The Goldbergs s09e13 Episode Script

Back in the '80s, my mom was a master consoler.
Following my breakup with Brea, she was gearing up for a smothering tsunami of sympathy.
Good morning, Beverly.
I'm here to pick up Murray for our new carpool.
Oh, he already left.
But I bought doughnuts and readied two conversation starters, like, "What did you do this past weekend?" and the more adventurous, "What are you doing this upcoming weekend?" Nothing and nothing.
But I'm glad you're here.
Does this sweater seem soft and cozy enough to heal a boy's heartache? What are we talking about? Adam and his girlfriend broke up.
Oh, no! Brea Bee and Adam G.
were the gold standard.
I'm swooping in to cushion the blow with kissies and my custom-made hugging sweater, with decorative tissues for when the tears start.
Mornin', folks! What a beautiful day in Jenkintown, the Paris of the Montgomery County flood basin.
Go ahead.
Sob away the pain.
Let my body restart your heart with its warmth.
Gah! How do you generate so much heat?! And what are you doing? - Soothing your teenage emotions.
- I'm okay.
Adam, you don't have to pretend to be brave with me.
Come on Rest your face in my nooks and crannies.
No! And I'm not brave, I'm notoriously a coward.
I have seven night lights.
And just FYI Brea's on her way here right now.
How dare she! Well, don't worry.
I'll avenge your pain by calling out her blotchy skin and limp hair.
I don't know, Beverly.
The The boy seems fine.
I am! Everyone talks about how hard breakups are, so instead, we decided to cut right to us being friends.
Ugh! You are totally in denial! Or am I incredibly evolved and can easily navigate modern romance? There needs to be a mourning period where you stay at home with me and watch soap operas, and then I remind you of how special you are by writing on your tummy with my invisible finger pen.
What an incredibly tempting offer for a voting-age man.
But no! Morning, pal! Good morning, old chum! Ready to get to school and begin a platonic day of friendship together? I'd like nothing more.
This feels right compadre.
Homeboy, homeslice, homeskillet.
This totally works.
Hang on a sec.
Adam, let's make her jealous by showing her how you can stand on my feet, and we'll walk into the kitchen.
I just forgot my coat.
Brea, look away! Come on, stand on Mama's feet.
Here we go.
It was February, 1980-something, and Barry and Erica were at the Schwartz house, gearing up for a romantic Valentine's Day.
Or so they thought.
Happy Valentine's Week, Goldbergs! "Week"? It's not just a day? It's just we love love.
- Gross.
- Weird.
Great news, my dove.
I have an especially romantic evening planned for us that will be sure to warm the cockles of your heart.
Geoffrey, what did I tell you about saying "cockles" in front of Barry? It's too late.
I heard it.
And do I spy something adorable and fuzzy for me? You shouldn't have! Oh, I actually didn't "A cuddly bear for the cuddliest sister a brother could have"? Ooh! Looks like someone's got her mitts on my annual Valentine's bear from my sweet bro! Happy Valentine's Week, sis! Oh, and don't think that I forgot about you.
Oh! Cool! - Driving gloves! - Yeah.
Hope they don't turn me into Mario Andretti! I think it'll be okay.
You haven't made a left turn in three years.
- Aw.
- That's true.
So, you guys exchange Valentine's gifts? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Valentine's is a big event in this house.
The biggest! Oh! This is obviously bizarre and unsettling.
Barry, let's not judge.
I mean, secretly we will, but for now, we'll pretend it's totally innocent and not shaking me to my core.
Is that amor I hear in the air?! - Oh! - It's Valentine's Week! Bring it in, my cherubs! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! JoJo, let's go help your mom with her special Valentine breakfast! Oh, me too.
What the hell, dude? I don't wanna be mean, but you and your family are straight-up freaks! That's incredibly mean, and why? Dude, who's a better kisser your sister, my sister? It's a trick question.
It's your father.
I'm dying.
