Robot Chicken s09e12 Episode Script
What Can You Tell Me About Butt Rashes
1 [Whirring.]
[Theme music.]
[Whirring.]
[music.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
[Alarm blaring.]
Oh, no.
Time to Hulk-out.
[Growling.]
[Deep voice.]
Oh, no! Hulk leg still asleep.
Hulk coming! W-Wait for Hulk! [Grunting.]
Mr.
Scrooge, you've given the Cratchit family a merry Christmas, indeed.
- And I've saved the best gift for Tiny Tim.
- Oh, gosh, what is it? Motherfuckin' robot legs! [Screaming, crashing.]
Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one! Merry Christmas, Cocksuckers! [music.]
- Yo, man, $50 for the girl.
- [Giggles.]
Hey.
She graduate high school? - Uh, no.
- Hey, fuck you.
High school graduates earn way more on average.
Shit! You hear that, baby? I'll get you a GED, and we both be earning.
Ooh! Cool! You really want to increase her earning potential, get her a bachelor's degree.
- Shit! I'll get her a motherfuckin' doctorate! - Huh? Thanks.
Yay! [Giggles.]
Whoo! We gonna make some bank now.
Aw, it's a shame that women only make - 70 cents on the dollar compared to men.
- Aw, hell, no! Nobody's rippin' off 30 cents on every dollar from me! Well, Congress doesn't exactly have a great equal-rights track record lately.
Baby, you're runnin' for Congress! - Aw! I don't wanna.
- If I say you runnin', you runnin' - and winning! - Ugh And that's why we must pass legislation for equal pay.
Women would get paid more if businesses didn't lose money - from maternity leave.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
- Now, sir, stay in your - Oh, my God! Nobody asked you about [bagel bangs.]
Congresswoman, will you please direct your associate to stop pimp slapping the fine representative Oh, shit! [Crash.]
Pimp: Ain't nobody asked you about shit! [Screaming.]
Got a grande, non-fat, triple three-pump, white mocha with light ice for Voldem-m Uh [country music.]
You know, the Confederate flag isn't a racist symbol.
The Civil War was principally a battle over states' rights, - not slavery.
- I disagree with my cousin Bo, and I am embarrassed to be in this car right now.
Ask my cousin Luke how many black friends he has.
The answer is zero.
Ask him how many black friends I have.
Spoiler alert one.
Checkmate! - Guess who's not a racist muh! - Please tell my cousin Bo that his dark-skinned friend, Chevy, is Guatemalan, not black.
Uh, tell my cousin Luke that I'm thinking of a different friend named T-Tyrone who lives in Chickasaw County, and Luke Luke's never even met him.
So, who's not a racist now? - That is such bullshit.
- You're such bullshit! [music.]
Oh, look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! I regret so many things.
Most of all, banging that guy in the pile of discarded lunch meat outside of Quiznos.
Oh, screw all of you.
I don't need your judgment.
I'm going! Going! The guy was kind of attractive in an ugly sort of way like a pug.
Plus, I hadn't gotten any in a while.
Why am I explaining myself to you idiots?! It was a mistake! I own that.
He also gave me Hep C.
Look, if you run into a very ugly man outside the Oz Quiznos, who is almost surely 18 by now, please tell him he has Hep C! Dad, can I have a rocket-powered skateboard? What happened to your allowance, Richie? Oh, I spent it on a gold-plated shark.
[Gasps.]
Oh, that's the same look the shark gave me as it sank to the bottom of the bay.
Gosh darn it! No more allowance until you learn how the real world works! Well, looks like we're in the same boat, brother essentially.
W-What's your story? Lost my job at the solar-energy plant.
Hmm.
I was the owner of this solar-energy plant.
- My dream is dead.
- What happened? The oil company lobbied Congress to shut us down.
Um, Senator, why did you let Big Oil write legislation that shut down the solar-energy plant? Well, it's a travesty, but special-interest money owns half of Congress.
But where does the special-interest money come from? $856,743 $856,744 Ah, Richie.
Did you learn a lesson about the real world? Yeah, I learned that special-interest money is destroying people's lives.
[Nervous laughing.]
Oh, yeah, hmm, hmm Well, until the special interests are stopped, America will continue to spiral down the toilet.
Sorry, Dad.
Pull that trigger and you'll never get that rocket-powered skateboard.
- Wheeeee! - Way to go, kid! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
I think I got another concussion, but Coach says I'm fine.
[Groans.]
Buy me a yacht.
Mama, why's that beautiful woman with a monster? Well, Chip [music.]
