Shameless US s09e13 Episode Script
Lost
1 Jesus, you mind? Oh, shit, man, what is your problem? Oh, it's the whole "what happened last week" thing? All right.
Would you just back up a little bit? Thank you.
You're both going to nursery school, but you can't ever be in the same room at the same time, and you're both named Amy now.
Are you fucking my sister? Debbie and I are friends.
Carl thinks if two women are friends, they must be gay.
[CARL.]
No, I think Debbie's gay because she follows you around like a little puppy dog.
[DEBBIE.]
I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.
I think we should break up.
Why, 'cause you love my sister? No, because you're too clingy.
Call me when you're not so needy.
- I'm pregnant.
- Are you sure it's mine? Yeah, I'm sure it's yours.
The last thing I need in my life is a man telling me what to do.
I really don't give a shit about what you think, but I do understand that you might have some feelings about this.
If you decide to have this baby, I want to make damn sure it has a father.
I own this house! The title is in my name! I'm not letting you live here, not with Liam and not with Franny.
- Fuck you! - Lip kicked you out of the house? Yeah, you believe that motherfucker? I'm carrying my shit around in garbage bags.
You're a bad drunk.
When you drink, you get mean.
A good drunk is fun.
A bad drunk wants to have a fight.
[LIP.]
If you really love her, and you really are her friend, you won't let her stay with you.
She needs to hit rock bottom.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [SNORING.]
[RUMBLING.]
What the fuck were you doing in there? You crazy? I was just I just calm Get the hell out of here! - You trying to get yourself killed? - [CAR HORN BLARES.]
[FRANK SCREAMING.]
Are you all right, man? Yeah.
Are you sure? You went down hard.
Joey, you better call an ambulance.
No, no.
No [LAUGHS.]
No ambulance.
I'm fine.
Are you sure, buddy? Yeah.
I'm right as rain.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Okay.
I'm I'm I'm fine.
I just bruised myself.
Hey.
How was work? Long.
Franny asleep? [FIONA.]
Yeah, I didn't hear a peep all night.
She's up now.
[CARL.]
Fuck off, Debbie.
Carl, it's Fiona.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Come on, I gotta pee.
Carl! [CHUCKLES.]
What was that about? Kelly broke up with him.
[SIGHS.]
How much longer, babe? I think my calf is starting to cramp.
30 more seconds.
30 seconds, and then we can make sweet, sweet love for hours and hours, days, even.
I am.
I am getting a cramp.
Two weeks! Two weeks, baby, without your wonderfulness.
[KEV.]
Just a few more seconds.
When the vasectomy doctor said you had to wait two weeks, I don't think he literally meant - you had to wait for - Five, four here we go.
Two.
One.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh Okay.
Take it a little easier.
- Feels so good.
- Uh, I know, but we don't want to break the bed, or me.
Oh.
[GASPS.]
Kev? Did you just Mm-hmm.
[CRIES SOFTLY.]
Okay, then.
[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS.]
Coffee? Almost.
How you feeling? A little rough around the edges in the morning.
- You know? - Sure.
How's Xan? Uh, I might get to see her in a couple days.
Foster family signed off, but I need DCFS approval.
Wanna catch a meeting this morning? Yeah, thanks.
[FIONA.]
Here.
[LIP.]
Thanks.
What happened to your face? - Fryer at work.
- Don't pick.
God, you'll make scars.
[DEBBIE.]
Urlacher over Butkus? No, not a chance.
Butkus was an animal.
Eight pro bowls.
Hall of Fame.
Have you checked out Butkus on YouTube? Pre-concussion rules? He would've kicked Khalil Mack's ass if they'd played together.
That's a fact.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
See you outside in five.
Kelly.
We're going back-to-school shopping for guns and ammunition and things.
Didn't you just get back home from working all night? Don't feel sleepy.
I'll catch it up later.
[SCOFFS.]
Urlacher over Butkus.
Can you believe that shit? Uh, Franny? Taking her with.
[SIGHS.]
I gotta go.
Lip Gallagher around? - Uh, yeah, he's inside.
- Hey, watch your step.
There's a homeless guy passed out on the sidewalk.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
He a little help? Frank? I think I broke something.
- [CARL.]
Something bad? - Leg.
Uh, you want to call 911? No.
Help me inside.
What's Frank doing out here? Uh, he says he broke his leg or something.
Won't let me call 911.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Carl.
[GASPS.]
Is that blood? It's just a scratch.
[MOANS.]
That's bone.
[GAGS.]
[GAGS.]
Help me inside.
For fuck's sake.
Someone grab his arms.
I'll grab his good leg.
Come on.
[FRANK.]
Easy, easy, easy Will you fucking ow.
[ALL GRUNT.]
[FRANK.]
Oh, God.
Hello! Is Lip around? - Uh, I think he might - [FOOTSTEPS.]
Um Uh, hi, Mr.
Tamietti.
You and I need to talk, son.
Oh, yeah? Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Uh, she's she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided - the last that we, uh - Oh, yeah.
She's keeping the baby.
That's not open for discussion.
No, no, sir.
I just mean, um, last time we talked, she she seemed unclear - about what she wanted to do.
- Oh, it's clear.
- She's having the baby.
- [DEBBIE.]
Good God.
Almost there.
- A little help here! - Okay, okay, okay.
Put me down.
Put me down, no more.
Down there! Down there! - [DEBBIE.]
Jesus.
- [GROANS.]
[FIONA.]
What happened? - [CARL.]
He busted his leg.
- Is that bone? [FIONA.]
What the fuck? Why didn't you call an ambulance? - [CARL.]
He wouldn't let us.
- The hell is that? [LIP.]
Mollies - A few personal items.
- [LIP.]
And acid.
[FIONA.]
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance? Uh, who the hell is that? Our dad.
Why doesn't he want an ambulance? Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Uh, you know, Mr.
Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [FRANK.]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911? Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
I gotta go to work.
[FRANK GROANS.]
Yeah, we should go, too.
[FIONA.]
I'll give your associates five minutes.
Then I'm calling 911.
Borrow your phone? - Mail.
- Ah, I'm late for work.
Ah, crap.
I forgot the stroller.
Take her.
[SIGHS.]
[CAR ENGINE APPROACHING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Move.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Frank again? Yeah.
[ENGINE GROWLS.]
[QUINCY.]
Open femur fracture.
Definitely going to need surgery.
I'm in a lot of pain here.
Could I get 15 of morphine? No can do, Frank.
Lidoc is that lidocaine? Yep.
Ah, come on, guys! You got any fentanyl in there? That'd take the edge off.
[QUINCY.]
Can give you a bite block to chomp down on if you like.
A bite block? [LAUGHS.]
What are you, the Marquis de Sade? Best I can do after last time.
I did not steal drugs from your ambulance.
I saw you take it, Frank.
Are you sure you don't want that bite block? This might sting.
Fuck you, Quincy.
[FRANK GRUNTS, YELLS.]
[CRIES AND YELLS.]
Personally, I would've taken the bite block.
[YELLS.]
You want to ride with him again? How long's the wait at County this morning? Pro hockey season's shorter.
- [FRANK.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! - Okay.
Let me get my purse and tell my brother we're leaving.
Easy, easy, easy, e Keep whining, Frank, and I'll find every pothole between here and County to bounce you over.
Hey, Liam? I gotta take Frank to the ER, so you have to make yourself breakfast, okay? Hey.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Liam? You want Tabasco? Eight seconds.
[SIGHS.]
It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe.
Give it some time.
12-year-olds last longer.
All right, girls, finish up.
It's almost time for school.
Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds? You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls? Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
That's me now.
Mr.
Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
Okay, girls.
Dishes in the sink and backpacks.
Let's go.
I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys.
Can you ever forgive me? You're gonna live, baby.
It's one tiny incision.
[VERONICA.]
Wait for Mommy.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, God.
Your sister coming again this morning? She said she was, yeah.
Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.
- Bob? - Yeah.
Shit.
