Will and Grace s09e12 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Mmm.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Is this weird? - No, I think it's so sweet that you go "Mm" every time we kiss.
It's like I'm on a tasting menu.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I I I meant that we live in the same building.
I mean, that's not a problem, right? That part's great.
- Good night.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Where have you been, missy? - Oh, God! Your mother and I have been worried sick.
Grace Louise, if you're in a family way, we'll raise it as your little sister - even if it's a boy.
- Mm.
So how was the date? Uhh! So good! Tell me everything! What's his name? What's his favorite "Real Housewife"? Where did you meet him? James.
He's straight.
The laundry room, last week.
Big whoop.
I fooled around with two guys at a laundry mat.
First I fluffed them and then I folded them.
Of course, this was before I was in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend Drew.
You are really getting good at saying that.
You don't make that pinched anus face anymore.
- I've been practicing.
- Mm.
So how's your mom doing with it? Oh, sadly, Mother's not on board.
It gets in way of her dream of us retiring together.
So how's this gonna work you dating a guy in the building? 'Cause I've seen you get the mail in nothing but a mud mask and that big t-shirt that says, "It was me.
I let the dogs out.
" James and I are adults.
There's no reason why this has to be weird or complicated.
- All right.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[GASPS.]
Ooh! Mmm.
Hi, James.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It's over.
James thinks it's too weird and complicated.
What? He broke up with you? Okay.
[SIGHS.]
You know the drill.
We'll open wine, I'll find sugar.
There's frozen pie crust.
Do you want me to thaw it or do you just wanna go at it as it is, it's your call.
Now, I'm gonna show you how to get over a guy - the gay way.
- Does it involve cardio? - Kind of.
- Ugh.
Mother always said the best way to get over one guy is to get under, behind and sideways with another one.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
All right.
I am off to the tennis club.
I know what you're thinking, didn't I already work out this morning? Yes, but if I burn off a few more calories after work, I can hit the Pressed Juicery.
I know, those things are pure sugar.
But what can I say? I love 'em.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know this was gonna be a story about juice.
You know what? Back it up, start from the beginning and really drag it out this time.
Okay? You know what's great about us working together and being around each other all day now? 'Cause I don't.
All the hens in the accounting department think you're a drip.
I am the accounting department.
Then you know.
Good-bye.
[MEN ARGUING IN SPANISH.]
- What are you watching? - M'story.
It's called "M'Servants," filmed live from m'kitchen.
- You spy on your staff? - More than that.
I control everything that happens in the manse from this phone.
Alarms, temperature, music, when it's time for the INS duck and cover.
It's like an interactive telenovela.
Check it.
Margot's greatest fear is having to tell the missus that she broke yet another tray of glasses.
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]
They're Waterford.
It'll take her years to pay me back.
This is this is the most invasive, morally bankrupt thing I jeez Louise, those guys are hot.
Yeah, well, they wouldn't be on TV if they weren't.
It's not the BBC.
[ARGUING IN SPANISH.]
That's Cook and that's Pastry Chef.
My theory is they're fighting over a girl.
But it's hard to be sure because they speak in their secret code.
You mean Spanish? Whoa, did you see that smoldering look? I think they're in love.
That's sexual tension.
It's the same look Lindsey Graham gives John McCain.
- They're gay? - Mm-hmm.
They don't look alike.
Karen, we shouldn't be watching them like this.
Come to my desk.
I have a bigger screen.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
What about him? He looks straight.
You're into that now, right? Hooking up with a stranger it's not me.
Because you're a prude.
I'm not a prude.
I've had sex in an elevator.
In the words of the horse-loving beauty Shania Twain that don't impress me much.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, it's my mother.
She can't stand it when I don't pick up.
And decline.
Oh, my God.
Hello.
So she wants to drive a Silverado.
- Grace Adler.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, what a surprise.
Oh, Jack, Jack, um this is Jerry Wise, - my college lit professor.
- Hello.
Professor Wise is a legend.
I mean, so inspirational.
He used to say, I would rather be a success as a fish than a failure as a fish trying to be a bird.
I don't get that.
Well, I hope that you're still being a fish.
Oh, please.
Me a bird? None of this means anything, right? Grace, it's very nice seeing you again.
BOTH: Bye.
- I slept with him in college.
- Impressed? Please, I fooled around with so many professors in college and they all magna came loudly.
Karen, I love this show, but the will-they-won't-they - is killing me.
- Honey, I've turned the heat up as high as it'll go, but there's still no gay porn.
[LAUGHS.]
That's 'cause a good gay porno needs the right kinda music.
Or so I've read in academic journals.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
[SIGHS, MUTTERS.]
- Ohh.
- It's happening.
It's happening! [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- So close! - Devil! [SIGHS.]
Okay, we blew it with the music, that's on me.
That's it.
I'm switching over to my limo.
When we last left Driver, he was upside down in a ditch.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm I'm too invested in the love story.
Well, so am I.