The story's old as dirt Scholars all agree Moron athletes get The best pussy to pet Unequivocally Goddamn it, baby, I ain't gonna tell you again not to talk when you talking to me, damn it! And what's going on over there, Mama? [music.]
Certain as a douche Having a goatee Domestic violence fears Lead to black-eyed tears Brute and his cutie Wah And where's the public outcry? Well Outrage can't score points Convicts can't play D Our memories are short Let's throw it out of court Justice takes a knee - Oh! - Hey, a free pot! Go long! [Screaming.]
- Mom! - [Mimics crying.]
Ohh, my mom You're a monster! - That's you.
- Sir, this is a restaurant! Are you single? [Cow bell ringing.]
Oh, I say, what do you say you trade that cow for these magic beans? Oh, magic beans! Sold, dude.
You mean to tell me you sold our only cow for a handful of beans?! Oh, son.
Fetch my whipping belt.
Well, surprise I'm already wearing it.
- And whip! - Ah-ow! Ah-ha-ha! Ah! Stupid beans.
I wish I'd never met you.
[Rumbling.]
Wow.
I wonder what's up there.
Eh.
Who gives a shit.
Hey, Monsanto, how much would you pay for an 8-mile-tall beanstalk? [rock music.]
Thanks for the beans, suckah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Tires squealing.]
[Coughing.]
That punk doesn't realize this cow is magic! [Cackling.]
Sprout your magic cow wings and fly me to Bermuda! Yeah! Well, [sighs.]
looks like I've made a terrible mistake.
I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.
And your watch.
And your glasses.
That belt Where did you acquire it? J-J-JCPenney.
JCPenney.
Thank you.
And your sandwich.
I need your sandwich.
I need your clothes, your boots, the JCPenney belt is a pass, your motorcycle, your watch, your sunglasses, and your sandwich.
You have a nice body.
Do you workout? Pika Ah - Pikachu's down.
- We're not finished yet.
I've got one more trick up my sleeve.
Are you ignoring me on purpose?! Pikachu is bleeding out! Glinda, Good Witch of the North, - I choose you! - It's Glinda.
All right, Glinda, munchkin mash! [Giggles.]
[Munchkins exclaiming.]
Now, go for the Yellow Brick Road.
[Singsong voice.]
Yellow-brick tornado! Emerald wizard attack! Uh, stop conjuring me.
I'm a very good man, but a poor Pokémon.
[Growls.]
- Finish him with the house of pain! - It's Glinda-Glinda.
[Air whistling.]
Oh, thank you, Ash.
Since Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the West, I've run out of bitches to scrap with.
[Giggles.]
Wow.
Do you have any other surprises in your balls? - [Chuckles.]
Wink.
- By the way, Pikachu is dead.
David, our dress code clearly calls for a three-piece suit.
Well, it's laundry day, so I tripled up on pants.
Hope that's cool.
Man: Squirrels have multiple uses for acorns.
It is both food source and suppository.
[chitters.]
Go on, then.
You said you'd do it for 100 squirrel dollars.
Deal is a deal.
Lieutenant Dan! You got new legs! Tiny Tim: And so did I! God bless us, every one! I love this new churro place, Sailor Scouts.
[Roaring.]
[Screaming.]
- Serena, turn into Sailor Moon.
- Right! - And I'll turn into Sailor Mercury.
- I'll become Sailor Mars.
- Sailor Jupiter.
- Sailor Venus.
And I'll turn into Sailor Earth! [Gasps.]
There's no Sailor Earth.
Watch and learn, babe.
Earth prism power go.
[Whimsical music.]
[Farts.]
[music.]
Wow.
You look out of breath.
Just what are your powers? I possess the combined qualities of all Earth people.
So, you know, whatever they do.
Earth power racism! Nice poncho, ese.
How many pesos did it cost, or did you steal it off a dead burro, you fuck? [All gasping.]
You cannot say those things! Oh, racism doesn't exist anymore? Tell it to the 7 billion Earthlings.
[Dramatic chord plays.]
Cool your tits.
I got this.
Chemically-enhanced decision-making activate But you're so out of shape.
Yeah, well, technically I'm obese, just like 30% of the Earth's population.
Ow! Shit! Ow! Oh! Law of unintended consequences, or whatever Monster: Wah! [Gasps.]
Wow, he did it! Oh, but the food court will be uninhabitable for weeks! I don't know, it's like that Earth expression "Only shit where you eat.
" - That is not the expression.
- Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to the Gulf after the next preventable oil spill.
[Whining.]
Sailor Earth makes me feel guilty about being a human being.
I beat up the owner, so this stuff's mine.
That's called geopolitics.