I think you even enjoyed smooching them.
Your dad definitely did his eyes twinkled.
Of course he did.
He loves us and wants to express it.
Big time.
"Geoffrey! Bring your puffy mouth pillows over here! Your father wants everyone's smackers to meet!" Okay, that's incredibly accurate in voice and demeanor, but the words are all wrong.
- I wanna do Lou.
- Please don't.
"Geoffrey, I demand we go to first base as a family!" "Geoffrey, canoodle with your father!" "Geoffrey, bite my neck a little.
Let me know that you're flirty but dangerous!" Okay.
That seems way too far.
And yet there's still more.
"Geoffrey, we're both eye men, but today we become lip men! Come give your papa some action!" That's your father! He gives you affection! While Barry and Erica were giving Geoff grief, Brea and I had found happiness in our new friendship.
I gotta be honest, I was a smidge nervous about us going right from dating to friends, but this breakup has been the easiest.
Totally! Because this way, we can still hang together.
So how do friends say goodbye? - Uh, is a hug too much? - Hard to know.
But how'd you feel about a firm and consensual handshake? I'd say, put 'er there, Jack! Jack! The nickname to John.
Not sure why, but strong and masculine, like this simple, everyday toodle-oo.
Now it's slightly less masculine.
That's what I do, Jack.
Yep, it was gonna be easy.
Until it immediately wasn't.
Oh, balls! We completely forgot tomorrow is Valentine's Day! Damn it! I gotta go.
I'll see you in P.
E.
for square dancing.
Mama will make it better.
Gah! Where did you come from?! A good mama's always just a few meters behind her babies.
I don't think that's right.
And why meters? Now let's just get you home into a warm bubble bath, then we'll snuggle under an afghan for two, and then I'll fill your tummy with Sleepytime tea, which I will blow on.
You paint an inviting picture.
But, no, you know, even though it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, I'll survive.
Survive? Nonsense! You will thrive! By spending it with your first and greatest love - me.
- Nah.
I'll just find something else to distract me.
Well, tomorrow is also Florence Henderson's birthday.
The mom from "The Brady Bunch"? - How do you know that? - I know the birthdays of every great mother in history.
That scarily tracks.
I guess celebrating Florence Henderson's b-day is one way to keep my mind busy.
Her mom mullet and winning smile will fill your heart more than Brea ever could.
Whatever.
There ya go.
While my mom was trying to make Valentine's Day disappear, Barry was excited to reveal what he knew about Geoff.
JTP! JTP.
Why are you milling about like it's cocktail hour at a wedding? I called an emergency meeting.
Yeah, Bar, you use the word "emergency" very loosely, so we've decided to not live our life in constant fear.
But this really is a deadly emergency.
Deadly hilarious.
Just, uh, go ahead and say all the crazy things - you're gonna say.
- Thank you! While at the Schwartzes', I witnessed an abomination.
Mm, they still haven't replaced that lime-green sectional? Way worse.
They were all over each other.
Kissing, hugging.
Geoff even planted a smooch on his own sister.
- Awww! - Exactly.
Although you're saying "ew" wrong, Matt Bradley.
I don't think I am.
Geoff! That's your cue to come out of the bathroom! Hi! I was told you guys have a present for me? The present of merciless insults.
Go ahead! Tease him till he pees or weeps or both.
I'm not gonna tease my friend until he soils himself.
Why not? He locked lips with his dad like he was Bo Derek on a beach.
It was a peck of familial love.
- He admitted it! - I don't know, Bar.
I mean, all of us have pretty good relationships with our families.
My sister is my best friend.
I tell her things I wouldn't even tell you guys.
We even have a secret language.
Well, not that secret it's Spanish.
And the Cogans are a tiny people, but our hugging arms are huge.
I don't have a sister, but, uh, if I did, we'd hold hands.
Sometimes I draw us together.
The family therapist recommended stopping.