Gosh, I haven't rooted this hard for a gay couple to get together on TV since Frasier and Niles.
They were brothers.
I know.
What do you think they're saying? What's keeping these two guys apart? If only we could break their secret code! Yeah.
Again, Spanish.
[COMPUTER RINGING.]
- Hi, sexy.
- Ah! It's the Verizon Guy! Hi, Neil.
Can I can I mute you a sec? Ugh, rescheduling a second date with this guy for years.
Every time I think I'm rid of him, he pops back up like Geraldo Rivera.
Hey, Neil.
Tonight's on the books, stud.
"Friday night, Will gets Neiled.
Eggplant, eggplant, smiley face.
" The smiley face will be yours.
Uh, I I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel again.
No! No, Mama.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Moms, right? - He knows the servants' secret code! That's right, his mom's from Argentina.
It's the one interesting thing about him.
So lover, about tonight? - I think tonight will work.
- Mm-hmm.
Can you pop by the office? So you wanna play secretary, huh? Take a little dick-tation - from Mr - Okay, bye.
- Go flirt with someone! - No, Jack.
Let's just go home.
Women are different.
We can't just go up to any rando and say, "Let's have sex.
" Trust me, I'm well aware of the subtle and delicate mating rituals of the heterosessual woman.
[CLATTERING.]
- She did that.
She likes you.
- Oh! I don't like you.
I mean, I I don't know if I like you because I don't know you.
Well, it's my loss.
Because you're the most beautiful woman who's come in here all day.
[LAUGHS.]
[CLATTERING.]
Just today? Ahh, the fish has become the bird.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
No, mother, I couldn't answer the phone because I was helping Grace hook up with a waiter.
Jack! Tell her it was a hot waiter.
And in the ladies' room.
Aren't you impressed now? I once had sex in the ladies' room in the Statue of Liberty.
Only woman I've ever been inside of.
No, you're gonna let me speak.
No, you're gonna let me speak, Mother! James Jack I can't with this right now.
Because he's my boyfriend, Drew.
Deal with it, okay no, you do not hang up on me.
Do not Judith! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Are those for me? Grace, I'm an idiot.
I panicked.
I'm just out of a divorce and you live in the building and none of that means anything because there is a crazy, beautiful moon out right now and there is no one that I would rather look at it with.
I'd look at the moon with you.
Wow, you made that so easy.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, this is my problem.
I I get so worried about things getting complicated.
It's not.
There is nothing - complicated about this at all.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Dad? - Mm.
J.
J.
Hi.
I was just coming up to grab those Knicks tickets, but here you are - Here we all are.
- Yeah.
So this is the woman in the building - that you've been talking about.
- Yep.
And don't you get any ideas, bub.
Oh, that's crazy! [LAUGHS.]
Okay, okay, James, you know what? Um, why don't you go in there and, um, open that beautiful bottle of pinot.
Um, I'm going to drill your son grill your son Grill your son about about you.
Okay, all right.
But don't give too much away.
[LAUGHS.]
He better not! Okay, today was fun, but let's just agree it never happened.
No.
I wanna see you again.
- No! No, no.
- oh, just have coffee with me.
No, I am I am seeing your father.
I'll fight him for you.
Dad! What?! Shh! Okay, okay, okay.
We'll have we'll have coffee.
And and maybe a biscotti.
Okay, two biscottis, 'cause I like to dip one And then eat the other one and Okay, but can you can you please, please just just go, just go.
J.
J.
, do you have time for wine? He doesn't.
- No, I have time.
- What? - Mmm.
- Ohh! Talk to us.
What what are they saying? Mm, someone's an eager beaver.
To which I say damn.
Just translate, Univision.
[BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Ooh, new development: the pastry chef just asked the cook to Atlantic City for the weekend.
Yes! Yes! And and what'd he say? He says he can't.
He's got a thing.
- Ah! I knew it! - Ohh.
You see, Cook is stringing him along 'cause he likes him, but he thinks he can do better.
- You called that one, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a total cook tease.
- Yeah.
You know, if this was a real telenovela, a new love interest would arrive to make Cook jealous.
This show needs a new character.
I can have Shia LaBeouf there in an hour! Just tap a mirror three times with a razor blade and LaBeouf! He appears like magic.
Okay, here you go.
And I totally understand if you don't have time to finish this glass of wine.
So tell us about this new lady of yours.
J.
J.
texted me, said he met an older woman today.
Not that much older.
I'm I'm guessing.
I mean, how would I know? I don't know.
I mean, I literally don't know.
- I'm just taking your word.
- Yeah, she's awesome.
She walked into the bar and lit up the place.
That's how I felt when I met grace.
She walked into the laundry room and just lit it up.
[CHUCKLES.]
- To beginnings.
- BOTH: To beginnings.
- And happy endings.
- [COUGHING.]
Okay, I think that's enough indoor drinking, uh, for now.
Um, oh! James, we forgot to look at the moon.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, come on, come on.
Okay, you go first, and I will be right there.
And you better run so that you are not late to that game.