What did he want? Wants to know my plan.
You have a plan? No.
Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.
Don't fuck with Bob.
He's tougher than he looks.
He said Tami's definitely having the baby.
That's the Tamiettis.
Old-school Catholics.
Big families and fish on Fridays.
She tell you she was going to see a doctor today? No.
This afternoon.
Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.
W-what kind of doctor? Did she say? Nope.
Tami likes to stick it to her dad.
Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
It's starting.
Yeah.
All right.
Coke, crackers, and a bedpan.
Barb's saying three hours, but could be five.
I can't stay the whole time.
I got a meeting.
Oh, Christ.
AA? Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult? Meeting with a public defender.
Trouble with the law? Excuse me.
I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh.
Does this look like a scam to you? Hey, doc.
Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur? Come on, I Ah, that's right.
Just walk on by, Osama.
We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H-1B visa.
More bees with honey, Frank.
This is nothing but torture and payback.
- - You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake.
Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me.
How did this happen, anyway? I was taking a brief nap in that shithole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me! My apartment building? I woke up with a a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life.
I should sue the bastards.
You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay? I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
Never know.
They may settle to avoid a court case.
Hey.
You got anything useful in there? Eh, a Quaalude? - Maybe an oxy? - No.
Miss! Excuse me.
I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture.
I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain? I don't need much.
20 of morphine would be more than enough.
You're Frank, right? - Yes.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
Your reputation precedes you.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this! - [YOLANDA.]
Mr.
Gallagher? - Yes! - Here! - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
So, Mr.
Gallagher, I see you visited our hospital in the past.
Yes, once or twice.
52 times, actually, and you have no insurance.
Unfortunately not.
Um Difficulty securing employment in this challenging economy.
Unemployment rate is under 4%.
We're hiring janitors without hands.
I have five different birthdates and four different middle initials in your records.
Are you over 65, Mr.
Gallagher? Do you need me to be? If you're over 65, you qualify for Medicare.
Free hospitalization, drugs Yes, I'm over 65.
Just had a birthday.
Put that down.
When were you born? January 16th, 19 - 54.
- 54, exactly.
Do you have ID I can use to verify that date of birth? Maybe.
I found that at a Dairy Queen.
[FRANK.]
I've been meaning to return that.
It says you were born in 1936.
Makes you 83.
I try to take care of myself.
Someone will be over to examine you shortly.
I gotta go soon.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- [DEBBIE.]
Hey, Fiona.
- Hey, Debs, are you home? - No.
Why? - [FIONA.]
Liam wasn't there when I left the house with Frank this morning, and I locked up.
I don't know if he has his keys.
He's not answering his phone? No.
Straight to voice mail.
Can you track him down, make sure he can get in? - [DEBBIE.]
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- Okay.
Good luck.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Whoa Whoa, whoa - Rah! - Gah! [LAUGHS.]
You need one of these? If I get the same roommate I had last year, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- Stinky? - Ever leave half a burrito under the seat of your car all summer? - [SHUDDERS.]
- I know.
Oof.
So how do you like military school? Two hundred girls, ten bathrooms.
It's survival of the fittest.
How long have you been going there for? Since my mom ran off with a gunnery sergeant when I was nine.
My God.
Was that hard? Nothing like this What every South Side girl needs: Kevlar.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously.
[LAUGHS.]
Put it on.
Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Whoo! Damn! Whoa You ain't seen nothing [DIALS PHONE.]
Hi, Liam.
You have your keys? Fiona locked you out of the house.
Call me back.
You ever see your mom? On Facebook.
Took her years, but she finally let me friend her.
I'm feeling alive Weird.
Liam always answers his phone.
Wa.
Voilà .
What do you think? Badass? - Definitely.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh you ain't seen nothing like this Oh, whoa Whoa You ain't seen nothing like this [PHONE CHIMES.]
Damn, your phone's lighting up.
Yep.
- You gonna answer it? - Nope.
Biscuits, fresh out of the oven.
You boys need anything else? - Ah, no thanks, Grandma.
- How about you, Liam? All set, Mrs.
Thompson.
Okay.
I'll be in the kitchen if you change your mind.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Don't you think they might be worried? Took them two days to realize I was gone.
Can't be too worried.
Why the long face, little pirate? Nothing.
Come on.
You can tell your Auntie Lori.
I gotta make sure my favorite first mate's head is in the game.
Happy cooks make happy meals.
I didn't make it past the first round of cuts for West Point, and my lesbian sister is in love with my girlfriend, trying to turn her gay, too.
Wow.
World's really stomping on your dreams, huh? When God hands you lemons, you just gotta squeeze that juice into the wound and enjoy the pain.
Ma'am? You're my star.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get right back up on that horse.
Horse, ma'am? Right back into that saddle, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Hello? Anybody? Ah, come on! I have to set myself on fire to get some attention around here? Please do! I'll bring the matches if you bring the gasoline.
About damn time.
How'd you do on the back nine, doc? Even par? How you been, Frank? Taking care of that new liver someone was stupid enough to waste on you? - Hm.
- [TYSON.]
So, what is it this time? You're speaking, so I'm gonna rule out an overdose or alcohol poisoning.
Broke an appendage.
Hurts like hell.
Could you hook me up with a healthy helping of your favorite opiate? You haven't had anything yet? Not a damn thing.
Your coworkers have been tighter than a miser at a March of Dimes fundraiser with the pain relief.
Couldn't even rustle up a Tylenol 3 with codeine.
Ow.
That's bone.
That's what I've been saying! [TYSON.]
Congratulations, Frank.
You hit the jackpot this time.
You get a quick trip to the OR and copious amounts of intravenous narcotics.
Hey, Maggie.
Call up to surgery and find out who's okay with not getting paid today.
You were drunk? Yes.
You initiated the assault? I only punched her once.
You fractured her cheekbone.
You have a previous felony conviction? Yeah.
[BAER.]
Well, it's not much of a defense to present.
[BAER.]
You're a convicted felon, you were drunk, you attacked a woman without any provocation in front of a dozen witnesses.
No, there was provocation.
She she called the cops on my ten-year-old brother for selling lemonade in front of her house.
Why would she do that? My brother's black.
You have a black brother? Yeah.
DA may be reluctant to put that in front of a black Chicago jury.
[BAER.]
We might be able to plead it down from a felony to a misdemeanor.
Will I have to do time? Depends.
You employed? I'm looking.
What about AA? Yes.
Okay, I'll talk to the DA.
Thank you.
But Miss Gallagher, the judge is gonna want to see proof that you are a contributing member of society, so no alcohol, and get yourself a job, any job.
Yes, ma'am.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- [FRANCES.]
Just a drill, children.
No need for panic.
Line up behind your teacher in a straight line.
Straight lines, James McPherson! [FRANCES.]
Abby Zoldan, does that look like a straight line? Gus Accord, stop eating sand from the sandbox [FRANCES.]
and get in line, please.
[FRANCES.]
Here we go.
Line up.
Go to your number.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going, Amy Ball? I have to go back in.
Can you get in line behind Sister Anne, please? [GEMMA.]
I can't.
I have to go back in my cubby.
Why do you have to get back in your cubby? So you don't see us.
See who? There's two of you? [TOMMY.]
Eight seconds? Whew, that's rough.
[KERMIT.]
Yeah.
My cousin Ronnie never recovered from his surgery.
[KERMIT.]
Been ten years.
He still has to wear one of those adult diapers.
From a vasectomy? No.
Prostate.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? I'm just saying.
It's never a good idea to let doctors near your man parts with anything sharp.
I thought you guys were gonna help cheer me up.
Okay.
Okay.
Did sex still feel good? Yeah.
Great.
It was quick, but good.
So enjoy that.
Lots of guys don't get any.
- Be happy with quick.
- Yeah.
Cousin Ronnie can't get it up at all anymore since the surgery.
He has to use one of those pump things.
Enough about Cousin Ronnie, would you, Kermit, please? Eight seconds with you is like eight hours with anyone else, baby.