Hey, can I get in on some of that churro action? Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.
[Theme music.]
[Whirring.]
[music.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
[Alarm blaring.]
Oh, no.
Time to Hulk-out.
[Growling.]
[Deep voice.]
Oh, no! Hulk leg still asleep.
Hulk coming! W-Wait for Hulk! [Grunting.]
Mr.
Scrooge, you've given the Cratchit family a merry Christmas, indeed.
- And I've saved the best gift for Tiny Tim.
- Oh, gosh, what is it? Motherfuckin' robot legs! [Screaming, crashing.]
Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one! Merry Christmas, Cocksuckers! [music.]
- Yo, man, $50 for the girl.
- [Giggles.]
Hey.
She graduate high school? - Uh, no.
- Hey, fuck you.
High school graduates earn way more on average.
Shit! You hear that, baby? I'll get you a GED, and we both be earning.
Ooh! Cool! You really want to increase her earning potential, get her a bachelor's degree.
- Shit! I'll get her a motherfuckin' doctorate! - Huh? Thanks.
Yay! [Giggles.]
Whoo! We gonna make some bank now.
Aw, it's a shame that women only make - 70 cents on the dollar compared to men.
- Aw, hell, no! Nobody's rippin' off 30 cents on every dollar from me! Well, Congress doesn't exactly have a great equal-rights track record lately.
Baby, you're runnin' for Congress! - Aw! I don't wanna.
- If I say you runnin', you runnin' - and winning! - Ugh And that's why we must pass legislation for equal pay.
Women would get paid more if businesses didn't lose money - from maternity leave.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
- Now, sir, stay in your - Oh, my God! Nobody asked you about [bagel bangs.]
Congresswoman, will you please direct your associate to stop pimp slapping the fine representative Oh, shit! [Crash.]
Pimp: Ain't nobody asked you about shit! [Screaming.]
Got a grande, non-fat, triple three-pump, white mocha with light ice for Voldem-m Uh [country music.]
You know, the Confederate flag isn't a racist symbol.
The Civil War was principally a battle over states' rights, - not slavery.
- I disagree with my cousin Bo, and I am embarrassed to be in this car right now.
Ask my cousin Luke how many black friends he has.
The answer is zero.
Ask him how many black friends I have.
Spoiler alert one.
Checkmate! - Guess who's not a racist muh! - Please tell my cousin Bo that his dark-skinned friend, Chevy, is Guatemalan, not black.
Uh, tell my cousin Luke that I'm thinking of a different friend named T-Tyrone who lives in Chickasaw County, and Luke Luke's never even met him.
So, who's not a racist now? - That is such bullshit.
- You're such bullshit! [music.]
Oh, look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! I regret so many things.
Most of all, banging that guy in the pile of discarded lunch meat outside of Quiznos.
Oh, screw all of you.
I don't need your judgment.
I'm going! Going! The guy was kind of attractive in an ugly sort of way like a pug.
Plus, I hadn't gotten any in a while.
Why am I explaining myself to you idiots?! It was a mistake! I own that.
He also gave me Hep C.
Look, if you run into a very ugly man outside the Oz Quiznos, who is almost surely 18 by now, please tell him he has Hep C! Dad, can I have a rocket-powered skateboard? What happened to your allowance, Richie? Oh, I spent it on a gold-plated shark.
[Gasps.]
Oh, that's the same look the shark gave me as it sank to the bottom of the bay.
Gosh darn it! No more allowance until you learn how the real world works! Well, looks like we're in the same boat, brother essentially.
W-What's your story? Lost my job at the solar-energy plant.
Hmm.
I was the owner of this solar-energy plant.
- My dream is dead.
- What happened? The oil company lobbied Congress to shut us down.
Um, Senator, why did you let Big Oil write legislation that shut down the solar-energy plant? Well, it's a travesty, but special-interest money owns half of Congress.
But where does the special-interest money come from? $856,743 $856,744 Ah, Richie.
Did you learn a lesson about the real world? Yeah, I learned that special-interest money is destroying people's lives.
[Nervous laughing.]
Oh, yeah, hmm, hmm Well, until the special interests are stopped, America will continue to spiral down the toilet.
Sorry, Dad.
Pull that trigger and you'll never get that rocket-powered skateboard.
- Wheeeee! - Way to go, kid! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
I think I got another concussion, but Coach says I'm fine.
[Groans.]
Buy me a yacht.
Mama, why's that beautiful woman with a monster? Well, Chip [music.]
The story's old as dirt Scholars all agree Moron athletes get The best pussy to pet Unequivocally Goddamn it, baby, I ain't gonna tell you again not to talk when you talking to me, damn it! And what's going on over there, Mama? [music.]