Oh, you would be such a great mom.
You really know how to handle my son.
- She does.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- When can I see you? - Okay, you gotta go.
- No, first tell me who's BETTER: Me or my dad.
What? Ew, no! - I will never say that.
- I'm not leaving - until you tell me.
- Grace? Okay, you're better.
Uh, James - James, how's the moon? - Not as bright as you.
I'm not as bright as you think I am.
J.
J.
, I, uh, I forgot to give you these tickets, buddy.
Uh, who you going to the game with? Grandpa.
I texted him that I was up here.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Oh, and there he is.
Okay.
Good-bye.
Well, hello.
Hi, Pop.
[MEN SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Hola.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
We speak English.
I did not know that.
What is a tennis instructor doing in the kitchen? Looking for someone to play with.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
What is that music?! Mrs.
Walker asked me to give one member of the kitchen staff a free lesson.
And I pick you.
You've got the perfect frame for tennis.
And other stuff.
Well, thank you.
- I've never really played.
- Oh, it's easy.
Just wrap your fingers around that.
- You feel that? - I do.
Get your hands off him! Why? 'Cause you have unresolved feelings for him you've never expressed 'cause you're waiting for something better to come along and now you realize he's the one you really want? Well, basically, yes.
That's a really good guess.
Alejandro [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Oh! [FUNKY MUSIC.]
My work here is done.
[LAUGHS.]
Grace Adler.
Twice in one day.
- How wonderful.
- You know each other? I had him in college.
I he was my professor - in college.
- I remember when Grace first walked into my class.
She lit up the room.
BOTH: She did.
- Oy, gevalt.
Mm, she was a special student.
Actually, she was very special - because Grace and I - Oh, my God! We forgot to look at the moon.
Someone someone's gotta check on it.
What if something happened to it? Okay oh, yeah, so you want me to look for it? - Please! - Okay, okay.
Would you, please? And J.
J.
, don't be so rude.
Go get your grandfather a drink.
Oh, gosh.
Please, please, please, please don't tell your son and your grandson about our history.
I am I'm kinda seeing James right now.
I've been thinking about you all day.
Let's recreate that magic.
I just told you I am seeing your son.
But I'm better, right? - Really? - When can I see you? Oh, gosh, I don't know.
Maybe next week for a biscotti.
Two biscottis, maybe.
You know, I think maybe I oversold the moon.
Um, it's a moon.
That's it.
Okay, you know what? I wanna make a toast.
To the Knicks, who start on time.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right? - Yeah.
- There it is.
- [TOGETHER.]
Mmm.
- Oh, God.
Okay, J.
J.
, you better get going.
- Yeah.
- The only time he wants to spend time with me is when I'm with a pretty girl.
- Oh.
- I think I'm good with my own pretty girl.
I once had the prettiest girl in the world.
Great, great.
So you had the prettiest girl in the world.
Once again, you win, Dad.
You're the one who made it a competition.
You make everything a competition.
Maybe you didn't have the prettiest girl in the world I had the prettiest girl.
Dear God, for once in my life, let me win! I have the prettiest girl in the world! Oh, you never had the prettiest girl in the world! - Oh, God - Stop! No! I can't stand this anymore! Stop! I am the prettiest girl in the world! You are fighting over me.
- What? - All of use? Grandpa! [SIGHS.]
All right, here goes.
I slept with you in college 'cause I was working through a dad issue.
I slept with you today as a rebound to get over you.
You slept with my son and my father? You really have to put it into context.
You lost, Dad.
All right, Grace said - she'd go out with me.
- No, no, she asked me out next week for coffee.
And who knows what else.
Rawr.
- What is wrong with you?! - Okay, okay, I I said I would go out with you.
But only so that you wouldn't tell your dad that I slept with you.
And I said I would go out with you just so that you wouldn't tell your son and your grandson that I slept with you.
But in my defense I have not meant a single word of what I have said tonight, except to you, James.
James, I really, really, really like you.
And I really don't see any reason why this has to be complicated.
And as I'm saying this, I realize that this will not work and so you tell me what day you do the laundry and I will work around your schedule.
- Generally, Saturday mornings.
- Oh, really? 'Cause that's - when I like to okay.
- Oh, my God.
- We should go to the game.
- Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
- I'll call you.
Rawr.
- I know him, he's - James' father.
- And that's - Grandson.
- So you - Mm-hmm.
Respect.
Ah, honey, you did it! Oh, it was so much fun! - Aww.
- Hey, maybe working with you - won't be complete torture.
- Right back at you, Wilma.
It's so interesting, Pastry Chef was making these pirouettes that were just perfect.
Whenever I do them, they're always too thick and the ratio between ganache and cookie is all wrong - and they they - Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Whoa! Wait a minute.
LMAO, I did not know this was gonna be a story about gay cookies.
Oh! Okay, so back it up, start at the beginning.
But wait until I leave.
Oh Karen, you forgot - [ALARM BLARING.]
- [GLASS SHATTERS.]