Short but sweet.
Very short.
[LAUGHTER.]
You just had the vasectomy, baby.
You'll be back to your regular - ten seconds in no time.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [TOMMY.]
Oh, damn.
[KERMIT.]
Oh, burn.
Oh.
Alibi.
Yes, Sister? Yes, I understand.
Thank you.
Absolutely.
What? The nuns know.
Hey.
How long you been waiting here like a creepy stalker? Not long.
Bullshit.
Carla saw you out here a half-hour ago.
She wanted to call the cops.
So my dad find you this morning? Yeah, he came to my house.
Yeah? And what'd you two boys decide? Am I having this baby or not? He says you're keeping it.
He did, huh? Good to know.
Oh, so you're not? I just needed him off my ass.
- All right, then you are.
- Jesus, what is it with men trying to tell me what to do with my own body? I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
All right? I'm just confused.
He made it sound like your decision was made.
Well, he doesn't know shit.
All right, then.
Good? So are we done? Where are you going? Where am I going? Yeah.
The doctor's.
Who told you? Brad? Yeah.
And you want to come? Yeah, if you want me to.
I don't, or I would have asked you to in the first place.
All right, you know, go fuck yourself, Tami.
Fuck me.
Lip.
Lip! - Lip! - What? We're already here.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Liam? Liam, you home? You want a beer? Yeah, absolutely.
Whee.
I'll be right back.
Damn, girl! Ah.
[BELCHES.]
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- If I'm gonna be a sailor, I gotta learn to drink like one.
A-cheers.
So what do you want to do in the Navy? I'm gonna fly jets.
Like, off aircraft carriers and stuff? That's the idea.
[DEBBIE.]
That is so cool.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Gotta break them in before school starts.
These things destroy your feet if they're not broken in.
Come on! Join me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- [KELLY LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Fiona.
Hey.
You get ahold of Liam? [DEBBIE.]
No.
I'm sure he forgot to charge his phone again.
What are you doing? I'm jumping up and down with Kelly.
What are you doing? Ah, applying for jobs I don't really want.
[DEBBIE.]
Well, I'm home now, so Liam will be able to get in when he comes.
All right.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
How you feeling, Frank? Well, I had a rather nice buzz going there for a bit, but it's starting to fade.
Think it's time to hit me up with the real knock-you-on-your-ass stuff.
We've been experimenting with Oriental medicine pain management, so we thought we'd skip the anesthesia and just pop a few acupuncture needles in your head, and see how that works.
What? I'm just fucking with you, Frank.
[LAUGHS.]
You shoulda seen your face.
[LAUGHS.]
This is Dr.
Wild.
He's gonna be your surgeon today.
Youngest graduate of Yale Medical School in over 100 years.
Top of his class, too.
How old are you now, Noah? 20? - Twenty-one.
- Hmm.
[TYSON.]
Graduated high school when he was 12.
[TYSON.]
This is the first week of his ortho residency.
[TYSON.]
We were very lucky to find Dr.
Wild on call today.
Nobody else was willing to do it.
Thought we were going to have to Dermabond your femur and just dump you back out on the street.
But not to worry.
Dr.
Grey will be the attending.
Where is Dr.
Grey? Stuck in traffic on the Dan Ryan.
Said to get started without him.
Have you done this before? A comminuted femur fracture? Hell no.
Very exciting.
We're a teaching hospital, Frank.
Residents working on alcoholic deadbeats who don't pay their bills is how young surgeons learn.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Hey.
Was everything fine? Peachy.
What kind of doctor's office was that? There's no baby stuff around or anything.
I need a drink.
Do you want to get a drink? [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Right.
No, I'll see you.
I'm off to the bank.
Aww, still down, little man? Yeah, a bit.
Want a quick blowie or a handy-J to perk you up? I was just kidding, kiddo.
Manager-employee intimacy is a big no-no in the new employee handbook.
It's a shame, really.
Sex used to be pro forma in fast food.
Jizz and hair nets went together like mustard and mayo.
Hell of a stress relief after a big lunch rush.
I'll be back in about 20 if you can just watch the register while I'm gone, my salty little biscuit.
Good call on the blowie.
I let Lori go down on me once.
She had most of her fist up my ass and chewed on my dick.
Woman's an animal.
[BELL RINGS.]
Welcome to Captain Bob's, matey.
How may I help you? Give me the fucking money.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that a .
32? The fucking money, shithead! It's pink.
The bullets aren't pink, motherfucker! Give me the goddamn money! Okay, you know what, asshole? Pull the trigger.
My life couldn't get any fucking worse.
Yeah, that's right.
Pull the motherfucking trigger.
God fucking [ROCK MUSIC.]
Fucker piece of fucking shit! West Point, motherfucking Lesbian sister piece of shit! [FIONA.]
Hi.
I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
It's minimum wage, nights.
Is there an application or something I can fill out? [REGISTER BEEPS.]
$11.
99.
- All right, thanks.
- You still here? I need a job.
Thanks.
Just to be clear, have you been sending two children to our school for the price of one for months? We're very sorry, Sister.
You only had space for one girl, so So you committed fraud and conspired to deny the Sisters of Faith, Hope, and Charity the revenue we send to our sister order in Ghana to help fight leprosy.
Leprosy? Really? That's bad.
That's when your skin falls off I got it, Kev.
We're very sorry, Sister.
After much prayer, we've come up with two possible ways for us to resolve this sad situation.
$1,400? [FRANCES.]
Your back tuition, plus interest.
By Friday, or we call the cops.
[SIGHS.]
And what's the other possible way? [UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC.]
We need a Jesus for the Festival of St.
Felicity pageant next weekend, and Mr.
Ball looks like he works out.
You want Kev to be Jesus? That's it? There is one small catch.
- Whoa.
- [COUGHS.]
That's huge.
And heavy.
Mr.
Polinsky made it himself.
He paid for a pew, so we've been afraid to tell him no one can lift it.
So I gotta get nailed up or it or something? No.
Carry it on your shoulder, as Christ did on his way to Golgotha.
[STRAINS, GRUNTS.]
Our last Jesus got a hernia.
Uh, yeah.
So how far do I gotta carry it? From the school to the church.
That's gotta be a hundred yards.
More like 150.
$1,400, Kev.
Fuck this.
I went to get a test done.
The doctor was my mom's oncologist.
[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Cancer.
BRCA.
It's a gene, moron.
I went to find out if I inherited a genetic mutation from my mom that means I'm probably gonna die of breast cancer.
Little gene might even throw in ovarian cancer, free of charge, just to make sure I'm good and dead.
And? Don't find out the results for a couple days.
Oh I'm sorry.
[TAMI.]
Yeah, it's a tough break for me, huh? Want to know the real pisser? There are two variations of the gene.
If I have one, having babies reduces my chances of getting cancer, but if I have the other Then having a baby increases my chances of getting cancer.
Cami got the test a couple years ago, and she's got the "baby good" kind of death gene, so she got your buddy Brad to knock her up right away, and Cory took the test, and Daddy's little princess is, of course, clean as driven snow.
And you've never been tested before.
Fuck no.
Why would I want to know if I'm gonna live or die? Can the doctors do anything if you have the gene? You know what? Let's eat.
I am fucking famished.
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
[FIONA.]
Hi.
My name is Fiona, and, uh, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
[ALL.]
Hi, Fiona.
I know I'm supposed to say I'm an alcoholic, but I I don't really know.
I have been going through a really rough time the last couple months, and I've been drinking too much to get by But I haven't had trouble with alcohol before.
There's a lot of reasons to think that I could be an alcoholic.
My mom was a junkie, and my dad's a drunk and an addict.
My brother's an alcoholic, and I love him to death.
So I guess I should be here, you know, just in case.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks for listening.
[ALL.]
You're welcome.
[MAN.]
Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck.
Oh, holy shit! - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
No, I know.
That was a mistake.
I'm I am I mean, I wish I was, because if I were, I would I would totally be into you.