A sibling isn't someone you love, it's a rival for your mother's affection and your father's apathy.
Read a book.
No, a sibling is the one person you know who will always have your back through thick and thin.
Your parents aren't gonna be around forever, Bar.
But your siblings are gonna be there for the rest of your life.
Don't you want that kind of closeness with Erica? No! And stop making me the weirdo here.
Bar, when was the last time you and Erica showed each other any type of real affection? Or hugged? Or told each other, "I love you"? Usually we're too busy squabbling.
Her specialty is vicious insults, and mine is hiding outdoor objects in her bed.
Maybe you should think about changing that.
Because later in life, your siblings are gonna be all you got.
As Barry was learning some hard truths, I was finding out just how hard staying friends with Brea could be.
Scandalous news! You know how you and Brea decided to be friends? I'm fairly aware, Dave Kim.
I think Brea's moved on faster than you.
I intercepted this note Walls and her were passing back and forth in history.
Why is it sticky? I spilled marmalade on it.
Why are you eating marmalade in class? Just read the note.
"Hey, do you wanna go to the Valentine's dance" The jam obscured the rest.
Marmalade's not a jam.
Sure, it combines the sweetness of a jam with the bitterness of citrus peel Enough marmalade talk, Dave Kim! Brea and Walls are clearly going to the dance together.
I don't believe it.
No? Do you believe that?! But isn't Walls going out with Sydney? You mean that Sydney? Tears! Walls broke up with her! Dang, Brea gets after it.
No, she doesn't.
But, also, it appears that she does.
Well, two can play at that game.
If Brea can move on that fast, then Adam Goldberg is gonna show he can move even faster.
Sydney! Wait up! You guys hear? Sydney ran over a rabbit with her VW Rabbit.
Hmm.
There's irony all around us.
I just want to say I heard, and I'm so sorry.
That's sweet of you.
It's been tough.
I just went through the same thing.
You did? I can't even look at my car anymore.
Because it reminds you of him? And his cute little puffy tail.
Yeah.
That sounds super specific to you.
But, hey, you're gonna swerve into this skid.
Such an odd and insensitive turn of phrase, but I guess so.
Sometimes the best thing to do in these moments is to have some fun.
- Fun? Right now? - Or tomorrow night.
That's why we're gonna hit the dance together.
But how will that make me feel better about the rabbit? Is that your nickname for Walls? Adam, what are you doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing I'm taking Sydney to the Florence Henderson dance.
The hell you are! Easy now, Rabbit.
I figured, if you two are going, then so are Sydney and I.
Walls and Sydney aren't broken up.
But the sticky confusing note! I heard that you two had broken up, so I asked Brea to join us so she wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day.
Wow.
You're a good egg, Walls.
I see what you see in him, Syd.
I'm starting to think you didn't kill a rabbit, too.
And I'm starting to think I have no idea what's going on here.
Well, know this You're a bag of ass, Goldberg.
You know it! You know, I thought we could be friends, but I don't even want to be near you right now.
Adam, good news.
I was wrong about the note.
I know, Dave Kim! After I made things worse with Brea, my mom was determined to make things better for me.
I'm so confused.
Why am I here? You have been accepted for semester at sea.
Congratulations.
Whoo-hoo! You did it, girl! The oceans are your playground.
Semester at sea? I applied for this two years ago.
Well, yes, and I just happened to find it in your personal file, so I did you the service of updating and resubmitting it.
You know, typical Quaker Warden activities.
You want me to travel the world now? In the last three months before I go to college? Bon voyage! Oh, you're gonna have such a good time away from this school and all the pain and suffering - you've been causing.
- I get it.
You just want to make me sail the seven seas so your schmoopie doesn't have to see me.
What an outrageous accusation! Get your life together, Brea! Perhaps on a research vessel called the, uh oh! Polar Queen.
I'm not shipping out my senior year.
I should probably have more information before I call students in here.
There she is.
The girl who loves to forgive and forget.