Certain as a douche Having a goatee Domestic violence fears Lead to black-eyed tears Brute and his cutie Wah And where's the public outcry? Well Outrage can't score points Convicts can't play D Our memories are short Let's throw it out of court Justice takes a knee - Oh! - Hey, a free pot! Go long! [Screaming.]
- Mom! - [Mimics crying.]
Ohh, my mom You're a monster! - That's you.
- Sir, this is a restaurant! Are you single? [Cow bell ringing.]
Oh, I say, what do you say you trade that cow for these magic beans? Oh, magic beans! Sold, dude.
You mean to tell me you sold our only cow for a handful of beans?! Oh, son.
Fetch my whipping belt.
Well, surprise I'm already wearing it.
- And whip! - Ah-ow! Ah-ha-ha! Ah! Stupid beans.
I wish I'd never met you.
[Rumbling.]
Wow.
I wonder what's up there.
Eh.
Who gives a shit.
Hey, Monsanto, how much would you pay for an 8-mile-tall beanstalk? [rock music.]
Thanks for the beans, suckah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Tires squealing.]
[Coughing.]
That punk doesn't realize this cow is magic! [Cackling.]
Sprout your magic cow wings and fly me to Bermuda! Yeah! Well, [sighs.]
looks like I've made a terrible mistake.
I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.
And your watch.
And your glasses.
That belt Where did you acquire it? J-J-JCPenney.
JCPenney.
Thank you.
And your sandwich.
I need your sandwich.
I need your clothes, your boots, the JCPenney belt is a pass, your motorcycle, your watch, your sunglasses, and your sandwich.
You have a nice body.
Do you workout? Pika Ah - Pikachu's down.
- We're not finished yet.
I've got one more trick up my sleeve.
Are you ignoring me on purpose?! Pikachu is bleeding out! Glinda, Good Witch of the North, - I choose you! - It's Glinda.
All right, Glinda, munchkin mash! [Giggles.]
[Munchkins exclaiming.]
Now, go for the Yellow Brick Road.
[Singsong voice.]
Yellow-brick tornado! Emerald wizard attack! Uh, stop conjuring me.
I'm a very good man, but a poor Pokémon.
[Growls.]
- Finish him with the house of pain! - It's Glinda-Glinda.
[Air whistling.]
Oh, thank you, Ash.
Since Dorothy killed the Wicked Witch of the West, I've run out of bitches to scrap with.
[Giggles.]
Wow.
Do you have any other surprises in your balls? - [Chuckles.]
Wink.
- By the way, Pikachu is dead.
David, our dress code clearly calls for a three-piece suit.
Well, it's laundry day, so I tripled up on pants.
Hope that's cool.
Man: Squirrels have multiple uses for acorns.
It is both food source and suppository.
[chitters.]
Go on, then.
You said you'd do it for 100 squirrel dollars.
Deal is a deal.
Lieutenant Dan! You got new legs! Tiny Tim: And so did I! God bless us, every one! I love this new churro place, Sailor Scouts.
[Roaring.]
[Screaming.]
- Serena, turn into Sailor Moon.
- Right! - And I'll turn into Sailor Mercury.
- I'll become Sailor Mars.
- Sailor Jupiter.
- Sailor Venus.
And I'll turn into Sailor Earth! [Gasps.]
There's no Sailor Earth.
Watch and learn, babe.
Earth prism power go.
[Whimsical music.]
[Farts.]
[music.]
Wow.
You look out of breath.
Just what are your powers? I possess the combined qualities of all Earth people.
So, you know, whatever they do.
Earth power racism! Nice poncho, ese.
How many pesos did it cost, or did you steal it off a dead burro, you fuck? [All gasping.]
You cannot say those things! Oh, racism doesn't exist anymore? Tell it to the 7 billion Earthlings.
[Dramatic chord plays.]
Cool your tits.
I got this.
Chemically-enhanced decision-making activate But you're so out of shape.
Yeah, well, technically I'm obese, just like 30% of the Earth's population.
Ow! Shit! Ow! Oh! Law of unintended consequences, or whatever Monster: Wah! [Gasps.]
Wow, he did it! Oh, but the food court will be uninhabitable for weeks! I don't know, it's like that Earth expression "Only shit where you eat.
" - That is not the expression.
- Oh, yeah? Well, tell that to the Gulf after the next preventable oil spill.
[Whining.]
Sailor Earth makes me feel guilty about being a human being.
I beat up the owner, so this stuff's mine.
That's called geopolitics.
Hey, can I get in on some of that churro action? Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.