You're great.
Yeah, no.
Thanks.
Oh, shit.
I totally led you on.
I am I'm so sorry.
We we can still be friends.
Yeah, absolutely.
I should probably get going and let you sleep, 'cause you worked last night, right? Yeah, I did.
You should.
I'll call you later, okay? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC ON SPEAKERS.]
Shit.
That thing looks like it weighs at least 300 pounds.
How far are you supposed to drag it? From the school playground to the church.
You can't put wheels on the end of it or something? The nuns said no.
Jesus didn't have wheels.
[VERONICA.]
Oh.
Here's the wig.
Jesus was a blond? [VERONICA.]
No, Jesus was black and had nappy hair, but no one - ever wants to talk about that.
- Jesus wasn't black.
African.
Hello.
- Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- Jesus was a Jew.
- Jesus was Jewish? King of the Jews.
King of the Jews! Yeah, at first, maybe, but then he was Christian, because he was well, because he was Christ, so he was the first Christ-ian.
[LAUGHS.]
How do I look? You want the truth? [TOMMY.]
Hey, if you're looking to build your post-vasectomy stamina, lugging that fucker around oughta do it.
[TOMMY LAUGHS.]
[VERONICA.]
Kevin? The hell is that? I think it's your pants.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ELIZA.]
Hey.
I'm glad to see you here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks.
Uh, how's, uh, life at Patsy's? Eh, same old shit.
[LAUGHS.]
Lily ran off with her boyfriend to Portland, oh, and Juan he got picked up by ICE when he showed up at court for a DUI.
Shit.
Well, he's got a family, right? Yeah.
Couple of kids.
Oh, I wouldn't.
[WHISPERING.]
Coffee at this meeting is shit.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
You might want to check out Al-Anon if you're not sure about AA.
Couple of us go to both.
It's for people who have family members who are drunks.
There's a flyer over there with the rest of the literature.
[MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC.]
I'll check it out.
Keep coming.
It works.
[JAUNTY MUSIC.]
Hey.
How you feeling? Boy, it was a mess in there.
Took six plates and 18 screws, but I think we got Humpty Dumpty put back together again.
Pain.
To be expected, but pain is your friend, okay? It's the body's way of letting you know it needs time to rest and to heal.
Drugs.
[FRANK CLEARS THROAT.]
Drugs.
Yeah.
How'd it go? Uh, great.
It was a distal intra-articular fracture.
Uh, extended up into the femoral shaft.
- Difficult separating the lateral - Yeah, that's wonderful.
When can we boot his ass out? Discharge him from the hospital? Tonight, perhaps? Admin is refusing him a bed.
[FRANK.]
Drugs! [YOLANDA.]
In the past 15 years, Mr.
Gallagher has run up over $85,000 in unpaid bills at this hospital alone, not to mention another $32,000 in outpatient services.
But he's facing three to six months of recovery.
Rehab, physical therapy So we're agreed.
Tonight, then? He's still too weak.
I need drugs! More drugs! [GROANS.]
[YOLANDA.]
He seems to be regaining his strength.
Just pump him full of IV antibiotics and schedule a follow-up.
Send him home with 20 Oxy.
He'll be happy as a clam.
[TYSON.]
Not to worry, doctor.
Only two things will be left roaming the Earth after the next apocalypse: cockroaches and Frank Gallagher.
Pain.
I'm feeling pain.
Hey.
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
That dinner? Yeah.
Wasn't much in there.
A baby? Maybe.
Wanna talk about it? No.
Not really.
Sorry I missed the meeting this morning.
I got stuck taking Frank to the hospital.
You got to a meeting today, though? I did, over at the rec center.
Good.
What's that? It's a Al-Anon flyer.
It's I picked it up at the meeting.
Twenty questions to see if Al-Anon could be right for you.
Yeah, how'd you do? Perfect score.
Twenty out of 20.
"Have holidays or gatherings ever been spoiled by a loved one's drinking?" Yeah.
"Have you ever called the police for fear of abuse?" The best ones are at the bottom.
"Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?" Mm-hmm.
"Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly?" Mm-hmm.
And my personal favorite: "Do you care for others easily, but find it difficult to care for yourself?" [LAUGHS.]
You might need to start going to two groups a day now.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
I was doing so well for a while.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
I really thought I had a chance.
You do have a chance.
I don't know if I believe that anymore.
[LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
I don't know what happened.
It just all fell apart so fast.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do now.
Only thing you can do.
You get back up.
You start over.
[SNORTS.]
It's that easy, huh? No, it's fucking hard, but you're strong.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Are you sure? Yeah.
I'm sure.
All right.
Shit.
I gotta go work.
Yeah, you got a new job? Yeah.
Nights at the Valero.
Ho, ho! Starting from the top, huh? Hey, um, did you ever find Liam today? No, but Debbie was here most of the day.
She might have.
All right.
Don't mean I'm gonna let go - - Not gonna lay down die here There's blood still running [TODD LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[TODD.]
One of your sisters again? Nope.
Brother.
[LAUGHS.]
- Is that Chris Rock? - No.
Look, that lady's about to shoot that dude in the head.
I'm going up now, Todd.
You boys don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers.
Yes, ma'am.
We won't.
Your services are no longer needed [TODD LAUGHS.]
Look.
[TODD LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - Oh, damn.
Keep this closed and don't open it for anyone.
One inch thick.
Can stop a shotgun at point-blank range.
Does it need to? Hasn't happened in a couple years.
If you have to pee, wait till no one's in the store, come out, lock the front, and then do your business.
No lunch break, but owner doesn't mind if you eat a burrito or whatever.
- You got it? - Yeah, I think so.
Darian comes in at 6:00.
He's late sometimes, but he'll show.
I'm taking my time before this life ends I've been giving everything I'm taking my time Before this life ends [DEBBIE CRYING.]
I've been giving everything I love It's so good [KNOCKS.]
Hey.
The fuck's wrong with you? Leave me alone, Carl.
Silly self-made man Got 18 castles in the sand Without a love it's no good It's no good She doesn't love me.
Who? Kelly.
I tried to kiss her, and she [RUSTIC MUSIC.]
Why can't anyone ever love me? Come on.
That's not true.
It is.
Franny loves you.
That doesn't fucking count.
Someone shot at me today.
What? Yeah, at work.
I fucked him up.
The cops come? Yeah.
Said I did a good job, but probably should've just given him the money.
It was only, like, 120 bucks.
No shit.
You don't want to take a bullet for Captain Bob.
Guess I just kind of went crazy on the dude after Kelly broke up with me, and getting that rejection letter from West Point.
You got a letter from West Point? Yeah.
Didn't even make it past the first cut.
My moves are a never-ending smile Sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
You know you'll find somebody.
[SNIFFS.]
You think so? Yeah, definitely.
Kelly's a bitch.
She likes to break hearts.
She is a bitch.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah, we should go fuck her up.
She'd kick both our asses.
I'm glad you didn't get shot.
Yeah, me too.
[WOOD SCRAPING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Is that Jesus? Here you go.
Thanks.
Fiona? Holy fuck.
Hi, Max.
$8.
52.
How've you been? I've been better.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, I was meaning to call you.
The zoning on that lot you're a partner in got approved.
[MAX.]
Looks like the nursing home's still gonna purchase it.
You know, we still have some due diligence to do, but should close the next six, maybe 12 months.
And can I get 50 bucks on six? Uh I don't remember exactly how much you have in the partnership.
Something around $90,000? S $100,000.
What if I bought you out now? - What? - Yeah.
That way, you don't have to wait a year for your money, and I don't have to waste my time hunting down your next of kin after you get shot selling cheap wine out of this box.
Still have the same phone number? Yeah.
Good.
I'll call you in the morning.
We'll get it done.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I wake up Waiting for you I try - Got it? - Yup, I got this one.
Let's go.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Hello? Hello! Fuck.
Wake up waiting for you I try hard To start anew
Would you just back up a little bit? Thank you.