Don't, Adam.
Do you know what your mom just tried to pull? Hopefully her hamstring so she wasn't able to make it in today to do whatever it is she clearly did.
She just tried to ship me off to the North Pole.
- That's a real place? - Oh, my God.
I don't know anything about Christmas.
Why would you put a tree inside? This is not working.
What? We can still figure it out.
I wish that was true.
There's nothing I want more than to have you in my life, but it's just not meant to be.
While Brea and I had never been further apart, Barry was trying to get closer to Erica.
Oh, hello.
I was about to enjoy a civilized English tea.
Care to join me? Why would I voluntarily spend time with you? Ha! Our playful teasing speaks to a deep affection, doesn't it? Come on, park your loveliness.
Whatever.
Crumpet me.
Shall we engage in the art of conversation? Just say your thing while I house this bad boy.
Well, I just feel like we haven't connected in a while.
"Haven't connected"? We've never connected.
Unless you count the time that my elbow connected with your ribs because you smeared peanut butter on my curling wand.
Trying to heat up that Jif was a rare miss on my part.
But let's not let that stand in the way of sharing our feelings now.
Top off your "shamo-mile"? It's "cam-o-meal," ya dope.
And And what's the game here? When's the big reveal coming that I drank hot sauce and butt crumbs? Nothing's coming but conversation and sibling intimacy.
I'm onto you.
Geoffrey! I need love advice.
Well, you're dating my sister, so I can only go so far, but my main tip is something I call the across-the-room wink.
No, not to woo Joanne, who I attend to effortlessly.
I'm talking about Erica.
Oh.
And, oh? There's my fella.
- What's the deal? - Thank God! A reasonable person.
Erica and I need what you two have.
We need to reconnect.
Tonight.
But it's Valentine's Day.
I've been planning something for Erica for months, so maybe it can wait? Nonsense! Barry's gonna take your expensive and non-refundable date.
- Yay! - Yay? Thank you, Geoff.
But also, you're welcome.
I've given you the gift of being able to give a gift to me.
- Bet it feels pretty good.
- Really doesn't.
While Barry set off to find closeness with Erica, I was as far from happy as I'd ever been.
Schmoo? Oh! Honey, are you bored? Do I need to buy you more toys? No.
I just don't have the will to get on the bed.
Come on.
Get up.
I guess you're mad.
No.
I had already screwed it up with her 900 ways before that.
Well, what are you gonna do with your night? I'm gonna get a head start on feeling a void in the center of my being for the rest of my life.
You can't just give up on life.
We're going out.
Sure.
Now, why aren't you fighting me with every fiber of your being? What difference does it make? I'm never gonna be happy again.
You might as well enjoy whatever weird, screwy thrill taking your son on a Valentine's Day date gives you.
That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Glad I could make one person happy.
And so, dead to the world, I limped along to the greatest Valentine's date ever for my mom.
This is the best! But you know what would make it even better? If you snuggled with me under this blanket.
Whatever.
Just do your terrible things.
Alright, enough, Buster Brown.
I gave you a magical evening, and you're still moping? Maybe that's because I'm on a Valentine's Day date with my mother! Mother? Whoa! Okay, that's the ride.
I'm sorry.
I thought tonight could be a distraction for you.
Nothing can distract me from the pain I'm in right now.
I know breaking up is misery, and I'd do anything to take that pain away for you.
And the worst part is, we still desperately want to be together.
You do? Yes! It's just, in three months, we're going to different colleges.
No matter what, we're doomed.
Adam, you want her, she wants you.
Throw caution to the wind and enjoy the next three months together! But isn't that just delaying the pain? The next three months could mean everything.
I mean, that's how much time I have left with you.
I I never considered that.
Well, I have.
A lot.
I guess it's why I forced you out tonight.
So you're just gonna enjoy every last minute even though you know the pain is inevitable? You're damn right I am.
And you should, too.
