that be World News or Real Estate? - Put it in Amusements.
Nah, it's bigger than that.
You're making a statement here! You know what this is? This is the "Leaning Tower of Peace.
" Hey, I like that.
I'll be your personal press agent.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Oh, this is the break I've been looking for.
I'll be a respected member of the journalistic community.
Free passes to the circus Whoo-hoo! Say, lad, I didn't get this morning's copy of the Klinger Chronicle.
It's right at your feet, sir.
I left it outside your door.
Well, well.
I'm glad to see you're paper-trained.
You'll especially enjoy our two new columnists.
Houlihan on beauty and Winchester on food Major additions to this edition.
- New tunes on the house organ, eh? - And the best is yet to come.
- This is a new column, starting tomorrow.
- "Dear Aunt Sadie.
" Who's this Sadie lady? Yours truly, sir.
It's advice to the lovelorn.
People are more willing to bare their souls to a woman so I'm writing under an assumed sex.
You know, son, I thought the tabloid trade was just one of your passing fancies, but you've proved me wrong.
- You're making this a going concern, and I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, sir.
You bet.
Captain, I'd like to present my esteemed colleagues from the corps de press.
- This is Captain Maurice Allen.
- Captain.
- Call me Maury.
My photographer, Ray Tornberg.
- Hiya.
How are ya? This, of course, is my client, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce and his tower-to-be.
Benjamin Can I call you Ben? So, Ben, this is quite a piece of work.
You do this all by yourself? Yeah, I got in on the ground floor.
Of course, the chaplain helped me with the spelling.
Oh, yes, the chaplain.
There's a good sidebar story in him.
Now, let me ask you this, Ben.
This, uh, uh - thing here this tower this, uh, structure - Mmm.
- Where'd the idea come from? - Well, we got a shipment of 500,000 tongue depressors, and - 500,000? - Yeah.
[Laughs.]
That's more tongues than you can shake a stick at.
[Laughing.]
[Clears Throat.]
What I'm driving at is, why a tower? I mean, what are you trying to say - with this, uh, uh, thingamabob? - Well It's a tribute to all the wounded treated at this unit.
It stands for the fallen.
Terrific.
Terrific.
Let me run this by you one time, Ben.
First of all, we do the story for Stars and Stripes.
But that's just the shrimp cocktail.
Now how about this for the entree? We pack up this whosiwhatsit of yours, ship it back to the States, display it everywhere.
A lot of brass bands, parades Great Great for enlistment! - "Doc Gives Recruiting Drive Shot in Arm.
" - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Recruitment? - Mmm.
I thought you were with Stars and Stripes.
Ray.
Ray He's with Stars and Stripes.
- Me I'm Army Information.
- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, well, that's news to me.
Stick with me, Ben.
We'll get this out on the A.
P.
, the U.
P every pea in the pod.
- Now, why don't you stand right here? Ray, set up a shot.
- Wait, wait, no.
Stay, Ray.
I'm really not finished with this yet, and besides, I look just a fright.
Why don't you give me about an hour to finish it up and slip into something less comfortable? Whatever the doctor orders.
Anyplace around here we can get a bite to eat? Sure.
The Mess Tent.
Come on.
- But I better warn you.
The food bites back.
- Uh-huh.
Back in 60 ticks, Ben.
It's a date, Maury.
So listen, Maury.
I got a great idea for ya.
You know how when you use tongue depressors, people say "Ah"? So why don't we call that monument the "Ah-ful Tower"? Cute.
Cute.
Good.
They got java.
I hope it's hot.
Hey, guys, when we get back to the Great 48, I'll look ya up.
We're all newspaper vets, and you know what they say "You wash my hands, I'll wash yours.
" Huh? Huh? [Gasps.]
Oh, small world, guys.
Here are two of my crack columnists.
Taught 'em everything they know.
- Hi, staff.
- You jerk! You've completely ruined my column on facials and mudpacks! Not to mention my recipe for duck a I'orange.
! Amateur scribes.
Can't stand to lose a line.
- We're amateurs? Listen to this.
- Amateurs? "Take a mudpack mixture and spread it liberally over the breasts and thighs making sure to coat the wings.
" "For orange sauce to glaze properly, it should remain on the face for two hours.
" - You crustacean.
- Edit this! Hey, Klinger.
Come here.
Ah, saved by the bellow.
What can I do for you after I've kissed your feet? You're my press aide.
I want you to press my pants.
- Uh, Ben.
How's it coming? - Oh, I ran into a little snag, fella.
Just need a few more ticks.
Come on.
[Maurice.]
Ben, you must really be proud of that whatchamacallit.
[Hawkeye.]
Well, actually I think of it more as a big doohickey.
Well, let's get this show on the road.
Good idea.
You take the picture, and you write the thousand words.
Now, Ray, you get about 10, 15 feet from that contraption.
Ben, you scoot right in next to it, and darned if we won't snap this baby.
Oh, wait a minute, Maury.
Let's not make any snap decisions here.
I tell you, seeing that monument now I mean, you know, for want of a better word just all by itself like that up against the majesty of that purple mountain with those flags fluttering in the breeze like that I mean, that's what it's all about, you know? Why don't we just take the picture from here? - I hear ya, Ben.
You know, you're absolutely right.
- Yeah.
- Ray, let's make pictures.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I want to make sure the I want to make sure the breeze catches those flags just right.
I'll I'll tell you when to snap.
Okay.
Ready - set - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, what's all that yellow rope around there? That's not rope.
That's Primacord.
Go! Well, how was I? - Smash hit.
- [Klinger Chuckles.]
What's going on here? Dateline: Korea.
"Furious Physician Nixes Sticks Pics.
" - Uh, B Ben, help help me out here.
- Yeah.
- Uh, I'm lost here, Benny.
- Yeah.
You spent two days and nights building that - Thingamabob.
- Whatever.
- And now you've blown it to kingdom come? - Yeah.
- What the devil for? - I think I can help you with that, guy.
Senseless destruction.
That's what it's all about.
Get the picture? Just because you want to kill one little story does not give you the right to use Uncle Sam's fireworks.
Well, one picture is worth a thousand smithereens.
Colonel, do the army regs not say we're supposed to dispose of munitions taken off the wounded, and have we not disposed of them? Not to mention Aw, what the heck.
I doff my demolition derby to you.
Just replace your divot.
Actually, I'd kind of like to leave it the way it is.
That hole in the ground is all I have to remember the tower by.
Well, maybe this'll help you to remember.
- Pretty good, huh? - Oh, that's great!