You're both going to nursery school, but you can't ever be in the same room at the same time, and you're both named Amy now.
Are you fucking my sister? Debbie and I are friends.
Carl thinks if two women are friends, they must be gay.
[CARL.]
No, I think Debbie's gay because she follows you around like a little puppy dog.
[DEBBIE.]
I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.
I think we should break up.
Why, 'cause you love my sister? No, because you're too clingy.
Call me when you're not so needy.
- I'm pregnant.
- Are you sure it's mine? Yeah, I'm sure it's yours.
The last thing I need in my life is a man telling me what to do.
I really don't give a shit about what you think, but I do understand that you might have some feelings about this.
If you decide to have this baby, I want to make damn sure it has a father.
I own this house! The title is in my name! I'm not letting you live here, not with Liam and not with Franny.
- Fuck you! - Lip kicked you out of the house? Yeah, you believe that motherfucker? I'm carrying my shit around in garbage bags.
You're a bad drunk.
When you drink, you get mean.
A good drunk is fun.
A bad drunk wants to have a fight.
[LIP.]
If you really love her, and you really are her friend, you won't let her stay with you.
She needs to hit rock bottom.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [SNORING.]
[RUMBLING.]
What the fuck were you doing in there? You crazy? I was just I just calm Get the hell out of here! - You trying to get yourself killed? - [CAR HORN BLARES.]
[FRANK SCREAMING.]
Are you all right, man? Yeah.
Are you sure? You went down hard.
Joey, you better call an ambulance.
No, no.
No [LAUGHS.]
No ambulance.
I'm fine.
Are you sure, buddy? Yeah.
I'm right as rain.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Okay.
I'm I'm I'm fine.
I just bruised myself.
Hey.
How was work? Long.
Franny asleep? [FIONA.]
Yeah, I didn't hear a peep all night.
She's up now.
[CARL.]
Fuck off, Debbie.
Carl, it's Fiona.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Come on, I gotta pee.
Carl! [CHUCKLES.]
What was that about? Kelly broke up with him.
[SIGHS.]
How much longer, babe? I think my calf is starting to cramp.
30 more seconds.
30 seconds, and then we can make sweet, sweet love for hours and hours, days, even.
I am.
I am getting a cramp.
Two weeks! Two weeks, baby, without your wonderfulness.
[KEV.]
Just a few more seconds.
When the vasectomy doctor said you had to wait two weeks, I don't think he literally meant - you had to wait for - Five, four here we go.
Two.
One.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh Okay.
Take it a little easier.
- Feels so good.
- Uh, I know, but we don't want to break the bed, or me.
Oh.
[GASPS.]
Kev? Did you just Mm-hmm.
[CRIES SOFTLY.]
Okay, then.
[FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS.]
Coffee? Almost.
How you feeling? A little rough around the edges in the morning.
- You know? - Sure.
How's Xan? Uh, I might get to see her in a couple days.
Foster family signed off, but I need DCFS approval.
Wanna catch a meeting this morning? Yeah, thanks.
[FIONA.]
Here.
[LIP.]
Thanks.
What happened to your face? - Fryer at work.
- Don't pick.
God, you'll make scars.
[DEBBIE.]
Urlacher over Butkus? No, not a chance.
Butkus was an animal.
Eight pro bowls.
Hall of Fame.
Have you checked out Butkus on YouTube? Pre-concussion rules? He would've kicked Khalil Mack's ass if they'd played together.
That's a fact.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
See you outside in five.
Kelly.
We're going back-to-school shopping for guns and ammunition and things.
Didn't you just get back home from working all night? Don't feel sleepy.
I'll catch it up later.
[SCOFFS.]
Urlacher over Butkus.
Can you believe that shit? Uh, Franny? Taking her with.
[SIGHS.]
I gotta go.
Lip Gallagher around? - Uh, yeah, he's inside.
- Hey, watch your step.
There's a homeless guy passed out on the sidewalk.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
He a little help? Frank? I think I broke something.
- [CARL.]
Something bad? - Leg.
Uh, you want to call 911? No.
Help me inside.
What's Frank doing out here? Uh, he says he broke his leg or something.
Won't let me call 911.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Carl.
[GASPS.]
Is that blood? It's just a scratch.
[MOANS.]
That's bone.
[GAGS.]
[GAGS.]
Help me inside.
For fuck's sake.
Someone grab his arms.
I'll grab his good leg.
Come on.
[FRANK.]
Easy, easy, easy Will you fucking ow.
[ALL GRUNT.]
[FRANK.]
Oh, God.
Hello! Is Lip around? - Uh, I think he might - [FOOTSTEPS.]
Um Uh, hi, Mr.
Tamietti.
You and I need to talk, son.
Oh, yeah? Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Uh, she's she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided - the last that we, uh - Oh, yeah.
She's keeping the baby.
That's not open for discussion.
No, no, sir.
I just mean, um, last time we talked, she she seemed unclear - about what she wanted to do.
- Oh, it's clear.
- She's having the baby.
- [DEBBIE.]
Good God.
Almost there.
- A little help here! - Okay, okay, okay.
Put me down.
Put me down, no more.
Down there! Down there! - [DEBBIE.]
Jesus.
- [GROANS.]
[FIONA.]
What happened? - [CARL.]
He busted his leg.
- Is that bone? [FIONA.]
What the fuck? Why didn't you call an ambulance? - [CARL.]
He wouldn't let us.
- The hell is that? [LIP.]
Mollies - A few personal items.
- [LIP.]
And acid.
[FIONA.]
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance? Uh, who the hell is that? Our dad.
Why doesn't he want an ambulance? Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Uh, you know, Mr.
Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [FRANK.]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911? Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
I gotta go to work.
[FRANK GROANS.]
Yeah, we should go, too.
[FIONA.]
I'll give your associates five minutes.
Then I'm calling 911.
Borrow your phone? - Mail.
- Ah, I'm late for work.
Ah, crap.
I forgot the stroller.
Take her.
[SIGHS.]
[CAR ENGINE APPROACHING.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Move.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Frank again? Yeah.
[ENGINE GROWLS.]
[QUINCY.]
Open femur fracture.
Definitely going to need surgery.
I'm in a lot of pain here.
Could I get 15 of morphine? No can do, Frank.
Lidoc is that lidocaine? Yep.
Ah, come on, guys! You got any fentanyl in there? That'd take the edge off.
[QUINCY.]
Can give you a bite block to chomp down on if you like.
A bite block? [LAUGHS.]
What are you, the Marquis de Sade? Best I can do after last time.
I did not steal drugs from your ambulance.
I saw you take it, Frank.
Are you sure you don't want that bite block? This might sting.
Fuck you, Quincy.
[FRANK GRUNTS, YELLS.]
[CRIES AND YELLS.]
Personally, I would've taken the bite block.
[YELLS.]
You want to ride with him again? How long's the wait at County this morning? Pro hockey season's shorter.
- [FRANK.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! - Okay.
Let me get my purse and tell my brother we're leaving.
Easy, easy, easy, e Keep whining, Frank, and I'll find every pothole between here and County to bounce you over.
Hey, Liam? I gotta take Frank to the ER, so you have to make yourself breakfast, okay? Hey.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Liam? You want Tabasco? Eight seconds.
[SIGHS.]
It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe.
Give it some time.
12-year-olds last longer.
All right, girls, finish up.
It's almost time for school.
Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds? You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls? Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
That's me now.
Mr.
Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
Okay, girls.
Dishes in the sink and backpacks.
Let's go.
I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys.
Can you ever forgive me? You're gonna live, baby.
It's one tiny incision.
[VERONICA.]
Wait for Mommy.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, God.
Your sister coming again this morning? She said she was, yeah.
Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.
- Bob? - Yeah.
Shit.
What did he want? Wants to know my plan.
You have a plan? No.
Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.
Don't fuck with Bob.
He's tougher than he looks.
He said Tami's definitely having the baby.
That's the Tamiettis.
Old-school Catholics.