Are you saying I should go to her? I'm saying we should go to her.
Hyah! Hyah! As my mother was hijacking a horse-drawn carriage Barry was hijacking Erica's Valentine's date in a different carriage.
Aww! I had a feeling this was my surprise.
The real surprise is it's me.
Barry? Wait.
Is this a part of my date? Did Geoff plan for you to escort me to the adventure that awaits? It's a bad start, but I'm still excited.
That's exactly what's happening.
Hop in, sis.
Driver! Love awaits.
Speaking of, - we love each other, right? - Huh? Sure, we fight often and vigorously, but beneath all that, there's real caring, wouldn't you say? I would say we should just stay silent until we get to Geoff.
Definitely.
Until then, some pretty flowers for your sniffing pleasure.
Are these from Geoff or you? Does it matter? A lot.
Then perhaps an elegant box of assorted chocolates? What? Again, from you? There's a map in there that tells you what's what.
Also, I ate three because I'm super nervous.
Nervous? What are you planning? Just to share my fondness for you.
Ew! Get off! I don't want to hold your gross, sweaty fingers! I love you! Okay? Tell me you love me! No! What is going on?! Forget it! Horsey Man, stop the horsey! Barry, what is your problem? Everyone else loves their siblings, but all we have is a lifetime of pranks and reading each other's diaries.
You've read my diary? Every boring word.
But what does it matter? It's not like we're gonna be in each other's lives anymore.
Hyah! Hyah! We're a supremely up family.
Yep, wild horses couldn't keep me from Brea.
But a tired horse definitely could.
Hyah! Hyah! It's clearly out of gas.
It's not used to running that far on the highway.
This is not the dramatic and romantic ending I wanted for you.
Don't worry.
You got me this far.
I can do the rest.
Go, sweetie, go! Thank you, Mama.
And just know, I may go off to college, but me and you are never breaking up! Why are we celebrating the mom from "The Brady Bunch"? What does it matter? Even those giant posters of Carol Brady's head can't change that this is a really romantic dance.
Are you okay? Not really.
I just I can't believe I'm not here with the guy I love.
Well, maybe he's closer than you think.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Dave Kim, you're a really great friend, but I meant that Adam's here! Adam, why are you here? For you.
- We went over this.
- I know.
We can't be friends.
But I don't want to.
Well, then what? I want you back.
All of you.
For as long as we have.
- But - No buts.
Brea, I love you! And I don't want to miss out on a single second with you while we're still here.
What are you thinking? This.
Why do you smell like horses? Remember when you said my mom couldn't surprise you anymore? Thought you'd be here.
Just looking at old photos of us.
I remember that backyard pool.
Dad was furious because he had to inflate it by mouth.
Had to lie down for two days after.
Okay, you're right.
We don't have a perfect relationship, but there's a good reason.
What's that? You and I are a lot like Dad.
It's tough for us to let our guard down and show we care.
Yeah.
That's why I thought it'd be nice to try for once.
So what if we start right now? Is this a prank? No prank.
Just bring it in.
But we will never kiss, though.
Oh, God, no! We were right about that part.
Those Schwartzes are freaks.
Love is something to celebrate, whether it's for your family or for that special someone.
Because even if you don't know what the future holds, sometimes it's okay to enjoy today.
You know what would make tonight extra special? Oh, please don't do what I think you're definitely gonna do.
"Geoffrey! Pretend I'm Richard Dawson and you're an entire lady family!" "Geoffrey, the bottle's pointing at Papa again!" "Geoffrey! Drive me to the overlook in your van for some light necking!" "Geoffrey, I just popped in a Certs and a Luther Vandross cassette.
" How would it feel if I did an impersonation of your mom? "Schmoopie-poopies! I made you in my body, and I can't get enough snuggies and huggies!" - Hello, Geoffrey.
- Aah! You think the affection I have for my children is something to be mocked? What's your problem, dude? Not cool.
That's our mom.