Big families and fish on Fridays.
She tell you she was going to see a doctor today? No.
This afternoon.
Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.
W-what kind of doctor? Did she say? Nope.
Tami likes to stick it to her dad.
Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
It's starting.
Yeah.
All right.
Coke, crackers, and a bedpan.
Barb's saying three hours, but could be five.
I can't stay the whole time.
I got a meeting.
Oh, Christ.
AA? Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult? Meeting with a public defender.
Trouble with the law? Excuse me.
I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh.
Does this look like a scam to you? Hey, doc.
Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur? Come on, I Ah, that's right.
Just walk on by, Osama.
We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H-1B visa.
More bees with honey, Frank.
This is nothing but torture and payback.
- - You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake.
Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me.
How did this happen, anyway? I was taking a brief nap in that shithole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me! My apartment building? I woke up with a a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life.
I should sue the bastards.
You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay? I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
Never know.
They may settle to avoid a court case.
Hey.
You got anything useful in there? Eh, a Quaalude? - Maybe an oxy? - No.
Miss! Excuse me.
I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture.
I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain? I don't need much.
20 of morphine would be more than enough.
You're Frank, right? - Yes.
- No.
[LAUGHS.]
Your reputation precedes you.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this! - [YOLANDA.]
Mr.
Gallagher? - Yes! - Here! - Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
So, Mr.
Gallagher, I see you visited our hospital in the past.
Yes, once or twice.
52 times, actually, and you have no insurance.
Unfortunately not.
Um Difficulty securing employment in this challenging economy.
Unemployment rate is under 4%.
We're hiring janitors without hands.
I have five different birthdates and four different middle initials in your records.
Are you over 65, Mr.
Gallagher? Do you need me to be? If you're over 65, you qualify for Medicare.
Free hospitalization, drugs Yes, I'm over 65.
Just had a birthday.
Put that down.
When were you born? January 16th, 19 - 54.
- 54, exactly.
Do you have ID I can use to verify that date of birth? Maybe.
I found that at a Dairy Queen.
[FRANK.]
I've been meaning to return that.
It says you were born in 1936.
Makes you 83.
I try to take care of myself.
Someone will be over to examine you shortly.
I gotta go soon.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- [DEBBIE.]
Hey, Fiona.
- Hey, Debs, are you home? - No.
Why? - [FIONA.]
Liam wasn't there when I left the house with Frank this morning, and I locked up.
I don't know if he has his keys.
He's not answering his phone? No.
Straight to voice mail.
Can you track him down, make sure he can get in? - [DEBBIE.]
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- Okay.
Good luck.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Whoa Whoa, whoa - Rah! - Gah! [LAUGHS.]
You need one of these? If I get the same roommate I had last year, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
- Stinky? - Ever leave half a burrito under the seat of your car all summer? - [SHUDDERS.]
- I know.
Oof.
So how do you like military school? Two hundred girls, ten bathrooms.
It's survival of the fittest.
How long have you been going there for? Since my mom ran off with a gunnery sergeant when I was nine.
My God.
Was that hard? Nothing like this What every South Side girl needs: Kevlar.
[LAUGHS.]
Seriously.
[LAUGHS.]
Put it on.
Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Whoo! Damn! Whoa You ain't seen nothing [DIALS PHONE.]
Hi, Liam.
You have your keys? Fiona locked you out of the house.
Call me back.
You ever see your mom? On Facebook.
Took her years, but she finally let me friend her.
I'm feeling alive Weird.
Liam always answers his phone.
Wa.
Voilà .
What do you think? Badass? - Definitely.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh you ain't seen nothing like this Oh, whoa Whoa You ain't seen nothing like this [PHONE CHIMES.]
Damn, your phone's lighting up.
Yep.
- You gonna answer it? - Nope.
Biscuits, fresh out of the oven.
You boys need anything else? - Ah, no thanks, Grandma.
- How about you, Liam? All set, Mrs.
Thompson.
Okay.
I'll be in the kitchen if you change your mind.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Don't you think they might be worried? Took them two days to realize I was gone.
Can't be too worried.
Why the long face, little pirate? Nothing.
Come on.
You can tell your Auntie Lori.
I gotta make sure my favorite first mate's head is in the game.
Happy cooks make happy meals.
I didn't make it past the first round of cuts for West Point, and my lesbian sister is in love with my girlfriend, trying to turn her gay, too.
Wow.
World's really stomping on your dreams, huh? When God hands you lemons, you just gotta squeeze that juice into the wound and enjoy the pain.
Ma'am? You're my star.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get right back up on that horse.
Horse, ma'am? Right back into that saddle, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
Hello? Anybody? Ah, come on! I have to set myself on fire to get some attention around here? Please do! I'll bring the matches if you bring the gasoline.
About damn time.
How'd you do on the back nine, doc? Even par? How you been, Frank? Taking care of that new liver someone was stupid enough to waste on you? - Hm.
- [TYSON.]
So, what is it this time? You're speaking, so I'm gonna rule out an overdose or alcohol poisoning.
Broke an appendage.
Hurts like hell.
Could you hook me up with a healthy helping of your favorite opiate? You haven't had anything yet? Not a damn thing.
Your coworkers have been tighter than a miser at a March of Dimes fundraiser with the pain relief.
Couldn't even rustle up a Tylenol 3 with codeine.
Ow.
That's bone.
That's what I've been saying! [TYSON.]
Congratulations, Frank.
You hit the jackpot this time.
You get a quick trip to the OR and copious amounts of intravenous narcotics.
Hey, Maggie.
Call up to surgery and find out who's okay with not getting paid today.
You were drunk? Yes.
You initiated the assault? I only punched her once.
You fractured her cheekbone.
You have a previous felony conviction? Yeah.
[BAER.]
Well, it's not much of a defense to present.
[BAER.]
You're a convicted felon, you were drunk, you attacked a woman without any provocation in front of a dozen witnesses.
No, there was provocation.
She she called the cops on my ten-year-old brother for selling lemonade in front of her house.
Why would she do that? My brother's black.
You have a black brother? Yeah.
DA may be reluctant to put that in front of a black Chicago jury.
[BAER.]
We might be able to plead it down from a felony to a misdemeanor.
Will I have to do time? Depends.
You employed? I'm looking.
What about AA? Yes.
Okay, I'll talk to the DA.
Thank you.
But Miss Gallagher, the judge is gonna want to see proof that you are a contributing member of society, so no alcohol, and get yourself a job, any job.
Yes, ma'am.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- [FRANCES.]
Just a drill, children.
No need for panic.
Line up behind your teacher in a straight line.
Straight lines, James McPherson! [FRANCES.]
Abby Zoldan, does that look like a straight line? Gus Accord, stop eating sand from the sandbox [FRANCES.]
and get in line, please.
[FRANCES.]
Here we go.
Line up.
Go to your number.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going, Amy Ball? I have to go back in.
Can you get in line behind Sister Anne, please? [GEMMA.]
I can't.
I have to go back in my cubby.
Why do you have to get back in your cubby? So you don't see us.
See who? There's two of you? [TOMMY.]
Eight seconds? Whew, that's rough.
[KERMIT.]
Yeah.
My cousin Ronnie never recovered from his surgery.
[KERMIT.]
Been ten years.
He still has to wear one of those adult diapers.
From a vasectomy? No.
Prostate.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? I'm just saying.
It's never a good idea to let doctors near your man parts with anything sharp.
I thought you guys were gonna help cheer me up.
Okay.
Okay.
Did sex still feel good? Yeah.
Great.
It was quick, but good.
So enjoy that.
Lots of guys don't get any.
- Be happy with quick.
- Yeah.
Cousin Ronnie can't get it up at all anymore since the surgery.
He has to use one of those pump things.
Enough about Cousin Ronnie, would you, Kermit, please? Eight seconds with you is like eight hours with anyone else, baby.
Short but sweet.
Very short.
[LAUGHTER.]
You just had the vasectomy, baby.
You'll be back to your regular - ten seconds in no time.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [TOMMY.]
Oh, damn.
[KERMIT.]
Oh, burn.
Oh.
Alibi.
Yes, Sister? Yes, I understand.
Thank you.
Absolutely.
What? The nuns know.
Hey.
How long you been waiting here like a creepy stalker? Not long.
Bullshit.
Carla saw you out here a half-hour ago.
She wanted to call the cops.
So my dad find you this morning? Yeah, he came to my house.
Yeah? And what'd you two boys decide? Am I having this baby or not? He says you're keeping it.
He did, huh? Good to know.
Oh, so you're not? I just needed him off my ass.
- All right, then you are.
- Jesus, what is it with men trying to tell me what to do with my own body? I'm not trying to tell you what to do.
All right? I'm just confused.
He made it sound like your decision was made.
Well, he doesn't know shit.
All right, then.
Good? So are we done? Where are you going? Where am I going? Yeah.
The doctor's.
Who told you? Brad? Yeah.
And you want to come? Yeah, if you want me to.
I don't, or I would have asked you to in the first place.
All right, you know, go fuck yourself, Tami.
Fuck me.
Lip.
Lip! - Lip! - What? We're already here.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Liam? Liam, you home? You want a beer? Yeah, absolutely.
Whee.
I'll be right back.
Damn, girl! Ah.
[BELCHES.]
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- If I'm gonna be a sailor, I gotta learn to drink like one.
A-cheers.
So what do you want to do in the Navy? I'm gonna fly jets.
Like, off aircraft carriers and stuff? That's the idea.
[DEBBIE.]
That is so cool.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? Gotta break them in before school starts.
These things destroy your feet if they're not broken in.
Come on! Join me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- [KELLY LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Fiona.
Hey.
You get ahold of Liam? [DEBBIE.]
No.
I'm sure he forgot to charge his phone again.
What are you doing? I'm jumping up and down with Kelly.
What are you doing? Ah, applying for jobs I don't really want.
[DEBBIE.]
Well, I'm home now, so Liam will be able to get in when he comes.
All right.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
How you feeling, Frank? Well, I had a rather nice buzz going there for a bit, but it's starting to fade.
Think it's time to hit me up with the real knock-you-on-your-ass stuff.
We've been experimenting with Oriental medicine pain management, so we thought we'd skip the anesthesia and just pop a few acupuncture needles in your head, and see how that works.
What? I'm just fucking with you, Frank.
[LAUGHS.]
You shoulda seen your face.
[LAUGHS.]
This is Dr.
Wild.
He's gonna be your surgeon today.
Youngest graduate of Yale Medical School in over 100 years.
Top of his class, too.
How old are you now, Noah? 20? - Twenty-one.
- Hmm.
[TYSON.]
Graduated high school when he was 12.
[TYSON.]
This is the first week of his ortho residency.
[TYSON.]
We were very lucky to find Dr.
Wild on call today.
Nobody else was willing to do it.
Thought we were going to have to Dermabond your femur and just dump you back out on the street.
But not to worry.
Dr.
Grey will be the attending.
Where is Dr.
Grey? Stuck in traffic on the Dan Ryan.
Said to get started without him.
Have you done this before? A comminuted femur fracture? Hell no.
Very exciting.
We're a teaching hospital, Frank.
Residents working on alcoholic deadbeats who don't pay their bills is how young surgeons learn.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Hey.
Was everything fine? Peachy.
What kind of doctor's office was that? There's no baby stuff around or anything.
I need a drink.
Do you want to get a drink? [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Right.
No, I'll see you.
I'm off to the bank.
Aww, still down, little man? Yeah, a bit.
Want a quick blowie or a handy-J to perk you up? I was just kidding, kiddo.
Manager-employee intimacy is a big no-no in the new employee handbook.
It's a shame, really.
Sex used to be pro forma in fast food.
Jizz and hair nets went together like mustard and mayo.
Hell of a stress relief after a big lunch rush.
I'll be back in about 20 if you can just watch the register while I'm gone, my salty little biscuit.
Good call on the blowie.
I let Lori go down on me once.
She had most of her fist up my ass and chewed on my dick.
Woman's an animal.
[BELL RINGS.]
Welcome to Captain Bob's, matey.
How may I help you? Give me the fucking money.
[LAUGHS.]
Is that a .
32? The fucking money, shithead! It's pink.
The bullets aren't pink, motherfucker! Give me the goddamn money! Okay, you know what, asshole? Pull the trigger.
My life couldn't get any fucking worse.
Yeah, that's right.
Pull the motherfucking trigger.
God fucking [ROCK MUSIC.]
Fucker piece of fucking shit! West Point, motherfucking Lesbian sister piece of shit! [FIONA.]
Hi.
I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
It's minimum wage, nights.
Is there an application or something I can fill out? [REGISTER BEEPS.]
$11.
99.
- All right, thanks.
- You still here? I need a job.
Thanks.
Just to be clear, have you been sending two children to our school for the price of one for months? We're very sorry, Sister.
You only had space for one girl, so So you committed fraud and conspired to deny the Sisters of Faith, Hope, and Charity the revenue we send to our sister order in Ghana to help fight leprosy.
Leprosy? Really? That's bad.
That's when your skin falls off I got it, Kev.
We're very sorry, Sister.
After much prayer, we've come up with two possible ways for us to resolve this sad situation.
$1,400? [FRANCES.]
Your back tuition, plus interest.
By Friday, or we call the cops.
[SIGHS.]
And what's the other possible way? [UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC.]
We need a Jesus for the Festival of St.
Felicity pageant next weekend, and Mr.
Ball looks like he works out.
You want Kev to be Jesus? That's it? There is one small catch.
- Whoa.
- [COUGHS.]
That's huge.
And heavy.
Mr.
Polinsky made it himself.
He paid for a pew, so we've been afraid to tell him no one can lift it.
So I gotta get nailed up or it or something? No.
Carry it on your shoulder, as Christ did on his way to Golgotha.
[STRAINS, GRUNTS.]
Our last Jesus got a hernia.
Uh, yeah.
So how far do I gotta carry it? From the school to the church.
That's gotta be a hundred yards.
More like 150.
$1,400, Kev.
Fuck this.
I went to get a test done.
The doctor was my mom's oncologist.
[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Cancer.
BRCA.
It's a gene, moron.
I went to find out if I inherited a genetic mutation from my mom that means I'm probably gonna die of breast cancer.
Little gene might even throw in ovarian cancer, free of charge, just to make sure I'm good and dead.
And? Don't find out the results for a couple days.
Oh I'm sorry.
[TAMI.]
Yeah, it's a tough break for me, huh? Want to know the real pisser? There are two variations of the gene.
If I have one, having babies reduces my chances of getting cancer, but if I have the other Then having a baby increases my chances of getting cancer.
Cami got the test a couple years ago, and she's got the "baby good" kind of death gene, so she got your buddy Brad to knock her up right away, and Cory took the test, and Daddy's little princess is, of course, clean as driven snow.
And you've never been tested before.
Fuck no.
Why would I want to know if I'm gonna live or die? Can the doctors do anything if you have the gene? You know what? Let's eat.
I am fucking famished.
[DISTANT SIRENS WAILING.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
[FIONA.]
Hi.
My name is Fiona, and, uh, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
[ALL.]
Hi, Fiona.
I know I'm supposed to say I'm an alcoholic, but I I don't really know.
I have been going through a really rough time the last couple months, and I've been drinking too much to get by But I haven't had trouble with alcohol before.
There's a lot of reasons to think that I could be an alcoholic.
My mom was a junkie, and my dad's a drunk and an addict.
My brother's an alcoholic, and I love him to death.
So I guess I should be here, you know, just in case.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
Thanks for listening.
[ALL.]
You're welcome.
[MAN.]
Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck.
Oh, holy shit! - What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
No, I know.
That was a mistake.
I'm I am I mean, I wish I was, because if I were, I would I would totally be into you.
You're great.
Yeah, no.
Thanks.
Oh, shit.
I totally led you on.
I am I'm so sorry.
We we can still be friends.
Yeah, absolutely.
I should probably get going and let you sleep, 'cause you worked last night, right? Yeah, I did.
You should.
I'll call you later, okay? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC ON SPEAKERS.]
Shit.
That thing looks like it weighs at least 300 pounds.
How far are you supposed to drag it? From the school playground to the church.
You can't put wheels on the end of it or something? The nuns said no.
Jesus didn't have wheels.
[VERONICA.]
Oh.
Here's the wig.
Jesus was a blond? [VERONICA.]
No, Jesus was black and had nappy hair, but no one - ever wants to talk about that.
- Jesus wasn't black.
African.
Hello.
- Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- Jesus was a Jew.
- Jesus was Jewish? King of the Jews.
King of the Jews! Yeah, at first, maybe, but then he was Christian, because he was well, because he was Christ, so he was the first Christ-ian.
[LAUGHS.]
How do I look? You want the truth? [TOMMY.]
Hey, if you're looking to build your post-vasectomy stamina, lugging that fucker around oughta do it.
[TOMMY LAUGHS.]
[VERONICA.]
Kevin? The hell is that? I think it's your pants.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ELIZA.]
Hey.
I'm glad to see you here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks.
Uh, how's, uh, life at Patsy's? Eh, same old shit.
[LAUGHS.]
Lily ran off with her boyfriend to Portland, oh, and Juan he got picked up by ICE when he showed up at court for a DUI.
Shit.
Well, he's got a family, right? Yeah.
Couple of kids.
Oh, I wouldn't.
[WHISPERING.]
Coffee at this meeting is shit.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
You might want to check out Al-Anon if you're not sure about AA.
Couple of us go to both.
It's for people who have family members who are drunks.
There's a flyer over there with the rest of the literature.
[MELANCHOLY ROCK MUSIC.]
I'll check it out.
Keep coming.
It works.
[JAUNTY MUSIC.]
Hey.
How you feeling? Boy, it was a mess in there.
Took six plates and 18 screws, but I think we got Humpty Dumpty put back together again.
Pain.
To be expected, but pain is your friend, okay? It's the body's way of letting you know it needs time to rest and to heal.
Drugs.
[FRANK CLEARS THROAT.]
Drugs.
Yeah.
How'd it go? Uh, great.
It was a distal intra-articular fracture.
Uh, extended up into the femoral shaft.
- Difficult separating the lateral - Yeah, that's wonderful.
When can we boot his ass out? Discharge him from the hospital? Tonight, perhaps? Admin is refusing him a bed.
[FRANK.]
Drugs! [YOLANDA.]
In the past 15 years, Mr.
Gallagher has run up over $85,000 in unpaid bills at this hospital alone, not to mention another $32,000 in outpatient services.
But he's facing three to six months of recovery.
Rehab, physical therapy So we're agreed.
Tonight, then? He's still too weak.
I need drugs! More drugs! [GROANS.]
[YOLANDA.]
He seems to be regaining his strength.
Just pump him full of IV antibiotics and schedule a follow-up.
Send him home with 20 Oxy.
He'll be happy as a clam.
[TYSON.]
Not to worry, doctor.
Only two things will be left roaming the Earth after the next apocalypse: cockroaches and Frank Gallagher.
Pain.
I'm feeling pain.
Hey.
Hi.
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
That dinner? Yeah.
Wasn't much in there.
A baby? Maybe.
Wanna talk about it? No.
Not really.
Sorry I missed the meeting this morning.
I got stuck taking Frank to the hospital.
You got to a meeting today, though? I did, over at the rec center.
Good.
What's that? It's a Al-Anon flyer.
It's I picked it up at the meeting.
Twenty questions to see if Al-Anon could be right for you.
Yeah, how'd you do? Perfect score.
Twenty out of 20.
"Have holidays or gatherings ever been spoiled by a loved one's drinking?" Yeah.
"Have you ever called the police for fear of abuse?" The best ones are at the bottom.
"Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?" Mm-hmm.
"Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly?" Mm-hmm.
And my personal favorite: "Do you care for others easily, but find it difficult to care for yourself?" [LAUGHS.]
You might need to start going to two groups a day now.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
I was doing so well for a while.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
I really thought I had a chance.
You do have a chance.
I don't know if I believe that anymore.
[LAUGHS WEAKLY.]
I don't know what happened.
It just all fell apart so fast.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do now.
Only thing you can do.
You get back up.
You start over.
[SNORTS.]
It's that easy, huh? No, it's fucking hard, but you're strong.
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC.]
Are you sure? Yeah.
I'm sure.
All right.
Shit.
I gotta go work.
Yeah, you got a new job? Yeah.
Nights at the Valero.
Ho, ho! Starting from the top, huh? Hey, um, did you ever find Liam today? No, but Debbie was here most of the day.
She might have.
All right.
Don't mean I'm gonna let go - - Not gonna lay down die here There's blood still running [TODD LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[TODD.]
One of your sisters again? Nope.
Brother.
[LAUGHS.]
- Is that Chris Rock? - No.
Look, that lady's about to shoot that dude in the head.
I'm going up now, Todd.
You boys don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers.
Yes, ma'am.
We won't.
Your services are no longer needed [TODD LAUGHS.]
Look.
[TODD LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - Oh, damn.
Keep this closed and don't open it for anyone.
One inch thick.
Can stop a shotgun at point-blank range.
Does it need to? Hasn't happened in a couple years.
If you have to pee, wait till no one's in the store, come out, lock the front, and then do your business.
No lunch break, but owner doesn't mind if you eat a burrito or whatever.
- You got it? - Yeah, I think so.
Darian comes in at 6:00.
He's late sometimes, but he'll show.
I'm taking my time before this life ends I've been giving everything I'm taking my time Before this life ends [DEBBIE CRYING.]
I've been giving everything I love It's so good [KNOCKS.]
Hey.
The fuck's wrong with you? Leave me alone, Carl.
Silly self-made man Got 18 castles in the sand Without a love it's no good It's no good She doesn't love me.
Who? Kelly.
I tried to kiss her, and she [RUSTIC MUSIC.]
Why can't anyone ever love me? Come on.
That's not true.
It is.
Franny loves you.
That doesn't fucking count.
Someone shot at me today.
What? Yeah, at work.
I fucked him up.
The cops come? Yeah.
Said I did a good job, but probably should've just given him the money.
It was only, like, 120 bucks.
No shit.
You don't want to take a bullet for Captain Bob.
Guess I just kind of went crazy on the dude after Kelly broke up with me, and getting that rejection letter from West Point.
You got a letter from West Point? Yeah.
Didn't even make it past the first cut.
My moves are a never-ending smile Sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
You know you'll find somebody.
[SNIFFS.]
You think so? Yeah, definitely.
Kelly's a bitch.
She likes to break hearts.
She is a bitch.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah, we should go fuck her up.
She'd kick both our asses.
I'm glad you didn't get shot.
Yeah, me too.
[WOOD SCRAPING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Is that Jesus? Here you go.
Thanks.
Fiona? Holy fuck.
Hi, Max.
$8.
52.
How've you been? I've been better.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, I was meaning to call you.
The zoning on that lot you're a partner in got approved.
[MAX.]
Looks like the nursing home's still gonna purchase it.
You know, we still have some due diligence to do, but should close the next six, maybe 12 months.
And can I get 50 bucks on six? Uh I don't remember exactly how much you have in the partnership.
Something around $90,000? S $100,000.
What if I bought you out now? - What? - Yeah.
That way, you don't have to wait a year for your money, and I don't have to waste my time hunting down your next of kin after you get shot selling cheap wine out of this box.
Still have the same phone number? Yeah.
Good.
I'll call you in the morning.
We'll get it done.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
I wake up Waiting for you I try - Got it? - Yup, I got this one.
Let's go.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Hello? Hello! Fuck.
Wake up waiting for you I try hard To start anew